Edgy And Ageless with TraceyAnnn
Hosted by Tracey Ball, a fearless, flawed, and thriving survivor who grew up in foster care, Edgy and Ageless shares raw, relatable stories and actionable tips designed to inspire you to rise above life’s challenges, laugh through the tough times, and thrive.
Tracey’s journey from overcoming adversity to achieving success is at the core of this show. Her mission is to inspire you to embrace bold reinvention, discover joy at every stage of life, and remember: There are infinite possibilities waiting for you!
Edgy And Ageless with TraceyAnnn
Episode 3: From Addiction to Healing & Finding Hope in Tess's Journey
Episode 3 - What if your journey from chaos to calm could inspire others to find hope?
Tess's story is a testament to enduring resilience and transformation, shining a light on the often-overlooked struggles of those burdened with reactive attachment disorder and addiction. Adopted at just three and grappling with profound feelings of disconnection, Tess's early life was marked by overwhelming challenges. Her teenage years were a whirlwind of addiction, homelessness, and the search for belonging—a search that led her into darkness before finding a path to recovery. Through Tess's candid reflections, we not only explore the depths of isolation but also celebrate the immense strength and perseverance required to break free from such circumstances.
DISCLAIMER:
The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the guests and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of THE EDGY AGELESS PODCAST OR EDGYANDAGELESS.COM, Tracey Ann Ball, subsidiaries, or any corporate entities they represent.
Thank you,
Edgy And Ageless
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I woke up in the hospital, there was like a tube down my nose. I don't know like my memory was just really really off, but shortly after that I went to the psychiatric hospital and that was like really scary. Just because it's like so, I ended up being like homeless. I was just like praying to God like to save me from like addiction, but also just from like the way I was living, and I was just like having like a lot of racing thoughts and being like this isn't where I should be. Like there's, there has to be like more in my life than just whatever this is. And so I ended up.
Tess:Your alarm goes off and as soon as you open your eyes, the anxiety begins. You struggle through the day, unable to make eye contact with anyone because you're terrified that that if they see you and see what's inside of you a never-ending storm of anxiety, fear and self-loathing you won't make it. This was Tess as a teenager, always always feeling lost alone, angry. Adopted at three, tess struggled with reactive attachment disorder, a condition that causes intense rage, anxiety and an inability to bond with caregivers. Years of drug abuse, homelessness and suicide attempts followed. Relief finally came for Tess when she decided to get sober. With the help of her mom, the inner healing began. Today, 23-year-old Tess is now clean and sober. As a house manager for sober living, tess is going back to school for her degree in hopes of healing others. Tess has become a beacon of hope for teens and young adults battling addiction, showing them that not only is recovery possible, but that true healing comes from embracing and loving yourself. Is Tess done with her journey? Nah, this is just the beginning. Raw and real, here's Tess.
Speaker 3:Let's start from the beginning. You've had quite a journey. I mean, how old are you now? I'm 23. 23. Gosh, my God, you've already lived a lifetime. So let's start from the beginning. You were adopted.
TraceyAnn:How do you think that shaped who you are, or who you were as a kid, I think from like a young age, I always struggled with connecting with my parents and I had a disorder called reactive attachment disorder which really like shaped how I was as a child just like misbehaving and filled with like a lot of anger and not really like understanding why either.
Speaker 3:Give us some examples of the anger that you were feeling and what you did, and how that affected either yourself, your brothers and sisters, your mom, your dad.
TraceyAnn:Growing up, I would just be very mean to my mom, Like if I was getting sent to my room I would turn it into like a tantrum. It'd be like an hour long process and I would say a lot of like rude things when I get upset, like I didn't really know how to regulate my. I would say a lot of like rude things when I get upset, like I didn't really know how to regulate my emotions. So a lot of times I would just be like cussing at her or I would be like you're not my real mom. Um, just like really hurtful things, just because I was feeling upset, also just doing like the opposite of what I was told, if it was like even just putting my shoes on um and just like constant, like misbehaving.
TraceyAnn:Um, I think with my siblings we had like a pretty normal relationship, um, like there wasn't really any fighting or anything. It was pretty typical. I think with my dad we were very distant and I was kind of like awkward with him. And with my mom there's like a lot of tension going on, even though she was trying to connect with me. I just wasn't't like allowing it.
Speaker 3:So let's talk about the RAD, the reactive attachment disorder. I'm 90% sure I had it myself growing up in foster care. What causes?
TraceyAnn:it. So when you're like an infant and if you don't get your needs met, it kind of affects your brain on how you like connect with a caregiver in your future. So it can be like if you don't get fed or you don't get like cared for, when you cry as a baby, your brain kind of just rewires into like a way where it's like you almost just don't know how to act.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so now I was there yeah, I think I read as I was saying. I literally just started learning about this when I started talking to you. You shut down, you don't want to make a connection with an adult and you, you don't want to show emotion. And then, if you do show emotion, it's an anger or frustration or it's way over the top, and it sounds to me like that's basically what you did, and you do not want to connect with adults. Yeah, you know, I can imagine that must cause a lot of friction in yourself. Did you look around at other kids or the other siblings, even your other siblings, and say, say, why are they not acting like this?
TraceyAnn:the kids around me that they didn't act like that with their parents, and so it was kind of like I just always viewed myself in like a really bad way because of that, because I just didn't know, like why I was just acting out like that severely, and then with my siblings too most of my siblings like didn't do that and it was was mainly just like me doing it. So I didn't really get like where I was coming from or why I was acting like that. So I kind of did build like almost hatred inside myself.
TraceyAnn:Right, that's a lot.
TraceyAnn:I mean, this was starting right off the bat, right? You're saying probably like as early as three, four or five, and then on all the way to. So you're in middle school.
TraceyAnn:I know I'm just gonna sound odd, I know we talked a lot about high school, but I have a lot of middle school schoolers and girls can be me whoa, I did feel like a distance between me and other kids and I would just be mute a lot of the times and just feeling like super out of place and like not, like I just didn't fit in, feeling like that that's so hard.
TraceyAnn:I'm so sorry. I mean honestly and especially that that almost fuels it to the next level, which I guess would be as you get kid high school, even in middle school you kind of like understand what's going on around you. You, you know a little bit. I'm not saying I'm a professional middle schooler, but you know, I think that I can see my kids at the studio and they're still innocent a little bit but when you get to high school, that those floodgates open. Talk to me about high school. High school was like rough.
TraceyAnn:I think like it was a little bit harder than middle school and I remember just still not feeling like I fit in and feeling like a lot of social anxiety. There would even be points where I would just like hide in the bathroom at lunch. I would also kind of lean in on like trying to hang out with like a guy who I liked or a guy who I viewed as popular with like intentions that you know I could like get into his friend group or like he'd like me back or whatever, and a lot of times it just went the opposite way. Shortly after that it kind of like fell into like a ditching school and drinking and smoking weed and hanging out with the kids that weren't really doing well in school either.
Speaker 3:Hiding in the bathroom during lunch is mortifying. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to tell you I did it too. I was in my like fifth, seventh, eighth foster home and I remember just the, just the bullshit. I mean, obviously I didn't know that word or I don't know, but like I'm going to the lunchroom and just like the fear of not being able to sit at a table and sit, I'd rather go to the bathroom than go flipping, sit by myself and have people talk about me. Is that kind of like what you went through?
Tess:yeah, like it wasn't even that they were like leaving me out, it was more like my inner self and my own stuff was like kind of making me feel like I couldn't be friends with people.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, that was. That's the rad, that reactive attachment disorder. Gosh, that's got to feel so lonely and so hard. I just it's no wonder that you acted out as much as you did, Gosh. Okay, so, and I'm, I'm, I'm asking these questions and if I ever get to a point where I'm pushing too much, please, I'm only asking because I know, okay, if I was a kid right now and I was watching your story, Jess, I'd be so happy, I'd be like I'm not alone and I just want that for other people out there, and I think that's what you want too, and that's why you're doing this. But I get to the point where you know I'm digging too much. You just tell me and I'll stop. Walk me through your first suicide attempt.
Tess:So that was in eighth grade, yeah, so that was in middle school, like end of middle school. It was just like, yeah, I feel like the social anxiety at school and then, as well as like the stuff going on at home and the behavior issues, I just feel like it became too much and I started to get these like very, very strong, like suicidal thoughts, and it got like really strong and so, yeah, it was like I kind of just wanted to like end my life. I actually like went to psychiatrist and I already like spoke to my mom about it. We went to psychiatrist after and I ended up going to a psychiatric hospital. I ended up going to another psychiatric hospital after that due to like, I tried to overdose on Benadryl I don't remember like any of it and they ended up having to call the ambulance and then I was airlifted to the hospital where my stomach was like pumped.
Speaker 3:You have your second attempt and you're waking up.
TraceyAnn:Walk me through what happens directly following this attempt that one was like confusing because I didn't have a lot of like memory. I woke up in the hospital. I was like a tube down my my nose, I don't know like my memory was just really really off. But shortly after that I got I went to the psychiatric hospital and that was like really scary, just because it's like a whole different experience when you're there and when you're like young too, it's just like you don't really know what is going on or like where you are at the moment. Yeah, so that was interesting. Why interesting, tell me?
TraceyAnn:I think just because when I was there I wasn't just surrounded by people with suicide attempts, it was also just people of all sorts of like mental health disorders. I think also like it was the first time where I was somewhere where it's like you can't shut the door or like you have to have like a staff constantly kind of like around you and it's just like it's not like being in like a regular like hospital, it's more like I don't know. It's like my first like mental health center that I've been to. So it's definitely like different from what I was like used to normally.
Speaker 3:Did you make any friends while you were there?
TraceyAnn:Yeah, I think like I would talk to like a few people. It's very like it's kind of like a group setting, so you end up kind of just like talking to people that are also kind of struggling in there Did it make you feel better, that you were with other people that were just struggling like you were?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it definitely did.
TraceyAnn:Another thing that's kind of like interesting, though, is like when I was there, some girls had like like I was still pretty like innocent, I'd say, at school and stuff, and some of the girls were like doing things that were a little more like breaking like a lot of rules and stuff.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay, okay, they were more yeah a little bit more advanced in the breaking the rule thing how, like, like? Yeah, I think like they were just like you were talking back and they were like stealing stuff, you know like yeah like that was the difference. That is crazy. That is also interesting. So great word now let's go to high school and have that. What walk me through high school, the when did it first start being really hard for you?
TraceyAnn:I think it was just always uh rough for me. I think like freshman year was really hard. But I also remember like why was it hard? Um, just like not feeling like I fit in. And then I ended up like dating this guy who cheated on me um, which like whatever, but um, and now I don't know.
Speaker 3:Sorry, let me move back, because you have so many things to offer and I just don't want to glaze over them. I know it's for you, as you're like, yeah, been there, done there, but for me and anyone listening I want to go back to like that alone feeling and that social anxiety I can feel it like in my body and just like not knowing what to say, overthinking everything, even if I was.
Tess:Like walking in a hallway alone, just like, like overanalyzing myself and thinking that everybody's noticing me or everybody's going to be like talking about me, like just feeling really, really tense and just feeling like I can't be here, like I just wanted to hide.
Speaker 3:And also not knowing. I think you had mentioned like looking down a lot, not wanting to have eye contact because then that would open the can of worms, Like that. It's almost like if you look at somebody, they're going to see into your soul and they're going to see all that anxiety and all that turmoil and it's like again I use the word mortifying. And you know what's crazy, Tess, and I think you know this is that I think I know a lot of it has to do with your the disorder. I also think and I could be wrong, I'd love to hear what you have to say.
Speaker 3:But you guys, I'm in my 50s, I didn't have any social media, so when you had these problems or issues, they kind of went home with you and you almost got to reset. And now you guys have so much being thrown at you between the social media and the movies and the 50,000 different channels, and then your iPhone, and then do you think that's part of it? Did that like exasperate some of your feelings as having all this other, all these other entities coming at you along with the red or I think so.
Tess:Yeah, I think like looking at um other people that were like um seem to be perfect on Instagram. Yeah, exactly yeah, which would be more like challenging to like my own self-esteem, uh, in comparison for sure that comparison is a killer man, it's a bitch.
Speaker 3:Uh, my, you know you want to hear. My comparison was the brady bunch. I hated that show, aided it with every inch of my being and Because I was like you, have a perfect family Meanwhile they're up, but I'm getting started with that. How do you end up quitting school?
Tess:So I ended up like leaving freshman year because I went to a residential treatment program in Nevada for about a month and that was for like another, just like suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation At this point I had already been like hospitalized, so it was the long term and just most like helpful program seemed to be like the answer for that. So I ended up leaving for that my freshman year of high school.
TraceyAnn:I want to say Then you came back from that and it was a little awkward. It was a little awkward, it was even awkward at school. So you decided to go to another school and did those issues follow you there. What? What happened at the new school?
Tess:nobody
Tess:really knew me so that the issues didn't really follow me over there. But I think, like again, the social anxiety just popped up again. Yeah, yeah, my bad. Yeah, the social anxiety like was so bad over there I was like I really don't know anybody, so like a lot of times I just found myself like ditching school, like just not even wanting to be there at all and like finding it really hard to like go to class and like sit down in class with like a ton of people that I just don't know and feeling like really out of place and during this whole time not to beat a dead horse.
Speaker 3:You are probably taking a lot of this out on your mom, right.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, definitely.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, yeah, and I'm saying that because she obviously did an interview with me, because she's an angel and it's rough man when you have a kid that is just not letting up and you don't know how to deal with it. And I think, tell me again when you were diagnosed with RAD.
TraceyAnn:I think it was when I was like, like, like first grade, maybe like five or seven, I think.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, and whether it's diagnosed or not doesn't mean it's cured right, obviously it's taken a long time. So you're at your new school Tess, and it's worse because you don't know anyone. And when did you find the big change? You meet these people that are ditching school. You start hanging out with them because you feel like you're a part of what is that?
TraceyAnn:Tell me about that. Well, that well, one of my classes I met this one girl and like right away we just became like closer and from then on it was kind of just like she introduced me to more people, um, and those people were kind of like smoking, weed, um, and drinking, which I was doing already a little bit, but it definitely like escalated that a little bit more and just like wanting to fit in with them. I remember like she was like stealing at the time too, and I wasn't doing that yet, and so it just kind of like introduced me to like these people where I almost felt like I can fit in with them, because they weren't doing that well in school, they weren't doing that well in their home life either.
Speaker 3:It seemed like you started to fit in for the first time and that's a powerful, powerful thing to feel, especially when you've been struggling for so long, and it's a no wonder, you know, and it sucks that they were doing the shit stuff. But so you're, uh, now, when do you meet this man that kind of brought you down another street or another road, should I say, is it with that group friend?
TraceyAnn:No, I met him like outside of school, like afterwards.
Speaker 3:So let's go, let's finish up high school so you meet these friends or you're starting to get in trouble again. Basically, you decided to drop out.
TraceyAnn:So for my senior, year, I ended up actually moving to online school so that way I could work, um, just because I can't work and like go to school at the same time, um, but during that time I wasn't really working the hours I needed to do like at all, um, in order to pay rent and like live on my own, and I also ended up shortly after just quitting school together my senior year.
TraceyAnn:Why did you like I just like gave up, like I stopped going to classes and at that time I was hanging out with more and more people who were just like, um, all they would do is just like drink and like go to these like house parties, kind of um, and so it's like at that point, that's all I cared about. I just kind of gave up on like my future and going to school.
Speaker 3:I didn't like find that important anymore now it feels good and whatever it takes to feel that because you didn't for so long, I get that. I get that you so okay, you've quit school. Your parents are trying to help you with this decision, with saving money. What's next? What happens next?
TraceyAnn:I ended up moving into like an apartment with another girl um, where I was just like running out of a room. I didn't know her, I just found her online and that's brave.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, not a lot of people do that yeah, but she was like, was like, she was like 26 at the time, but it didn't really work out that great. Just because I was like hanging out with different people every night and bringing them to the apartment and just being loud and drinking a lot and like, yeah, like, yeah. And now, like looking back, I'd be like, oh my God, I couldn't handle that. So that didn't really work out and I ended up moving in with somebody else. That also didn't really work out because of my behaviors at that time and so I ended up being like homeless. But I had to reach out to like a homeless program where they gave me like a hotel voucher and then they would give me gift cards for like fast food places. So that helped out.
Speaker 3:You're brushing over this. So how old are you? At this point, I think I was 8 or 19. You're a teenager. You don't have a high school diploma. You have been bouncing around. Two of your homes have not worked out, homes have not worked out and now you find yourself homeless and having to go to an organization to get some sort of voucher for what? A motel, six or something, yeah, okay, and in vouchers for food. How are you feeling at that point?
TraceyAnn:definitely alone and like scared and sad, but for some reason it didn't really like fully click in my mind yet that I needed to like you know well.
Speaker 3:You're in survival mode. Tess, you're so funny. You're homeless. You don't have food. The most base thing that we need as humans is food and shelter. You have neither of them. Of course you weren't letting it. Almost good that you didn't, because you were probably surviving. So you're surviving and you're in this motel. Are you talking to your mom at this point?
TraceyAnn:yeah, I am. Yeah, my mom actually was the person who was like told me to reach out to the um homeless program. Um, thank god, and I was still talking to my mom and my mom was kind of just like I think this is the rock bottom you needed, and like they were still like super supportive of me, but it was kind of just like you have to like figure this out. This is like it's time to like figure your stuff out.
Speaker 3:She wasn't enabling you too much. She wasn't like you come home, I'll take care of you. She was. I can give you the tools, I can bring the horse to water, but you need to drink yourself. Yeah, okay, when do you meet this man, this man, this, the guy who I you've told me about that, you know kind of brought things to the next level yeah, um, that was, I think, about a year later.
TraceyAnn:I ended up like getting back on my feet, rented out another room from somebody else, getting my own apartment, and then I ended up meeting my ex-boyfriend through I think it was through like Instagram, and I had already known his cousin, and then he came over to my apartment one night and so I think I was about like 20 when I met him.
Speaker 3:So, to recap, you got yourself up on your feet, probably have a job. Now you have an apartment and things are going pretty good, and then you meet, yeah, the man. And how, how does this relationship change at your life?
TraceyAnn:when I met him, I was I was already like doing drugs and drinking what kind of drugs were you doing? Oh, um, like I was doing like cocaine um with my roommate so okay, it's not expensive yeah, it was kind of expensive at the time. I had tips, so I would spend my tips on that, but I was barely managing so so you are already doing drugs, but you're not yet to.
TraceyAnn:I think cocaine obviously is a very hard drug, but it we're not rock bottom yet, and when I met him, I I think like for the first like month, I knew something was like weird, something was off, um, like what do you mean? What like?
Speaker 3:he never had any money.
TraceyAnn:He never had any money.
Speaker 3:I don't I've so been there, babe. I bet, yeah, he worked a full-time job.
TraceyAnn:He worked more than me, but he didn't have any money and he was paying way less rent than I was. So I just like didn't understand. He was also just like constantly, constantly going to the bathroom or just randomly sneaking off and I didn't really know, like what, why You've had some bowel issues.
TraceyAnn:Yes, yeah, that's what, like like you would tell and I didn't understand. I really didn't know and like I think I kind of knew something was off, but I didn't want to like fully believe it. Um, and at the time his friend was already doing the same drug. He was doing but one night fentanyl, okay, yeah, one night. We're like hanging out and his eyes are like rolling backwards and I'm asking you, sorry, to like laugh.
Speaker 3:No, I'm with you. I'm with you too. I'm like you have to laugh, right? I mean, get through it, let's find the humor.
TraceyAnn:And I was like asking him like you know, you can just tell me if you're like on something, cause I just knew, like you know, this can't be like the coke, something else. And he ended up like pulling out like a bag of pills and they were like these blue pills, the fentanyl pills, and he ended up confessing to me that he was like doing these pills, that he was also doing like meth, and that night we were just like in my room and he was like crying, saying he wanted to stop, and he was telling me, like you know, you're sick. If you don't do it, it makes you like sick, which at the time I just was like, oh, that's just an excuse. Shortly after, I found out how bad the addiction really can be. And then he offered some to me and I was just like scared Because I was like I don't know if I want to like do this or not, but I also was like.
Speaker 3:Wait, wait, wait. Tell me this wasn't the same conversation where he's crying. I want to get off of it, but would you like some? Yeah, yeah.
TraceyAnn:Oh, good God. Yeah, this is confusing and for me I was just like I wanted like another escape. So it was just like, if he's doing it like it can't be what you see on the news, like it can't be, like oh, you dropped dead. Like in my mind I I was trying to like be like justifying it, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like a functional alcoholic. He was a functioning fentanyl user, I guess yeah.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, yeah. So I ended up doing it that night and like immediately I just like fell in love with the feeling it gave me and from then on it was like every single moment I could have. I was like doing it, wow. And he would tell me like you know, slow down. And I just like couldn't, like I think the drug was just so strong and like fell into my own addiction. Eventually, like I started, I think like a few weeks in I wouldn't have it and I would start getting like sick, which is called like dope sick.
Speaker 3:You're starting to get sick from this fentanyl. What? How do you get better? I mean, obviously, like you're, you're doing more, you're thinking you're gonna get better than you're doing more. How do you that cycle? When does how does that stop for you?
TraceyAnn:okay. So I'm at home, um, and it was just very suspicious, like I was constantly taking out money and lying to her about like why I was doing it. She's like acting really suspicious. And so one day I come home from work and I just pulled out more money and my mom asked me about it, and so I ended up telling her my dad that I was using fentanyl.
Speaker 3:Why do you think you told them To reach out for help? Maybe?
TraceyAnn:Yeah, I think like I wanted to get help for it and I was just like at that point, just like scared, um, and I think it took like a few times of them asking me like what was going on, till I finally told them, because I think I was also just really scared to like admit to like what was really going on to them yeah um, but yeah, my mom ended up asking if I um wanted to go to rehab and she was like calling rehab places and I think, like at that point I was just like yeah, like I need to go to like rehab, like I just I need to like end this, even though.
TraceyAnn:I was like scared, but yeah.
Speaker 3:So you go to rehab, your mom helps you get in and what, what happens there and how old are you at this point? Like 20, yeah, 20 okay so I go to rehab.
TraceyAnn:For about like two weeks I was in there and they gave me like suboxone, which is like something to help get off opioids. I'm starting to go to like meetings and stuff like that, um, and getting like introduced to what like the program is, but at that time I didn't really like believe that I needed it or that like I like had to be there, I don't know. And then my mom wanted me to go to longer, longer term care, which I really didn't didn't want to do, and I was trying to like fight going longer term, but I really didn't have anywhere else to go. I ended up going there.
TraceyAnn:It's kind of confusing because in the middle of like all of that, I ended up, uh, going into like psychosis because I think, just like when I was in detox, I wasn't able to sleep and I think my body was used to like using this drug to sleep. Yeah, yeah, so like my I don't know, I think my brain was just like all over the place. So I ended up going into like psychosis. So I went to like another hospital for a few weeks and then, yeah, and where's the man during this he?
TraceyAnn:is now like on the street, like he's sleeping in like tents or at like his friend's house and we like barely had communication because he didn't really even have his phone most of the time, or like wasn't charged and he was still like out there like, I think, trying to get sober, but not, I don't know what makes you leave this particular uh facility, or did you finish the program? No, I ended up leaving. There was a lot of like drama with the girls there.
Speaker 3:What kind of drama?
TraceyAnn:One girl was like stealing my like shirts and she was like my roommate and I ended up like confronting it in like the group chat which, like I probably shouldn't have done. I probably should have just done it privately. But it ended up like being kind of this big like thing and I don't know. I think I just already just didn't really want to be there in general, so I ended up leaving that rehab and from then I was just cow chopping. I didn't have like a place to live. I was just like literally just like cow chopping living in my car.
Speaker 3:Did you go back to that place to get vouchers for food again?
TraceyAnn:I tried but, um, they wouldn't give me like the motel six vouchers. But I did try to like, but they wouldn't give me like the Motel 6 vouchers, but I did try to like reach out to like as many places as I could, just seeing like what kind of like assistance they could give me.
Speaker 3:And this still wasn't rock bottom right.
TraceyAnn:No, not yet.
Speaker 3:So you end up meeting with that guy again. Is that correct? Yeah, Okay. And what happens from there?
TraceyAnn:From there. At that point we're both homeless. We get back into doing drugs again.
Speaker 3:Where do you get the money for fentanyl when you're homeless? How do you do that?
TraceyAnn:We weren't doing fentanyl at that point.
Speaker 3:We were just doing meth, okay, so how do you get the meth? I mean, how do you?
TraceyAnn:He would like know people that could like give it to him. He was friends with like a lot of homeless other people that were homeless.
Speaker 3:Something tells me that this guy was very charming.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, we end up like he called his grandpa because his grandpa had a house in West Virginia and he was like his plan was just to go to West Virginia either way. So I went with him all the way to West Virginia and his grandpa sent us like money to get there and we spent like money on like the gas, but we also spent it on drugs on our way up there and we ended up living with his grandpa for like I think like six to eight months.
TraceyAnn:I don't remember exactly how was his grandfather was he a good guy um, he was also like an alcoholic and he it was just confusing because, yeah, it was, their relationship was confusing, um, and he also just had a lot of like very bad, like anger issues, um, and it kind of made sense for why, like he was the way he was, because this is the guy who, like, raised him.
Speaker 3:Okay, so this is the guy that raised him. He is an alcoholic. He is obviously abusive. It's confusing because of the way he's treating him. What's confusing about the situation?
TraceyAnn:Of the way that that like he's treating.
Speaker 3:His grandson. His grandson which is crazy, because you haven't really seen that because your parents are have been pretty loving, you know. Yeah, that's okay.
TraceyAnn:Calling him like names.
Speaker 3:Like what kind of names?
TraceyAnn:Like just calling him dumb and like yelling at him and when he'd get drunk he would yell and then he would feel bad and then he would go and cry and we could hear him crying from the other room and it was just like very, very awkward. He's like toxic. He's yelled at me at a few points Like I don't know. It was just, it was just strange.
Speaker 3:It was it sounds very strange, tess very toxic and not a very healthy environment. No, so you're in this horribly unhealthy environment, in a state that you have no idea about again surviving. What's the turning point? You're doing drugs down there. What happens next? What's the turning point? You're doing drugs down there.
TraceyAnn:What happens next. So I remember like it got really bad. My mental health was really, really bad and I just like was like worse than what I've like ever felt in my life.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, at that point we were fighting a lot, and there was one morning when we had a really really bad fight, um, and then I remember too, like I was just like praying to God, like to save me from like this, like addiction, but also just from like the way I was living, and I was just like having like a lot of racing thoughts and being like this isn't where I should be, like there's, there has to be like more to my life than just whatever this is. And so I ended up reaching out to my mom for help, who I had then reached out to like the last rehab that I went to, and they kind of just like encouraged me to like go get help, especially my mom too. And that's when I like I spent a few days kind of like deciding whether or not I really should go leave and get help or just stay there.
Speaker 3:Talk to me because you had mentioned in our pre-interview. I want to talk about this, and sometimes people don't know that they're making a difference, but wasn't the Uber driver that picked you up and he's talked to you about something that you felt like really touched your soul? Can you tell us about that?
TraceyAnn:So I finally got a taxi and it was like like a woman.
TraceyAnn:I ended up telling her like oh, I'm not going, I'm not going. And my mom was like on the phone and my mom was just like Tess, like get in the car. And so she told the taxi, like if you have any like encouraging words of advice or anything for her, like she's going to rehab, she's just scared, blah, blah, blah. And so I get in the car and the lady saw that I had like a bunch of trash bags I forget how, exactly how it went but she was telling me that she like ran away from her like ex-boyfriend and they were doing meth together and that she's been like clean for like a certain amount of time now. And she told me that she was even like speaking at the same like clinic that I went to. So it was just like crazy, because in that moment I kind of was like okay, this is like what I'm supposed to be doing, because I was like what are the odds that this like random lady like knows what I'm going through and has been there too?
Speaker 3:a kind word sometimes goes so much further than you think it does, and I'm that woman. I wish that she probably has no idea quite how much it affected you Full circle. You're now at your, the last place that you'll be before you really do become clean and sober. What was different this time than any other time? Besides the Uber driver, of course, but was it because you truly felt that in North Carolina, south Carolina?
TraceyAnn:West Virginia.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, what the heck In Alaska. What do you really truly think? Was it that really made it? This is the turning point.
TraceyAnn:Well, like me and my ex-boyfriend got into like a physical fight, and I think also I was just like realizing, too, I can't live like this. And I think like I realized too, like I would rather be in a facility than like where I am right now working on myself, because I was like there has to be a reason that I'm like doing these drugs and that I've like done all these things, yeah, um, and I just wanted to like get better and like stop like putting myself through that. I think I really did hit rock bottom, like mentally, and just like I was in West Virginia and I was not even close to my family I didn't see them in like such a long time and I was just like this is not how I'm supposed to live my life.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're at the facility and you're getting clean, and how does that feel?
TraceyAnn:I think it feels really good and like it helped too that like my mom had been there the entire time, just like being so encouraging, and I like wasn't really like scared. I was just like everything's going to kind of be okay and it's going to like fall into place, like it felt good just to be able to like do something for me.
Speaker 3:To go back a little bit. Your mom played such a pivotal role in your transformation and you had been through so much with her and all the anger and all the fights and and not treating her well, and then here she is still. Still. That's a love of a mom. That is a love of a mom truly, who is there to pick up the pieces and continue to help you. When did you really truly realize that your mom was your anchor?
TraceyAnn:When I got back from like West Virginia.
Speaker 3:From Kansas. I'm just kidding.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, like, I think like then I kind of just was like because she never judged me and she never like it wasn't like making me feel bad about anything. Yeah, and just being like so encouraging the entire time and I think like reminding me of like who I am again too, as like just like all the good qualities about myself, while also like being honest about how like like I wasn't the easiest child ever and like how we did have these issues, but like also empathizing with me and it felt like I'd been away from like my like I don't know like my roots, almost like just knowing who I am like on the inside, um, for so long. So like having my mom say all those things to me and just be there for me just helped so much.
Speaker 3:Now moving forward. You are part of the community there. Tell me about that.
TraceyAnn:Yeah, I go to like a lot of meetings. I also like work in treatment as well and I sponsor like a girl and I have a sponsor and I think it's just like really cool to cool to be able to like be around this like environment. It's just like yeah.
Speaker 3:And you're also a house, mom right, or a house, what's it called, lally?
TraceyAnn:A house manager? Yes, a house manager. House manager yeah, cute. The same like facility that I went to as well.
Speaker 3:That's incredible, Tess.
TraceyAnn:Tell me what a house manager does. So just like making sure that everybody's like doing their chores, making sure that everybody's like kind of just up in the morning I run like a little group in the mornings before they go Like making sure that everybody's like home. I do like a house meeting once a week Just making sure that the house is like flowing how it's supposed to.
Speaker 3:That's just incredible to us. How does it feel to be a role model for others right now?
TraceyAnn:I think it feels really good because I didn't picture myself like in this like position, and so it's really cool to see like where I was to where I am now. And it feels good because it like holds me accountable too, cause now it's like I like everything kind of relies on me staying on this path as well, so it's kind of nice.
Speaker 3:When others depend on you, it really does hammer at home right, especially when you know they're there. You know what it's like to be on that brink of the decision do I go this way or that way? And I applaud you. I want to read you a couple of statistics that I think you might know, but I want the audience to know, because it's just an incredible journey that you've been able to kick fentanyl. Approximately 1.2% of the estimated 259,000 individuals have achieved recovery. 1.2% can get past that. Tess, you're an angel. You have done something so incredible and I'm I'm so proud of you. I don't hope that doesn't sound bad, but I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 3:It's a really hard drug to kick and you did it. And listen, I know it's one day at a time. Every day is a new day. I get that, but you did it and I'm proud of you and I think that the journey that you led you have so much to offer. Somebody else who's listening to this might just be. You know, struggling as hard as you are, especially in high school. I mean, it's rough. High school can be rough, man, middle school too. So if you had any advice to give anyone that was struggling, you know, as you did with. I'm going to ask you two questions. One is the suicidal thoughts and how they can I guess how they can get help for that If you could give them some advice or some thoughts. I don't want to say advice because no one wants to hear advice, especially when you're going through that.
TraceyAnn:What would you say, I would say to just like reach out for help wherever you can, and sometimes like medication, would you say. I would say to just like reach out for help wherever you can and sometimes like medication can also help. I would also say like a lot of it is like whatever you decide to like think about will kind of like grow. So if you're like constantly living in like the negativity and like the bad parts of yourself, I feel like it'll kind of just grow into something bigger. I feel like it'll kind of just grow into something bigger. So I think it really helps just to like remain grateful for like what you have and just like who you are as a person and try to just focus on like as much of the positivity as you can, even though it can be hard. I think just like training your mind to like do that is really helpful as well.
Speaker 3:I agree. I think that mindset is such a powerful tool and if you can't surround yourself by that I mean for your boyfriend, for example, the ex, who had this terrible upbringing you can go to social media and find you know how to be grateful, how to be, how to change your mindset. It's all just go for it, right, and if anyone's struggling with addiction, go to meetings.
TraceyAnn:I think like it's really easy to build a community through that. I'd say like get a sponsor and surround yourself with people who are positive in your life and like helpful to your growth, just like doing the inner work. Um, that can be really like helpful and really positive as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, reach out. There's somebody always there to pick you up. It sounds so corny, but it's true. If you reach out, the universe will embrace you. That's it. You just have to want to, and I know that's kind of rough to say to somebody who's going through it, but I, you know also personally have had so many people help me, so I try to pay it forward as much as I can, as you are doing, to test. I'm gonna ask you a couple of fun questions now, just to kind of bring it all home. What's your favorite smell? Smell um, probably like vanilla, I think. Yeah, is it really okay? What's your favorite food? Comfort food Like bad food.
TraceyAnn:Oh, I really, really, really like pasta. I love pasta Delicious.
Speaker 3:What's your favorite kind of pasta, though, like beignets?
TraceyAnn:No just like spaghetti, I think.
Speaker 3:Spaghetti and butter. Yeah, okay, favorite movie oh oh, that's like hard.
TraceyAnn:I have a lot I don't know.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I I'm the same way. I have like I have my comedy ones and then I have my romantic ones. If there's a comedy, what are your top like? Give me one or two you can give me two, I really like the movie um 17 again.
TraceyAnn:Have you seen that with zach efron?
Speaker 3:okay, yeah yes, yes, yes, my mine is the wedding singer, I the wedding singer, and this three there's bridesmaids, wedding singer and, um, old school dude, I just wow, so good, oh. And then bullets over broadway. I, I'm the same way. I don't have have a favorite. I have a favorite too, so okay.
Speaker 3:So I wanted to say thank you, tess. You are incredible and I know this is one day at a time, but I am so proud of you and I'm so honored that you were able to share your journey with us today, because it's incredible and you are amazing and I'm just in awe of what you've been able to do and I hope you'll keep up the good work. And what I'd love to do is in a year or even two years, I don't know is come say hi again and have you back on and just give us where you're at and where are you now, and I am sending you love and prayers and thoughts and I'm just honored to be in your presence. Thank you so much. Thank you, no, thank you, and that's it. Everyone else, if you are listening and you are enjoying this, please like and subscribe and leave a comment. If you have any questions, leave a comment and, as always, stay legendary you.