Beyond Grief: Finding Strength in Loss

Some of life's most profound connections occur when we least expect them. It happened on a late night ride in DC, when a passenger fresh from an unexpected Michelin-star dinner casually mentioned it was her mother's birthday—a day now haunted by grief rather than celebration.

What followed was an extraordinary exchange about loss, grief, and resilience as the passenger revealed that just over a year ago, her mother had died by suicide after their first significant argument...

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Transcript

Introduction and Disclaimer

Speaker 1 0:10

Welcome to another episode of Rideshare Road Talk Conversations in Motion, a podcast where we create unfiltered talk space that examines the meaningful lives of my passengers, while engaging in personal and topical discussions. I'm your host and driver, john Fondas, and we're cruising the streets of Washington DC. Buckle up, let's drive. Hey everyone, before we begin this episode of the podcast, I wanted to add a pre-show message. If you or someone you love is struggling with thoughts of suicide or an emotional crisis, you are not alone and help is always available. Even right now, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's free, it's confidential and staffed by trained counselors that are ready to support you or a family member. Your life and theirs matters. Please don't wait to reach out what is fun and exciting for you tonight oh, everything, all the things okay oh man I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

Unexpected Michelin Star Dinner

Speaker 2 1:23

It is so late though I was up at 5am this morning and I am about to fall asleep. I agreed to meet two new girlfriends for happy hour and it turned into a $250 Michelin star dinner that I was not expecting.

Speaker 1 1:44

Oh, that's a pleasant surprise. Oh, that's a pleasant surprise.

Speaker 2 1:46

Yeah, it was a pleasant surprise for my belly, not so much for my clock or my wallet.

Speaker 1 1:51

You know, YOLO right. It has gotten exponentially ridiculous to have a good meal anywhere in the world.

Speaker 2 1:58

No, I know, but so like, because it was Michelin, it was a four-course, they wanted to do this four-course prefix and each dish was like a Cabbage Patch Kid size, it was like one individual morsel. I was like, cool, I'm not complaining, I'm just a purveyor of humanity. But it's pretty impressively petite.

Speaker 1 2:19

Yeah, that's one of those deals where you know you're leaving hungry.

Speaker 2 2:22

But actually no, I'm so full. Really one of those deals where you know you're leaving hungry but actually no, I'm so full like, really like, look at the size of this to-go bag. Okay, there was just so many courses, like yeah, too many courses of teeny, tiny food items.

Speaker 1 2:34

I did that once. Uh, it used to be in. It was in Tyson's called Maestro and same kind of deal, except it was like courses. Back then it was like a $500 per person experience.

Speaker 2 2:48

God, I mean, you know, we only live once.

Speaker 1 2:50

We're on the plane a short time, yeah.

Speaker 2 2:52

I swear to God. But holy shit, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm so freaking tired.

Speaker 1 2:56

Do not do that in this car, because I have a story for you.

Speaker 2 3:00

Did someone almost die in your car.

Speaker 1 3:03

Full disclosure.

Speaker 2 3:04

Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 3:04

Did? Did someone almost die in your house? Full disclosure. Oh my God, did someone die in here? I drive this just for a podcast. I come down twice a week. I get content, I go about my life, wait what kind of? Podcast. It's called Rideshare Road Talk. It started as an accident. It's just audio. You can be on it if you want.

Speaker 2 3:22

I want to be on it. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1 3:23

Here we go.

Speaker 2 3:24

I got funny shit to say forever.

Speaker 1 3:26

Everyone's got a story. Tell me yours.

Speaker 2 3:28

Oh, I don't even know where to begin.

Speaker 1 3:29

Med school. Where'd you go?

Speaker 2 3:31

Well, I'll tell you. Actually want to hear am I being recorded? This is a sad story, but I'll tell it. Any story is a good story it actually, this actually is a really exciting and uplifting story and I share it because it has helped a lot of people that I meet in my travels and I meet a lot of people. I will talk to anybody. I lead with kindness forevermore and I always will. Okay, today is my mom's birthday. Nice, well, not really okay to nope.

Mother's Suicide and Life Lessons

Speaker 2 3:54

In December 16th 2022, she killed herself and it was really, really, really traumatic, obviously, and violent and upsetting. And we were best friends. We never fought, we were literally like thick as thieves. We never, ever, ever, ever fought. We were having a fight for the first time in my entire life and she didn't say goodbye, didn't hug me, didn't kiss me, didn't say anything, didn't leave a note, and she just did it. She put me on a bus to go to New York and she did it while I was in a bus. So ever since I learned that you need to, as a person, you need to lead with gratitude, humility, kindness, joy, appreciation for life, passion, all the things, because you never know when your last day will be. You never know when you're going to lose someone you care about. Life is short. We're all here for such a short period of time. Every fucking second counts, and you better believe it and you better live like that, and that's how I live my life these days, and I've never been happier ever well, I want to thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 1 4:52

By the way, that is so ridiculously profound but also serendipitous in a way, where 20 years ago, my mother was the victim of a homicide.

Speaker 2 5:05

No way Today. Well, in general, no, no, well August.

Speaker 1 5:10

Well, that's close enough. But just to connect the dots for me on why this is just you know. The hair stood up on my arm, violent, sudden. No goodbyes.

Speaker 2 5:21

Death is death, and even though mine was suicide and yours was not, it's like death is death, pain is pain, and so I'm so sorry that that happened to you yeah, it's been a long road.

Connected by Loss

Speaker 1 5:32

Um, yours has just started, so how do you, how do you begin to unpack that? And if it's one of those things, hey dude, I just wanted to tell you. But let's leave it alone, that's fine, I'm chilling, no, but how? Do you unpack that, or how do you foresee you unpacking that?

Speaker 2 5:44

so I blamed myself a lot in the beginning because I, you know, I said a lot of stuff to her during this fight. It was a protracted, long fight.

Speaker 2 5:52

I was in a very deep depression myself about life and my career and you know, my love life, like I was not in a good place either, so I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have said and I I have to live with that and I'm gonna regret that for the rest of my life. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think I know that she had a long, long struggle in her own life and I think that she did it so that me and my brother and my dad could be the best versions of ourselves, because, despite giving us her best effort, she was. She was toxic, obviously. I mean, look at the way she went out. So I think she did it for us well backwards, as it sounds.

Speaker 1 6:31

So I approach it by being grateful that I'm alive yeah and grateful that I have therapy and friends I was gonna say therapy, life coach, whatever moniker you want to hang on it, although I will say therapists.

Speaker 2 6:46

I think I arrived at my self-actualization around it on my own, just with a lot of discipline and a lot of self-talk. I can't tell you enough how much positive self-talk yeah, to me yeah my friends, a therapist, my best friend, and she used to tell me you know, lena, if you, if you change the way you think, you rewire your, your brain. If you, if you think positive and you wake with gratitude and you say positive things to yourself, I was like, yeah, that's bullshit, I don't believe any of that.

Speaker 2 7:11

Let me tell you what swear to god dead ass.

Speaker 1 7:15

100 true yeah, I mean, I, I'm a constant, consummate cynic. You know I probably should have done more therapy than I did, um, but I I just. You know I appreciate therapy, I get it, I understand it, I see the value, but therapists can be just as full of shit as anybody else oh, absolutely, and therapists have therapists.

Speaker 1 7:36

You know I, I would know I would always try to find this amalgam of what I thought I want a therapist to be and my only example was, like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, I love that movie. I needed that guy in my life to say that it's okay, that it's not your fault, it's okay. I love that movie, I know.

Speaker 2 7:59

Such a good movie, okay that it's not your fault, it's okay.

Growth Through Pain

Speaker 1 8:02

I love that, I know, and so. But yeah, you know. I mean, I'm not even gonna insert my opinions. You know what you're dealing with and so do I. So forward motion, right um?

Speaker 2 8:12

and I you know it's, it's not a straight line, and I tell after what's happened to me. I I speak to a lot of young women good for you I'm. I speak to a lot of people about deep, meaningful things, but you know my background in healthcare and a lot of the people I meet in my walks of life because I meet. I meet so many people every time I go anywhere. I meet so many people just because I ask questions and I'm curious and I love life and I love humanity.

Speaker 2 8:37

So yeah meet all these younger women and they're like how do you do it? Like how are you comfortable in your skin, how do you, how do you operate the way you do? And I just tell them, like it's not a straight line, like I fuck up just like anybody else, like when you fall off your path, it's not a step backwards, it's a side step, correct?

Speaker 2 8:53

just accept it, lean in, feel what you gotta feel, be disappointed, be upset, be sad, be mad, but then just pull it together and get right back on that path and keep going I had a conversation with someone a few rides ago and, oddly, we were talking about how her sibling passed away in an accident so sad and you know those bumps in the road that fertilizer is is as awful as it, but Is it?

Speaker 1 9:18

but it's like you know nothing is linear anymore, not in those kinds of journeys. And you should. There should be no expectation of that Um and all that fertilizer. Well, yeah, it's shit, it sucks, but it also helps you grow. Um, like anything else. Um, I'm honestly so grateful for all the shit I've gone through.

Speaker 2 9:39

Like anything else, it's true. I'm honestly so grateful for all the shit I've gone through because I tell myself and I told my friends if you walk through fire enough times, I'm fucking titanium.

Speaker 1 9:51

Come at me bro.

Speaker 2 9:53

Nobody can negatively impact my spirit anymore. I cannot. I'm single. Dating is a fucking nightmare. Like you name it, it's been done to me. Men are such fucking trash these days, pardon my French.

Speaker 1 10:07

And I'm sorry to say ill of your gender, but y'all suck.

Speaker 2 10:10

Like I always ask, like I feel like I'm Magellan because I'm drawing you all maps, because you're all fucking lost, but that's fine we are not a panacea.

Speaker 1 10:19

No, I know um, but I understand because of what I've been through.

Speaker 2 10:23

Because of what I've been through, swear to god like I am dipped in titanium now yeah like riddle me, sia, I am bulletproof but take nothing can fuck with me, and it's a beautiful it's but learn the ultimate freedom to know who you are, love you are of lean into your flaws. Of course I am perfect. Let's be serious. I know that too, but I love who I am now.

Speaker 1 10:44

Be capable of taking that armor off, though, when you need to. I'm a soft shell crab. Okay, good, no, I'm a soft shell crab.

Dating Struggles and Self-Worth

Speaker 2 10:51

But I also take no shit because. I've been dealt quite a few scoops of shit in my day it does suck man it does. I just got dumped over the fucking phone by a 45 year old man. Like look, okay, I'm not arrogant listen. I'm not arrogant, I'm awake. Alright, I know what I bring to the table. I am not afraid to eat alone. I happen to be awesome because I've worked really fucking hard at it. I'm like you're almost 50 and you're going to dump me over the phone.

Speaker 1 11:20

Nah, it's Like.

Speaker 2 11:22

I'm not the kind of woman you fumble, but if you're gonna do it to my face, Blame the parents, don't blame him I always do. I'm like where was your mother. Where was your mother? How do you dump someone over the phone at?

Speaker 1 11:33

this age.

Speaker 2 11:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like after dating me for a long time, like for a couple months, long enough, like we've been sleeping together for months, Like we basically like I sleep at your place.

Speaker 1 11:43

Yeah, yeah, and you're going to toothbrushes and all that.

Speaker 2 11:46

Over the phone. Yeah, that's not nice it was all right, though Honestly, I was upset for a day and then I woke up and I was like you know what, lena, you're welcome, thank God, because you know what else I was settling for this guy.

Speaker 1 11:58

Don't do that.

Speaker 2 11:59

No, I mean I'll never. I almost did. You know why I almost did? I'll tell you why I almost did. It had been so long since I met an intellectual equal and someone who was reasonably not ugly I noticed. I'm not even saying he was hot.

Speaker 1 12:10

He wasn't hot, all right, he was reasonably not ugly that.

Speaker 2 12:14

That's pretty funny. I call them RNUs. Seriously, everyone I know knows about the RNU. It's actually it's going to take flight. You wait, you're going to see it on social media one day.

Speaker 1 12:22

Oh my God, that feisty woman from my Uber said this. I think I've experienced that once or twice.

Speaker 2 12:27

Reasonably not ugly. But he was intelligent, reasonably not ugly, successful, like good conversationalist, not bad in bed. So I was like, oh, you know, like I can settle on some of the things that are three out of five Sure I mean I was settling, and here we are.

Speaker 1 12:44

Wow.

Speaker 2 12:45

But that's the lesson I'm never going to settle. No one should continue to be optimistic. I'll never stop looking for love. I'll never stop trying to be better. Even though I say that I'm set, I'm not. I'm never going to stop growing. Did you ever?

Speaker 1 12:58

see that movie Singles. No, it's not your generation. It's like the grunge scene in Seattle.

Speaker 2 13:05

So it came out like in the mid-90s. I'm into all films.

Speaker 1 13:08

Bridget Fonda, one of the Dylan guys Singles. Yeah, I'll check it out and Singles. You know, the reason I brought it up was there was this the main female character, and she was like a serial dater, you know. She just would bounce from one relationship to the next. It didn't work out. And there's this great scene where she's on the rooftop in Seattle sunbathing, eating a salad right.

Speaker 2 13:32

Who doesn't love salad?

Speaker 1 13:33

And it's a voiceover right, and so the paraphrasing what it said was you know, I've always been able to do this. You know this breakup period. I've always been able to do it because there's a certain dignity in being alone.

Speaker 2 13:47

Oh yeah, there is.

Speaker 1 13:48

And it's such a life skill and I almost feel bad for people that don't know how to incorporate that.

Ground Zero Memories

Speaker 2 13:54

Oh, it's so, Because it's healing. It's such a flesh being single, it's affirming it's really, it's really important. It's fabulous, oh man. You must meet all sorts of interesting people, including the one who almost died, I do you know?

Speaker 1 14:07

in a past life I was a photojournalist, Was at Ground Zero for a week that day filming, and that's when I made the plan to exit journalism. I didn't want to do it anymore, yeah, I can imagine. You must have seen some shit. I did Lots of stuff.

Speaker 2 14:23

I worked in the Bronx emergency room as a pa when during covet, and that's when I decided no more emergency room for me.

Speaker 1 14:30

Right, you see, enough shit, you're like nah you know what was really something great that I saw there? What uh west side drive, about 10 blocks north of you know the pit, the ground zero area, uh-huh, um, there was uh for lack of a better uh term, it was an asian massage parlor that went legit for the week oh wow and we heard this rumor, what was going on there, and we went up to do a sidebar story.

Speaker 1 14:59

And we walk in and, sure enough, it's like there's like 50 cops and firemen all in towels and they're all getting massages and they went legit for the week and they were giving them all like grease downs and shiatsus and all this shit. Oh, that's nice. It was the greatest fucking story.

Speaker 2 15:14

Don't you love when you see humans coming together for good Right. It happens every now and then.

Speaker 1 15:19

And like I walk in and like there was, the watch commander guy was in there and I watch commander guy was in there. I said I was like lt, are you kidding me? Right now he's like yeah, fuck it, man, the fucking world's coming to an end, why not?

Speaker 2 15:29

that's. I love that.

Speaker 1 15:30

We'll be writing him citations next week, but for now they're good. Oh, that's really sweet you get the keys to the city wait.

Speaker 2 15:36

Can I ask you something personal about your ground zero experience? Of course, I've seen a lot of death and a lot of fucked up shit of course, based on my work experience. Yeah, were you there like as it was happening or after?

Speaker 1 15:49

I got there that afternoon. I was in DC, I filmed the Pentagon and they sent me up to New York that afternoon, oh my God. And so I had to pay cash to get on a boat from Liberty State Park across to the financial district. Damn, it was lovely chatting with you.

Speaker 2 16:06

Yeah, sorry for trauma dumping but.

Speaker 1 16:08

No, are you kidding me? Absolutely not. It's been real, absolutely Thank you so much. Okay, lena, have a good night, bye-bye. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you all set. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.