With the truck working right along the road, again, the ultimate game of cat and mouse is going to ensue. Leaving these boys unattended can have dire effect on someone's mental fortitude. Just ask Kirsten, the poor woman has had to pull these boys apart with a broom more times than a dog sniffing another dog's ass. Noah has never trusted Isaac. Isaac can't sneeze without being called Judas, but that, my friends, is kind of justified.
Speaker 2:What are you looking for? A napkin for you? You look like you forgot to clean your chin. What, oh, there they are. Yeah you look like you did some sexual favors for the hotel room. Reminds you of making the Dean's List in college. There, sasha Gray, here. Let me see your phone. I'll take a picture here. There's nothing there there, sure isn't, but I distracted you long enough. Oh shit, what is he doing? I don't trust this fucking gorilla.
Speaker 4:Fuck, he's coming Lock the door Lock the door Lock the door.
Speaker 2:Are you serious? You broke the lock when we were kids, dickberry. It hasn't worked in years. How would I know that you broke it? What the hell are you doing? Fucking? Let go dude.
Speaker 2:Since you like to sabotage things like a Bond villain, you are no longer allowed to leave the goddamn truck. So you zip, tie my left hand to the door. Yes, what if I have to piss? There's an empty bottle there by your feet. If you have to go, stick your little willy in there. My apologies, are you post-operation? I'll get you a shiwi while I'm inside, unless you would prefer a diaper. You know this is literal kidnapping, right, I know, and it's kind of exciting, I'll grab you somebody when I'm inside. Watch your feet asshole the fuck man. Noah's straight-up lost shit. Phone call, phone call. Get the fucking thing. Call for help. You, son of a bitch. Oops, fuck, I missed it. Angry Grego.
Speaker 1:Kirsten, you can outrun the devil, but you ain't gonna outrun me the Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and directed by Ben Gaddafi.
Speaker 4:Episode 4 he's always on his phone Glued to it.
Speaker 5:Jesus, all this work for a man who used to pronounce my name Kirsten oh, tell me about it, he always called me Mia Drove me crazy. Don't get me wrong. I loved the old bastard, but preparing for someone's funeral while his two boys are out fingering each other has me a little pissed off. Speak of the devil. Hello Kirsten Isaac. Where is Noah the devil? Hello, kirsten Isaac where is Noah?
Speaker 4:Noah's fucking lost it. Okay, Turn it on speakerphone.
Speaker 2:He left me in the truck and zip-tied me to the door handle. I'm pretty sure he's buying a shovel and finding a small child to take the blame when he buries my ass.
Speaker 5:He what.
Speaker 2:Zip-tied me to the fucking truck.
Speaker 4:What did you do, Isaac?
Speaker 5:Who is that? It's Gabriel.
Speaker 2:Who the fuck?
Speaker 5:is that it's Maya Maya, like Maya Maya? Yes, now what the fuck is going on?
Speaker 2:Well, Kirsten, your husband has gone nuts and zip-tied me to the truck door.
Speaker 5:How many times do I have to say this? Why did he zip-tie you to the door?
Speaker 2:Because he's three whippets shy of being mentally handicapped. I don't know.
Speaker 4:He totally did something, oh guaranteed.
Speaker 2:Why would you assume I did something?
Speaker 4:Isaac, we know your family, we know you.
Speaker 5:That silence is the sound of guilt.
Speaker 2:Isaac, Fuck you guys Call the police. I'm being held against my will. I think that's a little more important. Where are you guys? I think on Highway 30 somewhere, maybe Julesburg. What does it matter?
Speaker 4:Highway 30? Why didn't you take the interstate?
Speaker 2:How many people am I talking to?
Speaker 4:There's three of us, but why take Highway 30? The speed limit's only 55. Pete, who the fuck is Pete? No, this is Gabe Isaac. When are you?
Speaker 5:back.
Speaker 2:Now, who's this?
Speaker 4:Maya.
Speaker 2:My ex-Maya. Well, this is awkward.
Speaker 5:Isaac focus. What the hell is taking you guys so long? Jesus, Kirsten, take me off the speakerphone. All I want to know is if you guys are on your way back yet, why are there so many people at your house? I heard like nine people butt in Because we are going through photos for your dad's funeral, something that you two dickheads should be doing right now and they all had to listen in. God damn it. Kirsten, like your brother, I'm gonna break your nose.
Speaker 2:Well, lucky for me, Noah already did that.
Speaker 5:What, why? You know what? Just don't answer that.
Speaker 4:What happened?
Speaker 5:Uh, apparently Isaac's nose is broken. What, how he collided with Noah's fist.
Speaker 2:I would presume you boys get back here in one piece. Do you hear me Tell that to your crazy-ass husband? Who are you talking to and why the hell do you look like you're farting in the air?
Speaker 5:vent, I mean it. Do you both want to learn how to spell eunuch?
Speaker 2:It's your wife. She wants to know how to spell eunuch. What E-U-N-U-C-H? She's a fucking literary major. What the hell is she asking?
Speaker 5:Just quit fucking around and get home safe. I am done playing mother to a couple of baboons.
Speaker 2:Why are you on the phone with my wife Easy there, psycho. She wanted to know where we were. Oh, oh here I got you some food Heads up. Oh, I love them. You hit me in the nose. I'm well aware. Give me the phone, you fucking dick. Oh God, I think I'm bleeding again. Hey, baby, we'll be home here in a few hours, I promise.
Speaker 5:Just quit fucking around and don't let Isaac near any mechanical parts. Sure thing, I love you. I love you too. Children, they're both children.
Speaker 2:Hey, give me your knife. No, what am I going to do? Stab you. I don't know how hard you're coming down on whatever fucking drugs you've been on. Yeah, give me the knife so I can kill us all. I want to cut myself free. Noah, I'm still strapped to the fucking door here. I want this back, thank you.
Speaker 2:So Maya still hangs out with you guys? Well, yeah, she's Gabriel's stepsister. Just because you two stop diddling each other doesn't mean we're going to kick her out of our lives too. So she hangs out there regularly. I guess why? I'm just curious. Oh, do you miss her? Shut up. Good luck with that. Yeah, she's got a boyfriend anyway, doesn't she? Some prick named Lucas. The guy needs to be hit by a fucking Buick. Really, how Well? I would imagine someone would press their foot on the accelerator really, really hard until it couldn't go down any farther and they aim for him as he's crossing the fucking street. Dude, you know what I mean? He's super controlling. He talks down to her. It's that kind of shit. I'm surprised Maya hasn't laid him the fuck out yet. So sounds like they're breaking up soon then. Huh, you don't stand a chance. Queef McQueen, why not? Why not? You ghosted her. You honestly think she would take you back after you just up and left her for Colorado. Yeah, good point.
Speaker 1:Good point.
Speaker 2:I'm agreeing with you. Still funny, I fucked up. I know that Fucked up is putting it lightly. What's that supposed to mean? Isaac, you quit your accounting gig with the city to become some junky Instagram model. Your detective skills are amazing. You're doing great. Okay, here's what I know. You do not work, you do not pay taxes. All you do is snowboard and get high. You contribute nothing to society and you rub it in everybody's fucking face. That's seriously how you view my life. Yes, why? I just told you why no, why do you think that's what I'm doing with my life? Because that's how your life really is. So I'm just some unemployed, fucking snowboard junkie. You know how much a season pass on the mountain actually is? I'd imagine free if you give the right guy a tug in the parking lot, never mind. Where's that sandwich? God, this looks like shit. Is this thing even edible? I eat them all the time. You'll be fine. You've also eaten canned dog food. When you were drunk, dude, I thought it was tuna. Tuna doesn't smell and taste like fart, noah, fine.
Speaker 3:I'll eat the sandwich Mmm. Just as good as dog food.
Speaker 2:Did you get anything else? Nope, what? No, I did not.
Speaker 3:No chips, anything, nope, I ate my sandwich in the store.
Speaker 1:I got one for you and a couple of sodas here. Here you go, champ.
Speaker 3:Gee, thanks, no problem. Well, you have a few, but who's counting, am I right, god, you're hysterical. I know God gave me a gift. He gave you crabs, and now, if you be a good boy and stop talking, I'll get you treated the next time.
Speaker 2:Oh, fuck you.
Speaker 3:Oh, fuck you.
Speaker 5:I swear to God that those two are the worst together.
Speaker 4:So Noah broke his nose and zip-tied him to the truck.
Speaker 5:How much of that is bullshit, though? My guess is none of it.
Speaker 4:What they have always had a fucked-up relationship. Fucked-up is putting it mildly. Well, I knew they argued all the time, but I haven't heard of anything like this. Isaac never mentioned anything while we were dating, at least, oh God, the stories I could tell you. Isaac ain't gonna mention much, because usually it was just him getting his ass kicked Really. Yeah, Gabe is right. Well, that explains why he was so dead set on watching John Wick movies when he would come home from a family function. Eh nah, he's probably just watching Tybo infomercials. Shit, it's Lucas. I have to leave.
Speaker 5:You know, it's not a good sign that you become depressed when your boyfriend calls you no. He just gets a bit pissy when I'm not with him, you mean, he's an asshole.
Speaker 4:I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 5:He deserves a severe beating Maya. Whatever, I'll call you guys later. Maya, come here. What? Kirsten? I'm just going to throw this out there. I totally know a guy with a pig farm, if you ever need him to just disappear.
Speaker 1:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies. Starring Tim Welsh, Ben Gaddafi, Samantha Johnson, Ren Soren, Katie Lee Rumpf, Tessa Thompson, Alexander Hamilton, Ryan Rumpf, Nick Vodka, Jason Flynn. Written and directed by Ben Gaddafi.