The Voices in Your Head -Kevin Forney

Full disclosure, I’m not schizo! We all have voices in our head that are positive or negative and it’s important that we choose the right ones to listen to. In my experience the last couple of years, the voice of God is not always the loudest, but is often subtle and reassuring. I’m learning if we just follow His quiet, consistent voice, He will help us to do things we never thought were possible. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to the Boots and Suits Podcast. My name is Kevin Forney, and I thank you for joining me today. I believe this is episode number eight, and I apologize I missed my launch deadline uh a couple of weeks ago, a week or so ago, and there's a lot of different reasons I could give for that, but it boils down to poor planning on my part. The week that I was supposed to have my episode up, or the episode up of this podcast, I was in uh a week of travel doing ministry, and I had taken some basic recording stuff along, and my intention was to have a uh to do a couple different recordings that week with different people, uh different guys, different conversations. And honestly, the week uh was so hectic, and I didn't I wasn't able to make any of that happen. I was uh too busy, too exhausted to do one myself. And so what I thought I would do is kind of give a recap of where I'm at at this point over the last couple of weeks, and also talk about the voices in my head that I deal with. Uh a lot of times when we hear voices in your head, we think of you know major things like people have schizophrenia or uh maybe they're bipolar or different things, and I don't know if any of that is the case. I have um no authority on any of that at all, but I have voices in my head, and the you know, a lot of times those voices sound differently. Sometimes those voices are encouraging. Excuse me, sometimes those voices are discouraging, and it seems like, you know, oftentimes the discouraging ones are the loudest. One of the things that I've realized over the last year or two is that the devil hates us. I never thought of the devil hating hating me uh before, but he he absolutely can't stand when we are following God. He hates God and he will do or say or be anything he can to discourage me. He will use good people saying stupid things, he will use bad people uh to even encourage me sometimes to you know do other things in life. And one of the things that's interesting to me, years ago, most of my years honestly, I felt like I didn't have much to offer God. I still feel that way. One of the unique things that's happened over the last couple of years is God has been able to change me, transform me, lead me, and uh he has used me to do different things in ministry, and some of those things have he's used to help or transform other people's lives. And so now the voices in my head a little bit, the voice in my head a little bit went from I have nothing to offer God to the devil will say things like, Well, you know, you actually are kind of good at this or that, and there's this that you know, you really could make a lot more money over here doing this or that. You you could take these talents or these abilities that you have or that you've are formulating, and you actually would be more effective over here. And so what he's doing is he's taking the progress that I've made and trying to turn it around against me, and wants me, wants to derail me away from ministry, he wants me to derail me uh from the path or the the set of tracks that I'm on, and he wants me to be sidetracked. And so it's these voices in our head that ultimately will make or break us if we follow them, and they're not God's voice, it's not God's voice. And so over the last couple of months, I have had a bunch of different scenarios that, you know, quite frankly, are discouraging. Um, and it is easy to allow them to stack on top of each other, and all of a sudden it seems like this huge cloud that's over me. And then I have a tendency to be discouraged and even depressed. And so I feel like, you know, this podcast was a big struggle for me to get started. And I I feel like I have no voice. I feel like I don't even want to share my opinions on things, and so that's why this podcast generally will be with another guest, a conversation-based podcast, getting to know that person, how God has led them and used them and grown them to encourage each one of us to just follow the interleading of God into the calling or the space that He has for us. I was struck with a couple things at this most recent uh week of ministry that I did. I faced a voice in my head going into my very first regional IHC. This was in Colorado Springs, and I was I I had been reached out to by brother Cassidy. He was having trouble finding somebody for that time slot, and so he ended up calling or texting me to see if I was available. So there's two different things there. Number one, um, well, the voice in my head would say, You shouldn't be gone, you're not worthy. Well, that's a given. I know both of those things are or the that that is a true statement. The second thing was once I confirmed with my wife, uh, actually, I was gonna be in on Monday, I was gonna be flying to Rapid City, South Dakota for our first Mena Rise event. And so this opportunity actually was right in front of that. So I I went to Colorado Springs, Colorado on Friday, and I preached Friday night, Saturday morning, Sunday morning, and Sunday night four times. And I ended up renting a car instead of flying. I rented a car. I needed a little bit of an unwind period uh to not be around people, to reset my heart and my mind, and so I drove it's about a seven and a half hour drive up to Rapid City, South Dakota, and then Tuesday morning early. I did that on Monday, got in there late. Uh, and then Tuesday morning started the setup process for Mentor Eyes, and it was a really phenomenal experience. That drive uh, you know, was what I needed. Um being in an airport, a couple different airports and things to get up there. I ended up saving a couple hundred dollars by doing that. Um, but uh I was it was exactly what I needed to reset my heart and my mind for that that next week of ministry. But when I got reached, when I was reached out to, you know, I I was like, you're not worthy, you shouldn't be doing this. Um imposter syndrome is a big thing for me. Imposter syndrome is never feeling enough or not having the tools that I need or the training, and I'm an I'm an imposter. This is where the term fake it till you make it comes from. Uh a lot of times we don't feel like we're enough or can get the job done or whatever for whatever it is for whatever we're asked. And so a lot of times because we feel insignificant or inferior inferior, we tend to not do things. We are a people that like to feel good. We are uh, you know, as Americans, I guess it I guess it's because we're Americans. We love to feel good. I like to feel good, so do you. I don't like to feel bad, I don't like to feel negative or discouraged, I like to be in a happy place, and so you are not alone in that, and but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't do things. One of the things that encourages me, I have a uh a picture on my phone, and this I this picture is of me preaching a year and a half ago in Seymour, Indiana. And this picture I I I'm preaching, and uh uh my I have my hand balled into a fist, and uh I'm I don't know what part of the message I was doing this, but I could I can see in my expression that I am locked in, I am so intense, and I can see that in that moment God is helping me. It's it's not even me, okay? And to give a little context, God had led me to preach at Seymour, Indiana a year and a half ago. It was the 11th time for me to ever stand behind a podium and preach. And I preached a message that he had given me six months prior, uh, laying at my sister's bedside before she passed away from a uh infection she had gotten from a sir uh a surgery due to cancer. And he had told me that I'm to preach this on Wednesday night in Seymour, Indiana, and I didn't have the faith for it. I I I I didn't have the confidence to do it, I didn't even have the want to to do it. And I told God, God, I can't do this. I can't do this, I'm not doing this, it's not possible. And so this was in March, the end of March, and I never told one person that I felt this way. We confirmed we were gonna be in as men or eyes uh confirmed we were going to go to Seymour Indiana after this. Uh that when I felt this way, it wasn't even confirmed. When we went and looked at the grounds, I knew that I was supposed to preach there in that old horse barn. And at this point, we had two, three hundred guys signed up. It was gonna be a big crowd on Wednesday night. And so in the preparing for this, in preparing for this um this this night uh or this weekend of the Menaze weekend, we struggled with the first night we filled with a speaker, uh Brother Spivey was gonna kick it off and preach. And then the second night, Wednesday night, my night, that I felt like I should preach, Frank Heidler actually preached. Uh we they felt led for him to preach, and I'm not saying anything. In the meetings, I'm not saying a word, I'm I'm letting them sort this out. I told God, God, if you want me to do this, you're gonna have to work it out, and I'm gonna I'm not doing a thing to make this happen. I have to know that this is you. This feeling, this voice in my head, I have to know. And if you, against all odds, get me into that pulpit on Wednesday night, then I know I can trust you. Okay? You probably shouldn't talk to God that way, but I needed to know beyond the shadow of a doubt this was this voice, this feeling was God. And so they actually, Brother Frank Heidler was gonna fill that Wednesday night time slot, and now they needed a closing speaker, closing night speaker for Thursday night. And they had uh four big, well-known names uh for that closing night that we were gonna pray about, that guys had said, well, maybe this guy, and four people on the list. And in the process of this all unfolding, weeks and a couple of months have passed, and I am in a bad spot. I'm thinking about this service every day, every day. I can't think I can't quit thinking about it. It is weighing so heavy on me. And as we got into the next couple of months, my wife actually asked me at one point. She's like, What is wrong with you? What you know, what is your problem? You're not yourself, you're something's bothering you. And I'm like, No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Well, one night, she one evening she pushed me fairly hard on this, and I finally said, Listen, I at Kara's bedside, I felt like God gave me a message, and I've I felt like I'm to preach this on Wednesday night, Seymour Indiana. And I said, I'm not even in the running for it. And I said, I quite frankly can't do it. There's no way you should put a guy up that's only preached 10 times. And especially at this point, registration now is like probably pushing 400 guys, and it was it was so heavy on me. And she goes, Well, if that's how you feel, just tell him. And I said, There's no way. I said, I actually prayed and told God, if he wants this to happen, he's gonna have to work it out, and I'm gonna do everything I can to block it. And if he still prevails, then I'll know I'm to do it, and then I can trust him. She goes, Oh, I I won't do that. I'm like, Well, that's fine. This is what I prayed, and that's why I'm struggling with it so bad. The very next morning we were supposed to have a a um Zoom meeting, and we were going to talk about this speaker at the end of the meeting, this closing night speaker, which again was the wrong night that I had felt, but it was the slot that was open that needed to be filled. And the next morning my phone rings. It's Jeff Stratton. He's one of the leadership team guys for Mentor Eyes, and he's like, Hey, Kevin. He goes, I know we're gonna have a well, actually, when he started to call, my wife goes, Who is that? And I said, Jeff Stratton, because that's pretty early in the morning. And she goes, What does he want? You're gonna have a Zoom meeting. I said, He's gonna ask me about that message. I knew clear, as clear as a bell, that's why he was calling me. And this is in June. So, March, the end of March, all of April, all of May, beginning of June, over two months, I've carried this. And he's like, hey, Kevin, he said, I he said, I know we're gonna have a Zoom meeting. He said, We've been I've been praying, we've all been praying about the speaker and the service, and and he's like, you know, yesterday I was driving down the road and your your name came to my mind, and he said, I was just one wanting to know if you had a burden for this, or you and I, he said, You and I had talked, had a conversation back when your sister was low, and he said, you know, you were expressing some of the burdens on your heart, and he said, I may have mentioned to you that you might have to preach this someday, and but he's like, I don't even know if you remember any of that. And I was like, Oh uh I my wife mouths to me, oh my word. And I went outside and I was like, Oh yeah, yeah, I think I remember that conversation. I said, Listen, Jeff, I said, I have a burden for mentorize, and I said, I can't do you know I can't do this. And I said, I don't even want it brought up. Uh please don't say anything. There's no way I could do this, it doesn't make sense. And he's like, Well, yeah, he goes, I I probably won't say anything. He said, I just wanted to see, you know, what you were thinking or if you had a burden for this. I said, Well, I have a burden for all of men or eyes. So we hung up, and 10-15 minutes later, we get on Zoom and we have the whole meeting, and then Brother Spivey says, Guys, we have got to make some headway on this closing night speaker. He's like, I don't know why we're struggling with this so bad. And so when he says that, my screen went blank, and I couldn't figure out what happened, and it was an amazing experience because that had never happened before, and it turned out that our modem, I went over and our internet modem was fire hot. Like I jerked the plug out of the wall, I thought it was on fire. I was I held it up, I was looking for smoke, I was it was so hot to the touch, I couldn't even hold it at first. It was unbelievable. It's never happened before or since. And I ended up sticking that modem in the freezer. My cell service was very poor at the house, especially inside, and so I couldn't get back on Zoom because of that. And I was frantic trying to figure out what was going on. And in that moment, I was like, the wheels are falling off, and I hope Jeff doesn't say anything. Long story short, after 10 minutes or so of cooling this modem off, I plug it back in, it's just blinking lights randomly, and it takes a couple minutes and it comes back on. I log back in and I can hear voices before I can even see anybody on Zoom, and I hear Jeff Stratton say, Oh, it looks like he's coming back on. Maybe he can tell us about it. And I knew he had opened his mouth, and I was like, Oh no. And so in that moment, my mind went blank. I couldn't even I couldn't have told you what the message was. If uh I, you know, I don't know, as the term goes, if you held a gun to my head, I couldn't have told you what the I was so inside the inner turmoil, everything was unraveling. And so I blubbered, muttered through, you know, this idea of a message, and and then I was like, guys, this isn't I can't do this. You guys know that. And they're like, yeah, yeah. And one guy's like, well, that might be a good message, but it's not for this. And another guy's like, yeah, I don't think this is the place for it. And I was like, hey, that's fine. Wash my hands of it. Jeff, I I told Jeff not to say anything, and and uh it's no problem. Brother Spivey said, Kevin, he said, Would you mind if we added your name to the list? And I said, Well, you can do whatever you want. I said, It's laughable that you have these four big well-known names on the list, and then at the bottom, you know, you have Kevin Forney. But whatever. That's how I came into the running for the service. Over the next couple of weeks, two of those names, previous names, were dropped. Brother Spivey and the us guys were talking, and he's like, you know, or somebody said, you know, I I think we could remove those two, and so now it's me and two other well-known guys. And at this point, I was like, man, I went from a 20%, and now I have a 33% uh chance, and I need to pray. And so I started to pray. My gut my prayer wasn't God get me out of this, but I said, God, you I know what I felt early on, and I just need you, I need to know if this is your will. And over the next couple of weeks, now we're to the July 4th weekend, and Brother Spivey had sent a text and said, guys, on Saturday morning we need to have a meeting, we need to resolve the speaker, the slot, and and so I texted him personally and I said, I feel like maybe I want to drop off of the call when we get to that portion, and whatever you guys decide, I'm okay with. Now, inside I was dying to send that because I really didn't feel okay with it. But that morning, early Saturday morning, I went to the tabernacle. We were staying at Mount of Blessings camp for the weekend. I went to the tabernacle, nobody was in there, and I prayed desperately, earnestly, and I got. Through and I had such a peace. I told God, whatever happens, whatever happens, I will trust you. Whether it's yes, you're gonna preach, no, you're not, whatever happens, I am done carrying this, and I felt so free. And we went into the meeting, had took care of our business, got to that section to figure out the speaker, and I I never told anybody what I had felt, never told one person other than my wife. I never advocated, I never, you know, did politics. I did everything I could. When they would ask me, you know, do you have a burden for this? Several times I was asked, I would just say, I have a burden for all of men or eyes, because that's true. And I said, you know, guys, you figure it out, I'll go with whatever you decide. And I signed off. 45 minutes later, brother Spivey texted me. He said, Kevin, this is taking longer than I thought it would. I'll call you later this afternoon. I said, No problem. And so when he called me later that day, I had a peace, and I genuinely thought I'm gonna be released from this. The struggle was becoming willing, the struggle was yielding to it, the struggle was giving it to God. I achieved those, I got to that place, and now I'm free of it, and I'm so excited. And he he tells me, you know, oh Kevin, you know, we've talked about your limitations, we've talked about your reservations and things, and I said, listen, I if I am fine, you don't have to let me down easy, just tell me what you decided, and it's no problem. I said, either one of those guys is gonna be fine with me. He said, Well, he said what we felt led to do was he said we felt like we should move Frank Heidler from Wednesday night to Thursday night and offer you the Wednesday night time slot. And I said, What? And he said, Is that a problem? And I said, Yeah, it is, but not for the reasons you're thinking. I said, How did you get to that? Was it unanimous? He said, Yep. I at my final fleece, I had prayed that three specific guys would feel like I was the one to do it. Three specific guys on there, and that the rest would go along with it. And I asked about those guys, one of them was Frank. And he said, Yeah, he said, I'm not sure how we got to there. And then he said, Well, he said, you know, he said, Frank. No, he said that he said, Frank, and these several guys were adamant you should do it. He said, Frank was so adamant, he said, Well, I'll give up my time slot. He can preach Wednesday night. And he said, then it clicked, like, oh, well, we'll move you to Thursday night and give him the Wednesday night time slot. And so that's how it came about for me to preach. I had to carry that from July 4th weekend all the way into September, knowing that I was gonna preach in front of possibly 500 guys and dozens of preachers. I don't know how you feel when you're faced with things like that, but for me, I now knew I could trust God, but I was scared to death. I had imposter syndrome. I had insignificance, I had all of those things just weighing me down. I tried to work I worked on the message. I I tried to pray and seek God. I would just sometimes lay across my bed and cry. You know, I don't know if that's seeking God, but that's presenting yourself and saying, God, I I I don't understand this, but you have to help me. You promised. We get to the the day of, and I was able to kind of that afternoon, um I feel robotic as a person. I can't get beyond that service. It was ruining my week, my month, my four months, um, six months. And I got to I had gone through the message several times. I had it done when I excuse me, when I got to Indiana, I had the message done. At least 95% done. And that afternoon, I felt like it was too long. I had gone through the message several times. I'm not a long preacher. Um I don't want to be a long preacher. I don't feel like I'm called to be a long preacher. Some of you are, congrats. Um, I feel like you know, I I I don't that's not something I'm pursuing to be a long preacher. I want to God to use me, and I want him to do it effectively, um, and I feel like for me to be long, I can get into the weeds on too many details, and it just it just gets too long uh for me. And so I had gone through that message, and it was anywhere from 50 49 to 53 minutes long. And so I went to I got hidden away that afternoon, and I opened my tablet and I prayed, and I said, God, I'm gonna go through this one more time, and I need whatever this message is to be, I need to know it's your message, and I need to add to or take out whatever I need, and it needs to be done. I I have some responsibilities this afternoon, and so I laid down on the bed and I went through that message and I deleted and deleted whole paragraphs, sections. Um, I I didn't know how much I deleted. I did not read back through the message when I was done. I knew it was done, and I prayed and saying, God, this is the finished product. You have to help me. You promised you would, and I'm gonna go, expecting you to fill the altars in the song service and me not to have to preach. But if I have to, I will do this for one. One person. And I didn't read through it again. Some of you that might not be what you're supposed to do. That's fine, that's what I tend to do. Um I ended up preaching the minute the message was 32 minutes long. Um that's what they told me. In the song service, God's presence settled in. We were gonna have our fundraising that evening. So I had another 20-25 minutes, you know, but God's presence settled in, and one guy came to the altar. And I had asked the guys to sing the song for the special. I found it all and I lost everything. This was Nick Ryan, Doug Ryan, and Jamison Plank sung a trio. And in the midst of this, and towards the end of the singing, Brother Spivey leaned over. A guy came to the altar, and he leaned over and said, Kevin, you're gonna preach after this. We're gonna go straight to the special song. We're gonna skip all of the offering, all of the announcements. And I said, What? And he's and and Jeff Stratton was on the other side of me, and Jeff said, What about this guy? He said, If nobody else comes, I'm gonna have some guys come and pray with him, and we're gonna go straight to the special song, and then you're gonna preach. Well, I had every the wheels started to fall off again in my head because now I lost all of that 25-minute window to sit there and process and prepare myself. And so I started praying earnestly that when they sung that song, or when they sang the song, however you say that, that the the altars would line. And it it there was such a sweet presence there, God's presence. I don't know why they didn't line. I nine out of ten times they would line. But God held things off, and I got to the podium, that guy had gotten done praying and gone back to his seat, and I I didn't know what to do. I I was so scared. I had him turn to the scripture. The passage was on God calling Moses through the burning bush after his failure, after he killed the Egyptian, was in the desert for 40 years. I know that passage very well, and I struggled to read it. Oh, I couldn't see my notes, the stress and the pressure, and everything. And uh Benji brought me a bottle of water up. He didn't know it, so they thought maybe I was going dry already. And he, you know, all of this this the voices in my head so loud. I remember saying we need to pray or bow your heads for prayer after I butchered the scripture. I jumbled up, I had to start over a couple times. It was terrible. And I'll never forget when we bowed our heads to pray, I told God, I don't know what I said out loud. My I was saying, I was praying out loud, but in my head, I told God, you promised. You promised, and I need your help now. And I'll never forget, as my hands were on each side of that podium, it felt as if somebody stepped inside of me from the back, and I became somebody different, an infusion of the Holy Spirit, like I will never get over. And I'm sitting here crying because it just was so real. And that's when I learned that it's possible to be anointed and scared to death at the same time. It is absolutely possible to have the anointing of God and be so scared that you're sick to your stomach. Because you're not doing it for you, you're doing it for him. And when you need the power, when you need the anointing, he has been faithful every time to give it. When we've done our part and we're living a sin-free life, we can trust him. And so I have this picture on my phone, and God used the message. I told Brother Spivey, I said, I don't know how to close this message, just be ready. I don't know how to do an altar call, I don't know what to say, what to do, none of that. I don't know what to do. I've preached 10 times total to the the most people I'd ever preached to was 32 people, probably. And here's 500 dozens of preachers, all of them. All of those preachers, way more uh you know, the all of them should be up there way before me. But I knew I was called for that moment. And I started to wind the message down. I had the pianist come, and I'll never forget. I didn't I didn't know what I was gonna do. As I was drawing the message down, I did not know what I was going to do. If I was gonna call Brother Spivey up, try to make some appeal. I I didn't know. I I didn't know. And I thought I'll just have the guys stand. And as I had I said, as you're standing with me, and I'll never forget, some guys just started to come. And I didn't have to do anything. God's presence started in the prayer time before the service, and through the singing, it intensified, and through the special song, and it was more evident and revealed to everyone there was that God was there, and through the message He was faithful, and I didn't have to do anything. And we had an amazing prayer service, prayer time. So I have this picture on my phone of me in the middle of that message preaching. And when it comes close to a heavy task, whether it be preaching somewhere or um, you know, a week of ministry away or whatever, I I save that as my backdrop. And every time I open my phone, I see that picture of me preaching with the anointing of God. And it's something that helps me fight those voices in my head, that imposter syndrome, the the things that people have ever told me that are negative, that make me want to quit and go hide away. It it helps me fight against all of that because it helps me realize that I've been called by a higher power, and that power has been faithful to me. And and God has been faithful and I've needed it. He has reassured me over and over and over and over that even though I'm uh it's insignificant, even though I'm insignificant, even though I'm a nobody, I'm called to tell somebody about Jesus and the redeeming power of the blood and the transformational things that can happen in their life if we yield and surrender ourselves to God. Because that's what he is doing for me. Redeeming me. But the voices in your head, they're going to they're going to sound different, they're going to increase. I tend to preach with a lot of personal illustrations. My very first revival, I had somebody that got back to me said, Kevin needs to be careful. He's way too vulnerable. He opens himself up. He needs to be careful. So I have that voice in my head now. Yep. It's on autoplay. It relives rent-free. You know, I I don't think about it as much as I did six months ago. And another guy tell me that, you know, I would if I'm gonna be in the ministry, I should consider moving out of the area and moving and taking a church out of the area so that I can become more credible and then move back into my area, and now I'll be more credible credible. I mean, okay. That's not what God's leading me to do. I had another voice in my head that said, What? When are you gonna take a church? And I said, uh, I don't know. I'm I'm not it's not my deal. God called me to preach, but he hasn't led me to a church yet. And so I'm not worried about it. I don't even think about it. When I'm to move, he'll make it known. When I'm to take a church, when I'm to do something, God will lead me. That's what I'm waiting on. And he said, Well, you know, what what are you gonna be? Just a Sunday school teacher your whole life and and work and build and preach once in a while? And I said, I I don't know. It's not my problem to worry about that. It's not my ministry, actually. It's God's. I have a voice in my head that tells me that you're not educated. You should have a college degree. Well, that's fine. I I think you're right. I do. The problem is I don't even know how to spell college hardly. I can't ever remember if it has uh one L or two. And so, you know, book learning might work for you and a lot of people, but I have I have trouble with it. And so I can be anointed and I I need to be a student. I am being a student. I am growing my knowledge of the scriptures. I am, but for me to go and sit in a college setting at 30, almost 39 years old, God's not leading me to do that right now. And again, he called me. It's his ministry. This is his problem to figure out. Not that it's a problem, it's just this is his deal. You know, he is leading me. And when he leads me and I walk into that light that he sheds, then I know I can trust him because I I have some instances I can point back to and say, God was faithful there. So when I got called all the all of this back to this IHC, I said I was available. I have a voice in my head saying, You're unworthy, you shouldn't do this. IHC, ooh la, you know, you're there's no way you should do this. And then the voice changed and said, Oh, they couldn't find anybody else. You're bottom of the barrel. Well, that one made sense to me because that's true. And I was like, Finally, the voice is correct on this. And so I said I was available. I talked to my wife. I was gonna be gone eight days straight, nine days about, and uh I talked to my wife, and we said, Yeah, you know, this is something that I should do. We prayed about it, talked about it, and I said I would do it. Then I gave it a few days, and I asked, I said, Will I be there by myself? I need some direction. And he said, and brother uh Steve Cassidy reached back out. He said, No, you won't be there. He said, Brother Daryl Stettler is gonna be there with you, helping with the preaching, and Naaman and Katie Thrasher will be there uh doing the singing. And at that moment, I had lots of voices in my head. Seriously? Daryl Stettler, like one of my heroes, and I have to preach, and he's gonna moderate. Daryl Stettler is like flame and yawn, and I'm over here, I'm like hot dog bun forny. I'm not even the hot dog, I'm the hot dog bun. I mean, you want to talk about inferiority complex or imposter syndrome or whatever it is. I mean, the voices in my head were going haywire, seriously, God, why? He doesn't even know me. I've never talked to the guy in my life, but this is a guy that I look up to. Some of his messages have been instrumental in my life at different points, and you've got to be kidding me. And then I think about the thrashers. The thrashers were in call Bible college at Pennview, and and I got kicked out of high school, my 11th grade year, and they were there and and they knew lots of things about me. And you know, maybe, maybe not, I don't know. It just the voice is in my head. Seriously. But God really helped me. He helped me to get comfortable and be myself. Because that's who he asked me to be. He didn't ask me to be Daryl Stellar. And and he helped me to be myself and prepare like I would anywhere else. And Daryl's such a gracious and kind and encouraging guy, and I so appreciated my time there getting to know him. And the thrashers, we reconnected, and we were celebrating what God is doing in both of our lives, in my life, and in the lives of their families, and and uh it was just an amazing experience where God, you know, and we got to know the host pastor uh of that place and got to preach at our I'd never been to the Colorado Springs God's Missionary Church, and I got to preach there on Sunday morning, and God helped us. I mean, God's presence was there. And I was so thankful that I didn't listen to all of the voices in my head except that that quiet, soft, tender voice that said, Just do this, I'll I'll help you. And God did help me, and then we got to mentorize and And I struggled a little bit because last year I spoke at every Mena Rise event. And this year I was offered the Friday morning time slot. And Friday morning, it was called Masculine Mandate. And it was going to be a church service, basically. And I struggled. I was offered that to preach that session. Or it's, you know, it can be a pre a sermon. It can be even more teaching. Uh, and I had no burden for it. Uh for that event, for that time, I had no burden for it. And so I told Brother Spivey on the phone, I said, listen, I he called to see if I was going to take it. And I said, listen, I just I don't want to be unwilling. And I've struggled because I told God I would do whatever he asked me to, or whatever the doors open, but I said, I I don't feel like I'm the guy for it. And so I was nervous and a little scared because um I had turned this down and I told him, I'm not turning it down because of an unwilling heart. I'm turning it down because I feel reservation to it. And so we had a good opening night uh Wednesday night. We had a good Thursday. But I'm praying Friday that for Friday morning that you know may I pray I didn't do the wrong thing. And God, you know I didn't do this out of an unwilling heart. I just I didn't feel it was right. And we got to Friday morning, and Gabe, we had felt led to ask Gabe Clyde. He pastors a church, uh, I think it's uh Allegheny Wesleyan church out in Cottage Hill, Pennsylvania. And God anointed him an unbelievable, one of my top morning services um ever at a menorize, one of the top several. And God anointed him. I mean, it was uh on the on the survey sheets, many people put you know Friday morning as their favorite service. It was no question he was the man for the hour, and I sat there with tears in my eyes praising the Lord that well, first of all, that God was helping him, but even more so that God had led me to say a holy no. A holy no. And he had led me to say no to an opportunity, and it was the right thing. Praise the Lord. And then Friday afternoon, we were gonna have a panel discussion, and interestingly enough, um, we had a meeting with the panelists. Brother Spivey and I were gonna be the moderators, and brother Spivey felt like I should be a part of that. I I didn't need to be, and yet I kind of wanted to be. And in the when we had our meeting on Thursday, or when I think it was Thursday morning with these panelists, what I actually wanted, but I didn't say anything. What I felt like we wanted, or what I wanted, was a sit-down conversation, a round table conversation where the audience would just listen in. I'm not a huge panel discussion guy. I think they tend to be stuffy and um, you know, I I don't know, it's just not my style, but I love conversation format. That's why this podcast normally has a guest and it's a conversation. And so I didn't say anything, but as we were in that meeting and as we were talking, you know, it ended up becoming this big conversation. And and I said to Brother Spivey, he was on the my right side, and uh, I think another guy mentioned it as well. Like, this is I think this is what we need to do, this open conversation where we talk about these different things and and life that we face. And we had so we had myself and we had uh guys from all walks of life. We had Dr. Chris Dewhurst up there. He was uh he's a licensed counselor and very knowledgeable in the book end of things and the psychology part and the chemicals and the imbalances and all of those things. And and what was interesting to me, you know, we had several guys delivered from deep lives of sin. Several of them are business owners, holiness pastors, you know, all different walks. And what was interesting to me is I realized that I'm not a moderator, I'm a navigator. And I'm to navigate, a moderator, I'm to navigate this conversation. And as I was sitting up on that platform in front of 200 spectators with five other guys, I started thinking about this podcast and how over the last seven episodes talking to people and with people, I'm learning to navigate through conversations and find ways to stay on a subject for a while and then find transitional points, how to transition into the next topic or the next part of their life. And I found myself sitting there realizing that God led me to do the podcast, and now I was doing it live with a live audience, and that God was making a way. I say praise the Lord. Do I want to do it again? I'm not sure. I had a lot of voices in my head. You should be doing this. I have people that um don't like me at all. And I struggle with that. But I know that they didn't call me. I have people that aren't big fans, you know. I say fans loosely, but they aren't, you know, the podcast is strange to them. That's fine. I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for God. I had somebody, the Kyle Johnston episode, I um we were at we had a good conversation, and I said something in there that struck somebody wrong, and I I didn't mean anything wrong by it. They called me and said, What do you mean? And there you said in that podcast that if God, if I'm successful, uh it's God's fault, and if I'm a failure, it's God's fault. And what do you mean by that? Because I don't they they were saying, you know, I don't think God makes failures, and I'm like, Yeah, I I don't either. I I don't think he does either. What I was saying, I I think what I meant was is that if I'm successful, it's his fault. And if I'm not, you know, it's just his fault. Like I don't even know what success is measured by. I just what I'm saying is is when I'm sold out and surrendered and and saying yes and walking in the light and all of those things that that I can just trust him for the results and whatever it is, good or great or whatever it is, it's his it's because of him. You know. And so I would just encourage you. I don't know where you're at in life, I don't know what you're doing, I don't know what God's leading you to do, but I would just remind you that God empowers us to do what he's asked us to do. And if we believe that God is perfect, like we do, and we believe that God is all-knowing and all of that, that if we and his will for us is perfect, that if we are living in the center of his will, there is no better option. Like if I am living in the center of God's will, there literally is nothing better out there for me. It's his will. His will is perfect. And so if I'm living in that and in the leading of that, and yes, he's going to lead me to say some more holy no's to some things. Up to this point, it's been a yes, yes, you've got to be kidding me. Seriously, I have to do this. I don't know, all of this, and it's been hectic and hard, and but he's helped every step of the way. And he's been faithful to lead me and help me and guide me. And so I would encourage you today that he'll do that for you too. I might be talking to somebody that's to start a business. I might be talking to somebody that's supposed to go into the ministry, but you just can't see a pathway forward. There's nothing you can do to make that happen. And you're right. Stop trying to figure it out, let God figure it out. But also quit saying no. I might be talking to somebody that's to reconcile with a spouse. Eat some humble pie. I might be talking to somebody that's to be the leader of their home. Your wife's been the spiritual leader, you wouldn't want to admit that, but deep down you know, deep down you know that you're not leading your home the way you should. You could literally start that today. I'll never forget the first time I told my wife, okay, gather everybody in at 7 o'clock. She's like, what? This wasn't that long ago. What? What a why? I said, we gotta have a family meeting. What's this about? Don't you worry about it. Everybody in the living room, seven o'clock. We're gonna have family devotions for the first time. Oh my word. Like, yep, yep. No, it's actually not your word, it's God's word. Open it up, kiddos. You know? Awkward, yes. The right thing, also, yes. It was that bad. I told her, I said, Oh man, I'm gonna do this a few times so you know how to do it, and then you're gonna do it from here on. She said, No, not a chance. You're the man of the house, you do it. Okay. Does it happen every night? No, but we do our best, you know, and um I hope it can be every night, you know, and maybe it should be already, but uh God's growing us and helping us, leading us, and we've just got to be willing and rest in the fact that God'll help you. The other thing I would do, I'll leave you with this. Celebrate some victories. It's okay to accept and acknowledge that you did okay. That God helped you and and you did good. God did good through you. And he's given me some fruit and some things to look back on that all I can do is say, Thank God I said yes, and that he helped me. So I don't know what voices you have in your head, but I would encourage you to get connected with God, get your eyes on Jesus, get get your eyes off of the negative things, stop listening to yourself so much and start talking to yourself more. And uh God will lead you into the center of his will, and when you get there, you will know there's no better place. There is no place you want to be other than in the center of his will. That's all I have for today on this Boots and Suits podcast. Thanks for joining us, and we'll catch you on the next one.