Nobody Talks About This, Being A Good Woman And A Good Wife Are Not The Same Thing

Is there a difference between being a good woman and a good wife? In this episode of the Call Me First Podcast, Damian Lewis sits down with his wife Candis Lewis for one of the most honest conversations about marriage you will hear anywhere. They talk about why independence does not automatically make a woman ready for marriage, what real preparation for a lifelong commitment actually looks like, how love languages affect the way couples communicate, and the Wednesday System, a communication tool they built inside their own marriage to work through conflict without it turning into a full blown argument. Damian also opens up about how Candis brought something out of him that no woman had ever reached before and what that did for the way he shows up as a husband. If you are a man trying to understand what to look for in a partner, or a woman who is questioning where she stands in her relationship or her readiness for marriage, this conversation is for you. Grab a copy of Call Me First: A Man's Blueprint for True Leadership at Home at callmefirstshop.com. Follow Candis Lewis on all platforms at YahGloryRich.

Transcript

Damian Lewis (00:00)
Welcome back to another episode of Call Me First. Today I have a guest on here that is dear to my heart, one of the most important people there is to me. Today I want to introduce you

Candi Lewis (00:11)
He

Damian Lewis (00:11)
guys to my wife, Candace Lewis.

Damian Lewis (00:22)
Alright, babe. So thank you for being on the show. Thank you for agreeing to come on with me.

Candi Lewis (00:25)
Happy to be here.

Damian Lewis (00:27)
And she is joining us all the way from another room in the house. we are glad they come on here and do this for you for you guys. let's dive right into today's episode. Today's

Candi Lewis (00:41)
Let's go.

Damian Lewis (00:41)
okay, let's go for it. Today's episode, there is a question that that I can see

Damian Lewis (00:50)
People, especially people in marriages, not understand maybe more so the women in marriages where they don't understand that there is a difference between being a good woman and a good wife.

Candi Lewis (01:06)
Mmm.

Damian Lewis (01:07)
From your perspective, babe, is there a difference between being a good woman and a good wife?

Candi Lewis (01:15)
Absolutely. There is a difference. From my perspective, and I can't speak for all women, but just understanding the concept of that umbrella that most of us fall under, you can be a great woman. You could be your lady that's on the grind. You could be independent. You could have it all together, career, fitness, spirituality, all of that great and well.

Candi Lewis (01:42)
but that does not mean that you will be a great wife. Being a wife comes with a level of preparation. You don't just step into it and know. The single version of you is now graduating from single and independent to now being a partner, right? You have to grow and learn how to be that person's wife. So that is something that you have to prepare. A lot of the tools that you do learn in your independence,

Candi Lewis (02:10)
Come into play in the marriage, but it's not all the things. It will have to adjust accordingly to your household, to your partner's needs, to what's necessary in a cohabited type of environment, you know, building a marriage.

Damian Lewis (02:25)
So you said something earlier about preparation.

Candi Lewis (02:27)
Absolutely.

Damian Lewis (02:28)
That preparation, what does that preparation look like? When you're getting prepared

Candi Lewis (02:32)
That perv.

Damian Lewis (02:33)
to be someone's wife along with being a good woman, what does that preparation look like?

Candi Lewis (02:38)
It is not something that's done in a day.

Candi Lewis (02:41)
It takes a lot of healing and reconciliation that you have to go through with God. Allowing God to address the mental, the physical, the psychological, the emotional, the financial. Every aspect of your very existence has to be in a position where God is preparing you now to join with one person, to become a family.

Damian Lewis (03:06)
Gi give us a real life,

Damian Lewis (03:08)
give us a real life example of what you're saying as far as preparations, a real life example.

Candi Lewis (03:14)
Okay, so I'll give you my example. In order for me to have met my husband, right, and be in the right frame of mind mentally, I had to deal with a lot of trauma and all of it didn't get adjusted in a day. Coming to Christ, for me, I was able to deal with a lot of things, but there were certain wounds, there were certain soul wounds, there were things that I didn't even know that still bothered and affected the way that I would show intimacy and love to my husband.

Candi Lewis (03:44)
relationships before, but that's different. Being in a relationship is not the same as being in a marriage. And I know that could sound very crazy, but it's not the same. When you come into

Damian Lewis (03:56)
Think so.

Candi Lewis (03:56)
a marriage, it's a covenant thing. It's deeper. This is not something that you're coming in thinking, if I don't like him, I could get another. And that's how some people view it, right? Hey, if I don't like him, if I'm not feeling him, I could get another person. But it takes a little bit more deeper work.

Candi Lewis (04:14)
deeper work, not surface work, deeper work in order to make a marriage successful and to come in with the right mindset. There must be a renewing of the mind. You must deal with the healing. You must get to a certain level in your mental health, in your physical health, just overall well-being to now how someone else is.

Candi Lewis (04:41)
emotions and build and grow and develop from that place. It's not good to come into it in a certain level of toxicity and you know, not saying that everything has to be perfect coming in, but you need to be on a certain level of growth in your psychological mind to come in and start with a good foundation because that's what we're talking about. It doesn't have to stay perfect all the way through. The foundation needs to be set a certain way and you have to be prepared for that.

Damian Lewis (05:09)
You just made me think of something, right? The fact that you

Candi Lewis (05:12)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (05:12)
said foundation, the foundation has to be set, the foundation has to be right. Does a person or does a woman's upbringing have an effect on how if she can be a good woman or a good wife?

Candi Lewis (05:28)
Yes, absolutely. I believe it does come into play. I think it's like something you say, you have to eat the meat and spit the bones out. There are things that you're going to learn in your culture and your family dynamic that's going to put you in a position to be better off in the marriage because you might have some economical tools and skills and board up see, you know, household things that you could come in with that's going to benefit the marriage.

Damian Lewis (05:57)
What are what are some of those things?

Candi Lewis (05:59)
You know, your domestic things, you know, one of the main things a lot of women come in with is domestic things. You you learn how to manage the household if you were taught. If you were taught, right, how to manage the household. You learn, you know, basic skills. might know, hey, survival cooking, or you know how to tidy up a house. You wash dishes, you know, sweep them up. Certain things come into play.

Candi Lewis (06:25)
that you will be able to add into your life as you become a wife. Everybody's situation will be different in your marriage. Some people could afford to have a maid and other things, but you ultimately would need to know those foundational things coming in. It's better for you and it's beneficial for the marriage.

Damian Lewis (06:46)
Now was this something that you wanted or knew you were going to do as a wife while you

Candi Lewis (06:54)
You

Damian Lewis (06:54)
were growing up? Or did it did it come later that were you a different way earlier and then it changed later?

Candi Lewis (07:03)
I think just automatically because I respected for the time that I did have the parental in my life, I respected the foundation and the seeds that they planted in me from the very beginning. And I saw that dynamic work in my household. So I was able to bring that into my home once I became a wife. And I realized that that system worked well.

Candi Lewis (07:29)
with my parents for the time that they were together. I saw that and that worked and that was favorable for our household. So that is something that I automatically as I saw it, I copied it and brought it into my household because it was beneficial.

Damian Lewis (07:47)
Now, you said that you saw some of the things your parents did before and they planted some seeds in you. What

Candi Lewis (07:57)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (07:58)
are some examples of some those seeds that let's say your mom or or dad planted in you that you use today in your everyday life as a good woman and a good wife?

Candi Lewis (08:10)
To be honest, my mom was a housewife. So that dynamic back then was a little bit different in that time. So I was a late 80s baby coming into the 90s. That was kind of common in that time, you know, time of life. So my mom was a housewife. So she would take care of all the housework duties. My mom did not work at all. My mom did not pay any bills at all. So my mom took care of the kids. She took care of all the cooking, the cleaning.

Candi Lewis (08:41)
The stewarding of the house, that was her job. She managed her home, she made sure everything was good and in order while my dad went out and he worked doubles and triple shifts just to maintain everything in the house. But she was a good wife, cooked food, took care of the laundry, cleaned the house, maintained and sustained the house as my dad was bringing in the bacon, right?

Damian Lewis (09:07)
So in in that same situation, in that same situation, let's say the roles were were flipped or even split with the 50-50 talk.

Candi Lewis (09:18)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (09:19)
Is a woman still responsible for

Damian Lewis (09:23)
Those things, the taking care of the house, making sure the house is good, making sure the meals are prepared, making sure the clothes are clean, making sure the bills are paid. When I say bills are paid, meaning that she pays the bills, maybe the the the the her and the husband split split the money, but she does the what what is it, the administrative work. Everything I just named,

Candi Lewis (09:41)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (09:42)
if she is either bringing in half the money or

Candi Lewis (09:45)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (09:46)
she is bringing in most of the money, would a woman that's a good woman and a good wife still be responsible for something like that?

Candi Lewis (09:53)
I think you actually have to pick according to what works for your household. To be honest, I can't say, you know, hey, she should be responsible for that. Back in the day, it was a part of chivalry that the man held down certain things automatically. Now we're in an era where everything is 50-50, right? In a lot of people's lives. And I think you ultimately have to pick the dynamic that works best for your household.

Candi Lewis (10:20)
Now there are some things as far as natural duties that people kind of look into in a household. Okay, the man is supposed to be the one that provides and protect according to books and how we see most movies and the things that we were conditioned to know. And the woman is supposed to make sure the kids are nurtured. There's food in the home, et cetera. The place is clean and tidy. I think it works best where

Candi Lewis (10:50)
both people are responsible. When it's a 50-50, it's both that they manage and they'll be aware, fully aware of what's going on in the home and pick what works best for their dynamic. I think everybody needs to be aware of all the responsibilities of the home and pick what works accordingly and have that balance. But of course, we wouldn't expect to send a lady out there to defend the robber coming into the house. The man is stronger in physique and

Candi Lewis (11:19)
you know, all the things. So he should be the one going into danger, right? So we would automatically kind of look to him for that. And when it comes to a woman's duty, most of the time we look to make sure the mom has things or the wife has things in the home that she's taking care of just off of just natural and nature standpoint from it, from that place.

Damian Lewis (11:42)
Makes a lot of sense. Now I can speak for our household and say that there you do allow me to you give me time to do a lot of things that as far as making the the money and bringing it home and you know and then we we as a team decide what we do with the money and how we how we how we maneuver the money. With all that being said

Damian Lewis (12:13)
The time that you give me to do all this stuff is, I don't think you get enough credit for. And women and women and the whole get enough credit for when they do perform a certain role that allows the man to do what the man does, right? And the the concept of you

Damian Lewis (12:35)
what you do with the you take care of most of the things in the house as far as the domestic things inside the house and you take care of most of those. I gotta give you credit where credit is due on that and you know tell you that I I wholeheartedly appreciate you doing such. the fact that you are able to do these things and you came in equipped, ready to do these things. Me being your husband is is one thing.

Candi Lewis (13:04)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (13:05)
But does it does does a husband being a husband alone?

Damian Lewis (13:12)
Let me see. I'ma say this. Does being the h does the fact of you being a husband, does this mean that you're supposed to get that type of treatment from your wife where your wife takes care of everything and

Damian Lewis (13:28)
She does it because you bring the money in. Is that something i that a husband should should should expect from his wife?

Candi Lewis (13:36)
I like again, I think that if I'm speaking for myself, I kinda have to say for me, I feel like it's what works best for my household. And I don't have a problem being a servant in a certain way in my household. We both sacrifice and take accountability for the things that we need to for our household to run smoothly.

Candi Lewis (14:03)
Now when it comes to someone else, would feel my nature would be like, hey, if the husband is working seven days a week and he's working doubles to pay all the bills, I would think that with his physical drainage that he's feeling to provide for the family, I feel like, hey, I'm not telling you the wife should be drained in the home doing everything else, but it should be where there's a level of sacrifice that is.

Candi Lewis (14:31)
if that is needed, that both people are working towards maintenance of the home in a certain aspect for it to run smoothly. Now, I can't say he would expect that, but I think a hot meal is expected after he worked, right? He should come home to a peaceful home, right? It doesn't have to be perfect. He should come home to peace where he can feel comfortable in his home. He should come home and be able to have clean clothes to put on his back.

Candi Lewis (15:01)
He should be able to have a nice cold drink if he worked hard, you know what I mean? Whatever that is, whatever it is. There's just certain things I feel like he shouldn't come into chaos after he broke his back out there. Biblically it says the sweat of the brow, right? The man must work. He must sweat and earn, right? And if we're gonna follow that, then the woman is the manager of the household. She is supposed to manage the household.

Candi Lewis (15:29)
It would be kind of like disgusting as a woman to know that your man worked seven days a week providing for you and the kids and making sure you don't even have to go out there and sweat and deal with any stress and then he can't receive good treatment at home. That's kind of a hot meal not on a table. The house is a hot mess. That would be insane. I think that's a disrespect to his hard work.

Damian Lewis (15:54)
What do you think would cause a woman to choose not to do that for her?

Candi Lewis (15:58)
Lack of respect. Lack of appreciation. Poor broad-up see.

Damian Lewis (16:03)
Go go go deeper into that for me.

Candi Lewis (16:05)
Lack of respect. She doesn't respect the man that is working hard. She likes the benefit of the man, but she doesn't respect the man. She doesn't respect him. Period. And

Damian Lewis (16:16)
And

Candi Lewis (16:16)
if you don't respect somebody, you will treat them anyhow. It don't matter what they do for you.

Damian Lewis (16:24)
So I guess my next question is does the woman

Damian Lewis (16:30)
If she is a d if she does come with all those accolades that she is willing to take care of of the house already, that that that's one thing. Now,

Candi Lewis (16:37)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (16:38)
if she doesn't come with that already, can a man bring that out of her or does she already have to have it equipped already before she even comes?

Candi Lewis (16:48)
She doesn't have to be equipped, but she has to be renewed in her mind. And I think with anybody, she has to value the man and he has

Damian Lewis (16:57)
Mm-hmm.

Candi Lewis (16:57)
to value the woman. And it has to be something that they're both willing to work with each other because nothing is coming perfect. Everything is a work in progress, right? So us as a couple or boyfriend, girlfriend, man, a woman before marriage, it's a different level of respect.

Candi Lewis (17:17)
and upgrade in the way that you think coming into it in a marriage. And you both have to be willing to be accountable, compromise, sacrifice. It's an equal thing. It's not where the weight is on one side or not on the other. Some one person might be physically stronger while the next one is emotionally stronger. It's like it would have to work together. It would have to mesh together. But they both have to agree. They can't walk together unless they agree. They have to agree.

Candi Lewis (17:46)
If there's no respect, that's it. It won't work.

Damian Lewis (17:51)
Alright, so now the flip side of that, the flip side of that.

Candi Lewis (17:53)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (17:55)
What does a man have to do to be able to get that from his woman?

Candi Lewis (18:02)
I think he needs to be a man of his word. A man of his word. He says what he means. He appreciates. He's accountable. He is respectable. He sees the value in the person that he has. And he has to show that he's willing to, I guess you would say, run through the brick wall to get certain things done because you value.

Candi Lewis (18:32)
who you have, you value what's there. That foundation is good, you know?

Damian Lewis (18:38)
Now let's speak about like certain things. he has to pretty much what you were saying, if I'm correct me if I'm wrong, he has to prove himself. How does a man, an example of how would let's say a man is listening

Candi Lewis (18:48)
okay.

Damian Lewis (18:50)
right now and he feels like he's doing everything and he's not getting the respect from his wife that that he feels like he deserves. Is there something that he may be lacking? What can a man do specifically? Give me specifics of what he can do that he may not be doing.

Candi Lewis (19:06)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (19:06)
That will help him

Damian Lewis (19:07)
pull pull that level of respect out of his lady.

Candi Lewis (19:11)
So he definitely needs to communicate and he needs to listen. Because a lot of times, and this was something that we actually dealt with in our marriage in the beginning, we were speaking two different languages. So if I...

Candi Lewis (19:24)
spoke to you in a way that I felt that you needed to be loved but that wasn't your love language, that's something totally different. We're speaking two different languages. So I feel like that's where a lot of the issues come with people is that they're speaking different love languages. I can't love you in my love language and that's still something that grows and develops, right? A lot of times it's easier to speak to someone in your love language but it's not theirs. So I feel like that might be the issue where

Candi Lewis (19:53)
the communication is off in that relationship where the woman is feeling like it's like a lack of appreciation in the home. why can't he see my value? Why is he not aware? What is happening? Like, he just don't know. He's clueless. So if there's no, if there's not proper communication, there's a lot of misunderstanding and that could make someone feel devalued in the marriage or the relationship because we're communicating wrong.

Candi Lewis (20:20)
We're not even speaking each other's language and it must be a place where both people are willing to take accountability. Even if there's one person that is more hurt, even though the other person might be right, you still have to be accountable and know that that communication and trust to know that you guys are on the same team and we need to fix the faulty part before the whole thing crashes and burn. So we're going to have to work it out. We're going to have to communicate big part the right way with the right language.

Damian Lewis (20:51)
All right, so now you spoke on like the the the the versions of love languages that people may not

Candi Lewis (20:56)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (20:57)
the love language the the wife may speak may not be the one the husband is able to receive, right? How do how would people, how would people in a marriage recognize that and and once they do recognize it, how can they move forward and make it

Damian Lewis (21:21)
And how could they move forward and and and make it a a progressing, a progressing situation going forward, meaning that they have recognized the problem now. They first we need to find out how can they recognize the problem. The f now when they recognize the problem, what can they do after they recognize the problem to make sure that it's get it the problem is getting smoothened out, that the same argument or the same collision or bump in the road doesn't happen every single time.

Candi Lewis (21:50)
think it's not something that's one and done. I feel like you have to look at the resources available. Like some people respond better to therapy. If you need a therapist, go that route. If you need to talk to a counselor or buy some CDs or some quizzes, you have to make the effort. A lot of people feel like certain things are corny, but marriage is full of corn. It's full of corn.

Candi Lewis (22:19)
You have to, it's just something, you got to do something you never did to have something you never had. So it may be things that you might feel like, don't feel like I want to do that, but it is that level of work that you have to put in, in order for it to be maintained. Right? So resources, get counsel, you know, listen to whatever podcasts you need to. If you guys got to work quizzes out, find quizzes to accommodate whatever is necessary.

Candi Lewis (22:43)
whatever the issue is in your marriage, you gotta do that. You have to make that extra effort. Y'all have to work together. Y'all have to come up with a plan. Hey, what can we do? We did something to that in the beginning that in our marriage when we were having a couple bumps in the road. We used to have like a therapy Wednesday. You know, we would come in, yeah, we would have where we would bring up the good thing one week and then, okay.

Damian Lewis (23:03)
yeah, the Wednesday system. The Wednesday system. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Go completely

Damian Lewis (23:10)
into that Wednesday system for the people that are listening. Guys,

Candi Lewis (23:13)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (23:13)
this system here, I promise you, this system here had to be one of the most helpful place things that we could have done in the beginning of our marriage, sh right short of having to go to counseling. This is how serious things were in the beginning.

Damian Lewis (23:31)
And then we figured out a system that actually worked for us. And I would like my wife to go in and explain that system to the people

Candi Lewis (23:39)
Yeah

Damian Lewis (23:40)
that are listening.

Candi Lewis (23:42)
All right. So we actually started like a Wednesday. It was just a day that we were birthed off. So we picked that day. We picked, Hey, we're going to do either 30 minutes to an hour where we come with either one week. We will bring up the good things we like about the person. What's the positive thing about the person, what we appreciate about the person. And then the next week we'll bring up an issue that we have. Now when you won't be able to discuss your response on the week that you bring it up, you got to wait for the next week.

Candi Lewis (24:12)
to bring it up. So you would have time to write your notes and bring your things together. It can't be an attack. You have to be willing to listen and hear the person out so that they can get everything out they need about that particular situation. Am I missing a piece?

Damian Lewis (24:28)
And I want to go a little bit more into detail for for the people that are listening, right? I'm gonna go in

Candi Lewis (24:30)
Okay, more details, okay.

Damian Lewis (24:32)
yeah, I'm gonna go into a little bit more detail too. So as as like my wife said, we had the system set for Wednesdays because it was our day off, right? The thing is, there we had real bumps in the road. And one of the bumps that we we've had in the road is the the the difference, the level of spirituality that I was I was in and in compared to faith with with with God and the level that she was in. And we bumped a lot.

Damian Lewis (24:57)
on that that level there. Another situation was like my my way of parenting was a lot more stern and strict. My wife gave a little bit more grace to the children and we had a lot of bumps in that situation. Now we came in with the way we were for 30 something years of our lives already. Or you know, we was we were already 30 something years of how we were and we thought that the way we were was how life is.

Damian Lewis (25:27)
And we didn't realize that when you are building something, certain things needs to change. So the Wednesday system came in because we were having those bumps. Now the fact that we were having those bumps, it was a lot of tension between us. So my wife and I came up with the Wednesday system. It was her really saying that, yeah, we need to figure out a way that we can communicate without one of us blowing up. And then we put together the Wednesday system. The Wednesda Wednesday system, like she explained, is

Damian Lewis (25:58)
There are gonna be things that you don't like about this person, certain things that when you bring it up, it causes a fight or causes an argument and it nothing gets resolved. And the reason why is because the person that is talking doesn't get validation on what they're saying because the other person decides to jump in and it's always a quick clap back or snap back or something to defend themselves. So with that being said, the Wednesday system came like this. I'm going to tell you something that I have a problem with with you.

Damian Lewis (26:28)
And you can't respond to me till next Wednesday when we come back. So now the fact that you can't respond to me till next Wednesday, it gives me an opportunity to say what I said, get it out completely, and now you have to go sit with it. But what it does to you now is it makes you have to think instead of just a quick reaction. Now you can take time to select that sit for seven days. That's seven days is a long time to sit with something.

Damian Lewis (26:58)
That you feel like you, you, you, you may have a comeback on or you may have a rebuttal on. But while

Candi Lewis (27:04)
Yeah.

Damian Lewis (27:04)
here's the thing though. When you're sitting with it for seven days, you're not just thinking about you. You're thinking about why this other person feels like that. And

Candi Lewis (27:14)
Yep.

Damian Lewis (27:14)
then when you come back now, well, and even before you come back, your your job is to think like, how would I be able to do my part in what she just said or what he just said?

Damian Lewis (27:26)
To make this better for the relationship, not just for her, not just for me, for the relationship. And you take the seven days and you gotta go sit with that. Now, when the seven, when the next Wednesday comes, now you get to come back and you get to do a response to what the people said, well, what was said to you before. Some of you may not have liked, but before, before you respond, you gotta, let's say, let's say my wife says something to me that I that she may have not liked liked about me.

Damian Lewis (27:54)
I gotta go sit with her for seven days. Now the seventh day come comes back. Now I gotta come back. And the first words out of my mouth, I have to tell my wife something I like about her. After I just sat sat with something that she told me that she doesn't like about me for a whole week, I gotta come back now and I gotta tell her something that I like or I love about her. Right?

Candi Lewis (28:13)
You

Damian Lewis (28:14)
And then respond to what she just said. And it's not one-sided. Now, after you do respond to what what what what she said last week.

Damian Lewis (28:22)
You get to tell her now something that you didn't really like or appreciate about, or something that she may be doing that that you may not approve of. She has to go sit with that for a week now. She can't respond to you for a week. Of course, this doesn't mean you guys stop talking for a week. You brought up the one issue. Don't bring up more than one every week. Don't bring it up more than one. One at a time. Bring up the one issue

Candi Lewis (28:44)
One at a time now. Okay.

Damian Lewis (28:48)
and you guys go sit with that. And then you come back.

Damian Lewis (28:51)
What it does, it gives people time to think, to evaluate, to look to see if what the other person is saying can be true. You're not caught up in your feelings, you're not caught up in your defense system. And that

Candi Lewis (29:04)
Correct.

Damian Lewis (29:05)
system right there works so well for us. Now, babe, would you recommend people that are having the same argument left and right day after day,

Candi Lewis (29:16)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (29:17)
every time.

Damian Lewis (29:18)
something happens, they go through that same argument or the same cycle of they're bumping heads in the same the the same spot. Would you recommend that Wednesday system to people and why?

Candi Lewis (29:29)
think they should. I think I would say if it's mature in mind, I use someone that is willing to work to resolve issues because some people like problems. I'm not even going cap. Some people really love problems and they love toxicity, they love drama, they love the hype, they love the fluff, they love those things. But if you value peace in your home,

Candi Lewis (29:57)
And if you, I'm telling you, the most uncomfortable thing is to be uncomfortable in your home. If you value that, I would say this is a way, this is a step, this is a, this is a tool that we use that helped us. And we are two very strong minded people. Hello. We didn't notice coming in, you know, we were getting to know each other, but we are both very strong willed and we both gonna stand our ground. And, it's, it's something that.

Candi Lewis (30:27)
helped us tremendously. would recommend it as a resource or a tool that you can use if you're mature enough to handle it because not everyone can. Not everyone can. So I want to put that disclaimer out there. And it will show you levels of yourself because I'm going to, I'm not going to lie to you. There's still growth for me on that level of accountability. Okay.

Damian Lewis (30:49)
That was gonna be my next question. What did it do for you specific? That was gonna be my next question. What did it do for you specifically?

Candi Lewis (30:56)
I had to face some things about myself that I didn't like, right? Being told that I had certain things that I felt like I needed more maturity. And it wasn't that I wasn't mature, but I deeper maturity as a wife. Me as an individual, it would have been fine.

Damian Lewis (31:13)
What what was one of those things?

Candi Lewis (31:15)
I would say accountability. thought, you know, as I was in relationships before, I was always the more mature one, always the more mature.

Candi Lewis (31:25)
and accountable person, but then I met someone more accountable than me, more mature than me. So now I had to come up to a certain level and I wasn't ready because I was like, listen, I was fine at level three now and you kind of pulling me up to level six and I didn't want to rush there. wanted to take my due process, but in order for things to work in a marriage, I had to listen and learn.

Candi Lewis (31:51)
and not always listen to responses, it's still a little struggle from time to time because you know us ladies, we be a little hormonal sometimes, we be a little emotional, right? But I still needed to put that effort in to grow because for me, this marriage is it. There's no other marriage. I'm taking my vow

Damian Lewis (32:09)
Hola, hola, hola, hola, hold on, hold on.

Candi Lewis (32:11)
serious. I'm taking my marriage seriously so I'm trying to put my best foot forward at all times.

Candi Lewis (32:21)
Yeah, I just, wanna grow. I wanna grow in the right way. And like I said, there's levels to everything. There's levels to trust, there's levels to growth, there's levels to maturity, accountability, all the things. But you have to be a willing participant. And I feel like that only works well if you have a partner that's willing to do the same thing with you, right? And my husband is that person. He's willing to, he's, you know, he's growing with me. We grow together as much as possible.

Candi Lewis (32:50)
regardless of our differences in certain things. So I feel like because he's willing and makes it easier. And what we have to do and what we do do is give each other grace because before I didn't have the patience out there in the world for people. Okay. And I have to have grace in my home. I have to have grace for him. And it wasn't an easy thing because I felt like some things were automatic. Like,

Candi Lewis (33:19)
Yeah, like what's going on one plus one is two man. What are you telling me? And he wasn't moving fast enough for me, right? But we have to give each other grace because growth is not always a rush thing. It's sometimes it takes time and you have to be patient and appreciate the strides and the steps that someone is taking. Especially when it comes to something as such where you're renewing your mind or renewing a mindset. That's not something you could rush someone to through. So you have to take the time to

Candi Lewis (33:49)
allow them to get to where they need to get to and be patient.

Damian Lewis (33:54)
All right, so I I I could I could say that would you say, I'm gonna say, would you

Candi Lewis (33:58)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (33:58)
say that being a part of a being a good woman and a good wife is being able to give grace?

Candi Lewis (34:03)
Absolutely. You gotta give grace, get grace. You gotta give grace and get grace.

Damian Lewis (34:05)
Right? Now what you said, give great say that again, sorry.

Candi Lewis (34:12)
Yes, it's a balance.

Damian Lewis (34:15)
What did I do specifically

Candi Lewis (34:16)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (34:18)
to get grace? And the reason I'm asking that question

Candi Lewis (34:19)
get. Okay.

Damian Lewis (34:21)
is I want another man that's listening to this to get an example of what he can do. I'm not saying it must work for him, but what can

Candi Lewis (34:31)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (34:31)
he do? What did I do during those times and to be specific that was that gave you the I guess the the allowance to to give me grace?

Candi Lewis (34:46)
what did you do? I think just from the beginning, you were kind of, to me, true to your word. You were someone who said, when you said something, you did it. When you said something, you meant it. it wasn't an imbalance or, yeah, imbalance of exchange. You know what I mean? So everything lined up exactly, how you were from the very beginning. That didn't change, like the character and

Candi Lewis (35:13)
you were always willing to sacrifice and work hard for me, right? If I can separate myself from everything else, you were always willing to work hard and sacrifice for me. So I felt like, okay, with that, I saw the fruits of that. So I was able to, you know, progress and grow into the things that I needed to. So that gave me the motivation, I guess, if I needed any to.

Candi Lewis (35:42)
commit to whatever it is I needed to commit to. And I feel like that was a balance with us. That was a, matched each other's energy when it came to certain things. So it was easier and we already get a lot of flak from the world. They already tell us we're an anomaly, how we think about each other and how we move and all of that. But I feel like I, that was part of the reason why I chose

Candi Lewis (36:11)
you know, you as a husband, you know, because that balance was there. I felt like you would do exactly what I would do. We had great minds and we think alike with certain things. So we were both always willing to sacrifice, go the extra mile, go hard or go home type thing. And that was always something that we had similar mindsets with. So I feel like it was easier because you was always willing to go the extra mile, 150,000.

Candi Lewis (36:41)
percent, right? And there was no one else to compare.

Damian Lewis (36:46)
Now, what does that extra mile, that extra mile that you just spoke about, what does that what's

Candi Lewis (36:50)
Yeah

Damian Lewis (36:51)
that what does that extra mile mile do for a woman's mindset like you just said that you never had that before? What does that do for the mindset for of a woman that a man is willing to go an extra mile for them? And then he proves and does exactly what he says he's gonna do. He's a man of his word by what you were saying, and he does everything that what does that do for her mindset when she was coming from an independent place?

Candi Lewis (37:17)
I think it gives a lot of rest and it gives a lot of comfort in having that because after being a place where even I started to learn it as growing day by day, it gives comfort in knowing that you can exit survival mode. You could come out of survival mode. You don't have to carry all the weight by yourself. You don't have to...

Candi Lewis (37:45)
see inconsistencies in a spouse or other people, you can relax. You could take the armor off. You can, you know, take all that extra stuff off because we had too many boundaries and we had to be strong all by ourselves and we had to deal. And that's what I was talking about from the beginning. You have to be renewed in your mind, you know? And it's not easy if you don't have a good partner.

Candi Lewis (38:14)
because it will be all for nothing. But you have to choose correctly. You have to be able to not be in delusion. You have to be aligned with your partner. There are so many things, but you can't get to that type of answer unless you have a renewed mind and you're willing to go and willing to take the necessary steps to be prepared. If that makes sense. Okay.

Damian Lewis (38:40)
No, it it d it does make sense. It does

Damian Lewis (38:42)
make sense. And you know what? It's like I gotta give my version of it too though.

Candi Lewis (38:47)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (38:50)
The grace, the grace that you you you you st you instilled on me, and what it did for me was

Damian Lewis (39:00)
You know this. I came with an aggressive attitude from the from the beginning because that is what I was used to. I came with a survival mode attitude. I came with I'm a dude from the Nork, New Jersey. This is where I grew up. You had to be on point. You had to be aggressive. You had to carry yourself a certain way. And

Damian Lewis (39:23)
The women in that area came with that same thing too. So everybody had this aggressive behavior to them. What you did for me though was you put me in a place where I didn't have to be that no more. I didn't have to be like that. And of course it started off rocky because I didn't know I didn't have to be like that. But through your patience and your your grace in me that you had for me.

Damian Lewis (39:53)
It brought me down off of that level of of aggression. because it's just what I was used to. And what that actually did for me was made me realize that I can put myself in a in a in a state of relax because I have a woman that is not coming for me. She's actually

Candi Lewis (40:15)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (40:16)
pushing me or walking with me in a direction that

Damian Lewis (40:22)
I wasn't able to do before. Right? So this is what your grace brought for me. And if a woman can bring that out of a man.

Damian Lewis (40:34)
If a I'm I'm I'm being seriously, if a woman can bring that level of of fortitude out of a man, you have unlocked something in that man that has never been touched before. And what you were going to get in return for that.

Damian Lewis (40:53)
Is a life of protection, a life of provision that is gonna come from this man. I can almost guarantee it. So with

Candi Lewis (41:01)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (41:02)
everything that my wife has done for me, she's in a place right now that she has someone that will give it all for her. I mean, give it all. She has the protector that will lay his life down for her.

Damian Lewis (41:23)
And I ain't just saying that just because we're on this podcast. She knows that for sure, right? I she knows that for sure.

Candi Lewis (41:26)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (41:30)
She's in a position that she knows that I no matter what, if I'm able-bodied, there is nothing that I'm going to say that I'm, babe, I don't feel like doing it. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I ain't feeling lazy. I'm I'm feeling lazy today. I ain't gonna go get nothing, get get it for

Candi Lewis (41:44)
Yeah.

Damian Lewis (41:44)
us. Am I lying? So

Candi Lewis (41:46)
No, absolutely not.

Damian Lewis (41:49)
I'm only you think I I I don't think.

Damian Lewis (41:53)
As a man, we would do that for everyone that we deal with. There is a certain level that this woman has to bring out of you within the sense of being a good woman and a good wife. She has to bring certain things out of you that puts a man in a position to say, Babe, it ain't nothing on this earth that I won't do for the benefit of you, me, and this entire union that we have together. This is what.

Damian Lewis (42:20)
A good woman and a good wife could bring out of a man. And I appreciate my wife for for that. So

Damian Lewis (42:26)
If you had to leave anything with the audience now that may be listening and guiding them or giving them an example, not even not even an example, guiding them.

Damian Lewis (42:38)
on what they need to pay attention to. If they aren't sure or if they're struggling with struggling with being a good woman and a good wife, if you had to leave anything with them right now, what would you say to that, to the man that's listening, to know if he can if he's being the man that can be a a man that the wife can be a good woman and a good wife for and for the woman that is that doesn't know that there is a

Damian Lewis (43:07)
difference between being a good woman and a good wife. And now after she heard you say after after she heard this conversation.

Damian Lewis (43:17)
She is l looking to see where she's looking to see where she may need some some changes. What would you say to those people? What should she be looking at and what should the man be doing moving forward if

Candi Lewis (43:28)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (43:28)
he need if he wants to put her in a place to do this?

Candi Lewis (43:31)
Okay, I think for the men, I think you should be in a position where you can learn all that you need to learn as a man. If you're going to be a strong leader in your house, a good father, a good husband, learn all that you could possibly learn as far as a man, as far as handiwork, basic things around the house. Like you wanna be the one that, babe, I need you to tighten up this door, you know?

Candi Lewis (44:00)
Learn all the things within your capability as a man should know, right? For the household, to the upkeeping and the growth of his home in such a way that they can look to him as the strength, right? Both parties bring strength, but he would be looked at as the strength so that it won't be a problem in his household for the woman to show him that respect, to protect.

Candi Lewis (44:27)
and to provide because he's well learned and well resourced in the house, right? And get to a level of accountability. think the part that I would say for both people is mentally be prepared, be accountable, be mature in your decisions. Don't be lazy in the process. Let the process be the process. If it's not, then you're not ready because some of these things you don't want to go in to the relationship or the marriage.

Candi Lewis (44:56)
Not knowing you want to come in even if you're not on level 20 with it You at least want to know that you know the basics and you can grow with your partner For the woman I feel like take the time to prepare Don't rush it because you desire a wedding day a wedding day is just a wedding day a marriage is for a lifetime, right? So when you come in prematurely and with the wrong mindset, you're not prepared to go long distance You thought you were gonna have a sprint?

Candi Lewis (45:25)
100 meter dash when you need to have a marathon, right? That's gonna go a little longer. So you have to prepare,

Damian Lewis (45:32)
Mm-hmm.

Candi Lewis (45:32)
prepare in your mind, prepare in your spirit. Learn the things you need to learn. Women who don't learn certain things, they're lazy. Point blank period. You don't want to learn. You do what you want to do. You give the attention to what you, so if you know, hey, I don't know how to cook, there's YouTube, there's cookbooks, there's social media cooks.

Candi Lewis (45:53)
There's things that you could learn starting off. If you could learn how to put makeup and a wig on, you can learn how to cook. You could learn how to clean. There's mad cleaning videos. There's things that I'm learning brand new with how the world is changing so fast. So there's things that you can learn. There are tools, domestic things. The same way the man has to come in knowing how to screw screws in and tighten up doors and hinges and all the things. And he should be able to do it without being asked.

Candi Lewis (46:22)
It's the same thing for the woman. We need to know what to do in the home. There's domestic skills. There are girls going in marriages that don't, or women going in marriages that don't even know how to sew a button on a shirt. You're to tell the man, throw away the whole shirt because you can't put a button on. You can't sew a button back on. So it's like basic things. You just want to notice it's a benefit for your household, for yourself, for your partner, for what you're building to know these skills as a man and as a woman.

Candi Lewis (46:50)
take the time to learn those things ahead of time. Some people might not ever have to tap into it, but knowledge is power. It's better that you know and be like, I know, but I choose not to do it in a way because I can pay for someone to do it. Then that's cool. you have that resource, cool, but you should know. It shouldn't be in a position where your family's ever in a situation where either, from either person.

Candi Lewis (47:18)
They should be coming to you and they can't because you just don't know. And now you have to outsource somebody else, but it's better for you to know and then choose to outsource as opposed to you to be completely oblivious for what's necessary in the household as a resource. Right? So I feel like just take the time to grow, to learn and develop as much as you can. Take that process. There are books out there. There is the amount of self help books they have outside today.

Candi Lewis (47:47)
is like never before. These things did not exist when I was in my 20s and teens and growing up. I never saw these books. There are more self-help books right now like never before. So find them, read them, study, look at videos, get help, go to, you know, men's workshops, women's workshops, women communities. Do what you need to do to be well prepared, just like you would prepare for everything else. You prepare from

Candi Lewis (48:16)
kindergarten all the way to high school to go to college, right? Learning the steps that you need to take. It's the same thing. You learn as you grow. You're independent. Cool. But there's still other things that you can add to the roster. And this is to have a skill is an awesome thing today. All these things will take you through a lifetime. It's something, whether you need it for a marriage or not, is great to know. And it's something that you can teach your children. You can teach other people once you learn it. So take the time. Just don't be lazy.

Damian Lewis (48:48)
I just got one quick question. That you just spoke about the independence in a in a woman, right?

Candi Lewis (48:49)
Okay. Okay.

Damian Lewis (48:52)
and I I I just wanna touch on this before we before

Candi Lewis (48:56)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (48:57)
before we move on. that independence that you just

Candi Lewis (49:00)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (49:00)
spoke about in a woman.

Damian Lewis (49:04)
When should she let that go?

Candi Lewis (49:07)
Well, independent contractors are exactly that. I think from the moment you decide to take someone serious and give them your time, I think...

Candi Lewis (49:23)
in a way that they show you commitment and you make a decision within your mind that you're going to be committed to this person. And this is from a relationship thing. And I'm not telling you, hey, if you're in a position where you know that even in the relationship part of your status, right, that this person is someone that you potentially want to marry, I feel like that is a good point because you need to know.

Candi Lewis (49:51)
You need to know if this person is a candidate. I would never tell you give this to every guy who shows themselves seriously. Absolutely not. But you will know the difference between them and it's good to pray for the sermon.

Damian Lewis (50:05)
Give

Damian Lewis (50:05)
an example of that, because y you're on

Candi Lewis (50:07)
Mm-hmm.

Damian Lewis (50:07)
the surface level of it. What when you say g give them an opportunity you pretty much were saying give them an opportunity to prove themselves.

Candi Lewis (50:13)
Okay.

Damian Lewis (50:14)
give the man an opportunity to prove himself, what does that look like?

Candi Lewis (50:17)
Okay, so you see someone that is, hey, Candice, I wanna help you out with something. They realize that your tire is flat, but you live right around the corner from a place that you could get your tire changed and you could pay for it. Now, if this man is capable to fix your tire, him. Let him fix your tire.

Candi Lewis (50:39)
Let him prove himself that he can do the things necessary to take care of you. That's an example. Like give him an opportunity to show his strength to flex his muscles and for you to get to a place where you now learn to put your guard down because you know you can call on him and he will answer. He will come to save you even if he doesn't know. He might try to figure that thing out and then be like, right, you know what?

Candi Lewis (51:01)
that's you're gonna have to push the car or get the car over to the tire shop, right? But he has to show that he can show up. And that ultimately for that mental space in your mind for you to learn like I can pull my guard down, now shows him in a way that he can show that he can prove himself. So it can work for both of you guys hand in hand with the things necessary.

Candi Lewis (51:25)
that y'all will need to come to a better decision on each other, right? Without you just thinking of resolving everything on your own.

Damian Lewis (51:35)
So based on what you were just saying, the woman

Damian Lewis (51:42)
To let go of that independence should actually put herself, even in the beginning, at a state of vulnerability, to give this, give the man an opportunity to prove himself. Meaning she has to come down off that independence. Even if she can do whatever this task is, she should put herself in a position to come down off of it, to give this man an opportunity to prove himself. And this way she can know if.

Damian Lewis (52:12)
She is able to let go of her independence because now she has a warrior working for her. Is that is that what you were saying?

Candi Lewis (52:20)
Absolutely.

Candi Lewis (52:21)
Yes. I think we all kind of silently puts ourselves, or people through tests throughout our life, right? With anything. And I think that will be that opportunity for you to, you know, test. Test it to see how test them to see how strong he is. Text test him to see how his tictuative is, you know, his commitment, his devotion. And I think that's fine because it gets you to a place where you can lower your guard.

Candi Lewis (52:48)
And you can give up the level of trying to stay in survival mode and be in the independent and now be dependent on someone else who is going to be that provider and protector for your household and what you're building. So it does a it the goal is to get that, you know, those results ahead of time so you could kinda gauge now, okay, now this is how we're gonna move towards our foundation. This is what we're gonna be building.

Candi Lewis (53:15)
In our household. I see his strengths, I see his weaknesses. We can work together because now you see the level of what you're working with ahead of time.

Damian Lewis (53:27)
I could tell you right now, I am glad, glad to have a woman that that releases that independence and allows me to work work in my my area of productivity. I I you know I'm a producer, meaning that I c I I produce reduc results and and and being able you allow me to do these things is one of the

Damian Lewis (53:54)
the best things that that that you can ever do for the marriage. And I believe that most men do want to be in a place of service to their woman, want to be able to do certain certain things for her. Because in in the essence, like, if you can do everything for yourself, like what do you need me for? That's what some men would would would would would would agree with

Candi Lewis (54:10)
Okay. Yeah.

Damian Lewis (54:13)
that. and it puts you in a sense of, you know, in in your femininity and we want to be the, you know

Damian Lewis (54:22)
We wanna be in our masculine energy too, w where we are able

Candi Lewis (54:25)
Of course.

Damian Lewis (54:25)
to do things for our lady. And

Candi Lewis (54:28)
Of course.

Damian Lewis (54:29)
I think that is a a very, very, very

Damian Lewis (54:36)
direct and important part of being a good woman and a good wife.

Damian Lewis (54:44)
Where we are right now in in this situation of good woman and good wife, I believe that what we've spoken about here will give some type of clarity to the people that that are listening, to the men and women that are listening, and may be able to give them a a a different perspective on how to look at things, especially that Wednesday system. and I'm glad that me and you were able to share this moment and listen.

Damian Lewis (55:13)
For the people that are listening, yeah, for the people that are listening right now, if they loved what you were saying and wanted to get in contact with you through social media or or anything like that, where can they find you on social media?

Candi Lewis (55:28)
Okay, so I have YouTube, your glory rich. I'm also available on Stan Store under the same name that's Yah Glory, Y A H G L O R Y, R I C H. It's available on all platforms Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Stan Store, and YouTube. You'll be able to find me.

Damian Lewis (55:52)
There you have it. There you have it. I want to give thanks to my wife for coming on the show today. And thank you guys for listening. And we'll see you next time.

Candi Lewis (56:01)
Take care. Bye.