The Lovers I Made of Longing

Join my co-host, Sydney and I as we dive into discussions around the multifaceted nature of love, exploring personal experiences, the significance of connection, and the journey of self-discovery. We discuss the romanticized view of love, the complexities of crushes, and the importance of cultivating love in all aspects of life. Our conversation highlights the balance between freedom and commitment in relationships, the sacrifices made for love, and the ongoing quest to understand and embrace love in its many forms.

Highlights:

Reflecting on love

Our personal journeys with love

Love beyond romantic relationships

First Experiences of Love

The Search for Meaning in Love

The Complexity of Crushes

The Impact of Love on Personal Growth

The Evolution of Love

The Sacrifices We Make for Love

The Ongoing Journey of Understanding Love

This episode was produced by six-two.studio

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Fairy Tea is a deeply personal podcast where I share the raw, honest messiness of life—exploring how to break free from societal expectations and follow the heart’s calling. Blending storytelling, spirituality, folklore, and self-discovery, Fairy Tea is both magical and real, whimsical yet grounded. It’s a space to embrace uncertainty, face challenges without fear, and stay curious about the possibilities ahead. Through my own experiences, I invite listeners to see that a new way of living is possible—one that is intuitive, soulful, and uniquely their own.

Instagram: @fairytea.podcast or @akayourfairygodmother

Email: akayourfairygodmother@gmail.com

Transcript

Sophie (00:00.364) Welcome to Fairy Tea, where we sip on the thorough wisdom of the fairy realm and uncover its ancient secrets for healing, pleasure and rest. I'm your host Sophie, here to sprinkle a little enchantment into your everyday life. Think of this as one great unfolding experiment. An invitation to dance with magic, trust the unseen and let curiosity lead the way.

Sophie (00:35.416) Hello everybody, welcome back to Fairy Tea. Welcome to the sixth episode. We're already halfway through the first season, which is absolutely crazy to me because this has been such an all-encompassing project for me. It has taken away from me so much. It has also given me so much. And being halfway is a beautiful moment because I get to reflect on what

was and now kind of like I'm very excited for what's to come. So I'm again here with Sydney, my temporary co-host. Hi Sydney.

Hi, thanks for having me back.

So we're here today we're gonna talk about love Yeah, the concept a concept that has very rarely been talked about in the past

Wow.

Sydney (01:31.246) Are you being sarcastic? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Check that.

I really felt the need to talk about this subject because I am loved through and through. think my heart is basically three quarter of my substance. Ever since I can think I've longed for deep, all encompassing

unconditional love and it's definitely been a journey I think throughout my life, throughout my 20s mostly, where I think everything I've ever done in terms of work, in terms of people, in terms of everything, like everything I've ever done was with the goal or the purpose of love.

I think I want to start with hearing your, how your perspective on love has changed kind of throughout your life. Okay. And where you started and kind of your search and how your view has changed. Because I do think that this goes back a lot to two sides of the same coin. And I think that my journey, not journey, I think that my view in a lot of ways has been not the opposite necessarily, but very, very different.

So this kind of like all goes back to I think ever since I can think, I've longed to find my person. And...

Sydney (03:03.896) Mm-hmm. Like a Disney princess, ask, type.

Kind of, yes, kind of. And while I still have that longing, I think I look at it very differently nowadays in the sense that... So when I was younger, I really just focusing on what was happening outside of myself. So it's just, I was just trying to find in the outside world,

you're to look at it more.

Sophie (03:37.1) what I was missing. You know? That kind of, felt like a limb that was missing to me and I was just like looking around and like whenever I met people I was like, are you my limb? I wouldn't say that obviously, but that's how it felt.

I mean, you told me even going back to like when you were 14, like what'd do? You had, it wasn't just a list of everyone you kissed. was like.

Yeah, I had a little booklet that, yeah, I literally wrote down every single kiss I've experienced. it was like a diary, but just of the people that I kissed. So when I was younger, it's really cute because kissing was so much more important to me than like all the physical action, which obviously, yeah, around like between 14 and 16. Okay. And I...

How old are here? How old are you?

Sophie (04:28.502) all the horny boys were like, what the fuck, you know? But to me, it was just like the kissing and the magic and like this moment of like, I think when you first kiss and you don't know much about like, you usually kiss very early on, right? You don't know much about a person and then you kiss the person and it's like this like, it's almost like to me, it feels like, cause you pass people all the time on the streets, whatever, but.

When it comes to a kiss, it's almost like time and space collapses. It's almost like this weird, energetical gravitation towards each other and time and space collapses between two people and you touch and I know this is wild, but that's how I experience

it right? So you have a very romanticized, cinematic almost view of just kissing in general in that way.

So what I'm trying to say is like when time and space collapse between two people and you kiss, then like it's almost like a portal opens and like there's this crazy amount of potential around those two people and what they make out of their conjoined energy. And usually it dies, you know? Usually it's like for the most part it's gonna fizzle out and die because...

Like the threshold to kissing, think for most people, not everybody, I think there are people that are very careful with that. like threshold for kissing is like rather low in comparison to like actually like getting physical with someone. And so you have this like crazy potential. And I just, I don't know, I think it's like a drug experiencing that. That like

Sydney (06:19.096) Kissing, and love in general.

portal that opens and that like, you don't know where this is going. So yeah, I definitely, I definitely experience love in a very physical, very spiritual, very consuming way, which is a curse and a blessing at the same time. I think it's the source of all my creative endeavors. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sydney (06:50.996) of them. Romantic love, like this particular type of love.

No, like love in general. very different. Yeah, that's very different. And I think coming back to what we said earlier with my theory that people only allow for that love or that's how I grew up. know, I grew up with everything is explainable. Everything is so to say, static or, you know, has its fixed terms and is like

Okay, well that's very different.

Sophie (07:24.248) That's how it is and that's it. And then love is this like secluded area where really all kinds of things can happen and everything is possible and no story is like the other. And I think that limited me and my living for a very long time. And that's where I'm saying like,

Mm-hmm.

Sophie (07:51.98) It goes back to what we, what we talked about in the last episode because ultimately, or let me ask you, because I don't know how you see that, but I'd say what we're doing in terms of like noticing things, feeling things, like noticing the patterns, following the butterflies, appreciating what's all around us, appreciating the small things. I think.

Ultimately, what we're doing is putting out love.

Yeah, I mean to an extent for sure. When I think back to moments in my life where I've been like, I'm falling in love right now. There's been very few of those that are attached to people. And when I think of them, the first in my mind, or at least in the past, the first in my mind have been, I'm honestly falling in love with places or traveling or anything like that, more than people I can name, stories where I'm like, I'm going to...

stay in this place. Like I know because of this like moment right here right now that I love this place. Or I know that I love just like, I don't know, for me love has been for so long not tied to a person and tied to like everything else. And that's really why I've done everything that I've done. Which is funny just because it goes back to our whole two sides of the same coin thing. And I think now that there is a person involved for me it kind of is like

centering it and like it's just reframing a lot of things almost if that makes sense.

Sophie (09:27.146) Interesting, yeah. It's interesting because you're literally saying the opposite of what I'm saying. Since that for you it started like love was everywhere and like now you're kind of like finding out about what love means directed to people or between two people. Whereas for me, how I grew up in the mindset that I was immersed in, you know, we don't choose this. It's part of my environment.

from the

Sophie (09:57.566) love was very much only allowed in this like romantic area. So I tried to, because I was longing so much for that kind of for that magic, that bigness, that dreaminess, because that's who I am inherently, right? I felt like I over focused on the area of like a partner because I thought that's

the only source where I can feel those feelings. And I think over the past years, really letting go of sure, societal expectations, but what does that even mean? I think no one ever really told me you have to do this, but like, I did feel this like pressure of like having to do it the way other people do it because they...

other people do that because probably they know what they're doing. And I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. So I tried to imitate the people that I knew what they were doing and letting go of that and kind of like really just like taking a moment and like letting my heart breathe and letting my heart take the lead, which is still an ongoing project and it's scary as hell. I'm by no means saying that I've

figured it out in any way, but I've definitely learned to listen way more to that and less to, you know, all the other like noise.

Yeah, what's your earliest conscious moment of like realizing that you're falling in love or in love? And is it with a person or is it with a concept in general?

Sophie (11:38.028) The first time where I felt like I was in love. Well, the first time that I thought I was in love. My first big love was Paul McCartney.

Okay.

and I watched a documentary on the Beatles when they were young and I fell in love with his aura.

How'd you know you were in love?

I, like my entire body was like sizzling. My heart was like almost like vibrating. I don't know. That was a weird thing. I've had like, this was, this would like, you know, occupy me for like half a year. And I was at the time I was maybe eight or nine.

Sydney (12:05.816) Yeah.

Sydney (12:17.71) Do think it was more you just liked his music, you liked his energy? Like, what do you think drew you to him?

It wasn't his music. I didn't really care about the music. Which is funny, right? It wasn't the music. was really his aura.

But at that time too, were you like, I'm in love? Yeah. Like, was it like a conscious? Yeah. I know.

Yeah, no, dude, I had a plan of like growing up I was like all I have to do is to grow up become 18 and then I'm gonna hunt the guy down and At the time I was in like I don't give a fuck that that guy's like 60 once I turned 18. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't care

I think that can be worked out in posts, yeah.

Sophie (12:53.346) I didn't care. just, I wanted to, I truly felt like that is my person. And obviously that was just a crush. I think I've always felt drawn to people that feel, that seem very free to me. And that is obviously like a projection, a protection from my end, you know? But when I see a person that kind of like doesn't operate within like all those given frameworks,

Mm-hmm.

Sophie (13:22.114) That's really draws me in.

But you're like, even from the start, was drawn, it was tied to a person, even if it was a fictional or not fictional, but even if it was someone who you're.

Like I said, I grew up with this concept that only love provided this kind of magic that I was yearning for. So I focused everything on this. I focused everything on finding a person that could provide that sense of magic for me. And that kind of went side by side with this whole breakdown, of having my...

Mm-hmm.

Sydney (13:49.07) interesting.

Sophie (13:59.928) having my burnout and like really realizing that what I'm trying to do isn't working. Cause even like, you could even like argue that like me becoming a lawyer to an extent was me trying to earn love. Mainly me trying to earn love from my dad, you know, for sure. And I really like, I know how that sounds. I'm fully aware of how that sounds.

I was probably even aware of the fact that this is not going to work even back then, but I still, I didn't know how to operate otherwise. So I tried to achieve that and like through that became more miserable than I've ever been. So I came to, I got to this point where I'm like, okay, what I'm doing right here is not working whatsoever. And that's kind of like where I was like, okay, open your heart up and like try.

Try to forget about all the rules that you've ever thought were rules and figure out your own framework. And I think that's kind of like how all of this started and that's kind of like what grew over the past two years and how we got here to this idea of the fairy universe and everything. And I think in the past, I was so hyper fixated on finding a person that I was neglecting, not on purpose, but I was neglecting.

all the other aspects of my life that were important and that are in fact very important to me. Like what I do for a living, what I do for work is such an essential part of me, but I didn't understand in the past how to infuse it with love. And I didn't understand that me infusing it with love is gonna make me love it, if that makes sense.

know, explain that a little bit more to me.

Sophie (15:48.736) I feel like, again, what we're doing with the magic, with finding magic, looking for magic, it's like, the way I see it is like, it's us putting out love, us cultivating love in every aspect of our lives. And I look at cultivating love way less as something where I go out and I like try to find someone or try to find something or a place.

that gives me love because that inherently comes from, and I don't like those like buzzwords, like, where is my end of the bargain? Like where is my, know, like love always meets on a frequency. It's a win-win. Of course. And I think I was going out, not deliberately, not intentionally, obviously, but I was going out on empty and empty and was like, who wants to give me love? And then like, no one was like,

Well, you're not handing out anything. Like, how are we supposed to give you love? You know, and I'm not saying I wasn't lovable at the time, but I definitely made it harder for myself, way harder than it would have had to be.

Yeah, well, it just sounds, again, it's so two sides of the same coin, but it's just so opposite in the way that I've approached. mean, anything when it comes to that is you're going out and you're like, how can I be something for you to love? Whereas I'm like, what do I love and how do I get that in my life?

which is beautiful, you know?

Sydney (17:18.783) Yeah, like I would say my earliest memory of like, it's not even that early, I was pretty old for it, but like my first conscious thought of like, like, shit, I'm in love. We were like, it was a, it was our international chorus chat that you've seen all over my fucking photo roulette. But I was, we had just gotten to the hotel in Prague and I was staying in room with my friend and it had just been like a super long, exhausting travel day.

is.

Sophie (17:36.417) I remember.

Sydney (17:47.406) I was like 17, 16 for it. And we went to go like scan our key to get into the room and the key didn't work. And I said to my friend, I was like, you stay here, I'll go down and I'll deal with this. And I walked down with the key and no one at the front desk, cause we were staying at some cheap hotel for like the whole chorus class. No one there spoke any English. And I was trying to like communicate with them this issue that we had at hand with the key not working. And there was just like sheer chaos everywhere.

And everyone was like yelling and like no one knew how to help me and I was getting passed off from person to person to person. And I was so confused and tired and exhausted and dirty and sweaty. And I was there. I was like, this is awesome. I was like, I have no idea what's going on. I'm so out of my element. I'm so excited to explore Prague. Like I'm so happy to be here. Like I, and it worked out, you know, and that is also part of why I think traveling is just like so addicting in general. Cause like the problems come on there worked out so fast and you just feel so proud of yourself.

But that feeling of working everything out and just being there in the chaos, I was like, I love this. I'm in love with what I'm doing and where I am right now. This is where I'm to be. So opposite.

I love this and it's so opposite, it's definitely like a feeling I can relate nowadays. I can relate to so much like this, this sense of like, it's this essentially it's the same thing of like this potential of like, this, this like curiosity and like the fact that you wake up in the morning, you don't know what's happening. And then by the end of the day, you're like a changed person because something kind of like

completely change your perspective. You know, or like.

Sydney (19:26.612) It was cool. was so, it's my first moment of like consciously being like, this is love. Yeah.

That is so interesting. That is so interesting and so beautiful.

Obviously, there's like, you feel family love and friend love and I've felt a lot of love in my life. But as far as falling in love with new and exciting thing or a new and exciting, something like that was my doing that.

I think it's crazy that that's where it started for you. And it took me such a long time to get there. I really had to fight to get to this place. Because for me, and this goes back to a lot of environmental factors in my life, but I think for very long time I put so much pressure upon myself to perfect.

myself in every aspect possible. I mean like physical, mean in terms of what my job was, like I wanted to have like a neat polished story so there would be no, and that goes back to a very sad truth because I felt inherently damaged. I felt inherently damaged and unlovable when I was younger.

Sophie (20:45.506) So I tried to manufacture a life that no one could possibly find any flaws. And that kind of like paralyzed me to an extent where I was just like, I didn't feel like there was life inside of me anymore at some point, you know? And so there was no room for what you're explaining. There was absolutely no room for me to experience that because I was so over controlling with everything I, like I was controlling.

every single word that I would let out. you imagine? It's crazy. So obviously I was kind of like looking for, for rescue from the outside because from the end there was nothing like flexible enough on the inside anymore to, to access that for myself. So it kind of like makes sense to me that I was so

Yeah, it's crazy.

Sophie (21:42.218) outside focused and so focused on a person that would come into my life and like save me from that free state.

And you found someone to do that.

I friend someone to do that. Myself. Okay. Or what were you aiming at?

I think your long-term boyfriend really gave you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. mean, definitely bless. This is hard. I was with a guy for four years that definitely, I was a disheveled little baby chicken when he found me. like, like, I truly feel like I was like in like a little kitty litter and he found me and he took me in and he bathed me and he kind of like showed me how like, you know,

Sydney (22:06.528) This is

Sophie (22:31.83) somewhat normal functioning, caring world looks like. And I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for him. It ultimately didn't work out. I also built up a lot of resentment towards him saving me. Because, well, because it created an environment of codependency. I was very codependent on him.

No sir.

Sophie (23:00.822) I don't think I would have ever been able to finish my studies if it wasn't for him, especially my bachelor's. I was so overwhelmed with everything and he basically was just like, you take care of your studies and I organize all the rest of the life around you. And while that was very sweet and I much needed that care, I also felt so flawed not being able to function.

looking for a missing limb and you found one and then once you had it you didn't necessarily want it anymore.

Yeah, I mean, that's an issue for sure. I think we found each other and we had a good time together, but there were things that were incompatible and there were things I still had to figure out for myself before I was actually ready to kind of like, even though we had the very like partner relationship and I think I also helped him a lot in many aspects he was struggling and I think I wasn't fully ready to be a partner.

At the time I was too young. was, I still had to figure out a lot of things for myself first.

Well, you were still in the process. I mean, it seems like it was around the time where you were still trying to change yourself to make yourself able to be loved instead of approaching it from the other way. And so in that case, I feel like it's difficult to be ready for.

Sophie (24:24.768) Yeah. And I also couldn't really accept it. And I ultimately don't think that we were lifelong match for each other. No, we weren't. Bless his heart though. I'll be forever grateful. I'll forever love and cherish this person. But yeah, it was a long journey and I think I've dated a lot of people. I tried out a lot of people. It was also like me trying to find out what I want. And I think...

I think more than ever, I'm like able to say out loud what it is that I want and what it is that I need. And I think I wasn't in the past. I think I was way more focused on how people want to see, you know, a person and like, I have to be like cool and collected and like not show too much of my craziness and like be unbothered.

Sydney (25:24.812) Crazy. Even when you just have a crush you're intensely crazy.

I'm probably the intenses and craziest.

Some would say it's normal, but...

I mean, can we talk about how horrific it is to have a crush?

I think the biggest propaganda you're sold in your entire life is that having a crush is fun.

Sophie (25:45.226) Amen. my God, having a crush is the worst and it's also the best, but it's torture. And we have to acknowledge that it's never just fun and it's never just, you know, it's like this crazy, it exists in this crazy ambivalence of like absolute terror and like the biggest choice.

It's actually torture.

Sydney (26:06.99) Which even that we early crush I think both of us are so different in the way that we talk about early crushes and even go about them. For someone to get the crush label for me like I have to know that you like me back basically in order to say that I have a crush on this person and I will be like no I don't like him like what are you talking about or I'll just be thinking about all like the very many reasons a canter won't work out. Meanwhile you

When I see a person I tell you I'm in love with them. Yeah. They. Yeah, no, I've told people I'm in love with people that I haven't even spoken to yet. It's not happened that often, but it's... But you know what I thought about that and I think it's interesting that we both have so different approaches to that and I definitely used to be more...

Well, tell me you're in love with him after like a

Sydney (26:41.944) See, that's crazy to me.

Sydney (26:49.518) And I don't know what that means in the framing of the other of what we were just talking about too. It's like you putting love more in people and me putting it more in like the outside world.

Wait, Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I have a thought that I want to get it out. about that because I think and I thought about this and I used to be way more reluctant about talking, you know. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be I used to hide way more or like be more, I guess, ashamed or afraid to jinx it or like to say something and then it would turn out that I would just

live in a delusional world and the other person actually didn't feel the same thing. And I think I came to the conclusion similarly to how people handle telling other people that they're pregnant. I think some people prefer to wait until the pregnancy is somewhat safe, which is like three months. And a lot of people do that. Most people do that. Yeah. Because they...

people do that. I would certainly do that.

Sophie (27:55.192) don't want to deal with the repercussions because it's very likely to lose a baby within the first three months and then you have to like tell everyone we're actually not pregnant and blah blah blah that adds to the whole difficulty. And then there are those people that say no I want to I'm at least with the people that I'm very close and I think I'm not sharing having a crush with the entire world you know don't get me wrong but with the people that I love and that are closest to me I want them to know that I

went down the wrong road, hit a dead end, that I'm suffering, that I'm mourning, that I'm crying, that I'm sad, that this yet again wasn't the person that I thought they could be. And I made my peace with that. I totally made my peace with that. totally made my peace. So I currently have a crush. Let's see how that pans out in like six weeks from now when this episode is actually going to air.

And I told you every single detail about it and how I feel about it and you know, like, and there were definitely moments where you were like, okay, you are nuts. And I'm fully aware of that. I'm fully aware of the insanity and in those words, but I also feel like we have a relationship that is so, like, I trust you so much that I know you can kind of like place that insanity within who I am as a person. You know?

So I do trust in our connection that I can like... Yeah, because we all have crazy thoughts when it comes to crushes. Like insane thoughts, you know? Like insane visions of like, could be doing this or we could like get there eventually or whatever or like have a child together. Like people think about those things.

a little bit crazy.

Sydney (29:33.345) I hate having a crush.

Sophie (29:48.888) which is normal, it's like, think it's just necessary to kind of like come back to reality every now and then and be like, okay, those are nice thoughts, but just...

What I think is even crazier about you is that you'll actually tell this to the person you have a crush on though.

Not everything. I don't say everything, but I think I've learned to also trust that they can place it where it's supposed to be placed. For example, always, with this person particularly, think this is actually the first time that I did this, I told them very clearly from the get-go, listen, if something feels right,

For me, in the very moment, I'm going to tell you, but this doesn't necessarily mean it's going to transcend. Like, I'm not a fortune teller. And I don't claim to be. And I don't want to be. Like, I'm just going to say how it feels in this very moment for me. And with the disclaimer that something can happen further down the line, and that could change my outlook on us. But I don't want to have to choke on my own words.

Yeah.

Sophie (31:01.422) If they want to come out, they want to come out for a reason. know? That's how I see it and that's kind of like how I...

Yeah.

I act but I understand. No. think that'd be a nice way to act.

And I don't think you have to. I think for me, it's... Because it builds up within me. I think that's the main issue that I have. If I don't say it, I'm gonna... I feel pressured. And then I start acting the way I think the other person wants me to act. And I don't want to be in this. I want to be myself. And I have trust that people can... Because what happens is I have more...

Like we've talked about this, like this sense of stability. I don't really, like people can say really crazy shit to me if I feel like that person is, has a sense of stability within themselves, I don't really care. It doesn't really affect me. But like when I feel like a person is kind of like unstable and kind of like doesn't really have and like a good, not control, but like a self-awareness, that's kind of like where I think it gets eerie. You know?

Sydney (31:43.757) Yeah.

Sophie (32:09.292) or like a little freaky or like uncomfortable being in a person's presence. And I think that for me happens when I don't say what I feel, you know? And then that's kind of like where things go sideways for me. So it's actually like me embracing my crazy is actually when I'm most stable, which sounds weird.

Yeah, it makes sense.

Sydney (32:30.316) Weird, but weird. Have you been in love with a person ever since you've kind of opened and expanded your meeting of love and view of love in general? How do think that's going to work out?

No. I think having opened up myself to love, my heart, to cultivating love in everything that I do has completely revolutionized my outlook on what I want and what I need in a partner. Because I love my life so very much. It's crazy.

How so?

Sophie (33:08.206) call myself a lucky duck almost every day. My life is so cool. And this is also something I've always felt, but for a very long time, lacked to find the right words. I very much want to be with a person and co-create a life together. But I need a partnership that feels both safe and very free.

Life is so-

Sophie (33:37.864) for me to kind of like, because I'm not willing to abandon my life. I'm not willing to let go of my big plans and my freedom and like going places, going to places where my energy is called to is like a very essential thing for me. Yeah. And I'm not willing to let that go. And so I need a person that kind of like does their own thing, but also like that is

that wants to create a home but not to just sit in the home.

which is so difficult to find.

which is so difficult to find, but I think if I exist, there has to be people that exist that want that too. And I think nowadays I can only really fall in love with someone if I sense that that could be a possibility. It's impossible for me to fall like, cause there's no point. I'm gonna, it's just gonna torture either me or the other person if that requirement isn't met, you know?

Yeah, makes sense.

Sophie (34:46.807) So it is definitely, it has definitely become harder for me to fall in love. But who knows?

But also easier, because you're falling in love with everything and everyone.

I'm falling in love with everything. Yeah, absolutely. I think especially like, I mean, I'm in love with you to an extent, you know, I'm in love with our energy, with what we're creating together. I think I'm so much in love with like, platonic romantic love for me is such an essential thing. And I feel that with every person that I interact on, like that is not just surface level.

And that can be very faint, that can be very just in the moment. And I don't need, I don't have the necessity of like holding on to anything like, cause it's a reoccurring theme at this point. Like I trust that there's like wherever I go, there's love. And like, look at our trip. It was filled with love. It was filled with love and we didn't plan any of it. So I really have this like deep trust that wherever I go, I will encounter love in...

some shape, way, shape or form. Although that like right now I feel like I'm, it's a ridiculous thing to say, but I feel like I'm very close to like, or the energy feels very much like I'm actually like transcending into that realm of like being with a person long time. Cause I haven't had that for a long time. I've been single for the past almost three years. And there were times where I wasn't interested in dating.

Sophie (36:20.842) I mean, the past half year, was basically, was not on a nap. I was not going out with anyone and I was perfectly fine with it. And there was no pressure, need or wish. Cause I was so full with love with everything I was doing and everything I was creating in terms of this podcast and everything. So it is weird that now I feel like this like partner love is becoming more present again.

just interested to see where he goes.

Yeah, because when we were talking about this episode earlier, I told you my biggest fear in life in general, and I said this to so many people, is just being so in love with so many things to where I feel like I can't love any of them. And I felt that, like, when I say it causes me more grief than anything else in my whole life, I mean that with my whole heart. Like, I love so many things that I cannot have at once. And that's not, like, obviously there's an infinite amount of love to be

shared but physical limits exist and inhibit in a lot of ways. And there's only so much time and money and resources and anything that you can put towards things and people and places that you absolutely love. And so this is while you have not been seeing love everywhere, I've been seeing love freaking everywhere for a long time now. And that's just it's really interesting because I also think that again, I can find it everywhere. Like I think that I can be happy pretty much in every geographic place. Don't make me live in Pittsburgh.

We're in Pittsburgh, I don't like Pittsburgh. I could be happy pretty much anywhere. I could find joy and I can find love in pretty much everything I do, which that in itself is stressing me out. Because I'm like, whatever, it just gets in my head sometimes. But I feel like in that there's such a beauty and then I like, I'd be like crying driving because I'll be like how like me traveling and going off and doing the thing that literally makes me happier than anything else.

Sydney (38:21.76) really has in the past. Then I see the grief that, not the grief, but I see the impact that it has on my family and how hurt a lot of my family and my friends are by me leaving as much as I do. And then I feel like I can't be a good daughter, a good friend, or a good sister for people here at home when I'm off exploring this other thing that I love so much. I don't know. It's such a silly problem to have. And every time I cry about it, I'm like, what a lucky girl I am to be crying because I love too many things.

How absurd is that? But then it also is like, objectively, what keeps me up in the middle of the night. But it's, I don't know. When I met a girl in Turkey, it was my first trip, then I hadn't really like gone off and like explored and done any of the hostile stuff yet. I had only done work-wise at that point. And she was 29 and she'd been traveling on and off for the last 10 years. And so this meant for her that she worked like three or four jobs throughout college and really just basically just worked her ass off.

as much as she could, whenever she could, to be able to travel as much as she could. And she was explaining this to us, me being like freshly graduated in 22 and not knowing anything about this life. And a bunch of others who were pretty new to the hostile life too, and all of us were kind of like jarred by her story there. We're like, wow, like you really sacrificed a lot to be able to do this. And she just kind of looked at us and shrugged and was like, when you love it. And those words are why I do what I do.

in every way. Like when you love it, do make sacrifices for it. When you love it, you do find a way to make it work. Yeah. But for me, it has never been a person. And so now to have it be framed in terms of things that I love and places that I love, but also someone that I'm in love with is weird. It's fun.

It's almost there's no choice.

Sophie (40:08.238) Definitely challenging. Like new terrain is always like interesting.

Well, I think it's interesting that you think that romantic love is one of the only places where people can still find, like that magic can accept that magic is a factor in that. And I would say that maybe the limiting down of that is just because it's easier. When you can say, like, this is the one thing that you're going to sacrifice everything for, it's easier to do that. But when you start falling in love with everything and being in love with everything.

Yeah, of course.

Sophie (40:39.47) And I think that's why I was inherently drawn to you because you just exhibited that without like... It's like second nature to you, you know? Going around and I think very few people are like that.

Yeah, but it certainly complicates things.

Of course. No, of course. But the other thing complicates things too. I I had complications even though I limited to this very like, I don't think there's... You know, it's same, same. But what is very interesting to me is that you are concerned that you don't have enough, mean, not necessarily enough love for everything that you love, but like not enough resources for everything you love.

Yeah,

Sydney (41:03.542) Sure, of course.

Sydney (41:22.35) Yeah, I'm afraid that I won't be able to show my love in an adequate way for any of the things that I love because I love too many things and people and places.

Because that's interesting because that's not a concern that I have whatsoever. I feel like love is like this one like unlimited resource that I can just...

Like I

Sydney (41:40.174) Maybe, but as far as like showing love goes, like if you're spending quality time at home, if I'm spending like one-on-one time with my mom, that's time that I'm not spending doing whatever.

No, I do get it. I do get what you're aiming at. I think I'm at a very different point in life in terms of like, I radically just, I do believe that me honoring my heart, seemingly at the expenses of the people that I love, ultimately benefits the people that I love. this is, I'm not, at this point, yes. I think.

Maybe, but do they see it

Sophie (42:20.916) Again, like I'm not projecting this onto your situation whatsoever. This was my particular situation. I think it also has a lot to do with my age. I think this would have been very different if I had done the same thing at your age, it would have been a completely different story. But I think where I was at, it got to a point where I was suffering so much that people that loved me suffered with me.

Because that also happens, right? People that love you, they're going to suffer with you if you're suffering. And I think the suffering has become so insufferable that... And it was difficult. Like, I know for a fact it is hard, objectively hard for my best friend that I'm not around as much as I used to be. It is hard for my parents to not know when they're going to see me again.

But I think at this point, they've all seen the impact that it had on my life quality. And this is not a little one, like this is a crazy one. So I think they do understand that it was for the better. In my particular case, you know what I mean? Like, I think there's no option and there's no, this is not even up for discussion.

that I could be home because I want to be with them. But they know I love them. This is also an adopter discussion, but it's just, there was no choice around this. And the sweetest thing that my best friend actually told me and those words, like, I don't know, those words mean love to me so much was when I left. And we never really talked about how hard it was for her because I...

didn't really know how to approach the subject. didn't, you know, I didn't also want to stir up more pain that was already there. And I, we have a very like nonverbal understanding of each other. think we've always had that. but the sweetest thing that she told me was, I understand what you're doing. I've, I was by your side for the past year where you tried

Sophie (44:44.062) anything and everything to make the situation here work and nothing worked. So it's obvious that this is the inevitable step that you had to take. You know? Yeah. And that to me is love. Yeah. I'll never forget those words.

Yeah, it's so sweet.

Sydney (45:05.966) And I think I was raised with a view of love similar to that. And then maybe there's been some shifts along the way, but I, cause again, I got sent to camp every summer too. And that wasn't like, as far as my parents go, like they would have rather had me home. Four weeks is a long time to send your 10 year old. And I went for two months later. And obviously like I was such a fucking mess as a kid. They were probably excited to get me out for a bit, but like you only get so many summers with your kid.

So sure, yeah.

Sydney (45:35.352) growing up into my family, like they took a lot of stock in that, like that meant a lot to them. But they recognized that there's some things I was better able to learn outside of the house. And they also recognized that I had an absolute ball when I was gone. And I think those two factors, they're like, we love her enough to send her to camp. And I would talk about this with the girls in my cabin too, because so many of our friends would like, like our friends from home would say to us like, like my parents can never send me like they love me too much.

And we would be like, it's because our parents love us so much that they're able to send us to camp and make all these sacrifices that they do. Just as far as like time, money, like things like that go to send us out and about and on the way. And I think that's kind of like the view of love that I was raised and what I saw is kind of when you love someone, like you get your joy through them being happy and whatever makes them happy and whatever brings them joy is like then what you feel with them, which is so.

Yeah.

special really and like a unique view for sure. But then I think I've definitely pushed those limits a lot back at home. I've been like, I'm really going to take that to heart.

You know, and this is just me having a very outside perspective on your situation, but I think you're also at this very crucial age where people, you know, like the defining years where you kind of like build your... you build your like initial rails so you can rail away, whatever.

Sydney (47:01.55) I'm 24, by the way.

Sophie (47:13.1) And I think my parents at the time definitely like it's a struggle for parents to kind of like watch your kid go through that because you cannot do it for your kid. And if I think it's torture to an extent for them to like, to like just trust that it will somehow work out. And I think I passed that stage. Like my parents like

Sure, sure.

Sophie (47:40.943) I got to the age of 31, I did my education, I am not broke yet.

Ask me again.

And in a year, for real. And I think just that time kind of like allowed for them to ease in to the realization that whatever I do, I will be fine. You know? Yeah. I will land on my feet. I have my very own way of going about life. chose

a very non-conventional life, but it's working for me. It's making me happy. And I'm still, I'm not a complete mess in the sense that I am very much aware of the aspects of my life that I have to take care of in order to be safe and sound. And also interestingly, I think they've only really learned this through me going away.

You think? Yeah.

Sophie (48:44.206) I think when I left, was still a level of uncomfortability for both of them. On different levels, my mom was very concerned with the security aspect, the safety aspect. She had all kinds of weird ideas of how I could be kidnapped and whatever, like crazy stuff. And then my dad was more so worried that I...

I don't know, I'm like running from things or like don't really know where I'm going or like just that I, that what I was doing wasn't necessarily the best for me. And I had to consciously like just blank that out and be like, yeah, but that's the only thing my heart wants. And I think just through time and also my dedication and also how it transformed me as a person, how I talk.

Like how life flows through me nowadays. I swear to God, if you and I had met a year ago, I don't know whether we would have become friends. Weird, because I was in such a shell still. And I'm at such a different stage. I think for having seen that also kind of brought them back to the eternal knowing of like whatever my kid does for as long as she's happy, that's all I need.

But it took them like this whole detour to like come back to that. And I think that's, that's probably inherently parenthood the way I understand it today, know? Yikes. Yeah, yikes. I mean, yeah, it adds so much layers to like having a kid and like.

parent.

Sydney (50:31.67) Back to it all working out because I do think for me everything works out when you act in alignment and this is kind of bringing like a spiritual element more so into this. Yeah. Conversational love which I feel like deserves to be there. But for me acting in alignment is me putting my time and energy and effort into the things and the people in the places that give me and bring me the most amount of love basically. It's just directing my focus and my energy towards.

Definitely.

Sydney (50:59.99) what feels right and what feels right is always what's giving me life and what's giving me happiness and love.

I agree.

And so for me, love is just like, like I only, I want everyone that I'm with to feel that the time that they spend with me is like, there's no place I would rather be. If I could be anywhere in the world, I would choose to be here with you on this couch talking about this. And I can't be fake about that. I think the only way to make people feel that way is to actually feel that way. And so why would I want to sit on a couch with people that I like don't want to be on a couch with when I could not?

And I think that when you kind of lead with that energy, then things just have a funny way of working out. Like that to me is keeping my pieces close together towards the middle is like, what do I want? And then just doing what I want basically. Like what brings me life?

For sure, for sure. And I think that's something very admirable and very brave of you. I think, again, you know, I know, I know, but like it's your default setting and I worked for this. this is not like, this is not like, like comparing the two, but like, I definitely used to live a life where I was so hyper-focused on whether people would give me love that I didn't.

Sydney (51:58.008) You do it too.

Sophie (52:17.898) understand A, that I wasn't giving love because I didn't have any because I was empty. And B, I was not able to redirect my energy when even though I understood that there was nothing coming from them, you know, because I was so worried about what this said about me. I was so worried about not being lovable that I was almost kind of like

like trying to look for evidence that I wasn't lovable. Not on purpose, obviously, but that's kind of... You know? And when you embody love, obviously love is gonna come to you, but I had to really dig deep and learn that and understand that on that very profound level before I could like actually admit that. It was a long and strenuous journey.

yeah.

Sydney (53:12.014) Do think you're good at showing love to other people?

I think I'm fucking crushing it. Because I feel like I have, I'm at a stage where I have so much love in my life that I can give out love very effortlessly. And I think that's beautiful. And I think it's received in a very beautiful way, like throughout my life.

Yeah, that's it.

Sydney (53:37.888) Have you noticed a change in your relationships with your friends and family? Like since the shift? Yeah. Have some.

I think especially, and this is counterintuitive, but like especially as a woman, the more you love yourself and the more you say true to yourself, I think the more you allow for others to do the same. And I think when I grew up, I was so scared of like loving myself and like putting myself first because I thought it was, I was being ego, egotistical and like I wouldn't.

mind other people, but I think the more I like honor myself, the more I can actually go into like real connection with other people. And I think that's something that I'm constantly cultivating. And I think I'm cultivating this for me because it makes me inherently happy, you know, I think, and that's kind like what people feel like there's so little pressure on it because it makes me inherently happy. And then it doesn't, I don't really rely on what comes back and then

It always has like its own way of like developing itself and it's beautiful. And I'm not worried at all, you know?

It's been a wild episode. We touched on so many different things, but I think it just goes to show that it's a subject that is an ongoing thought. It's an ongoing... think people throughout time, people have always grappled with love, have always tried to wrap their heads around it. And we're just, we're going to keep doing that.

Sophie (55:27.296) If this episode stirred something in you, I'd love to hear about it. Send me a little whisper on Instagram at fairytea.podcast or just write the words fairy wings in my DMs. That's how I'll know you were here.

This was a 6-2 studio production. Find us at six-two.studio for all your creative sound needs.