Roots And Resilience; What Two Decades Taught Us About Love, Work, And Grace

We share nineteen years of marriage lessons shaped by ice storms, farm stress, career upheaval, and raising teens, and how self-work, affection, and grace created deeper roots. The theme is simple: ditch the 50-50 myth, own your capacity, and practice repair in real time.

• Iowa Beef Expo recap and family moments
• Anniversary ice storm wedding story and resilience
• Letting go of projections and false expectations
• Self-love as the base for giving love
• Clear venting vs fixing and consent to unload
• Affection as daily practice in front of kids
• 100% mindset over 50-50 scorekeeping
• Energy management, burnout, and seasons
• Growing through trauma and building family roots
• Modeling imperfect love and repair for children
• Practical advice for timing, language, and grace

If there's something that you would like to ask us or have an idea for a podcast, we'd love to hear from you at farmersgreatass asset at gmail.com
Look us up on all the socials at farmersgreat assassin

Transcript

Welcome Back And Beef Expo Recap

SPEAKER_00 0:17

The Farmer's Greatest Asset Podcast. We believe the Farmers Greatest Asset is the Farmer. Their knowledge, experience, mind, and health.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Well, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Jesse.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

And I'm Dr. Leah.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

We maybe missed a week, but that's okay. We're back.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

It's all perfect timing, honey.

Anniversary Ice Storm Story

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. From whenever and wherever you are, welcome to the podcast. We did go to the Iowa Beef Expo, and it turned out to be a cold, snowy, icy one.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

It did. Were we surprised?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Not a bit.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

No. It was 60 degrees the week before. Actually, Lucy and I came up after you all went up that morning on Thursday, and we left here, and it was like it was 56 degrees. And I had sandals on, and I was getting warm loading the truck. And by the time we got up there, it was not 60, almost 60 degrees. It was freezing cold with icy snow, whatever weather. Creeping along the road slowly because the roads weren't clear.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Welcome to the Iowa Beef Expo.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:02

I don't care what the weather does Monday because come Thursday, it's probably gonna be cold. But we had fun, enjoyed it. Yeah. Henry enjoyed it. So Henry, we made it home. He did, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

So it was good.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

It's his element.

SPEAKER_02 2:21

It is. He enjoys it. He enjoys it.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

So we have returned and all is good. So happy anniversary today.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Happy anniversary to you.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

As we are recording this.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

Nineteen years.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Married. 19 years.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

Together, 20, a little over 20 years.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

19 years ago, we were watching the weather and we thought it's going to be a beautiful weekend. And we had an ice storm.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Yes, we did. It was predicted to be 56 or 52, like in the low 50s that morning. We thought, oh my goodness, we're going to have such a beautiful wedding day.

Mindset Shifts And Self-Work

SPEAKER_01 3:05

End of February wedding, 55 degree day.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Because we get those.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

And not that day.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

No. No. It was actually worse than the Iowa State Fair or Iowa Beef Expo.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Ice storm. A lot of people out of power. Like since then, I don't remember an ice storm that bad.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

No, nothing.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Knocking power out anyway. And that storm prompted a lot of people to put home generators in.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

Yeah, they were without power because we left and went on our honeymoon. They were without power power in the area like five to seven days.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

It was a little insane. It was we had no electricity at our wedding reception. Thank God for large families and uh an uncle with a generator and an uncle with um fuel.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Gas cans.

unknown 4:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yeah. And we still had a party with no power at the wedding reception.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Yes, we did. And it was a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Sitting in a church, the lights flickered. We looked at each other. Went to a bar afterwards in town, and they had no power. And you looked at me, you're like, well, what if they don't have power at the reception? It was actually at a new hotel. I'm like, ah, they'll have a generator.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Yeah. And we got greeted at the door by the event planner for the hotel.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

And with a flashlight.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

Don't worry, we have food. I was like, I don't care about the food. I care about the dancing. I went to dance at my reception and it happened.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

So you had done all the centerpieces, and they were multiple candles at each table. So everybody had a candlelit dinner. And that was your grandma's comment.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

Yeah. My grandma dinning.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

She said that was the first candlelit dinner she'd ever had. So and we still had a party.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

We did. It was a wonderful day. And it, you know, that day, even before leading up to it, with everything that goes on with wedding preparation, I just kept in my mind, as long as I'm there and he's there and the priest is there and we get married, I don't care about the rest of it. I mean, I did care.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

A couple witnesses might be good to sign the paperwork.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

Right. And that was the important thing. And then we wanted to have fun with our guests.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Something about rain on your wedding day. What is it about ice storms on your wedding day?

SPEAKER_02 5:54

Well, it means good luck. I'm just putting that out there.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Extra good luck.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

And hard work and determination.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

For sure.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Yeah. 19 years.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

We've made it thus far.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

We've weathered a lot of storms, that is for sure. So I thought it fitting that we talk about some of the big things we've learned in our 19 years of marriage and 20 years together.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

We're still trying to learn.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Yes. Good point. Good point.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

So yeah. What have you learned?

SPEAKER_02 6:39

One of the big things that I have learned is that the biggest limitations that I have in our relationship, I want to point a finger at you, but I'm actually limiting myself. And the expectations that I feel like are put on me by you are actually the expectations that I'm putting on myself. And just using you as an excuse. It is really when you start working on yourself and realizing what you are holding back, then you realize what you're holding back from your relationship.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Marriage is all psychology.

Affection, Boundaries, And Emotional Loads

SPEAKER_02 7:28

It's a lot about learning who you are. Right. And how you can better improve yourself to improve your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

To that point, I have learned that to feel love and affection, you have to show it and give it back. But also have to love and feel affection for yourself first.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

You cannot truly give yourself in a loving manner if you do not first love yourself.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Right.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

We have done a lot of work to begin caring and loving for ourselves. And I think we're still both fairly new on that journey.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

Sure. But if you feel like the affection isn't there or the love, you probably first need to look inward. And are you are you showing it to your partner?

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Kindness and support. You know, the first person when I get frustrated or bitter or upset about something, I usually direct it at you and the kids, but really at you stepping back and realizing I need to show kindness to my spouse.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

For me, you are my I don't want to say crouch, but the person I turn to for me to bitch about something or someone or and that weighs on you.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

So and vice versa.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

And vice versa. So I learn I'm learning to try to not. I think when I do that, you feel like I'm taking it out on you, and I'm frustrated, and you're taking on that frustration, and that's not how it's meant to be. It's that I just need someone to unload on, and that ends up being you. And I'm well, I'm trying to deal with my emotions and reactions, and before I do talk to you, because I'm a person that needs to talk it out and get it off my chest.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

So I think that behind that as well, I have to realize my traumas and how you're presenting information to me. It is meant as a expression of your frustration, not a you coming down on me.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Or I'm not asking for you to help me fix it or fix me. I just need someone to unload on. And a lot of times that weighs on you and our marriage, probably.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

So and we probably could preempt that for both of us because I'm the same way. Like I just need by by stating, I just need to get this out.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

I don't need any feedback from it. I just need someone to listen.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

We are getting better at that.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

We are. We're trying. It is always a work in progress, right?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

And marriage is a work in progress.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

You need to continually work on it and show affection both ways to yourself and your spouse.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

And forgiveness.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Right. So it's uh it's a game of 100%, because nobody has a hundred percent all of the time. Right? So some days I might have only 20% to give, and you pick up the slack. Or vice versa. Some days we might both might only have 20%.

Ditching 50-50 For 100% Mindset

SPEAKER_02 11:18

And you just gotta give the other person space and time and love and grace. It is definitely not 50-50. No. You know, growing up, how many times did you hear? Especially, I think that that's part of of what was put out there at the time. Like marriage should be 50-50, and and that is never going to be like because someone always has to rise. Otherwise, then expectations are are set that can never be achieved. Right. And really, I think it's each person giving a hundred percent either to themselves or to the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

Right.

SPEAKER_02 12:06

Because when you only have 20% to give to somebody else, it's because you need that other 80% yourself.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Right.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

And that's the missing piece I think a lot of us fall into. Thinking that we have to give, especially as women, I don't know if you feel this way as a man, but feeling like we have to give everything to everyone else all of the time, that limiting belief keeps women exhausted.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

Well, that's in your personality as well. And it right. Sometimes you need to reserve some of that for yourself because it just drains you.

SPEAKER_02 12:47

But and you can't do everything all of the time.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Right.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

So I was recently in a group of mostly 30, like late 20 to mid-30 year olds. And I realized how much of how much more energy I had at that point. And I don't know if it is now I am seeing how much more rest I need, or if I actually had more energy then. I don't know. I think a lot of it is I'm preserving my energy more for myself and more for my kids. Whereas back in my 30s, I really put so much of myself into everyone else during the day.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

You were doctoring too, so that was you put a lot of your heart and soul and energy into your day as a doctor. And I had So unbeknownst to me, I didn't realize you had none left when you come home. So obviously, we've had our moments because of that. And I same with me. I give everything during the day, and you come home and you're exhausted and you just need to veg or something to try to regain that energy.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Yeah. We are definitely figuring it out, but I can say through all that we have gone through, you know, with the trauma from my medical practice and litigation and leaving medicine to your injury and recovery process, it has been a lot to go through. But I can honestly say that although I would never want to live through any of it again, it has made our relationship so strong.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

There's been a lot of growth moments, and everything happens for a reason. We talk about that all the time. You need to see those as moments to learn from, to grow from. And we've had a lot of them.

SPEAKER_02 15:12

Yeah. It's been a wonderful journey so far.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

Sometimes we don't have to jump in the deep end, though. Uh that's just us though.

Energy, Burnout, And Seasons Of Life

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Well, I think that we like new things. Like we need like to try different things. We're both experimenters in our own ways. And we can't hold ourselves back for fear of it not working. Because we have proven so many times to ourselves like we can get through it. Right. We have gotten through so much. It is really great to lean on your spouse. And that leaning on each other provides more roots to the tree that you're building in your family. And it it's really the true definition of two people coming together to be one. So if you see yourselves as two separate trees that inter begin intertwining, think of that root system for your family tree. And that is the beauty of growth together and what we are the example we are trying to be for our children, for them to build healthy relationships. And we've heard our kids say it.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

I was just gonna say, we have actually heard them say that they can see that that we love each other, and that makes my heart full.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Very much so.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

That they can see that.

SPEAKER_02 16:49

So because I don't want them to look at our marriage as being some idealism that they're striving for.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

We are not perfect by any means.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

No, and I think it's in the But it's thriving through those moments. Yeah, and it's in that showing them we are not perfect, we are figuring this out, we are growing through it, we are failing and learning that makes them feel like they can fail and learn as well.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

What do you and I both say to the kids all the time? It's our first time being parents and raising an 18-year-old or 17 or 14-year-old or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

It's also, you know, the first time we've been married.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

First in 18 years, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Right? We are just figuring it all out together.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

And growing together and learning more about ourselves. So the biggest piece of advice that I have to others out there who are trying to grow their relationship in their marriage is figure out who you are and who you want to be. Because when you are the more true version of yourself, you will only flourish in your relationships with every other human being, but especially with your spouse.

Weathering Trauma And Growing Roots

SPEAKER_01 18:12

And I would say, as a man, a lot of times we struggle showing affection. It's okay to show that affection, especially in front of your kids. Farming is stressful and it's hard work, and you come home, try not to take it out on your spouse because, like I was saying earlier, you just need somebody to unload on. I need to realize that some days you can't handle me unloading. But uh, it's okay to show affection. It's okay to break down in front of your kids and your wife, and but realize where the other person is at. And you need to work at it every day. Whether you're married for five years or fifty years, it's a two-way street. Some days you need to help your spouse, and some days they need to help you.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

Grow together. Realize too that as you grow, your spouse may not be growing at the same rate. Right. But give them grace to take that time for them to grow themselves. And the better, the more that you better you, the more you will better everyone around you. It's the ripple effect, the butterfly effect. I love you.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

I love you.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

Happy anniversary.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

19 years. Many more to come.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Yes. So if there's something that you would like to ask us or have an idea for a podcast, we'd love to hear from you at farmersgreatass asset at gmail.com. Look us up on all the socials at farmersgreat assassin.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

And remember, it's a good day.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Bye.