You’re Part of the Family Too!

Don’t Forget You’re Part of the Family Too

Do you ever look at your calendar and realise every single thing in it is for somebody else?

Swimming lessons, football, dance, birthday parties, school events… somewhere between raising our children and trying to give them the best life possible, many of us quietly disappear.

In this episode of The Quiet Reset, I’m talking about mum guilt, over-scheduling, the pressure to give our children the “perfect” childhood, and why it’s okay to choose things that bring you joy too.

We’ll chat about:

• Why so many mums lose themselves in family life.
• Whether our children’s calendars have become too full.
• The difference between encouraging a talent and simply letting children enjoy something.
• Why not every hobby needs to become a career.
• The importance of creating a family life that everyone enjoys – including you.
• A simple question that might change the way you plan your weeks.

If you’ve ever felt like you’ve become the family taxi, project manager, chef, referee and organiser… but forgotten the person you were before becoming a mum, this episode is for you.

Because the goal isn’t just to give our children a wonderful childhood…

It’s to build a family life that we’re all excited to be part of.

Website:
www.thesecretmumclub.com

Email:
kerry@thesecretmumclub.com

Instagram:
@the_secret_mum_club

The Quiet Reset is created by The Secret Mum Club.

You can find more gentle guidance and resources at www.thesecretmumclub.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, I'm Carrie Humphrey and I'm from Secret Mum Club. A professional organising company built on understanding, judgment free support, and real help. I'm that extra pair of hands you've always wished you had. And this podcast is here to help your life feel lighter and calmer and more manageable. One honest conversation at a time. Good morning, good evening, or good night, whatever time of day you are listening to this. My name is Kerry Hart, and this is Quiet Reset, and I am your host for today. So today we are going to be talking about don't forget you are part of the family too. But before we get into that, I just wanted to tell you a little bit about what's going on with me right now. So if you are in the UK, um I would assume that we're all in the same boat anyway, that we are a mere few days into the school holidays, and unlike usual for us, we are not taking a week's holiday or a two-week holiday. Um, we are going away at Christmas instead. So we just had a long weekend away at Centre Parks, which was lovely. Now, if you've not been to Centre Parks, I want to talk a little bit about it. So you can either go from Friday to Monday or you can go from Monday to Friday. So there's a little crossover with people in the middle, and it's kind of like a safe little village for kids, but it doesn't really matter the ages of your kids is suitable. I think we took our stepchildren up to I don't know, I think Ethan must have been about 17. Yeah, and then I think that was at the point where he was just like, Do you know what I want to go to clubs and stuff like that? But before that, he was loving it, and I mean loving it. You know, the swim pool is amazing, there's loads of activities, there's climbing and quad biking, and um laser shooting and bowling, and yeah, you can make yourself as busy as you like, and you cycle around everywhere, and there's no cars, and you know, you can get through an entire dinner, and your children not need to be sat in front of an iPad. You know, there's soft play everywhere you go. It's a little one, it's nothing mental, but even my 10-year-old loved it really good with all the little kids, like it just worked. We went with um two other families, two of my school bum friends who I absolutely adore. I just don't know what I'd do without them. Their partners and their children, so three girls, three boys, six adults, and a partridge and a pear tree. Anyway, we just had the best time, and we had the best time because the children had the best time, and it was easy for us. So the minimal whinging, moaning, um, gave us absolutely loads of time to talk. So, yeah, we just had a lovely time, albeit I had the world's busiest um week, I was working all week, and then it got to the Friday, and it was about 30 degrees outside, and then I started shivering, and I was like, Oh my god, why am I shivering? And I was shivering because I felt ill, you know. It's like, oh my god, not now. This is my holiday for the summer. Um, and it just went downhill from there. Like, got in, I slept, I hadn't even packed my bag, so everyone else was packed, and I thought I'll do mine last minute because I couldn't decide what to wear. I can never decide what to wear to for centre parks because it's very much like you go out for dinner in the evening, but you are riding a bike to dinner, and everyone's very casual, and the evening always finishes around 10 just because that's what time everything shuts down. So, anyway, cut a long story short, I'd not packed. I woke up in the morning after having a terrible night's sleep being all hot and cold. Oh my god, it was awful! And then I just ramming stuff in my bag. Did I forget things? Yeah, was it okay? Yes, I dealt with life. Um, got centiparks, really tried to make an effort with the girls. I've like very heavily dosed myself up an ibuprofen and paracetamol, which I tend not to ever take if I'm honest. I think my body was like, What the hell's going on? Um, and then my husband luckily got me in our little chalet early. I've never been so grateful. Usually I'd get massive FOMO, everybody went swimming, and I knew everyone was having a lovely time. I just couldn't, I just felt rough. So, anyway, after watching, you know what actually it was funny. Earlier that week I'd been super busy, and my husband was sulking about something, so um, he was being no help around the house, and I was thinking to myself, how nice would it be just for no one to demand anything off you and just to just sit and watch TV, like just in silence. And you know what? Bloody manifested it, didn't I? But I did not manifest being ill and having this, so be careful what you wish for. Um, and then I woke up the next day and I had little spots at the back of my throat. I only had bloody tonsillitis, tonsillitis since I was a child. So, anyway, after a little chemistry, I got my drugs, but it just took ages to go, so I was very heavily dosed up all weekend, and the inside of my lovely mulbo bag was just filled with a mini chemist, if I'm honest. So, anyway, we all had a lovely time. I definitely couldn't bear it, I definitely joined in still, even though my body was telling me to stop. Um, and can you believe the day that we get back home? I wake up the next morning and I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine, I've not even got a sore throat. Unbelievable. Anyway, so we are now we are now properly in the midst of a very long six weeks of me finding things to do with the children without spending the entirety of our life savings. So if you keep following me on Instagram, I will come up with lots of different ideas for you. Um we already have our summer adventure jar for those of you who have seen it, which are ideas that the children have come out with, and myself, um, which we did a few weeks ago when our brains were still fresh, we pop them in a little jar. So whenever we get well, whenever we run out of ideas, we can just go to the jar, pick one out, and that's what we're gonna go and do. So, God help me, one of them is camping in the garden, which which I will obviously do, but I'm I'm hoping that one doesn't come out first. Let's say that right, let's get back to the episode today, and that is don't forget you are part of the family too. Now I absolutely adore my children. In fact, my daughter has just walked through the door right now and she's looking at me. I've locked myself in the conservatory. Well, I've shut the door, and she don't see the door shut not to come in. So, morning. Um I absolutely adore my children, and I would do anything for them. And I know if you're listening, you feel exactly the same because I suppose we have children, right? But I want to ask you a question today, and that is when was the last time you made a decision because it made you happy? That's not your children, not your partner, not your family, you. Because I'm wondering if somewhere along the line we've started to believe that being a good mum means disappearing ourselves. I know so many mums that do nothing for themselves. They work, they run their children's to clubs or birthday parties, and they honestly do nothing for themselves, even where they choose to go on holiday or what they choose to do on holiday is all to do with their children. So the question is really this have we built our lives around our children? There is not a mum that I know that can that their calendar is not full with football, swimming, our dance, gymnastics, birthday parties, play dates, clubs, school events, parents' evenings, there's absolutely absurd. And then when they get a little bit older, I hear that it's weekends become taxis, evenings become logistics, and before we know it, our entire life revolves around everybody else's timetable. But where are you in that? If you looked at your calendar today, could they tell you what you enjoy? Or would they be able to tell you what your children enjoy? Where's your hobby? Where's your club? You know, I don't have a hobby, I don't have a club that I go to. My work, because I love it so much, this is what I do for fun. This is absolutely what I do for fun. But there are things that you know, at the end of the year, I always do a goal list of things that I want to do the following year, and one of the things on there was learn to play tennis. Now, we got an email through from our local tennis club, and it was oh my god, how much was it? It was like 60 pounds for eight weeks on a Wednesday at 6 pm. Right? How could that not fit in with anything? That could fit in with everything. My husband only needs to do is put the children to bed. I will be gone 50 minutes tops. That's me travelling there and back. Have I done it? No, I haven't. Why? Why because I feel like I should be here, and isn't that mad? I I wonder if you know it's always been like this, or whether it's just my generation of people that feel like that they need to do everything for the children. I actually used to work with a lady, and when I first started working there, she said to me, Do you have children? I said yes. She said, How old are they? I tell them the ages. She said, Oh, they're still like infant school there. I was like, Yeah, and she said, Um, don't worry, you can still pick them up from school, you just gotta work when you get back. Um, like make up your time. I was like, Oh, okay, thanks, yeah. I really appreciate that. Like picking up the kids from school is amazing, you know, and they get out, they're super chatty, throw their stuff at you, and they're like, Ah, this happened. I absolutely love it. Anyway, I after spending a lot of time with her, I worked there for a couple of years. She basically her choice, her fun, her hobby was working, and that was nine to five working in the city, right? So she'd have to get up, like the kids would be in before and after school clubs, um, so she could go to work. And I don't judge anybody for wanting to be a stay-at-home or wanting to work or needing to work or anything like that, but that's what she chose to do, and that's what made her happy. Her husband was actually the breadwinner, but she'd always worked and she loved her job, and she said, Do you know what? I don't want to leave it, but in order for me to be able to do that, bearing in mind a lot of people don't like their job, they have to do it for the money, for their mortgage, etc. Um, she would make her weekends all about the children because she was earning money. She was, you want to go to the shops? Yeah, what whatever you want. Do you want clothes? Do you want shoes? Do you want bags? Do you want whatever? They had everything they wanted, and that was her guilt for her working. How crazy is that? You know, like I enjoy my job and I love it, but I still work it around the children best I can, and sometimes I think it's good to see your your children see you work, they're learning from us, aren't they? I think a lot of mums carry a lot of guilt, regardless of what you do. Like, I just gave a great example of working guilt. What about staying at home guilt? I I definitely had it after having Scarlet. Um, I didn't go back to work then just because they were trying to give me a job that I couldn't do in the limited amount of time that I was working, which was part-time, um, and I didn't want to let anyone down because I work hard and I love it. And I felt guilty for staying at home, guilty towards my partner for putting him in the position of having to earn all the money while I'm at home enjoying myself, you know, and I really did love it when they were teeny tiny. I love it now, but when they were really teeny tiny, I loved it. It can be very stressful, but I carried the guilt there. What about the only child guilt? How about when you've got one child and then you feel really guilty because you've only got one, or you've not got enough time? I just feel like as a parent you're gonna feel guilty about something, and you need to be able to relieve that pressure somewhere. And so, what do a lot of people do? So sometimes we try and make up for it by you know, we book another club, another activity, another experience, because somewhere in our minds we've linked being busy with being a good parent. I don't actually think children are counting how many clubs they went to, they're noticing how you felt while you were with them, and I think that's super important that they are mimicking what you do and how you feel. I remember when we first bought the house that we're in now, it's got conservatory on the back, which is they're just useless for everybody, aren't they? They've a boiling hot, freezing cold. Now, right now it's 7 30 in the morning. I've got the window's a little bit of ajar, and it is oh my god, what month are we in? July. Right, so it's warm. Been about half an hour. This is gonna be like a sweat box. And I used to work in here in the winter with a massive blanket, you could have called it duvet to be fair, and a heater, it's useless for everyone, and it also gets too bright in here as well. Anyway, we had this conservatory, and it had this L-shape seating in it, which they'd left, and it was lovely. And I used to sit in here, it was just that crisp kind of autumn time, and I sat in there and I started reading a book, and I think oh what age is my children then? Seven and five. And I wasn't sat in there reading the books, first book that I'd opened since having the children, and they both came in with a book and sat down next to me and started reading, out loud, of course, but they copied what I did. So your children will absolutely copy what you do. So, what about them seeing that you give yourself no hobby, no time, that you literally sacrifice yourself for the children? Where is the middle ground there? At what point do you think that it's okay just to do that one thing for yourself? That one thing. You know, sometimes I shave my legs in the chair and I feel like that's a win, you know. Um I've also got another story. When my son was born, obviously he's my firstborn. Uh, I joined NCT groups. For those of you that don't know that NCT, it was a group that one of my best friends told me about when she had her son, and they put you together with other parents that are pregnant at the same time as you that live in the same vicinity as you, so you're just kind of hand-picked. And I've got these five, well, it was a group of five of us now. There was seven of us, I think. Yeah, two people kind of flaked off. So there's four left. So sorry, four and two is six. I'm not with it this morning, sorry. So, um, yeah, there's four of us now, and one of the girls I used to go swimming with, and we used to take our sons and we used to walk there in the buggies, and we used to take him swimming, and you know, he's not gonna remember any of that. Did that help with his swimming now? Absolutely not. Did I love it? Yes, I did. Do I remember his little face when he was in that water? Yeah, the cuddles afterwards, and I didn't take him because I thought he'd remember, I took him because I loved it, and I love spending time with him there, and that filled up my cup too. I was spending time with my really lovely friend and her son, and us, we used to go for a salad afterwards. The boys used to just wriggle about on the floor. You know, it's okay to choose family activities because you enjoy them as well. You are allowed to enjoy being a parent, and I feel like I need to say that again. You are allowed to enjoy being a parent. When I speak to my husband, he had the best childhood. He tells everyone he had the best childhood, so he will make sure his children have the best childhood, but sometimes he does that and he isn't really enjoying it. He's doing it just for the kids, and he'll go, No, I'm just doing it for the kids because the kids have to have the best time. And I said to him, you know, you life is short, we all need to enjoy this. If there's something you particularly hate doing, you know, maybe one of us can go, or maybe none of us need to go, you know. It's such a short time that you have your children for, you know, 18 summers. I think it was Eddie Murphy that said that. Yes, 18 summers. It's not a lot when you look at it like that, is it? But you need to enjoy it as well. Imagine looking back at every holiday going, I didn't enjoy that, just sat in all-inclusive for 18 years, it's not what I wanted to do, I wanted to go out venturing. You know, this year we've decided to do that exact thing with the children, and this was what I was saying to my husband. I was saying, you know, we need to do something for us as well, and he's always wanted to go to Thailand, and so we have, I know we went to Centre Parks, but we're not going on holiday holiday this year to save it until Boxing Day, and we are off to sunny Thailand, and we've decided the kids are a little bit more robust, you know, to give them those experiences rather than them just hopping from one hotel to another just with a different swimming pool. You know, we're gonna take them to the floating markets, we're gonna, you know, we are gonna do the beach bit as well, but you know, just to show them a different part of the world, and that is something we are all gonna enjoy, and I'm so excited about it. So, I do feel like he's starting to listen to me, which is amazing. That you love it when your husband listens to you for once. Now I'm gonna ask you a question: what do you do just because you enjoy it? Not because it will make you fitter and make you more money, make you more productive, simply because it makes you happy. Now, can you answer that? Because I think a lot of mums can't. And I'm sitting here right now and I'm going, what do I do apart from work? I'll occasionally go with my friends, but where's my hobby? What do I really enjoy? I don't know. I don't know anymore. Because I have made my life all about working and the children, and so I am gonna make a concerted effort to do that. So, you know, that tennis club, I am actually gonna contact them as soon as I finish this podcast and I'm gonna see what courses they've got on, and I am going to sign up for that course. It is such a short amount of time that I will leave the house. Who can be trying to justify it? That's another thing. Why do our mums feel like we need to justify stuff all the time? Doesn't matter who I speak to, they always need to go, well, I do that because of that, but it's okay because then I'm home. Don't justify anything to anyone, it's your life, it's your time, it's your family. Like, you don't need to do that. Your job here on earth is to be happy and to have all of these different experiences. That's it. So stop thinking that it's about baking friends and people not judging you. People are gonna judge you whether you like it or not. They will. Doesn't matter if you're the nicest person on the planet, not everyone is gonna like you, and that's okay. So just do you, you do you, they do them, and what you don't hear doesn't hurt you, so you just carry on. So I'm gonna get back to the point about your children are watching. Children just learn from what we say, they're learning from how we live. So if you're making yourself, if you're going out for a pat lunch during the day, like for a picnic with the kids, you make yourself food as well, you make yourself drink as well. You you need to show the children that you're important too because they will grow up and they will have children and they will do the same thing, and you will look at them going, Why haven't you got a drink? Why haven't you got food? Ah, it's different when you listen to it that way, isn't it? See, they will look at Liggy and they will say, She never laughed, she never did anything for herself, never met friends, never had hobbies. My mum and dad spent the entirety of mine and my sister's lives doing up our house because they didn't have loads of money, they had to whatever they did do, they did themselves, and they did it so well. They spent a lot of time together, and that they like loved each other so much. You know, when you look at somebody and you can just feel it, and I think that's why I have grown up the way that I am. That I just love, love, like I just love it a lot. You know, seeing my mum at the kitchen sink and my dad come in every day and he'd put his briefcase in the same place, and he'd come up, put his arms around my mum, give her a big kiss on the neck, and go hello, before he'd even spoken to us, like it was so important that he did that, and that to me is just amazing. But um, they never really had hobbies, they had things that they collected from holiday, but I don't recall a hobby that they had or things that they did for themselves. We obviously went on holiday and things like that, um, but when we were all old enough and we left home, they went on holidays together, but they never actually got hobbies, and I do think it's important to do that. My dad, after retiring, only had about 10 years, um, and then he got really poorly and he wasn't well, and there was he had a limitation to what he could do, and then it was too late, it was too late. So, at what point do you think it's too late for you to do what you want to do? And that's important, isn't it? How does that sit with you? One thing, it just takes that one thing. So, I'm absolutely booking that tennis school. Of course, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do that one thing for me. Look, your kids are not gonna remember every football session or every gymnastics lesson or every club or every certificate, but they will remember things that you do and the way that you behave and the way that you treat yourself, and so it's important that you treat yourself with the care that you would like them to treat themselves as they get as they grow up and as they get older, because children are incredibly good at sensing how we feel, and it will make you much happier. So, here's my challenge this week: when you're planning your family's diary, don't just ask what would the children enjoy, ask yourself what we would enjoy, because you're part of the family too, and you matter too. And I honestly don't think the goal here is to give our children a perfect childhood, it's to build a family life everybody enjoys living, including you. I hope you've enjoyed your this episode. And if you have, please like, save, subscribe, leave me a review, it would be amazing. It means the world to me. Um, have a lovely six weeks for those that are in the midst of it, and I'll see you again next week.