Hey Brock, did I scare you?
SPEAKER_06:I don't get scared. I just get even. But next time, announce yourself.
SPEAKER_15:It's me, Mewe, your partner, and sometimes rubber.
SPEAKER_06:Very funny.
SPEAKER_15:What is this place?
SPEAKER_06:An underground base of some kind. I notice some makeshift locked cages with crates and supplies behind us. My gut is telling me their headquarters must be even within the cave. That's where we'll find the raven.
SPEAKER_15:Oh! The raven! What is he after anyway?
SPEAKER_06:Like all extremely wealthy psychopathic villains I encounter, world domination at any cost.
SPEAKER_15:Even if it means destroying the world they wish to dominate in the process?
SPEAKER_06:Even then, but I don't think the raven considers the consequences.
SPEAKER_15:What is that large create over there?
SPEAKER_06:Come on, let's check it out. What? This jump change. Hold on.
SPEAKER_15:Wow! That boulder must have weighed over 700 pounds!
SPEAKER_06:A bitch more. Let's take a look at that crate.
SPEAKER_15:Damn it. Clate has huge paddle rock on it. Maybe I can find Krumba over here.
SPEAKER_06:No need.
SPEAKER_15:Wow! The crate just exploded.
SPEAKER_06:Courtesy of Hanshee Master Nahora. I'm a tenth degree black belt.
SPEAKER_15:What is in there? It's almost growing.
SPEAKER_06:I can feel it calling to me.
SPEAKER_15:What is that?
SPEAKER_06:It's the M134 GAU seventeen gatling gun.
SPEAKER_15:Gatling, like you lost an M. It's it's like it was made for you.
SPEAKER_13:An 80s adventure. A shoestring TV production. Tonight is episode two, titled The Cutting Room, Part One. Starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Frunk as Maury Stillman, and introducing Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus. Written and directed by Jason Beard.
SPEAKER_18:Yep. Ate at the Windsor. They have a beef wellington that's to die for. So, uh, you been? I'm a vegetarian. Alright, well, they have salad too.
SPEAKER_12:Before we get started, I have a question. Is there a reason this book has no chapters? It just seems to run on from one portion of Willie's life to the next with no discernible structure. One passage I'm in 83. The next paragraph I'm recounting Willie's childhood in the 60s.
SPEAKER_18:I don't know. Mr. Stillman felt by eliminating chapters he could save a significant amount of money on publishing costs or something.
SPEAKER_12:Mary Stillman being cheap. That doesn't surprise me.
SPEAKER_18:Oh, will this keep you from regaling us with your dulcet tones? No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_12:I think it's been firmly established that I'm doing this under dress.
SPEAKER_02:Hmm, well, I thought maybe it was the impending bankruptcy and career suicide. But what do I know? And we're rolling.
SPEAKER_12:Lyric Dorsey, the love of Willie's life, the one who got away. And who has now re-entered Willie's life, stands in front of the stage at the Ellipsis Club. She's beaming in anticipation for her current boyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, to take the stage.
SPEAKER_06:So, Lyric, what did you call this again? Spoken poetry?
SPEAKER_17:You would more likely hear it called slam poetry. The poets use their bodies to express themselves through engaging and sometimes controversial topics and sound.
SPEAKER_06:Okay.
SPEAKER_17:It will make more sense when you see it. He's stepping out now. Watch.
SPEAKER_12:Lyric gently wraps her arms around Willie's. She squeezes harder as her boyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, appears on stage. There was no questioning it. He had a presence. It made Willie furious.
SPEAKER_11:The road. A crossroad? Red light. Stop sign. You dig the path. Because you were told to. Smash, smash, smash, cash, cash, cash. You dig? Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask. Oh, baby.
SPEAKER_12:Just add. As rhythm continues its performative diatribe, Willie couldn't help but wonder, who is Rhythm Mercy? Rhythm Mercy was born on February 1st of 1954 in Washington, D.C. It's counting. Rhythm Mercy. Sculptor. Noticed Rhythm's uncanny ability to mimic any person movie. A Paul Lord Stunback High School random one class customer for all four years of the studio with the spirit head of the first major theatrical and drummer for the next year.
SPEAKER_17:It's me, Mr. Topaz.
SPEAKER_06:Yes, that's me.
SPEAKER_17:You have a call?
SPEAKER_06:Oh. Okay. Lyric, will you excuse me? And I'm so broken up about that. Really? It hurts, but.
SPEAKER_17:You're a big star now.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, nothing like that. I gotta take this. Seriously. It's been amazing seeing you. I'll be in touch soon. Unless you want to come with.
SPEAKER_16:I appreciate the offer, but I should probably stay here.
SPEAKER_06:Right.
SPEAKER_12:Probably for the best. Willie follows the club employee over to the bar and is handed a phone.
SPEAKER_06:Hello, this is Willie.
SPEAKER_05:Hey Willie. What are you up to?
SPEAKER_06:Maury, I'm watching something called slam poetry? Wait, how did you know I was here?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, I pay people to keep tabs on you. Relax. I make the studios pay for it. Doesn't come out of our bottom line.
SPEAKER_06:You pay people to spy on me?
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I mean, hey, you're a hot commodity and we can't be too safe. Say, um, any chance you can mosey on over to the Lewis B. Mayor Estate? You know it?
SPEAKER_06:Of course. Who doesn't? But why are you there?
SPEAKER_05:Well, you know, uh, the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06:What is the Lazarus?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, no, no, no. Not a what? A who? The Lazarus is a very successful and wealthy Hollywood film producer and financier.
SPEAKER_06:And I take it this Mr. Lazarus lives at the Louis B. Mayor estate.
SPEAKER_05:Well, it's not Mr. Lazarus. He is a she, and she just goes by the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06:You're making my brain hurt, man.
SPEAKER_05:Willie, can you just meet me here or not?
SPEAKER_06:Sure, Maury. Give me about an hour.
SPEAKER_05:Can you make it in uh 20 minutes? Uh scratch that. 19 minutes.
SPEAKER_06:Maury, why did you just count down?
SPEAKER_05:Uh, because the timer I'm staring at is counting down.
SPEAKER_06:Why are you staring at a timer?
SPEAKER_05:Well, I mean, it's not for my health. I can tell you that much. Shit! 18 minutes!
SPEAKER_06:Maury, I'm on my way.
SPEAKER_12:15 minutes and 22 seconds later, Willie brings Talon to a screeching halt in front of the iron security gate, protecting the Lewis B. Mayor estate. He exits his modified Pontiac Transam and walks towards the Rot Iron Gate. Without warning, the gate's open. Willie cautiously walks past the open security gate and approaches the wrought iron and cage front door situated centrally within the building where an on guard built like a brick shit house greets him.
SPEAKER_00:You miss the topaz? Uh yeah. I'm Willie.
SPEAKER_06:She's expecting you. You don't need to pat me down? I could be packing. Pat you down.
SPEAKER_00:She waited with you.
SPEAKER_12:Of the many darkened rooms that are visible from the foyer, Willie notices only one with lights on. He passes a spiraling staircase and slinks to a slightly open door. He presses his fingertips to the door and eases it open. Something releases from the shadow-bathed ceiling and floats to the floor. Shit, a rat just flew at me.
SPEAKER_05:It's not a rat.
SPEAKER_12:Willie steps closer to the fallen object and picks it up to inspect it. It's uh to pay?
SPEAKER_06:Mori, where are you?
SPEAKER_05:Up here.
SPEAKER_06:Whoa, what the hell? Why are you tangled in a net hanging from the ceiling?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, I think I'm just checking off the crown molding. That's superb work. What the hell do you think I'm doing up here? What do you mean? Get me down from here.
SPEAKER_06:How do you expect me to do that?
SPEAKER_05:There's a lever or something over by the mini-bar. Above the bottom of her mouth.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, this lever?
unknown:Ah!
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. That's the lever. Help me up, will ya?
SPEAKER_12:Willie helps Maury off the floor and is astonished by his manager's appearance.
SPEAKER_06:You you wear a piece? Not another word. Wow. You you're old.
SPEAKER_04:Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.
SPEAKER_05:I'm known for my luscious locks. I mean, look, Willie. We all have our secrets.
SPEAKER_01:And some secrets should stay that way, don't you think, Mr. Topaz?
SPEAKER_12:Willie is startled by the woman who seems to have simply materialized in the room. Standing in front of him is the mysterious Hollywood movie producer and financier known only as The Lazarus. She is tall, beautiful, elegantly dressed, and completely terrifying.
SPEAKER_06:Mrs. Miss the Lazarus, I presume.
SPEAKER_01:Here is a secret of my own, Mr. Topaz. It's Lady Lazarus. But men don't like to admit that a woman had them pissing in their pants, do they? So they conveniently drop the forename when they share the tale of being visited by the Lazarus.
SPEAKER_06:So, Lady Lazarus, tell me another secret. Why did you have my manager trapped in a net hanging from the ceiling?
SPEAKER_01:You're more handsome than I imagined. I'm pleased to see that you were a wise investment, after all.
SPEAKER_12:An investment? A fireplace behind Willie suddenly ignites, emitting toasty, quivering flames. The warm flickering light reveals an ornate queen and table secured in the center of the room. The incandescent glow also illuminates a variety of sharply-bladed weapons of all shapes and sizes adorning a long wall in front of him.
SPEAKER_01:Have a seat.
SPEAKER_12:Take a load off.
SPEAKER_01:Let me regale you with a tale.
SPEAKER_05:Hey, Willie! Can I have my rug back? It's a bit of a draft.
SPEAKER_01:Actually, I'll take that, Mr. Stillman. No! If you chilled, Mr. Stillman, sit close to the fire.
SPEAKER_12:Willie and Maury both sit down as instructed. Maury turns to the fireplace and watches as his toupee slowly burns the fire.
SPEAKER_01:Mr. Topaz. Are you familiar with the Louis B. Meyer estate? Particularly its history.
SPEAKER_06:I know more about the man than the mansion. I know he's the mayor and Metro Golden Mayor, otherwise known as MGM. I know he was born in the Russian Empire but grew up in Canada. Holy shit! You actually know that? I didn't even know that.
SPEAKER_01:Well, let's fast forward the tape to his time in Los Angeles. More pointedly, 1939, which some would call the golden year for MGM and for Mr. Mayer. Cinematic masterpieces were edited in this very room: Gone with the Wind, The Women, and The Wizard of Oz, to name a few. This room became known as the Cutting Room. As in the idiom on the cutting room floor.
SPEAKER_12:As Lady Lazarus raps on about historical cinematic virtue, Maury suddenly slides in his chair closer to the fireplace, his hands behind his back. He squeezes a hand through an opening in the back of the chair and tries to pluck his toupee out of the fireplace. Without flinching, Lady Lazarus turns a dial on a nearby wall and the fireplace erupts with stronger, large flames.
SPEAKER_04:Ouch! Ouch! Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm genetically predisposed to be excessive to fire!
SPEAKER_05:Mori! Can't blame me for trying.
SPEAKER_01:Let's just say we've appropriated the name for this room, even if its intended purpose has changed.
SPEAKER_06:And I'm probably not going out on a limb and saying that the cutting room has more to do with those blades on the wall than missing footage from Citizen Kane.
SPEAKER_01:That was an RKO film, but yes, you're picking up what I'm putting down.
SPEAKER_06:Okay. Message received. But I still haven't heard why.
SPEAKER_01:This role, Rock Gatling. Not only are you the lead, but this has become quite the payday for you. Wouldn't you agree?
SPEAKER_05:Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:Maury really fought for me.
SPEAKER_05:Any chance we can turn down the heat a bit? I'm feeling a little charbroiled.
SPEAKER_01:Ah, and here is where we arrive at Maury's secret. And not the one that involves his male-pattern bulness.
SPEAKER_05:Hey, I'm very vulnerable over here.
SPEAKER_01:I've financed many films over the years, and due to my affiliation with a certain Italian crime family, I prefer being the silent, silent partner. So when Maori came to me, talked about this new super talented actor he's representing, an actor deserving of opportunity and success, I would agree that he went to bat for you. And I was happy to oblige under certain conditions.
SPEAKER_06:Maury, is this true? Hey, I just wanted the best for you, kid. But what did you agree to?
SPEAKER_01:I'm afraid even he wouldn't be able to tell you that, Mr. Topaz. All he knew is that a day would come where a favor would be asked of him, in exchange for pumping several million more into the Brock Gatling budget, largely to support your rather exorbitant salary. And today was the day I came to collect.
SPEAKER_06:But he refused.
SPEAKER_01:Refused? I hardly understand the meaning of the word. No, no, no, no, no. He misunderstood.
SPEAKER_06:Which led to him hanging from the ceiling.
SPEAKER_01:He needed a different point of view to see the world from an alternate perspective. A rather mild nudge in the ribs, considering.
SPEAKER_06:And what is this favor being asked of him?
SPEAKER_01:Well, why ask for one favor when you can get a second one for free? First, deliver a package. A package? What package? What is it? I don't have to tell you that, Mr. Topaz.
SPEAKER_06:Um, right, right. Good point. Uh, very fair. And the second favor?
SPEAKER_01:A member of the family, his niece, Adriana Milano, aspires to be an actress. Let's say, a supporting role in the Brock Gatling film.
SPEAKER_06:The one we're in the middle of shooting right now? He'd have to convince the director. The script would have to be rewritten.
SPEAKER_01:It's impossible. No. Nothing is impossible. If the appropriate amount of pressure is applied. And you don't seem to be lacking in motivation.
SPEAKER_06:Since refusal is not part of your vocabulary, what happens if he's unsuccessful in completing these favors?
SPEAKER_01:Not he, but we. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that you were never supposed to be here in the first place. Until Mari decided to include you.
SPEAKER_05:I was sure I was about to be the roast beef sandwich in someone's sack lunch.
SPEAKER_01:There is still time, Mr. Stillman. But it's running out. So you better get to it. Both of you.
SPEAKER_05:So we can go?
SPEAKER_06:Not so fast, Maury. How much time do we have?
SPEAKER_01:The package is expected to be delivered at midnight, two days from now. You'll be meeting a courier with ties to the family. During this exchange, at the time of delivery, you'll also confirm that the Milano niece has been cast in the movie.
SPEAKER_06:Where does the package need to be delivered?
SPEAKER_01:Maury has the details. I'm not one to repeat myself. You have 48 hours. I'd suggest you get a move on.
SPEAKER_12:Willie and Maury stand and walk towards the entrance of the cutting room when they are interrupted.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, Mr. Topaz. I never answered your question. The what if? And I like you, Mr. Topaz. And I protect my investments. So no harm will come to you. But if you both fail to meet these demands, you will be indebted to the Milano Crime Family in perpetuity. And like so much celluloid, Mr. Stillman will be left on the cutting room floor.
SPEAKER_12:However brief, the silence in the room was deafening, and Willie couldn't stop trembling.
SPEAKER_01:Now, he'd caution in your response. I know your mama raised a gentleman. Do we understand each other?
SPEAKER_06:Yes. Loud and clear.
SPEAKER_01:Good. Now get the fuck out of here.
SPEAKER_06:I can't believe you did that, Maury. You said mosey on over. About an hour ago, I was standing next to the woman of my dreams, and now I'm making a delivery for the mafia. I lost my head. Indebted to the Malammo organized crime family in perpetuity? Are you serious?
SPEAKER_05:Officer. It was made from the fineest pool here and oxenhead. I didn't even know it was oxen and palm.
SPEAKER_06:And you're bald? What? Who would have seen that coming? I am not old. Yes.
SPEAKER_05:Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Stop the car. Stop the car. She may have scared us half to death, but she didn't take everything from us.
SPEAKER_06:What's that smell? That's right.
SPEAKER_04:The rug is back, baby.
SPEAKER_06:No, you didn't.
SPEAKER_05:You pulled your toupee out of the fire. That's right. Now come back home, my precious. My precious. Oh shit, ow! Oh, still really hot.
SPEAKER_06:Get that off your head. It looks like you rescued a gerbil from a house fire. Oh, we showed her, didn't we?
SPEAKER_05:She thought she won.
SPEAKER_06:Stop talking to it. Seriously. You need to get that thing out of my car. It smells like burnt shoes.
SPEAKER_05:I'm trying. I think it's melted to my head.
SPEAKER_04:Stop pulling! Stop pulling! It hurts!
SPEAKER_06:What are you thinking?
SPEAKER_05:I don't even have time for this. We have to get back to the studio. Oh no, no. I I I can't show up like this. Come on. I'm nothing without my hair. It's what I'm known for.
SPEAKER_06:It's not your hair. It's a Peruvian oxen's hair. This is no longer even hair. It's road Q.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, okay. Paul. Damn you.
SPEAKER_05:Paul, what your life depends on it.
SPEAKER_06:I'm trying, and as it turns out, our lives do depend on it. Thanks to you.
SPEAKER_05:Give me that. Did you get it? Does it look okay?
SPEAKER_12:Um, sure. Maury frantically opens the visor mirror.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_04:Where are my eyebrows? Oh, you pulled off my eyebrows?
SPEAKER_06:I did no such thing. I had a firm grasp on the toupee. I didn't touch your eyebrows. The melted glue must have dripped down.
SPEAKER_05:I'm I'm hideous. I'm a freak.
SPEAKER_06:I look like a naked mole. Hey, at least your eyebrows will grow back. I'm ruined. It's over. Ah, don't talk like that.
SPEAKER_05:Who am I without my hair? It was my identity.
SPEAKER_06:Look, there are plenty of bald leading men out there.
SPEAKER_05:Oh yeah. Name one.
SPEAKER_06:Oh, um, um you Don't say you, Brenner! Because he's the only one. Okay, enough. We need to focus. We have about two days before the delivery. Hold up. What time is it? Okay. I think I know how we can help you.
SPEAKER_05:What? What are you thinking? Just trust me. Okay, I trust you. Sorry about all that doom and gloom earlier. Well, let's get going. I sort of felt like you were gonna uh, you know, put the pedal to the metal.
SPEAKER_06:Is the nuke toupee still in a car?
SPEAKER_05:Um, well, uh throw it out, Maury. Well, uh I thought uh maybe uh I could take it home with me, yeah? It's not a pet. Throw it out! Well, goodbye, little buddy. Oh, we had some fun. You weren't just glued hair on my head. You were my partner in crime. We saw sunsets together, we survived wind tunnels, convertible rides, and even one ill-fated jet ski adventure. Well, uh, you just wanted to pay though. You were you were family. Get rid of it! Fine! You have me.
SPEAKER_12:The Trans Am Turbo Talent comes to a stop outside the back lot of Canon Film Studio. It's around midnight, and Willie is betting on the backlot being healthy.
SPEAKER_06:Okay, we're here. We're gonna need to sneak you onto the Brock set and find special effects and makeup.
SPEAKER_05:What? Why?
SPEAKER_06:We're gonna get you some hair. A wig? We can't afford for you to go into high school. We're running out of time.
SPEAKER_12:Willie and Mari enter the backlot of the Brock Gatling set and immediately secret themselves behind the rear of one in a line of talent trailers. In an effort to conceal his appearance, Mari wears the race car helmet that Willie gave him.
SPEAKER_06:Oh yeah. This is very subtle. It's either this or you can expose yourself with the follicle challenged mutant you really are. Alright, let's just move on. Just waiting for security to return to his posts. Okay, take gone. Let's go.
SPEAKER_12:They both round the rear corner of the trailer. Willie stealthily sneaks past the entrance to the trailer, but as May approaches.
SPEAKER_14:I don't bring my characters home, so I'm living with Maywey until the film is done. Interesting technique.
SPEAKER_05:Ah Willie, you either grew a new head or perhaps the end double.
SPEAKER_14:Who is this bald beauty standing next to you?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, uh, well. Hi, Miss Sooty. Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Um, Maury Stillman's hairless brother, uh, uh older brother, um, Barry Stillman.
SPEAKER_14:Well, hello, Barry Stillman. I didn't realize Maury had a brother, especially one so smooth. He's been my manager for years and never mentioned it.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yes. Well, uh, uh, we are both very mysterious and unfortunately estranged. Uh, I happen to be in town, and Willie suggested we have a reunion of sorts.
SPEAKER_14:How long are you in town?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, uh, a few days, uh, but I could be easily influenced to stay longer. Wow.
SPEAKER_14:Perfect. Well, now you know where I live, so if you need something to do, if you get lonely during your stay, feel free to stop by.
SPEAKER_05:The reunion could wait a couple hours. Why don't I just, you know?
SPEAKER_06:Maurice, Brother Barry. I really think we should get going now.
SPEAKER_05:Yes, yes. It was a delight meeting you, Miss Soony. Um, for the very first time ever, yeah. And I assure you, we will meet again.
SPEAKER_14:Such a gentleman. Please call me Abalonia.
SPEAKER_05:Ah, Abalonia. My little desert breeze. Until our next meeting.
SPEAKER_06:My little desert breeze.
SPEAKER_05:Is that what it feels like to be an actor? That was invigorating.
SPEAKER_06:Stick with your day job, Barry.
SPEAKER_12:The young, talented special effects makeup artist Trenton Drake is closing up shop as Wari and Willie arrive. Hey. Trenton.
SPEAKER_03:Willie! What are you doing here? Did the shooting schedule change?
SPEAKER_06:No. I'm not needed back on a set for a couple days, but I need a favor. Something, hush, hush, under the table.
SPEAKER_03:Now we're talking. What do you need? A bloodbath? Lots of core? Oh, even better! Explosives! I've got a ton of explosives! Let's rake something and blow it to high hell!
SPEAKER_06:No need for pyrotechnics. Do you have on hand what it would take to make very realistic hair?
SPEAKER_03:I mean, you name it, I can do it. What kind of hairstyle do you want?
SPEAKER_06:Oh, it's not for me.
SPEAKER_03:Okay, well, uh, who we talking about?
SPEAKER_06:Maury, come on in.
SPEAKER_03:Um hi. Whoa, whoa. Maury, what happened to you? You look like if a naked Morak got cast a plate like Sleuther. That's it!
SPEAKER_05:You can find me an Apollonious trailer!
SPEAKER_06:Maury, stop it! We don't have time for this. Trenton, work your magic. Do whatever you can do to restore his former beauty. Oh, including eyebrows.
SPEAKER_03:This will not be a problem.
SPEAKER_06:Excellent. Thanks, Trenton. Okay, Kojak, you stay here. Wait, where are you going? Gotta talk to Kiff about our new cast member.
SPEAKER_03:You wanna talk to Kif? Just be warned, our illustrious director normally goes on a post-shoot bender. I'm not sure how coherent he'll be.
SPEAKER_05:I have some uppers in my pocket if you think it'll help.
SPEAKER_06:No, thank you. I just need him awake and lucid, and that's iconic. Okay, enough talking. Wish me luck. Well, goodbye.
SPEAKER_05:Now Drinking, my good man. How familiar are you with Mullen?
SPEAKER_12:Willie knocks on the trailer door of Rocket Gatling's director, Kif Maxim. An indiscernible muffled sound of protest is heard. Willie decides to let himself in.
SPEAKER_06:Giff! Give! Wake up, man! I need to talk to you. It's important.
SPEAKER_08:What is what what do you what do you want? What do you want something? I don't know. GIF!
SPEAKER_06:Come over here. Sit. Sit on the couch.
SPEAKER_08:Oh no, no, no, no. It's pronounced Kiff, not the Kif Wheelie! Willie, oh you beautiful man! You carved from a marble, look at the face!
SPEAKER_06:Look at copy to the chicks, you're so beautiful. At least you're using your words now. Listen, I have a very important and urgent matter to discuss. It's literally a matter of life and death.
SPEAKER_08:Ah, the eternal struggle we must all face. From the immortal bard to die to sleep. To sleep perchance to dream. Aye, there is the rub that makes a calamity of so long a life.
SPEAKER_06:You're quoting Hamlet as a good sign.
SPEAKER_08:Ah my boy! Willie! It's you! It's wait a minute. How you get in here? Kiff! It's KIF! Stupid asshole! I hold this mirror to my face. I look into the eyes of the man staring above at me. I see truth and the man he whispers aback. Wait a minute, is Manos really that large? Oh my goodness, look at that thing.
SPEAKER_06:Holy hell, how am I ever gonna get you to sober up? Lady Lazarus is gonna kill me.
SPEAKER_08:Wait, did you say Lady Lazarus? Yes. You know her? Tell me what's going on. I have a sobered up.
SPEAKER_12:Meanwhile, back at the special effects and makeup department, Triton provides the finishing touches on Maury's new look.
SPEAKER_03:Maury, I've gotta say, this might be some of my best work. I don't get many opportunities for such subtlety.
SPEAKER_06:Oh yeah, very subtle.
SPEAKER_05:Willie, what do you think? Business in the front? Party in the back.
SPEAKER_06:You have yourself a mullet.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, you've heard of it. Uh so what's the word? Did you convince Keefe?
SPEAKER_06:Oh yeah. It didn't take that much. No shit.
SPEAKER_05:What'd you say?
SPEAKER_06:All I had to do was mention her name, and I had his undivided attention. He's having a contract drawn up as we speak.
SPEAKER_05:So, aha, we're all set. With Trenton's brilliant work, I can walk amongst the living again without tarnishing my reputation. Sentucci Milano's niece will have a role in the movie? All that's left now is to show up at the location tomorrow night at midnight and uh deliver this package.
SPEAKER_06:Speaking of, where are we supposed to meet? I left those details in your car. Where the fuck is my car?
unknown:Hey, hold up! Hold up!
SPEAKER_05:Hey, hey! Hey, are you the driver of that Pontiac Firebird Trans Am Turbo? Yeah, that's me. Damn, what a sweet ride.
SPEAKER_06:How much horsepower? Out 210. Oh, that baby must hum. It can go zero to 60 in about six seconds. I even like the color. Never seen that type of silver before. It's a custom job. A color scheme of my own design. Mixed silver with a little nickel, but the secret is a dash of octane red. Damn. I'd love to get a look under the hood sometime.
SPEAKER_05:Say, you know, I hate to break up the auto erotica love fest you two boys are having right now, but when you're done putting your motor boners away, any chance you could tell us where the sweet ride is? Yeah, I I had it towed. Yeah, you can't park it here. Toad? Do you know who this is? This is Willie Topez, star of the next big action franchise, Brock Gatlin. We were here for a very urgent meeting, and we were pressed for time. You know, you Hollywood types are all the same. Thinking you can just park your fancy cars anywhere you want. You know, some of us actually have to work for a fucking living.
SPEAKER_06:All right, all right. Just tell us where they towed it, and we'll leave it at that. No harm, no foul.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, sure thing, Mr. Topaz. It's the Lickety Splits Towing Company on, um, what was that street? Uh North Broadway. Lickety Splits, North Broadway. Got it. The least you could do is call us a cab, since you've inconvenienced us. Oh, sure. Why don't I just get right on that? Such a Hollywood elitist, just expecting us all to bow down, to jump at your every beck and call? God! You give the rest of us mullet heads a bad name!
SPEAKER_06:I can speak with them myself, if it's too much trouble. Oh, no, no, no, no. No trouble at all, Mr. Topaz. Uh, Gerard is on it.
SPEAKER_05:And you are Gerard? That's me. Gerard. Um, split personality much? He thinks the security guard was dropped on his head one too many times as a kid.
unknown:Hey.
SPEAKER_05:I will have you know I was dropped a total of two times, but this mullet covers up the bumps nicely. You Hollywood snobs all thumbing your noses at us when it suits you. You and your private dinners and cocaine parties, I'd rip that fucking mullet right off your head if it wasn't permanently fixed to your scalp, you asshole! Actually. Not another word.
SPEAKER_12:Willie and Mari are sitting in the back of a canary taxicab as they are driven to the Likety Splits towing company.
SPEAKER_07:Oh shucks. I'm uh I'm probably gonna kick myself for doing this. I drive celebrities all the time living out here, you know, but aren't you Willie Topaz? Yeah, that's me. Well, I seen your posters around town. Brock gatling. Looks awesome, man. Oh well, I appreciate that. I'm not all that used to being recognized. Yes. Oh man, it's only a matter of time, am I right? It'll happen, trust me. You got the juice, you know what I'm saying? You must uh you must do all right with the ladies, am I right? I do okay. He says with a straight face, yeah. I bet you got them swarming after you, don't you? Just drowning in it. But hey, you can never play it too safe, am I right? Play it safe? Yeah, man for your dadger. Uh, you know, your John Thomas. Dude, your one-eyed trouser snake? Hmm. How much longer? I'm telling you right now, Balzac condoms, once you try one, you'll never go back. Got a whole stash of them in the trunk. Don't take my word for it. Here, try it out for yourself.
SPEAKER_12:The cab driver hands Willie one condom, thankfully, still wrapped in its package.
SPEAKER_07:Uh, thanks. Here you go, Maury. Ew, don't give me that. Oh, come on, man. We dudes, we gotta look out for one another. You know what I'm saying? Just try it out. You and your pork sword will thank me for it. Know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god. Is this night ever going to end?
SPEAKER_12:As the seemingly endless night continues, Willie and Mari have arrived at the Liquid Splits towing company to retrieve Tylin, the modified Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.
SPEAKER_06:Yeah. Uh can I help you? Uh, yeah. My car was mistakenly towed here, and I'm here to pick it up.
SPEAKER_13:Not a problem. Come on in. I'll get you situated and have you out of here in a Jeff. Okay, what's the making model? It's a Pontiac Firebird Transam turbo. Damn, that was yours? Sweet ride.
SPEAKER_12:Say, what does the Just get me my goddamn car. Tylon is driven to the front lot of the towing company and pulls to a stop.
SPEAKER_13:Not a scratch. Like I said, we get you out of here in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
SPEAKER_05:You know, it seems like you'd say we'd get you out of here lickety split, since that's the name of your company and all.
SPEAKER_13:I don't understand the reference. Anyway, that'll be$200. Maury, pay the man.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yes, sir. It would be my pleasure. I'll make sure to invoice you, Lickety Split.
SPEAKER_12:Now that Willie and his beloved car have been reunited, he drives Mari back to his condo so they can both rest and finally put this dreadful day behind them.
SPEAKER_06:I hope they didn't smoke in here. Still smells funny. So, Maury, forgetting anything?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, yeah, right. I think I'm gonna contact someone at Balzac Condoms. I love the packaging. Maybe we can get some of that delicious commercial money. Just think of it, Willie. Your face on every Balzac.
SPEAKER_06:I'd really prefer not to think about that.
SPEAKER_04:Okay. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06:Um, anything else you may have for me?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, I do find it odd that uh one of the ingredients on the wrapper includes turpentine. But uh I don't know, condoms. When I'm having relations, I prefer to go on natural, if you will.
SPEAKER_06:Maury, what is the location for the drop-off tomorrow night?
SPEAKER_05:Oh, right. Uh it's uh it's uh oh uh I had it on me. Uh I wrote it down on a napkin. Uh I must have lost it when I was hanging upside down. You lost it? No, no, no, but I remember it. Uh shhh, hold on. It's uh oh, it's uh it's a bus stop uh at the corner of uh Forth and Soho in Boyle Heights.
SPEAKER_06:Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_05:You sure? Hey, I'm sure. Come on! I'm not a complete imbecile. I can remember things and you know, uh still mint, we hold on to stuff. My sister Rosie will tell you. We're known for our keeping of things and making sure they are secure. I mean, we're practically hoarders.
SPEAKER_06:We never misplaced never misplaced what the package. What do you mean? Mori, start talking.
SPEAKER_05:Well, um, when we finally made it out of the mayor estate, I had the package in one hand and the toupee in the other. Okay. And I placed the package right here on the floorboard, but but in the ruckus of trying to get the toupee off my head, and when you finally brutally ripped it off my head, uh shedding me of my precious eyebrows. Oh my god. Maury, get to the point. Yeah, it dropped on the floorboard next to the package. And when I And when you asked me to throw the toupee out the window, I must have uh grabbed the package by mistake.
SPEAKER_06:And you threw the package, the one we need to deliver tomorrow night at midnight, the package we have to hand over to a courier affiliated with the Milano Crime Family, the package we are supposed to be in possession of to save our very lives out the window for a to pay.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. We're dead!
SPEAKER_06:No, I'm not dead. You're dead. I'm just indebted to the mafia in perpetuity.
SPEAKER_04:Yes, okay. Uh I stay corrected. I retract that previous statement. I'm the one that will be dead. I don't wanna die.
SPEAKER_05:Oh, especially if it's an open casket.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, does it go back even dead? I can't be seen like this.
SPEAKER_13:And that's a wrap on tonight's nail-bighting episode of Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Front as Maury Stillman, Damon Allen as Rhythm Mercy, Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus, Diamondi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey, Leslie Grant as Avalonia Sooney, Brendan Ray as Trenton Drake, Mike Cunningham as Liketty Split Employee, John Scott as Bulky Guard, Katie Joestock as Club Ellipsis Employee, Larry Oblander as Canon Studios security guard, and Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxim. You can find a full list of credits in our show notes. Need more blowout batches, screeching tires, hot pink members-only jackets, and promos for AquaNet. Support us at patreon.com forward slash shoestring TV. Or look for us anywhere you listen to podcasts. And don't touch that dial because coming soon, episode 3, The Cutting Room, Part 2. I'm Mike Cunningham saying thanks for listening, and stay tuned.