Ep 10: Ebb and Flow Reverie| Love and DeepTalk: a Love and Deepspace Podcast

Hello, Hunters! Welcome to my emotional destruction! Haha! Okay, but for real, Ebb and Flow really destroyed me, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I got so hooked on this game: the capabilities for introspection with LADs is actually WILD.
I hope you enjoy this episode and leave some fan mail so I know I'm not crying out into the void (or into Deepspace, if you will, keke).
Have a great timezone and happy hunting!

Catch me on Twitch at streamikitti and say hiiii!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Hello, hello everyone. It is Kat, otherwise known as your favorite host and hunter. Um hi. So welcome to a new episode of Love and Deep Talk. Hopefully you've been enjoying the podcast thus far. And I mean you have to be because you're listening, because if you don't enjoy it, why would you be back here? Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

But uh yeah, so two things. So um I guess before I start like the actual episode, I'm pretty sure that I forgot to talk about um Xavier's five stars in like the kind of memory catch up. Because I was trying so hard not to make that episode like 600 hours long, and that is just not a talent of mine, as I'm sure you all are aware of by now. I'm the kind of person where it's like uh you you do the dishes, you get some laundry done, you know, some of the stuff that you've been kind of putting off to the side. This is a great time to do it, and uh and also open up your game, do your dailies, get your weeklies done, uh, fix up your house, maybe decorate a little bit, you know, get some of that stuff done, do some gardening, hybridization. Um, I'm that type of person. That's what I'm great for. I'm here to remind you to do that stuff and give you the time to do it. But um, yeah, so first I'll go through um Xavier's memories just really fast. I'm just gonna tell you the ones that I have done. Um, and right now, while I am recording this, we are on Throne of Eros, that event. So um the kind of like second anniversary event, so that you can kind of like be like, oh, okay. Like any memories that come out later with Xavier, it's like, alright, obviously you didn't do them because you they don't exist yet at this point in time. So anyway, I'm gonna quickly go through those and then I'll go into what this episode actually is about. Um, yeah, because this is just too short to make it its own little thing. So just letting you know. I guess I could make it separate. I don't feel like it. I'm lazy. Anyway. But so I'm gonna leave you to uh think about what this episode might be about. It's gonna be a painful one for me, let me tell you. Anyway, alright, so um on to Xavier. So the memories that I don't have of him, these are all like five stars or memoria, would be Heart String Symphony, have watched that though. Romantic Afternoon, have not watched that. Silvery Polyphony, and I am so upset that I did not pull for this. That was stupid of me. I have seen it, it is very, very good. Feverish attempts and cool splash soak. I really wanted cool splash soak. Oh my god, I wanted it so bad, but I couldn't get it at the time. Uh man, I'm waiting on that rerun. If they ever do like multi-reruns, we'll see how that goes. Um, anyway, so the ones that I have done, so Fire Lit Embrace is his recent promise. So recent memoria. I did that one so good. I really enjoyed it. It was so cute. Uh unique aftertaste, so cute. Uh Precious Bonfire, so good. Fluffy Trap, so good. Uh I did Tender Knight. I just haven't like run through it on my phone, so it doesn't have 100% next to it. Faint Sensations, love dead when did that a couple times. No restraint was crazy. That's a great one. Um Fluve Attack, so good. Oh my god, the ending fucked me up. It was so good. Uh Starfall Sanctuary. I actually have not done that one. What I did was I had the memory play so I could get the wedding dress. I did like the same thing for Zane's, I think, but I let the memory play so I could get the wedding dress and the hair and stuff like that, simply because like since I have friends who, you know, like M loves Xavier and then Lexi loves Zane, so I'm like, I can't watch these without them or until they allow me to watch it. Like they have to watch this first, and then I can watch it, which is so silly. So I've seen like Caleb and Raphael's. Um, I still have to watch that as this as well. But um anyway, yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm I know I did like talk about his four stars and stuff, but then like it was funny because like a little while after I recorded, and when I say a little while, I mean like like a week or two after I recorded or something, I was like, oh shit. So anyway, that's your update. So see, four minutes, almost five minutes. It it was not gonna be worth doing it as a little separate thing. So, what this episode is actually about, oh my god, it's gonna kill me. Oh my goodness, is uh Raphael's Ebb and Flow. So I'm going to call this episode something like Reminisce and Reveries because it has been a while since I have actually watched Ebb and Flow again. Um this memory kind of fucked me up. So low-key. So uh it's sometimes a little painful to revisit, which explains why I haven't gone back and watched it again. And I watched it like in the beginning, like three times. I will tell you my story. Um, but yeah, so we're gonna get into it. It's gonna get very personal for me, just letting you know you get to learn a lot about me. Um yeah, so basically, I so this is uh back when like I first started playing the game. And it's so funny because silly little me, I do have a little like Raphael journal, mostly because of like how his memories can like really like mess me up. So I'm like, um like I'm like okay, I need to have like something where I can like write my thoughts down, especially when like one of his memories happen and it really like messes me up because obviously there's something going on there, so I need to like you know parse it out and stuff like that. I feel like whenever I start going back to therapy, I'm just gonna hand the therapist this journal and be like, this is everything you need to know about me. So I'm just gonna be like, play Love of Deus Face, play Raphael's memories, and there you go. So it's so funny because it's like I went back to kind of like get together the timeline of like this memory. Like, I'm telling you, it was like a good like week about like this journey with this memory, like a week or two or something. And um, like dating back to April, like literally a couple days before my birthday in 2024. That's so crazy. I just I can't believe the game's been out that long, but anyway. So in the very beginning, you know, like me obsessing with Raphael, da da da da da. And um I really wanted to get Evan Flow. Nightly Stroll was such a good um affinity-based memory. I forget what level we get that at that at maybe 20. Um, I forget it's been so long, but um Ebonflow was at 55, so you could tell how badly I wanted it because I still remember what level we get it at. And um I like remember telling M and Lexi um before we had our own little like private love and deep space server, uh, because that's been like a little more recent. This was just in like our group chat kind of thing. And I was like, oh my gosh, I need this memory so badly, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And one of the reasons is because on YouTube I had accidentally like I I typically try to avoid spoilers as much as I can because I'm very anti-spoiler for me. Like if other people want spoilers, okay, cool, that's your journey. But for me, it's like if I get spoilers, it just totally and completely like my brain will run with it. So I will just come up with all kinds of just like theories or like connections or expectations, especially like stuff like that, right? So I try to avoid spoilers as much as possible for basically anything that I'm like really serious about. So that would be like anything Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, and Love of Deep Space, and then like particular movies and stuff. Like, if if you want me to watch something or experience something, you cannot give me any sort of spoilers. You literally, you just have to be like, it's really good. I think you'll like it. This is kind of sort of the vibe it has. Please watch it. That is the most you can give me. Because if you give me anything beyond that, I probably will not will not engage. Um, it's really crazy. So anyway, um, so I had accidentally seen uh this video and it was titled Evan Flow a Merman in Heat. And like that sounds like super sexual, don't you think? So that's at least where my brain went. I was like, what the hell? So, and like at that point, I knew something was up with Raphael. I don't think I knew um that he was like a merman or like Lemurian or anything at that point. I don't think I knew that stuff yet. Um, but I knew something was up because, like, for example, in the cafe, his one line about like um oh, just sitting in front of our phones, just staring at the screens. This is how humans socialize nowadays. And I was like, humans. I'm like, you wouldn't say that unless you're not human, you know what I mean? And I have employed this strategy in Dungeons and Dragons with my little changeling who she does that kind of thing all the time. So, and she's a changeling, she's hey. So I'm like, yeah, she says that because she's not human and she's just a silly little girl. So, um, yeah, so that really caught my attention. So I knew something was up. So then when I saw the merman thing, I was like, okay, interesting. I knew it was something, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't at chapter eight or uh chapter seven at this point. Um, I don't remember, but I think because of the whole fishy thing, I very heavily suspected something. So, um, and like you know, the whole like ocean and blah blah blah. So I was like putting the dots together. Um but anyway, so I had gone into Ebonflow expecting it to be very spicy, right? It's not, spoiler alert. So it was funny because when I got Ebonflow, I was so excited. I was like, oh my god, here we go, here we go. And like the memory threw me for a loop because it is not like really spicy at all. And like what's really interesting is at least like this is how I interpret it, is MC, like certain of the things that like Raphael was saying, like, for example, and again, I have not watched the memory in a while. This is just straight from memory, because I would like to do a part two where like after I watch it again and be like with like all the knowledge that I have now, so that I can be like, whoa. But um, this is just what I remember from the time. So, like stuff about him saying that like um humans would keep like Lemurians in cages, and like um they would sell the pearls that they would cry, and like um MC was saying stuff like it was so interesting because like with the tone that she was saying it, it was almost like she thought that they were like engaging in some kind of like kinky role player, right? Where she's like, Oh yeah, like I'll keep you in a cage and you're this amazing artist, and so I can just make you produce art for me, basically. Because what was so interesting is when he like got upset that she said that she immediately backed off, which bless, good job, MC. But she like was confused because she was like, wait, huh? And so it was so like interesting, and again, like I was just like it was so funny because it was almost like I was MC and I was like just as confused because I expected to come in to come into like a particular type of memory, and that just did not happen. Um yeah, so what was so wild is like it really bothered me that like and so initially I didn't like the memory. I didn't like Evanflow. And I was so I was so upset because I was like I was like, why do I not like this? Like this is so it's so unlike me to not like a Raphael memory, right? Like up until that point, I had loved like all of his five stars and all of his um all of his four stars and I believe I did some of his ASMR um memories. So looking back on it now, it's just very uh like I don't know, just I keep using the word interesting, like intriguing, there we go, the freaking synonym, but it's very like intriguing why I didn't like that memory, right? And I just couldn't understand it at the time. I was so confused, right? And I like I had to sit with it, which like I don't typically do. That's kind of unlike me. I'm very like go go go and like I just want to eat up a story and like theory craft and like have fun and like maybe like go back and look at certain things to like see if I'm like on the mark about something or if I miss something, you know what I mean? Like to gather evidence, whatever. I kind of like to put the the pieces of a puzzle together, but I'm not the type of person to kind of just sit and like I don't know and just sit with something. I just I like that is not a skill that I employ a lot, and so it was very unlike me to a not like this wrap my own memory, but b to have this like honestly eating away at me. It was eating away at me for I think like at least two days, where it's all I could think about. Like, I mean, at work I'm just like, why do I not like this memory? And like just anytime I try to do something, any kind of free space that I had in my brain was just taken up by this until finally I like sat down and was like, Okay, what exactly do I not like about this memory, and why exactly do I not like that? And then that's when I kind of came like came to the conclusion that I was like, okay, my expectations were completely different, and I was just very shocked, right? So then I was like, all right, I need to go into this memory with like a uh like cleansed palette and no expectations. I like I watched it once, I have like a little bit of an idea, I need to watch it again and actually like take in the words, take in everything that's going on, and like really like let this memory like flow and like haha and flow. Didn't even catch that and like you know give it the space to breathe and do what it needs to do. And what was hilarious is that literally after that, I um I oh wait, I actually have dates. Okay, so I got the memory on March 19th, 2024, which is literally one month after I started playing the game. So I got this memory pretty quickly, I feel like, which is kind of funny. I mean, granted, I was just hauling ass on this game. Um, and yeah, so it it wasn't until April 11th that I was like, oh my god, I finally get it. Like it was actually a lot longer than I thought. It was like two weeks, holy shit. But I just I just remember the feeling of it tearing away at me. Um so yeah, like um I watched it again, I think, and then I was kind of like coming around to it, but I was still like, oh, like it feels like there's so like something that I'm missing. And then I finally watched, it took me a bit to watch um The Miss and remember uh God of tides was out at this point, um, because they ran that event like during like it fell on my birthday, so uh, I forget what day I think it was like the very end of March or something that they started it, and then it ended I think a couple days after my birthday or something. But so I had the companion at this time, and I there was one day I was up until like three or four in the morning because I had started I did the God of Tides myth first because I was just so excited for it before I did Abysswalker. Crazy, I know. But I'm actually kind of happy that I did it that way. Maybe I'll explain that later. We'll see. If not, I'll definitely talk about it in another episode. Um so I did that one first, and then I was like so hungry for more that I leveled up like power-leveled Abysswalker and did that whole story immediately after. And then I went back and watched Evan Flow because I was like, oh my gosh, I feel like these were the missing pieces of the puzzle, which makes sense because the myths are very much like that for the five stars, the four stars, the literally everything in this game, right? So I went back and I watched Evan Flow, and I was like, holy fucking shit, it all makes sense, and then what was wild was I again had to sit with it and like really take in everything, and I was like honestly floored. So like a couple things happened because like first of all, I was like, oh holy shit, like A, the myths are like super important, they recontextualize everything, but it's so cool how there's so many like hidden meanings like in the dialogue of the game and everything, right? Sorry, I have the journal with me, so if you hear pages, no you didn't. Um but yeah, so uh that was wild. And then of course, a like getting to know Raphael Moore, his horrifically tragic story. But uh the uh really wild thing about like ebb and flow and also about uh love and deep space in general, which this is where it gets into more of the personal stuff, which is why I'm probably so crazy attached to this game, is like I did not realize that there were a lot of like childhood memories like locked away until I watched Ebb and Flow and like sat with it, which was very shocking because again they were like a ton of memor memories that were like like put in a box, chains around them, locked up, hidden in a deep dark corner, where my brain was like never think about these, so it's nothing like super terrible, so like you know, no crazy comdat warning. So just so y'all know and we'll be okay. Do not worry, you're in safe hands. So um yeah, so in like ebb and flow, what was so uh like really, really like neat and like just so cool to me is a like one of the things like that memory to me like really solidified and showed um that the writers, at least in my mind, um are not just concerned with writing characters, they're very concerned with like basically making like these guys, especially Raphael, because again in context of Evan Flow, like actual people, which is wild in terms of like they definitely have their flaws, they definitely like have their mistrust issues, like all kinds of stuff, and like again, well written characters are written to be. Very much like people, like they're written to be flawed, and having to deal with those flaws, and having to learn their own lessons and stuff like that, and like a lot of characters are based off of like people within that writer's life, or the writer themselves, and like the many sides of that writer, and Raphael's like story, and then especially like attitude, the stuff that he talks about in Ebb and Flow, and and then also knowing like some of his like backstory and his lore, just really really feels like the writer is potentially from like a maybe first or possibly second generation like migrant family, and it just when I connected that because of a lot of the like fear of the like loss of culture and you know Raphael coming from Lemuria, this like culture like within the deep depths of the ocean, to then coming to Lincoln or because of he's also been in many of his but him basically coming to land and being like this kind of not only like culture shock but like the sense of just a loss and b not belonging anywhere, like not fully belonging anywhere, like wanting to be a part of the land, but like constantly being called back towards the sea, and also like missing LaMuria, like it's so sad because I definitely get the sense from Raphael that like like he loves La Muria, he loves his culture and everything, and he really does want to share it with MC, and there's been like a couple memories and like events, and all these tear me up whenever he speaks like Lemurian, and then MC wanting to kind of learn some words in Lemurian and things like that, and I'm like, oh my god, it just it messes me up so much, and I'll get into into why it's like kind of like a little deep dive into my life, so again, very personal and very vulnerable, maybe, but you know, that's what we're here for, right? This is love and deep pain today. So love and deep cat personal pain. So, um, yeah, it's a a lot of those themes, and it's just it like a it broke my heart, uh, and B, that's when the memory started unlocking, and I was not ready for it, and it actually it messed me up for like a while too. It I think there was like a good week, like at least three days to a week afterwards, where I was like, I literally don't feel like I'm the same person anymore, or it's like it feels like there was like such a giant part of me that was just locked away, and now I just found it again and I don't know what to do with it, kind of thing. It's so crazy. So, anyway, we'll get into the like personal, like like backstory stuff so that this makes way more sense. And who knows, maybe some of you will relate to this, maybe some of you won't, maybe some of you find this interesting, maybe some of you don't. Who knows? Who cares? This is my podcast, my episode. So, anyway, um, very I guess like uh TLDR-ish on me is like so my dad is a first generation migrant from England, and so a lot of my family is from Manchester, and then some of them lived in like Blackpool, um, and then uh farther up north as well. And I have like other family members kind of scattered across like Europe and then Australia and stuff, but um, and my mom is from America, um, and like my dad and my mom met while he was in the British Navy, and he uh was docked um like in her kind of like home town, basically. It was like it was basically like the closest city next to her town, literally like 10 minutes away. So and like you know, that's how they met and blah blah blah. Um but oh man. So where it becomes like really rough in regards with like Raphael and Ebb and Flow is I these are a lot of the memories that were locked away. So like as a kid, um a little a little young cat, a little kitten, if you will, um do you hear me trying to avoid the emotional pain? So um as like a kid, I remember my dad being so like excited about like his like culture and stuff like that. Um like he always wanted to like teach us like different kind of like idioms from England, and we would watch a lot of like British TV shows like and movies, like we would constantly watch like Top Gear and Mr. Bean and oh god, I believe it's called Lovelace and Faulty Towers, Monty Python, like literally any kind of like British anything we could get our hands on, like when BBC was on cable. Um I'm 30 years old by the way, I'm in that era, so like when BBC was on cable, like I remember like him being so excited because he's like, Oh my god, we can all watch this together, and we got so excited because we were like, Oh my god, yes, and because like to us it felt like part of us, right? And like we would go to England sometimes, we couldn't go all the time, but we would go to England sometimes, and I remember like just having so much fun in England and us like trying all these different foods, and like my dad being like, This is where I used to go as like a kid, and like this is what we used to do, and um like we kind of celebrated a bastardized version of like Guy Fawkes Day, like our Christmases, like we tried to make as like British as possible with like the Christmas crackers and blah blah blah, like a lot of stuff that he used to do as like a kid too. Um, and like I remember like he used to teach me how to play cricket, like we got like a cricket set, and we had to wait forever for it to like come in. I think we got it off of like eBay or something, so we had to wait like a month or something for it to come in. Um, but then we would play cricket in the front yard, and yeah, just like us like just wanting like a lot of like Union Jack stuff and like minis, just oh my god, the amount of times we watched Italian job was ridiculous. Um, but yeah, so it was like a lot of stuff like that. We constantly had like uh British teas, different British teas digestives were a must. Like, I mean, we it was very much like the kind of like we pack up like a ton of stuff to send to England and we get back a ton of stuff from England, right? Like that whole kind of like um like family culture swapping and whatnot. Um and then of course, like not really being able to see like such a big portion of your family, like because they're overseas and in a totally different country, that kind of thing. And then whenever we like went on trips, it was very much like you have that suitcase, that one suitcase that's just packed full to the brim of like all the like the candies that you could possibly take, any of the kind of stuff where it's like, okay, you can get this in America, but you can't get this in England because then you take it to your family over there, and then when you come back, you packed up all of the stuff that they gave you and that you get from England that you can't get from over here. Like, I remember like buying like a ton of like books over in England because I was like, Oh my gosh, like you know, like I never uh we didn't really get to go there a whole lot and stuff like that. And like I remember being like this is a little bit more recent, but being like really sad about not being able to explore like his city mostly because we kind of stayed very local to like where his like childhood home uh was and stuff. Um, but yeah, so anyway, where it starts kind of getting darker and gets more into the ebb and flow thing, and this is where it really fucked me up and really fucked me up with like Raphael and stuff like that, is uh you y'all get a little bit of family tea too, which is pretty fun. Um, for anyone, well, maybe many of you don't know, but I'm like distant with the parents very much. But um, but anyway, so what really sucked is like during that entire time we're like, you know, my uh like sisters and I are you know trying to be like very involved with like half of us, you know, um, especially like we would try to find like British foods, and at the time it was super uncommon. And I remember we had to make like a fake ass shepherd's pie because there was no lamb, we only really had access to ground beef, and then um when uh like Wegmans opened up near us, and I remembered there was one small ass shelf that had like the arrow chocolate candies and um oh my god it's called like Vimno, Vim, but it's this like really concentrated like grape juice, and it was so good, we were obsessed with it, and then like when clotted cream finally came around, oh my god, like just stuff like that. Like, and mind you, this was like a couple things that they had. They had one little small ass shelf full of stuff, and we were like so excited because we were like, oh my gosh, we like they have British stuff, like we feel like they see us kind of thing, and like here's the thing too, is that like my family is white, so my kind of like migrant, like first generation migrant family experience is gonna be very, very different, and I'm not here to speak on everyone's experiences at all. There's just like some things where it's like I feel like people can relate to, because especially when I worked at um a nail salon for like four years, and uh the populace, like the working populace there was predominantly Vietnamese and like all Asian, but predominantly Vietnamese. Um one person from China, one person from the Philippines, one person from Nepal, and then me. And but it was funny because like I with with working with them, this kind of started almost somewhat like unlocking some of these like memories of like um kind of like the whole like finding how hard it was to find foods and like having sometimes to travel like really far. Like, I remember we had to travel so far to find like this one one place that was like 35 minutes away from us, 35 to 40 minutes away from us, that sold fish and chips, and like and actually did it well. Like, and my dad was like, Oh my gosh, this takes me back to my childhood. Do you know how many times we would go there in a month? But um, so it and and like that guy he had traveled to like England, I believe, and he like loved like England so much, and like he really wanted to know how to do like really like like good good lip smacking good fish and chips, and yeah, and my dad was obsessed, and we would go there all the time, all the time, um, because he was just so excited and it was like so good to see, but um especially because like he definitely missed England and which you know was also very hard to see, and that's gonna come in with Raphael surprise, but um yeah, so it it became like really difficult because there and then this is where it gets hard, like because it became something where it was like my mom who is from America and stuff like that, um, really got into this kind of like uh you live in America, you need to give up on England, like you're like Americanized now, like so she like basically banned like us from watching any kind of British shows and stuff like that, or she would like heavily degrade it and be like, it doesn't make any sense, it's not funny, like uh you shouldn't be watching this, you're wasting your time, stuff like that. And like, granted, like we were like young, you know, and I remember like kind of being like, What the heck? Like, like why are you saying this stuff? And then um, yeah, it got it got really bad, like as the years kind of progressed to the point where it was like all of our stuff disappeared, like all any kind of like thing that was like over British, like completely disappeared. Um, and like she basically forced my dad to give up his British citizenship and uh get a US citizenship, um, which is crazy. Um and like with a British citizenship, for anyone who doesn't know, as long as this is still the case, and I'm pretty sure it is, once you give it up, you can't give it you can't get it back because it's a birthright. Um yeah, so that was a really wild play on her part. Um but yeah, so it really sucked because there was like this whole unraveling of like identity in terms of like who my dad like was and who he thought he was and could be and is. And it just like oh my god, like as I was watching Evan Flow, like it just felt like everything was kind of with like my life was like put in perspective and just damn like what it feels like, and again, like I am not here to speak on like everyone's like migrant experience, like uh there's definitely the case of like if you are like British, you're kind of like the acceptable migrant, you know what I mean? Like people are like, oh ha ha, say skills, like you know what I mean, um, versus like um the experience of like the nail techs, um, where they frequently like were scared when they cooked their food because they were afraid of their neighbors uh like saying something to them and like getting into fights with them because their food quote unquote like smells too strong or quote unquote doesn't smell good or anything like that. And by the way, Vietnamese food smacks so hard. Oh my god, that but that place has the best food, like, and I can say that I went to Vietnam two and a half weeks and I did not want to come back, like I did not and when I say come back, I meant to America. I wanted to stay in Vietnam, but but anyway, so um, yeah, so it's a it's a very different experience, but like um, I guess in my like small pocket of like my life and being like young and that kind of like the kind of I guess like ecosystem that was going on in like my house and stuff like that was very much like um you don't get to have that identity, like you don't you don't get to have you don't get to explore like a different country, and that happened too in terms of like not even countries that like me and my siblings were like um like in terms of like born into you know like we're born into a British culture kind of thing, um whereas like we weren't born into like a South Korean culture, and I I just say that because I like K-pop or Japanese culture, and I say that because I like anime, and those were things that I was into like when I was young too, like anime first, k-pop later. Um but yeah, so there was even like that attitude with like that kind of stuff. Um that it that's a whole different story, but anyway, so like I was saying, it's like um very much in ebb and flow, like with Raphael, there's like this whole like sense of like loss of like partially like who you are, who you could be, what you can and can explore, how things can and cannot influence you, and it's just so weird to think about like what was like taken away, you know, and like how hard it is to get it back, and it really sucked because it was like this entire like like chasm between us siblings and my dad because like that's how we us two groups like connected with each other. We connected with each other because he wanted to share his culture with us, and now he couldn't do that, so now what's left, you know what I mean, and it really sucks because it's like in Ebb and Flow. God, it just hurts in Ebb and Flow. It was like as I was reading it and like really thinking about it, I was like, oh my god, like I have seen what this becomes, like in my life, so it was like very not scary, but like whoa, like just kind of uh not jarring, I wouldn't say, but like surprising, almost surreal. I think surreal is the right word, of like um the game kind of becoming not a game, you know what I mean? We're not here to play games anymore, but it just the game feeling really real, and also mostly the game just like like you know how they have the memories in the game. Well, I was like, god damn, why are you unlocking my memories? Aren't I supposed to be unlocking his? But yeah, so it was it was super like surreal in terms of being like I have literally seen how this plays out, you know, and it's awful, it's terrible. No one wins, no one wins, and it like I don't know, it just like messed with my brain because it was like it was almost like Raphael is in like the same kind of situation as like my dad was in, where it's like we're at like this crossroads where your culture and your way of life can be taken away from you because of your partner, right? And like I remember growing up with that and like seeing that in real time and always like telling myself and like being very conscious of like I never want to do that to someone, right? Like ever, and so like with Raphael, I guess that's why when it especially when it comes to like a lot of the Lemurian stuff or like him talking about Lemuria and like him using the language and stuff like that. I'm like I would never ever fucking take that away from you. Oh my god, and then it's like so. Then when like a lot of his stuff, like this is outside of Inflow, this comes kind of like later on, all the stuff with like his bond, and oh my gosh. like land of secret flames which I just very recently watched and cried too excellent um him like almost like trying to get the MC to use the bond like against him or to erase certain parts of him and I just oh my god it just gives me like flashbacks to my dad and I just I'm like oh my god like again I have seen what taking someone's culture even if it's like not like the most like crazy culture or whatever it's not the most in-depth culture whatever it's still like his childhood and experience and his like way of life you know what I mean we still gotta give him that but like I just I've seen this and it just oh my god it's uh it's really hard like oh my gosh so then like watching Evan flow and like these memories unlocking and I was like oh my god I forgot about all of this and like what happened like I'm like I forgot about like us being really excited to find that food I forgot about like how just like happy my dad was to like that when my sister like tried her best to make my older sister tried her best to make shepherd's pie but like we didn't have all of the ingredients but he was still really excited like damn it just sucked that it just all got like taken away like ooh yeah sorry it's like that's why I'm saying like this is like this is where I'm like love in deep space is a little bit more than just a game and that's why I really think that like the writer for Raphael or at least who did Ebb and Flow because I'm not sure how they're like their like writing teams are structured or anything like that. I don't know I can only like theorize about that and honestly I haven't looked into it because I'm just like keep the magic there I guess I don't know but whoever wrote Ebb and Flow or is writing Raphael I am just so curious if they are first or like second generation you know what I mean like what have they seen like have they seen like the same thing and it just god it makes me so sad and like I'm really happy that like in a lot of the memories like MC like whenever Raphael wants like I was kind of saying before like whenever he wants to speak Lemurian like she's very curious and wants to know and like it seems like she's very like accepting of everything but I feel so bad for her too because of her being scared of him wanting to return to the ocean because in Wisteria waltz and in um land of secret flame so like seething flame I believe the actual five star memory is called Seething Flame um so like she has this fear of him leaving her and like maybe choosing Lemaria or like fully going back to it or like something like that and like dang that's just it's just crazy and it's like I do kind of see my mom and some in that kind of stuff but like but so then when it comes to the bond and it's like oh well you can order me to stay here I'm like no like literally I have seen this happen in real life please do not do this and like with Raphael I can never choose those options like in land of secret flame when it's like he says that you can use the bond to make him kind of like forget the grudge that he kind of has this like small uh I don't know if I would call it small actually I'll just call it a grudge but um about like you not upholding like your promise and literally like I I can't choose that option I always choose the like no I'm not gonna use the bond like this because again a I have seen this in real fucking time and it is such a slippery slope and I I could never imagine doing that to someone because I know exactly what it takes away like not only does it take away from like the main person so like in this case it would be Raphael but it takes away from everyone around you oh my god it's just yeah so like Ebb and Flow it definitely holds a special place in my heart and like it just it's just so weird that like my brain I guess in order to like protect me or something really locked all of those memories away it wasn't until Ebb and Flow like again like working at the like nail salon was when I was like some of the stuff that they were saying I was like wait a minute we did that too you know and it was so weird because it was almost like I completely locked away the fact that like my dad is British and like it it just kind of became like a oh yeah my dad's British I guess instead of like a oh no like we're like a a British American family because that's what it was like and what it really felt like when I was a kid but then it just became no we're just an American family and it was like almost like I forgot that I was even British in the first place. And it was so weird because I was like wait I used to do all this stuff and I used to love it. And like I used to want to like really live in like England and like still do but like it was more like it felt like it was more possible versus just like a pipe dream or something and like it felt like I belong there or like I really should go there. And again like when I went to England you know we were like my sisters and I we were raised in America so like you know we really stood out over there right we technically would probably fit more into like an American group but like it didn't feel like we were unwelcomed which is nice which again is probably a different experience compared to maybe other migrant families which is why I'm like my experience is not going to be the same but like I don't know it was just it was just so wild to just be like all of this was just kind of like hidden away because I had to hide it away because I still had to deal with all of the people who did all of these things like I just wow but yeah so then again when I watched Evan Flow and all of this was just coming back up I was like wait wait wait like you know what I mean I was like wait a minute I no no so yeah I just wow and again I think that's why like with Raphael like like when I say that like he's like my number one I'm like like it is like leagues and pounds like and I love all of the other guys I love all the other guys I will die on any and every hill for all of them trust me but it's and like I feel like the other guys do this too with like some other people and there are some things with like you know Xavier Zane Caleb Silas where I'm like oh yeah I can like really relate to that but with Raphael it was just a different level because it was like not only can I relate to it but you as in you as in Raphael have actually like made me remember things that like like and literally an entire part of my identity that was just locked away somewhere it was just wild it almost felt like uh I was ascending to the sea god or something like that you know what I mean kind of like how that's like a little a little part of like Raphael's identity anyway but yeah anyway thanks for coming on this journey with me I it's a lot this is a heavier episode at least for me it is um because of like it has to deal with a lot of like personal stuff and me being like holy shit like I see my literally my life in this episode or in this memory sorry but like um just again just it's it's really I don't know maybe scary is like I think it's very alarming I would say to to be like you think you're co going into like a memory just being like oh okay like this is gonna be spicy and then it's not and then you're like wait a minute and then you go down this rabbit hole and then all of a sudden you've completely unlocked memories that were like totally like hidden from you for a while and then like and it was nice like it needed to happen because then after that I was like oh my god like no like I would like to reclaim this kind of thing right um so let's see if I can get my dual citizenship let's go but um yeah I it was just wild like yeah so it was it was a very very crazy der journey with Eb and Flow and I you know I don't know how other people feel about Eb and Flow because the only people who I've really like talked to about that memory is like M and Lexi and it's I think it was like mostly like at the time them listening to me on like what I was like talking about it but like very nicely them being like oh wow yeah that's wild like kind of thing but it's not like it's like I've met someone else who's had the like the same experience with like this memory in particular where I can be like am I the crazy one like do you know what I mean but yeah I just it's it's one of like it is one of the memories that I probably hold like closest to me. There's also a couple others but it's definitely one of the memories that I feel like hit me the hardest because it just it went beyond being a game and it like hit really close to home on a lot of stuff and it also was like one of those it was like a wake up call and it also was one of those things where again like I kind of said a couple times it's like I've seen this like I I have seen where this goes I lived it like no and and I choose no like do you know what I mean but uh yeah it just and I guess it just kind of reminded me because like it almost became like a like a subconscious thing of like oh yeah no like I'm not gonna take anyone's like culture from them and stuff like that and I've always kind of like carried myself like that like so I feel like again when I worked in the like Vietnamese nail salon and there was like a very particular way that they like acted with me when I first started working there versus when they started opening up to me because and wouldn't you know it the thing that did it was food because one of them was eating something in the back room and when I went in the back room to like get something or whatever um I was like oh what is that and like you know just curious about it and I was like yeah it smells really good and they're like you think it smells good and I'm like yeah it looks really good too I've and then they asked if I had Vietnamese food and I said no I never have but I wanted to try it because there's not a lot of places around here that do Vietnamese food and then wouldn't you know it they literally all started bringing me food a lot and then that led to me going to Vietnam and staying there for two and a half weeks so yeah like you know so it was like I've always kind of like carried myself like that but then what I guess was like unlocked was like the biggest reason why I do that and then it just then it just became and oh my god super love and deep pain but yeah it's life is crazy this game is crazy I just oh my god but yeah so it's it's very cute though because like some of the things I wrote in my journal I guess I'll finish it out like this is uh just me saying that oh the last line it's so cute hang on it says this memory means so much more to me than just good writing it uh it really made me uh connect with Raphael so deeply that I fell in love with him and like hell is also underlined it's so cute um yeah like it it really was like that where this was kind of like initially I already really liked him and I it was a lot of like oh my gosh he's a really well written character and I really like him and I really relate to him and da da da da like that kind of stuff and I wouldn't even consider that service level but maybe it's like the middle of the iceberg but then this is where it was just like a turning point and I was like oh no like this is different so yeah I it's crazy but anyway thank you for listening to me gab about Raphael and uh just now hopefully you understand exactly why he is so like important to me and why I'm so obsessed with him and stuff like that. Hopefully it makes more sense but yes but anyway thank you so much for listening and hanging out I hope you got uh some love and deep space things done or you know you just got to relax or relate or do your dishes I wonder if and hope this is the hopeful part is that if it helped you out with anything going on in your life or I wonder if you know maybe you just found it really interesting or something. But thanks for listening um I had something to say and I'm terrible at outros and I just I keep forgetting everything because I'm like there's so many things to say. But uh yeah so uh hope you have a good time zone happy hunting uh do your dailies do your weeklies and yep in your house now because now we have that so house and cafe and uh pull for your man and I'll see you all in the next episode. Bye