The Gentle Art of Making Enemies Episode 1

Already having a bad birthday, Noah heads to see his mechanic buddy Gabe about fixing his newly wrecked truck. His little brother Isaac however is having the time of his life flirting with women at a bar on the base of the mountain in his ski resort town. Both of them are about to get soul crushing news. 

Credits: 

Noah- Tim Welch 

Kirsten- Samantha Johnson 

Gabe- Wren Soryn 

Miya- Tessa Thompson 

Dealer 1- Alexander Hamilton 

Dealer 2- Ryan Roumpf 

Jacob- Ryan Roumpf 

Dahlia- Katie Leigh Roumpf 

Isaac- Ben Kadaffi 

Benny- Ben Kadaffi 

Music: 

WEARETHEGOOD, Lynnea-Outrun 

Lance Conrad- Crossing the high Desert 

Audio recorded by Matt Kuhl 

Sound Solution Editing 

Soundsolutionediting@gmail.com 

Dialogue editing, sound design and foley done by Ben Kadaffi 

Written and Directed by Ben Kadaffi 

For The Gentle Art of Making Enemies merchandise go to www.whosaysproductions.com/store

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:07

What's the damage? 29. 29? Fuck you. Why don't you steal my fucking wallet? You don't like it? I can take it and fuck back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fine, fuck man. Here's your fucking money. Fucking psycho. Ugh, these fucking people.

Dealership Drama with Friends

Speaker 2 0:27

There's something a man despises about hitching a ride from someone. They feel they aren't in control of the situation. But sometimes a man must face the fact that they are the very reason control was lost in the first place. This is Noah. He's a hyper-intelligent man with a passion stronger than Atlas, trying to hold up the world. His anger, however, makes him one of the dumbest fucks this side of the Mississippi. See, noah got in a heated argument with his wife the night before he decided to test fate. Well, let's see what fate has in store for a man letting anger make the decision for him.

Speaker 3 1:09

Hey there see you hoofing. It Looks to me like you need a vehicle.

Speaker 1 1:13

Nope, not interested. Oh, of course you're not interested yet.

Speaker 4 1:17

I could pique your interest really quick. I can tell you're a man of taste.

Speaker 1 1:21

Oh yeah, can you also tell I'm about to get an assault charge for putting your teeth down your goddamn throat. Alrighty, okay, I see you're hoping. It looks to me like you need a new vehicle. Fuck off fuckers, hunt packs. Get a new script dude. New script dude. Hey, hey guys. No, no, no, don't use those rags. Use the shammies from the stock room. Come on, we've talked about this. It's an automobile. It's not your dick. Treat it with some respect.

Speaker 2 1:56

Gabe. All right, buddy, it's about time you got here.

Speaker 1 1:59

You guys were just admiring the work on your truck.

Speaker 4 2:02

Oh yeah, oh hey. Hey, steve, answer the phone. Gabe, what do you mean? Yeah, four blown tires, Four bent rims, axle damage and a dead pigeon in the grill. The guys are going to talk some shit. Matter of fact, I was talking shit with them.

Speaker 1 2:13

Let them.

Speaker 4 2:14

I make more than they do. The dealership isn't a place. You want to say that too loud?

Speaker 1 2:18

They tried to figure me already and you turned them down what I think. I'd rather be taken out back and shot.

Speaker 3 2:26

Well, they would still get in there, buddy, and take your billfold.

Speaker 1 2:30

Billfold, what are you fuckin' 90?

Speaker 3 2:32

You're so funny, Noah.

Speaker 1 2:34

You still dating lick-ass Maya.

Speaker 3 2:36

His name is Lucas and, yes, I am.

Speaker 4 2:39

Why? What do you mean? Because he hasn't ghosted her yet, like your brother. Fair enough.

Speaker 3 2:43

Fuck you here. Toyota's done. Saw your truck, noah. How'd you manage to get quarters in the radiator?

Speaker 1 2:50

I hit a couple parking meters. Fuck you for asking.

Speaker 4 2:53

Why am I not surprised? Sure, you didn't just forget to tighten the lug. Nuts again, hardy, fucking hard.

Speaker 3 2:59

Hardy fucking hard and you make fun of me for saying billfold. Shut up, Gabe. Are Josh and Tyler working on the Cadillac?

Speaker 4 3:06

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just please make sure they don't scratch the paint.

Speaker 3 3:10

I'm on it. Good to see you, Noah.

Speaker 1 3:12

Happy birthday Yay me, what do I owe you Well?

Speaker 4 3:18

you know, I'm not 100% sure yet. I did get you the employee discount but it's going to take a few days to get the rims in your wife cool with chauffeuring you around a bit.

Speaker 1 3:26

We'll find out. I kind of pissed her off already, you mean with the truck or something else. Well, I'm sure she already has a list of all my offenses.

Speaker 4 3:36

Well, that doesn't surprise me Not that I want to but if she refuses, I'll pick you up from work later. Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Gabe, it is your birthday, after all. It was either this or listen to you bitch and whine about it later.

Speaker 1 3:49

Fuck you douchebag. Call me later.

Isaac's Chance Encounter at the Bar

Speaker 4 3:53

I don't have to fucking pick you up, bud. I'll make sure I keep those lug nuts nice and loose for you. I know it's what you like. You look great in an SUV, is that? So what's your name? It's Kirsten. I can see that you look like a Kristen, kirsten.

Speaker 2 4:17

I can see you falling in love with a guy like me, Kristen.

Speaker 3 4:20

Are all of you guys dressed like a serial rapist?

Speaker 1 4:24

Oh, look at you Batting for both teams. Huh, what Shit. It's him. You were just hitting on me a second ago. Now you switch up to my fucking wife, your wife.

Speaker 3 4:34

Yep, pregnant to you. Fucking weirdo, don't get off my car, oh.

Speaker 1 4:38

Come on, kid, you don't want to fuck up your quota Do you shut up and get in the car.

Speaker 4 4:48

Happy birthday, babe.

Speaker 1 4:50

Oh, and what a happy birthday I'm having.

Speaker 3 4:53

Hey, this is what happens when you drive your truck in a fit of rage. Now shut the hell up and accept the fact that I'm saying happy birthday at all.

Speaker 1 5:02

I'm sorry, thank you, and thank you for picking me up.

Speaker 2 5:06

Have you heard from Isaac yet?

Speaker 1 5:07

My brother. He's probably busy doing a line off some dude's boner in an Applebee's bathroom. Run out, run out, better run on. Keep on running till the sun goes down. Run out, run out, better run on. Run all day till you can't be found. You can outrun the devil, but you ain.

Speaker 2 5:28

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies. Written and directed by Ben Gaddafi. Episode 1. Noah's little brother, isaac, has always been an outright rebellion. He may not be doing despicable things in public toilets, he's still just living his life like he's the only one that matters. More of a mama's boy, to say the least, got a good head on his shoulders, but boy does he like rocking the boat. He was born with the gift of gab, but was cursed with the emotional fortitude of attorney, although I'll be damned if isaac and noah didn't master the gentle art of making enemies and this one is of me and my mom in Seattle.

Speaker 3 6:14

It was for my birthday last September.

Speaker 4 6:16

Oh, september, I thought you'd be a Libra. Yeah, how so? Well, you have a peaceful and loving attitude about everything. Libras tend to be the best looking out of all the signs.

Speaker 3 6:26

You use those lines often.

Speaker 4 6:27

Well, yeah, I'm kind of a prostitute. Wait what? I'm totally kidding, but I am in fact trying to get to your mother after seeing those photos. She's a fucking fox. Is she here? Stop, let's do shots. I'm down. What are?

Speaker 3 6:41

we shooting. I'm a whiskey girl myself.

Speaker 4 6:45

Is that a fact?

Speaker 3 6:46

What no Libras love whiskey lines. Isaac, what do you normally shoot?

Speaker 4 6:51

Well, I do fancy myself some of the whiskey girl as well, darling, oh yeah, yes, girl, you're so stupid. Oh, you fucking insult me now I'll forgive you if you're buying.

Speaker 3 7:02

From the looks of it, I don't think anybody is. That bartender is all the way down there with a line of people ordering.

Speaker 4 7:09

Well, why don't we make it interesting? Whoever can flag down the bartender first, other has to buy. You are so on. Or we could go outside and smoke this and get shots when we come back in.

Speaker 3 7:22

Fuck, yes, wait, you can just do that here.

Speaker 4 7:26

It's weed, it's not heroin. You're not in Portland, dahlia. You know what I?

Speaker 3 7:30

mean, my state hasn't made it legal yet and it's kind of hard keeping track of the ones that have.

Speaker 4 7:35

Well, you are in luck. Come on, I got this joint off. A homeless guy outside what I'm not smoking, that I'm kidding. Let's go Grab your coat.

Speaker 3 8:10

Oh my god, I can't believe this is legal here. I feel like such a rebel. Oh, how smooth. What. Putting your arm around me once we get outside. Okay, Fabio, pretty bold for a man I just met.

Speaker 4 8:24

Oh, stop, it's cold out here. Now be careful with this. They call it the Kraken for a reason.

Speaker 3 8:29

Why do they call it the Kraken?

Speaker 4 8:31

Well, it's a joint rolled in hash oil and then rolled in keef.

Speaker 3 8:37

Ooh six ships girl, I can handle it. Ooh, we should go back to your place and watch a pirate movie. Do you have any good ones?

Speaker 4 8:44

As a matter of fact, I have three copies of the greatest pirate movie ever made.

Speaker 3 8:48

What the hell is that?

Speaker 4 8:49

Cutthroat Island.

Speaker 3 8:53

I've never heard of that.

Speaker 4 8:56

You've never heard of Cutthroat Island. I'm going to give you a scoff. Gina Davis, matthew Modine, come on, dahlia.

Speaker 3 9:04

Why do you have three copies anyway?

Speaker 4 9:05

Well, maybe I want to watch it more than once. You're such an idiot, An adorable idiot though You're all right, just all right.

Speaker 3 9:11

huh, mmm, you're alright.

Speaker 4 9:13

Just alright, huh.

Speaker 3 9:14

Yeah, not really tall enough for me.

Speaker 4 9:16

Pfft, not tall enough 6'3". That'll do, I guess That'll do. You guess. Get the fuck out of here. Hey you asked You're right, my mistake, give me that fucking joint. Hey, I'm kidding, Nope nope, uh-uh, nope, you lost your privileges.

Speaker 3 9:29

Oh, come on.

Speaker 4 9:30

Well, that's twice. You've insulted me. Now Tell you what. Buy me that shot and all's forgiven.

Speaker 3 9:35

No more competition then.

Speaker 4 9:36

No, no, no, it's still on just after that shot.

Speaker 3 9:39

You little hustler, are you scamming me just to get free drinks?

Speaker 4 9:42

What am I not the Nigerian prince of your dreams?

Speaker 3 9:45

You little shit, let's go. I'll buy you that shot for the jokes, but only because you can't take them.

Speaker 4 9:51

Well, now, all you're getting from me is an Owen Wilson.

Speaker 3 9:53

Wow, then it's open season on who buys what Deal.

Speaker 4 9:57

Deal.

Co-worker Frustration and Bridge Argument

Speaker 2 10:00

Meanwhile, at Noah's work, a co-worker drives him up the wall, already having a bad birthday. He just can't help but make matters worse. The poor bastard will soon find out how trivial all of this truly is.

Speaker 4 10:18

My wife and I took a little drive in the pickup this weekend. Oh yeah, yep, we like finding bridges to drive over.

Speaker 1 10:25

Sounds interesting.

Speaker 4 10:26

There's this bridge down by the zoo. It's called the Mormon Bridge. If you get a chance this weekend, you should drive over it. It's pretty neat.

Speaker 1 10:36

Wait, the Mormon Bridge? Yeah, the Mormon Bridge. The Mormon Bridge is on I-680, bud. What? North Omaha, uh-huh. Warranty area, yeah. Near Ponca Hills, uh-huh. I grew up out there. What the Mormon Bridge? Yes, the Mormon Bridge.

Speaker 4 10:51

I'm pretty sure the Mormon Bridge is down by the zoo near Council Bluffs.

Speaker 1 10:55

It goes over the Missouri down there. You know, there are a couple bridges that cross the Missouri River down there. It's not the Mormon Bridge, not the Mormon Bridge. My God, man, I feel like I'm playing who's on First? What's on first? Now? No, who's on First, what's on second? Oh, no, never mind. Never mind. Oh, you mean that old Babe Costello? Are you fucking kidding me? Lou, lou Costello, what? Bud Abbott, lou Costello, brad Abbott, babe Costello, are you f? You can't be this fucking stupid. I don't think you know who wrote what's On First. Who, who what? This has got to be a joke. It's not the fucking Mormon Bridge, benny. I'm pretty sure it is. You're a fucking idiot.

Speaker 4 11:44

Mr Frederick Noah called me an idiot. You sure did.

Speaker 1 12:11

I'll be right outside. Let me know when you're done. That's suspicious, jacob. What's up? Just take the phone call. Who is it? Just pick up the phone.

Speaker 1 12:20

If this is some birthday sing-a-gram shit, dude, I swear to God, no, it's not. You yell every year about how you don't want anything and none of us fucking get you anything. Is this retaliation for Benny, then? I've tried to be nice to him. It's not my fault. He's half-tarded. It's not his fault either. You know that he had that stroke when he was reading Charlotte's Web. I didn't say the whole word, I said half-tarded. There's a big difference. I didn't say the whole word, I said half-tarded. There's a big difference. The only thing tarted is what just came out of your mouth. Now pick up the phone. Simple, jack, am I fired or something? If I was gonna fire you, it would have been a long fucking time ago. Then what is it? God damn it. Noah, just pick up the fucking phone and take the phone call. Are you fucking with me? I'm I'm walking out. What the fuck is going on. This is Noah. Yeah, what that happened this morning. No, I'm fine. Thank you, officer. I do appreciate the call.

Speaker 2 13:36

Fuck.

Speaker 1 13:40

Are you alright? My dad just died.

The Unexpected Phone Call

Speaker 2 13:45

The Gentle Art of Making Enemies. Starring Tim Welsh, Ben Gaddafi, Samantha Johnson, Wren Sorin, Katie Lee Rumpf, Tessa Thompson, Alexander Hamilton, Ryan Rumpf, Nick Vodka, Jason Flynn. Written and directed by Ben Gaddafi.