The Cutting Room, Part 1

Episode 2 — “The Cutting Room, Part 1”

The Straight Dope

 Willie Topaz and Maury Stillman plunge from pulp fantasy to real danger:  A midnight summons to the Louis B. Mayer estate introduces the ice-cold power broker Lady Lazarus. Her message is simple—and terrifying: deliver a mysterious package and make room for a “family” favorite in the Brock Gatling film… or else.

What follows is a chaos sprint through Hollywood’s underbelly: a flaming toupee, a covert late-night raid on the studio for an emergency makeover (hello, mullet), a drunk director who sobers up the second he hears “Lazarus,” and Willie’s beloved Trans Am getting towed at the worst possible moment. As the clock barrels toward a midnight deadline, the stakes sharpen, loyalties wobble, and the cutting room isn’t just for film anymore.

The Bill

Starring:

• Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz (Brock Gatling)
• Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman
• Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus
• Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy (Narrator)
• Diamandi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey
• Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni
• Brendan Wreay as Trenton Drake
• Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer
• Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon

Also Starring:

• Mike Cunningham as Announcer/Lickety Split Employee
• Shaun Scott as Bulky Guard
• Katie Jostock as Club Ellipses Employee
• Larry Oblander as Gerard

The Company

• Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
• Associate Producer: Andy Parkin

The Theme

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

• Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
• Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
• Drums: Marcus Graham
• Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
• Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington

The Hub

• https://www.patreon.com/c/ShoestringTV
• https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/shoestringtv/topaz-and-stillman-an-80s-adventure-podcast
• https://youtube.com/@shoestringtv7048?si=js5A-O

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

Transcript

SPEAKER_15 0:40

Hey Brock, did I scare you?

SPEAKER_06 0:43

I don't get scared. I just get even. But next time, announce yourself.

SPEAKER_15 0:49

It's me, Mewe, your partner, and sometimes rubber.

SPEAKER_06 0:56

Very funny.

SPEAKER_15 0:58

What is this place?

SPEAKER_06 1:01

An underground base of some kind. I notice some makeshift locked cages with crates and supplies behind us. My gut is telling me their headquarters must be even within the cave. That's where we'll find the raven.

SPEAKER_15 1:15

Oh! The raven! What is he after anyway?

SPEAKER_06 1:20

Like all extremely wealthy psychopathic villains I encounter, world domination at any cost.

SPEAKER_15 1:26

Even if it means destroying the world they wish to dominate in the process?

SPEAKER_06 1:31

Even then, but I don't think the raven considers the consequences.

SPEAKER_15 1:36

What is that large create over there?

SPEAKER_06 1:39

Come on, let's check it out. What? This jump change. Hold on.

SPEAKER_15 2:03

Wow! That boulder must have weighed over 700 pounds!

SPEAKER_06 2:09

A bitch more. Let's take a look at that crate.

SPEAKER_15 2:15

Damn it. Clate has huge paddle rock on it. Maybe I can find Krumba over here.

SPEAKER_06 2:22

No need.

SPEAKER_15 2:28

Wow! The crate just exploded.

SPEAKER_06 2:33

Courtesy of Hanshee Master Nahora. I'm a tenth degree black belt.

SPEAKER_15 2:39

What is in there? It's almost growing.

SPEAKER_06 2:44

I can feel it calling to me.

SPEAKER_15 2:57

What is that?

SPEAKER_06 3:03

It's the M134 GAU seventeen gatling gun.

SPEAKER_15 3:08

Gatling, like you lost an M. It's it's like it was made for you.

SPEAKER_13 3:43

An 80s adventure. A shoestring TV production. Tonight is episode two, titled The Cutting Room, Part One. Starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Frunk as Maury Stillman, and introducing Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus. Written and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_18 4:46

Yep. Ate at the Windsor. They have a beef wellington that's to die for. So, uh, you been? I'm a vegetarian. Alright, well, they have salad too.

SPEAKER_12 5:00

Before we get started, I have a question. Is there a reason this book has no chapters? It just seems to run on from one portion of Willie's life to the next with no discernible structure. One passage I'm in 83. The next paragraph I'm recounting Willie's childhood in the 60s.

SPEAKER_18 5:16

I don't know. Mr. Stillman felt by eliminating chapters he could save a significant amount of money on publishing costs or something.

SPEAKER_12 5:24

Mary Stillman being cheap. That doesn't surprise me.

SPEAKER_18 5:29

Oh, will this keep you from regaling us with your dulcet tones? No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_12 5:36

I think it's been firmly established that I'm doing this under dress.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Hmm, well, I thought maybe it was the impending bankruptcy and career suicide. But what do I know? And we're rolling.

SPEAKER_12 6:01

Lyric Dorsey, the love of Willie's life, the one who got away. And who has now re-entered Willie's life, stands in front of the stage at the Ellipsis Club. She's beaming in anticipation for her current boyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, to take the stage.

SPEAKER_06 6:20

So, Lyric, what did you call this again? Spoken poetry?

SPEAKER_17 6:26

You would more likely hear it called slam poetry. The poets use their bodies to express themselves through engaging and sometimes controversial topics and sound.

SPEAKER_06 6:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_17 6:41

It will make more sense when you see it. He's stepping out now. Watch.

SPEAKER_12 6:48

Lyric gently wraps her arms around Willie's. She squeezes harder as her boyfriend, Rhythm Mercy, appears on stage. There was no questioning it. He had a presence. It made Willie furious.

SPEAKER_11 7:25

The road. A crossroad? Red light. Stop sign. You dig the path. Because you were told to. Smash, smash, smash, cash, cash, cash. You dig? Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask. Oh, baby.

SPEAKER_12 7:52

Just add. As rhythm continues its performative diatribe, Willie couldn't help but wonder, who is Rhythm Mercy? Rhythm Mercy was born on February 1st of 1954 in Washington, D.C. It's counting. Rhythm Mercy. Sculptor. Noticed Rhythm's uncanny ability to mimic any person movie. A Paul Lord Stunback High School random one class customer for all four years of the studio with the spirit head of the first major theatrical and drummer for the next year.

SPEAKER_17 8:33

It's me, Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_06 8:38

Yes, that's me.

SPEAKER_17 8:40

You have a call?

SPEAKER_06 8:41

Oh. Okay. Lyric, will you excuse me? And I'm so broken up about that. Really? It hurts, but.

SPEAKER_17 8:54

You're a big star now.

SPEAKER_06 8:56

Oh, nothing like that. I gotta take this. Seriously. It's been amazing seeing you. I'll be in touch soon. Unless you want to come with.

SPEAKER_16 9:06

I appreciate the offer, but I should probably stay here.

SPEAKER_06 9:11

Right.

SPEAKER_12 9:13

Probably for the best. Willie follows the club employee over to the bar and is handed a phone.

SPEAKER_06 9:22

Hello, this is Willie.

SPEAKER_05 9:24

Hey Willie. What are you up to?

SPEAKER_06 9:28

Maury, I'm watching something called slam poetry? Wait, how did you know I was here?

SPEAKER_05 9:36

Oh, I pay people to keep tabs on you. Relax. I make the studios pay for it. Doesn't come out of our bottom line.

SPEAKER_06 9:44

You pay people to spy on me?

SPEAKER_05 9:47

Yeah. I mean, hey, you're a hot commodity and we can't be too safe. Say, um, any chance you can mosey on over to the Lewis B. Mayor Estate? You know it?

SPEAKER_06 9:58

Of course. Who doesn't? But why are you there?

SPEAKER_05 10:02

Well, you know, uh, the Lazarus.

SPEAKER_06 10:06

What is the Lazarus?

SPEAKER_05 10:08

Oh, no, no, no. Not a what? A who? The Lazarus is a very successful and wealthy Hollywood film producer and financier.

SPEAKER_06 10:17

And I take it this Mr. Lazarus lives at the Louis B. Mayor estate.

SPEAKER_05 10:22

Well, it's not Mr. Lazarus. He is a she, and she just goes by the Lazarus.

SPEAKER_06 10:30

You're making my brain hurt, man.

SPEAKER_05 10:33

Willie, can you just meet me here or not?

SPEAKER_06 10:36

Sure, Maury. Give me about an hour.

SPEAKER_05 10:39

Can you make it in uh 20 minutes? Uh scratch that. 19 minutes.

SPEAKER_06 10:44

Maury, why did you just count down?

SPEAKER_05 10:48

Uh, because the timer I'm staring at is counting down.

SPEAKER_06 10:54

Why are you staring at a timer?

SPEAKER_05 10:57

Well, I mean, it's not for my health. I can tell you that much. Shit! 18 minutes!

SPEAKER_06 11:04

Maury, I'm on my way.

SPEAKER_12 11:11

15 minutes and 22 seconds later, Willie brings Talon to a screeching halt in front of the iron security gate, protecting the Lewis B. Mayor estate. He exits his modified Pontiac Transam and walks towards the Rot Iron Gate. Without warning, the gate's open. Willie cautiously walks past the open security gate and approaches the wrought iron and cage front door situated centrally within the building where an on guard built like a brick shit house greets him.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

You miss the topaz? Uh yeah. I'm Willie.

SPEAKER_06 12:04

She's expecting you. You don't need to pat me down? I could be packing. Pat you down.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

She waited with you.

SPEAKER_12 12:59

Of the many darkened rooms that are visible from the foyer, Willie notices only one with lights on. He passes a spiraling staircase and slinks to a slightly open door. He presses his fingertips to the door and eases it open. Something releases from the shadow-bathed ceiling and floats to the floor. Shit, a rat just flew at me.

SPEAKER_05 13:26

It's not a rat.

SPEAKER_12 13:30

Willie steps closer to the fallen object and picks it up to inspect it. It's uh to pay?

SPEAKER_06 13:37

Mori, where are you?

SPEAKER_05 13:39

Up here.

SPEAKER_06 13:41

Whoa, what the hell? Why are you tangled in a net hanging from the ceiling?

SPEAKER_05 13:47

Oh, I think I'm just checking off the crown molding. That's superb work. What the hell do you think I'm doing up here? What do you mean? Get me down from here.

SPEAKER_06 13:56

How do you expect me to do that?

SPEAKER_05 13:59

There's a lever or something over by the mini-bar. Above the bottom of her mouth.

SPEAKER_06 14:08

Oh, this lever?

unknown 14:12

Ah!

SPEAKER_05 14:14

Yeah. That's the lever. Help me up, will ya?

SPEAKER_12 14:19

Willie helps Maury off the floor and is astonished by his manager's appearance.

SPEAKER_06 14:28

You you wear a piece? Not another word. Wow. You you're old.

SPEAKER_04 14:40

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

SPEAKER_05 14:43

I'm known for my luscious locks. I mean, look, Willie. We all have our secrets.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

And some secrets should stay that way, don't you think, Mr. Topaz?

SPEAKER_12 14:57

Willie is startled by the woman who seems to have simply materialized in the room. Standing in front of him is the mysterious Hollywood movie producer and financier known only as The Lazarus. She is tall, beautiful, elegantly dressed, and completely terrifying.

SPEAKER_06 15:14

Mrs. Miss the Lazarus, I presume.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Here is a secret of my own, Mr. Topaz. It's Lady Lazarus. But men don't like to admit that a woman had them pissing in their pants, do they? So they conveniently drop the forename when they share the tale of being visited by the Lazarus.

SPEAKER_06 15:45

So, Lady Lazarus, tell me another secret. Why did you have my manager trapped in a net hanging from the ceiling?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

You're more handsome than I imagined. I'm pleased to see that you were a wise investment, after all.

SPEAKER_12 16:03

An investment? A fireplace behind Willie suddenly ignites, emitting toasty, quivering flames. The warm flickering light reveals an ornate queen and table secured in the center of the room. The incandescent glow also illuminates a variety of sharply-bladed weapons of all shapes and sizes adorning a long wall in front of him.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Have a seat.

SPEAKER_12 16:28

Take a load off.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Let me regale you with a tale.

SPEAKER_05 16:33

Hey, Willie! Can I have my rug back? It's a bit of a draft.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Actually, I'll take that, Mr. Stillman. No! If you chilled, Mr. Stillman, sit close to the fire.

SPEAKER_12 16:51

Willie and Maury both sit down as instructed. Maury turns to the fireplace and watches as his toupee slowly burns the fire.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

Mr. Topaz. Are you familiar with the Louis B. Meyer estate? Particularly its history.

SPEAKER_06 17:07

I know more about the man than the mansion. I know he's the mayor and Metro Golden Mayor, otherwise known as MGM. I know he was born in the Russian Empire but grew up in Canada. Holy shit! You actually know that? I didn't even know that.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Well, let's fast forward the tape to his time in Los Angeles. More pointedly, 1939, which some would call the golden year for MGM and for Mr. Mayer. Cinematic masterpieces were edited in this very room: Gone with the Wind, The Women, and The Wizard of Oz, to name a few. This room became known as the Cutting Room. As in the idiom on the cutting room floor.

SPEAKER_12 17:53

As Lady Lazarus raps on about historical cinematic virtue, Maury suddenly slides in his chair closer to the fireplace, his hands behind his back. He squeezes a hand through an opening in the back of the chair and tries to pluck his toupee out of the fireplace. Without flinching, Lady Lazarus turns a dial on a nearby wall and the fireplace erupts with stronger, large flames.

SPEAKER_04 18:17

Ouch! Ouch! Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm genetically predisposed to be excessive to fire!

SPEAKER_05 18:24

Mori! Can't blame me for trying.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Let's just say we've appropriated the name for this room, even if its intended purpose has changed.

SPEAKER_06 18:34

And I'm probably not going out on a limb and saying that the cutting room has more to do with those blades on the wall than missing footage from Citizen Kane.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

That was an RKO film, but yes, you're picking up what I'm putting down.

SPEAKER_06 18:48

Okay. Message received. But I still haven't heard why.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

This role, Rock Gatling. Not only are you the lead, but this has become quite the payday for you. Wouldn't you agree?

SPEAKER_05 19:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 19:03

Maury really fought for me.

SPEAKER_05 19:06

Any chance we can turn down the heat a bit? I'm feeling a little charbroiled.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Ah, and here is where we arrive at Maury's secret. And not the one that involves his male-pattern bulness.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

Hey, I'm very vulnerable over here.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

I've financed many films over the years, and due to my affiliation with a certain Italian crime family, I prefer being the silent, silent partner. So when Maori came to me, talked about this new super talented actor he's representing, an actor deserving of opportunity and success, I would agree that he went to bat for you. And I was happy to oblige under certain conditions.

SPEAKER_06 19:56

Maury, is this true? Hey, I just wanted the best for you, kid. But what did you agree to?

SPEAKER_01 20:06

I'm afraid even he wouldn't be able to tell you that, Mr. Topaz. All he knew is that a day would come where a favor would be asked of him, in exchange for pumping several million more into the Brock Gatling budget, largely to support your rather exorbitant salary. And today was the day I came to collect.

SPEAKER_06 20:32

But he refused.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Refused? I hardly understand the meaning of the word. No, no, no, no, no. He misunderstood.

SPEAKER_06 20:46

Which led to him hanging from the ceiling.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

He needed a different point of view to see the world from an alternate perspective. A rather mild nudge in the ribs, considering.

SPEAKER_06 20:59

And what is this favor being asked of him?

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Well, why ask for one favor when you can get a second one for free? First, deliver a package. A package? What package? What is it? I don't have to tell you that, Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_06 21:21

Um, right, right. Good point. Uh, very fair. And the second favor?

SPEAKER_01 21:28

A member of the family, his niece, Adriana Milano, aspires to be an actress. Let's say, a supporting role in the Brock Gatling film.

SPEAKER_06 21:40

The one we're in the middle of shooting right now? He'd have to convince the director. The script would have to be rewritten.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

It's impossible. No. Nothing is impossible. If the appropriate amount of pressure is applied. And you don't seem to be lacking in motivation.

SPEAKER_06 22:02

Since refusal is not part of your vocabulary, what happens if he's unsuccessful in completing these favors?

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Not he, but we. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that you were never supposed to be here in the first place. Until Mari decided to include you.

SPEAKER_05 22:21

I was sure I was about to be the roast beef sandwich in someone's sack lunch.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

There is still time, Mr. Stillman. But it's running out. So you better get to it. Both of you.

SPEAKER_05 22:38

So we can go?

SPEAKER_06 22:41

Not so fast, Maury. How much time do we have?

SPEAKER_01 22:46

The package is expected to be delivered at midnight, two days from now. You'll be meeting a courier with ties to the family. During this exchange, at the time of delivery, you'll also confirm that the Milano niece has been cast in the movie.

SPEAKER_06 23:03

Where does the package need to be delivered?

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Maury has the details. I'm not one to repeat myself. You have 48 hours. I'd suggest you get a move on.

SPEAKER_12 23:15

Willie and Maury stand and walk towards the entrance of the cutting room when they are interrupted.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Oh, Mr. Topaz. I never answered your question. The what if? And I like you, Mr. Topaz. And I protect my investments. So no harm will come to you. But if you both fail to meet these demands, you will be indebted to the Milano Crime Family in perpetuity. And like so much celluloid, Mr. Stillman will be left on the cutting room floor.

SPEAKER_12 24:04

However brief, the silence in the room was deafening, and Willie couldn't stop trembling.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

Now, he'd caution in your response. I know your mama raised a gentleman. Do we understand each other?

SPEAKER_06 24:22

Yes. Loud and clear.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Good. Now get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_06 24:42

I can't believe you did that, Maury. You said mosey on over. About an hour ago, I was standing next to the woman of my dreams, and now I'm making a delivery for the mafia. I lost my head. Indebted to the Malammo organized crime family in perpetuity? Are you serious?

SPEAKER_05 25:07

Officer. It was made from the fineest pool here and oxenhead. I didn't even know it was oxen and palm.

SPEAKER_06 25:18

And you're bald? What? Who would have seen that coming? I am not old. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 25:26

Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Stop the car. Stop the car. She may have scared us half to death, but she didn't take everything from us.

SPEAKER_06 25:46

What's that smell? That's right.

SPEAKER_04 25:50

The rug is back, baby.

SPEAKER_06 25:53

No, you didn't.

SPEAKER_05 25:55

You pulled your toupee out of the fire. That's right. Now come back home, my precious. My precious. Oh shit, ow! Oh, still really hot.

SPEAKER_06 26:06

Get that off your head. It looks like you rescued a gerbil from a house fire. Oh, we showed her, didn't we?

SPEAKER_05 26:12

She thought she won.

SPEAKER_06 26:14

Stop talking to it. Seriously. You need to get that thing out of my car. It smells like burnt shoes.

SPEAKER_05 26:22

I'm trying. I think it's melted to my head.

SPEAKER_04 26:29

Stop pulling! Stop pulling! It hurts!

SPEAKER_06 26:32

What are you thinking?

SPEAKER_05 26:35

I don't even have time for this. We have to get back to the studio. Oh no, no. I I I can't show up like this. Come on. I'm nothing without my hair. It's what I'm known for.

SPEAKER_06 26:47

It's not your hair. It's a Peruvian oxen's hair. This is no longer even hair. It's road Q.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Okay, okay. Paul. Damn you.

SPEAKER_05 27:02

Paul, what your life depends on it.

SPEAKER_06 27:04

I'm trying, and as it turns out, our lives do depend on it. Thanks to you.

SPEAKER_05 27:11

Give me that. Did you get it? Does it look okay?

SPEAKER_12 27:20

Um, sure. Maury frantically opens the visor mirror.

SPEAKER_05 27:24

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_04 27:26

Where are my eyebrows? Oh, you pulled off my eyebrows?

SPEAKER_06 27:31

I did no such thing. I had a firm grasp on the toupee. I didn't touch your eyebrows. The melted glue must have dripped down.

SPEAKER_05 27:42

I'm I'm hideous. I'm a freak.

SPEAKER_06 27:47

I look like a naked mole. Hey, at least your eyebrows will grow back. I'm ruined. It's over. Ah, don't talk like that.

SPEAKER_05 27:57

Who am I without my hair? It was my identity.

SPEAKER_06 28:01

Look, there are plenty of bald leading men out there.

SPEAKER_05 28:04

Oh yeah. Name one.

SPEAKER_06 28:07

Oh, um, um you Don't say you, Brenner! Because he's the only one. Okay, enough. We need to focus. We have about two days before the delivery. Hold up. What time is it? Okay. I think I know how we can help you.

SPEAKER_05 28:25

What? What are you thinking? Just trust me. Okay, I trust you. Sorry about all that doom and gloom earlier. Well, let's get going. I sort of felt like you were gonna uh, you know, put the pedal to the metal.

SPEAKER_06 28:41

Is the nuke toupee still in a car?

SPEAKER_05 28:44

Um, well, uh throw it out, Maury. Well, uh I thought uh maybe uh I could take it home with me, yeah? It's not a pet. Throw it out! Well, goodbye, little buddy. Oh, we had some fun. You weren't just glued hair on my head. You were my partner in crime. We saw sunsets together, we survived wind tunnels, convertible rides, and even one ill-fated jet ski adventure. Well, uh, you just wanted to pay though. You were you were family. Get rid of it! Fine! You have me.

SPEAKER_12 29:36

The Trans Am Turbo Talent comes to a stop outside the back lot of Canon Film Studio. It's around midnight, and Willie is betting on the backlot being healthy.

SPEAKER_06 29:48

Okay, we're here. We're gonna need to sneak you onto the Brock set and find special effects and makeup.

SPEAKER_05 29:54

What? Why?

SPEAKER_06 29:55

We're gonna get you some hair. A wig? We can't afford for you to go into high school. We're running out of time.

SPEAKER_12 30:05

Willie and Mari enter the backlot of the Brock Gatling set and immediately secret themselves behind the rear of one in a line of talent trailers. In an effort to conceal his appearance, Mari wears the race car helmet that Willie gave him.

SPEAKER_06 30:17

Oh yeah. This is very subtle. It's either this or you can expose yourself with the follicle challenged mutant you really are. Alright, let's just move on. Just waiting for security to return to his posts. Okay, take gone. Let's go.

SPEAKER_12 30:36

They both round the rear corner of the trailer. Willie stealthily sneaks past the entrance to the trailer, but as May approaches.

SPEAKER_14 30:52

I don't bring my characters home, so I'm living with Maywey until the film is done. Interesting technique.

SPEAKER_05 30:58

Ah Willie, you either grew a new head or perhaps the end double.

SPEAKER_14 31:04

Who is this bald beauty standing next to you?

SPEAKER_05 31:08

Oh, uh, well. Hi, Miss Sooty. Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Um, Maury Stillman's hairless brother, uh, uh older brother, um, Barry Stillman.

SPEAKER_14 31:19

Well, hello, Barry Stillman. I didn't realize Maury had a brother, especially one so smooth. He's been my manager for years and never mentioned it.

SPEAKER_05 31:32

Oh, yes. Well, uh, uh, we are both very mysterious and unfortunately estranged. Uh, I happen to be in town, and Willie suggested we have a reunion of sorts.

SPEAKER_14 31:43

How long are you in town?

SPEAKER_05 31:44

Oh, uh, a few days, uh, but I could be easily influenced to stay longer. Wow.

SPEAKER_14 31:53

Perfect. Well, now you know where I live, so if you need something to do, if you get lonely during your stay, feel free to stop by.

SPEAKER_05 32:03

The reunion could wait a couple hours. Why don't I just, you know?

SPEAKER_06 32:07

Maurice, Brother Barry. I really think we should get going now.

SPEAKER_05 32:14

Yes, yes. It was a delight meeting you, Miss Soony. Um, for the very first time ever, yeah. And I assure you, we will meet again.

SPEAKER_14 32:23

Such a gentleman. Please call me Abalonia.

SPEAKER_05 32:28

Ah, Abalonia. My little desert breeze. Until our next meeting.

SPEAKER_06 32:39

My little desert breeze.

SPEAKER_05 32:42

Is that what it feels like to be an actor? That was invigorating.

SPEAKER_06 32:47

Stick with your day job, Barry.

SPEAKER_12 33:01

The young, talented special effects makeup artist Trenton Drake is closing up shop as Wari and Willie arrive. Hey. Trenton.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

Willie! What are you doing here? Did the shooting schedule change?

SPEAKER_06 33:15

No. I'm not needed back on a set for a couple days, but I need a favor. Something, hush, hush, under the table.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

Now we're talking. What do you need? A bloodbath? Lots of core? Oh, even better! Explosives! I've got a ton of explosives! Let's rake something and blow it to high hell!

SPEAKER_06 33:42

No need for pyrotechnics. Do you have on hand what it would take to make very realistic hair?

SPEAKER_03 33:50

I mean, you name it, I can do it. What kind of hairstyle do you want?

SPEAKER_06 33:56

Oh, it's not for me.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Okay, well, uh, who we talking about?

SPEAKER_06 34:01

Maury, come on in.

SPEAKER_03 34:06

Um hi. Whoa, whoa. Maury, what happened to you? You look like if a naked Morak got cast a plate like Sleuther. That's it!

SPEAKER_05 34:20

You can find me an Apollonious trailer!

SPEAKER_06 34:23

Maury, stop it! We don't have time for this. Trenton, work your magic. Do whatever you can do to restore his former beauty. Oh, including eyebrows.

SPEAKER_03 34:35

This will not be a problem.

SPEAKER_06 34:37

Excellent. Thanks, Trenton. Okay, Kojak, you stay here. Wait, where are you going? Gotta talk to Kiff about our new cast member.

SPEAKER_03 34:46

You wanna talk to Kif? Just be warned, our illustrious director normally goes on a post-shoot bender. I'm not sure how coherent he'll be.

SPEAKER_05 34:58

I have some uppers in my pocket if you think it'll help.

SPEAKER_06 35:01

No, thank you. I just need him awake and lucid, and that's iconic. Okay, enough talking. Wish me luck. Well, goodbye.

SPEAKER_05 35:15

Now Drinking, my good man. How familiar are you with Mullen?

SPEAKER_12 35:28

Willie knocks on the trailer door of Rocket Gatling's director, Kif Maxim. An indiscernible muffled sound of protest is heard. Willie decides to let himself in.

SPEAKER_06 35:39

Giff! Give! Wake up, man! I need to talk to you. It's important.

SPEAKER_08 35:52

What is what what do you what do you want? What do you want something? I don't know. GIF!

SPEAKER_06 35:59

Come over here. Sit. Sit on the couch.

SPEAKER_08 36:04

Oh no, no, no, no. It's pronounced Kiff, not the Kif Wheelie! Willie, oh you beautiful man! You carved from a marble, look at the face!

SPEAKER_06 36:18

Look at copy to the chicks, you're so beautiful. At least you're using your words now. Listen, I have a very important and urgent matter to discuss. It's literally a matter of life and death.

SPEAKER_08 36:29

Ah, the eternal struggle we must all face. From the immortal bard to die to sleep. To sleep perchance to dream. Aye, there is the rub that makes a calamity of so long a life.

SPEAKER_06 36:49

You're quoting Hamlet as a good sign.

SPEAKER_08 36:54

Ah my boy! Willie! It's you! It's wait a minute. How you get in here? Kiff! It's KIF! Stupid asshole! I hold this mirror to my face. I look into the eyes of the man staring above at me. I see truth and the man he whispers aback. Wait a minute, is Manos really that large? Oh my goodness, look at that thing.

SPEAKER_06 37:34

Holy hell, how am I ever gonna get you to sober up? Lady Lazarus is gonna kill me.

SPEAKER_08 37:42

Wait, did you say Lady Lazarus? Yes. You know her? Tell me what's going on. I have a sobered up.

SPEAKER_12 37:57

Meanwhile, back at the special effects and makeup department, Triton provides the finishing touches on Maury's new look.

SPEAKER_03 38:04

Maury, I've gotta say, this might be some of my best work. I don't get many opportunities for such subtlety.

SPEAKER_06 38:13

Oh yeah, very subtle.

SPEAKER_05 38:16

Willie, what do you think? Business in the front? Party in the back.

SPEAKER_06 38:21

You have yourself a mullet.

SPEAKER_05 38:23

Oh, you've heard of it. Uh so what's the word? Did you convince Keefe?

SPEAKER_06 38:28

Oh yeah. It didn't take that much. No shit.

SPEAKER_05 38:31

What'd you say?

SPEAKER_06 38:32

All I had to do was mention her name, and I had his undivided attention. He's having a contract drawn up as we speak.

SPEAKER_05 38:40

So, aha, we're all set. With Trenton's brilliant work, I can walk amongst the living again without tarnishing my reputation. Sentucci Milano's niece will have a role in the movie? All that's left now is to show up at the location tomorrow night at midnight and uh deliver this package.

SPEAKER_06 38:58

Speaking of, where are we supposed to meet? I left those details in your car. Where the fuck is my car?

unknown 39:07

Hey, hold up! Hold up!

SPEAKER_05 39:10

Hey, hey! Hey, are you the driver of that Pontiac Firebird Trans Am Turbo? Yeah, that's me. Damn, what a sweet ride.

SPEAKER_06 39:17

How much horsepower? Out 210. Oh, that baby must hum. It can go zero to 60 in about six seconds. I even like the color. Never seen that type of silver before. It's a custom job. A color scheme of my own design. Mixed silver with a little nickel, but the secret is a dash of octane red. Damn. I'd love to get a look under the hood sometime.

SPEAKER_05 39:40

Say, you know, I hate to break up the auto erotica love fest you two boys are having right now, but when you're done putting your motor boners away, any chance you could tell us where the sweet ride is? Yeah, I I had it towed. Yeah, you can't park it here. Toad? Do you know who this is? This is Willie Topez, star of the next big action franchise, Brock Gatlin. We were here for a very urgent meeting, and we were pressed for time. You know, you Hollywood types are all the same. Thinking you can just park your fancy cars anywhere you want. You know, some of us actually have to work for a fucking living.

SPEAKER_06 40:18

All right, all right. Just tell us where they towed it, and we'll leave it at that. No harm, no foul.

SPEAKER_05 40:23

Oh, sure thing, Mr. Topaz. It's the Lickety Splits Towing Company on, um, what was that street? Uh North Broadway. Lickety Splits, North Broadway. Got it. The least you could do is call us a cab, since you've inconvenienced us. Oh, sure. Why don't I just get right on that? Such a Hollywood elitist, just expecting us all to bow down, to jump at your every beck and call? God! You give the rest of us mullet heads a bad name!

SPEAKER_06 40:50

I can speak with them myself, if it's too much trouble. Oh, no, no, no, no. No trouble at all, Mr. Topaz. Uh, Gerard is on it.

SPEAKER_05 40:58

And you are Gerard? That's me. Gerard. Um, split personality much? He thinks the security guard was dropped on his head one too many times as a kid.

unknown 41:10

Hey.

SPEAKER_05 41:11

I will have you know I was dropped a total of two times, but this mullet covers up the bumps nicely. You Hollywood snobs all thumbing your noses at us when it suits you. You and your private dinners and cocaine parties, I'd rip that fucking mullet right off your head if it wasn't permanently fixed to your scalp, you asshole! Actually. Not another word.

SPEAKER_12 41:42

Willie and Mari are sitting in the back of a canary taxicab as they are driven to the Likety Splits towing company.

SPEAKER_07 41:48

Oh shucks. I'm uh I'm probably gonna kick myself for doing this. I drive celebrities all the time living out here, you know, but aren't you Willie Topaz? Yeah, that's me. Well, I seen your posters around town. Brock gatling. Looks awesome, man. Oh well, I appreciate that. I'm not all that used to being recognized. Yes. Oh man, it's only a matter of time, am I right? It'll happen, trust me. You got the juice, you know what I'm saying? You must uh you must do all right with the ladies, am I right? I do okay. He says with a straight face, yeah. I bet you got them swarming after you, don't you? Just drowning in it. But hey, you can never play it too safe, am I right? Play it safe? Yeah, man for your dadger. Uh, you know, your John Thomas. Dude, your one-eyed trouser snake? Hmm. How much longer? I'm telling you right now, Balzac condoms, once you try one, you'll never go back. Got a whole stash of them in the trunk. Don't take my word for it. Here, try it out for yourself.

SPEAKER_12 43:08

The cab driver hands Willie one condom, thankfully, still wrapped in its package.

SPEAKER_07 43:13

Uh, thanks. Here you go, Maury. Ew, don't give me that. Oh, come on, man. We dudes, we gotta look out for one another. You know what I'm saying? Just try it out. You and your pork sword will thank me for it. Know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 43:29

Oh my god. Is this night ever going to end?

SPEAKER_12 43:35

As the seemingly endless night continues, Willie and Mari have arrived at the Liquid Splits towing company to retrieve Tylin, the modified Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.

SPEAKER_06 43:45

Yeah. Uh can I help you? Uh, yeah. My car was mistakenly towed here, and I'm here to pick it up.

SPEAKER_13 43:51

Not a problem. Come on in. I'll get you situated and have you out of here in a Jeff. Okay, what's the making model? It's a Pontiac Firebird Transam turbo. Damn, that was yours? Sweet ride.

SPEAKER_12 44:05

Say, what does the Just get me my goddamn car. Tylon is driven to the front lot of the towing company and pulls to a stop.

SPEAKER_13 44:15

Not a scratch. Like I said, we get you out of here in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

SPEAKER_05 44:20

You know, it seems like you'd say we'd get you out of here lickety split, since that's the name of your company and all.

SPEAKER_13 44:27

I don't understand the reference. Anyway, that'll be$200. Maury, pay the man.

SPEAKER_05 44:33

Oh, yes, sir. It would be my pleasure. I'll make sure to invoice you, Lickety Split.

SPEAKER_12 44:45

Now that Willie and his beloved car have been reunited, he drives Mari back to his condo so they can both rest and finally put this dreadful day behind them.

SPEAKER_06 44:55

I hope they didn't smoke in here. Still smells funny. So, Maury, forgetting anything?

SPEAKER_05 45:03

Oh, yeah, right. I think I'm gonna contact someone at Balzac Condoms. I love the packaging. Maybe we can get some of that delicious commercial money. Just think of it, Willie. Your face on every Balzac.

SPEAKER_06 45:17

I'd really prefer not to think about that.

SPEAKER_04 45:21

Okay. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_06 45:25

Um, anything else you may have for me?

SPEAKER_05 45:29

Oh, I do find it odd that uh one of the ingredients on the wrapper includes turpentine. But uh I don't know, condoms. When I'm having relations, I prefer to go on natural, if you will.

SPEAKER_06 45:44

Maury, what is the location for the drop-off tomorrow night?

SPEAKER_05 45:47

Oh, right. Uh it's uh it's uh oh uh I had it on me. Uh I wrote it down on a napkin. Uh I must have lost it when I was hanging upside down. You lost it? No, no, no, but I remember it. Uh shhh, hold on. It's uh oh, it's uh it's a bus stop uh at the corner of uh Forth and Soho in Boyle Heights.

SPEAKER_06 46:13

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_05 46:15

You sure? Hey, I'm sure. Come on! I'm not a complete imbecile. I can remember things and you know, uh still mint, we hold on to stuff. My sister Rosie will tell you. We're known for our keeping of things and making sure they are secure. I mean, we're practically hoarders.

SPEAKER_06 46:33

We never misplaced never misplaced what the package. What do you mean? Mori, start talking.

SPEAKER_05 46:44

Well, um, when we finally made it out of the mayor estate, I had the package in one hand and the toupee in the other. Okay. And I placed the package right here on the floorboard, but but in the ruckus of trying to get the toupee off my head, and when you finally brutally ripped it off my head, uh shedding me of my precious eyebrows. Oh my god. Maury, get to the point. Yeah, it dropped on the floorboard next to the package. And when I And when you asked me to throw the toupee out the window, I must have uh grabbed the package by mistake.

SPEAKER_06 47:26

And you threw the package, the one we need to deliver tomorrow night at midnight, the package we have to hand over to a courier affiliated with the Milano Crime Family, the package we are supposed to be in possession of to save our very lives out the window for a to pay.

SPEAKER_04 47:51

Yes. We're dead!

SPEAKER_06 47:56

No, I'm not dead. You're dead. I'm just indebted to the mafia in perpetuity.

SPEAKER_04 48:01

Yes, okay. Uh I stay corrected. I retract that previous statement. I'm the one that will be dead. I don't wanna die.

SPEAKER_05 48:10

Oh, especially if it's an open casket.

SPEAKER_04 48:12

Oh, does it go back even dead? I can't be seen like this.

SPEAKER_13 48:44

And that's a wrap on tonight's nail-bighting episode of Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Front as Maury Stillman, Damon Allen as Rhythm Mercy, Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus, Diamondi Devereaux as Lyric Dorsey, Leslie Grant as Avalonia Sooney, Brendan Ray as Trenton Drake, Mike Cunningham as Liketty Split Employee, John Scott as Bulky Guard, Katie Joestock as Club Ellipsis Employee, Larry Oblander as Canon Studios security guard, and Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxim. You can find a full list of credits in our show notes. Need more blowout batches, screeching tires, hot pink members-only jackets, and promos for AquaNet. Support us at patreon.com forward slash shoestring TV. Or look for us anywhere you listen to podcasts. And don't touch that dial because coming soon, episode 3, The Cutting Room, Part 2. I'm Mike Cunningham saying thanks for listening, and stay tuned.