FIRE IN HER EYES PODCAST
A podcast about women who persevered! Stories and conversations with and about resilient women.
FIRE IN HER EYES PODCAST
Who Is She? (Part 2)
A conversation with Dr. Asha Rani about her book: Who Is She? The Journey Beyond Being a Mother, Wife, and Daughter
Hello and welcome to Fire in Her Eyes. This is a podcast about women who persevered through pain to find peace and purpose. So if you're looking for a little inspiration and motivation to sustain you through difficult times, join us as we share stories of women who were empowered through pain and transformed struggles into sweet success. I'm your host, Tanya Skowronski. Friends, welcome back to another episode of Fire in Her Eyes. Today, our guest is Dr. Asha Rani. She's a New York native, a periodontist, and a clinical professor of dental implant surgery training. She is an ardent believer in bringing a more holistic approach to mind-body care. She practices Reiki energy healing and lectures on mindfulness to professional women's groups, dental students, and residents who treat PTSD patients. She teaches and travels internationally for dental missions, serving in underprivileged communities and remote areas. As a career woman, mother of three children, and a divorced parent, Asha is passionate about sharing her knowledge, stories, and integrating personal wellness into daily life. Her greatest joys beyond work and family life are dancing, painting, writing, nature walks, and meditation. Welcome, Asha, and thank you
SPEAKER_00:for joining us. Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_01:I'm so glad you're here. So if I believe I'm like most women, I lead a very busy life between professional and personal responsibilities, I rarely take the time to read a book. But when a friend recently introduced me to a book you wrote titled, Who is She? The journey beyond being a mother, wife and daughter, I felt compelled to read it. It's even more rare for me to read a book sitting down from front to back cover, but I did yours because I was hooked. What your story highlighted for me in this book, the power of authenticity and the courage to pursue it. I think many of us go through life Just going through the motions, doing what we're expected to do, checking off boxes, setting goals and achieving them almost in a robotic fashion. And we don't really stop and think about who we are at the core, not who the world tells us to be. Having said that, there are individuals like you who are brave enough to listen to their instinct, and discover that there's something greater they're meant to do than work on a checklist that's almost preset for them, like marriage, motherhood, career, promotion, and things like that. So let's start back from the beginning. What prompted you to write this book?
SPEAKER_00:So, you know, I've always enjoyed writing since I was a child. As I was going through this phase in my life where You know, I think sometimes when you approach a mile marker birthday, you tend to reflect. And as I was turning 40 and I was feeling like I have accomplished so much in life, the things that people dream about in terms of family life and career and the successes that society says as defines as success. I started to feel like. I have everything that I want, yet why do I still feel like something's missing? Like, why do I still feel empty? And that was the beginning for me where I began to journal a lot. And I began to write, physically write, pen and paper. And then sometimes I would be out and things would pop in and I would take my phone and write notes. And I was doing this over the course of about four years. And it was like a diary that I just kept writing. I rarely went back to reread, but I just needed to express and get it out. You know, fast forward, here I was now, a 44-year-old woman, three kids. You know, I come from an Indian background or my parents came from India with really only a 10th grade education, but with dreams of creating a better life for their family. born and raised in new york city in the projects so if anybody doesn't know what that is that's lower income housing so you know when you grow up as an immigrant child and you don't have a lot of money your perspective on life is very different and you know i was raised with the um spoken and unspoken uh expectations to study really hard in school and be successful get a good job um Be respectful. Do what you're told. Marry someone of the religion, of the culture. And do the things that are what's the norm. And so I did that without really thinking twice. You know, everyone's doing it, so you do it too. So in that, I became a successful dentist, went on to specialize, became a periodontist. Now I was doing surgery. I had money that my parents... never could have fathomed that they would see her daughter who came, they came from a village. Would they have expected to have a daughter who now has financial independence? No, that was like rare. Um, three children. I have a house with a white picket fence. Here we go. Here is everything that my parents would have dreamed for me that I would have dreamed for anyone who wants quote the best life. Um, And in that, I was ashamed to admit that I felt so unfulfilled. The writing helped me to really express what it is that I was feeling. And I had the intention that this was going to be a personal journal diary. And I put all the pieces of my writing from the past four years and I started to put it together as a story. first for me to read for myself for healing, to figure out what happened. Where did I walk? What paths did I take? And how did I get to this point? Then I decided that I wanted this journal to not just be for me, but I wanted it to be something that my kids could read. Because I knew that there was something here that they... needed to understand who their mom was, that she wasn't just their mother, that she was a woman who was navigating life. Because there may be some decisions, excuse me, some decisions in life that they may never understand. And I needed them to read it through my words, through my eyes. And as I was sharing my story with other women who were navigating their own personal childhood traumas, who were trying to make decisions about where they were now in life in terms of marriage, in terms of partnership, I realized that this wasn't just my story. It's a story of many women. And that's when I decided that I had to edit this book so much in terms of this was not the story of Asha. This is the story of one woman who is navigating life just like many women are. And you will find pieces in this book that anyone can relate to of any culture, any age, any background, any economic status. We all go through the same things, experience them different. And how do we navigate? How do we figure out what to do? Sometimes you just kind of have to look at somebody else and be like, how did they do it? Could I do that? And so my goal was if I could help even one person, then the journey that I am taking will continue to shed light on many others. There's no playbook for life. So you might as well write your own story. And so that's what I did.
SPEAKER_01:So well said. Do you find that Or did you find that there was one specific chapter that was hard for you to write?
SPEAKER_00:So writing this book and editing this book was probably the most difficult because there were a few times that I wanted to stop. Because you are reliving so many experiences that you want to move past from and you want to move forward from. So I would say the most difficult was writing about my childhood because that is where, you know, the magic of a child, the child that just lives free and is just happy and is just joyful. And then something happens that changes your trajectory, which is meant to happen because we're all here on this planet and everybody's here on a different path and a different mission. But something happens in childhood that changes you forever. And it is from that that now you have to do a lot of unlearning. So the chapter on how I grew up, being raised in the projects with little money, feeling unworthy because of where I lived, because becoming from an immigrant household where my parents hardly spoke English and they were treated differently and I was a very aware child and I could see that and I could feel the pain. Experiencing the death of my younger brother as a seven-year-old, how a child experiences death and grief and what families don't talk about. suffering from a speech impediment i used to stutter i could hardly speak without stuttering what that did in terms of affecting a child who didn't know how to express herself so if she couldn't express through words how was she going to express herself so for me being quiet and being very aware of my environment You know, my heightened senses, my senses in terms of my awareness increased because I didn't speak as much as I wanted to. Being inappropriately touched as a child and holding that in and not speaking about it. You know, there's so much that many children go through and you are surrounded by very loving parents. My parents are the most beautiful people in my life. Raised me with a lot of love. But things still happen. And there's nobody to blame. But there are things that children go through. Sometimes they will never share it. And so for me, as a grown woman, to heal the adult woman, you have to heal the little girl first. So to write the chapter about childhood trauma It was probably the most difficult because I had to relive that over and over as I was editing and then reading and then editing and then reading. But is where I got the most healing because unless you can face it yourself, you're not going to be able to do it in any other way.
SPEAKER_01:Have you been contacted by people who have read your book that you didn't necessarily know Have you received feedback? And if you can share with us some of that feedback.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I have, since the book was published, there have been many people who I don't even know, people internationally in other countries who are reading this book. I have had private messages about many women sharing child molestation. women who have shared that their daughters have experienced that. I have had so many women share their struggles in terms of feeling unworthy, whether they grew up with money or not, but the lack of self-worthy, like feeling like you're not good enough because of where you grew up or your background. So For people to feel like somebody understands is what this is about. You know, there's no cure. There's no protocol in here about this is what you do if XYZ happens. This is about allowing women, people to feel like they're not alone, to understand that their journey is just as powerful, whether they talk about it or not. Yes, I wrote a book about it. Yes, I speak on stages about it. But you don't have to do any of that to be able to know that your voice matters. And who you decide to share your story with, whether it's one person or whether it's to yourself, healing begins there by speaking your truth.
SPEAKER_01:Do you think girls... are more impacted when they experience certain childhood traumas than boys? Do you think it's harder for a woman to be her authentic self in society compared to a man?
SPEAKER_00:You know, obviously I can only speak as a female. However, as a mother of two daughters and a son, I do feel like Girls and boys process differently, but it doesn't mean that they don't feel the pain. Sometimes I think, you know, in general, and I think that's part of the problem where we put labels on how girls react or how they feel versus boys. You know, boys are also conditioned by society, by family upbringing, right? to be strong, don't cry, don't show your emotion, don't share your pain, be the provider of the family, be the one who handles it all. When you're raised like that and you're not given permission to express yourself, you tend to internalize it and stay quiet about it. But because you're quiet about it doesn't mean you're not going through the same pain and grief. We give women... We expect women to cry. We expect women to be able to talk in women's circles. How often do you see a men's circle of sharing feelings? We hardly see that, right? It's a societal conditioning. But I would say boys and girls feel the pain and the grief like anybody else. It's just how they express it is a pattern of what they've been taught.
SPEAKER_01:What was something in your journey of pursuing authenticity, something that you discovered that you weren't expecting? I
SPEAKER_00:did not expect that speaking my truth and living a life that felt authentic would mean that some people in my life were now no longer going to be in my life. You know, I didn't expect that me choosing me was going to make some close people in my life uncomfortable. That threw me off guard. You know, I think maybe that was me being naive because I never saw anybody stepping out of the box the way I did. So I hadn't I didn't see what could happen. but I only trusted that I knew I needed to make choices in my life that felt authentic to me. The decision to end my marriage of 25 years, because for me, outgrowing each other was allowing me now permission to say, I gave myself permission to say, I love you, but we have outgrown each other and it's time for us to move forward. in a different way. I had never seen anyone in my family or friend circle do that, which is why it was so difficult for me to even come to that decision because I didn't know if that was okay to do. You know, sometimes people wait or people expect in society that either if you're physically or emotionally abused or there's adultery, that's the reason to get a divorce. For me, being with somebody for 25 years, I learned a lot. I grew a lot. And I came to a point where I decided that it was okay to say we both deserve to live a life that feels authentic. And we're just going to be a different kind of family. When I made that decision, that became a trigger for some women in my life. Whether they felt the same way in their life or not, they can speak for themselves. But sometimes when you make a choice, it becomes a mirror to some people of something that maybe they're not looking at within themselves. So some circle of women backed up. They were not in support of my decision. And so I didn't expect that a tribe of people that I thought were gonna be there for support were not going to be there, which only then taught me more about Self-love. And accepting that it has to be okay to be misunderstood. I have to allow that to be okay to be misunderstood. And I'm not going to spend my energy or time to defend or explain more than I had already done. Because the energy that was most important was for myself and for my kids and my parents. So your tribe of people does change once you make different changes in your life. Be ready for that.
SPEAKER_01:Have your daughters read your book?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. They were the first ones. I took them along that journey with me as I was writing. They saw me when I would be at my desk and I would write and then I would take a break and I would ask them what should I name my book and I would run by the book cover with them. I brought my kids in the entire process with me One, so that they could see how mom was handling this phase in her life in terms of being very vulnerable, because they knew that I was sharing some deep life stories. But I also wanted them to know that they were safe in this story. I didn't want them to feel like I was outing them in any way that was going to be uncomfortable for them. So as a child to process divorce, to process having the two people that they love the most no longer be together, to rock their family foundation, there's no greater guilt that a parent feels than that. So it was a very sensitive experience for me to now share what was just within our house now for it to be public. So I was very mindful of what I was going to put in the book and what was going to be okay for them. So they read the book. They were the first ones before it went public. And the tears of love and support that they had, I mean... I don't even have words for that because what a gift, even before putting it out there, had the book not even made it out there, that for me was the win. And my son, who's the youngest, he's like, mom, you know, I don't like reading. He's like, just show me the part where you talk about me. So, you know, there's a little paragraph that I wrote and it's titled, A Letter to My Son. And he read that. And the smile that he had, and I could see, you know, here we talk about how boys express, you know, he hugged me and he, in his silence, I knew he felt it. So yeah. I launched my book. They were at my book launch party. It was all these adults plus three kids. I was like, there's no way I'm not going to have my kids there. Even though we were talking about a lot of serious, deep things, it was so wonderful to have them with me because this is a story of a family. I was grateful.
SPEAKER_01:That's wonderful. Have you ever asked your daughters specifically other than The pursuit of authenticity, the pursuit of a path that aligns with who you are. What's the most powerful lesson they've learned from you?
SPEAKER_00:They have learned to choose themselves, which means allow change to happen. Change is a part of life. Allow it to happen. And in that, you can make a choice and make a change at any point in your life. Change isn't always going to look pretty. Change isn't always going to be comfortable. Change doesn't mean that you're going to be happy because you're making a specific choice. It just means when you feel like you have outgrown something, give yourself permission to choose yourself and allow the change and go with the flow with wherever your heart is taking you. And as... my girls who are teenagers, as they navigate friendships in school, as they navigate relationships, feeling like, hey, mom, I don't think I want to be in this relationship with this boy anymore. Oh, why not? I don't know. I'm not really feeling it. Okay. It's okay to feel that. And it's okay to talk about that with him. They were allowed to see that if mom can make a change, at 40 something, why can't you make a change as a teenager? This is the beginning. There's no rule for the rest of your life. So for that, that is the biggest thing that they told me that you taught us that it's okay to change and to choose something different at any point.
SPEAKER_01:So how do you help them find that balance between honoring your commitment and And choosing change.
SPEAKER_00:Right. You know, in society. We make commitment to make it like once you make a choice, you stick with it. Right. For me. I believe that when you make a choice. Experience it. And in the experience. Allow your heart to guide you. When it no longer feels authentic. That is the time that you still allow yourself to pause and reflect. What doesn't feel good about it? Is it because you're afraid because of fear? That's different. Because if you're afraid, lean into it. Why are you afraid? That's not the time to give up and choose something different because you're afraid. Because fear dictates a lot of what decisions we make in life. It doesn't mean you're making the right decision. So when I say fear, It's about when your heart feels like I genuinely have outgrown this. So have you experienced it? Have you learned something from it? Did you grow from it? And hopefully the answer is yes, yes, yes. Do you feel like your journey in this area is done? And if the answer is yes, then you allow yourself to choose different. But if your answer is, oh, I don't think I can do it. Oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Oh, this is hard. No, then it's not the time to choose different. Then it's time to really lean in and allow yourself to continue to grow from the experience.
SPEAKER_01:Right. Sometimes I wonder in today's world where we look for instant gratification, right? You need something, you order on Amazon, within a day or two, it's at your front door. All the online dating apps opportunities there are available for you. I feel like a lot of ways relationships have become disposable. We're not as patient. We're not as tolerant. So for me, I struggle between teaching my kids to have the, the, the courage to live authentically versus honoring your commitments and knowing the difference between the two.
SPEAKER_00:I think it's really important to slow down. Once you feel like something is not aligned, that's not the time to make a decision. That's the time to slow down and really reflect on what's happening. We're so caught up in the rat race of life. Like you said, instant gratification. We're so caught up with doing and getting results, doing and getting results. But when you feel like something is off, it's not the time to make a really important decision, it's a time to slow down, reflect, think about what's happening, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, speak to somebody who you feel that can help you. Like that's the time to really dig deep before you make a decision. And sometimes we, make decisions based on how much time we've invested or how much money we've invested in something to say whether it's okay to make a change. I no longer follow that in terms of time invested and money spent. You know, I used to, but whether you want to put a 25 year, whether you want to have a 25 year marriage anniversary party, you know, to say, hey, I made it to 25 years, that doesn't mean anything. if you know that out of those 25 years, many of those were felt as you felt like, this is not really where I want to be. There's no graduation with the number. So I try not to, I would say I would rather have a few years of the most powerful, authentic life ever than 50 years of just average old, I'm just doing the daily grind.
SPEAKER_01:Right. I think the power of your book is that your story is not unique to you. So many of the struggles you faced, the questions you asked yourself, this feeling of being unfulfilled, even though you were doing all that you were supposed to do, is so common to many women. And your book is I have no doubt will empower so many women to dig deep and find the courage to pursue a life of meaning and a life of authenticity. So thank you for that. And thank you for taking the time today to talk to me.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, thank you so much for having me for doing the work that you do.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you.
UNKNOWN:Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:If you enjoyed this content, please make sure you subscribe to this podcast and leave a quick review to help us share the message.