Tea, Tales, and Tomes

Parent Like You've Got a License For It

• Natasha • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Navigating parenthood can feel overwhelming, but certain evidence-based resources offer invaluable guidance without claiming to have all the answers. Six exceptional books stand out as practical references for parents seeking to build respectful relationships with their children.

• No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury - Explains respectful parenting founded on the premise that children aren't "bad" but simply lack emotional regulation
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Mazlish - Provides practical scripts and techniques for communicating effectively with children
• Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph - Details the psychological development of boys through different life stages and the changing roles of parents and other adults
• The Read Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease - Makes a compelling case for reading aloud to children of all ages with research-backed benefits
• Untigering by Iris Chen - Examines breaking free from authoritarian "tiger" parenting, particularly for immigrant families dealing with generational patterns
• The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt - Investigates the impact of smartphones and social media on youth mental health with practical solutions

Join me again next time for more bookish wonder at Tea Tales and Tomes, where we're living our favorite lives talking books and drinking hot beverages.


Find us on Instagram @teatalesandtomes and don't forget to join us next time for more bookish wonder.

Podcast music by Lundstroem (Episode 1 onwards) and Audionautix (TTAT Trailer). Podcast edited by Timothy Wiggill.

Natasha:

Hello bookish friends. This is Natasha and you're listening to Tea Tales and Tomes where we are living our favorite lives talking books and drinking hot beverages. So grab your cuppa and let's talk books. So we've spent the first few episodes talking about books to read to our kids. But what about books to read as a parent going about the scary, vital, crazy parenting journey that we're on?

Natasha:

So a few years ago, I made a comment about why I feel that potential parents or people just starting on their parenting journey should maybe do a course to learn about what being a parent actually means. I wasn't really referring to the how to breastfeed your baby handbooks, or how to swaddle or how to get your little tyke to sleep through the night or any of those things. I was making a very tongue-in-cheek comment about how I felt like I should have gotten something akin to a driver's license at least before becoming a mom. I genuinely meant it for me, because this is probably the most important role I would ever have. But I took on this role without any experience, no background, not even a proper what to expect. I mean, we study to become marine biologists, teachers, engineers, plumbers, electricians, you name it. Yet we're okay with just winging this parenting gig. So that comment was met with some serious backlash. The summary of the more negative comments was that I was being completely ridiculous because every child is different and that you can't learn about being a parent through books or academic lectures.

Natasha:

I fully agree. I fully agree that every child is different and every parent-child relationship is unique. We could read all the parenting books on the planet and our children may not fit into any molds, which is exactly what makes this such an awesome and terrifying journey. So, with my first born, following any sort of baby guide was a lesson in anxiety, because he was the exception to every rule. My second kid, on the other hand, was a little bit more by the book when he was little, but as he grows older, he is burning all the books and writing his own as well. Having said all of that, kids are unique. Your parenting journey is unique. We don't fit molds, and books will only tell you part of the story.

Natasha:

There are some books that I think can give us some great reference points. You can bet that I've read a huge amount of parenting books, and some were just not my cup of tea. Some, I think, should perhaps never have been printed, and some have had their research disproven in the years since they were published. Out of the lot. Today I'm going to be recommending six books that I think are genuinely great resources for all parents. They are well-researched, with practical advice. The authors are not overly academic in their approaches and the books don't claim to have all the answers. They're also easily accessible reads that I find myself going back to time and time again. So let's get into it as we sip our hot tea.

Natasha:

The first book I'm recommending is all about gentle or respectful parenting. It's called no Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury. So before you moan at me, I know that there is a lot of discussion in the media and on the socials about the concept of gentle parenting. The common misconception here is that gentle parenting is all about letting your child walk all over you and raising undisciplined monsters. So many people will incorrectly dub this permissive parenting, which is wholly incorrect. If you want a very broad and very good understanding of what gentle or respectful parenting means, I encourage you to read any of the books by Janet Lansbury, but my favorite was no Bad Kids.

Natasha:

The premise of no Bad Kids is quite simple. There is no such thing as a bad child. Children simply lack the ability to regulate their emotions and behaviors to the extent that we expect of them, and when we are considering disciplining them, we should maybe consider ways that respectfully guide our little humans, instead of punishing and shaming them. The author looks at things like hitting, temper tantrums, sleep struggles, eating struggles, you name it and offers a respectful, relationship-based approach which encourages adults to see children as feeling individuals rather than little troublemakers that behave in ways just to get back at us, haven ways just to get back at us. It's all about us being those safe adults that are able to create clear, confident boundaries delivered with empathy, instead of using violence, shaming, bribes and timeouts. Ugh, I really don't like timeouts.

Natasha:

Sadly, many people that think that gentle parenting is quote-unquote bad are the same people that feel that corporal punishment is severely lacking in homes and schools of today. This is also usually the same people that will also claim that their parents hit them when they were kids and they turned out okay. Here's the thing, in my opinion if you think that the aim of parenting is to get your child in line and to obey everything you say, and that the way to do this is to hit them, hit someone so much smaller than you with no way of really defending themselves, someone who looks to you as their whole entire world, or to shame them into compliance you as their whole entire world or to shame them into compliance. I'm sorry to say this, but you did not turn out okay. When we use shaming or violence or threats, our kids may not act out in front of us anymore, but that's not because they understand that their behavior was inappropriate or wrong. They won't do it because they are scared, and this is my whole point. We want our children to listen to us our advice, our admonitions, all our words because they respect us, because we are their safe adults and showed them what respect means not out of fear.

Natasha:

Janet Lansbury, I feel, offers a perspective that I needed as a new parent, and I still find myself trying to emulate what I read here. It doesn't always work, because I'm human and I'm busy breaking generational curses and I'm often triggered and snappy, but having this frame of reference for how things can be done differently is wonderful. It's really a good one to shelve and to come back to time and time again. Now, hand in Hand with Janet Lansbury, is this next book that I'm recommending, and it's called how to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Maslach. So, with these books, there are a bunch of similar titles that focus on little kids and some focus on teenagers. And it's all about this how to talk and how to listen and they are genuinely brilliant books that offer truly practical examples of how to talk to kids and how to really listen to what our little people are saying.

Natasha:

So I felt that Janet Lansbury offered me a really good overall understanding of respectful parenting, and the how to Talk books was the handbook to show me exactly how to do this, especially when I felt like I was failing at everything. So these books, these how to Talk books by Adele Faber, have an accessible tone, real worldworld examples which will make you laugh out loud, sometimes nod your head, because it's so relatable and really actionable tools. I mean actual words and scripts that you can use as cheat sheets. I've even printed them out at one point. I said earlier that as much as I try to emulate the gentle parenting style, I still find myself getting frustrated and snappy. I mean, I'm human, after all. What I loved with these books is that it took the gentle parenting ideology and made it infinitely more practical. So you have this blue sky background on how to be a respectful and gentle parent. But now these books give you the tools that you can use in those moments where you feel your emotions are getting the better of you or of your little people.

Natasha:

I've actioned so many of the things mentioned in the book with amazing results. So one example was when Kai was about, say, two or three years old and we would be driving around a lot. I was back at work and I would have to strap him up in his rear-facing car seat and inevitably we would get stuck in traffic at some point and he would start to get frustrated and he would want something that you know Murphy's Law. I had it in the boot of the car or it was in his little baby bag and it happened a few times where he wanted water or he wanted a toy and he would start to escalate. So he'd ask for it and then the next thing, I couldn't give it to him. So he would start to first whimper and then whine and cry and it would turn into a full-on cry fest. Especially stuck in traffic, it would make me feel so helpless and I would have all of these really horrible emotions in my body at the time.

Natasha:

So, based on the advice in the book, which was acknowledge the deep feelings in words and with the right tone and give in fantasy what you can't give in reality. So let me explain what this means. So if we took all the gentle parenting advice at face value, you would probably keep your tone super soft and you would probably come off as really patronizing and really irritate your little child. So I would probably have then said something like oh, my baby, you're so frustrated, you really want to come out of your car seat or you really want your words. I'm so sorry I'm driving right now. I see you're so frustrated and you're so angry and your little person is going to get even more pissed off at you because they think that you don't get it, just based on the tone of your voice.

Natasha:

So, taking the advice in the book, one day I said oh man, you are so angry, you're so frustrated that you can't get your toy. You're so, so angry. You could probably scream at the top of your lungs and cry until all your tears dried up. I can totally understand what you feel, my gosh. You are so, so angry right now. Me too. You know, I really wish I could get that bag right now. How awesome would it be if I had two super stretchy hands that could wiggle all the way to the back and unzip your bag while I focused with two hands on steering the car. Or, better, how cool would it be if I could just click my fingers and everything you asked would just appear.

Natasha:

And then he started giggling. You know, previously, he would start to escalate and get more and more frustrated and it would be a full on cry fest. And then he started adding some weird and wonderful things that he would ask for, like he would click his fingers and ask for a giraffe, or he'd click his fingers and ask for a Tyrannosaurus Rex Tantrum long forgotten. And I didn't have to shout or feel like a bad mom and he didn't have to exhaust himself with trying to tell me how frustrated he was with that major tantrum, cry fest, whatever you want to call it. So this is the reason why I think that this is one of those books that do not go out of fashion. It really did change the way I spoke to my kids, especially in those moments that were very emotionally charged. Okay, let me move on.

Natasha:

So the next book is especially for you if you are raising boys. It's called Raising Boys by Stephen Beidolf. I'm probably pronouncing his surname incorrectly, so I didn't really expect much from this book. It was actually free on Audible and sometimes I just would browse Audible Plus. Anyway, I started listening to it and it was so good that I find myself constantly recommending it to my friends with boy children.

Natasha:

So this book goes into the psychology of boys, based on a huge amount of research, and what they need in each stage of their lives, from infancy all the way to adolescence. So how, from birth to around age six, moms are key to developing young boys' hearts. At this age a mother's influence, even her emotional state, is critical to developing our future men. From around six to 14, dad becomes a more fundamental figure. So there's an independence from our moms, not any less important. But boys tend to cleave a little bit more to dad in these ages. If dad is absent here, a safe male father figure will be critical at the stage. And here they are, watching what these primary male role models are doing and saying how they're behaving, to understand what being male means. And then after this, in the 14 and over ages, mom and dad sadly have to take a back seat because of children's innate need for independence.

Natasha:

And at this stage male figures like grandfathers, uncles, coaches, dads or friends are critical, because children are wired to start distancing themselves from the advice of their moms and dads. Mom and dad know nothing. That's basically their entire narrative. At this stage, my mom and dad oh my God, I know so much more than them. They don't really know anything, but somehow that same advice that mom and dad is giving, delivered by other safe adults, will actually be meaningful. So boys in this age have now been nurtured by mom. They've watched dad show them how to be a man and now they want to start defining themselves, and part of finding out who they are is strongly rebelling against those primary caregivers, usually mom and dad. They're wired this way. They're wired to start to push back against any advice given by their parents. These are the rebellion years and that is why it is so important to have other good role male models that can gently take that rebellion energy and guide it so that it's not harmful or destructive.

Natasha:

So this book also very importantly addresses topics like education in boys, like the fact that girls develop so much faster in terms of intellect in the early years. So when boys are in classrooms with girls, they can very, very easily lose their confidence among their seemingly more advanced female counterparts. It also talks about discipline, mental health and the impact of modern society and technology on our young men. And yes, the book does lean heavily on your trad family roles and doesn't really go into the ideas of gender identity. It occasionally overlooks the realities of single-parent homes, lgbtq plus families, as well as certain cultural variations in parenting. That said, I found that Raising Boys is an extremely compassionate, empowering resource, especially for those looking for guidance on how to raise sons who are emotionally aware, respectful and resilient Boys that are not afraid to embrace their vulnerability and their softness. So Stephen Baddolf has also written a book called Raising Girls, but I would be a mess if I talk about this one because I haven't read it. If it is anything like Raising Boys, then this might be the one you want to check out if you have girl children.

Natasha:

So the next book I'm moving on is actually all about reading aloud and its importance to children of all ages, and this is a podcast about books, so I would be very amiss if I didn't mention Jim Traylis' the Read Aloud Handbook. This book is a classic. It was originally published in 1979, and it is exactly what the title says. It is a handbook that advocates passionately for the power of reading aloud to children and offers practical advice and compelling rationale for why this is so important. Look, you can go online and you can read about why reading aloud is important. I've done an episode where I mentioned this very briefly.

Natasha:

There are resources galore about this, but here's the thing I have not found anything that is as inviting, well-researched and genuinely accessible as the Read Aloud handbook by Jim Tralees. The book has a really engaging style. It uses evidence-based arguments and is really practical about this read-aloud journey, and after reading it I felt like I could take on the world with my little family of readers. Yes, the book is old, but that doesn't take away its importance, especially in this age of information overload and the ever-growing competition between screens and books. Yes, the book does make assumptions about access to books and does offer a much more Western perspective, but you're here at Tea Tales and Tomes so that we can bring in those global South matters. Jim Trelease's recommendations are great too, and again, I do think that they could be updated for some more diversity and inclusivity, but it's a great starting point and I usually would read it along with other contemporary resources, especially for books that feature diversity and inclusivity.

Natasha:

I've read so many books about reading aloud, bookish friends and the importance of reading, but this is still the seminal work that I find myself returning to time and time again. All right, so let's move on to recommendation number five. This book is called Untigering Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent, by Iris Chen. That is a mouthful.

Natasha:

So I found Iris Chen when I was doom scrolling on Facebook because I was also going through a little bit of a battle in my own parenting journey and struggling with how my kids would fit into school, struggling with the homework battles and project battles and struggling with my own desire for my kids to shine in very specific ways, and I could feel myself going into this very authoritarian kind of parenting cycle. Anyways, I believe that people and books come into your life at the right moment, exactly for the right reason, exactly when you need it. And this is how Iris Chen came into your life at the right moment, exactly for the right reason, exactly when you need it. And this is how Iris Chen came into my life. So here I am doom scrolling and then I see this post which resonates so strongly with me and I decided to go, and it was all about parenting and how you know what being such an authoritarian parent could do to your child. So then I follow and I go into Iris Chen's page and I see that you know, most of her posts were all about how she went from a mom that was super strict about her kids' behavior and achievements, oftentimes to the detriment of her relationship with them, to someone who started to realize that so much of that came from the way she was parented, because of her own parents' need for perfection as Chinese immigrants to America and also some innate cultural practices that in this day and age can be so damaging. So these really spoke to me, because brown parents are similarly inclined to voice that old adage of what will people think Often, often forgetting about our own child's comfort and needs and rather prioritizing performing for society, performing for the community, performing for strangers. God forbid. You don't get the Ducks Award in school, don't even think about studying anything that's not traditionally academic, like medicine or some sciences, engineering, law, etc. You know me, you know exactly what I'm talking about if you are a brown parent. So untigering is an exploration of transitioning from that authoritarian tiger parenting to a more compassionate, partnership-based approach. So she draws from her own experiences as a second-generation Chinese-American and her journey to unschooling her children. So Chen introduces a framework for parenting that emphasizes mutual respect, emotional attunement and decolonization of parenting practices.

Natasha:

I'm going to say that again decolonization of parenting practices. I'm going to say that again decolonization of parenting practices. I felt that that personal story offered so much of authenticity and relatability, especially for people that do have an immigrant background and always feel like we have to be this perfect version of ourselves, especially when we enter circles that have had previous privilege. So, you know, I loved that she was starting this quite late as well and doing everything to break those generational curses, but in a way that also empathized with her parents and the generations that came before them, understanding that they tried to do the best they could and, you know, fighting battles that were completely out of their control. You know, like colonization, white privilege, which still exists, and constantly having to work a hundred times harder because of the color of one's skin.

Natasha:

So there's a very, very heavy homeschooling component in untigering, which may not work for everyone but, like I said, you take what you need from the books and you can discard the rest, and for this, for me, this one was exactly the book I needed for me to start to see my children, in these environments of privilege, as their unique selves and for them to thrive just being who they were, whether their interests were in music or in sport or in some other academic pursuits or completely non-academic pursuits. They are these perfect little individuals that we don't need to fight our battles, our own colonized mentalities. So my last book that I'm recommending, book number six, was actually recommended to me by my friend, meg Farree, who's also navigating this parenting gig and recognizes the importance of trying to have the best knowledge on hand when we are in these vital roles of mom, dad and primary caregivers. You can also find Meg at Magical Pages on Instagram. She is also a mom that is a huge proponent of reading really great books to kids, so don't forget to check her out there.

Natasha:

So the book that Meg recommended is called the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, and it delves into the profound impact of smartphones and social media on the mental health of our youngest and most precious humans, with the premise being that the pervasive use of these technologies has led to an epidemic of anxiety, depression and social isolation among our youth. So he draws from a wealth of psychological research and identifies four primary harms that he feels have contributed to the significant decline in the well-being of adolescents for the past 25 years or so. So, parents, if you've watched the movie Adolescence, in which a young boy murders a classmate, a girl the same age as himself, and then goes on to show the subtle yet profound unraveling of his family in the aftermath of this horrific act, as well as the potential reasons for why a seemingly well-balanced kid from your typical average family would do something like this, you will appreciate the timeliness of Haidt's book. So I found the narrative very well researched and it underscored for me the urgency of addressing the issue. Adolescence scared the living daylights out of me when I watched it. It just hit so close to home because I have young boys who will be entering adolescence in the next couple of years and I need to do, we need to do. We as a society, me as a parent we have to do everything we can to protect these amazing people, and one of them has to do with this over-reliance on screens and the early immersion in social media and the early immersion in social media. So you know, for me, I felt that hate really offers practical solutions, such as delaying smartphone use, encouraging more real-world interactions and fostering autonomy in children, and these resonated very strongly with me. I like practical advice that I can see myself being able to implement in my family.

Natasha:

While there are many other factors, you know, we cannot dismiss the other factors that contribute to the decline in mental health of all children, so which this book doesn't really explore. You know, things like political instability, climate change and other many, many other environmental factors. This was exactly what I needed to read when trying to get my head around the use of smart devices and tech in our home. Like I said, this is by no means a comprehensive list and as I'm doing this episode, I'm thinking about so many other books that I want to talk about, but what I will do is I will link to them instead. But I genuinely feel that the books that I have recommend here offers real pearls of wisdom that resonate strongly and their messages have longevity. So I'm currently going through a bunch of book recs about managing screens, entering puberty, having the sex talk with our kids Interesting tidbit that I found out during my research was that, on average, children are exposed to some form of pornography by the age of nine years old.

Natasha:

So for me, I know that I have to have these discussions with my almost nine-year-old son, and soon. They have to hear it from trusted adults and not from peers or, worse, from media. So, yeah, I'm doing a bunch of, I'm delving very deep into the parenting nonfiction literature at the moment. The full list of books that I've mentioned here will be available on the blog, in the show notes, as well as on Instagram. So if you can't find it, just drop me a message and I will send it directly to your DMs. Thank you for staying and thank you for listening to me chat about books. I hope to catch you next time for more bookish wonder.

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Natasha

Host
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Timothy Wiggill

Editor