Twisted Sleep Stories

Ep5: Introductory English for American Speakers (Extended Cut)

• Donald McSnooze • Season 1 • Episode 5

Share episode

As Episode 4 but contains new lessons 6 and 7 with some ruder words!

Are you American? But always yearned to speak properly?

Then this course is for you! Presented as a sleep hypnosis, perfect for listening on your overnight flight to the United Kingdom. These lessons will allow you to integrate perfectly with British people upon your arrival.

Simply lie back, relax. And let the correct words, seep into you...........

Send feedback on stories, suggestions welcome

Please subscribe to our YouTube channel @TwistedSleepStories. And use the comments to send story feedback, we're starting out so every follow helps! Thanks for the support. Donald. 

Hello my name’s Donald, and I’ll be guiding you through tonight’s educational sleep hypnosis. Please be warned it contains some swearing, but nothing too hardcore. The worst word we say is ‘wanker’, there that wasn’t too bad was it?

Now, please relax. Let’s imagine we’re round a campfire, in a magical land, where you’re perfectly safe. You lie down under the stars, and listen; As I begin; “Introductory English for American Speakers, Part One, of twelve hundred.”. Lesson One. Optional translations. Words like ‘Cell Phone’, or ‘Sneakers’, are perfectly well understood. And you may continue to speak American, throughout your stay. However, nothing will delight your hosts more, than using English, where you are able. We’ll begin with words you may optionally use for clarity. In each case the correct word should be said naturally, without additional emphasis. 

Say ‘Rubbish’, not ‘garbage’. Say ‘bin’, not ‘trash’. Instead of ‘pants’, say ‘trousers’. Instead of ‘sweater’, say ‘Jumper’. “These trousers are ready for the bin”. Rubbish, bin, jumper, trousers.

‘Sneakers’ becomes ‘trainers’. ‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’. ‘Cell phone’ becomes ‘mobile’. “I’m going to buy trainers” “I’ll get them, at the shops”. ‘Stores’ becomes ‘shops’. Remember all these translations are optional, so please relax. 

Let’s listen to your first British conversation; “Mike, please take out the rubbish, I’m going to the shops”. “Certainly Elizabeth. You better check if it’s cold, you might need a jumper. And waterproof trousers, if it’s bucketing with rain”. “No Mike, if it’s bucketing, I better take my brolly”. ‘Umbrella’ becomes ‘brolly’. ‘Shopping cart’ becomes ‘trolley’, ‘baseball’ becomes ‘cricket’. Just say the word naturally; mobile, rubbish, bin, cricket, trolley. ‘Large trucks on the freeway’ become ‘lorries, on the motorway’. ‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’, ‘freeway’ becomes ‘motorway’.

Lesson two. Rules of pronunciation. The first rule is simple: never say the word ‘quid’. Under no circumstances, should you attempt to say the word: ‘quid’. This word is the same as ‘bucks’, in American. Now imagine me buying coffee in America; “Here’s your four bucks. How much is that donut - did I read three bucks?” I’m sure you’ll agree ; it’s heinous. You may hear locals use this word in front of you. This should not be taken, as an invitation, to use it yourself. Never say the word ‘quid’. 

Let’s listen to another British conversation. “Sarita, are you going to watch the cricket?” “Yes, we’re leaving in twenty minutes” “You best take a brolly, rain is forecast”. This is a phrase you’ll want to remember: “Rain is forecast”. Rain. Is forecast. “I must remember my brolly” “Why?” “Because rain is forecast”.

‘Sweater’ becomes ‘jumper’, ‘pants’ become ‘trousers’, “Baseball can be taken out, to the bin”. Never say the word ‘quid’. It will sound ‘heinous’. ‘Heinous’ starts with the letter ‘h’, as do around ten thousand words, in the English language. Hotel, heresy, horticulture and hacked, to name but a few. And in every single case, we say the starting ‘h’. This is due to the second rule of English pronunciation: “don’t be French”. 

These rules are important because in England, in particular, should you accidentally refer to an ‘otel, or an ‘erb; you will be sent to the nearest patisserie. Where you’ll be expected to book passage immediately, to your native France. The Scottish have a much more favourable opinion of the French, but will still expect you to pronounce the starting ‘h’. Not doing so will, at best, mark you out as a ‘fop’ or ‘dandy’. 

At worst, you may be labelled a ‘wanker’. And flagged on the app: Wanker-map. Which locals use to track wankers. If that happens, no one will talk to you except on a formal, minimal basis. And as soon as your back is turned, they’ll update your location. On Wanker-map.

Let’s listen again to some native English speakers: “Have you a herb Harry?” “I’m horrified to say I haven’t.”Well Harry, harvested herbs help build a healthy diet.” 

The second rule: “don’t pronounce like the French” is broken for just two words. These two are known as the ‘exemption’ words. The first is beloved in my native Scotland it’s: ‘clique’ - c-l-i-q-u-e, meaning a close-knit group not generally welcoming to outsiders. The second is ‘niche’, n-i-c-h-e as in a “niche market” meaning a specific group of customers with particular needs’. Clique, niche. The same in Scottish, English and French. To mispronounce them, would be ‘heinous’. 

Now please relax, soothe yourself. Because we’re going to talk place-names, and these can be particularly stressful, for visitors. So breathe in deeply, and let me explain. At first sight; towns such as Leicester, spelled L-e-i-c-e-s-t-e-r, pronounced ‘Lester’. Or Towcester, spelled T-o-w-c-e-t-z-r, can seem intimidating. But there’s a simple way to remember; it’s: stop whining, and just remember. Lester, Tow-stuh. Just. Remember.

‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’. ‘trash’ becomes ‘bin’. “My lorry is stuck in snow, I must get my jumper”. Leicester, cricket, hotel, trolley. Now follows Test number One. Please relax, there’s no pressure to get these right. Just listen again and again, like the video on YouTube, follow and download on Apple and Spotify, and the information will seep in naturally. By your millionth listen, you will pass.  

Question one: which of these are correct English words; bin, sweater, tiger, baseball and quid. Of course it’s bin and tiger only. And one more, that you are not allowed to say, even in your head. Never say the word ‘quid’.  Question Two; how do you spell Leicester? As in the  town of Leicester. That’s right it’s: L-e-i-c-z-c-z.  Question Three: Which of these three words is a word in both French and English a) Restaurant, b) ‘erbe or c) gibbon. In fact it was a trick question. Both Restaurant, and gibbon, are the same in both languages. Although naturally the pronunciations differ, as these are not the exemption words. If you chose answer b) ‘erbe, then ‘Bonjour, j'espère que vous passez de bonnes vacances en France.

Lesson Three: Visiting the Shops. We’re going to the supermarket, to buy lunch. First we’ll collect our trolley, then head to the fresh fruits and vegetables. Where you’ll find ‘courgette’ and ‘aubergine’, instead of ‘zucchini’ and ‘eggplant’.Next we come to the  freshly harvested herbs. There’s ‘Coriander’ instead of ‘Cilantro’, ‘Rocket’ instead of ‘Arugula’ and ‘Basil’ instead of ‘Bay-sil’. 

You probably want to grab ingredients for a ‘sarnie’ or ‘sandwich’. Along with some ‘crisps’ to snack on. ‘Chips’ become ‘crisps’.You might want to follow with a chocolate bar or other sweets. ‘Candy’ becomes ‘sweets’. For your cup of tea later in the afternoon, you buy some ‘biscuits’. ‘Cookie’ becomes ‘biscuit’, with ‘Cookie’ also a word in English, meaning a specific kind of biscuit, associated with America. Relax, there’s no confusion. Breathe in with me. Now, everything you thought was a ’biscuit’, can be forgotten, breathe out. ‘Cookie’ becomes ‘biscuit’, but encompasses far more, than you will ever understand. 

You’re finished at the supermarket, so you reach the check-out. “That’ll be fifty quid, madam”. Never say the word ‘quid’. You pay, then pack your shopping bags in the boot of your car. ‘Trunk’ becomes ‘boot’. Before you can go home, you must fill your car with petrol. ‘Gasoline’ is ‘petrol’. You ask; “How much will a full tank of petrol cost?”. “That’ll be eighty quid madam”. Never say the word ‘quid’. 

‘Chips’ becomes ‘crisps’, ning(noise) becomes ‘Basil’, ‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’. “Rain, is forecast”

Test Number Two. Question: basil, coriander, parsley, mint and sage are all examples of what? Go on, say it with me and break through to a land of calm, peaceful waters. They are all Herbs. mmm- don’t you feel better? Herbs. 

Lesson Four: mandatory translations. There are a few words where failing to translate may have unexpected, or even, tragic, consequences. 

“Fanny”, means vagina. It has no other meaning. It’s slang exactly akin to it’s sister word, inherited from the American; ‘pussy’. For American women in particular, care must be taken, when referring to your posterior. 

Butt, bottom, ass and the British-ism “Arse” - are all acceptable, with varying levels of formality. Glutes is of course medical, and therefore fine. Once again; “Fanny”, means vagina. It has no other meaning. When used as insults; a “Pussy” is typically someone who is regarded as weak in the face of a challenge. Whereas ‘fanny’ is used more broadly, and is therefore closer in usage, to “wanker”. 

Differentiating a fanny from a wanker, can be hours of fun. And this is how the British, spend much of their day. You’ll find acts of stupidity, or extravagance, tend to lead to the insult ‘fanny’. Whereas more aggressive acts of obnoxiousness belong to “wankers”. Do feel free to experiment, but note all are considered swear words in the United Kingdom, and therefore should not be used in formal settings, such as passport control or a court room.

“Faucet” means nothing in English, and not even a plumber will understand you. The English word; is ‘tap’. In an emergency, it’s essential you understand that saying “I can’t turn off the faucet! The Faucet in my hotel room is stuck, it won’t turn off”. No one will understand you, and lives could be lost. “The tap in my room will not turn off, it’s going to cause flooding”. Using the word ‘tap’, will get you the help you need. Always say ‘tap’, never say ‘quid’. Recently harvested herbs help healthy people stay healthy.

“Bangs” is gibberish. In English we say ‘fringe’. But we’ve learned, much of the American usage does not translate, even with the correct word. Therefore it’s recommended you shut up entirely, about people’s haircuts, during your trip. “Have you seen Taylor Swift’s ‘bangs’?” you might be tempted to say. But don’t take offense if you’re met with a friendly. “No, don’t talk rubbish, you sound like a fanny”.

Now follows Test number three. Consider the following scenario. You’ve been up all night because of a ghost in your hotel room. It’s gotten into the plumbing, and now water is flooding the bath and the sink with no way to turn it off. When you call the Front Desk, what should you say to get you the help you need? a) the taps in my room won’t turn off, I think a ghost has locked the taps on, I can’t turn them off! , b) The faucet is stuck, all the faucets are stuck, it’s not safe up here with these faucets the way they are right now, or ‘c)’ There’s a ghost-related water issue, please fetch me a brolly. It is of course a). Saying ‘tap’ saves lives. 

‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’, ‘Cilantro’ becomes ‘Coriander’, “I’m wearing my trousers, on the Tube”. ‘Tube’ means ‘subway’ in London. 

Lesson Five, words to achieve fluency. Most of the following words have no exact translation in American, but many are simple to incorporate into your daily routine. 

‘Kip’ means ‘sleep’. Both as a verb; “I’m going to kip for an hour”. Or as a noun “I just had a nice kip”. Typically used to indicate a nap, it’s also common to describe having had a “good night’s kip”. ‘Kip’ means ‘sleep’. ‘Knackered’ means extremely tired. ‘Guv’nor’ means ‘boss’, but is generally a slang term. Unless you’re a criminal, or in construction. 

‘Menu’ means a list of items a restaurant, or other eatery, has prepared for sale. It’s the same as the American, except in English it never means ‘starting point from which to waste everyone’s time, pontificating about dishes you ‘wonder’ could be prepared.” Those dishes, are not available, and no one, will be checking with the kitchen. ‘Menu’; the list of items, an eatery has prepared for sale.

Lesson Six - Romance. ‘Snog’ means ‘a kiss’, or ‘to kiss’. But passionately. An isolated, single kiss, would rarely be classified as a ‘snog’. Unless perhaps in circumstances where sex was only prevented by outside interference. And you would never snog a relative, unless you were royalty. 

‘Shag’ is a verb meaning ‘to have sex with’. It conjugates: I shag my boyfriend, you shag your wife, we shag the butler, he shags his mistress, she shags her husband and finally they shag their best friend. With a past tense in all cases of ‘shagged’. For example “I shagged the butler”. And a simple future tense of ‘will shag’. “We will shag the police Captain”. Although here you can see context is all important just like the American word ‘screw’. Although this word is not an exact translation, so beware of using it as such.

‘Bugger’ is best used as a simple exclamation of surprise or annoyance. “I saw the weather, it’s raining for Dopinder’s wedding tomorrow”, “oh bugger!”. “bugger off” can be used as a light-hearted expression of rejection, but is generally considered old fashioned. Also do be aware the literal meaning of ‘bugger’ is to sodomise. And whilst rarely used in this context, care must be taken.

‘Snog’, ‘Shag’ and ‘bugger’ are all informal terms, and should never be used in official circumstances, or professional communications. Telling a policeman to ‘bugger off’ could get you into serious trouble. And telling him you’re going to shag his wife, could get you arrested. 

Lesson Seven - the Golden Word. In Part One’s final lesson we’ll consider one last word, the word you’re probably most excited, about using. You’ve surely heard of this word and, unlike ‘quid’, you may use it freely. I’m talking, of course, about: ‘bollocks’. Regardless of your accent, or other use of English, this word can be your golden ticket to the British integration you so desperately crave. We’ll now cover it’s five meanings, but simply remember whichever ones you can. 

The first is simply use as a synonym for testicles. But only informally, a Doctor would never inquire after your bollocks, nor would an official form ever use the term. The second follows naturally as a general expletive. For example if you accidentally hammered your finger ; “bollocks!”. The third is akin to ‘garbage’ or ‘bad’. But when referring to information, perhaps ‘nonsense is a better translation’. “one day I’m going to be King” “Stop talking bollocks”. The fourth meaning is that when used in the phrase “dog’s bollocks”, all negative connotations are removed. Describing something as “the dog’s bollocks”, counterintuitively, means excellent or first class. 

“Did you enjoy that steak?” “It was the dog’s bollocks”. The final use, of the golden word, is not recommended, for non-native speakers. But you should be aware of it. It’s that, at the speaker’s discretion, ‘bollocks’ may be substituted for any other word in the English language. For example: “Is it raining outside?” “Oh it’s absolutely bollocks-ing it down”. Or “Did you plan to visit Buckingham palace today?” “I thought I might stop by the bollocks for a bit yes”. Clearly context is important, and discretion must be used, otherwise we’d all just talk bollocks, all the time.

Congratulations, your understanding of the King’s English is now far beyond most American speakers.  Please download Episode Five on Apple, Spotify or most podcast outlets - for a longer Part One including adult words and, the ‘golden word’. We’ll now conclude with an extended review of the words we’ve learned, interspersed with some more local British conversations. Please relax for one final time, and let the correct words, seep into you. 

‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’. ‘Pants’ become ‘Trousers’. Always say the word ‘tap’. “I’m wearing my jumper, above my trousers”. ‘Cilantro’ becomes ‘Coriander’, nung-noo(Nasal) becomes ‘Basil’. Lester, Tow-stuh, just, remember.  

‘Gas’ becomes ‘petrol’, ‘sandwich’ becomes ‘sarnie’, Herbs stay Herbs. ‘Cookie’ becomes ‘biscuit’. “are you walking in St James’ Park later?””I was looking forward to it, but rain is forecast”. “We were going to the beach. But rain. Is forecast”. 

‘Chips’ become ‘crisps’,. ‘Clique’, ‘niche’, ’cliché’. ‘Candy’ becomes ‘Sweets’. Long live King George. ‘Kip’ means sleep, ‘knackered’ means ‘extremely tired’. ‘Guv’nor’ means ‘boss’. “who is the freedom loving King George? Why he’s our Guv’nor”. ‘Pants’ becomes ‘trousers’, never say the word quid. 

Now a last test on the Golden Word. Which expression best describes this course: a) it’s the dog’s bollocks b) it’s a load of old bollocks c) it was just some wanker, talking complete bollocks or d) ‘bollocks’? It was of course d). 

We’ll close with a section on words where the American English is superior. (silence) This is Donald McSnooze signing off, you’ve reached the end of Part One. There now follows a few minutes of relaxing music. But it’s goodnight from me, wherever you are. 

‘Soccer’ becomes ‘football’. Go back, tell the others. Say: ‘Trousers’, ‘Clique’, ‘niche’. Tell the others, King George commands you. Now it’s time for you, to get some kip.