Returning to Kehillah (You Can Come Back!)

Did you know 10% of congregants (of all religions in the USA) will LEAVE their community at some point? That's normal!

But if you are someone who left, and you feel that tug at your heart to come back, and you're not sure how -- then this podcast episode is for you.

YOU CAN COME BACK! Inspired by the story of Joseph and some practical wisdom about the weirdness, awkwardness and emotionally tricky nature of going-then-coming-back, this podcast episode hopes to make you feel comfortable returning to your Jewish community.

🍏🍎 HIGH HOLIDAYS SCHEDULE 🍏🍎

Services held at Commonwealth Autism unless noted:

• Rosh Hashanah Evening Service | Sept 22 - 6:30PM
• Rosh Hashanah Day Service | Sept 23 - 9:30AM
• HHD Shabbat Dinner at Rabbi’s | Sept 26 - 6PM
• Shabbat at VA Pridefest! | Sept 27 - Noon
• High Holidays Kids Event at Art Factory | Sept 28 - 5:30PM
• Kol Nidre Yom Kippur Evening Service | Oct 1 - 7PM
• Yom Kippur Day Service | Oct 2 - 10AM
• Yom Kippur Concluding Evening Service | Oct 2 - 6PM (Service followed by a catered breaking-of-the-fast meal)

🎓 Use coupon code KEHILLAH for free high holidays classes: https://tinyurl.com/hhdpodcast 

🎬 High Holidays playlist so you can learn the prayers https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-FGkvtwGOynxf5aBdJ-r7AvLzg4SZwUS&si=etsMyF7GxqjNi8QJ

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

I'm Rabbi Patrick, and welcome to Kehillah. Oh my goodness, friends. We're having so much fun with this podcast. I'm loving it. And here's the thing. I need you to share it with your friends. I need you to tell people about it. I need your financial help too, right? Because this is a thing that we want to keep going. We want to keep pushing this. We want everyone in Kahila and beyond to hear this podcast. We want everyone in RVA to learn about who we are and what this community means to us and the values we share together. So share this with your friends. And if you can, please give a donation to support all of this. You know, in a lot of ways, this is sort of our new adult ed, right? So maybe you're not gonna drive all the way to my house, you know, six o'clock at night on a Tuesday to sit around and learn about something. But this, this allows you to, yeah. This is like being in a classroom with me or at my dining table learning, right? With little packets in front of each other. So this is kind of the new adult ed between that and our buddy Matt doing spiritual school. So if this matters to you then yeah drop drop five bucks ten bucks maybe do a monthly donation for something kind of small right we're not asking for a lot just a little bit see what you can do open your heart it would really mean a lot to me just to note there's that people out there and they're listening and that they want to see this continue so with that out of the way let's set our opening cover note let's set our intentions this has been an incredible spiritual practice for me to be have this moment with you. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Take a big ol' breath out with these words from the book of Genesis, chapter 45. This is the story of Joseph of the Technicolor Dreamcoat fame, and he's been in Egypt for some time. And he meets up with his brothers, the ones who sold him into slavery. And it says this, Genesis 45, verse 4. Then Joseph said to his brothers, come forward to me. And when they came forward, he said, I'm your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. Now do not be distressed or approach yourselves because you sold me hither. It was to save life that God sent me ahead of you. It is now two years that they There has been famine in the land, and there are still five years to come in which there shall be no yield from tilling. God has sent me ahead of you to ensure your survival on earth and to save your lives in an extraordinary deliverance. So that was Genesis 45, 4 through 7. This is one of the great reconciliation moments. This is when Joseph, who has been in Egypt and was kind of this punk nothing kid, finds his way into a dungeon and then finds his way all the way up to being sort of Pharaoh's sidekick. And then all of a sudden he reconciles with these brothers that sold him into slavery here at the end. It's, you know, an incredible story, right? It's the whole sort of Jake, the whole Sir Joseph cycle, if you want to call it that. The epic is about how you get into Egypt, right? How do you explain that story? And they do it through this very fantastical way, which of course should totally be a musical. But in the end, there's this great reconciliation moment. And, you know, I read stuff like this and I think, oh, how come we don't have more of that? Right? How many stories do I hear about people that, you know, they can't talk to their kids? anymore or their parents can't talk to them or they have a sibling that's that's been a problem or something like that you know happens all the time that's that's just a human thing right sometimes families aren't tight sometimes we aren't you know close-knit right sometimes you have that falling out or sometimes you feel like you've always had to manage certain people and now you're just not going to manage them anymore maybe it's the opposite side maybe someone has done some growth and they're finding that that relationship they had with you, that's just not going to work. But instead of trying to figure it out, trying to figure out what are the new boundaries, what is the new way of approaching this relationship, they just kind of fade into the background. These things happen. And it's sad. I'm someone who I don't want to see that. I don't want to see people in families sort of move on from one another. That's a really tough one. But let me talk about this in the context of a congregation. So every congregation has a 10% churn. So that means that 10% of the people who are involved with what you do, whether you're a church or a synagogue or a ministry of some kind, 10% are just going to leave every year. And that's normal, right? So people move. You're no longer the close option or the convenient option. People go through things in life and that's what led them to you, meaning the congregation, the synagogue or whatever. And they've been through that and you helped to build them up, right? This was someone going through a divorce. This is someone who lost a child. This is someone who is new to the area and wanted a sense of community. So 10% of people will be ready to go when they're ready to go. The bar mitzvah was three years ago and we're good now, you know, that kind of thing. And that's normal. And that's something actually to sell Because it means that you're doing your job. It means that you're building people up physically, spiritually, emotionally, and they're ready for that next thing. You got them where they're going. And then at the same time that you have 10% leaving, you have 10 or more percent who are coming in, right? This is the new crop of people. And it's not sort of new people in, new people out, and legacy people stay. Sometimes it's a combination of that stuff. Maybe you have a married couple and the spouse dies and it's tragic and you're there for that person. And then after a time, they say, you know what, this reminds me too much of that pain. So I'm going to need to move into the next phase of life. Or you have people who say, you know, you were always there for me and I'm always going to be there for you. And they're like that until suddenly they have to be somewhere else, right? They were part of that core group and then just life sort of happens. And the new folks that come in, they're not going to be one foot out the door, right? There are people who are looking for purpose, community, spirituality, uh, since a Yiddish kite, right? Whatever it is. And they come in and they have their experiences and they may stick around for a really long time, or they may be part of that 10% churn. You never know. I think is the, it's not about, you know, getting as many butts in seats as possible. I know there's people who believe that there's people who believe that the key to any kind of congregational life is lots of people in a room. And it's such a, circular reasoning because it's well you could get more people to come to your thing okay great so then what does more people do well you can help more people okay sure that's true we want to help as many people as we can well so then you're getting some money okay because you got more people now so more people means more financial resources whatever so then it's okay well now we need to fundraise so you know you've grown so then you fundraise and you fundraise so then you can grow and it becomes this like snake eating its own tail or as my friend rob says the self-licking ice cream cone Which is one of my favorite quotes of all time, self-licking ice cream cone. So you get to a point where you're a leader and you go, yeah, this is the season. This is the churn. This is the way it works. And you're happy for people. You celebrate new people coming in and you celebrate when people say, I'm ready to move on to that next chapter of my life. And that's just awesome. But there's this one category within the 10%. And these are the 10% who put themselves in exile. So these are the people who they came to the congregational event and someone said something, right? And it was not cool. And maybe We didn't know about it. Maybe they didn't want to mention it, but it just left kind of a sour note, right? Sometimes things like that happen. Like human beings just do things. That's just kind of the way this works. And it's not anything indicative of a community and it's not something greatly symbolic. It's just sometimes people have faux pas. I wish we had actually a word in English for faux pas because I think it's a great concept that just sometimes people say and do stupid stuff. It's just the way it is. is. And it's just how their brain reacted in the moment. And there's no ill will. There was no negative intentions. But we don't get to control other people's reactions to us. So sometimes that happens, right? Someone makes an offhanded comment. Someone says something dumb. Maybe another possibility is someone finds out that maybe this isn't 100% what they thought it was, right? So they just decide, okay, well, I'm just going to kind of go in the back a little bit and disappear and never come back. Or maybe people adjust to Kehila being an online thing, right, during COVID. And then coming out of that, it's like, yeah, well, we're back in person. That was always the goal. And it's like, oh, well, I kind of liked it better when it was, you know, on Zoom, right? And there's people who would say that, right? I liked it when it was the Zoom thing. And now you're not the Zoom thing anymore. And maybe you even feel a little betrayed by that, right? Like, well, why aren't you online? And we are. We have spiritual school, but you're right. Like we're not going to lead, you know, um, an online Seder, right. Or an online Hanukkah party. It's not, we're not there. Like it's new times. It's a new season. Um, but yeah, but that can feel like a betrayal because you're in Delaware, you're in Montana and we're not there for you. And, and isn't the motto you matter, right? Yeah, that can hurt. Um, but maybe you are close. Maybe you're, you know, not there for you. north side, south side, whatever. And you're like, you know, it's just, it's been a while and I feel weird about it. And, you know, I'm going to see a bunch of new people. I don't know. Cause like Rabbi Patrick's telling me about this 10% churn thing. And, uh, so, so that's going to be odd. It's like, I'm going to be kind of new, but old at the same time. And, you know, it's not, you know, in the condo on Grove Avenue, it's in the house in Midlothian or, or maybe it's, you know, in an event space I've never been to before, like art factory, you know, Or maybe I want to come for high holidays and it's just too strange that this is a different thing. I remember... High Holidays, you know, during COVID, we would do, it was so awesome. It was so punk rock. We used to do services in people's front yards, right? We did this like very stripped down, Robin and I, this very stripped down, like 30 minute version of a High Holiday service. I think basically it was a Venu Malkenu and some guitar songs. And, you know, I think we blew the shofar. And I gave some very short sermon, right? So there's people who might be like, well, if you offered that, like I would do that. I'd pay for that. Yeah, but then we didn't, you know, because things changed, right? Just like that 10%, like just things change and you move on to the next thing. But they're like, oh, but I kind of want to come back. Maybe I was never even in it, but I'm like, I want to come back. But there's that funk. There's that weird. There's that energy. There's that, well, you know, those feelings, and that's normal. So what do you do with that? And the simple answer is that you just come back, right? Just like Joseph, you know, if you feel like there's been some negative thing that's happened, and definitely in his case there was, you just decide, you know, God's put me for a reason, you know, put me in this place for a reason, right? Maybe you needed to go and you needed to get some new perspective. Maybe you needed to go and you needed to try out a different community for a while. Or maybe you just dropped the whole thing. I've known people who were the most Jewishly involved, and then just suddenly they weren't. It just was not the right time anymore. And so they kind of just lived a life completely devoid of Jewish practice, and then suddenly they come back and move to Israel or something, right? That's just life, right? You had that baby, you got that new job, and then everything just kind of reoriented. And we weren't on the priority list, and that's Okay. Cause it's not about us, but you're welcome to come back. We'd love to have you. Yeah. It's going to be strange. You know, you're going to walk in and you know, it's going to be like, um, you know, when there's a big shakeup in a TV show, it's usually like the last season of the show and half the cast has left. And, you know, they bring in some weird new people, but like the, the old folks are still there too. Right. But they've kind of changed things a little bit. Maybe the hairstyles are a why they're together has changed, you know, and you're watching it and you're just like, ah, but that's not the same show, but it is technically, but it's like awkward almost. Yeah, you're right. That's what it's going to feel like when you come back. It's going to feel like you're the new kid and you're totally not because you're an old timer, right? You've been around for a while. Yeah. So it's okay though. You can come back because maybe God did that for some reason. Now, maybe that's not your theology. Maybe you don't like the idea of of a God who moves the chess pieces around. So maybe another way of looking at it could be on a more human level of the person you were when you were here, that was exactly who you needed to be. And the person that you became needed to grow. And now we can be the catalyst for the next stage of growth. So maybe you're that kind of person that you're going to come in, you're going to be in it, and then you're going to bounce. And then you're going to come in, and you're going to be in it, and you're going to bounce. Okay, that's the vibe. Okay, fine. Right, because it's okay to come back. Maybe the situation is not quite that severe, right? Maybe you've come to some stuff and you're like, okay, well, I really wasn't into the Hanukkah party, but I did come to something at the rabbi's house. I just don't know. I don't know where my place is, right? Maybe I'm not the big party person. Maybe I'm more of the small group person. Or maybe I'm someone that kind of wants to sit in the back of the pews, right? I kind of don't want a lot of attention put on me and I want to bring five, six family members. Yeah. So then you get confirmed. with all these more intimate moments. And it's like, oh, I don't I don't know, sitting under a circle with 20 people. That's a little too high contact. Right. I'm not that Jewish. Yeah, it's OK. It's OK to come back. It's okay to say, you know what? I'm going to come to High Holidays. That's going to be my one thing. I'm going to feel good about it. I'm going to give a donation. I'm going to, you know, support the cause. And then they're never going to see me again until, you know, whatever. Some other opportunity to be a little bit more passive in the experience, right? To just kind of sit and be instead of having, you know, a bunch of your new friends suddenly coming up to you and going, hi, I'm so-and-so with Kahila. Hi, I'm so-and-so. Oh, what's your name? Right? Maybe that's not where you are. And maybe you've had that experience and you're like, no, no, no, I don't need that. I like what they do, but that's them doing that. I'm in the crowd. I'm not in the core. Okay, great. Yeah. So you haven't come to stuff because it was all too intimate. And guess what? It's okay to come back. It's okay to say, you know, I'm going to get another shot here. Sit in the back row and scurry out as fast as possible. I get it. I know who you are. I see you. I get it. Totally fine. Yeah. Because you've got kids. Let's be honest. You know, maybe there is that holiday where typically we don't work. Maybe you do have to get back to the office. I understand. It's okay to come back. It's okay to come to the service, enjoy it, and leave. Yeah, totally fine. You don't have to make friends. No big deal. We're here for you. It's okay. Just come back. It's okay to come back and to say I'm back and better than ever, right? I wasn't ready to be a volunteer. I wasn't ready to be someone who really helped out a lot. I wasn't ready to be someone who other people would gravitate towards. Maybe I didn't think of myself that way. Maybe I didn't think of myself as like a synagogue person. And so I came to Kehila because I was sort of like, this is the anti-synagogue. And yet it is a synagogue, just one that doesn't have its own building. And I thought, oh, nuts. I don't want to get stuck in organized religion, even if, let's be honest, Kehila disorganized religion. But it's okay to come back because maybe you decided to float away. And now you're like, no, like after October 7th, Yeah. Like with all the antisemitism going on, you know, you get on your phone and you just scroll and scroll and scroll. And now you're like, I gotta, I gotta have something. I gotta have something in my life. It's okay to come back. It's okay if your non-Jewish spouse was never really into it and they did it for you. Boy, do they love you. They'll go to anything, right? They'll even go to that restaurant that they hate so much because they know how much you love it. And you didn't want to sort of do this to them. You didn't want to force them to come to something that wasn't going to be meaningful to them. And boy, do we work hard to make it meaningful for everybody. But yeah, I mean, some things just aren't for certain people. It's just not, it's okay. So maybe you came and you tried it and you're Your non-Jewish spouse kind of wasn't going along that much. You know, they were going along to get along and you were hoping more would come of that for them, right? Maybe they would see something that you see and that didn't happen. And so you floated away. Why didn't they have this experience that I had? Well, they were a different person. So you bailed. And it's been a few years. But guess what? I think you get the hint. It's okay to come back. It's okay to say like it didn't work then. And maybe whatever I was doing then wasn't the right thing to do after all. Maybe I just needed to sit with the experience. Maybe the best part of it was that my spouse was supporting me. And maybe that's enough. And so it's okay to come back. It's okay of spiritually you've changed, right? Maybe we first met you in the beginning of your Jewish journey and you needed something like Kehillah. Boy, are we great for beginners. We are perfect for someone who's just now learning. But then you think, well, what is it like to go to KBI? What is it like to go to Or Ami, Or Atid, or Bethel, right? Beth Ahava has a huge building. They have a lot of cool stuff going on. Maybe you've heard about Chabad. Maybe you've heard comments about how, like, In terms of the, I guess, what would you call it? Like the horseshoe theory of religion, Chabad and Kehillah, who are complete opposite ends of the theological spectrum, actually have more in common. Yes, maybe you tried that out. You met my buddy Yussel Kranz, and you felt really good about that. That was a cool community. That was a good experience. And then you're asking yourself, but now that I kind of started with Kehillah, and now I've opened myself up to all of these other things, am I allowed to come back as Is Kehillah going to be good enough for where I am spiritually? Well, I can't answer that question, but it is okay to come back and give it a shot. And it's okay for it to be amazing because you're like, I needed to kind of expand my boundaries, expand my consciousness before I could come back home. It's also okay for you to say, yeah, you know, that experience I had those years ago where Kehillah and Rabbi Patrick and the board and the volunteers and everybody, wow, they set me on a good journey. Um, but they set me off on a good journey and I'm still on that journey and I don't know that there is a coming back from that. Well, it is okay to come back, but maybe it's also okay to keep going. It's okay to come back, um, and to get deeply involved. You're like, no, now is the time. I'm tired of putting this off. I'm tired of hiding from my soul. I am tired of telling myself that what really matters is work and the house and that's it. right? I'm tired of telling myself that I don't matter because here's this group of people where their motto is you matter, right? And the three hardest words in the English language, according to them are, I need help. Yeah. And what you really need then is what the community is. Kehillah, Hebrew word for community, that freaking simple. So maybe that's where you are. Maybe you're done pretending. Maybe you came here and maybe it shocked you a little bit. Oh, wow, this actually matters to me. This is something that I could get into. But maybe you weren't ready for that yet. You know, I think we're a community where you're really going to choose your own commitment because we recognize that that's just how people are. Some people do some mitzvahs and others do others. And that's just the way human life works. Maybe you came in and you were like, oh man, I'm just not, you know, I'm not sure because this feels really good. And maybe I don't deserve good, right? There are some people that were raised that way. They were raised to believe that they didn't matter, that they didn't deserve to be happy, that they didn't deserve people in their life who They didn't know what the congregational model is. They didn't know how to live life with other people. I remember one time someone said, I don't know how to have a rabbi. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do around you or whatever. And that's a really good point. Some people don't grow up around this stuff, even if it's not about Judaism specifically. Maybe you lived in a community where there weren't churches and mosques and other things. So for you, this kind of congregational model, this kind of This is a whole new thing. And you tried it and it's like, you weren't ready yet. Cause no one gave you the primer on what it means to be in community. You know, you thought maybe like services meant you were being served, right? You like you buy the ticket and then you get something. And then suddenly you have these people talking about, you know, Kehila cares and volunteering and all that. And you're like, what do I do with that? Okay. So it's like a nonprofit. So like, how do I have a relationship with the rabbi? Is he like my, is he like my, my mentor? Is he a friend? Is he And you just weren't sure. So you kind of bailed. And then you went and you kind of thought about it some more. And yeah, now you think, okay, I think I could do this now. And I'm in a good place for it. So I'm here to tell you, it's okay to come back. It's okay to have been heavily involved, to phase out, to take a break, and to come back. It's okay to have tried Kehila once, years ago, when it was a completely different thing, and now to come back. We'd love to have you. We'd love to see you. I hope that you'll join us for high holidays or for anything, for that matter. Come to our great party at Art Factory. I'm so excited. We'd love to see you. Remember, it's okay to come back. Take care. God bless.

SPEAKER_01: 24:25

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 24:46

A few more announcements, friends. First of all, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. We have so many great things going on for high holidays. We've entered into the month of Elul, which is our spiritual lead up to high holidays. So I'm going to be putting out a lot of content, a lot of information. I want you to get primed up for high holidays. So there's a link here, tinyurl.com forward slash HHD podcast. So these are high holidays classes. They are free. They're downloadable. All you have to do is go to this URL, type in the coupon code Kehila, K-E-H-I-L-L-A-H. So K-E-H-I-L-L-A-H. That coupon code will get you all of those classes for free. Also, there's people who say, I don't know what the songs are. I don't speak Hebrew. I don't. What do I do? So for High Holidays, I've created a YouTube playlist. These are basically the songs that we do for High Holidays. And they're from different communities, different artists, different rabbis. So you're going to get a little bit of a different take for each one. But I'm really excited about it. Go on this YouTube playlist. Start to listen to some of these songs in the month of Elul where we want to be spiritually engaging more and more and more so that we can have the big triumphant moment at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And maybe this will help. Maybe this will help with your comfort level. So please check out those links. They are all here in the show notes All of our events are on fire, guys. I'm so excited about this. As of the recording of this, we've sold about 20 to 40% of our tickets for High Holidays. So you got to jump on this. So let me give you those dates. September 22nd at 6.30, Rosh Hashanah evening service. Rosh Hashanah day is September 23rd at 9.30 a.m. We then, the following Friday, have High Holidays Shabbat dinner. This is Shabbat Shuvah at the rabbis. So that is Friday, September 26th at 6 p.m. Then we have Shabbat at Pride. I'm so excited about that. So that's going to be held at the former Bon Secours Training Center. It's a little bit of a different location than how Pride has done it in the past, but they've used that space the past couple of years. It's been fantastic. There's going to be lots of security, so don't be afraid. Show your Jewish pride at Pride. So come see us at our Shabbat booth So that is going to be Saturday, September 27th, starting at about noon. The next day, we have a high holidays themed kids event at Art Factory in Midlothian, Sunday, September 28th at 530. There will be cheese pizza and apples and honey and art projects and all kinds of really fun things for kids to do. There will be the free Jewish bookstore. So grab yourself just bags and bags of books. We want Jewish literacy. So grab whatever you want. Our friends at PJ Library will be there. Thank you to the Jewish Community Federation of Richmond for that. Very, very exciting. And we're going to do a story time that I am so freaking excited about. I haven't told anyone about this. I mean, maybe like five, six people, but there's like over a thousand people on our email list. So you don't know about this yet. I it's going to be so awesome. I cannot wait. Cannot wait to do this story time. So that's Rosh Hashanah. Then we're doing Yom Kippur. And I want to thank Avi from Peace With. who is going to be part of our High Holidays experience this year. Kol Nidre is going to be October 1st at 7 p.m. The next day, Yom Kippur Day Service will be October 2nd at 10 a.m. We will then have a concluding service that same day at 6 p.m., followed by Breaking the Fast. So I know I've given you a lot. Go on our website, kehillarva.org, and all of that information is there. But again, about 20 to 40 40% of the tickets have already been sold depending on the event that you pick. So please get your tickets. I know it's like there's this thing inside you that's like, but I want to wait until the last second. That is the custom. The custom is you RSVP for the event in the parking lot. But I need your help. I know. And sometimes too, it's hard to remember if you bought tickets. So just look in your email. You know, you should see an email confirmation. And if you don't see that, shoot a message to us, rabbi, rabbipatrick.com. We'll get that all set up for you. Also, if you want to come and you can't afford it, no big deal. We've got free tickets. Kehila Cares has got you covered. So again, go on our website. We need volunteers. We want to give away free tickets to people who volunteer. So it's here for you. So make sure you grab it. Again, go on our website, kehilarva.org to enjoy all this great stuff and more. Thank you so much.