19. Your Biggest Changes Might Be The Ones No One Sees: Honouring The Hidden Work Of Self-Growth

The loudest moments aren’t always the ones that shape us. As the new year approaches and timelines flood with highlight reels, we take a gentler path: redefining progress by what happens in silence. We unpack how identity strengthens during uncertainty, why social comparison skews our sense of timing and how emotional regulation, restraint and inner calm become the real markers of success. If you’re feeling “behind,” this conversation offers a reset - less pressure to perform and more trust in the work no one sees.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs a calm reminder, and leave a review to help others find the show. What quiet win are you honouring this week?

I am happy we can share this journey of levelling up, together. See you next week!

- Alita <3

https://vitawithalita.buzzsprout.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Whispered Welcome And New Year Setup
• 0:51 The Power Of Inconspicuous Growth
• 3:31 Uncertainty And Identity Formation
• 5:16 Escaping Social Comparison
• 6:23 Redefining Success And Well-Being
• 8:31 Quiet Wins: Restraint And Stability
• 10:22 Trusting Stillness And Neural Change
• 12:20 Consolidation Over Stagnation
• 14:40 Preparing For Visible Change
• 16:35 Easing New Year Pressure

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:25

Hello. Welcome back to Vito with Alena. I am whispering a little bit in this episode. I do have my family sleeping next door and I do not want to wake them. But I'm super excited to speak with you today. And I'm hoping that this episode will help prime us for the new year. So we can think of this as part one. And then next week, as we have our final episode of 2025, we'll kind of be like our little part two. So in today's episode, I want to talk about like the quiet moments in life. So what do I mean by that? So we technically today live in a culture that rewards visibility. You know, milestones that you can announce, that you can post about, that you can measure, that other people can then raise and validate. But I want to talk about the parts of life that unfold quietly. And these are, for example, the seasons where your personal growth is real, and that's truly when it's happening, but it's very subtle and it's very quiet, and it's not always announced. So that brings us into our word of this week. Inconspicuous. You probably heard of this word, it's not super foreign, but it's something I think that matches very well the theme, and something that I think we can really hold on to this episode. So inconspicuous, this describes something that does not draw attention, but it is understated, it's overlooked. And many of the most important shifts in our lives are actually inconspicuous. Think of a time you are healing. Think of the emotional maturity that you've probably gained up to this point in your life. Or a time where you finally learn to start trusting yourself again. These are quiet moments, and just because this growth is quiet, it doesn't make it insignificant. Now, development developmental I always have trouble saying this word and I don't know why. Deva developmental psychology shows that identity formation often occurs during periods of uncertainty. Oh, uncertainty. Literally, the first episode of this whole podcast was about uncertainty in my life, so this resonates very well with me. But these seasons probably feel uncomfortable because they aren't conspicuous. Like, you know, there's no clear marker of progress, there's no outside validation, there's nobody telling you you're doing a good job, or me too, or or anything of that sort. So that's why these moments in our lives that we are maybe quietly struggling, quietly growing, going through our own things make it uncomfortable. And psychologically, though, this is this is when meaning kind of reorganizes. And what I mean by that is we need to kind of think about these moments a little bit differently. So we're not lost in these moments, and I'm even speaking to myself here. If I go and listen back to the first episode, I really outline how I am in a moment, and I still kind of am in this moment of life where I am a little bit lost, a little bit uncertain, don't know what I'm doing, but I'm also in this season of self-development, self-growth, getting to learn myself a little bit better. So these are we can think of this as we are expanding. We are really integrating and taking advantage of every moment of life. So social comparison theory explains why we probably feel behind when exposed to curated images of success. We are comparing our private, inconspicuous processes to someone else's public outcomes. Now think about this. And I think that's what I'm trying to highlight today because as we approach the new year and we feel behind or we feel like we're not where we're supposed to be compared to whoever we're comparing ourselves to, we have to remind ourselves that first of all, hey, everybody's on their own path. There's no right or wrong. You know it's funny because people who reach success early sometimes say they wish they didn't reach it that early because they hit the peak of their, let's say, career so early in their life that like afterwards nothing else feels as good. Right? But then you have folks who are comparing ourselves to those people who reach success early and think I'm behind. So from day one, we just gotta separate ourselves. We're on separate processes, separate timelines, and we are not able to see the struggles of each person and what they're going through and what they tell themselves and how they are living their day-to-day lives and those quiet moments that I'm addressing in this episode today. So this gets me into kind of redefining success. So positive psychology suggests that well-being is not rooted in constant achievement, but it's actually rooted in meaning, in connection, and even emotional regulation. So some of the most significant growth is subtle, it is quiet. And here are some examples of what this can look like. For example, learning restraint. And I don't mean restraint like you quit sugar for 30 days and you didn't eat it, and that's good. It could be that sure, but even learning restraint with like your energy, with learning to let go, like, okay, like I don't need to fight, I don't need to continue this argument, I don't need to have the last word. That type of restraint. Developing resilience, choosing stability over urgency. What does this mean? This means that we, I think, well, I'm talking from personal experience, but I feel like in my brain, everything's always urgent. It has to happen right now. If not, it's a disaster and like the world's gonna end. That's that's not the case. I think we live day in, day out, and we see that life goes on, and there are true emergencies in life, but the things that we sometimes make urgent are not. So being able to calm your mind and choose stability and peace over urgency is a win. And this also goes into cultivating inner calm. So these are moments of significant growth that are quiet, and they're still progressive, and they're still worth celebrating and patting yourself on the back for. So now we're gonna get into actually trusting this type of inconspicuous growth. So neuroscience shows that the brain forms when new neural pathways during neural let me, let me I was reading a sentence and then I completely just let me reread that. So neuroscience shows that the brain forms new neural pathways during reflection and stillness. So what this means is if your life feels uneventful right now, maybe it's not stagnation. And when I say uneventful, I mean things that are not maybe worth posting or bragging about. Like you apply to a job, you're waiting to hear back. You are you are still working a job and nothing's really happening, like you didn't get a promotion or anything yet worth celebrating. You are you have been single for a while, or you've been in the same relationship for a while. Like all these things is they're not, I don't want to call them stagnant. They are part of life, but they're still important, they're still quiet. And within these quiet moments, I'm sure you're still going through moments of where you have to kind of discipline yourself, you have to emotionally regulate, you have to find that inner peace and that inner calm. I had a few last two weeks of just full turmoil. Nothing that I would share, but I know within me, like, okay, I handled it. That's okay. And that's where I'm trying to get at. Like, if your life feels uneventful right now, it's maybe not stagnation, it's probably consolidation. Let's apply this to muscle building because maybe that's my favorite thing in the whole world, but like think about when you're building your muscle. You're not really building it in the gym when you're getting that pump and you're there and you're sweating and all the highlights are happening. It's honestly when you're sleeping and resting that your muscle is rebuilding. And that's kind of applies to your life. Like, it's not gonna be in those grand successful moments or in those times we're comparing ourselves to others that we're going to be like, okay, good, this is this is growth. No, it's in those inconspicuous seasons that are going to actually prepare us for visible for visible change. It's in those moments, those quieter moments of life that are preparing us for when we do get that big eventful thing in our life, we're ready for it and we can truly embrace it because we went through the quiet struggle. So if you are in a season where growth maybe feels unseen, this is your reassurance. Not all progress is going to announce itself. Some of the most important work that you're ever going to do is going to happen behind closed doors, quietly. As I mentioned, I'm speaking about this because as new year approaches, we obviously let's there is this like pressure to want to reinvent, reinvent ourselves, or this pressure to have like having achieved something in 2025, or like this just pressure to just be and to show. And I know with family gatherings coming up, and you're people are gonna ask you, like, what are you doing? How's life? This, that, and the other. I know. Trust me, I'm there right there with you. So I'm using this episode as a reminder to just take it easy on yourself. You don't owe anybody an explanation about your progress, about where you're at. You just have to understand that if you're going to bed at night, knowing you did your best and that you are working towards whatever feels right for you, that's all that matters. And if you are in this moment of uncertainty, trust me, I am right there with you. I've applied to so many things, and I just don't know where my life is really headed right now. So if you are in this moment in your life where maybe the direction seems unclear, just take a deep breath. Take it easy. This is a reminder that these moments are important too, and these are the moments that are going to be testing us. Versus when you do reach that success or whatever you're working towards, that thing that you want to announce at your family gatherings, this is the time that it's being built. So this is your reminder to honor the quiet work, honor the inconspicuous moments, and write them down. Journaling is gonna be the thing I bring up over and over again, but I love it because sometimes you don't remember your day-to-day life. But then when I go back and read things I've written down, I'm like, wow, like, yeah, you did do that. You used to think that way, but now you don't. Or yeah, that was really hard, but you got through it, and that's all that matters. So write it down, voice memo it, talk about it, you know, log it on your phone, on your notes app, whatever you can. A moment where you feel proud of yourself. I'm gonna share a little personal story, and then we'll end off this episode. But as always, I like to integrate little little personal touches here and there because we're going through this together. So I started going to therapy, and I think I've said this in another episode, but I'm loving it. I think it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself, and I do acknowledge that maybe not everyone has access to it, but I am very lucky that I do. So I've gone, and I remember speaking with my therapist, and I kind of told her like a small moment in my life, like that morning before my therapy session, where I felt like previous older Alita would have acted in a certain way, but in that moment I just thought, you know what? It's okay, it's not worth it. Just take a deep breath. No need to get upset and angry and whatever. And then I didn't think much of it. I went to shower, I continued with my day. But when I told this to my therapist, she paused and she was like, Alita, that is such a big deal. That is amazing. Like, she almost teared up. She was like, you know, this really shows that you're you're integrating what we're talking about in these sessions here. And it made me think, like, yeah, like, you know, I wasn't gonna go post about how Alita didn't become angry and start, you know, talking back and all these things because I wanted to be right. Like, that wasn't something that we would think of as like an achievement in our lives. But I'm inviting you and myself here to rewire that thinking to see, like, okay, that actually is a big deal. And I'm thankful my therapist pointed that out to me because now it's like, yeah, you know what, it is a big deal. That there is a way that I would have acted that I decided to not in that moment, and I actively decided that. And it's quiet, it's it's inconspicuous, but it's there and it shows growth. And you you know damn right I wrote that down in my journal so that next time I'm feeling down and all these things, I can read it and I can, it's like proof for yourself that you're showing up for yourself and proof for yourself that you are doing the work and proof for yourself that you are progressing. Anyway, enough rambling for today. I hope this episode serves as some sort of reassurance that it's okay. You've got this. Just even listening to podcasts about self-growth or self-development is already a step in the right direction. So kudos to you. Thank you for being here with me on Vita with Alita, and until next time, take care.