Fuck, fuck.
Speaker 2:You alright, Noah.
Speaker 3:My dad just died.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they told me before I came to get you. How did he end up passing?
Speaker 3:An aneurysm, I guess.
Speaker 2:Noah, if you want to go home for the day, you are more than welcome. I can get Benny to rub his two brain cells together and cover the rest of the shift, noah.
Speaker 3:Dude, I think I'd much rather just finish out my shift, if that's alright. Don't think going home would be the best thing right now.
Speaker 2:Are you sure you only have a couple things to put away and inventory can wait. I'm not gonna have Benny do it, I'm sure.
Speaker 3:I just I appreciate the offer, man. It's the worst thing for me right now it would be to go home and wallow in my own self-pity.
Speaker 2:Whatever you want, just know the offer still stands. And I know it's probably not the time, but if you need to talk, dude, I'm here.
Speaker 3:I appreciate it, Jacob. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Seriously not a problem. You owe me a new fucking office phone, though Shit dude, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:Phone though. Oh shit, dude, I'm so sorry, jacob, I'm already tense and this just made me fly right off the handle, dude.
Speaker 2:Hey, I get it, I'm just fucking with you. Anyways, I have an extra in the parts room. Now go and make sure Benny hasn't set the place on fire, please. All right, man.
Speaker 3:Are you still sweeping? God damn it.
Speaker 4:Benny. Well, yeah, I had your area in mind. It's twice the work, you know.
Speaker 3:There's only this pile left. What the?
Speaker 4:hell have you been doing? I'm sweeping, hey Noah. Why do they call them sperm whales? They're kind of dirty if you think about it. You know, I saw this TV special about sperm whales and they said they were dinosaurs, but dinosaurs lived on land. So that can't be true. It's kinda dirty if you think about it. I saw this TV special about sperm whales and they said they were dinosaurs, but dinosaurs lived on land. So that can't be true.
Speaker 3:Jake, I changed my mind.
Speaker 4:You can outrun the devil, but you ain't gonna outrun me.
Speaker 5:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and directed by Ben Kaddafi. Episode 2 Noah just got delivered some soul-crushing news about his daddy. Now I may not be the smartest man, but I'd say this would only add to Noah's frustration seeing how he deals with day-to-day stress. There's a life lesson here, but it just flies right over his head.
Speaker 3:Thanks, jacob. I owe you one man. You don't owe me shit. Just let me know if you need anything else We'll be fine. Better go make sure Benny didn't stick his dick in the electric socket while you were out. Fuck, alright, I'm hurrying back. Give me a call. Better go make sure Benny didn't stick his dick in the electric socket while you were out. Ah, fuck.
Speaker 2:Alright, I'm hurrying back. Give me a call.
Speaker 1:Oh baby, I'm so sorry. It's been one hell of a birthday, huh. Is there anything I can do?
Speaker 3:No, it's fine.
Speaker 1:No, it's not fine. Your dad just died. I can't imagine what you're going through.
Speaker 3:Well, continuously talking about it isn't helping.
Speaker 1:Uh, excuse me, Do you want to check your tone?
Speaker 3:I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help.
Speaker 1:I get it. You don't want to talk. I'll give you a pass on this one. Tell you what why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll get dinner going?
Speaker 3:I think I'm just going to go grab a beer and head to the garage for a bit.
Speaker 1:You do you, I'll be right here.
Speaker 3:You'll be waiting in the entryway.
Speaker 1:Oh shut it, mister, Don't make me poison your food.
Speaker 3:Only if I could be so lucky.
Speaker 1:Oh, hey, by the way, you have a bunch of mail. It looks like you got a package from Isaac.
Speaker 3:Fucking wonderful.
Speaker 1:Oh, shut up. I'd be happy that he sent you anything.
Speaker 3:Hey, Kirsten.
Speaker 1:Yeah, baby.
Speaker 3:I love you. Thank you, quit being a little bitch and go listen to bad music in the garage. Did you miss me? All right, isaac, let's see what weird bullshit you got me this year. What?
Speaker 2:the hell is this? Tampons that son of a bitch.
Speaker 3:Here's a card. How thoughtful you little shit. Hey, happy birthday, noah. I know how much you love to overreact, so I got you something to help with that. What's that? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 4:I birthday, noah. I know how much you love to overreact, so I got you something to help with that. Open your fountain shaped gift and get ready for a surprise.
Speaker 3:If there is a dildo in this tube, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 1:Hey, did you hear what the fuck happened to you?
Speaker 3:I'm still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 1:Looks like a stripper, farted on you.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna fucking kill Isaac.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm here. Oh, has he called you yet?
Speaker 3:Nope, and he's definitely gonna get a fucking phone call from me, though.
Speaker 4:Happy birthday, fuckface.
Speaker 3:Dude, what the fuck I take it? You got my present. Dude, I'm gonna kill you, figured you'd like it. Isaac, I swear to God.
Speaker 4:Oh, shut up. You sent me a box of human shit on my birthday.
Speaker 3:Dude, I have something to tell you, Isaac.
Speaker 4:I swear to God, dude, I have something to tell you, isaac.
Speaker 3:Isaac.
Speaker 4:For the love of God.
Speaker 3:Dad's fucking dead. I found out a couple hours ago. Dad passed away this morning.
Speaker 4:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:How Aneurysm, they said he collapsed in the yard.
Speaker 4:Holy shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to the mortuary tomorrow to find out when the service is.
Speaker 4:Keep me posted. Man, what mortuary.
Speaker 3:John A Gentleman.
Speaker 4:How are you doing? Are you all right?
Speaker 3:I will be. I'm still trying to process all this and now, thanks to you, I look like a stripper, farted on me. Don't you be taking my?
Speaker 4:lines. Well, it's time to get a glitter bomb. Happy birthday, I guess.
Speaker 3:Yeah, whoopty, fucking fuck. I'll call you tomorrow. Dude, I love you like a sister, little brother. Okay, asshole, I'll call you tomorrow. I love you like a sister, little brother.
Speaker 4:Okay, asshole, I'll call you tomorrow.
Speaker 3:Sounds good man, so how'd he take it Like he didn't have a glitter bomb go off in his face.
Speaker 1:Well, please clean yourself up before you come back in. That shit is a pain in the ass to clean and I don't want it all over the house.
Speaker 3:That little prick. I'm gonna throw him in Dad's casket for this one.
Speaker 2:What that little prick? I'm gonna throw him in Dad's casket for this one. What the fuck just happened, jesus Christ.
Speaker 4:I got it to light, but this lighter's on its last legs. What's wrong? Oh my god, are you gonna throw up? Please don't tell me you're gonna throw up. I don't want to have to babysit the drunk guy.
Speaker 1:My dad just died. What, oh my god. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4:Thank you. Did you just throw a whole joint on the ground and stomp it out? Yeah, I did. Is there anything I can do? God, I don't know. I think I'm just still in shock. I get it. I don't know how I'd take that news either. God, it's just so wild. I talked to him yesterday.
Speaker 6:I will totally have sympathy sex with you if you want. Hey Answer your phone from time to time. Dick milk Delivery for ya.
Speaker 3:I shut off my fucking phone. I think Isaac made some Craigslist ad with my number on it. I keep getting calls for some fucking fruit cup bondage marathons, whatever the fuck that means.
Speaker 6:What Fucking gross dude. I was gonna call your wife to get a hold of you, but it seems like you need to call Jesus. Shut up. Is this dad's truck? Sure the hell is. It's amazing. The thing still runs the way it does. I finished his tune-up the night before he passed so I couldn't give it back. Man, this little shitbox just needed a tune-up. That's surprising. What's surprising? It has 400,000 miles on it. How long has he had it?
Speaker 3:Since I was a kid. But damn, he did so much work on it over the years.
Speaker 6:I think that was when I just met you guys. Yep, you had just moved down the street from us. I seem to recall your dad named the truck, didn't he?
Speaker 3:have a name for it, loretta. He could never fix this goddamn lock, though you couldn't either.
Speaker 6:could you Honestly forgot about it? It broke a couple months after he bought it, though, didn't it? I vaguely remember that from when we were kids.
Speaker 3:Isaac and his dumbass friends broke it playing cops and robbers.
Speaker 6:You know, I actually do remember that. Little dickhead tried blaming me for it, and I was at the lake with mom that day I could hear Isaac screaming down the street Shit, that was hilarious, fucking banshee cry the kid could shatter glass. Little shit blamed everything on me, yeah, but he got busted that time. Speaking of which, how did he?
Speaker 3:take the news. He barely said a fucking word. Really, yeah, really.
Speaker 6:Wow, sorry to hear that man. You're a good friend, gabe, thank you. Thank you for grabbing this Dude don't worry about it. Tom was basically my dad too. I mean, maya and I were at your house almost every single day. I mean, your mom even had a place at the table for us. I was even a pallbearer at her funeral too.
Speaker 3:And I appreciate that, brother, I really do. Speaking of which, do you have time to come to the?
Speaker 6:mortuary with me. I got you covered there too. Your wife called me this morning, since you're too busy having phone sex. Everything is covered, I guess. What Cost of the casket funeral?
Speaker 3:everything how he lost his fucking life insurance when the meat-pegging plant closed.
Speaker 6:You got me. They said it was an anonymous party, so maybe somebody higher up in the plant felt obligated, who knows? The good news is everything's paid for. So we just need to organize everybody. You down to carry the old bastard's casket. You know it, I can get my dad too.
Speaker 3:I don't even want to call him, but I'll let Isaac know that fucker sent me a goddamn glitter bomb yesterday and I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 6:Gotta admit it is pretty good timing. Terrible timing. Get the fuck out of here. Hey, your dad just died. Happy birthday.
Speaker 3:I just found out my dad died. I didn't think I'd end up looking like some fucking stripper farted on me.
Speaker 6:Well, I laughed. I will be when I fucking hurt him. Take me back to work before you call him. I do not want to hear you two bitch back and forth Worse than a couple of white girls on Cinco de Mayo. I kind of want to break his nose. I'm not gonna lie. Hey, just wait until after the funeral. Think about it. Your wife goes into labor. Think about it. Your wife goes into labor, placenta in the pews, me gagging. Nobody needs that, especially me, please.
Speaker 3:Not funny. Get in Loretta and shut the fuck up.
Speaker 6:I'll drive you back to work? Do you want me to go ahead and fix that lock when we get back in the shop?
Speaker 3:Nah, it's kind of nostalgic at this point.
Speaker 5:Getting possession of his childhood truck, noah started feeling a little better about everything. Sometimes a man just needs to remember the good times he had with family and get his mind clear. Brothers always know how to get under each other's skin, so for Noah to slip into a better mood, daddy's truck was just the right medicine. God forbid Isaac presses any more buttons.
Speaker 3:When you finally come out, we are going to teach you so much about how your mom's side of the family is nuts. If you meet a man named Chuck, run far away. He will fill your head with the most random shit.
Speaker 1:Don't swear when you talk to the baby. How?
Speaker 3:else am I supposed to communicate with him? I? Don't know, write it a letter or something Just don't swear at him when you're laying on my belly. Don't listen to her.
Speaker 1:I'm going to teach you all the ways to use the word fuck in a sentence. I mean it. Get your head off my belly if you're going to talk like that.
Speaker 3:Shit fuck camel toe ass donkey cunt.
Speaker 1:Ow, I warned you Knock it off.
Speaker 3:You try to assault me with that book again. I'm going to plant Isaac's cocaine on you and I will call the sheriff. What are you reading anyway?
Speaker 1:The Butcher of Bronson Street.
Speaker 3:Sounds like a Sweeney Todd ripoff. Is the author RL Stine?
Speaker 1:Oh for fuck, Damn it.
Speaker 3:Oh, not so easy, is it?
Speaker 1:Shut up and let me read.
Speaker 3:Now's probably a good time to tell you your mother is illiterate, so I will probably be the one to teach you how to read.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, did you call your brother and give him the details? Yet Shit Language.
Speaker 3:Can you call him? I can picture him ugly crying, already Suck it up and call Isaac.
Speaker 1:Okay, he deserves the details from his own brother. Fine.
Speaker 3:Hello. Hey, little brother, I got word from the mortuary today. Yeah, I guess somebody already paid for the whole thing, so I'm not gonna need any money from you. Well, that's good it works out, because I know you probably spent it all on blow anyway.
Speaker 4:Why do you always assume I'm this fucking degenerate junkie dickhead?
Speaker 3:Well, when you spend all your time posting pictures of you smoking weed on Instagram the amount of posts, I know you don't have a job.
Speaker 4:Great detective work Officer. Dippy, how do you know about my Instagram? Anyway, you use a flip phone.
Speaker 3:Kirsten shows me when you upload your onesie photos.
Speaker 1:Quit picking a fight. Just tell him what he needs to know.
Speaker 3:Sorry, it's alright. What, no, I'm talking to my wife. Wake is on Friday, funeral is on Saturday. Just make sure you're here by Thursday. I'll buy you a suit.
Speaker 4:Why would? You buy me a suit.
Speaker 3:You're gonna be a pallbearer, so you need to look sharp. I can't have you dressed like you're high on molly, noah. Don't argue, isaac, it's a funeral. We need to match anyway, so I'll get it. It's fine, noah, I'm not coming. What I can't? What do you mean? You can't? It's Dad's funeral. I don't know if I can handle another parental funeral.
Speaker 4:Are you fucking kidding me? I know you aren't going to understand. I just I feel I would there. I wouldn't be any help.
Speaker 3:So let me get this straight. You refuse to go to your father's funeral because you're afraid of how it's going to make you feel. I knew you weren't going to understand. Oh, I understand. This is the most self-centered bullshit I think I've ever heard. I'll send flowers, Isaac. I swear to Christ, if you do not come to this, I'm going to bury you with him. He fucking hung up the fucking prick hung up oh shit, here we go. Oh, I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 1:Remember when the counselor told you to sit and breathe when you're upset? I'm not upset, I'm pissed. Baby, calm down, Sit down and put your arms above your head. Noah, it's gonna be okay. You hear me? There's no need to worry about Isaac at the moment.
Speaker 3:We're gonna get through this. No, that spoiled little shit is not gonna skip out on his father's funeral. Noah, I'm going to go get him For fuck's sake, noah, he's 700 miles away.
Speaker 1:Don't you dare leave this fucking house right now. Kirsten, I am sorry I have to. Noah, you asshole. I don't want you driving pissed off. That's why your truck is in the shop in the first place. Noah, I'll be back in a day or so. Fuck, they're both. Fucking ass in the first place. Noah, I'll be back in a day or so. Fuck they're both fucking assholes.
Speaker 5:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies. Starring Tim Welsh, ben Gaddafi, samantha Johnson, wren Soren, katie Lee Rumpf, tessa Thompson, alexander Hamilton, ryan Rumpf, nick Vodica, jason Flynn. Written and directed by Ben Gaddafi.