Ep. 20 - If You're Not Making Mistakes, You're Probably Not Leading

Every leader will make mistakes. The difference isn't whether you get it wrong — it's what you choose to do afterward.

Leadership is not about perfection. Whether you're leading a team, a business, a family, or simply yourself, mistakes are part of the journey. The leaders people trust most are not the ones who never get it wrong — they are the ones willing to learn, adjust, and move forward.

This episode explores why leadership mistakes are inevitable, what they can teach you, and how to avoid letting fear of failure keep you from stepping into leadership in the first place. The conversation covers taking ownership, having difficult conversations, repairing trust when possible, and using past mistakes as fuel for growth rather than a reason to pull back.

If you've ever replayed a conversation wishing you had handled it differently, or questioned a leadership decision long after the moment passed, this is a reminder that mistakes don't define your leadership. What you do next does.

Transcript

0:07

Welcome back to Beyond the Juggle. I am Amy Stark Snook, and I am thrilled that you are here with me today because this episode in particular, for every leader and future leader, is something you need to hear. Whether you lead a company, a family, a team, a classroom, or simply yourself, you need to hear this. You know, I work with a lot of people. I actually just did a three-hour seminar on the West Coast of Florida about emotional intelligence. And people said, say to me, I don't have the title, I'm not a leader. And I think where people get confused is they think they need a title to lead. So hear me clearly. You are a leader in some role, if not many roles in your life. So I want to talk about an important subject. We're talking about leadership mistakes, leadership learning opportunities. We're going to reframe it. And the truth that every single one of us needs to hear, we will get something wrong at some point. And honestly, I think one of the biggest misconceptions about leadership is that great leaders always know exactly what to do. Trust me when I say they don't. Great leaders are simply willing to learn through the moments they wish they had handled differently. And we all have them. Now, before we even dive into this conversation, I do want to say something important. If you're listening to this podcast, it means you care enough to grow. It means somewhere inside you, there is a desire to become better, more aware, more intentional, more effective, more connected. And that already separates you from a lot of people. Because there are so many people who never truly step into leadership, whether they have the role or not. Not because they're incapable, but because fear keeps them frozen. What would they be fearful of? Fear of disappointing people, fear of conflict, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being challenged, fear of losing relationships, fears of being the bad guy. That's a big one. Fear of saying the wrong thing, fear that if they stand up, someone might leave, quit, or reject them. And sometimes instead of learning, instead of growing, instead of seeking coaching or wisdom or experience, they simply avoid leadership altogether. Or they hold the title, but again, they never truly lead. So first, if you're here listening and learning, give yourself credit for that. Leadership requires courage before it ever develops competence. And here's the truth that nobody really tells you when you step into leadership. You will make mistakes. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when and how often. You will mishandle conversations, you will react emotionally sometimes. You will miss things. You will wish you had listened longer. You will wish you had slowed down. You will wish you had responded differently. You will make mistakes that later need adjusting without a question. You will have moments you will replay in your head thinking, I could have handled that better. I mean, as I'm saying it, 17 different situations popped into my brain over my leadership journey that I wish I had handled differently. Look, this is not proof that you are failing. This is proof that you are learning. I honestly don't even call these learning moments failures anymore. As I said before, let's call them leadership learning opportunities. Because leadership is not built in perfection, it's built in awareness, reflection, adjustment, and growth. You know, I remember in my young years in leadership in telecommunications. And if you've listened to my podcast, you've heard these stories. But I remember the first day in the field of my team, I'm a new sales manager. They're all coming back, and I was working on something, and they're telling me as, as I call it, their war stories. And I remember going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for you. That's good. And my sales manager, the director, pulled me in his office. He said, absolutely not. The most important thing you can do is slow down and listen to them. Listen to their war stories. You make time. When they walk back in the door from the field, your only priority is to listen to them. I never forgot that. So, and the people who never make leadership mistakes, guys, are often the people who never truly step into leadership in the first place. You need to remember that. One of the biggest areas I see leaders struggle with is balancing empathy and accountability. And we've talked about this a lot as well. You can lead with empathy, but still make hard decisions. You can care deeply about people and still have uncomfortable conversations. You can support someone and still hold standards. And that's a tough boundary for people. That's probably one of the top topics when I coach people, you know, because it's hard not to get close to people that you work with so often. And when it's time to have that tough conversation, oh my God, we make it so much more difficult because we get in our head about who the person is, their family, their kids, what they're struggling with in life. But your obligation to your team, to your company, et cetera, are the standards. Many leaders avoid these moments because they are afraid of hurting someone, disappointing someone, or losing the relationship altogether. And what happens when you do that, right? The issue grows, resentment grows, confusion grows, and eventually that difficult conversation becomes a million times harder because we waited too long. Right? Whether that's leadership or a personal situation, all of it holds true. Another leadership opportunity happens when leaders become so focused on proving their value, their intelligence, their strengths that they forget the real goal of leadership is uncovering the strengths of others. I have this quote that I just used in a class I taught. Leadership is not about showing people your superpower, it's about helping them discover theirs. And sometimes we miss that because we're operating from insecurity instead of confidence. Sometimes leadership mistakes don't come from arrogance, they come from pure exhaustion, being overwhelmed or fear or pressure, or just not having the right tools yet. And I think that is important to acknowledge because leadership is human, everyone. There are moments when we take the easy route because we're tired. I look, I liken this to motherhood. I think back some decisions I made when Dylan was young. I was just flat out tired. Moments where we don't slow down long enough to truly listen to our team stories, our kids' stories, their experiences, their fears, and their perspective. Moments when we react too quickly in meetings when challenged instead of pausing and responding thoughtfully. And we've talked about that in our emotional intelligence episode. Moments when we lead from fear. If I push too hard, they'll quit. If I dress this, they'll be upset. If I stand firm, I'll lose the relationship. But avoiding leadership moments does not, I promise you, strengthen leadership. It weakens it. And this is where I think the conversation gets really important because not all leadership lessons, not all leadership opportunities, let's say it that way, are the same. There are still ones you can repair, and then there are the ones that you can no longer undo. The ones that you can repair are the moments where maybe you spoke too quickly, reacted too emotionally, misunderstood someone, failed to communicate clearly, or handled a conversation poorly. And great leaders are willing to go back, go back and apologize, go back and clarify, go back and own it, go back and listen better, go back and reopen the conversation. Because one of the strongest things a leader can say is, I didn't handle that well. And I'm telling you, they will respect you for realizing it, acknowledging it, and doing a take to. I think a lot of leaders think apologizing weakens authority. I promise you it does not. I mean, granted, you don't want to do it every day. But a mistake that is impacting a relationship or whatever it might be, I promise you it will make a difference. Defensiveness weakens leadership. Ego weakens leadership, and avoidance absolutely weakens leadership. Ownership builds trust. And emotional intelligent leadership is not just analyzing everyone else, it's analyzing yourself. And we talked about that absolutely ad nauseum in the emotional intelligence segment. Why did I react that way? Why was I overwhelmed? Why was I defensive, insecure, exhausted, trying to protect myself? Growth happens when leaders are willing to ask themselves hard questions too. And then there's the other side of leadership, guys, the hard one. The harder side, the mistakes that cannot fully be corrected. The moments where too much time has passed, a relationship changed permanently, someone left, trust broke, an opportunity disappears, or you realize too late what someone actually needed from you. And those moments can stay with you. I promise you, they haunt you. Not to punish you forever, but to deepen you. Because I don't think the answer is carrying guilt forever, although I do with some situations, and we'll talk about that in a minute. I think the answer is learning without living there, right? Living in the guilt. Some leadership lessons become part of your wisdom because you never want another person to experience what happened under your watch again, right? And I think experienced leaders understand that deeply. Some of the greatest leadership strengths may actually come from the moments you once regretted, the conversation you avoided because the reason you now communicate earlier, right? The person you failed to fully hear becomes the reason you now slow down and listen to more intentionally. The mistake that you were once embarrassed about becomes the very thing that teaches you humility, compassion, accountability, and awareness. The key is not wasting the lesson. Do not waste your leadership learning opportunities by bearing them under your ego. Because a mistake itself rarely defines a leader. Their response usually does. Some leaders become defensive, some become bitter, some stop taking risks altogether because they're afraid of getting it wrong again. And that's dangerous too, because leadership requires courage, not recklessness, but courage, the courage to make decisions, to have hard conversations, to step up, to grow publicly, to reflect honestly, to try again after getting it wrong. The goal is not to become a leader who never makes mistakes. The goal is to become a leader who is reflective enough, humble enough, and courageous enough to grow with them. So let me talk about a couple of my leadership learning opportunities. How's that? But until recently, I flat out called them leadership failures, and they haunted me until I kind of flipped the script on that. I remember back in my young, young days in corporate American Telecom, I was interviewing two people for one position. And I knew one was stronger than the other. I knew one was in a better place in life, and there were so many reasons. It was such a clear-cut answer. But instead of having that honest conversation with the one who I wasn't going to offer the position, I think about this all the time. I sat in that meeting, so uncomfortable to have the conversation, hadn't role played it, hadn't gone to someone for coaching. I think I was all 25 years old. And I spent my time trying to talk her out of wanting the position. It totally impacted our relationship. It absolutely did. Because I think she thought I didn't see her clearly. Well, I know that's what she thought. And our relationship was never the same. And it wasn't a strong leadership moment for me. I think about another one. I had my own business. I was done. It was time for me to move away from this business. I was burnt out and my heart wanted to do something else. I had a young child and I needed to change the dynamic of where I spent my time so I could spend quality time with him as well. But I got talked into still being involved in the business. And I knew better. That little voice inside my head was warning me, but I ignored it. And that was not a good leadership journey for the next year of my life. I was too scared to have the tough conversations because I didn't want to step into their role. I mishandled disrespect by people because I didn't want to step in and run more of the business. I allowed bad behavior. I allowed disrespect because I was fearful and had one foot out the door. And you know what happened to that business? And you know what happened to the people in that business? And I wish I could bring them all together again and apologize from the bottom of my heart because it all the bottom fell out. Of course it did. The culture was broken. There was disrespect to the leader. My not managing the culture and the standards for everyone. That that has always haunted me, and that has impacted a lot of relationships and probably a lot of credibility. But one thing that I realized years later is look, we grow in life. That that is, I hope we're growing in life and continuing to invest in ourselves, coaching, therapy, going to the gym, whatever way it is, we're growing. And until recently, I was assuming everyone else was staying stagnant, right? So these leadership learning opportunities that haunt me, what I now realize is the people that were involved in it with me, they're growing too. And I'm just going to hope and pray that they see a different perspective as well. I hope that makes sense. So maybe the biggest message I want to leave you with today is this. You are going to have leadership learning opportunities throughout your journey. That does not mean that you are not meant to lead. It means you are becoming the kind of leader people actually need. Don't go about this yourself. Work through some of these issues, understand yourself better, understand others. Emotional intelligence is so important, but have a coach, have a mentor, have somebody that you can bounce ideas off of so you're not going at it alone. And I hope you know I'm here if and when you need me. So until next time, keep leading, keep juggling, and most importantly, keep showing up.