The Cutting Room, Part 2

 Episode 3: The Cutting Room, Part 2

The Scoop

A midnight drop. An earthquake on Mulholland. A mystery package, studio trickery, and a surprise visit from Willie’s parents. With Lady Lazarus lurking and the Milano's closing in, Willie gambles everything on a daring plan to save Maury—what could possibly go wrong? 

The Players

• Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz (Brock Gatling)
• Jim Fronk as Maury Stillman
• Rebecca Lee as Lady Lazarus
• Damon Alums as Rhythm Mercy (Narrator)
• Lisa Stewart LeBon as Cleo Ames
• Shaun Scott as Dallas Ames & Tiny Tippy
• Leslie Grant as Abellonia Suni
• Eric Carlino as Clifford Moss & Stuey Longbottom
• Brendan Wreay as Trenton Drake
• Mitch Leschinski as Audio Engineer & Bear Wrangler
• Mike Pelletier as Kiff Maxon
• Michael Cunningham as Milano Courier & Announcer
• Logan Beard as Huey Longbottom

Also Starring:

• Melrose Johnson as Production Assistant
• Samantha DeSuze as Concierge
• Larry Oblander as Gaffer

The House

• Executive Producers: Terry Briscoe & Jim Fronk
• Associate Producer: Andy Parkin

The Anthem

"The Willie Strut" performed by Possum Bobby

• Producers: Robert Lloyd, John Pennington, Bob Harvey 
• Composer/All Guitars, Bass Guitar: Robert Lloyd
• Drums: Marcus Graham
• Post Production, Keyboards: John Pennington
• Recorded and Mixed at Fahrenheit Studio by Bob Harvey and John J.P. Pennington

The Biz

• https://www.patreon.com/c/ShoestringTV
• https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/shoestringtv/topaz-and-stillman-an-80s-adventure-podcast
• https://youtube.com/@shoestringtv7048?si=js5A-O

Concept by Jim Fronk & Terry Briscoe

Created, written, directed & mixed by Jason Beard

Transcript

SPEAKER_12 0:19

It's midnight. The eve of the delivery has arrived. Lily Topaz stirs in the shadows as he observes intrepidation as Maury Stoon, his manager and friend, walks the abandoned lot of the Cobalt Canine bus station at the corner of 4th Street in Soho in Boyle Heights. Maury finally spots the Milano courier who stands outside the entranceway to the abandoned bus station. The courier's face is bathed in shadow, preventing the stranger's glare from being seen. But Maury can feel it. In spite of every fiber in his being telling him to turn tail and run, Maury approaches the courier with the package in his charge.

SPEAKER_03 0:59

Stop right there. You stillman?

SPEAKER_09 1:02

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me.

SPEAKER_03 1:05

I assume you're the courier. In a manner of speaking, I'm told you have a message for me. You don't want the package? The message, first.

SPEAKER_09 1:16

Unless I was misinformed. Uh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I I have a message. See here, uh, the Milano niece. She has been cast in the Brock Gatling film. The contract has been drawn up. All she needs to do is sign.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Excellent. All right. On behalf of the Milano familia, Mr. Milano personally gives his thanks. Now, uh, the package. Here it is. Uh, don't suppose you'll tell me what's in there. Oh, uh, you'll find out. Thank you, Mr. Stillman. With regards from Mr.

SPEAKER_12 2:01

Milano. The courier brandishes a 45-caliber pistol and aims the weapon at Mari, who freezes in fear. The courier turned assassin has Mari dead to rights, but before he can pull the trigger, a second gun leaps out of the shadows and rushes toward Mari.

SPEAKER_20 2:19

Die, Maury! DIE! Maury! No!

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Shoestring TV proudly presents Topaz and Stillman, an 80s adventure, a shoestring TV production. Tonight is episode 3, The Cutting Room, Part 2, starring Terry Briscoe as Willie Topaz, Jim Front as Maury Stillman, written and directed by Jason Beard.

SPEAKER_12 3:33

Twenty-four hours earlier, Maury and Willie arrived at St. Cloud Road, where Maury believes he mistakenly threw the package out of the car window. Instead of his beloved, get charred to pay.

SPEAKER_06 3:44

Stop! Stop!

SPEAKER_02 3:47

Are you sure this is the place?

SPEAKER_09 3:49

St. Cloud Road. I know old Bel Air.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

Do you see it?

SPEAKER_09 4:00

Not yet. Wait, wait, I see it. It was pushed under a tree. Might have been hit by a car or something.

unknown 4:10

Shit.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Is it still in one piece?

SPEAKER_09 4:13

Sounds like it. That was easy. Are those claw marks?

SPEAKER_02 4:48

I can see that boy. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

SPEAKER_09 4:53

Stay calm. Make yourself hard. Um, this is not a two-time. This because I couldn't say goodbye to a two-bag. Oh, this is no way for a tie. Stop moving. I can feel this breath from my bow tie? What did you say? Hey, wait a minute. The bear has a bow tie. Willie! The bear has a bow tie! A bow tie? Mori, what the hell are you talking about? Tiny Tippy, is that you? You know that bear. Yes, this bear is acting roundy. He's the younger brother of Bart the Bear. It's Tiny Tippy. Uh, believe it or not, he almost signed with me.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Tiny Tippy? Nothing tiny about him.

SPEAKER_09 5:54

It's ironic. Hey Tippy, uh, why are you out here, buddy? You almost represented a bear. It would have happened too, but he wouldn't agree to my five percent of the back end. Uh, did I agree to five percent of the back end? Uh Willie, uh this is hardly the time to talk money. Wait, Tippy, where's your wrangler, buddy? Ho ho, there you are, my little bear buddy. Looks like you lost your bear. Yeah, yeah, sorry about that. Uh, no offense, but isn't this sort of your whole job? To, you know, wrangle him.

SPEAKER_05 6:40

No argument there, but Tippy's a special breed, a true escape artist. He skips out on us about once a month. A 700-pound black bear that runs away from home. 1100 pounds, but uh, who's counting, am I right? Oh, he's not running away. Trust me, he gets treated better than the Prince of Wales. Tiny Tippy just has an endless curiosity.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Any chance we've satisfied his curiosity? Some of us need to get some shut-eye.

SPEAKER_09 7:11

Oh, sure. You just have to tell him goodbye. Okay, simple enough. Goodbye, Tippy. No, you have to hug him. This night just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Any chance we could do this quickly? Oh, sure, Willie, no pressure. Let me just give this 800-pound beast a big old bear hug.

SPEAKER_05 7:32

1100 pounds, but who's counting? Uh, this is embarrassing. You just insulted tiny tippy.

SPEAKER_09 7:42

Oh, hey, sorry, big fella. I meant nothing by it. A bear hug is just uh uh the turn of phrase. Come here, you big hairy lug.

SPEAKER_05 7:56

Oh, that's a good hug.

SPEAKER_09 7:58

Whoa! What's that smell? Oh man, he's ripe. Oh, he knows. Uh it's part of the dominance thing. The bear who smells the strongest? No, it's in his rider. He only gets bathed every three months. What a prima donna! All right, well, uh, this has been a real pleasure, Tippy. You can say goodbye now. Goodbye, Tippy. Uh-oh, he's waving his paw. Is he waving goodbye?

SPEAKER_05 8:28

No, he's saying something smells.

SPEAKER_09 8:32

Something stinky, boy? What stinks, Tippy? Oh, he's he he's covering his nose now.

SPEAKER_05 8:38

Oh, sir. Your uh your backside, uh what? Maury, did you just shit!

SPEAKER_09 8:45

Ha! I mean it's a giant bear. He's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Yep. Uh-huh. After what you put us through, there's no way I'm letting you sit in talent. You're walking home.

SPEAKER_09 8:59

Willie, how!

SPEAKER_02 9:01

Have a heart, will you? Sorry, pal. I've bailed you out enough for one night. You're on your own.

SPEAKER_09 9:09

Willie! Say, Mr. Bear Wrangler. Uh you got any room? Care to give me a lift?

SPEAKER_05 9:30

I got tiny trailer hitched in my pickup. Yeah, there's some leg room in there. Room? In the animal trailer.

SPEAKER_09 9:39

With an 800-pound bear?

SPEAKER_05 9:42

1,100 pounds. But who's counting?

SPEAKER_12 9:56

It's 4 a.m. Willie arrives at his apartment worse for wear, exhausted. He opens the front door, places the mysterious package on his dining room table, tosses the car keys on his kitchen counter, ignores his answering machine, and collapses face first into the bed. Until there's a knock at the door. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Willie storms out of his comfortable bed and stomps toward his front door, the past evening still reeling in his mind. Mari putting his and Willie's life at risk, all for financial gain and Willie's own fate potentially in the clutches of the mafia, all by the hands and at the orders of Lady Lazarus? Lady Lazarus lunges at Willie, ensnaring him in a deep embrace, and then places her lips on his.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Oh, stop it. Just my stage name.

SPEAKER_16 11:58

Oh, I'm well aware.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

So, I have to ask, what is this?

SPEAKER_16 12:04

What is what?

SPEAKER_02 12:06

You making a house call.

SPEAKER_16 12:08

I told you I have a great interest in my investments.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Oh, and is this how you treat all of your investments?

SPEAKER_16 12:18

No, no. Some don't have the perfect shaped ass that you do.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Got it. So this is just more of a booty call.

SPEAKER_16 12:27

It was fun. But that's all it was. I was curious, and you satisfied that curiosity. With a vengeance, I might add.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

And what if I refused?

SPEAKER_16 12:44

We've been down this road, honey. You didn't stand a chance. I can see you're disappointed. But don't be. If you need to feel it was something special, then know this. I don't need almost any of my investments like this. I'm not as protective of them as I am of you.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Protective? Like protecting your bottom line?

SPEAKER_16 13:18

You make it sound so cold, so heartless. And how could you accuse me of having no heart? Since you felt it pounding against your chest only hours ago. I just wish.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

Just wish what?

SPEAKER_16 13:36

Oh, it's nothing.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

No, it's okay.

SPEAKER_16 13:40

You can tell me. I just wish I could provide the same level of protection for him. Him who? Your manager, Mari. Nope. Unfortunately, he's made his own bed. Okay, sugar. I gotta go.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Wait, what do you mean he's made his bed? I thought he was safe as long as we made the delivery tonight.

SPEAKER_16 14:02

You have to understand, Willie. In these types of circumstances, I'm little more than the messenger. There isn't anything else that I can do. I've probably said too much already. Get some rest. Don't let anything stand in the way of making that delivery tonight. That package over there on the dinner table, it must be put in the hands of the courier directly at midnight.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

But Maury, he's my friend. If circumstances for him have changed, I'd like the chance to help him.

SPEAKER_16 14:36

Then you better hope to make it to the drop-off on time. I fear that is the only possible hope you have. You know what? I'm sure he'll be fine. I have to go.

SPEAKER_12 14:51

Goodbye, Willie. Lady Lazarus gently kisses his cheek and then turns from Willie, promptly exiting the apartment. Willie's mind is reeling. He walks over to his dining room table to examine the package meant for delivery with the mafia-employed courier. He places a hand on the wrapper and then, without thought or foresight, Willie rips the package open. He peers inside. His eyes widen and his jaw drops. Willie urgently enters his kitchen and picks up his phone. Meanwhile, back at the Canon Films Backlot on the Brock Gatling set, Mari Stillman awakens in Abalonia Sunnis talent trailer, Sans Wig, posing as his fictional, estranged brother, Barry Stillman.

SPEAKER_11 15:51

Oh, Barry, I must admit, I didn't think I'd see you again. But the way you entered the trailer, so animalistic. Even down to your grizzly-like musk. It left me downright beguiled and transfixed.

SPEAKER_09 16:08

More like uh a black bear-like musk. But yes, my sultry desert breeze. This is the Stillman way. We enchant, we charm, then we bathe vigorously, and then we dazzle and engross. Oof, I'm glad I had the full-size shower installed. Then shall we dirty ourselves so we can partake in the full-size shower once more? Oh, Barry!

SPEAKER_11 16:36

You beast. Yes, who is it? Hey, you know I'm still in character.

SPEAKER_10 16:47

Right, right. Yes? Which uh one are you looking for? Um more than one?

SPEAKER_09 16:56

Let me clear this up, my cactus flower. Uh, I doubt my brother Maury has mentioned to anyone in the set that I'm in town.

SPEAKER_11 17:03

Okay, Black Bear, but hurry back to me, please. Mayways getting hungry.

SPEAKER_10 17:10

Oh, sorry. I thought Maury Stillman was uh Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_09 17:14

I'm his brother Barry, but I can take the message.

SPEAKER_10 17:17

Oh, great.

SPEAKER_09 17:18

It's Mr. Topaz. Wait, he's here? No, on the phone. Here's Mr. Topaz. This is Barry Stillman. How can I help you? I'm I'm very busy.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Okay. Wait. Hold up. Did you? Are you in Babylonia?

SPEAKER_09 17:37

No, I am not. My beautiful brother Barry is. Well, he was, and and he will be again as soon as this conversation is over.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Maury, I just wanted to say.

SPEAKER_09 17:49

What? What? What do you need to talk about?

SPEAKER_02 17:52

I shouldn't have made you get a rat home with someone else last night. I shouldn't have left you behind.

SPEAKER_09 17:57

Ah man, look, Willie. I put us through a real doozy of a day yesterday. That's what I do. Start with something I think will turn out good, and and then it just turns into a big heaping pile of shit. Right. Uh but only when black bears are involved.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

What is it now? Huh? Oh, someone's at the door. Be right there. Okay, let me see who this is. See you tonight.

SPEAKER_09 18:29

Willie, uh, um, so we're good. You and I.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Always, Maury. Always.

SPEAKER_09 18:37

See you then.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Oh, Maury. You should definitely call your contact at Ballzack Condoms. I think it's a quality product.

SPEAKER_09 18:45

Um, okay, and how do you know that?

SPEAKER_02 18:49

I'll see you tonight, Maury. Bye. Yes? Can I help you?

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Uh-uh. Uh, are you Mr. Topaz?

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Uh, depends on who's asking.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Okay, I work at the front desk and we got an urgent message from Mr. Topaz.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

Yep, that's me. What's the message?

SPEAKER_00 19:07

It simply says, change of plans. Meet the man in the pinstriped overcoat at exactly 2 p.m. LAX Gate 3.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Pinstriped overcoat LAX Terminal 3, 2 p.m. Got it.

SPEAKER_12 19:27

Willie arrives at LAX Terminal 3. It's 2 p.m. His eyes probe the crowd, looking for a man in a pinstriped overcoat amongst a sea of travelers. As of what happened, the man wearing the coat would find him.

SPEAKER_08 19:42

Are you Willie Topaz? Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Just answer the question.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Yes, I'm Willie.

SPEAKER_08 19:52

The famous actor, star of Brock Gatling?

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Well, I don't know if I'd describe myself as famous yet. Um, I brought the package. Kinda glad to get this over with. Package?

SPEAKER_12 20:05

What package? Wait a minute. Who are you? Willie turns toward the mysterious man and grabs him by the collar to reveal he is actually Dad?

SPEAKER_08 20:14

My boy! So what did you think of my message? Pretty dramatic, right? Dad, I thought you were wait, why are you dressed like that? Fresh duds, right? I was going for a mafia type. Only thing I'm missing is a Tommy gun.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Yeah, great suit. Guess the joke's on me. Dad, why are you here?

SPEAKER_17 20:40

Now my son, the busy movie star, is not going to stand there and tell me. He's too busy for his mom and dad. Mom?

SPEAKER_02 20:48

You're both here.

SPEAKER_17 20:50

Clayton, did you actually forget we were coming? Um. I told you we should have phoned first.

SPEAKER_08 20:56

I just figured no matter how high his star rose, he wouldn't be too big for his britches. To make time for his two loving parents.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

You're landing on pretty thick there, Pops.

SPEAKER_17 21:09

Did you really forget our plans, son?

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Of course not. Uh, remind me what they were? The plans?

SPEAKER_17 21:18

You're taking us to Canon Studios to give us a tour of the Brock Gatling set. Then your father will be an extra for a shootout scene you're shooting tonight. Hence his fresh duds. Then tomorrow, a tour of Los Angeles, Malibu, the Sunset Strip, shopping on Rodado Drive.

SPEAKER_08 21:36

Don't forget the giant lobsters at the palm.

SPEAKER_17 21:38

Then finally, lobster dinners at the palm. Does all of this ring a bell?

SPEAKER_02 21:45

Yep. That is the plan, just like we discussed. Uh, now, there may be a few detours along the way, if that's all right.

SPEAKER_08 21:54

As long as it doesn't keep us from my big screen debut or those delicious lobsters, you'll hear no complaints from me.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Absolutely. So, where are you two staying? I can drop you off and get you checked in.

SPEAKER_17 22:06

Um, you were supposed to have made reservations at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Oh, of course I did. Sure.

SPEAKER_12 22:23

With time ticking away in the dreaded impending delivery fast approaching, Lily races through the 405.

SPEAKER_17 22:29

Is this how one drives in Los Angeles? Can you please slow down?

SPEAKER_08 22:34

Slow down? This coming from a former Olympic gold medal champion of track and field?

SPEAKER_02 22:41

Sorry, Mom. This car is built for speed.

SPEAKER_08 22:43

I must say, this is one fine piece of machinery. Although I've personally found the study of combustion engines to be perfunctory, when one travels in such style in McKee's mode, you can't help but respect the chemical reaction erupting within the chassis. Do you happen to know what lightweight composites were used to enhance aerodynamics? Sorry, Pops.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

I forgot to ask. Next car. I'll definitely make it a point to inquire.

SPEAKER_17 23:10

Where are all the blue skies and sun? It seems so gray. Nothing like I see in the flyers.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

Oh, we have plenty of days like that. But it's amazing how quickly the day can turn into one you weren't expecting.

SPEAKER_08 23:26

Whoa, whoa, stop, stop! That's Dustin Hoffman! Wow! Truly astonishing! Celebrities are on every street corner! That's a homeless man, Dad. Are you sure? The resemblance is uncanny.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

Yes, pretty sure the Oscar-nominated Dustin Hoffman doesn't eat out of a trash can behind Fat Burger. Even the transients look like movie stars.

SPEAKER_17 23:50

How intriguing. The traffic is ridiculous. How do you manage to get anywhere in this town?

SPEAKER_08 23:57

How can you be so unimpressed, sweetheart? This is the home of Hollywood!

SPEAKER_17 24:02

Glitz and glamour! Look, if smog and vagrance are your idea of glitz and glamour, that Mom, you're sounding a little uppity there.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

You've been here all of five minutes. This city has its charm. You'll be a believer by the end of your trip.

SPEAKER_17 24:18

If you say so, it doesn't matter. I didn't come here to sightsee. I'm just so happy to see my baby boy. And that manager of yours, Mr. Stillman, he isn't trying to lure you in with drugs and parties.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

No. Oh, he trips the light fantastic, no doubt, but he would never risk my health, or let's face it, my looks. I'm his cash cow. And he needs me to move all the way to the bank.

SPEAKER_08 24:45

It deserves to be celebrated. The lineage of good looks you hail from.

SPEAKER_17 24:50

Oh my, just don't forget you're an extra, Mr. Ames. Your son is the one who gets the spotlight.

SPEAKER_08 24:57

I may give you a run for your money, my dear boy, once the director sets his sights on me. At this hour, he'll probably see two of you.

SPEAKER_17 25:05

Is there anyone sober in this town?

SPEAKER_08 25:08

You're looking at him. And uh, what are the uh ladies of Hollywood like?

SPEAKER_17 25:17

Dallas Ames. Don't you encourage your son's philandering ways? Son, what you need is a nice lady. Someone with a strong family background, an independent, a professional, a woman with a good head on her shoulders. What was the name of that young Lyric?

SPEAKER_02 25:37

Lyric Dorsey?

SPEAKER_17 25:38

That's her. She was such an angel. Whatever happened to her?

SPEAKER_02 25:44

We need longer than this bumper to bumper traffic jam to work through that one. But as it would turn out, she's in town and an actress too. Wait, you've seen her?

SPEAKER_08 25:54

Your high school sweetheart? Well, why didn't she join you? And how come you didn't mention that you two were an item?

SPEAKER_02 26:01

That's because we're not. She has a boyfriend, also an actor, a real pretentious type.

SPEAKER_08 26:09

Rhythm Mercy. What on God's green earth is a rhythm mercy? That's his actual name? Doubt it's his real name. Sounds like a rejected Earthwind and Fire member. Who are his parents? Tempo and Pitch Mercy?

SPEAKER_12 26:26

As the traffic begins to let up, Willie begins to. Excuse me, what are you laughing at? Willie's dad. Oh, he has your number. Earthwind and Fire is a highly reputable and successful band. I'm proud to even be tangentially associated with them.

SPEAKER_05 26:44

Oh yeah, I am very familiar, but you ain't one of them, boss.

SPEAKER_12 26:49

I'll have you know I was this close to being a backup singer for one of their recent concerts.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

Oh. Yeah, and what happened? How did that fall through? You seem like, uh, such a shoe-in.

SPEAKER_12 27:01

I just happened to mention that I would require a 365-degree radius of four feet around me to ensure proper acoustics. Huh. I can't imagine why they said no. It was a low point, no doubt.

SPEAKER_05 27:14

Aww, I'll make sure to send my condolences to your parents, tempo and pitch. I'm going to get back to reading now. By all means, we're speeding along.

SPEAKER_12 27:30

Willie Topez arrives at the Cannon Studio Backlog with his parents. He parks in a security-approved backlog parking space and guides his star-gazing parents onto the Brock Gatling set. They are quickly intercepted by Kit Max, the film's director, who has already begun his afternoon personal happy hour.

SPEAKER_21 27:50

Ah, Willie! My smooth block of marble. Look at you. Look at that face. You're so handsome. Oh, is this the Topaz family? Oh my goodness, what a striking menage!

SPEAKER_17 28:05

We're the Ames family, actually. Topaz is our son's stage name. Oh, Ames! Like a Brock Gatling, Ames at the machine gun.

SPEAKER_21 28:18

How sofra dente?

SPEAKER_02 28:20

How are you, Kiff? I'm very proud to introduce to you Cleo and Dallas Ames. As you can see, my father is already dressed for the part of Mafioso 2. Oh, and a menacing, a taller drink of water he is.

SPEAKER_21 28:33

You are so much look at you. Now tell me, Dallas, have you any acting experience?

SPEAKER_08 28:40

Believe it or not, I was quite the precocious 15-year-old and appeared in a very successful string of local commercials out of Chicago as a young lad. You never told me that before. Who were the commercials? Stewie Longbottom Slaw Dogs. Uh say again? Whoa! You were the little boy in the Stewie Longbottom commercials. The one and only Huey Longbottom.

SPEAKER_13 29:21

I don't know what me, but I'm doing all the

SPEAKER_18 30:11

No way! Those dogs were unreal! A real staple of my childhood! Oh man! My clogged arteries and cholesterol count, thank you. Can I have an autograph?

SPEAKER_08 30:22

My autograph? Well, I do aim to please. Son, do you have a pen? Uh there you go. Lord have mercy. Thank you, Mr. Ames. It's a real honor. My pleasure. How about that? Tell me I'm just an extra now. Everyone makes space. Someone's head is getting bigger. You came by your love of acting naturally, my son.

SPEAKER_09 30:52

Wait. Do my eyes deceive me?

SPEAKER_17 30:56

Is that Debbie Allen? Oh now you stop it, Maury. You won't charm me with your lecherous ways.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Hey, Maury. Any chance you can get these two booked at the Beverly Hills? Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 31:11

I have them in Bungalow 22. A beautiful pigs. Wait. How did you know? One of my spies told me, trust me, buddy. I got you covered.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

We're gonna have to renegotiate on this whole spy situation. But for now, thank you. And your spies very much.

SPEAKER_09 31:30

Mrs. Ames, if you will allow me to escort you, I heard you were fascinated with our wardrobe and costume department. And I've set it up so that you can try on anything you want. Lead the way, Mr. Stillman.

SPEAKER_19 31:46

Mr. Maxon, can I have a word? Ah, yes. What is it, my dear boy? We were all set for the big shootout scene today, but our shipment of stage blood is delayed. We only have around 12 ounces left.

SPEAKER_21 31:58

What about the detrench coat? Is it wired and ready? Oh yeah. It's ready to pop. Okay. So, Willie, my shining beacon, my million-dollar face. It looks like we brought you here to the set for nothing. Mr. Ames, my sincerest apologies. We are going to have to delay your debut. Mr. Drake, what time do we expect the vads of a theatrical blood? By noon. Tomorrow. What? Ay, La Merda. So just to summarize, we have the guns. We have the actors. We have the location. We have the blanks. We have the squibs. But no blood? No blood.

SPEAKER_19 32:41

Just enough for the squid packets, but not for the additional actors or that set itself.

SPEAKER_21 32:46

Uh oh. Life of a director, eh? It's a torturous profession. My advice. Unitelli. Do not get into the movies. Okay, we are not shooting today. I'm off to my turn to my to uh to the place I go when we are not shooting. Arriva Derchit. Oh jeez.

SPEAKER_12 33:09

As the news of the delayed shooting is announced, Willie's thoughts turn to Mari and the impending danger and possible death Lady Lazarus seemed to foretell postcoitus.

SPEAKER_02 33:20

Hold on. Trenton, I think I found a way to save the day. How many guns are loaded and ready? We have three. Any pistols? Yep, two.

SPEAKER_19 33:30

What are you cooking up, Willie?

SPEAKER_02 33:33

Come with me. Dad, looks like you will have your debut after all.

SPEAKER_12 34:10

All packed in the Cannon Studios production band, rolling down Interstate 10 at night. The crew head towards the Cobalt C-9 bus station. The time?

SPEAKER_02 34:21

It's 11:15 p.m. I appreciate you meeting with me on such a short notice, Mossboss.

SPEAKER_07 34:26

It will be the last time if you keep using that nickname.

SPEAKER_02 34:31

Sorry, buddy. I think it's got legs. So, what was a single dad like you do out this late anyway? You actually saved me from a blind date.

SPEAKER_07 34:39

Oh, the Mossboss. Looking for a little afternoon delight? My sister set it up.

SPEAKER_17 34:46

And you said we saved you from the date.

SPEAKER_02 34:49

Sorry, Clifford. Let me introduce you to my parents, Cleo and Dallas Ames.

SPEAKER_07 34:53

It's a real pleasure to meet both of you. Your son is my prized pupil, and dare I say, my friend. We've heard nothing but positive feedback about you, Moss Boss. You're right. That nickname isn't going anywhere.

SPEAKER_09 35:07

Okay, now that we're all one big happy family here, a couple of questions. First, Will, why did you force me to wear this coat?

SPEAKER_02 35:15

Considering we have one chance to get this right tonight, I wanted to ensure you made a good impression.

SPEAKER_09 35:21

Certainly. I'll buy it. And and why is Trenton Drake following us? No offense to him, but I don't see how having someone as trigger happy as Trenton will help this drop-off go smoothly.

SPEAKER_02 35:32

Keeping Trenton's role close to the vest for now.

SPEAKER_09 35:35

Okay. Okay. And why is the Moss boss here?

SPEAKER_07 35:41

I was about to ask the same thing. Not that I'm complaining.

SPEAKER_02 35:44

Moss, my dad here has some acting experience, but it was way back when he was a kid.

SPEAKER_09 35:49

So, the silent era.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

Watch it, Mari. He'll be uh shooting a scene tonight, and I was hoping you could get him into character. It wasn't that long ago. If you say so. Anyway, I need you to work on his performance. My performance? Dad, you're going to be a mafioso type background extra. How'd you like to actually have a line or two? Who knows? Maybe it will be enough to get your sag card. I already have my sag card. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_09 36:23

Willie, stay on track, please.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

Right, right. Um, sorry. Anyway, moss boss. Think you could turn my dad into a gangster slash hitman?

SPEAKER_07 36:32

Hey, it's me, the Moss Boss. See? It's catching on. So what type of gangster are we talking about here? James Cagney from Public Enemy, or more laid back with an undercurrent of menace? Marlon Brundle's style from The Godfather. Well, I was thinking.

SPEAKER_08 36:53

Actually, I got this all worked out. Oh, do you? I was born in Chicago, and so was Al Capone. Scarface himself.

SPEAKER_02 37:04

Hmm. That's a great name for the title of a movie. Someone should make that one day.

SPEAKER_17 37:11

So, Dallas, I'd love to hear a little of your Al Capone rendition.

SPEAKER_08 37:16

Okay, okay. Ready. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun, see?

SPEAKER_02 37:25

This is why the moss boss is here. What? No good. Willie, how much time do I have? It's uh 1120 now. The delivery, uh I mean, the scene will be at midnight. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_09 37:38

Willie, you're not turning this life and death situation into a scene for Brock Gatlin.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

Maury, just trust me.

SPEAKER_08 37:46

Whoa! Look at that! It's Richard Gere! He's driving a taxicab? Dad, that's just a taxi driver. This town is fascinating. Everyone is beautiful. The competition must be fierce.

SPEAKER_02 38:03

Okay, we're approaching Moholland Bridge. Moss boss. Go ahead and work your magic. We have about 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_07 38:10

Okay, Mr. Ames. What is something that makes you really angry? Oh, easy.

SPEAKER_02 38:18

Did you hear that?

SPEAKER_09 38:19

Yeah. Sounds like something Apollonia and I may have implemented when we were doing the no pants dance. Please spare us.

SPEAKER_17 38:28

Oh, I can solve this mystery. Dallas, what device did you happen to smuggle with you this time? Oh, that's right.

SPEAKER_08 38:35

It's a prototype for a portable seismometer. I'm fascinated with the plate tectonics in California. Ow, a seismeter. Doesn't that detect earthquakes? Precisely, Mr. Stillman. Very good. Uh does that mean we're having an earthquake right now?

SPEAKER_02 38:53

Oh, well, um, oh shit.

SPEAKER_15 39:25

What?

SPEAKER_02 39:28

Shit. Everyone okay?

SPEAKER_09 39:31

Uh yeah, even my hair's still intact.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

Oh, I'm very relieved to hear it.

SPEAKER_07 39:37

Mom, Dad We're fine, son!

SPEAKER_17 39:40

All in one piece.

SPEAKER_07 39:42

Willie? Will the van start? We need to get off this bridge.

SPEAKER_02 39:53

Damn it. The ban is totaled. We're gonna have to go on foot. Everybody, out.

SPEAKER_09 40:03

Shit, I hope they don't take this out of my per diem.

SPEAKER_19 40:11

Willie. You all okay?

SPEAKER_02 40:13

Hi, Trenton. Glad to see you made it. Do you have any room in your ride?

SPEAKER_19 40:20

Sure. Hop in.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

Okay, well, everybody run.

SPEAKER_12 40:38

As the Moleholland bridge crumbles apart piece by piece. The grid breaks toward the end of the bridge before they plumb it to the ground below.

SPEAKER_09 40:47

Everyone hold on to something!

SPEAKER_12 40:52

A section of the bridge really is running when it breaks apart and he loses his grips in the package.

SPEAKER_18 40:59

I lost the package! It's gliding away! I got this. Will wait! Will you go mom? Keep moving forward!

SPEAKER_04 41:18

Oh man, I love this song! Oh hot damn would you look at that? Hey Tiny Tippy, we know those guys, right? Bumped into them last night. Isn't that right, Tippy? Hey, Tippy! Ah, goddamn it, not again.

SPEAKER_12 41:43

The group are only a few yards away from the bottom of the bridge. They frantically run that photo as the Mulholland Bridge disappears.

SPEAKER_19 41:50

Hey guys!

SPEAKER_12 41:51

What is it, Drake?

SPEAKER_19 41:52

Not to alarm anyone, but uh it would appear we have a bear and a bow tie chasing us, huh? And a bow tie.

SPEAKER_08 42:03

Holy shit, it's an actual bear!

SPEAKER_12 42:06

Alice Ames jumps into Cleo's arms. She puts her strut into high gear.

SPEAKER_09 42:15

What'd you do to piss this bear off again? Well, I mean, we simply had a brief but strongly worded disagreement in this trailer.

SPEAKER_02 42:22

Well, let's hope he can't jump over tall objects. Everyone, jump.

SPEAKER_09 42:42

Poor tiny skippy.

SPEAKER_02 42:44

Just be glad you didn't sign him. Okay, people. We have about 10 minutes before delivery. I need everyone to follow me and buck it.

SPEAKER_12 42:59

It's midnight. The eve of the delivery has arrived. Willie Topaz stirs in the shadows as he observes intrepidation as Maury Stillman, his manager and friend, walks the abandoned lot of the Cobalt Canine bus station at the corner of 4th Street in Soho in Boyle Heights. Maury finally spots the Milano courier who stands outside the entranceway to the abandoned bus station. The courier's face is bathed in shadow, preventing the stranger's glare from being seen. But Maury can feel it. In spite of every fiber in his being telling him to turn tail and run, Mari approaches the courier with the package in his charge. Be ready with the remote emulators.

SPEAKER_02 43:45

We lost them in the earthquakes, and there should still be a sufficient car in the world.

SPEAKER_07 44:16

And you remember the line we came up with? Your goal is to handle pure menace. Oh, I will have menace coming out of my ears.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

I'll take that as an affirmative. Sounds like we're all safe. Willie? Excellent. Okay, everyone, stay alert and wait for my cue.

SPEAKER_12 44:34

Willie breaks radio contact and notices his mom is giving him a disappointed stare.

SPEAKER_17 44:39

What is it? You may have all of them fooled, but you don't fool me. You just better hope this plan of yours works out the way you think it will.

SPEAKER_02 44:48

Trust me, it can't go wrong.

SPEAKER_12 44:50

Please don't go wrong. And just as Willie utters those words, it would appear to go very, very wrong, as the courier employed by the Milano Crime Family points a gun directly at Maury Stillman. With regards from Mr. Milano.

SPEAKER_15 45:08

Okay, Dad. Go, go!

SPEAKER_12 45:12

Without warning, another man aiming a gun emerges from the shadows. The courier is caught off guard. Mari is too.

SPEAKER_20 45:21

Die, Maury! Die!

SPEAKER_12 45:25

The courier, unsure which side this mysterious gunman is on, ducks behind the wall and looks on in stunned silence.

SPEAKER_09 45:31

Whoa! What the hell? Mr. Ames, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_12 45:37

Before Mari can inquire further, Dallas Ames, dressed as a gangster, fires the pistol. Mari doesn't feel a bullet penetrate his skin, but that doesn't stop the coat he's wearing from bursting forth with powerful splatters of copious blood. It dawns on Mar instantly. He must appear to be blown to pieces. It must be witnessed that he dies.

SPEAKER_09 46:51

Oh, please let my desert rose abalemonia know. There was plenty more where that came from. Oh, my sweet, sweet friend Willie. We sure had some good times. Maybe not in the last 48 hours, but I before that, plenty of great times. Oh to my strange father, an uglier twin brother Mary. What can I say? It's like I never knew you. It's almost as if you never existed at all.

SPEAKER_15 47:36

He's really doing this.

SPEAKER_12 48:08

The carrier slowly stands to his feet and watches as Maurice Stillman lay on the ground, still soaked in his own blood.

SPEAKER_15 48:17

Mr.

SPEAKER_19 48:17

Topez, threatened to stay off radio. Sir, Mr. Stillman's wig! What? It's coming off! He must have loosened it when it collapsed.

SPEAKER_12 48:28

Shit. As the courier holsters his weapon and begins to leave the scene, his attention turns to the hair on Maury's head and watches in disbelief as a gust of wind sends the apparently deceased manager's hair flying like a tumbleweed.

SPEAKER_03 48:45

What the shit? That's not Mr. Stillman. He has gorgeous feathered hair, and uh this man is uh what uh he's bald.

SPEAKER_12 48:55

The courier approaches Mari, who remains on the ground, seeping fake blood as he continues to pretend to be dead on the ground. The courier removes his gun from the holster and aims at Mari once more.

SPEAKER_03 49:08

An imposter!

SPEAKER_12 49:09

Shit! With preternatural speed and lightning quick reflexes, Cleo aims, rushes the courier, and knocks the gun out of his hand.

SPEAKER_17 49:17

Take that, you son of a bitch!

SPEAKER_12 49:19

Before Cleo can safely leave the scene unharmed, the courier latches onto her ankle and she stumbles to the back top below. The courier rises, retrieves his weapon, and now it is Cleo.

SPEAKER_20 49:29

Mom! No! Who the hell are you?

SPEAKER_12 50:18

The courier escapes within an inch of his life, torn and tattered, and missing one hand.

SPEAKER_06 50:29

Tiny Tippy, boy, did you save the day?

SPEAKER_09 50:38

That's okay, buddy. Uh I'd give you a high five, but it would appear you've had your fill of hands for the day. Friends?

SPEAKER_02 50:52

Mom, Maury, Dad, everyone okay?

SPEAKER_08 50:56

Just okay. Son, this has been the most incredible vacation we've ever had. We'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Since I was a boy, I've dreamt of being a gangster, being part of a shootout, that you were also able to procure the most realistic animatronic bear I have ever seen is truly a marvel to behold.

SPEAKER_12 51:20

Dad, that was a real bear. Dallas promptly jumps into Cleo's arms again.

SPEAKER_09 51:28

So, uh what did everyone think? What did we think of my performance? Hello? The death scene! My boss. What do you think? Do I have a future?

SPEAKER_07 51:42

Um, have you heard the expression chewing the scenery? There is something to be said for less is more. Mr. Stillman, sorry about the wig.

SPEAKER_19 51:52

It was last minute.

SPEAKER_07 51:54

Oh no, I forgot.

SPEAKER_09 51:56

Morris Stillman. Oh, who would have thought? Look away! Shun me, all of you! I'm hideous. I'm hideous.

SPEAKER_02 52:07

Oh, thanks everyone for your help tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get out of here.

SPEAKER_09 52:13

Wait. I have to know what was in the package.

SPEAKER_12 52:19

Mari retrieves the package which had been dropped on the ground during the chaos and confusion. He finds the handwritten note containing instructions to end his life. It reads Kill Mari Stillman. He's the one with the amazing hair.

SPEAKER_09 52:33

Whoa! So they were going to kill me anyway. Whether I fulfilled the request or not.

SPEAKER_02 52:40

I wasn't gonna let that happen.

SPEAKER_09 52:42

Which is why you made sure I wore that coat and set up this whole scene to make it look like someone else got to me first.

SPEAKER_02 52:49

Exactly. If you were already dead, there was nothing they could do.

SPEAKER_09 52:53

Ah, thanks, my friend. You literally just saved my life by killing me.

SPEAKER_17 53:01

Um, not to break up this nice moment, but why is the bear doing that?

SPEAKER_08 53:09

Yes, he's covering his nose.

SPEAKER_07 53:16

Oh, Maury. And that's my cue to leave. Oh, guys, come on.

SPEAKER_09 53:22

Hey, guys! I'm literally on a hit list! I think that earns a little slack, huh? Or at least an adult diaper.

SPEAKER_12 53:39

It's now 4 a.m. Willie's parents were dropped off and were finally able to enjoy the comforts and luxury of the Beverly Hills Hotel. Mari returned to Abalonia's trailer for who's kidding? We're all trying not to picture it. And our hero, Willie Topaz, opens the door to his apartment exhausted and weary. He makes a beeline for his bed and lands face first into the soft pillows below. And then his phone rings.

unknown 54:18

Again.

SPEAKER_02 54:20

Seriously? Hello!

SPEAKER_16 54:25

Hello? Hello there. Lady Lazarus? I thought that you'd like to know that despite the dramatic scene on display last night and the mauling of the courier's hand, Mr. Milano feels his desires were met. You and Mr. Stillman are free from any further obligation.

SPEAKER_02 54:44

Really? Oh, I could finally breathe normally. We both know I have you to think.

SPEAKER_16 54:50

Me? What did I do?

SPEAKER_02 54:53

You were the one that hinted at Maury's potential fate, which led me to taking a peek at what was inside the package. Don't play coy. You wanted me to know. Dare I say, I think you wanted me to help Maury.

SPEAKER_16 55:07

I wanted to protect my investment. I realized that something tragic happening to Mr. Stillman would ultimately impact you. Being as inseparable as you both are. And I couldn't let that happen.

SPEAKER_02 55:22

I'm not certain how often you hear this. In a sincere and genuine way, but thank you.

SPEAKER_16 55:29

Then I'll say genuinely that you are welcome. Ta-ta for now, Willie Topaz.

SPEAKER_12 55:38

Happy trails, my lady. Willie hangs up the phone. He lays on his back, smiling, and slowly, calmly, drifts into slumber.

SPEAKER_08 55:50

Until you're going to be able to do that, you can do that.

SPEAKER_09 57:32

At all.