Evolved Men Podcast

How to Navigate Conflict Without Losing Respect

• Season 1 • Episode 29

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Conflict doesn’t cost you respect; reacting from pride does. Corey breaks down a practical path to stay steady when emotions spike, turning heated moments into growth with simple, repeatable tools you can use right away. We start by reframing conflict as feedback, not failure, so tension becomes information that reveals unmet needs and mismatched expectations. From there, Corey introduces the STEAR framework—Situation, Thought, Emotion, Action, Result—to slow the jump from trigger to reaction and redirect energy toward a response aligned with your values.

Grounding your body is the hinge. You’ll learn how to use box breathing to downshift your nervous system and make space for better choices. Corey shows how reframing your internal language changes downstream behavior—swapping she’s disrespecting me for she’s upset and I want to understand why transforms the emotional climate and keeps respect intact. Power, he argues, isn’t loud; it’s calm and centered, the kind of presence that leads without posturing.

Communication seals the change. We unpack how to listen to understand rather than reload, how to reflect back meaning to dissolve confusion, and how to speak with ownership instead of blame to reduce defensiveness. Corey invites you to rewrite your default scripts—avoid, attack, or shut down—so you can become the man who responds with principles, not impulse. Respect becomes a byproduct of self-leadership, not a prize for winning arguments. If you’re ready to practice grounded leadership in your relationships and life, hit play, then share this episode with a friend who needs it. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what’s the one shift you’ll practice this week?

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SPEAKER_00:

Men before we dive in, I've got something big to share with you. The wait list for the Evolve Men Brotherhood is now open. This is the space where men stop doing the work alone. Inside the Brotherhood, you'll connect weekly with other men committed to growth, leadership, and living with purpose. You'll get access to live calls, courses, and the community that keeps you accountable when life gets hard. Registration opens soon. Join the wait list now at Evolvmen Project.com/slash Brotherhood and be a part of the movement. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome back. So today we're talking about one of the hardest skills that a man can learn, and that's how to navigate conflict without losing respect. Because the truth is, is that that conflict isn't something that you can avoid forever. It's part of every one of our relationships that matter to us. But the real question is: can you stay steady in the storm? Can you stay steady in those hard, difficult moments? So a while back, I had an argument with someone that was close to me. Right. And the thing is with this, is that it was one of those that came out of nowhere, right? We had there had probably been a lot of pressure building between us for quite some time, a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of resentment that was there. And at first, it really it like it started like it wasn't a big deal. But as it grew and grew and grew, I could I could see and feel that frustration that was really growing within me. Right. And the thing is with this, is that that frustration, like I mean, really what it came down to is that even at you know 40 some years old, what I noticed at the end of this, kind of like looking back, is that I wanted to be right. It wasn't necessarily about like sitting down or getting to an agreement or hearing their side of the situation. Like I was, it was like Fort Knox, and I was standing on my side of the wall, completely defending myself and my position, right? Because at all costs, the last thing that I wanted to be was wrong, right? I I wanted to be heard and I wanted to be right. Right. And the thing is that that underneath all of that, as you as I really started like peeling back the layers of the onion, what I really wanted was I really wanted to be respected, right? But the way that I was trying to go about getting that was through control and through the the tone and the words that I was using and the tactics, right? But that was the exact sort of things that that was making both of us lose it. And so it was after some time that I really started uh to calm down. It was after you know, bringing it up in the men's group and talking about it at different times. Like this wasn't something as much as I like to think that it did, that I just had this epiphany in it, and it occurred to me, right? Was that that that I was that I wasn't reacting to the the situation that was going on in front of me in the moment, right? I I was reacting to this story, this age-old story, like a childhood story that says that that if I'm the one to give in, right? That if I back down, then I'm the weak one, right? That that if I don't win, that I I lose respect, right? And it's crazy to think about this, like even now as I'm talking about it, that that at 42 years old, I'm still I'm still subject at times to to these sort of situations where like I was gonna let the entire thing burn to the ground just so that I didn't lose the argument, so that I didn't that I wasn't disrespected, that I was the one that was prideful, right? And and it still it still shocks me to this day, right? But you know, after thinking about this, right, and and really processing it, one of the things that really hit me with this is that that respect isn't lost when conflict happens. Respect is lost when we we stop leading ourselves through conflict, right? So here's the thing is that conflict isn't failure, right? Conflict is always going to happen. It's it's a part of everyday life, right? And it's the thing is that it's not failure, it's it's feedback, it's information, it's there's such a negative connotation with the word conflict that everybody is running away from it or trying to avoid it, you know, and I say everybody, but not everybody necessarily is. But at different times in my life, like, yeah, I'm uh definitely trying to avoid it, but it's just information, it's just feedback. And it it's that conflict that shows us where we still have work to do, where pride or fear or ego are still running the show. So most men handle conflict in one of two ways. We either avoid it completely, right? We stuff it down until resentment builds up, or we bulldoze right through it, trying to like dominate or prove a point, right, or to be right or to be respected. And both of these lead to the same place, to disconnection. And underneath both is the same emotion, and that's fear. Fear of of being disrespected, fear of being wrong, fear of not being enough, whatever it is, right? But there's there's also a third way, and that's that that's a path of grounded leadership, right? And it's it's learning to it's learning to to hold your power without losing your presence, right? To stay open, calm, and clear even when things get heated. And and that's what this episode is about today. How to stay composed and respected when it matters most. So there's a few main shifts that we'll walk through. And the the the first one is your mindset. All right. Conflict, conflict isn't the problem. Like I was saying earlier, like it's conflict is everywhere. It's information, it's thoughts, right? And so it's not necessarily that conflict is the problem. It's it's how and how in which we see it, right? Most of us were raised to to automatically default that conflict means bad, right? That I did bad, I am bad, you know, I was bad, that that something is wrong and then it's bad, right? But healthy conflict is it can be misunderstandings, it can be a difference of opinions, it's gonna be, you know, I mean, to an extent, you can look at differences in ice cream, like, hey, do you like cookie dough? No, I don't like cookie dough, I like Rocky Road, right? That in a sense could be considered conflict, right? Because it's just it's just a difference of opinion, it's just information. But healthy conflict, handled well, is what actually creates growth, right? And it's it's like it's like heat or or pressure and forging steel. Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but it it actually strengthens the bond. Right. When that when that tension shows up, is it's not about me versus you, right? It's about it should be about us versus the problem, whatever that might be. So in in coaching, um, I use a framework called steer, right? S-T-E-A-R, right? And and that's looking at the situation, S, the the thought, T, the emotions, the action, and the result, right? So it's this process that we go through in any of those sort of things around our mindset or how it is that we perceive something. So again, we first we we have the situation, something happens, and we have a thought about what it is that happened. And that thought in us creates an emotion. And based on that emotion, we take an action, we do something, we don't do something. And as a result of that, there the you know, as a result of that action, there is an outcome or there is a response or there is a result, right? There is something that happens. So in conflict, most men skip straight straight from the situation to the action, right? They completely bypass the thoughts and the emotions that actually went into it. And it's like this fight, flight, freeze sort of things, right? And I don't know what it is, but something just happens and we react. We don't even think about it, right? But the the real power lies in that that middle space in between the situation and taking action. Right. And so your thoughts and your your emotions that are in there, because what you think about the situation completely shapes how it is that you feel about it and how you feel about the situation, right? Or the the thought that you had, it it shapes how it is that you show up, right? You see how that's kind of like a a linear process through things. You've got the situation, and based on the situation, you have a thought, and and that thought creates an emotion, and the emotion creates an action, and the action creates a result. All right. And so if you can slow that moment down, right, and this is the art. This isn't something that's like, oh, hey, I'm gonna like, I, you know, I'm gonna start pausing and and taking an inventory and all of these sort of arguments that, but it's starting to be aware of it, of how it is that we got to those actions and how we got to those results. So so if you can slow that moment down and you can you can notice the story that you're telling yourself, right? The the thoughts that you're having in those moments, right? You can you can change everything, right? So instead of saying that, like, oh, she's disrespecting me, right? You can you can change that to something like she's upset, and I want to try to understand why that is, and that is leadership. That's leaders leadership of yourself, leadership of your relationship, of your family, whatever it might be. I mean, do you see the the subtle distinction there between automatically, you know, saying maybe maybe you're having an argument or whatever it is with your partner or whatever it is, and you automatically default to having that thought, right? In that moment, the first thought that comes up is that she's disrespecting me, right? And from that thought, you immediately take it, the the path of where that thought takes us, right? You're upset, you're angry, you're reacting, right? But being able to shift that from that thought, right? And that thought's in your own control, shifting that thought from she's disrespecting me to man, I can see that see that she's upset, and I want to understand why that is, right? And so it's those sort of subtle differences that that really really shift things when things get hot. So the second shift is shift is regulating our emotions, right? And that sounds like a tall order, but respect is really maintained, right? Respect is really embraced and grown and and embodied in that pause, right? In that pause that we're talking about, in between the situation and the result, everything that goes on in between there, like that's where the respect is really forged, right? When when things heat up, your your nervous system goes into like this fight or flight mode. Your heart rate spikes, your breath shortens, and your your body is preparing for battle, essentially, is what it's doing. That it's it's like you know, readying the the troops, you know, like mounting an army or response back. And that that's that's why like one small comment, like we were talking about just a second ago, can feel like an attack, right? We've already gone from you know zero to a hundred in a matter of of a split second. All right. So the the quickest gay way to regain your composure is is through your breath, right? Is is through doing something like box breathing, if you if you've ever heard of it before. So box breathing is you you think about it in a sense of like a box, right? So it might be four or six seconds, you know. I I think I've heard it at different times, like six seconds, but it's breathing in for six seconds, holding that for four seconds or six seconds, and then exhaling again for six seconds and holding it across the bottom for six seconds. And and it's those sort of things, like taking a moment to notice that there was a reaction, right? That there was a reaction that maybe your body started responding to that you you didn't want to, you weren't aware of, you know, but it's it's noticing and acknowledging that and going back to looking at, well, what's my thought about this? Like, how is it that I'm thinking about it? And so in doing that, like maybe you get to that that racing heart rate, right? Or whatever it might be, and acknowledging that you've got that and and taking this sort of this time like this, doing box breathing or something like that, to really pause and to take a moment and and bring us back to like a grounded sort of sense of self. Because that that one breath, that one pause, you start to you start to really start to tell yourself that in your body, like, hey, I'm I'm safe. Like things are okay. This isn't, you know, this isn't life or death, right? That and and the thing is that when you when you start to feel safe in those situations, you can actually you can turn things back around. You can lead from a different place. So in NLP, we we call this sort of thing reframing, where where you shift your internal language that you use, you when you do that, you're also shifting at the same time your internal state by by replacing, you know, things like, man, this this this person is really pushing my buttons, right? Or like, man, they're so challenging. Why why are they always up my ass? To you know what, like this is this is really giving me an opportunity to practice my calmness, my groundness, you know, and and truly looking at it from that perspective, I I know it sounds like, man, this is this is crazy, right? That the just the way in which that we talk to ourselves, it starts to shift that, you know, if we go back to to that steer method, right? If if we replace, you know, if we reframe this sort of situation or this thing from something negative or something bad to something more positive, right? It changes the entire downstream of that process, right? Then all of a sudden our thought about it is completely different. It's not necessarily like happy thoughts or negative thoughts, but it's like, what is a more, what's a more empowering, supportive, like powerful thought to have in that moment? Because the thing is, like, we get to choose how it is that we think about that, right? There's there's all these thoughts that are swimming by. And we're the ones that get to like reach down into the river and be like, oh, do I like that one? Do I like this one? Like, ah, you know what? I'm gonna throw that one back. But we're the ones that get to choose in those moments how it is that we think about this. And so the the practice starts to be like looking down into the river and noticing all of these different thoughts running by and starting to pick up, right, and look at and inspect some that are actually going to be helpful or useful to us. So, in in doing that, right, we really start to shift things from instead of defending and you know, fighting and arguing, you start leading, right? You you start shifting the conversation as I think about it, like shifting it from you know, from asking somebody or you know, from noticing, like, man, they're just they're always so negative, they're always so shitty, or whatever it is, to to really kind of a place of understanding. And so instead of reacting, you start responding, right? And and people feel that, like it's a it's a real tangible energy when it goes from like this defensive mode to this place of like curiosity and and response, people really feel that difference. They they feel it in the the moment, in the situation, right? And and yeah, the the thing is is that power, you know, everybody thinks that like power is is loud and it's boisterous and it's bold and it's booming, but the reality is that power isn't loud. Power is power is calm. And it's the tone of a man who doesn't need to control the room to own it, right? He can just be there, he can, he can be present, that that everything okay, you know, that everything around him is gonna be okay, like r regardless of what the the outcome is. So the final piece is communication, you know, and I I know that we this is something that we go over over and over of just how important communication is. And the thing is, is that most conflict escalates not when we like start communicating or we get into the conversation or the argument, but most conflict escalates because we stop listening, right? We we stop actually looking at the person and listening to what it is that they're saying. And we start, you know, and this is something that for most of my life, like I have absolutely done. And that's that's preparing. I mean, we we all know how it goes, right? Like somebody says something to you, and before the words have even left their mouth, like you're already calculating a response, or I'm figuring out what my angle is gonna be like how I'm gonna be able to get back at her from this sort of thing. And before the other person even finishes speaking, like we're already calculating our response. We've already shut off our mind and we've already decided, like, from what perspective at which they're approaching this, right? We've thrown everything else out. We're not looking at their body signals, their cues, like what led to this, like completely disconnected. But if you want to keep respect on both sides, you you have to listen first, right? You have to listen with the intent to to hear and the intent to understand, to really, really understand what it is that they're saying, like how it is that they came to that conclusion, how it is that that feels for them, you know. And and part of that is just that is really digging into like, man, what does it feel like? What does that feel like for you when when that comes up? Like, I imagine for myself that like I would be super pissed off. Like, I'm sorry you feel that way. Like, I'd curious. And so when these situations come up, like one of the key things is to let them finish. Let them finish what it is that they're saying. Stop the the the hamster on the wheel in there, stop you know, mounting a defense or figuring out what it is that they're going to say. Like, literally sit there and watch and let them finish. And what they've once they've finished the next step for you is to is to not like think of the first thing that came to mind while you were listening to them, right? But take a moment to pause and really ponder and then reflect back what it is that you've heard. Because a lot of arguments and and conflict or whatever that might be might just be a difference in understanding, right? So really making it a point to reflect back to the person, like, hey, this is what I heard you say, right? Or the story that I'm telling myself is that you're really upset right now, or whatever it might be, but to really confirm that, like, hey, I know that your mouth was moving and there was a bunch of things that were coming out of it. And during that time, this is the words that ended up in my head. And that doesn't have to be exactly, and that's kind of the beauty in it, right? Because it doesn't have to be actually what came out of their mouth. Like, that gives you an opportunity, that gives you a break in a moment for everybody to kind of notice that, like, wow, the things that came out of your mouth were not what necessarily came into my ears, right? That, you know, whether that was on you, it was on me, or wherever it was, like there's a discrepancy here. There's a delta between what you said and how in which it is that I interpreted it. Right. And that gives the other person to to clarify, to have an opportunity to be like, no, that's yeah, that's exactly the problem, because I don't, that's not what I said at all. That's not what my intention was. Right. And so, and it it doesn't have to be this elaborate sort of thing, but really just just saying to the person, like reflecting back to them, like, man, it sounds like you're really frustrated about you know me not picking up milk on the way home.

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SPEAKER_00:

And they might just say, like, yeah, I that's spot on, or no, you know, that's not really it. I just I had a bad day, and this really kind of set things off. Because the thing is that that that one sentence can completely disarm an argument because at the root of it, at the root of all of this, you know, and taking this all the way back to the very beginning and to what it is that I said about my argument is that everyone just wants to be understood. They want to feel like they're being heard. That what it is that, you know, we we have all of these words and these languages and these expressions and body language, and and they're all in they're all put in place in order for us to convey the thoughts that are going through our mind, how it is that we're feeling in our bodies, and you know, and there's probably some science behind this, but I would say that to an extent that there's probably far fewer words, you know, or maybe even just for us, that like our own vocabulary and library is significantly smaller than the way that we're actually experiencing life. And so it can be really frustrating for somebody to be having an emotion, maybe barely even understanding for themselves like what it is that's going on for them, and to feel like the other person isn't picking that up. They're like, Man, I I keep saying this, I keep saying this, I keep saying this. And I'm just I'm I'm not I'm not being understood. Right. And and you know, it kind of reminds me of like a child in the moment, right? When a child is learning language or doesn't know language or whatever it is, like how frustrated that they get. They're like, I just want like it's super simple to me. Like, I don't understand why you don't understand what you know, yeah. They're totally, they're absolutely frustrated because they're they they're not able to communicate that. So just reflecting back to to the person, like what it is that that you heard, right? It really clarifying whether or not that's the case. So once you do that, right, it it's really about speaking from a place of ownership. And that's not that's not like you never listen, right? But but really this sort of like, man, I I feel unheard when my my perspective isn't isn't acknowledged. Right. It's I know it's a small shift, but but it changes everything because blame automatically triggers defense, right? Automatically, like we signal the the troops, like load the cannons, you know, unhook the ships, like everything automatically goes from zero to a hundred from that place of blame. So shifting it from something like that, from you never listen to to really saying what your experience is for you, right? To say that, like, hey, I feel like I'm unheard when when my my perspective goes unknowledged, uhnowledged, and just leaving it at that. All right, because honesty invites understanding, just it uh sharing how it is that you're experiencing life and so because if you can shift that that energy from the like me versus you to the the us together, right, in a circle versus the problem, then you've already won the moment. So let's let's bring it back home for a second. How do you how do you usually handle conflict? Do you avoid it? Do you attack it? Do you shut down? And and what triggers what triggers you most? Is it the disrespect, the control, the being criticized? And when that trigger hits, right, as you can you can see how it is that we're starting to walk through this. And when that trigger hits, what's the story that you start telling yourself? All right, so you you've got the situation, and boom, there's a trigger. You know, you have the thought that man, I there there it is, like she's disrespecting me, that I'm being criticized. All right, and what's the so in that in that moment, like what's the thought that you start telling yourself? Now imagine that the next time that that the same conflict shows up, right? Maybe it's the same thing that comes up over and over again. You just pause. Right. And you know, something that I've said before, it's like having it's like having a book, right? And and we know that like, okay, this is what I do every time. She says this or he says that, or whatever it is, like I'm gonna open up the book, and I know when this happens, that this is the action that I take, this is the thing that I do. But what we have to start doing is actually, you know, it's it's like every time that it comes up, we're pressing the pen onto the page harder and harder every time. And so what we have to start doing is that when we open up that book and we turn to page 79 of like how I respond to not picking up the milk or whatever it is, that we start writing it lighter and lighter, right? And that it stops, it stops bleeding through and and tearing the other pages, and that eventually we get to the point where we can we can pause and we can breathe and we can turn the page and we can actually start to re-w rewrite how it is that that we want to respond and and how it is that we want to react, right? So we move from this narrative or this story of like, this is how I do it every time, this is the way that I've always been, this is the way that I I grew up doing it, the way that I've always seen it done, like this is the only way that I know it. And we get to actually pause and start to write the story new for ourselves. So, with that, in that moment, right, we start making that shift. What kind of man would you be in that moment? Because that's the the version of men that we're becoming here. So here's the reframe is that respect isn't something that you win in a conflict, right? It's not a it's not a trophy, it's not a prize, right? It's not it's it's something that you you maintain through your presence, through your energy, through your being. And that you don't have to be the loudest voice in the room. You just have to be the most grounded one. And and I realize that that's that's no easy task, right? But that's the journey that we're on. That's that's the evolution of men. And the the men that we're becoming, they don't fight to be right. Right? He he fights to stay steady. He he doesn't react from a place of like pride. He he responds from values and principles and morals. And and that that's what earns lasting respect. Not dominance, but but discipline. All right, guys. So if this conversation today really hit home for you, if you're ready to lead your life and your relationships from a more like calm strength, then I'd love to invite you into the Evolve Men Brotherhood. And this is this is a new place that I'm opening up. It's a it's a space where men can learn to navigate these same sort of challenges and and conflict and really grow together without the masks, without the egos. So you can join the wait list over at Evolvement Project.comslash Brotherhood. And that's this is the the same kind of work that we do there. Not just not just talking about leadership, right? But but actually living it. And whether or not you decide to join, that's that's up to you, right? But I want you to remember this is that respect is a reflection of how you lead yourself. And so lead with presence. All right, guys, as we start to wrap up here, I want you to take a breath with me. All right, I want you to feel your feet on the ground, I want you to wiggle your toes, right? Because conflict is inevitable, but disrespect and and how you choose to show up to the situation and the thoughts that you have about that, that's optional. That's your space, that's where you get to make the choice, and that's where you get to decide. And you can't always control how others respond to different things, right? But what you can always control is that the energy that you bring to any given moment. Conflict doesn't have to cost you respect. If you can stay steady while while others are losing theirs. All right, guys, I'm Corey Baum, and this is the Evolve Men Podcast. Thanks for listening, brother. I'll see you next week. Hey, before you go, this podcast is just the surface. The real work happens inside the Evolve Men Brotherhood. This is our private community of men committed to leading themselves boldly, building confidence, and sharpening one another in the fire. Registration officially opens December 1st, and we kick off our Brotherhood calls together beginning in January 2026. But you can get on the list today and be the first to claim your spot. If you're tired of going at life alone and you're ready for true accountability, support, and connection with men who get it, head to Evolvmen Project.comslash Brotherhood. Don't just listen, step into the Brotherhood. I'll see you inside.

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Corey Baum

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