The Gentle Art of Making Enemies
Amidst the chaos of a family tragedy, two brothers confront their past and the choices that drove them apart. When Isaac refuses to go to his father's funeral, his brother Noah drives to Colorado to perform a good old fashioned kidnapping.
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies Episode 3
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Noah breaks into Isaac's apartment for a rude awakening. Literally. Forcing Isaac into the truck is harder than it seemed. After stopping for food, they end up stranded in a small town after the truck mysteriously won't start.
Credits:
Noah- Tim Welch
Dahlia- Katie Leigh Roumpf
Waitress- Tessa Thompson
Harmony- Tessa Thompson
Trucker: Alexander Hamilton
Isaac- Ben Kadaffi
Front Desk- Ben Kadaffi
Bar Tender 1- Nick Vodicka
Mechanic- Nick Vodicka
Music:
WEARETHEGOOD, Lynnea-Outrun
Biddy Sullivan- Fire and Bones
My My Snake Eyes- On a Good Day
Audio recorded by Matt Kuhl
Sound Solution Editing
Soundsolutionediting@gmail.com
Dialogue editing, sound design and foley done by Ben Kadaffi
Written and Directed by Ben Kadaffi
For The Gentle Art of Making Enemies merchandise go to www.whosaysproductions.com/store
Family Ties and Tensions
Speaker 1Son of a bitch ? I don't know . Holy shit , fuck dude , what the hell God , what the ?
Speaker 2fuck is wrong with you . Oh my God , there's blood everywhere .
Speaker 1You deserve that . I hope you know that I'm fucking bleeding , dude . Ah , I have your attention now , though don't I ? How the hell did you get in here ? The window was open , could have fucking knocked . Bro , I did on your face . Notice the pain you're experiencing . Fuck , fuck , definitely broken . Motherfucker . Hold on , hold on , stop , calm down . That's my brother . Fuck your brother . Yes , what kind of fucked up Fight Club family is this ? Fuck man ? I think she broke a fucking rib . Good , I hope she did .
Speaker 2God damn it . I'm fucking leaving . This shit is too weird for me .
Speaker 4You can hour on the devil , but you ain't gonna hour on me the Gentle Art of Making Enemies , written and directed by Ben Gaddafi , episode 3 . Family reunions can be tough , especially when your face collides with your brother's fist . Noah and Isaac can never seem to get along . A death in the family you'd think would bring unity . These two don't have the emotional capacity to brush things off . They're polar opposites that have one thing in common they're both assholes .
Speaker 1They're both assholes . You got an ice pack . If I did , it'd be in the freezer now , wouldn't it ? I'm using a steak . You don't know how to cook anyway . You're literally just trying to add insult to injury . I had no idea your nose could bleed so much . You owe me new sheets , dude . Sorry about all this , Dahlia . Call me later , Isaac . Sorry for scaring you , darling . Don't even start , Noah .
Speaker 2I'm not your darling dickhead .
Speaker 1Well , what should I call you then , dahlia ? Why did I ?
Speaker 2ask .
Speaker 3Isaac , can you hurry the fuck up ? How's your back feel ?
Speaker 1She's cute . Did you meet her in the police station ? Not be an asshole for two fucking seconds ? Only if you tell me what her asshole looks like , is it bleached ? Fuck off , noah . No , fuck you . Now pack a fucking bag and get in the goddamn truck . Why does it matter so much if I come or not ? You don't even fucking like me . No , I love you because I have to , but this isn't for you and I . This is bigger than us . Here comes the guilt trip . This is for Thomas Peterson , our father , the man who bent over backwards for us his entire life .
Speaker 1Yeah , well , so did Mom , and we respected her with a proper funeral . Now we're going to do the same thing for Dad . You inconsiderate , prick Inconsiderate . You just broke into my apartment Because you refused to come home . What's your point ? My point you just assaulted me in my bed and scared Dahlia half to death , to the point she had to defend me with a fucking baseball bat . That's my point , you mook . You have women fighting all your battles for you , mama's boy . I'm surprised you remember this one's name . Oh , fuck you . No , fuck you . Now go pack your stuffed animals in your Taylor Swift CDs so we can go . No one uses compact discs anymore . Dude , dude , I don't give a shit . You are absolutely psychotic . You know that you drove throughout the middle of the night to come kidnap your brother . For what ? To prove a point To who ? Yourself ? You wanna be real careful with your next few words Isaac , oh , what Can the big , strong man not handle ? A funeral by himself ? Get bent , that's it .
Speaker 1Fine , I'll go pack a bag you happy Geez , Want me to find some Prozac while I'm at it . You nut bar what was that Nothing .
Speaker 1Love you . Whoa , hold on . Is this Dad's truck ? Yep , how did you get it ? It was awarded to the son who wanted to go to his funeral . Is that comment necessary ? Yep , you know , this trip would be a lot easier if you quit being so fucking confrontational . Is that the Denver pussy speaking ? Are you gonna tell me how to focus my chi ? Shred some gnar , sticky , sticky dickhole , bro , it's sticky gnar . You know what ? Never mind , whatever , it all sounds like a circle jerk to me . Forget , I spoke . I usually do .
Speaker 1Why are you taking Highway 30 ? The speed limit's like 55 . I thought you'd appreciate . Taking the long way home , since you were so adamant on not coming home in the first place Doesn't mean I want to sit in a silent truck with my loving older brother . Can we at least turn on the radio in this shitbox ? No , why not ? I just drove 700 miles in a truck with over 400,000 miles on it , at an average speed of 100 miles an hour . So so I want to take the strain off the engine on the way back . I need to listen to it . I'll just keep talking . Then Do that and I'll hogtie you and throw you in the bed of the truck .
Speaker 1The rest of the way Seems a bit excessive . But okie-dokie , point taken , can we at least stop for something to eat ? I'm starving . Nope , grab some pork grinds on the next stop . We have plenty of time . Man , let's stop for one meal .
Speaker 1You probably haven't eaten since last night either . I'm sure kidnapping builds up an appetite . If you give a mouse a cookie , what , no , no , what . What the fuck are you talking about ? Oh Jesus , save me from this man . Noah , I know you're tired . I can see the luggage under your eyes . It looks like you're flying to Beirut . Food will probably help keep you awake for the drive .
Speaker 1You're probably right , I'll stop at the next town . Thank you , we wouldn't be in this situation if you had just agreed to come home . Not my fault , you're fucking mental . Wanna bet ? I got 50 bucks on your uncanny ability to avoid saying you're wrong . Look , we will stop . But if you try anything funny , I'm gonna zip tie you to the passenger .
Speaker 1Are you doing ? Sending a text With a flip phone To whom ? My wife ? What does it matter ? It matters because the constant beeping of your archaic phone is driving me up the fucking wall . What are you trying to type ? I'm telling her we're going to be home by 3 pm tonight , sent , she knows when we'll be home . What ? Why are you looking at me like that ? What are you doing with my wife's number ? What ? What the hell are you doing with my wife's number ?
Speaker 1I asked for pictures of her beeve . Relax , dude , it's my sister-in-law . You jealous bastard . Of course I have her number . I don't know why I'd be jealous of a man who picks up lot lizards named Dahlia .
Speaker 1Whatever , dude , that chick's hot as fuck , not too bright , though you know , dahlia is the symbol for dignity . What of it ? Well , not too much dignity in a three-day dick bender with your dumb ass . You really want to pick a fight in public right now . What's the matter , isaac ? You afraid somebody's gonna overhear that you got herpes . You're such a dick . At least my dick is disease-free . Does it make you feel better sleeping with those loose women ? You're just pissed . You got your ass kicked by a 100-pound woman . She came out of the shadows like the goddamn bear Jew and hit me with a baseball bat . I wouldn't necessarily say that was a fair fight . Repeatedly , you forgot to say repeatedly Whatever . At least I'm not sleeping with Tweedle dumbass like she is . It's frightening how funny you think you are . Look , I got breakfast . You get the tip . I'm gonna go use the restroom , finish your food , pay the tip , check the oil in the truck . I'm gonna be a minute . Yes , sir Rick .
Speaker 3This food's okay .
Speaker 2This'll do just fine , darling . Thank you . How are you , honey ? Oh , I've had better days . My rig broke down just outside of Colton . Well , ain't that just a pit ? Yes , ma'am , I'm hauling machine parts that have to be delivered on location by Thursday .
Speaker 1Sounds like your only mechanic in town is booked for the next couple days .
Speaker 2Yeah , there isn't much around here , so Tommy gets pretty busy with the highway traffic .
Speaker 4Seems like . Well , you got any recommendations for recreation around here .
Speaker 2Well , we have a dancer's club , the Wintergreen Wallaby , and we have a couple of bars , but that's about it . I'll be sure to check them out . Thanks again , darling .
Speaker 3Oh the things you hear while he's dropping .
Speaker 1Here comes a gorilla . That's all I want . Did you check the oil ? Yep , all good . Do you even know how ? I probably should have asked you before I had you do it . I know how to check the fucking oil .
Speaker 1Noah , what the fuck did you do ? What ? What the fuck ? Seriously , what the fuck did you do to the truck ? This truck is almost as old as dirt and you think it's my fault ? Fuck . Did you stick fruit in the tailpipe or something ? I didn't axle fully the fucking truck , noah , are you seriously checking for fruit , isaac ?
Speaker 1Noah , dude , I swear to God , what did you do ? It's a 40-year-old truck . Shit's bound to happen , not when Gabe just worked on it . Fuck . It's a 40 year old truck . Shit's bound to happen , not when Gabe just worked on it . Fuck , maybe he forgot something ? Son of a bitch . Calm down , dude . You're sabotaging little shit . I leave you alone for 10 minutes with the truck and now it won't start . This is fucking great , just fucking great . Call a mechanic . It's Little America . I'm sure even Granny Mae serving up grits in there is a fucking mechanic . Get the fuck out of here , dude . The woman's built like a Buick . Have her come out and take a look . Quit being a fucking smartass and look up a shopper on your fucking phone . No service , sorry . You just texted my wife . I got lucky , it went through . Just go inside and ask Fuck , two days , you can't look at it any sooner .
Speaker 4I have to get to my father's funeral .
Speaker 1Yeah , I appreciate it , brother . We're at the Highland Motel at by yeah , yep , just by the diner , yep .
Speaker 4Room 9 the diner Yep , room 9 . Thank you .
Speaker 1Bye . Great Stuck with Captain Dirty Dick . You know , I'm genuinely impressed with the durability of that phone after having you as an owner More reliable than my brother . Great joke , bill Burr Wasn't a joke . Whatever man Sounds like , we're stuck here for a minute or two .
Speaker 1Huh ? Stop reminding me , dude . I'm gonna go take a shower and then call Kirsten to come . Get us . Don't fuck with my toiletries , what , like I'm gonna piss in your shaving cream or something . Your dick's small enough . You wish R Kelly .
Speaker 1What about the truck ? R Kelly , what about the truck ? R Kelly did the pissing , wait , what ? Oh Jesus , I'm having a Benny flashback . Look , I can pay for whatever needs to be done and get it after the funeral . Kirsten's stuck doing all the prep work for it and we gotta be there to help her . Neato , it's your fault . We're in the mess in the first place . My fault , how is it my fault , dude ? I told you to check the oil and all of a sudden the truck won't start . I can't prove it , but you know you had something to do with the sabotage of the goddamn trip . I appreciate the trust you have in me ,
When Grief Meets Chaos
Speaker 1dude . Whatever I'm jumping in the shower , you should call her now , what ? Yeah , call Kirsten now , before you forget why I want to hear her rip you a new asshole . You call her , remember , you have her number . Nah , I'm good on that . She scares the shit out of me . That's what I thought .
Speaker 4Why don't you act like grown up ?
Speaker 2Fuck this , I wouldn't be surprised if he's a bastard son of Ted Kaczynski . Why the fuck do I care ?
Speaker 1Why do I even care about him coming to the fucking funeral ? He doesn't give a shit . Why should I ?
Speaker 2Why am I standing here talking to myself ? I always talk to myself when I'm hungry . I should just eat something . How'd that little fuck go find a place that's open ?
Speaker 1Hey , I had a thought Shit , when the hell did he go now ? Oh great what the hell does this note say Dear fuckface ? As riveting listening to you shower may seem , I decided to get out of the room and find a bar . Love you Go fuck yourself . Fucking little bastard .
Speaker 3Fuck that .
Speaker 1Yeah , where's the nearest bar ? Hey , have you seen a goofy looking guy ? Bruises under his eyes from a broken nose . Looks like he plays George Michael on repeat .
Speaker 4Never mind , I can hear his mating call down there .
Speaker 1Oh , you totally should Ever been to Denver . It's amazing this time of year Cool in the city , cold enough in the mountains to still ski or snowboard . Ah , shit , shit , shit . Here comes my brother . Hello , get up , we're leaving . No dude , I'm talking with someone . I met a friend . I don't believe I've actually caught your name . You are . My name is Harmony , of course it is Harmony .
Speaker 4That's a gorgeous name . My name's .
Speaker 1Harmony ? Of course it is Harmony . That's a gorgeous name . My name's Isaac . This is my older special needs brother , noah .
Speaker 4Nice to meet you .
Speaker 1Let's go , dude . I'm talking with Harmony and having a drink . I'm not leaving . She's gonna drug the shit out of you and harvest your kidneys . Let's go .
Speaker 4Oh , oh , no , I'm a vegetarian .
Speaker 1What in the actual fuck ?
Speaker 4It means I don't eat meat .
Speaker 1Congratulations , isaac . She's dumber than the last one . You need some Xanax or something . Bro , here have my beer . Maybe a miracle will happen with a little booze and you'll have a come-to-Jesus moment . So what do you do for a living Harmony ?
Speaker 4I'm a dancer .
Speaker 1Oh , that's cool . What kind Ballet Cheerleader for the Cowboys , maybe a backup dancer for Beyonce .
Speaker 4No , no , no , I dance at the Wintergreen Wallaby Jesus .
Speaker 1This hurts to listen to . Don't mind him , he's a Neanderthal . Wintergreen Wallaby that's a cool name . Why do they call it that that ? Probably because their C-section scars make them look like fucking marsupials . What the fuck .
Speaker 2Noah hey , you can't talk to my regulars like that buddy .
Speaker 1I am so sorry .
Speaker 4I'm gonna go sit over there .
Speaker 1There's a pole in the corner you can dry hump . You want me to play some ? Color Me Bad ? Oh , my god , just stop . Yeah , you're right , she probably only dances to WAP Dude , would you shut off the dick switch for 30 fucking seconds ? Oh , shut up , I just saved you from an itchy urethra . You're like an asshole . Fucking robot Must insult everyone . You can thank me later .
Speaker 2Let's fucking go , that's probably a good idea , buddy .
Speaker 1No , we're not leaving yet . Yes , we are . No , we're good , he's good , you're good right , you gotta go buddy .
Speaker 1Noah , our dad just died . I want to drink about it , and this is how I grieve . If you want to go back to the motel , by all means have at it . Hey , can I get a beer and two shots of whiskey please ? Same thing for both of us . Sure thing , we are going to sit here and have a couple drinks . I don't trust you . We need to go back to the fucking motel . Look , bro , we are stuck here . We might as well make the best of it . We can celebrate the life of a great man . Dude , you just want to get drunk . Well , yeah , don't you ? When was the last time you had a drink ? When you wrecked your truck ? Why does it matter ? Easy , there , hulk . I'm just saying you probably need more than that one beer you just slammed . Think about it while I hypnotize you with this beer .
Speaker 4You're stuck in with a man you hate . Your dad just died . You have nothing better to do while you wait for the truck to be fixed . You have a tiny penis . You must drink about it .
Speaker 1Think about it . Fuck it , I'm in . Yeah , that's the spirit . Look , I'm sorry , I bailed . I just needed out of the motel room . I was feeling a bit claustrophobic . Well , don't get used to this place , I don't want to be here all night . Cheers , cheers to Thomas Peterson .
Speaker 1We remember a great man , not in times of darkness , but we remember him in the light , for he was a Short and sweet . All right To Dad . Can we have two more over here ? See , man , a little bonding won't hurt us . How have you been besides all this ? Oh , now you want to gab like we're girlfriends . Just asking a question . Noah , lighten up . You remember Dad's friend Bill ? Oh , yeah , that guy was hilarious . Hell yeah , he was .
Speaker 1Dad told me the story about when they were working at the meatpacking plant . The job sucked . Everyone hated being there . High pay , sure , but the hours were long and it was a gross environment . Fucking smell was something else . Man , I wouldn't have wanted to work there either , god , I know .
Speaker 1Dad bought a washing machine for the garage because mom wouldn't let him in the house wearing work stuff . Oh , I remember that Shit would burn your nostrils . I can't blame her for that either , right , fucking horrendous . Well , anyway , there was , you know a situation where everybody was having a bad day , extended hours because the machine kept malfunctioning or something . Bill was covered in blood . As gross as it sounds , he'd sneak up on people and extend his arms . Give me a hug , asshole . Give me a hug , asshole . Oh God I'd have punched him Right .
Speaker 1Guy had a morbid sense of humor , but it would make people laugh , even though everyone in that building was having a shit day , shit life . Whatever . Bill found a way to get people to forget about their problems , even if it was just for like a second or two . Him and Dad both . Oh shit . You remember the time . You remember that time we were grilling out and Dad put the fireworks under the charcoal . Oh God , I forgot about that . Dude Bill spent the rest of the night shooting bottle rockets at him . Mom got so pissed , ran inside , came out with an arsenal of Roman candles , just annihilated both of them Dude .
Speaker 1I don't remember that part at all ? Dude , bill brought the spirit out in everyone . Goddamn right man . Here's to Bill , to bill . Oh fuck , yeah , yeah , hold on , I'm coming , hold on .
Speaker 2What ? Yeah , I had a chance to take a look at your truck this morning . Oh sorry man . What's wrong with it ? Well , nothing , actually . I saw the ignition wire was unplugged . Oh really , yeah , plugged it back in , started right up . Here's your keys . I've got my boy to follow me here so you don't have to come to the shop . That kid is like eight . Yeah well , you gotta learn sometime , huh .
Speaker 1God bless small towns . I appreciate it , man . What do I owe you ? Not a thing , man Don't worry about it , just want to make sure you get back in time for your daddy's funeral .
Speaker 2Thank you , man , I appreciate it no big deal . My condolence to you and your family . You have a blessed day , sir , you too .
Speaker 1What the fuck are you doing ? Wake up , I'm awake . What the fuck is the matter with you ? Is that shaving cream ? How ?
Speaker 1the hell do you know how to unhook an ignition module A ? What Ow ? Stop fucking hitting me , dude . What the hell is the matter with you ? The mechanic just dropped off the fucking truck Shit . So you admit it . I didn't want to come in the first place . Why not Help me understand this ridiculous bullshit ? Funerals are a pointless ritual for the living . Everyone just gets together to pat each other on the back and brag about how well they knew the deceased . It's about paying respect to the deceased . No , it's about parading around the living and one-upping each other with who had the better story .
Speaker 4Oh , you knew Bernie for 10 years . I knew him for 17 and a half . Yeah , well , I watched him be born because I was in the room .
Speaker 1Nobody actually gives a shit about the deceased , it's just everyone one-upping each other because they're fucking dicks . You fucking finished , are you ? I have shaving cream in my fucking eyeball , isaac , you fucking Neanderthal . Eyeball Isaac , you fucking Neanderthal . It's our father . Fuck everyone else there . It's about him and only him . I will not sit by and let you disrespect him like this . Fine , fuck it . I knew you wouldn't get it , you're right . I don't Explain it to me . I already have . What I do get is that you are a pallbearer . If you do not come , you screwed up for the rest of us . I'm still coming , aren't I ? I don't know , are you ? You just woke me up by assaulting me again and expect me to have another fucking fight with you . I'm not doing this first thing in the morning , dude . Fine , I'll pull the truck over on the side of the road later and I'll beat your fucking ass . I'm gonna go load the truck . I fucking , I fucking hate you . Love you too , dickhead .
Speaker 4The General Art of Making Enemies . Starring Tim Welsh , ben Gaddafi , samantha Johnson , wren Soren , katie Lee Rumpf , tessa Thompson , alexander Hamilton . Written and directed by Ben Gaddafi .