What's the damage? 29. 29?, fuck you. I'm just stealing my fucking wallet, you don't like?
Speaker 3:it I can take you to Thumpback.
Speaker 1:Whoa, whoa, whoa, fine, fuck man, here's your fucking money. Fucking psycho. Ugh, these fucking people.
Speaker 2:There's something a man despises about hitching a ride from someone. They feel they aren't in control of the situation. But sometimes a man must face the fact that they are the very reason control was lost in the first place. This is Noah. He's a hyper-intelligent man with a passion stronger than Atlas, trying to hold up the world. His anger, however, makes him one of the dumbest fucks this side of the Mississippi. See, noah got in a heated argument with his wife the night before he decided to test fate. Well, let's see what fate has in store for a man letting anger make the decision for him.
Speaker 4:Hey, there see you hoofing it. Looks to me like you need a vehicle. Nope, not interested. Oh, of course you're not interested yet I could pique your interest really quick. I can tell you're a man of taste.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, can you also tell I'm about to get an assault charge for putting your teeth down your goddamn throat, all righty.
Speaker 5:Okay, I see you're humping. It Looks to me like you need a new vehicle.
Speaker 1:Fuck off you fuckers hunting packs. Get a new script, dude.
Speaker 6:Hey, hey guys. No, no, no new script. Dude Guys, we're just admiring the work on your truck. Oh yeah, oh, hey, hey, steve, answer the phone. Gabe, what do you mean? Yeah, four blown tires, four bent rims, axle damage and a dead pigeon in the grill. The guys are gonna talk some shit. Matter of fact, I was talking shit with them. Let them I make more than they do. The dealership isn't a place you want to say that too loud. Nothing but vultures around here.
Speaker 1:Damn. They tried to figure me already and you turned them down. What I think? I'd rather be taken out back and shot.
Speaker 8:Well, they would still get in there, buddy, and take your billfold.
Speaker 1:Billfold, what are you fucking? 90?
Speaker 8:You're so funny, Noah.
Speaker 1:You still dating lick-ass Maya.
Speaker 8:His name is Lucas.
Speaker 6:And yes, I am. Why? What do you mean? Because he hasn't ghosted her yet, like your brother. Fair enough.
Speaker 8:Fuck you here. Toyota's done.
Speaker 1:Saw your truck, Noah. How'd you manage to get quarters in the radiator? I hit a couple parking meters. Fuck you for asking.
Speaker 6:Why am I not surprised? Sure, you didn't just forget to tighten the lug. Nuts again, hardy, fucking hard.
Speaker 8:Hardy fucking hard and you make fun of me for saying billfold. Shut up, Gabe. Are Josh and Tyler working on the Cadillacs?
Speaker 6:Yeah, yeah, yeah, just please make sure they don't scratch the paint.
Speaker 8:I'm on it. Good to see you, Noah. Happy birthday.
Speaker 1:Yay me, what do.
Speaker 6:I owe you. Well, you know I'm not 100% sure yet. I did get you the employee discount but it's going to take a few days to get the rims in your wife. Cool with chauffeuring you around a bit.
Speaker 1:We'll find out. I kind of pissed her off already.
Speaker 6:You mean with the truck or something else?
Speaker 1:Well, I'm sure she already has a list of all my offenses.
Speaker 6:Well, that doesn't surprise me Not that I want to but if she refuses, I'll pick you up from work later. Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Gabe, it is your birthday, after all. It was either this or listen to you bitch and whine about it later.
Speaker 1:Fuck you douchebag. Call me later.
Speaker 6:I don't have to fucking pick you up, bud. I'll make sure I keep those lug nuts nice and loose for you. I know it's the way you like it.
Speaker 4:You look great in an SUV, is that?
Speaker 7:so what's your name?
Speaker 9:It's Kirsten. I can see that you look like a Kristen, kirsten.
Speaker 4:I can see you falling in love with a guy like me, Kristen.
Speaker 9:Are all of you guys dressed like a serial rapist?
Speaker 1:Oh, look at you Batting for both teams. Huh, what Shit. It's him. You were just hitting on me a second ago. Now you switch up to my fucking wife, your wife.
Speaker 9:Yep, pregnant to you. Fucking weirdo, don't get off my car, oh.
Speaker 1:Come on, kit, you don't want to fuck up your quota, do?
Speaker 9:you shut up and get in the car. Happy birthday, babe.
Speaker 1:Oh, and what a happy birthday I'm having.
Speaker 9:Hey, this is what happens when you drive your truck in a fit of rage. Now shut the hell up and accept the fact that I'm saying happy birthday at all.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, thank you, and thank you for picking me up.
Speaker 9:Have you heard from Isaac yet?
Speaker 1:My brother. He's probably busy doing a line off some dude's boner in an Applebee's bathroom. Run now, run better, run now. Keep on running till the sun goes down.
Speaker 10:Run now, run better. Run now, Run all day till you can be found.
Speaker 2:You can outrun the devil, but you ain't gonna outrun me. The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and directed by Ben Gaddafi. Meanwhile, at Noah's work, a co-worker drives him up the wall, already having a bad birthday. He just can't help but make matters worse. The poor bastard will soon find out how trivial all of this truly is.
Speaker 7:My wife and I took a little drive in the pickup this weekend.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yep, we like finding bridges to drive on.
Speaker 7:Sounds interesting. There's this bridge down by the zoo. It's called the Mormon Bridge. If you get a chance this weekend, you should drive over it.
Speaker 1:It's pretty neat, wait, the Mormon Bridge, yeah, the Mormon Bridge, the Mormon Bridge is on I-680, bud what North Omaha?
Speaker 1:the Warrants area near Ponca Hills. I grew up out there. What? The Mormon Bridge? Yes, the Mormon Bridge. I'm pretty sure the Mormon Bridge is down by the zoo near Council Bluffs. It goes over the Missouri down there. You know there are a couple bridges that cross the Missouri River down there. It's not the Mormon Bridge, not the Mormon Bridge. My God, man, I feel like I'm playing. Who's on First? What's on first? Now? No, who's on first, what's on second?
Speaker 7:No, never mind. Never mind, oh, you mean that old Babe Costello.
Speaker 1:Are you fucking kidding me? Lou, lou Costello, what? Bud Abbott, lou Costello, brad Abbott, babe Costello Are you? You can't be this fucking stupid. I don't think you know who wrote what's on first. Who, who what? This has got to be a joke, noah. Roll call. It's not the fucking Mormon Bridge, benny, I'm pretty sure it is. You're a fucking idiot. Mr Frederick Noah called me an idiot. He sure did.
Speaker 5:I'll be right outside Let me know when you're done. That's suspicious, Jacob. What's up? Just take the phone call. Who is it? Just pick up the phone.
Speaker 1:If this is some birthday sing-a-gram, shit dude, I swear to God?
Speaker 5:No, it's not. You yell every year about how you don't want anything and none of us fucking get you anything. Is this retaliation?
Speaker 1:for Benny, then I've tried to be nice to him. It's not my fault, he's half-tarded.
Speaker 5:It's not his fault either. You know that he had that stroke when he was reading Charlotte's Web.
Speaker 1:I didn't say the whole word, I said half-tarded. There's a big difference. There's a big difference.
Speaker 5:The only thing tarted is what just came out of your mouth. Now pick up the phone. Simple, jack, am I fired or something? If I was gonna fire you, it would have been a long fucking time ago. Then what is it? God damn it. Noah, just pick up the fucking phone and take the phone. Call, are?
Speaker 1:you fucking with me. I'm I'm walking out.
Speaker 5:What the fuck is going on this is Noah, yeah what.
Speaker 11:That happened this morning. No, I'm fine.
Speaker 1:Thank you, officer, I do appreciate the call.
Speaker 5:Fuck, I don't know what you said. You all right, noah, my dad just died. Yeah, they told me before I came to get you. How did he end up? Passing An aneurysm, I guess. Noah, if you want to go home for the day, you are more than welcome. I can get Benny to rub his two brain cells together and cover the rest of the shift, noah.
Speaker 1:Dude, I think I'd much rather just finish out my shift, that's alright. Don't think going home would be the best thing right now?
Speaker 5:Are you sure you only have a couple things to put away and inventory can wait. I'm not going to have Benny do it, I'm sure.
Speaker 11:I appreciate the offer, man. It's the worst thing for me right now. It would be to go home and wallow in my own self-pity.
Speaker 5:Whatever you want, just know the offer still stands, and I know it's probably not the time, but if you need to talk, dude, I'm here. I appreciate it, jacob, thank you, seriously, not a problem. You owe me a new fucking office phone, though. Shit, dude, I'm so sorry. Office phone though. Ah, shit, dude, I'm so sorry, jacob. I'm already tense and this just made me fly right off the handle. Dude, I'm sorry. Hey, I get it, I'm just fucking with you. Anyways, I have an extra in the parts room. Now go and make sure Benny hasn't set the place on fire, please.
Speaker 10:All right man.
Speaker 1:Are you still sweeping? God damn it, benny. Well, yeah, I had your area in mind. It's twice the work. You know. There's only this pile left. What the hell have you been doing? Oh, sweeping. Hey Noah, why do they call them sperm whales? It's kind of dirty when you think about it. You know, I saw this TV special about sperm whales and they said they were dinosaurs. Dinosaurs lived on land. So that can't be true.
Speaker 5:Jake, I changed my mind.
Speaker 2:Noah just got delivered some soul-crushing news about his daddy. Now I may not be the smartest man, but I'd say this would only add to Noah's frustration Seeing how he deals with day-to-day stress. There's a life lesson here. Be the smartest man, but I'd say this would only add to Noah's frustration seeing how he deals with day to day stress. There's a life lesson here, but it just flies right over his head.
Speaker 1:Thanks, jacob, I owe you one man If you don't owe me shit.
Speaker 5:Just let me know if you need anything else We'll be fine.
Speaker 1:Better go make sure Benny didn't stick his dick in the electric socket while you were out Fuck.
Speaker 9:Alright, I'm so sorry. It's been one hell of a birthday, huh. Is there anything I can do?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:It's fine.
Speaker 9:No, it's not fine. Your dad just died. I can't imagine what you're going through.
Speaker 1:Well, continuously talking about it isn't helping.
Speaker 9:Uh, excuse me, Do you want to check your tone?
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help.
Speaker 9:I get it. You don't want to talk. I'll give you a pass on this one. Tell you what why don't you go take a hot shower and I'll get dinner going?
Speaker 1:I think I'm just going to go grab a beer and head to the garage for a bit.
Speaker 9:You do you, I'll be right here.
Speaker 11:You'll be waiting in the entryway.
Speaker 9:Oh shut it, mister, don't make me poison your food, only if I'll be waiting in the entryway.
Speaker 1:Oh, shut it, mister, don't make me poison your food. Only if I can be so lucky.
Speaker 9:Oh hey, by the way, you have a bunch of mail. It looks like you got a package from Isaac.
Speaker 1:Fucking wonderful.
Speaker 9:Oh, shut up, I'd be happy that he sent you anything.
Speaker 1:Hey, Kirsten.
Speaker 9:Yeah, baby.
Speaker 1:I love you, thank you.
Speaker 11:Quit being a little bitch and go listen to bad music in the garage. Did you miss me? Alright, isaac, let's see what weird bullshit you got me this year.
Speaker 5:What the hell is this? Tampons that son of a bitch. Here's a cupboard, Don't fuffle you little shit, hey.
Speaker 11:happy birthday, Noah.
Speaker 1:I know how much you love to overreact, so I got you something to help with that, open your fountain shaped gift and get ready for a surprise.
Speaker 11:If there is a dildo in this tube, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 9:Hey, did you hear what the fuck happened to you?
Speaker 1:I'm still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 9:Looks like a stripper, farted on you.
Speaker 5:I'm gonna fucking kill Isaac, that's why I'm here.
Speaker 9:Has he called you yet?
Speaker 1:Nope, and he's definitely gonna get a fucking phone call from me, though. Happy birthday, fuckface Dude. What the fuck I take it? You got my present, dude. I'm gonna kill you, figured you'd like it.
Speaker 5:Isaac, I swear to God.
Speaker 1:Shut up. You sent me a box of human shit on my birthday.
Speaker 5:Dude, I swear to.
Speaker 1:God, dude, I have something to tell you. Isaac, isaac, For the love of God, dad's fucking dead. What I found out a couple hours ago. Dad passed away this morning. Oh my God, how Aneurysm. They said he collapsed in the yard, holy shit. Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to the mortuary tomorrow to find out when the service is.
Speaker 3:Keep me posted. Man, what mortuary.
Speaker 1:John A.
Speaker 11:Gentleman.
Speaker 1:How are you doing? Are you alright? I will be. I'm still trying to process all this and now, thanks to you, I look like a stripper farted on me, don't you be?
Speaker 3:taking my lines. Time to get a glitter bomb. Happy birthday, I guess.
Speaker 11:Yeah, whoopty fucking fuck.
Speaker 1:I'll call you tomorrow. I love you like a sister, little brother. Okay, asshole, I'll call you tomorrow.
Speaker 3:Sounds good man.
Speaker 9:So how'd he take it?
Speaker 1:Like he didn't have a glitter bomb go off in his face.
Speaker 9:Well, please clean yourself up before you come back in. That shit is a pain in the ass to clean and I don't want it all over the house.
Speaker 11:That little prick. I'm gonna throw him in Dad's casket for this one.
Speaker 5:The fuck just happened, jesus Christ.
Speaker 8:I got it to light, but this lighter's on its last legs. What's wrong? Oh my god, are you gonna throw up? Please don't tell me you're gonna throw up.
Speaker 3:I don't want to have to babysit the drunk guy.
Speaker 8:My dad just died. What, oh my god.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry, thank you. Did you just throw a whole joint on the ground and stomp it out?
Speaker 10:Yeah, I did.
Speaker 8:Is there anything I can do?
Speaker 1:God, I don't know, I think, I'm just still in shock.
Speaker 8:I get it. I don't know how I'd take that news either, God it's just so wild.
Speaker 3:I talked to him yesterday.
Speaker 8:I will totally have sympathy sex with you if you want.
Speaker 1:Hey answer your phone from time to time. Dick milk Delivery for you. I shut off my fucking phone. I think Isaac made some Craigslist ad with my number on it. I keep getting calls for some fucking fruit cup bondage marathons. Whatever the fuck that means what.
Speaker 6:Fucking gross dude. I was going to call your wife to get a hold of you, but it seems like you need to call Jesus. Shut up. Is this Dad's truck? Sure the hell is. It's amazing, the thing still runs the way it does.
Speaker 1:I finished his tune-up the night before he passed, so I couldn't give it back man, this little shitbox just needed a tune-up.
Speaker 6:That's surprising. What's surprising? It has 400,000 miles on it. How long has he had it Since I was a kid? But, damn, he did so much work on it over the years. I think that was when I just met you guys. Yep, you had just moved down the street from us. I seem to recall your dad named the truck, didn't he have a name for it?
Speaker 1:Loretta, he could never fix this goddamn lock though.
Speaker 6:You couldn't either. Could you Honestly forgot about it? It broke a couple months after he bought it, though, didn't it? I vaguely remember that from when we were kids.
Speaker 1:Isaac and his dumbass friends broke it playing cops and robbers.
Speaker 6:You know, I actually do remember that.
Speaker 1:Little dickhead tried blaming me for it and I was at the lake with mom that day I could hear Isaac screaming down the street.
Speaker 6:Shit, that was hilarious, fucking banshee cry.
Speaker 1:The kid could shatter glass.
Speaker 6:Little shit blamed everything on me, yeah, but he got busted that time, speaking of which, how did he take the news?
Speaker 1:He barely said a fucking word. Really, yeah, really, wow. Sorry to hear that man. You're a good friend, Gabe. Thank you Really. Wow, Sorry to hear that man. You're a good friend, Gabe, Thank you.
Speaker 6:Thank you for grabbing this Dude, don't worry about it. Tom was basically my dad too. I mean, maya and I were at your house almost every single day. I mean, your mom even had a place at the table for us. I was even a pallbearer at her funeral too, and I appreciate that, brother.
Speaker 1:I really do. Speaking of which, do you have time to come to the mortuary with me?
Speaker 6:I got you covered there too. Your wife called me this morning since you're too busy having phone sex. Everything is covered, I guess what Cost of the casket, funeral, everything.
Speaker 1:How he lost his fucking life insurance when the meatpacking plant closed.
Speaker 6:You got me. They said it was an anonymous party, so maybe somebody higher up in the plant felt obligated, who knows? The good news is everything's paid for, so we just need to organize everybody. You down to carry the old bastard's casket. You know it, I can get my dad too.
Speaker 1:I don't even want to call him, but I'll let Isaac know that fucker sent me a goddamn glitter bomb yesterday and I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 6:You gotta admit it is pretty good timing. Terrible timing. Get the fuck out of here. Hey, your dad just died.
Speaker 1:Happy birthday I just found out my dad died. I didn't think I'd end up looking like some fucking stripper farted on me.
Speaker 6:Well, I laughed, oh I will be when I fucking hurt him. Take me back to work before you call him. I do not want to hear you two bitch back and forth Worse than a couple of white girls on Cinco de Mayo. I kind of want to break his nose. I'm not going to lie. Hey, just wait until after the funeral. Think about it. Your wife goes into labor placenta in the pews, me gagging. Nobody needs that, especially me Please. Not funny.
Speaker 1:Get in Loretta and shut the fuck up. I'll drive you back to work.
Speaker 6:Do you want me to go ahead and fix that lock when we get back in the shop?
Speaker 2:Nah, it's kinda nostalgic at this point Getting possession of his childhood truck, noah started feeling a little better about everything. Sometimes a man just needs to remember the good times he had with family and get his mind clear. Brothers always know how to get under each other's skin, so for Noah to slip into a better mood, daddy's truck was just the right medicine. God forbid Isaac presses any more buttons.
Speaker 1:When you finally come out, we're gonna teach you so much about how your mom's side of the family is nuts. If you meet a man named Chuck, run far away. He will fill your head with the most random shit.
Speaker 9:Don't swear when you talk to the baby.
Speaker 1:How else am I supposed to communicate with him?
Speaker 9:I don't know. Write it a letter or something. Just don't swear at him when you're laying on my belly.
Speaker 1:Don't listen to her. I'm going to teach you all the ways to use the word fuck in a sentence.
Speaker 9:I mean it, get your head off my belly if you're going to talk like that.
Speaker 1:Shit fuck camel toe ass donkey cunt.
Speaker 9:Ow, I warned you, knock it off.
Speaker 1:You tried to assault me with that book again. I'm going to plant Isaac's cocaine on you and I will call the sheriff. What are you reading anyway?
Speaker 9:The Butcher of Bronson Street.
Speaker 1:Sounds like a Sweeney Todd ripoff. Is the author RL Stine oh for fuck, god damn it. Oh, not so easy, is it? Shut up and let me read. Now's probably a good time to tell you your mother is illiterate, so I will probably be the one to teach you how to read.
Speaker 9:Oh my God, Did you call your brother and give him the details? Yet Shit Language.
Speaker 1:Can you call him? I can picture him ugly crying, already Suck it up and call Isaac.
Speaker 9:Okay, he deserves the details from his own brother.
Speaker 1:Fine, hello. Hey, little brother, I got word from the mortuary today. Yeah, I guess somebody already paid for the whole thing, so I'm not going to need any money from you. Well, that's good it works out, because I know you probably spent it all on blow. Anyway, why do you always assume I'm this fucking degenerate junkie dickhead? Well, when you spend all your time posting pictures of you smoking weed on Instagram the amount of posts I know you don't have a job. Great detective work Officer Dippy. How do you know about my Instagram? Anyway, you use a flip phone, kirsten shows me when you upload your onesie photos.
Speaker 9:Quit picking a fight. Just tell him what he needs to know.
Speaker 1:Sorry, it's alright. What? No, I'm talking to my wife. It's alright. What? Noah, I'm talking to my wife. Wake is on Friday, funeral's on Saturday. Just make sure you're here by Thursday.
Speaker 1:I'll buy you a suit. Why would you buy me a suit? Uh, you're gonna be a pallbearer so you need to look sharp. I can't have you dressed like. You're high on molly, noah, don't argue, isaac, it's a funeral. We need to match anyway. So I'll get it. It's fine, noah, I'm not coming. What? I can't? What do you mean? You can't? It's Dad's funeral. I don't know if I can handle another parental funeral. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you aren't going to understand. I just feel I would crumble if I were there. I wouldn't be any help. So let me get this straight. You refuse to go to your father's funeral because you're afraid of how it's gonna make you feel. I knew you weren't gonna understand. Oh, I understand. This is the most self-centered bullshit I think I've ever heard. I'll send flowers, isaac. I swear to Christ, if you do not come to this, I'm gonna bury you with him. He fucking hung up, the fucking prick hung up.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, here we go. Oh, I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 9:Remember when the counselor told you to sit and breathe when you're upset? I'm not upset, I'm pissed. Baby, calm down, sit down and put your arms above your head. Noah, it's gonna be okay. You hear me? There's no need to worry about Isaac at the moment. We're gonna get through this.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:That spoiled little shit is not gonna skip out on his father's funeral. Noah, I'm gonna go get him For fuck's sake, noah, he's 700 miles away.
Speaker 9:Don't you dare leave this fucking house right now. Kirsten, I am sorry I have to. Noah, you asshole, I don't want you driving pissed off. That's why your truck is in the shop in the first place. Noah, I'll be back in a day or so. Fuck, are you gay or something? Fuck, they're both fucking assholes. Son of a bitch, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Speaker 3:Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Oh, what the fuck? Holy shit Fuck dude. What the?
Speaker 8:hell, God. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh my God, there's blood everywhere.
Speaker 1:You deserve that. I hope you know that I'm fucking bleeding. Dude, I have your attention now, though don't I? How the hell did you get in here? The window was open. Could have fucking knocked, bro I did on your face. Notice the pain you're experiencing. The window was open, you could've fucking knocked, bro I did on your face, Notice the pain you're experiencing. Fuck, it's definitely broken. Fucker, fucker, ugh. Hold on, hold on, stop. Oh shit, oh shit, calm down, that's my brother, fuck.
Speaker 9:Your brother. Yes, what kind of fucked up Fight Club family is this Fuck man?
Speaker 1:I think she broke a fucking rib. Good, I hope she did.
Speaker 8:God damn it. I'm fucking leaving. This shit is too weird for me.
Speaker 2:Family reunions can be tough, especially when your face collides with your brother's fist. Noah and Isaac can never seem to get along. A death in the family you'd think would bring unity. These two don't have the emotional capacity to brush things off. They're polar opposites that have one thing in common they're both assholes.
Speaker 1:You got an ice pack. If I did, it'd be in the freezer now, wouldn't it? I'm using a steak you don't know how to cook anyway. You're literally just trying to add insult to injury. I had no idea your nose could bleed so much. You owe me new sheets, dude.
Speaker 3:Sorry about all this Dahlia.
Speaker 8:Call me later Isaac.
Speaker 1:Sorry for scaring you, darling. Don't even start, Noah.
Speaker 1:I'm not your darling dickhead, well what should I call you then, dahlia? Why did I ask Isaac, can you hurry the fuck up? How's your back feel? She's cute? Did you meet her in the police station? Do not be an asshole for two fucking seconds. Only if you tell me what her asshole looks like, is it bleached? Oh, fuck off. Noah, no, fuck you. Now pack a fucking bag and get in the goddamn truck. Why does it matter so much if I come or not? You don't even fucking like me. No, I love you Because I have to, but this isn't for you and I. This is bigger than us. Here comes the guilt trip. This is for Thomas Peterson, our father, the man who bent over backwards for us, his entire life yeah well, so did Mom, and we respected her with a proper funeral.
Speaker 1:Now we're going to do the same thing for Dad. You inconsiderate, prick Inconsiderate. You just broke into my apartment Because you refused to come home. What's your point? My point you just assaulted me in my bed and scared Dahlia half to death, to the point she had to defend me with a fucking baseball bat. That's my point, you mook. You have women fighting all your battles for you, mama's boy. I'm surprised you remember this one's name. Oh, fuck you. No, fuck you. Now go pack your stuffed animals and your Taylor Swift CDs so we can go. No one uses compact discs anymore. Dude, dude, I don't give a shit. You were absolutely psychotic. You know that you drove throughout the middle of the night to come kidnap your brother. For what? To prove a point To who? Yourself? You want to be real careful with your next few words Isaac, oh, what Can?
Speaker 7:the big strong man not handle a funeral by himself. Get bent.
Speaker 3:That's it, fine, I'll go pack a bag you happy.
Speaker 1:Jesus Want me to find some Prozac while I'm at it. What was that? Nothing, love you. Whoa hold on. Is this Dad's truck? Yep.
Speaker 7:How did you get it?
Speaker 1:It was awarded to the son who wanted to go to his funeral. Is that comment necessary? Yep, you know this trip would be a lot easier if you quit being so fucking confrontational. Is that the Denver pussy speaking? Are you going to tell me how to focus my chi? Shred some gnar. Sticky, sticky dickhole bro. It's sticky gnar. You know what? Never mind, whatever, it all sounds like a circle jerk to me. Forget, I spoke. I usually do. Why are you taking Highway 30? The speed limit's like 55. I thought you'd appreciate taking the long way home, since you were so adamant on not coming home in the first place.
Speaker 3:Doesn't mean I want to sit in a silent truck with my loving older brother.
Speaker 1:Can we at least turn on the radio in this shitbox? No, why not? I just drove 700 miles in a truck with over 400,000 miles on it, at an average speed of 100 miles an hour. So, so I want to take the strain off the engine on the way back. I need to listen to it. I'll just keep talking. Then Do that and I'll hog tie you and throw you in the bed of the truck. The rest of the way Seems a bit excessive. But okie dokie, point taken, can we at least stop for something to eat? I'm starving. Nope, we'll grab some pork grains on the next stop. We have plenty of time, man. Let's stop for one meal. You probably haven't eaten since last night either, I'm sure kidnapping builds up an appetite.
Speaker 1:I think you have a mouse, a cookie, what, no, no, what. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh Jesus, save me from this man. Noah, I know you're tired. I can see the luggage under your eyes. It looks like you're flying to Beirut. Food will probably help keep you awake for the drive. You're probably right, I'll stop at the next town. Thank you, we wouldn't be in this situation if you would just have agreed to come home. Not my fault, you're fucking mental. Want to bet I got 50 bucks on your uncanny ability to avoid saying you're wrong.
Speaker 10:Look, we will stop but if you try anything funny, I'm gonna zip tie you to the passenger door. All right, uh.
Speaker 1:What the hell are you doing? Sending a text With a flip phone To whom? My wife. What does it matter? It matters because the constant beeping of your archaic phone is driving me up the fucking wall. What are you trying to type? I'm telling her we're going to be home by 3 pm tonight.
Speaker 3:Sent. She knows when we'll be home.
Speaker 1:What? Why are you looking at me like that? What are you doing with my wife's number? What? What the hell are you doing with my wife's number? I asked for pictures of her beeve. Relax, dude, it's my sister-in-law. You jealous bastard. Of course I have her number. I don't know why I'd be jealous of a man who picks up lot lizards named Dahlia. Whatever dude, that chick's hot as fuck, not too bright, though you know, dahlia is the symbol for dignity. What of it? Well, not too much dignity in a three-day dick-bender with your dumbass. You really want to pick a fight in public right now. What's the matter, isaac? You afraid somebody's going to overhear that you've got herpes. You're such a dick. At least my dick is disease free. Does it make you feel better sleeping with those loose women?
Speaker 7:You're just pissed.
Speaker 1:You got your ass kicked by a 100 pound woman. She came out of the shadows like the goddamn bear Jew and hit me with a baseball bat. I wouldn't necessarily say that was a fair fight.
Speaker 3:Repeatedly.
Speaker 1:You forgot to say repeatedly Whatever, at least I'm not sleeping with Tweedle dumbass like she is. It's frightening how funny you think you are. Look, I got breakfast. You get the tip. I'm gonna go use the restroom, finish your food, pay the tip, check the oil in the truck. I'm gonna be a minute. Yes, sir Rick.
Speaker 10:Is this food okay?
Speaker 4:This'll do just fine, darling. Thank you. How are you honey? Oh, I've had better days. My rig broke down just outside of Colton.
Speaker 8:Well, ain't that just a pit?
Speaker 4:Yes, ma'am, I'm hauling machine parts that have to be delivered on location by Thursday. Sounds like your only mechanic in town is booked for the next couple days.
Speaker 8:Yeah, there isn't much around here, so Tommy gets pretty busy with the highway traffic.
Speaker 2:Seems like.
Speaker 4:Well, you got any recommendations for recreation around here.
Speaker 8:Well, we have a dancer's club, the Wintergreen Wallaby, and we have a couple of bars, but that's about it.
Speaker 11:I'll be sure to check them out.
Speaker 4:Thanks again, Darlin.
Speaker 3:Oh, the things you hear while eavesdropping Did you check the oil, yep, all good.
Speaker 7:Do you even know how I probably should have asked you before I had you do it?
Speaker 1:I know how to check the oil. Yep, all good. Do you even know how? I probably should have asked you before I had you do it. I know how to check the fucking oil. Noah, what the fuck did you do?
Speaker 3:What.
Speaker 1:What the fuck did you do to the truck? This truck is almost as old as dirt and you think it's my fault? Fuck, did you stick fruit in the tailpipe or something? I didn't axle fully? The fucking truck, noah, are you seriously checking for fruit, isaac? Are you seriously checking for fruit?
Speaker 9:Isaac Noah.
Speaker 1:Dude, I swear to God, what did you do? It's a 40-year-old truck. Shit's bound to happen, not when Gabe just worked on it. Fuck, maybe he forgot something. Son of a bitch. Calm down, dude. You're sabotaging little shit. I leave you alone for ten minutes with the truck and now it won't start. This is fucking great, just fucking great. Call a mechanic. It's Little America. I'm sure even Granny Mae serving up grits in there is a fucking mechanic. Get the fuck out of here, dude. The woman's built like a Buick. Have her come out and take a look. Quit being a fucking smartass and look up a shopper on your fucking phone no service, sorry. You just texted my wife. I got lucky. It went through.
Speaker 7:Just go inside and ask Fuck.
Speaker 1:Two days. You can't look at it any sooner. I have to get to my father's funeral. Yeah, I appreciate it, brother. We're at the Highland Motel at by, yeah, yep, just by the diner.
Speaker 2:Yep, room 9. Thank you, bye.
Speaker 1:Great Stuck with Captain Dirty Dick. You know, I'm genuinely impressed with the durability of that phone after having you as an owner More reliable than my brother. Great joke, bill Burr Wasn't a joke. Whatever man Sounds like, we're stuck here for a minute or two. Huh, stop reminding me, dude. I'm gonna go take a shower and then call Kirsten to come get us. Don't fuck with my toiletries, what like? I'm gonna piss in your shaving cream or something. Your dick's small enough. You wish R Kelly. What about the truck? R Kelly did the pissing. Wait what? Oh Jesus, I'm having a Benny flashback. Look, I can pay for whatever needs to be done and get it after the funeral.
Speaker 1:Kirsten's stuck doing all the prep work for it and we gotta be there to help her. Neato, it's your fault. We're in the mess in the first place. My fault, how is it? My fault, dude? I told you to check the oil and all of a sudden the truck won't start. I can't prove it, but you know you had something to do with the sabotage of the goddamn trip. I appreciate the trust you have in me, dude. Whatever I'm jumping in the shower, you should call her now. What? Yeah, call Kirsten now, before you forget why I want to hear her rip you a new asshole. You call her, remember you have her number. Nah, I'm good on that.
Speaker 5:She scares the shit out of me.
Speaker 11:That's what I thought, what I'm gonna kill him, fuck this.
Speaker 5:I don't know if the mind trick is used on this place. But if he tries that shit on me I'll fucking brain him.
Speaker 1:He has to be adopted. He has to leave. There's so fucking many of the Peterson genes in that asshole's body. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a bastard son of Ted Kaczynski. Why the fuck do I care? Why do I even care about it? I'm coming to the fucking funeral.
Speaker 5:If it doesn't give a shit, why should I? Why am I standing here talking to myself? I always talk to myself when I'm hungry.
Speaker 11:I should just eat something. How the fuck will that little fuck find a place that's open?
Speaker 1:Hey.
Speaker 11:I had a thought.
Speaker 1:Shit when the hell did he go now? Oh great, what the hell does this note say? Dear Fuckface, as riveting listening to you shower may seem, I decided to get out of the room and find a bar. Love you Go, fuck yourself. Fucking little bastard, what'd I get? Yeah, where's the nearest bar? Hey, have you seen a goofy looking guy? Bruises under his eyes from a broken nose? Looks like he plays George Michael on repeat.
Speaker 8:Never mind, I can hear his mating call down there.
Speaker 1:Oh, you totally should Ever been to Denver. It's amazing this time of year Cool in the city, cold enough in the mountains to still ski or snowboard. Ah, shit, shit, shit. Here comes my brother who, get up, we're leaving, no dude. Here comes my brother. Hello, get up, we're leaving. No dude. I'm talking with someone. I met a friend.
Speaker 3:I don't believe I've actually caught your name.
Speaker 7:You are.
Speaker 8:My name is Harmony.
Speaker 1:Of course it is Harmony. That's a gorgeous name. My name's Isaac. This is my older special needs brother, noah.
Speaker 8:Nice to meet you.
Speaker 1:Let's go, dude. I'm talking with Harmony and having a drink. I'm not leaving. She's gonna drug the shit out of you and harvest your kidneys. Let's go.
Speaker 8:Oh, oh, no, I'm a vegetarian.
Speaker 1:What in the actual fuck?
Speaker 8:It means I don't eat meat.
Speaker 1:Congratulations, Isaac. She's dumber than the last one. You need some Xanax or something, bro, here have my beer.
Speaker 3:Maybe a miracle will happen with a little booze and you'll have a come-to-Jesus moment.
Speaker 1:So what do you do for a living Harmony?
Speaker 8:I'm a dancer.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's cool. What kind Ballet Cheerleader for the cowboys, maybe a backup dancer for Beyonce.
Speaker 8:No, no, no, I dance at the wintergreen wallaby this hurts to listen to.
Speaker 1:Don't mind him, he's a Neanderthal. Wintergreen wallaby that's a cool name. Why do they call it that? Probably because their c-section scars make them look like fucking marsupials what the fuck, noah?
Speaker 11:hey, you can't talk to my regulars like that buddy.
Speaker 1:I am so sorry.
Speaker 8:I'm gonna go sit over there.
Speaker 1:There's a pole in the corner. You can dry hump. You want me to play some? Color Me Bad. Oh my god, just stop. Yeah, you're right. She probably only dances to WAP Dude, would you shut off the dick switch for thirty fucking seconds. Oh, shut up, I just saved you from an itchy urethra. You're like an asshole fucking robot Must insult everyone. You can thank me later. Let's fucking go.
Speaker 11:That's probably a good idea, buddy.
Speaker 1:No, we're not leaving yet. Yes, we are. No, we're good, he's good, you're good, right.
Speaker 11:All right, get out of line again. You gotta go, buddy.
Speaker 1:Noah, our dad just died. I want to drink about it, and this is how I grieve. If you want to go back to the motel, by all means have at it. Hey, can I get a beer and two shots of whiskey please? Same thing for both of us. Sure thing, we are going to sit here and have a couple drinks. I don't trust you. We need to go back to the fucking motel. Look, bro, we are stuck here. We might as well make the best of it. We can celebrate the life of a great man. Dude, you just want to get drunk. Well, yeah, don't you? When was the last time you had a drink? When you wrecked your truck? Why does it matter? Easy, there, Hulk. I'm just saying you probably need more than that one beer. You just slammed.
Speaker 3:Think about it while I hypnotize you with this beer. You're stuck in a small town with a man you hate. Your dad just died. You have nothing better to do while you wait for the truck to be fixed. You have a tiny penis. You must drink about it.
Speaker 7:Think about it, Fuck it. I'm in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the spirit. Look, I'm sorry I bailed. I just needed out of the motel room. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic. Well, don't get used to this place. I don't want to be here all night. Cheers.
Speaker 3:Cheers to Thomas Peters. We remember a great man not in times of darkness, but we remember him in the light, for he was a Short and sweet Alright To Dad.
Speaker 1:Can we have two more over here? Oh fuck, yeah, yeah, hold on, I'm coming.
Speaker 11:Hold on what? Yeah, I had a chance to take a look at your truck this morning.
Speaker 1:Oh, sorry man.
Speaker 11:What's wrong with it? Well, nothing actually. I saw the ignition wire was unplugged. Oh really. Yeah plugged it back in, started right up. Here's your keys. I've got my boy to follow me here so you don't have to come to the shop. That kid is like eight. Yeah well, you've got to learn sometime, huh.
Speaker 1:God bless small towns. I appreciate it, man. What do I owe you?
Speaker 11:Not a thing, man, don't worry about it, just want to make sure you get back in time for your daddy's funeral. Thank you, man. I appreciate it no big deal. My condolences to you and your family. You have a blessed day, sir.
Speaker 1:You too. What the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 7:Wake up. I'm awake. What the fuck is the matter with you? Is that shaving cream?
Speaker 1:How the hell do you know how to unhook an ignition module A? What Ow? Stop fucking hitting me, dude. What the hell is the matter with you? The mechanic just dropped off the fucking truck Shit, so you admit it. I didn't want to come in the first place. Why not Help me understand this ridiculous bullshit? Funerals are a pointless ritual for the living. Everyone just gets together to pat each other on the back and brag about how well they knew the deceased. It's about paying respect to the deceased. No, it's about parading around the living and one-upping each other with who had the better story.
Speaker 3:Oh, you knew Bernie for ten years. I knew him for seventeen and a half. Yeah, well, I watched him be born because I was in the room.
Speaker 1:Nobody actually gives a shit about the deceased, it's just everyone one-upping each other because they're fucking dicks. You fucking finished, are you? I have shaving cream in my fucking eyeball, isaac, you fucking Neanderthal. It's our father. Fuck everyone else there. It's about him and only him. I will not sit by and let you disrespect him like this. Fine, fuck it. I knew you wouldn't get it, you're right. I don't Explain it to me, I already have. What I do get is that you are a pallbearer. If you do not come, you screwed up for the rest of us. I'm still coming, aren't I? I don't know, are you? You just woke me up by assaulting me again and expect me to have another fucking fight with you? I'm not doing this first thing in the morning, dude. Fine, I'll pull the truck over on the side of the road later and I'll beat your fucking ass. I'm gonna go load the truck. I fucking, I fucking hate you. Love you too, dickhead.
Speaker 2:With the truck working right along the road, again, the ultimate game of cat and mouse is going to ensue. Leaving these boys unattended can have dire effect on someone's mental fortitude. Just ask Kirsten, the poor woman has had to pull these boys apart with a broom more times than a dog sniffing another dog's ass. Noah has never trusted Isaac. Isaac can't sneeze without being called Judas, but that, my friends, is kind of justified.
Speaker 1:What are you looking for? A napkin for you? You look like you forgot to clean your chin. What, oh there they are yeah you look like you did some sexual favors for the hotel room. Reminds you of making the Dean's List in college there. Sasha Gray here. Let me see your phone. I'll take a picture.
Speaker 3:Here.
Speaker 1:There's nothing there. There sure isn't, but I distracted you long enough. Oh shit, what is he doing? I don't trust this fucking gorilla. Fuck, he's coming. Lock the door. Lock the door. Lock the door. Are you serious? You broke the lock when we were kids, Dickberry. It hasn't worked in years. How would I know that you broke it? What the hell are you serious? You broke the lock when we were kids, Dickberry. It hasn't worked in years. How would I know that you broke it? What the hell are you doing? Fucking?
Speaker 1:let go dude Since you like to sabotage things like a Bond villain. You are no longer allowed to leave the goddamn truck, so you zip, tie my left hand to the door. Yes, what if I have to piss? There's an empty bottle there by your feet. If you have to go, stick your little willy in there. My apologies, are you post-operation? I'll get you a shiwi while I'm inside, unless you would prefer a diaper. You know this is literal kidnapping, right, I know, and it's kind of exciting. I'll grab you something to eat when I'm inside. Watch your feet Asshole. What the fuck man Noah straight up lost his shit. What the fuck just happened.
Speaker 7:Phone call.
Speaker 1:Get the fucking thing. Call for help you, son of a bitch. Oops, fuck, I missed it, angry Prego Kirsten. Fuck I missed it, angry Grego.
Speaker 9:Kirsten. No answer.
Speaker 8:Well, that's not good.
Speaker 9:When was the last time you talked to them? 5 pm yesterday.
Speaker 6:Either Isaac's dead and Noah's just trying to find a place to hide his body or Noah's got his phone up his ass again. Yeah, I kinda like this photo.
Speaker 8:Try calling Isaac. He's always on his phone Glued to it.
Speaker 9:Jesus, All this work for a man who used to pronounce my name Kirsten oh tell me about it.
Speaker 8:He always called me Mia. Drove me crazy.
Speaker 9:Don't get me wrong. I loved the old bastard, but preparing for someone's funeral while his two boys are out fingering each other has me a little pissed off. Speak of the devil. Hello, Kirsten Isaac. Where is Noah? Noah's?
Speaker 6:fucking lost it. Okay, Turn it on speakerphone.
Speaker 1:He left me in the truck and zip-tied me to the door handle. I'm pretty sure he's buying a shovel and finding a small child to take the blame when he buries my ass he what.
Speaker 7:Zip-tied me to the fucking truck.
Speaker 6:What did you do, Isaac?
Speaker 8:Who is that? It's Gabriel. Who the fuck is that?
Speaker 9:It's Maya Maya, like Maya Maya.
Speaker 1:Yes, now what the fuck is going on? Well, kirsten, your husband has gone nuts and zip-tied me to the truck door. How many times do I have?
Speaker 9:to say that why did he zip-tie you to the door?
Speaker 1:Because he's three whippets shy of being mentally handicapped?
Speaker 8:I don't know he, he's obviously handicapped, I don't know, he totally did something.
Speaker 6:Oh, guaranteed.
Speaker 1:Why would you assume I did something?
Speaker 6:Isaac, we know your family, we know you.
Speaker 9:That silence is the sound of guilt. Isaac, Fuck you guys. Call the police.
Speaker 1:I'm being held against my will. I think that's a little more important. Where are you guys? I think on Highway 30 somewhere, maybe Julesburg. What does it?
Speaker 6:matter Highway 30? Why didn't you take the interstate?
Speaker 1:How many people am I talking to?
Speaker 6:There's three of us, but why take Highway 30? The speed limit's only 55. Pete, who the fuck is Pete? No, this is Gabe Isaac when are you back Now?
Speaker 8:who's this?
Speaker 10:Maya.
Speaker 7:My ex -Maya. Well, this is awkward Isaac focus.
Speaker 9:What the hell is taking you guys so long, jesus, kirsten, take me off the speakerphone. All I want to know is if you guys are on your way back yet, why are there so many people at your house? I heard like nine people butt in Because we are going through photos for your dad's funeral, something that you two dickheads should be doing right now. And and they all had to listen in. God damn it, kirsten, you keep talking like your brother. I'm gonna break your nose. Well, lucky for me, noah already did that. What? Why? You know what? Just don't answer that.
Speaker 8:What happened?
Speaker 9:Uh, apparently Isaac's nose is broken. What, how?
Speaker 6:He collided with Noah's fist, I would presume.
Speaker 9:You boys get back here in one piece. Do you hear me?
Speaker 7:Tell that to your crazy-ass husband.
Speaker 1:Who. Let's get back here in one piece. Do you hear me Tell that to your crazy-ass husband? Who are you talking to and why the hell do you look like you're farting in the?
Speaker 9:air vent. I mean it. Do you both want to learn how to spell eunuch?
Speaker 1:It's your wife. She wants to know how to spell eunuch. What E-U-N-U-C-H? She's a fucking literary major. What the hell is she asking?
Speaker 9:Just quit fucking around and get home safe. I am done playing mother to a couple of baboons.
Speaker 1:Why are you on the phone with my wife Easy there, psycho. She wanted to know where we were. Oh, here I got you some food, heads up, oh, I love them. You hit me in the nose, I'm well aware. Give me the phone. Fucking dick. Oh God, I think I'm bleeding again. Hey, baby, we'll be home here in a few hours.
Speaker 9:I promise, just quit fucking around and don't let Isaac near any mechanical parts. Sure thing, I love you. I love you too, children.
Speaker 1:They're both children. Hey, give me your knife. No, what am I gonna do? Stab you. I don't know how hard you're coming down on whatever fucking drugs you've been on. Yeah, give me the knife so I can kill us all. I wanna cut myself free. Noah, I'm still strapped to the fucking door here. I want this back, thank you.
Speaker 1:So Maya still hangs out with you guys. Well, yeah, she's Gabriel's stepsister. Just because you two stop diddling each other doesn't mean we're going to kick her out of our lives too. So she hangs out there regularly. I guess why. I'm just curious. Oh, do you miss her? Shut up. Good luck with that. Yeah, she's got a boyfriend anyway, doesn't she? Some prick named Lucas? The guy needs to be hit by a fucking Buick. Really how Well. I would imagine someone would press their foot on the accelerator really really hard until it couldn't go down any farther, and they aim for him as he's crossing the fucking street. Dude, you know what I mean? He's super controlling. He talks down to her. It's that kind of shit. I'm surprised Maya hasn't laid him the fuck out yet.
Speaker 3:So sounds like they're breaking up soon, then, huh.
Speaker 1:You don't stand a chance, queef McQueen, why not? Why not you ghosted her? You honestly think she would take you back after you just up and left her for Colorado? Yeah, good point.
Speaker 2:Good point.
Speaker 1:I'm agreeing with you. Still, funny, I fucked up. I know that Fucked up is putting it lightly. What's that supposed to mean? Isaac, you quit your accounting gig with the city to become some junkie Instagram model. Your detective skills are amazing. You're doing great. Okay, here's what I know. You do not work, you do not pay taxes. All you do is snowboard and get high. You contribute nothing to society and you rub it in everybody's fucking face. That's seriously how you view my life. Yes, why? I just told you why. No, why do you think that's what I'm doing with my life? Because that's how your life really is. So I'm just some unemployed, fucking snowboard junkie. You know how much a season pass on the mountain actually is? I'd imagine free if you give the right guy a tug in the parking lot, never mind.
Speaker 1:Where's that sandwich? God, this looks like shit. Is this thing even edible? I eat them all the time. You'll be fine. You've also eaten canned dog food. When you were drunk, dude, I thought it was tuna. Tuna doesn't smell and taste like fart. Noah, fine, I'll eat the sandwich. Mmm, just as good as dog food.
Speaker 2:Did you?
Speaker 1:get anything else? Nope. What? No, I did not. No chips, anything Nope, I ate my sandwich in the store. I got one for you and a couple of sodas.
Speaker 2:Here, here you go champ.
Speaker 1:Gee, thanks, no problem.
Speaker 2:Well, you have a few, but who's counting? Am I right?
Speaker 3:God, you're hysterical.
Speaker 1:I know God gave me a gift?
Speaker 2:He gave you crabs. And now, if you be a?
Speaker 1:good boy and stop talking, I'll get you treated. The next stop oh fuck you.
Speaker 5:Oh, fuck you.
Speaker 9:I swear to God that those two are the worst together.
Speaker 6:So Noah broke his nose and zip-tied him to the truck.
Speaker 8:How much of that is bullshit though.
Speaker 9:My guess is none of it what. They have always had a fucked up relationship.
Speaker 6:Fucked up is putting it mildly.
Speaker 8:Well, I knew they argued all the time, but I haven't heard of anything like this. Isaac never mentioned anything while we were dating, at least.
Speaker 6:Oh god, the stories I could tell you. Isaac ain't gonna mention much, because usually it was just him getting his ass kicked.
Speaker 8:Really. Yeah, Gabe is right. Well, that explains why he was so dead set on watching John Wick movies when he would come home from a family function.
Speaker 6:Eh nah, he's probably just watching Taibo infomercials.
Speaker 8:Shit, it's Lucas. I have to leave.
Speaker 9:You know, it's not a good sign that you become depressed when your boyfriend calls you.
Speaker 8:No, he just gets a bit pissy when I'm not with him, you mean he's an asshole. I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 9:He deserves a severe beating. Maya.
Speaker 8:Whatever I'll call you guys later.
Speaker 9:Maya come here.
Speaker 8:What Kirsten?
Speaker 9:I'm just gonna throw this out there. I totally know a guy with a pig farm, if you ever need him to just disappear.
Speaker 10:Would you?
Speaker 1:please stop that. You know, I think that's the first time I have ever heard you say please.
Speaker 7:Gold star for me.
Speaker 1:Fucking stop If we can turn the radio on.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Put your headphones on or something I would if you gave me time to grab them. I'm gonna drive this truck into oncoming traffic if you don't fucking stop. So radio you wouldn't be able to hear anything anyway.
Speaker 7:but static we're out in the middle of nowhere. I'm just gonna keep doing this then. Dude, see if there's a gun in the glove box so I can blow my fucking brains out. Hey harmonica.
Speaker 1:I could make a song for us. I'd rather listen to a dog raping a dying rabbit. Oh my god, what Booty, fucking licious, booty, what Licious. You know, booty, licious. That rapper from the 90s the hell's it doing in the glove box? It's probably yours from when we were kids. I would have beaten me for listening to it if I were dad. We have to put this in, please don't. Oh, shut up, it's going to be terribly great. I said no, what are you fucking stupid? You said please don't. There's a difference, like the difference between a broken finger and a broken nose. You've already had one of them. Fine, I'm just going to play the harmonica.
Speaker 2:Never learned this thing, so this should be riveting.
Speaker 10:Jesus God.
Speaker 7:My name is Noah and I'm a huge prick, and everyone around me thinks that I'm a huge dick.
Speaker 10:Hey.
Speaker 7:My name is Noah and I think I'm tough and I'm really just a power bottom.
Speaker 1:That just likes it rough, jesus Christ, alright. That just likes it rough, jesus Christ, all right. Put in the fucking tape. Nice, perfect song. I'm going to rewind it. Jesus, I remember this stupid shit. Oof, that doesn't sound good. Hopefully it eats the tape. Oh, calm down, you grumpy gut. Oh sweet baby Jesus, just let it play, hold on.
Speaker 7:I'm starting the song over. It'll make it Look.
Speaker 3:There we go. What I want to listen to is next dude, are you ready for this shit? Look at that butt, big ol' butt. Look at that butt. Ha ha Ha.
Speaker 1:Come on, man, you singing this in public's probably going to get you put on a list. Ha, come on man. You singing this in public is probably going to get you put on a list.
Speaker 3:Oh come on, man. Ha ha ha, look at that butt.
Speaker 7:Big old butt. Come on, dude.
Speaker 1:I know, you know the words Just buck buck.
Speaker 7:Ha, ha Come on oh man, I just died.
Speaker 1:This is fucking great. You don't remember this, jesus. Oh my them thighs.
Speaker 2:Watch it for where they hypnotize.
Speaker 1:You got another word, dude. Look at that butt, the big old butt. Look at that butt. There you go, you sourpuss, big that butt, the big ol' butt. Look at that butt. Ha ha, there you go, you sourpuss, big ol' butt.
Speaker 11:Look at the butt. Look at the butt.
Speaker 2:Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.
Speaker 1:This little girl just ain't in the race. Isaac likes it right in the face. You, motherfucker, ain't no race. Isaac likes it right in the face.
Speaker 7:You motherfucker, but, but, but, but but, but.
Speaker 1:Dude, this song is fucking killing me right now. I love this. Oh, holy shit. Noah Lake McConaughey, we have to stop. No, we're on our way home. I'm not stopping. Oh, come on. We used to go there all the time as kids. We have to stop. No, we're on our way home. I'm not stopping. Oh, come on. We used to go there all the time as kids. We have to go. Why? Because you have some stupid song reminding you of our childhood. That's precisely the reason I want to stop. What better way to remember?
Speaker 7:Dad than to stop at our old camping grounds.
Speaker 1:Well.
Speaker 7:I'm thinking.
Speaker 1:Well, don't think too hard, the exit's coming up. Stop talking, let me think.
Speaker 3:One mile Just saying.
Speaker 1:Fuck it.
Speaker 1:There you go. This is gonna be fucking great. Don't make me regret this, isaac. What is there to regret? When was the last time you got to do something like this, dude? I'm just saying, you always find a way to make things more difficult than they need to be. What? No, I don't. No shenanigans, dude. Come on, I'm not going to do anything. Dude, I mean it. No fucking around. I promise, no fucking around. All right, then. I cannot believe we're here right now. I know I've been here since what? 96? Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 3:I'll race you, you little dick, fart, dick.
Speaker 1:He even runs like an idiot. You dropped your cocaine. What?
Speaker 5:Fucking mook you alright. Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Good, Because I'm not taking you to the hospital. You can at least help me up jerk-off.
Speaker 11:You know what? Look at this.
Speaker 1:I see it. This is still breathtaking. You remember building sandcastles over there, of course. So much fun. Dad would help us make moats and bridges, and Mom playing Godzilla. She did what she would stomp all over the castles when she wanted us to get into the water. Oh my god, I completely forgot about it. That crazy lady and you would cry.
Speaker 2:Mom, this is my masterpiece.
Speaker 7:Is that an attempt to make fun of my childhood speech impediments?
Speaker 1:I'm seriously speechless, that you think I would do something stupid like that. Funny, hey, just be happy. Our parents took the time and the money to get you to speech therapy. They, they bought me a slap to the face anytime I'd say something incorrectly. These were good times, man, the time before you hated me. Oh, stop the poor pity me routine. I hated you long before you ever became a poster child. We are here, though. Let's just enjoy it Just for a little bit. I want to get home before it's dark. Why so soon? A pregnant wife at home who is eight and a half weeks along and is a continuous ball of joy Emphasis on the cunt.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna tell her. You said that, be my guest, she'll slap you first. Yeah, good point.
Speaker 3:You know.
Speaker 1:It's almost as if mom and Dad are here with us. You feel that, yeah, actually I do Love you like a sister. Little brother, that's Kirsten. The hell, is she calling you? Did you leave your phone in the truck? Shit, if she's being the magical C-word, I don't even want to talk to her. Yellow, why the fuck doesn't your brother answer my calls? Well, I'm 70% convinced he's gay, so that could be a contributing factor. You know, he grabbed some old man's breast in the rest stop bathroom. Saw it with my own eyes. Isaac, seriously, I'm not fucking around here. Wow, sorry, he's right next to me. He probably just left his phone in the truck.
Speaker 1:What's she saying here? Just talk to her. I'm gonna go piss by the the way she's in a great mood. Hey, babe, you need to start keeping your phone on you at all times. I'm sorry, pulled over, got out, stretched our legs. When are you coming home? That's all I care about. What about world peace and all the hippie commie bullshit? You don't care about that. Noah, not in a joking mood? Huh, noah, just answer my fucking question Seven hours, jesus, where are you? We're just outside, ogallala.
Speaker 9:Honey, it's five hours from Ogallala.
Speaker 1:But I'm taking Highway 30, which is about 20 miles an hour slower. Yeah, well, you were supposed to be home yesterday. Kirsten, I'm trying to get a giant baby with an Oedipus complex to come home. It isn't the easiest thing to do. Come on, he's not that bad. He sabotaged a fucking truck. What do you mean? He's not that bad.
Speaker 9:He did what? Wait, you know what? I don't care, I didn't call to argue what argument.
Speaker 1:It's a fact he's a 35-year-old emo kid.
Speaker 9:Then hogtie him and throw him in the back of the truck. Problem solved.
Speaker 1:That actually is not a bad idea. Just get home safe, please. I'm back on the road now, very good.
Speaker 9:I love you. I know I'm back on the road now Alright good, I love you, I know.
Speaker 1:You, what Sorry, I love you too, babe.
Speaker 9:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Now get your ass back home before I lock you both out.
Speaker 1:Shit, dude. What's going on? We were enjoying the moment. Yeah, well, that moment's over. Here's your phone. Get in the truck.
Speaker 1:I don't know what the fuck is that. What is what that? I don't hear anything Bullshit. What did you do? What is what that? I don't hear anything Bullshit. What did you do? What did I do? You went to piss and now there's a fucking weird noise. You're blaming me again. Of course I'm blaming you. What the fuck did you do? I don't know. Did you check the tailpipe? Dude, I hate you so much. Seriously, what the fuck did you do? Where the fuck is the harmonica? The air intake, dude, I'm gonna fucking kill you, seriously, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Oh, shut up. It's funny Zip-tying a harmonica to the air intake. Come on now.
Speaker 1:How the fuck do you know about cars? Well, the Ottomo car was invented by a German man named Sven Ousterfausch. Isaac, I'm serious. Dad used to show us how to work on cars all the time. Or have you forgotten that? He showed me how to do that? Shit? You were too busy trying on mom's clothes.
Speaker 1:You are fucking delusional, fuck you. I was right next to you when he gave you those lessons. How else would I know how to unhook the fucking ignition module? I just assumed. You jumped in like an ape and yanked on the first thing. You fucking saw what is with you? And assumptions? I don't just assume everything. Ha you automatically assume I'm this dipshit Colorado junkie with no job. I don't assume it's the truth. What you know of me is a shadow, noah Bullshit. You quit your job with the city, which was a great fucking job, cashed in your 401k and you moved away to do fuck all. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Not technically, not technically. Get the fuck out of here, noah. I am a fucking millionaire. Oh, bullshit.
Speaker 1:I wrote a book called the Butcher of Bronson Street that teeny-bobber bullshit that sits on my wife's nightstand. Fuck off, yes, that teeny-bobber bullshit. Nice try, isaac. That book doesn't say written by Isaac Peterson, it's some author, pj Williamson or some stupid shit. Rj Staker, I used a pseudonym I call bullshit.
Speaker 1:How, how the hell are you a millionaire from writing one fucking book? Well, for one, it became a bestseller. That doesn't make you a millionaire. You're such a fucking liar, isaac. No, but investing a portion of the profits does. I took a big chunk of the profits from the book you don't believe I wrote and I invested it into the stock market, the stock split, and I made a fucking fortune. Then I had a buddy dealing with overseas trademark rights and I fucking made a shitload of money off of that. That's what made me a millionaire, you miserable dick.
Speaker 1:Wait, you buy other people's trademarks in other countries and charge them money to sell their own fucking brand. Yes, there was a lot of money in that shit. That's fucking low, super fucking low. It's not low, it's fucking business. Business. It's scamming someone who worked hard for the right to be rich. If they're too dumb not to trademark their name in a foreign market, they deserve to get charged.
Speaker 1:Congratulations, you have become a world-class piece of shit. Good luck with the blood money. Well, fuck you. Good comeback. You fucking reprobate. You're a fucking joke, dude. I'm a fucking joke. Refer back to your business practices, dude.
Speaker 1:Who do you think paid for Dad's funeral, that so-called blood money? Who do you think was paying for Dad to live those past two years? Sure as shit wasn't the fucking slaughterhouse. They fired his ass and closed the doors, didn't even fucking look back. Why are you telling me this now? We're brothers. We're supposed to trust each other. Trust each other. That's a fucking laugh.
Speaker 1:You haven't trusted anyone since you cheated on your wife. Hey, we have moved past that. We are doing counseling once a week because of my fuck up. I admitted it, I fucked up. That was two years ago anyway. You're the one that diddled someone else. I told you we have worked on our marriage. Now fucking drop it.
Speaker 1:You haven't moved on at all, you moron. You are constantly angry. You piss and moan about everything. You think everyone is out to screw your wife. You blame everyone for shit that you caused. You are a miserable prick. What the fuck's that supposed to mean? Comes a point in every man's life they need to realize they're chasing their own tail.
Speaker 1:Riddle me this dickhead. Have you ever manned up and taken responsibility for any of your actions? Have you, like I said, you blame everybody but yourself. God forbid the words I'm sorry ever spew from your fucking mouth. Half the shit you've done to me in the past two days renders an apology. Is that what you want? An apology? Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're such a fucking cunt. Oscar nominee Noah Peterson, is that how you apologize to Kirsten? You better fucking stop bringing my wife's name into this. There hasn't been a thought in your mind that your wife got revenge, what you know. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if there was another man's baby brewing in her belly right fucking now. Fuck, dude, I'm sorry, I didn mean it. I was crossing the line. Seriously, dude, I'm sorry. I was getting pretty heated and I was just trying to get under your skin. That's it.
Speaker 8:I didn't mean anything?
Speaker 1:That fucking harmonica Whoa, jesus Christ. What the fuck are you doing, dude? Slow the fuck down. God damn it. Noah, are you trying to fucking kill us? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, jesus Christ, you're gonna give me a heart attack. Fuck. Get out of the fucking truck. What the hell are you doing? You nut bar? I said I was sorry. Get out of the fucking truck, you bitch. Oh shit, I really pissed him off, are you serious? The lock You're a lot dumber than I fucking thought. Get the fuck out. Fuck you the seatbelt. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, god damn it. Get up. Fuck. You. Wanna be a fucking tough guy. Get the fuck out. I'm not gonna fight you. Noah. Hit me pussy. Noah, stop Hit me. You are a fucking psychopath. You wanna see fucking crazy? You fucking cunt Fucking. Stop, just let me hit you. Come here, you fucking cunt Fucking. Stop, just let me hit you. Come here, you fucking baby, stand still Fucking headlock. You fucking pussy. Are you done? Fuck you.
Speaker 2:You need to calm down, I'm gonna fucking kill you when you let go.
Speaker 1:How about now, uncle, uncle, oh, big man, had too much. You're tapping. Now Do you see what happens when you lose your temper? I didn't want to do this, asshole. Why do you have to solve everything with fucking confrontation? You bitch and moan about everything, but look where it gets you, motherfucker. I didn't get you a shot to the dick. I'm done. I've had it with you this trip. This fucking truck, I'm fucking out. I'm going home. Good luck with your fragile masculinity and a broken nose. Bitch, go right ahead, fucking, leave. Nobody fucking wants you there anyway. You've been a coward your entire life. Why should Dad's funeral be any different? Run away like you always do abandon us all.
Speaker 1:That's what you fucking good at bullshit you left to fill your own selfish fucking fantasies. It's the truth. Mom's death fucking destroyed me. She was my world, dude. I couldn't fucking take it being in the same city. She died in Everything she taught me about life, about women. She was my fucking mother. Oh, fuck off. You barely said a word at her fucking funeral. It's like you couldn't fucking be bothered. Seeing her put in the ground destroyed me in ways I can't even put into words. Noah, it fucking destroyed me.
Speaker 1:I had a breakdown that involved a shitload of whiskey and thinking about blowing my fucking brains out. I wanted to get far away from anything that reminded me of who she was and I just I had to jump ship. She was my mother, too, and I was going through the exact same thing, and the only person I felt would get what I was going through abandoned me. He just fucking vanished. Dad was there, but he was going through his own loss with the love of his life. I needed my goddamn brother, the only goddamn person that would fucking understand my plight.
Speaker 1:And you blab, you could have called you fucking idiot. You think Dad's funeral is any different? I'd eat my goddamn brother and you'd refuse to go. How do you think I feel I can't bury another parent, not after Mom, not after how it obliterated me. Why the fuck do you think I came to get you? You honestly think I can do this alone? Fuck you and your goddamn ego, afraid of how it's gonna make you feel.
Speaker 1:What about how I feel, noah, you aren't the only one hurting. I'm fucking dying on the inside. Our father is dead. He's fucking dead. There is nothing either of us can do to change that. I can't just come back with a smile on my face and shake hands with dad's old pals. The world is crumbling around me and I don't know what the fuck to do. Bitch, I have kids coming into this world in a few weeks, so I'm about to be a dad and the only person I knew who would come show me how to be a good father is fucking dead. I'm fucking scared. Isaac, oh, come on, don't try to guilt. Trip me with this shit.
Speaker 5:Guilt trip you motherfucker.
Speaker 1:I have a wife that is dealing with all of this bullshit on top of being pregnant. I have to comfort her and suck up my dealings, because the moment I break down, the whole entire ship goes down. Now I'm fucking losing it because of you and I'm afraid I may not be the man I need to be for my fucking family. How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do with my life, with my son's life? I have no idea what to do and I just need my goddamn brother.
Speaker 11:Get up, I don't need your help.
Speaker 2:Just get in the fucking truck. If I were a betting man, I'd say neither of these boys wants to apologize. If you've ever had brothers yourself, you understand. Fuck you, fuck you, if you understand.
Speaker 3:Fuck you.
Speaker 1:Fuck you that harmonica was a terrible idea. You're not staying here, dude. What? Find some shithole motel or something. You're not staying here. You're serious. It's Dad's death. You are not welcome in my house. Whatever, man, I'm fucking gone.
Speaker 9:Oh my god, what the hell happened to you.
Speaker 5:I don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 9:Why is your face bruised and where's your brother?
Speaker 1:I told him he couldn't stay here.
Speaker 9:Noah what happened.
Speaker 11:I'm going to go lay down.
Speaker 9:What the hellah?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna go get him no, do not let that in this house. Well, tell me what happened then. He's a selfish little prick.
Speaker 9:There is no place for him in this family anymore noah, your brother, is standing there at the edge of the driveway.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 9:And he's your brother. Get off your ass and let him in Kirsten.
Speaker 1:this is something that I'm going to be very firm on. Isaac is not welcome in this house anymore.
Speaker 9:Well, why won't you tell me what happened then?
Speaker 1:I don't want to talk about it, Kirsten Well, what?
Speaker 9:happened to your face.
Speaker 5:I cut myself shaving Please stop.
Speaker 9:You just want to lay there and wallow in your own self-pity.
Speaker 1:Look, what happened is between Isaac and I. Now please just drop it.
Speaker 5:Stop, don't look at me like that.
Speaker 9:I beg your pardon.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, babe, I love you, I love you so much, but this is something I have to stand very firm on.
Speaker 9:Well, is he going to be at the funeral?
Speaker 1:I don't give a shit at this point.
Speaker 9:Then what the hell was the point of going to get him?
Speaker 1:I needed a brother. What I brought back was a fleshy patch of selfishness. What? My brother's not there anymore. He only cares about himself, so let him care about himself.
Speaker 2:I'm done. Their daddy's funeral is just around the corner and in the moment, death seems to remind you of your life. It ain't that bad.
Speaker 9:Something tells me they'll be just fine. Wow, I didn't expect such a turnout. I did.
Speaker 2:My dad was a social whore.
Speaker 9:Really.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, his buddies were our babysitters uncles, big brothers.
Speaker 10:The man knew everybody in town.
Speaker 9:So you think he'll show.
Speaker 10:Who.
Speaker 9:Isaac, you thick fuck. Think he'll be here I bet you the baby's name.
Speaker 11:He doesn't show up.
Speaker 9:Oh really.
Speaker 1:You really have faith in that walnut? He has the morals of a kid on TikTok. He probably films himself giving food to homeless people. Oh look how good I am. Somebody pat me on the back.
Speaker 9:Whatever, I'm holding you to that bet.
Speaker 1:Deal Jerry Reed Peterson, if it's a boy.
Speaker 9:Brenner Cole.
Speaker 1:Brenner.
Speaker 9:Sounds like a sandwich. Oh, it does not Ask Gabe, gabe Yo.
Speaker 5:Come over here.
Speaker 9:Stop, it's your father's funeral. Quit yelling.
Speaker 1:Hasn't even started.
Speaker 9:He's not going to play your little game. Anyway, this is where you want to be when Jesus comes back.
Speaker 1:I'd rather be in Vegas.
Speaker 6:Okay, good luck with that.
Speaker 1:Yo ho ho bro-stachios Gabe does Brenner sound like a sandwich Brenner?
Speaker 9:Gabe, please don't humor him.
Speaker 1:No, just answer the question. Does Brenner sound like?
Speaker 6:a sandwich. Well, I immediately regret walking over here, guys. What's this about?
Speaker 1:We have a bet and if I lose, we name the child fucking Brenner, nope.
Speaker 9:I'm out Ha Told you it was worth a try, thanks, for nothing.
Speaker 6:Gabe no problem, dickity, dickhead.
Speaker 9:Holy shit. I hope you realize I'm naming our baby Brenner.
Speaker 5:Sandwich. There's no way, I'm telling you Well, you just lost a bet. Look You're shitting me.
Speaker 1:Wow, he looks like shit.
Speaker 9:Ow Be nice, you both look like raccoons, god damn.
Speaker 5:It's my father's funeral.
Speaker 9:Hey, you're in a holy place. If you talk like that, again, I'm divorcing you.
Speaker 5:If I were only so lucky.
Speaker 9:You couldn't afford the child support. You degenerate.
Speaker 2:Quiet down. Quiet down everyone.
Speaker 4:We'll begin once everyone finds their seats. Quiet down, quiet down everyone We'll begin once everyone finds their seats.
Speaker 1:Isaac started this whole fucking thing. By the way, Shh.
Speaker 9:I don't care, just let it go.
Speaker 4:Thank you all for coming. Everyone, we are gathered here today not to mourn the death, but to celebrate the life of Thomas Peterson. God has taken him at a time of his life that was unexpected for all of us. We will miss Thomas, but our burden is not as heavy as his two boys, noah and Isaac, who are here today to bury their father. Just five years ago, they were burdened. Who are here today to bury their father? Just five years ago, they were burdened with the tragedy of burying their mother, sharon, noah, isaac, we are all here for you. Your family has been a pillar in this community and you too are our family as well. Just know that Thomas and Sharon will be joined again, leaving their eternal love here for eternal life in heaven. I have been asked for the eulogy to be given by his son, isaac Peterson. I cannot think of a better person to give a proper speech, isaac, if you please.
Speaker 1:You know, I thought about giving the stereotypical speech about life lessons, experiences we had funny anecdotes.
Speaker 3:What have?
Speaker 1:you. Nobody wants to hear that. That's every funeral. Seems like everybody else has that under control. I'm pretty sure I saw Dad's frat buddies in the back doing beer bongs when I walked in. So there's that Having a good time, Bill Hell. Yes, in the back doing beer bongs when I walked in. So there's that Having a good time, Bill Hell. Yes, yeah, there you go.
Speaker 10:There's your shout-out.
Speaker 1:I was trying to figure out what to say here tonight while being in a drunken stupor. You know it's the Peterson way, I suppose, but it really didn't work out the way I hoped. I ended up with a broken nose, bruise on my face and a pissed-off brother. What I have found out about trying to write a eulogy for your own father is that we remember a great man not in times of darkness, but we remember him in the light. He was the epitome of a father teaching Noah and I a multitude of lessons. Thomas Peterson lived his life not only how he saw fit, but how he wanted others to live.
Speaker 3:A gloating man is a man who has a minuscule portion of what life is about.
Speaker 1:The man who has nothing is a man who finds everything in something. Fear will never overpower, but merely be motivation to stay one step ahead, ensuring the feeling having everything truly feels like everything. A man who has everything has no fear in letting go.
Speaker 3:My father motivated us to be the same.
Speaker 1:Live in the moment, but learn through your mistakes to find a way to keep the moment alive.
Speaker 3:Our father was a wise man. He was a great husband to our mother and an even better father. One can only hope people had a life as rich as ours. He gave us everything. He may not have given us the material possessions a kid desires.
Speaker 1:but he gave us strength, discipline, courage. He gave us everything we needed and we gather to thank you, dad. Our hearts will always be filled with the love you showed everyone in this room. I hope you and Mom are happy and I wish you the best.
Speaker 3:I'll be thinking of you.
Speaker 4:Thank you. Thank you, Isaac. I will now read from 1 Thessalonians, 4, 14 through 17. Man Isaac did good.
Speaker 1:For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, yeah, he actually did.
Speaker 4:God will bring him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by the word of our Lord you okay bud.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm good, I'm just letting everyone enjoy themselves.
Speaker 3:You can join. Nah, I'm alright. I still need a bit. Besides, everyone would just do the I'm so sorry for your loss bullshit. I'm not in the fucking mood for that.
Speaker 6:Good point. Well, let's do a shot Of what. What are you thinking? I'm thinking a bomb of some sort, a little pep in the step. Come on, let's get some liquid crack. I'm all right, dude, all right. You're sitting there talking to yourself like an old man. You're doing a bomb. Let's light the world on fire. This is our night. That's an odd example, but fuck it. I'm in there. You go, let loose. We got the whole night ahead of us. Let's celebrate your dad. Let's burn the world down. Hey Nate, two Vegas bombs please.
Speaker 11:Sounds good, coming right up.
Speaker 6:Isaac. Look man. I know it's tough, but we're all here for you. So Maya and I grew up with your dad too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know I do appreciate everything you've done, Gabe.
Speaker 6:You do the same brother. When times are tough, we gotta stick together, otherwise everything just falls apart.
Speaker 3:Yeah, sometimes I think it already did fall apart.
Speaker 6:Man, stay positive. That's just part of life. But at least now your dad's with your mom, yeah, maybe, maybe, dude, your mom was a smoke show, no doubt your dad got laid first thing Wonderful.
Speaker 11:Now I have the image of my parents diddling in my fucking head. Here you go, guys On the house. Sorry for your loss, Isaac. See what I mean. What did I do to piss you off, man?
Speaker 6:No, nate. Nate, You're good, he's just being a dick. Stop being a dick and take your shot. You're starting to sound like Noah.
Speaker 11:Sorry, nate, I'm just being pissy, just trying to serve you some drinks To Thomas, to Thomas.
Speaker 10:I'm like who the hell?
Speaker 9:Noah, you should go talk to Isaac.
Speaker 1:Why he's fine.
Speaker 9:He just lost his father.
Speaker 1:So did I Look at him. Though he looks fine, Besides the beauty mark I gave him, he's a picture of hell.
Speaker 9:Yeah, he gave you one too, Just go talk to him.
Speaker 1:I talked to him the entire trip here. The man is a boner killer.
Speaker 9:Your analogies are fucking awful. Just go over there and say something to him, please.
Speaker 1:Fine, I'll go over there and I'll call him a cunt.
Speaker 9:No wait, Don't go over there.
Speaker 1:What the hell do you want me to do? Stay, go, fuck myself.
Speaker 9:Maya is walking over there. So so his ex-girlfriend, who he ghosted and moved to Colorado, is walking over there. Whoop-de-fuck, she might punch him. I kind of want to see this, holy shit good point Dude, I know that was.
Speaker 11:They were like I'm out, Gabe can.
Speaker 10:I have a minute.
Speaker 6:Whoa, whoa, I'm trying, sure, sure, hold on, alright, I'm gonna go have a smoke.
Speaker 7:Hey, thanks for coming, Maya.
Speaker 8:Your dad was a big part of my life too. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
Speaker 3:Just know, I do appreciate it.
Speaker 8:So how are you?
Speaker 3:I'm all right, as good as a man who just buried his dad, fair you.
Speaker 8:I'm good I'm staying busy. I work with Gabe in the shop now.
Speaker 3:Oh, fucking A. You were always good with cars, so that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Is that sarcasm? No, no, no, no, no, no. You taught me so much about my cars I don't even think I have the right to make fun of you.
Speaker 8:This is true.
Speaker 3:Oh, I told Noah, dad taught me, so just a heads up. We were in an argument. He'd never let it down if I told him it was you who taught me how Afraid of.
Speaker 8:Noah Hell. No, I just don't want to hear him speak. You two are something else. I heard about the fights.
Speaker 3:Noah made himself out to be the martyr, I'm sure.
Speaker 8:As usual, he's got a knack for that.
Speaker 3:So how are things, or whatever. I'm not good at small talk at the moment.
Speaker 8:Isaac Peterson being short for words now, this is a first.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know my brain's all scrambled and I'm pretty sure I left my backpack in Noah's truck, so that has me a bit disheveled at the moment.
Speaker 8:Well, you are a pretty forgetful person.
Speaker 3:Not usually.
Speaker 8:You forgot to bring your girlfriend with you to Colorado Ew.
Speaker 1:Ouch Too soon. Can I say too soon there?
Speaker 8:Since it was five years ago, I'd say no, I just chose the wrong time to bring it up, though.
Speaker 3:Eh, go ahead. I fucked up and deserve everything you have to say.
Speaker 8:No, it's been so long and tonight isn't the night.
Speaker 1:And another night is.
Speaker 8:Look, I didn't come over here to fight. I just wanted to say my condolences and see if you were alright.
Speaker 3:I appreciate that Maya Truly. You take care, isaac. You too, maya.
Speaker 8:Thank you for coming. Hey, I'm going to a show at Red Rocks in a couple months. I'll be around for a couple days, would?
Speaker 3:you want to get lunch or something, I'll go with the option or something. What does that entail, though? Does it?
Speaker 1:involve a Steely Dan CD you sinner.
Speaker 8:Seriously, I would like to meet up with you and chat when I'm out there, and I'm not sure how long you're going to be in town, so I figured we should talk out there.
Speaker 3:I would love that. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 8:Yeah.
Speaker 6:Maya, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 8:Maya, shit, I have to go. Come here now.
Speaker 3:Who's that great big ball of joy?
Speaker 8:Currently my boyfriend.
Speaker 3:Currently. Huh, well, you take care, maya. It was good to see you, I mean it.
Speaker 8:Take care of yourself, alright.
Speaker 4:What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Speaker 8:Paying my respects. What does it matter?
Speaker 4:He's your ex.
Speaker 8:His dad just died. Am I just supposed to say nothing to him?
Speaker 4:I forbade you to go to the funeral in the first place, let alone the bar afterwards.
Speaker 8:And I remember telling you to get fucked. You don't remember that part.
Speaker 4:You're coming home right now.
Speaker 8:Gabe and I grew up with the Petersons. I'm just paying my respects. What's the big deal?
Speaker 4:I'm serious, let's go.
Speaker 9:Whoa whoa, what the fuck is going on.
Speaker 4:Mind your business.
Speaker 9:Well, when you're yelling at your lady in the middle of a bar, it becomes everybody's business Lucas we will talk about this tomorrow.
Speaker 4:No, you're coming home right now.
Speaker 9:Shit. Noah and Isaac are staring you guys, oh hell no, you put your hands on me again.
Speaker 8:you and I are gonna have a problem.
Speaker 4:Worse than the problem we have right now.
Speaker 8:You are an angry, jealous, controlling asshole who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way.
Speaker 4:Don't you talk to me like that again.
Speaker 9:Oh shit done fucked up, Lucas, they're coming.
Speaker 4:I told you stay out of this.
Speaker 8:If you ever touch me again, I swear to God Whoa, whoa calm down, calm down, get the fuck off me.
Speaker 1:Get the fuck off, it's me, god damn Shit. The fuck off me, get the fuck off. It's me, god damn Shit. It's me. Where the fuck is Kay, maya, maya, maya, calm down, calm down, look it's over. Hey, look at me, it's over. Look, you made him cry. That wasn't fair. That wasn't fair.
Speaker 2:You fucked him up, Maya Fuck him.
Speaker 9:This way, babe, don't worry about him, you fucking dick.
Speaker 1:Whoa, what the fuck did I just miss? You ever watch bumfights? Maya fucking destroyed this dude.
Speaker 6:No shit, I heard something from outside, but I wasn't sure what was going on.
Speaker 1:Look, he's still right there on the ground, I think she broke a rib.
Speaker 6:Come on, buddy, come on, let's get up. I'll walk you up Wrong person to pick a fight with buddy.
Speaker 1:You okay, get out of my way. I'm calling the cops. Good luck with that. You swung first Steve. Steve, who the fuck is Steve? Well, you are See. I didn't think it was important enough to know your name, so I just kind of picked one.
Speaker 6:You see, steve, there's an important lesson to have learned here, and it seems to be written on your face. Get out of my way.
Speaker 11:Yeah, good looking out, brother Nate, two whiskeys. What the hell happened to you guys? You guys okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the one who started the fight just got escorted out, you guys. Good, I don't think he's coming back, nate.
Speaker 3:All is well.
Speaker 11:Good man, I don't want that shit in my bar. Two whiskeys, double the price, you guys fucked around way too much.
Speaker 3:Thanks, Nate.
Speaker 1:Your ex is one tough broad dude. She sure as shit can handle her own, that's for sure. Not gonna lie, man, totally thought she was gonna hit you earlier. Hit me why I was watching from across the bar. Oh, thanks for the privacy. Dickhead, you're at a bar. You have no privacy. Everyone is looking at everyone. Whatever man, you want another shot, fuck it why not.
Speaker 11:It's the last night of drinking for the foreseeable future.
Speaker 1:Hey Nate, another round please.
Speaker 2:It may not seem to be to the untrained eye, but they finally got over their bullshit. All it took was witnessing a savage attack and, fucked up as these two may be, they're living in high cotton. The death of their daddy brought them back together. Noah's about to be a daddy himself, and Isaac was able to conquer his fears. Isaac and Noah still have a long way to go Before they learn about the world, but bless their hearts for trying. These are my boys. I love them and I'm proud of them.
Speaker 1:You know you're still an asshole. Are you gonna pay for everyone's drinks, since you're rich?
Speaker 5:now, oh, fuck you, fuck you.
Speaker 2:The Gentle Art of Making Enemies. Written and directed by Ben Qaddafi, starring Tim Welsh, ben Ben Gaddafi, samantha Johnson, wren Soren, katie Lee Rumpf, tessa Thompson, alexander Hamilton, ryan Rumpf, nick Vodica, jason Flynn.