FIRE IN HER EYES PODCAST
A podcast about women who persevered! Stories and conversations with and about resilient women.
FIRE IN HER EYES PODCAST
"Surfing" Through Grief: A Mother's Journey of Love And Legacy
In this heartfelt episode, we explore the profound journey of Tammy Patrick, who turned unimaginable loss into a beacon of hope and community. Through the story of her daughter, Ali Rose Patrick, Tammy shares how Surf The Earth Mental Health Community was born from love and resilience. Join use as we delve into themes of mental wellness, the power of connection, and the enduring impact of Ali's legacy. This episode is a testament to the healing power of sharing our stories and the strength found in community.
Hello, and welcome to Fire in Her Eyes. This is a podcast about women who persevered through pain to find peace and purpose. So if you're looking for a little inspiration and motivation to sustain you through difficult times, join us as we share stories of women who are empowered through pain and transform struggles into sweet success. I'm your host, Tanya Skaronsky. Today, on Fire in Her Eyes, I am so honored to hold space for a story born from both unimaginable loss and extraordinary love. Allie Rose Patrick was a vibrant soul whose light continues to this day to ripple far beyond her young years. Out of her life and legacy, her family created Surf the Earth Mental Health Community, a nonprofit dedicated to breaking the stigma, fostering connections, and focusing on mental wellness. Today, I have the great pleasure of speaking with Allie's mom, Tammy, who has chosen to transform her grief into a movement that inspires hope, compassion, and a sense of community. This is not simply a conversation about loss. It's about love, it's about resilience and the healing power of sharing our stories. Tammy, thank you for joining me today.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you so much, Tanya, for having me. I'm so honored that you asked me to be on your podcast.
SPEAKER_00:Can you start by sharing with us a little bit about who Allie was and her essence? What would you want people to know about her beyond her struggles?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, well, honestly, getting to talk about Allie, that's always a gift. So thanks for the question. People sometimes, you know, hesitate to bring her up and worried they might upset me, but it's opposite. You know, every time someone says her name or asks about her, uh, you know, they're just letting me be your mom again.
SPEAKER_00:Wow.
SPEAKER_02:So that means everything. Allie was pure love and light, wise beyond her years. Uh, you know, don't get me wrong, she had her teenage moments, but she was always uh she always led with her heart. She prided herself on being kind and caring, but she was also incredibly funny. You know, we laughed so much together, even in the hard times. Allie was um that friend that everyone wanted to go to because she really listened. I mean, like really listened. And when she spoke, her words had weight. She was deeply empathetic, she felt everything, she loved people with her whole heart. One of her favorite books was The Four Agreements: be impeccable with your word, always do your best, don't take things personally and don't make assumptions. It truly shaped how she lived. You know, she had her uh one of her best friends paint these little note cards with the agreements on them, and she mailed them out to people, just quietly spreading her kindness wherever she could. You know, and Allie loved to ask people, what's one thing you'd never get, I'd never guess about you. She loved connecting with people on a deeper level, finding the hidden parts of them that made them special. And one of um Allie's friends told me that she was self-conscious about her freckles. And Allie drew freckles on herself with a marker to show her how beautiful she thought that they were. That's just who Allie was. You know, she was uh she saw beauty everywhere and wanted everyone else to see it too.
SPEAKER_00:She sounds like a young woman with an old soul, yes, which is so beautiful. What would you say were some of her passions, her joys, and maybe even quirks that made her unique?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, well, she, you know, she was one of a kind. Allie had this iconic, effortless style. She always wore these overalls. She was known for wearing this boho felt hat always, or all these different kinds of hats. She didn't wear much makeup and she was just kind of naturally beautiful inside and out. And she always had this love for music and she had this special knack of like DJing and playing the right playlist and the right time. And you know, she could just read the room. Um, one of her biggest passions was skiing. You know, she was a well-known freestyle skier, and people called her the switch queen because she could just ski backwards so fast with such ease and swag. You'd hear people on a chairlift saying, like, who is that girl? She always had like go-go squeeze applesauce tucked in her ski bibs and hand out to people on the slope. Her Instagram handle was little applesauce because of it. She grew up skiing here at Boeing Mountain uh resort in northern Michigan and spent a year living in Park City, Utah during her sophomore year. And during sixth grade, she always headed out to Mount Hood every spring for window ski camp. She absolutely loved it there. And it was like where her confidence really bloomed. And Big Sky Montana, she lived there for three years, and um, she just found her true home and community there. She just loved the people out there and the community that um surrounded her. And she was a freestyle skier, so that train park can be really intimidating and like hard on your body too. But you know, Allie made everyone feel welcome. If she saw someone riding alone, she'd go up to them and say, Hey, you want to hang with me today? And she just um made so many friends this way all over the states. I still get messages about it. One of her special quirks was writing these handwritten notes to friends telling them how special they were. The cool thing is that people would actually write back. Wow, yeah. In the same, you know, in this time of texting and social media, I find that quite a treasure. I always I also have a lot of these treasured notes she wrote me, and they're just pretty special. And she loved to write and doodle, and we talked about writing a book many times. I'd like to share one of her quotes if I could. Absolutely. Yeah, this was back in 2017, so it's usually about 17 years old. Remember to always stay true to you and always honor yourself. Never make yourself smaller for anyone. You are enough just as you are enough on your hardest days, face full of acne, belly roll showing, moody and brilliant, tears rolling. You are enough. Please choose to love yourself because there's no one else quite like you. And that was Allie, you know.
SPEAKER_00:I loved that in a world full of artificialities, she found a way at a very young age to be her most authentic self.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, she was people would just say she was just Allie. She had her own style, she had her swag, and yeah, she was she's pretty cool. She was always reminding people to love themselves as they are.
SPEAKER_00:That's wonderful. Yeah. Is there a memory of her that you hold especially close? One that makes you smile every time you think of it.
SPEAKER_02:You know, of course, I have a lot of memories, but I do hold close, you know, just those simple times. Um, like at one was at the beach, one of my happiest places, you know, we live by Lake Michigan, and she loved rock hunting. Well, I loved rock hunting, and I think I would drag her along. She started liking it too. And she had a credible knack for finding the best beach glass. It's not easy to find here. And she'd find the pale blue ones where like we're all in awe, like, how'd you find that? And we had this special place, a nature preserve, where we walked down along a river to get to this expansive remote beach. It was our place of tranquility and peace. And we stopped at the local farm to get snacks and drinks and bring it with us and just enjoy each other's company. And you know, those memories always make me smile. But, you know, after she passed, we'll get into that. But a month ago, my son Lucas and I went there and I heard a cardinal singing. And I'm it's kind of our little sign for Allie. And I said, Hey, Luke, let's let's go spread some of our ashes. And um, we did, and I said out loud, I bet we're gonna find a piece of beach glass and write that in there. I looked down and there it was the most perfect heart-shaped piece of glass, right at my feet. I mean, we've been walking that beach for hours, and it appeared at the right exact moment. And that was Allie, you know, always finding ways to show up, remind me, she's still with us. She reminds me how beautiful life can unfold in unexpected ways if we're just open to seeing the blessings. I always hold those moments really close to my heart.
SPEAKER_00:Losing a child is something no parent should have to face. What helped you keep going in those earliest, darkest days?
SPEAKER_02:Um, yeah, that's you're right. And I know a lot of these parents, and my heart goes out to all of them. But before I answer this, and this might be kind of a long and complicated answer, and I apologize up front, but I feel I need to share a little bit about Allie's story because it helps explain the journey we're on and why am I even having these darkest days, right? So when Allie was 23, she had no history of mental health issues. She was living her fullest life, skiing, working, surrounded by friends at Big Sky. April of 2023, she went into what we later learned was a manic episode. Uh, no warning signs, really, that we knew of at the time. You know, and yeah, and at the time, like I said, I didn't even know what mania was. I just remember she called her grandpa out of the blue and told her, I'm getting married in two weeks. And I'm like, what? Wait, I was I was kind of mad that she wouldn't call me first. I did, you know, I'm like, Well, we're best friends. I, you know, I called her right away and realized there she just wasn't making some things, were just not making sense. Her car was stuck in a snowbank, she couldn't perform simple tasks, like you know, calling a tow truck, and the story kind of spirals from there. And I won't go into all of it, but you know, mania is this heightened state with extreme changes in mood, energy, and erratic behaviors. And for Allie, it was like a switch turned on, and she wasn't the Allie we knew anymore. It was it was so scary to watch, you know. Um, we'd just seen her a month before. We were on a family ski vacation and we didn't notice anything was off. You know, looking back, there are now I can see small signs. You know, we all can do that, right? She wasn't sleeping that well. Her speech was rapid, she'd suddenly launched this community event. She was gonna launch this business spreading love and connection out to the world. She she thought she had it all figured out, you know. So I just thought, oh wow, she was excited for life, she had a new idea and she was really convincing. Never once did I would I ever been able to foresee what was to come. I mean, because we knew Allie is Allie, we never knew this was happening. And I was in Michigan at the time, so I wasn't in her presence to see the change up front until it got bad. So after we realized what was going on, we went to Big Sky to bring her home to northern Michigan. She was then hospitalized, you know, to keep her safe. Um, because she was not safe at that point. She was experiencing what we later known was psychosis, losing contact with reality and having hallucinations and delusions. And she was diagnosed with bipolar one with psychotic features. And that, you know, that first episode just changed everything. So it's a little bit of that story. And for five months after she came home, we just did everything we could. She had some hospital stays, psychiatrists. I would, I mean, I had that guy in speed dial therapy, medication, gratitude journals, morning walks every day, time in nature. Whatever I asked her to do, she was so willing. And I know a lot of people in bipolar, they're they do not have this experience. A lot of them won't even get help with their parents, you know, they just they isolate. So she was pretty sweet through it all. So I there are blessings in that, you know, and I see the blessings along the way, which sounds crazy. Like her being in a snowbank and her not going over the embankment, you know, like things like that. But after the mania came depression, and that it was just even harder. She experienced something called anhedonia, where it's the absence of feeling any joy, and she was just super numb. And that broke her heart because she wanted to feel she used to feel so fully and to not feel anything. She just wanted to feel love and connect again. And this illness can create like this negative loop pattern, and it made it impossible for her to see that it would end, you know. So that's why I share the story because if this helps one person recognize any of these signs sooner, because it's something I I don't choose to beat myself up over anymore, you know. But I but I'm human and I'm a mom. And of course, I'm like, well, shoot, if she would have been here, I would have seen it sooner, we could have got help before, you know, it went to full-blown psychosis. So I don't even know if that's even a possible thing to get it before it goes there, but you know, we all hope. So the tragedy is that she did transition by suicide in October 15, 2023. So almost in a week, so two years uh go this month, five months after her first episode. So for us, it was a very short-lived time. I'm not an expert on any of this, I don't claim to be, you know, but I I just I just know what I went through. And she we we were in the ICU with her for 13 days, and on our license, she said she was an organ donor. Well, that was checked, and of course it was because that's Allie, and all her organs and tissue were placed, and as hard as that was, it was very sacred. Uh, and um, you know, the gift of life, they were amazing, and it was her final act of giving, and she saved lives, and that's how we honored her, and it that does have a lot of meaning to us. So I feel bad, but now I'm just getting into the answer to your question. It's long, I know, but it's a complicated thing, you know.
SPEAKER_00:I I actually appreciate the details, I appreciate the generosity with which you share with us all about Allie, and you give us a chance to get to know her through your eyes and to understand her magic, her own brand of magic. So thank you for sharing so generously and balancing your joy with heartache. I don't take that lightly, so thank you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, she was she was speculated, she does not like the past us. I love it. Uh so you know, those earliest, darkest days you asked about. Um, you know, from the very first moment, I was surrounded by a lot of love. And the sheriff who came to our house to help out was a former neighbor. He knew Allie very well. He grew up with her. One of the EMTs that helped was another neighbor. She lived right next door to us. And she's like, Okay, mama, I've got you, you know, and the words still stay with me. She was right there with me. And those 13 days in the ICU, my husband Jim, my son Lucas, my sisters, my nieces, my nephews, friends, there was just a core group of us that were there every day. And they held me up when I just couldn't stand anymore. You know, I just didn't even know if I could breathe. I just kept saying, Okay, you just have this one second, just keep breathing. I mean, it just was unbearable. But the synchronicities from the start, Allie's real name is Alyssa. We never call her Alyssa. People are like, Well, who's that? I mean, if you say it. But the first night in the ICU, the two nurses on duty were named Allie and Alyssa. Wow. You can't make that stuff up. I was just like, What? The charge nurse had actually skied with Allie before. He knew her, and she he was like, he was in charge of the whole ICU. He's like, We got this, mama. So I just felt like I was held up by angels, both here on earth and beyond. And you know, that second night, I remember just curling up in the hotel room, completely shattered, shock. I was in shock, deep despair. And that next morning after my shower, I got out and I heard my guides pretty clear say, you must now honor her path. This is this, she is with us, you know, she will be okay. Trust the process. I mean, that was a significant shift for me. I realized I had a choice. I could fall into the darkness or I could honor her by walking in the light. But that does not mean I skipped the pain. I mean, it didn't go away. I just felt every ounce of it, you know. I mean, the exhaustion, the fog, the sadness. I mean, healing meant walking through it, you know, not around it. So there's no getting around it, but it made it lighter. There were little glimmers. So, you know, what helped me most was knowing I was connected to something bigger. Allie and I had always been spiritual together. My mom passed when I was 11. So I'd built this spiritual foundation long ago. And I knew my angels and my mom and my guides, and Allie was now there with me too. And, you know, like I said, I want to be honest, when you're going through something like this, those moments are really fleeting, the little sparks of hope. But, you know, I kept talking to Allie and I'd say, Allie, you know, I'm crazy, but let me be crazy. I just want to talk to you. So I kept talking to her, and it always made me feel better when I did. So I haven't stopped doing that. And eventually, you know, I had an intentional choice about how I wanted to move forward. So I joined grief groups and some a lot did not feel right or resonate with me. And then a neighbor gave me the book Signs, which led me to Suzanne Giesman, she's amazing, and the organization helping parents heal. And that's where I found my tribe. And we call ourselves Shining Light Parents because our children's light helps us rediscover our own. Helping parents heal helps me realize without a doubt that she's still right here beside me. Yeah, so a couple other things. Um, in a Reiki session, Allie came through. That was pretty early on. I had I was blessed with this Reiki session. And um said she Allie came to me and said, you know, mom, focus on how I lived, not how I died. I had 23 amazing years with you. Like, come on, wake up. You know, five months. I was sick. Why are you focusing on how I died? It was just one day. So focus on how I lived. And you know, that message became my compass. And I, you know, realized that while I couldn't control what happened, I could control what I focus on. So I choose to focus on her love, her laughter, the beauty, you know, she still brings into this world. And now that's what I do. I walk through this life with her beside me. I talk to her, I listen to her, and I try to live in a way that honors her light. Because I know without a doubt, she's still right here, just on the other side of the veil, cheering me on as we continue this work together.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. What surprised you most about grief? What did it teach you that you didn't expect?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you know, I had to really dive into grief, obviously. And grief has been one of my greatest teachers. It it has taught me self-love, compassion, and grace, not just for others, but for myself. Um, I learned that everyone carries a story, everyone has experienced loss in some way. And I used to think grief was like something to move through quickly and quietly, but I learned it's something to be honored. What surprised me most was how physical, too, it was, you know, grief lives in your body. There's exhaustion, anxiety, fog, that deep ache that just sits right on your chest sometimes. And a lot of parents they'll replay stuff over and over in their head for a long time. All this stuff is normal. Whatever is happening in your grief is normal, you know. And for me, for months, my brain just did not work the same way it did. Sometimes it still doesn't. I'll be in groups and I feel like I just can't talk. Um, I couldn't read, couldn't watch TV. So that was kind of surprising. I always loved watching TV. I thought that's pretty easy. Little things could set me off to a memory, a song, even the grocery store. Like I'd walk down the aisle and suddenly be in tears because I see the root beer olipops that we would always share on the ride home. Just going on a walk would trigger me. I remember I'd only get to the mailbox because every day we went on a walk together. She wasn't physically with me anymore. But I could feel her presence, but I just didn't want all the neighbors to think I was crazy. So I'd turn around and run away and go back home. And then when I could make it a little further, I'm like, okay, I'm making progress. And certain times of the year carry more weight, like right now. October has an energy to it. Those 13 days when she was in the ICU, we're in that time frame, right? So, me doing this podcast right now, um, I know we might be airing later, but we're in that window. And I've learned not to resist it. I let myself feel it, let it move through me and honor whatever shows up. And that can be really challenging. You know, people think you should be over it, spend two years, but we'll never get over it, and we'll talk about that later. But, you know, Allie did teach me patience during her illness and through her transition, and even now, and grief has taught me that I can hold multiple emotions at once. I can miss her deeply and still laugh, and I can feel sadness and gratitude all in the same breath. And yeah, you know, before I lost Allie, I was always really busy, always doing, always caring for others. Um, and after she passed, I realized I'd been grieving most of my life and I never recognized it because my mom died. But like I said, at 11. And for years I just pushed through. I was at super mom, I was at, you know, just doing it all, and I lived in survival mode. So that was kind of surprising when that showed up. And I can now give myself some grace, and I've learned that doing my best isn't always pushing myself, but sometimes it's resting, crying, simply breathing, and like Ellie says, that's enough. But a really crazy thing that came to me is that first year I thought I hadn't accomplished anything. I thought I had been like sitting on my couch, crying, you know, and I looked back and I took an account, and this is over two years actually, but a lot of it was in the first year. I had um become a Reiki master. I took so many spirituality classes. I traveled overseas for the first time. I became a certified grief educator with David Kessler, I became a certified kindness rocks workshop facilitator, and I started a whole nonprofit organization, surf the earth, with really no help, uh except my board members, but you know, uh I did I do all the back work, and I thought I had been home isolating this whole time, you know, and I just could see all this stuff and so many friends I had made that are now like family to me in helping parents heal. I am actually pretty proud of all that I accomplished. So that really surprised me. One day I was like sitting on the porch and I'd heard real clearly, hey mom, you're the better person because of this. I'm like, you know, that's a hard thing to say because you don't want them to be gone, you know. You don't want to be a better person because you know what I mean? Like yeah, anyway, she gave me that gift, and all you know, all I want is to have her back. And I didn't choose this pain, but I did choose how to carry it. I didn't choose to get over it. I chose to keep showing up, and even on those hard days, you know, because that's what love does, and that's what grief has taught me. Love doesn't really end, it just changes form. We still miss their physical presence every day, but it just doesn't go away.
SPEAKER_00:How have you found ways to honor Allie in your daily life?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, this is fun. Um, it is a beautiful question. Thank you. I have the sweet little dog named Big. She's not sweet all the time, but you know, we got her the day after the celebration life. It was supposed to be Allie's support dog, became mine, and I had to get up every morning to take her outside. And as a puppy, she was a puppy, and that was like every 15 minutes you had to take her out, you know. So I would get up every morning and say good morning, Allie. And then I connect with nature and I breathe in the fresh air and I feel her presence. It just that is a moment where I feel like I honor her. And in my daily Reiki practices, I take a moment of gratitude and we learn that discipline together. So it makes me feel connected to her. She wrote me this little note that's taped on my mirror right now, and I read it every morning. Her words of gratitude for me, she reminds me like who I am through her eyes, like how much she loved me. She thinks I'm an amazing cook. Uh, how beautiful I am, and it just sets the intention for the day. And I do see her signs everywhere. She's always sending me fun little love notes, I like to call them, and like an unexpected feather or a heart shape in nature. She loves to send me smiley faces. So I find those in the clouds and in all interesting places, actually. And of course, the beach class. But the biggest way we honor Allie is, you know, how I live and through the work we're doing with Surf the Earth mental health community. Every time I reach out to someone struggling, every time I speak Allie's name, every time we help another parent or a young person feel less alone, that's her light shining through me. And I help other parents through helping parents heal who are new to the grief journey or struggling. And I learn all the names of the children who have transitioned. And I feel like I honor her by honoring them and their parents and their children because they're all together. That's what we like to say. So honoring, you know, I just want to say does not mean I'm okay all the time. You know, these are still days that can be heavy, moments that come out of nowhere, but I've learned that I can hold both, like I said, I could be grieving and building something beautiful in her honor, and both can be true. So, yeah, that's how I honor her. I try to live and be my best version of myself so she could be proud. I love that so much.
SPEAKER_00:You mentioned earlier that helping parents heal has been an instrumental part of your journey. How did the idea of surf the earth mental health community come about? And what does it mean to you?
SPEAKER_02:Well, surf the earth actually began with Allie. Um, she started it as a simple Instagram Facebook page because she wanted to help people who are struggling and feel less alone. Like when she did it when she was um struggling, and it wasn't about building something big and we're not, but um, it was about connection and kindness. I remember her saying, Mom, you know, what do people do without the kind of support like I have? She was worried about those who didn't have family and friends and resources like we had. Uh, she wrote in one of her journals, I am more than my illness, but my illness is still a part of me, and it's very tricky. That realness, that was Allie. So after she transitioned, our family knew that we had to carry that vision forward, and we turned surf the earth into a nonprofit. Uh, 501c3 and to keep her message of hope and connection alive. And if you want to connect or check us out, we do have a website and Facebook and Instagram. And our mission is quite simple: it's just to build community, offer resources, help people to talk about mental health with the same openness we give physical health. You know, it's it's about shifting the focus to mental wellness, giving people tools to stay grounded, balanced, and supported. When Allie was asked about the primary objective for Surf the Earth, she emphasized connection. She had written in her journal what she thought connection was, and this is what she wrote. I want to share it with you. She loved saying this. Connection to me is different with every person I come across. Like the one bagger at the grocery store who goes above and beyond to keep my bread from getting smashed, and that one old man with a golden retriever you see on occasion, and he's always smiling and asks, How are you doing? I really love the small connection. Connections you can make with strangers by just a gesture, a simple hello. But more than that, when it comes to friendships, I want to surround myself with people who teach me new things. The simpleness of finding one really great friend that makes you a better version of yourself, but also be better for someone else. So yeah, that's why community is important. Allie understood that we need each other and that healing happens in connection. And she wanted people just to be able to talk about mental health. No shame, no silence. You know, she was pretty good at that. Compassionate conversation. So for me personally, you asked, um, surf the earth is more than an organization. It's continuing Allie's conversation and making sure her vision doesn't fade. I think she would want us to make it cool to talk about it, you know, like it's just normalized. And I was proud of her because, like I said, she wasn't shy to share with others that she what she was going through. And yeah, that made me proud. So it's my way of transforming that deepest pain of my life into something that brings hope, joy, love, and hopefully healing to others. Allie always wanted to make a difference, and now through Surf the Earth, I think she still is.
SPEAKER_00:Can you tell us about the name Surf the Earth? Why was it chosen? What does it symbolize for you and for Allie?
SPEAKER_02:Well, the name was chosen by Allie, because you know she started it. And I never really asked her directly, but here's a little interpretation. Allie loved anything involving surfing, like surfing a wave, surfing the snow when skiing is her big one and skateboarding. So when you're skiing, you're surfing, you're moving with the flow, right? With grace, navigating the natural rhythms of the mountain or the ocean. You're present, you're connected. And Allie wanted people to surf through life, to navigate those ups and downs and to find their flow, even when things get hard. And the earth, I think, represents our shared home, our shared humanity, where we're all on this journey together. And Shred the Stigma became our tagline because skiing and shredding means tearing it up on the mountain, doing it with style and confidence, swag. Allie wanted us to tear down the stigma around mental health. So surf the earth symbolizes movement, connection, authenticity, and the courage to navigate life's challenges while staying grounded in community and compassion. So when I say surf the earth, I feel her spirit in those words, kindness and bravery and connected. It's her reminder to us all. Even when life feels a little overwhelming, you can still find your balance. You can still ride the wave with love.
SPEAKER_00:What initiatives, events, or even resources do you feel most proud of so far?
SPEAKER_02:So we do have an annual event we do every year. I'm pretty proud of it. It's called Tread the Stigma. We're heading into our third year, April 11th and 12th of 2026, at Boy Mountain Resort in Michigan. We're gonna um be holding our next one. It's a free event that brings together community talking openly about mental health. And we offer mental wellness workshops, local resource tables. We do yoga, sound baths. It's just it's in a fun and relaxing environment. And we just kind of do other cool things like we do laps for Alley on the Ski Hill and Bonfire with live music and a lot of different things going on. Our bank slowem last year was kind of popular, so it just keeps evolving. And I feel like it just creates this hub where people can connect with you know real support in their own community. And one of the most powerful moments is when we all stand together and connect, literally placing our hands on each other's shoulders to show how much we're stronger when we support one another. And I think that physical demonstration of community support really captures what we're building. And another thing we're doing is we offer free bi-weekly mind-aligned meetups. And those are pretty cool. We dive into topics that matter anxiety, life transition, personal values, listening to your body, real stuff everyone's dealing with, how to navigate this being human thing, you know, reminding people we don't have to figure it out alone. And it's facilitated by Megan Krasinski. She's a master life coach, yogi and founder of Brave Speaks and Inspiring Inner Yoga. We also partner with the local college, North Central Michigan College, for their wellness Wednesdays. And so we just get together and have talks. We might breathe together. We do yoga, we do all sorts of whatever. And sometimes just depends on what groups they're and what we um choose to do. And we also have online options. So you can find all that information on my website. And we're also just now launching. I think this is kind of fun. It's the Kindness Rocks project. We'll paint rocks with messages of hope, encouragement, and mental health awareness and create a kindness garden in our community. So I'm getting excited about that. Last week we went to a local school, there was a buzz around our table. All the kids love to come and you know, paint the rock. So I just think it's important to have that connection of where they can just hang out, paint a rock, and we can have these important conversations in a natural environment. And you know, I I don't know where this is all going to head, but I am excited to see where it leads. And it's a small movement, but it has lots of heart, and I couldn't do it without my board members. And Megan has been instrumental in all of this, too.
SPEAKER_00:What do you wish people better understood about mental health and about grief?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's a big question. I wish people understood that, you know, mental health challenges are real mental conditions. You know, they're not character flaws. And, you know, they always bipolar disorder, it came on so suddenly, but it was as serious as like cancer. You know, we don't shame people for having cancer, and we shouldn't shame people for mental illness either. And more than half of those struggling never get help because of stigma. And that's why we do this work to normalize it, to make it safe for people to want to ask for help. And I'm saying now, if you're struggling, just please, you know, reach out and get some support. You deserve care. When Allie got sick, it was all consuming watching your daughter change before your eyes, it was quite terrifying. And she'd ask me stuff like, Mom, are we in the hospital right now? I'm like, No, honey, we're driving down the road, you know, or what do I need to do today? And she'd be like, Uh, you gotta brush your teeth, wash like she reverted back to this childlike innocence, full of wonder and lost in psychosis. Why I'm mentioning this is how real it is. Like it, she couldn't have done that on her own. And I sometimes feel like people miss when it's that serious, you know, they can't do it alone and they need help and support. So I think that's really important. I do want to kind of touch on that. I think the mental health system could use some improvements. Obviously, it's really hard, sometimes it takes too long to get that care you need, and that's heartbreaking for me. Families need guidance and compassion and help to get through this. Sometimes you just feel like you have the plague, you know, like your daughter's crazy. Oh, we can't talk to you because you're too weird or something. Like what you knew her, you know, a month ago and she wasn't like it's a real thing. So a person can't get out of bed. Sometimes they're not being lazy, they could be depressed, and parents sometimes can overlook these common symptoms, they just want them to change. Oh, if you just got a job, well, a lot of times they can't work. Why can't you hold down a job? Okay, if you're not holding down a job, there might be a reason they need maybe some help. And and uh, you know, some people could be lazy, you know, but you want to make sure that that's not what's happening. So suicide is now like the second leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 35. My loved ones, yeah, who pass this way, they don't they don't want to leave us, they just are trying to get away from the pain, you know. This illness distorts your thinking. Like if your kids are turning to drugs and alcohol and they're addicted or call them addicts. Well, there's probably a reason. They're trying to self-medicate. All of that deserves love and compassion. And I know sometimes they make it really hard to help and they won't take the help. And I get that, and that can be really hard too. At the same time, I think we sometimes use the word depression too casually. Sometimes we're not clinically depressed. We could be sad, exhausted, burned out. That's part of being human, but your depression isn't something that people can snap out of. It takes real help, treatment, maybe medication and some support. Even in my deepest grief, I didn't know that level of pain. And I kept thinking about that. There's such a stigma around suicide. You know, we chose to include it in Allie's obituary because we wanted to be honest and help break that silence. And too often families hide how their loved ones passed because they're afraid of that judgment, but there is no shame in how anyone died. You know, the only shame is that our society still makes people feel like they have to hide it. And I've met a lot of moms and families who not only carry the pain of their loss, but also the weight of that stigma, and that's heartbreaking. And grief is already heavy enough. And to add shame on top of it, it just feels cruel in a in its own quiet way. And families just deserve compassion, not judgment. I mean, we didn't get a lot of casseroles, you know, we didn't get a lot of people showing up because people are scared of it. Um, so that's why I say the word as much as I can. I'll never forget those who did show up and who weren't afraid to say the word and who sat with us in the hard stuff. And that's what families need, that same compassion as any other illness. So I'll get off that soapbox. But um, you know, and Allie's story is an extreme case. I gotta say this real quick. And it's not everyone's story. I have heard so many people who are living good lives and managing their disease. We could not get her to stable. We tried everything, so many drug trials and so many everything. But there's also a difference between mental illness and mental health, and our focus is on one wellness, learning tools to live fuller, more joy-filled lives. And many people can get better with love, therapy, community, and care. So there is hope. You know, Allie's was just an extreme case, and I understand that, and I hope others do too. Well, you asked me about grief. You still want to hear about that? Sure. When it comes to grief, I wish people knew it's just not linear. There's no timeline and there's no getting over it, and stop rushing yourself or others through the process. You know, we're just gonna be in it. And David Kessler, who I've studied with, says every person's grief needs to be witnessed. I could probably stop there, but I'll keep going. Your only job is to feel your feelings honestly. The worst loss is always your own. And it's okay if grief makes others uncomfortable. I'll say that almost again. It's okay if your grief makes others uncomfortable. I've learned to stop apologizing for mine. When someone asks how you're doing, I'm like, Yeah, you know, I'm not, I'm doing pretty good today. Yeah, maybe not so good. Um, and we got to learn to just honor where we're at. We sort of need to educate society on grief and how to show up for us. And grief isn't something, like I said, you move past, you you lean into it, you carry it, and over time you grow around it and you move forward, but you bring your loved one with you. And you know, I don't like I said before, you know, grief lives in your body. You already talked about that, like all the heaviness. It's know that it's normal to not be able to think straight, and all the waves that move, you know, through you. It's just those anniversaries that feel heavy, it's physical, your body remembers, and that's why we have to make space to release it to let those waves move through instead of holding them in. You can't heal without feeling it, you just can't, and you have to release it. And maybe the most important thing is the power of listening. You don't need perfect words. I hear you. I'm sorry. Tell me about your loved one. Those words mean everything. You don't have to say they're in a better place. Oh, at least you have another child. That's something we hear. I mean, yeah, we're blessed that we still have another child. It scares people. I think people don't know what to say. And all you don't really have to say anything, but I'm here for you. And that's what I wish people understood that mental health and grief both need compassion and patience and presence.
SPEAKER_00:If Allie were here today, what do you think she'd want people who are struggling to know?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think Allie would want people to know you are not alone. You are loved. You are enough just as you are.
SPEAKER_02:She would tell you that asking for help is brave, it is not weak. We would uh I think she would tell you that mental health struggles don't define you. She says this a lot. She would remind you that even in your darkest moments, there is light, even if you can't see it right now. Try a gratitude journal. So she would write, we made I made her write these gratitude journals. And obviously, they didn't help with the final outcome if we were to look at it. But on a soul plan, I mean, I have all these beautiful things she was grateful for in days that I didn't think she could find any gratitude. So she did say the gratitude journals do help and they do help raise your vibration. So try that. Allie would want you to know that it's okay not to be okay. I know that's cliche. I mean, I know it's said a lot, but it's okay to take up space. It's okay to ask for what you need. She would want you to find your people, the ones that, you know, really see you, hold space for you without judgment. And I think she'd want you to know to focus on the now, just this moment, just today. You don't have to have it all figured out. And an important thing, you never have to be perfect. You just have to keep going, one breath at a time. Slow down, be present, let yourself be loved. So, most of all, Allie would want you to know that your life matters, your story matters, and there are people like me, like surf the earth, like helping parents heal, who are here to walk beside you. You don't have to do this alone. You are not broken, you are human and you are so very loved.
SPEAKER_00:So, how can friends and communities best support someone who is grieving or struggling?
SPEAKER_02:I think the most powerful thing is just to show up. And we do not this was this was freeing to me. You do not have to fix anything. It's not up to you to fix us. Just do it without fixing. When someone is grieving or struggling, they don't need perfect words or solutions, they just need your presence. Someone willing to sit beside you in the pain and say you're not alone. Listen more than you talk, ask gentle questions like, How are you doing today? Or tell me about your loved one. We all love to talk about them. Either you guys don't think we do. Oh my gosh. Most of us do. I'll say I don't, I can't say all, but I know all us mamas want to. And then you don't really actually listen. Don't rush to change a subject if they cry. Tears are part of healing, it's just energy moving through the body. Small acts matter, like drop off a meal, send a text thinking of you, or invite them for a walk. Consistency is what helps most. It's those continued check-ins weeks and months later that remind people they're still cared for. For mental health struggles, treat it like any other illness. If somebody had cancer, what would you do? You maybe check on them, run errands, you go to them with chemo appointments, you know, you bend over backwards. Just make sure you just treat them like a person. I mean, be mindful of your language, avoid judgment or quick advice like just think positive. Instead, say, that sounds really hard. How can I support you right now? And if you notice someone withdrawing, reach out anyway. Don't wait for them. Often they can't. A simple message can remind them that help and love are still there. Community is everything. Healing happens when you feel safe enough to be seen as we are, broken, healing, human. When we lead with empathy instead of fear, we create a world where people won't have to suffer in silence.
SPEAKER_00:How has Allie's life and legacy shaped the way you are living today, two years later?
SPEAKER_02:She has made a significant impact on the way I live today. I see things so differently. Before Allie died, like I said, I was always doing and being productive. I was trying to prove my worth through accomplishment. And now I've learned that sometimes my best is just getting out of bed. Sometimes just asking for help. You know, that self-love right there, and learning that self-love and not allowing yourself to burn out and just to be gentle with myself. And I'm more present now. She taught me how precious life could be. I notice things now that I used to rush past, like the little glimmers on the lake and the cardinal singing in the trees. And I look for her signs and synchronicities everywhere. And I'm now willing to slow down and look for them. And it's it's it's fun. It makes life a little more magical. And I do prioritize connection over productivity. I try to listen more the way Allie did, maybe not during this podcast. I haven't been talking a lot, but she always made people feel seen, and I'm trying to do that too. But the biggest shift I've learned that our relationship didn't end when she transitioned, it just changed form. She's still teaching me. Sometimes I'll be struggling with a decision, and I hear her voice, mom, slow down, be present. She's still guiding me, still loving me from the other side. And I'm learning to love myself through her eyes and see myself the way she saw me. So I've learned that pain can transform into purpose. Surf the earth exists because of Allie's vision and my grief. I show up for other grieving parents because I know that darkness and I know we need each other to survive. That's Allie's legacy, turning love into action.
SPEAKER_00:When you think about the future, what is your deepest hope for Surf the Earth, MHC, and for other families walking a similar road?
SPEAKER_02:Oh yeah. My deepest hope is that Surf the Earth continues to grow into a safe, supportive community, like one Allie envisioned. I've watched people come to our mind aligned meetups, nervous to share, and then have those aha moments of self-realization, that power of breathing together, of being witnessed is transformative. We've seen the power of linking arms that shred the stigma and the realization that we are all stronger together than we are than standing alone. And that's what Allie wanted: real connection, honest conversation, no stigma, just people supporting people. I hope we reach more families before they're in crisis so they don't feel so alone. A place they can find resources. You know, I dream of a world where mental health can truly transform, obviously, where you know, where families are met with compassion, not confusion, where the mind, body, and soul are all treated together, where insurance covers everything, and stigma has no place in hospitals. I don't have the answers. I just feel like we could do better. For families walking this road, I hope they find their own communities, spaces like surf the earth or helping parents heal. There are so many out there, and it's important to find what truly resonates with you. And I hope they give themselves permission to heal, to rest, and to grow and to know that we're here, holding space for them every step of the way. And I also hope they discover, as I have, that our relationships with our loved ones don't end. They change form, but the connections remain. Allie's still with me, guiding Surf the Earth, showing up in signs, and reminding me to stay focused on connection. Love doesn't die, it just transforms.
SPEAKER_00:What message would you like to leave with the listeners as we wrap up this episode? Especially those who may be struggling, or those who have lost someone they love.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you know, if you're struggling with mental health right now, my heart goes out to you, first off. And I want you to know you're not broken, you're human, and what you're feeling is real. And asking for help is one of the bravest things you can do. So please reach out. You can always call or text 988. You can talk to someone you trust. Allie would want me to tell you that your life matters more than you know. There are people like us that surf the earth who are here to walk beside you. You don't have to do this alone. And if you've lost a loved one, I see you. I know that suffocating weight. I know the fog, the exhaustion, the way the world expects you to be okay when you're barely breathing. There's no right way to grieve and no timeline. And some days you'll surprise yourself with what you accomplish, and other days, just getting out of bed is the accomplishment. And both are okay. You find your people, the ones who let you say your loved ones' name, who don't try to fix you, who just sit with you in the hard stuff. Let them show up. Communities like Surf the Earth and Helping Parents Heal exist because we know how lonely this road can be, and we're here. Here's what I want you to hold on to. Even in your darkest moments, there is light. I couldn't see it at first, but Allie taught me, even from the other side, that we get to choose how we carry this. The pain will always be there, but so will the love. And that love will become something beautiful if you let it. Allie started surf the earth because she believed no one should feel alone in their struggle. That's her gift to all of us. If you're curious about what we're building in her honor, come find us at surfthearthmhc.com and we'd love to have you. You matter, your story matters, and I'm sending you so much love wherever you are in your journey.
SPEAKER_00:Tammy, thank you so much for sharing Allie with us today, for letting us have a glimpse of her light, her story, and the movement born out of her memory. Surf the Earth Mental Health Community is truly a testament to the fact that even in the deepest, darkest pain, love can still create ripples of hope, as you have demonstrated. For anyone listening who is struggling, as Tammy said, please know that you are not alone. Help is available and you matter. Your life matters. You can connect with Surf to Earth MHC through their website, events and resources. And most importantly, let's remember that Allie's story reminds us all to live authentically, to live deeply, and never underestimate the healing power of community. Tammy, thank you so much for joining us today.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you so much for having me. I'm completely honored and a little bit uh tear struck.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for spending time with me today. If you enjoyed this content, please make sure you subscribe to this podcast and leave a quick review to help us share the message.