Stronger Marriage Connection
It's often said that marriage takes work. The Stronger Marriage Connection podcast wants to help because a happy marriage is worth the effort. USU Family Life Professor Dr. Dave Schramm and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liz Hale talk with experts about the principles and practices that will enhance your commitment, compassion, and emotional connection.
More than ever before, marriages face obstacles, from the busyness of work and daily hassles to disagreements and digital distractions. It's no wonder couples sometimes drift apart, growing resentful, lonely, and isolated.
The Utah Marriage Commission invites you to listen and discover new ways to strengthen and protect your marriage connection today!
The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.
Stronger Marriage Connection
Technology Meets Therapy: How Digital Tools Are Transforming Modern Relationships | Brian Doss | #129
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Dr. Brian Doss shares a science-backed digital resource called Our Relationship that helps couples identify relationship challenges and implement effective solutions through a structured framework.
• Our Relationship program has been continuously funded by the NIH for 15 years and helped tens of thousands of couples
• The DEEP framework helps couples understand Differences, Emotions, External stress, and Patterns of communication
• Surface emotions like anger often mask hidden emotions like hurt, loneliness, or feeling disconnected
• "Invisible support" like doing household tasks before your partner notices can significantly reduce relationship stress
• Expressing gratitude for small actions helps maintain positive connections with your partner
• The program takes approximately 8-10 hours and offers optional coaching support
• Free versions are available for military families and qualifying households based on income
• Research shows the program improves not just relationships but also mental health, physical health, and family functioning
Visit OurRelationship.com to learn more about the program, which is available both online and through app stores.
Brian's Resources
https://www.ourrelationship.com/
Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.
Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book Store
Written by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduce
The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Strongermarriage.org
Podcast.stongermarriage.org
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLife
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Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Dr. Liz Hale:
Introduction to Our Relationship Program
Speaker 1When it comes to online resources to strengthen your relationship , there are countless options , but on today's episode , dr Liz and I welcome Dr Brian Doss to the show and he shares a science-backed resource called Our Relationship that is one of the most helpful out there . Out there , we dive into the DEEP or D-E-E-P framework , breaking down differences , discussing emotions , stress and unhealthy patterns of communications . It's been around for more than 15 years and it's helped tens of thousands of couples . Dr Brian D Doss is a professor of psychology at the University of Miami and co-founder and president of Our Relationship . His research program focuses on increasing the reach and president of Our Relationship . His research program focuses on increasing the reach and effectiveness of couple interventions , with a special focus on technology . His digital Our Relationship program has been continuously funded by the National Institutes of Health , the Administration for Children and Families for more than 15 years . Dr Doss has over 125 professional publications and is co-author of the Therapist's Manual for Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy , one of the three couple therapies with the highest level of empirical support . Dr Doss's research has been featured on the Today Show , cnn , msnbc , the New York Times , the Miami Herald and elsewhere .
Speaker 1We hope you enjoy the show . Hey , friends , welcome to another episode of Stronger Marriage Connection podcast . I'm Dr Dave here at Utah State University alongside Dr Liz Hale , our licensed clinical psychologist and therapist . Our aim really is to bring you the very best we have in relationship resources and research , along with some tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams . All right , liz , we know today there are more relationship resources today than ever before and , even more specifically , I'd say , more online resources to help couples strengthen their marriage connection .
Speaker 2You know , it's a really good time to be married , right , I think , or to think about getting married .
Speaker 1Oh , absolutely . There's so many helps out there , but the question is , how do you know which ones to trust and which ones are research-based and the ones that are really worth it ? We're here to discuss several online relationship tools and resources . As a friend and colleague from all the way down in Southern Florida , the University of Miami , dr Brian Doss Welcome to the show , my friend .
Speaker 3Thank you very much . Thank you for the invitation .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , it's great to be with you . We're looking forward to hearing all you have to say about so many resources and the great work you've been doing down there in Miami and , Brian , you have been you've been at this for 20 plus years now , researching , you're counseling , you're creating resources , you're publishing tools all to help couples . Tell us a little bit about the evolution , maybe first , of these online resources available Just the last decade . It feels like things have really exploded .
Speaker 3Yeah , they have definitely . Well , you know , I got my start as a kind of more traditional couples therapist . That's kind of what my training was originally . We developed the Our Relationship program with our digital application all the way back in 2009 as a way to essentially kind of increase the reach of those services . But you're right , it's really been in the last 10 years , and especially kind of COVID , that really has accelerated the development of the online programs .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2I think that's so exciting . In addition to these online resources , brian , there are all kinds of new , fun , innovative ways for couples to stay connected and improve their relationship . What are some of your favorites ? Something you really like to make sure couples know about the resources and the tools , my friend , what are they ?
Speaker 3Yeah , Well , because I think you bring up a good point in that what you really want to do is find the right thing for your relationship , because I think there's some kind of lighter touch things that you can do that are kind of more playful . There's card decks and things like that . There are also apps that you can kind of ask each other questions or have the app ask you questions and if you both respond you can see each other's responses and things like that , you know . So those are kind of more playful where something like the Our Relationship program you know that's really we think about that as a digital tool to solve relationship problems . So you know that's kind of less playful and more planful , if that makes sense .
Speaker 2Are there different categories ? I don't know about Our Relationship , but I will now . Are there different categories , right ? How does this work ?
Speaker 3Different categories of the app .
Speaker 2You said our relationship . Is that what it's called ?
Speaker 3Yeah , it is , and I'm happy to kind of dive into that . That's what we've been working on for all the way since 2009 . So , over however long that is , I'm losing count .
Speaker 1Yeah , 15 , 16 years .
Speaker 3Yeah , so it's been a long time . We developed that program uh through in variety of federal funding and tested it with a variety of different um , you know , populations and things like that , so happy to kind of talk about that yeah , in fact , liz , that's one that we have on our um the stronger marriage website , the utah , the marriage commission .
Speaker 1That's one of the few programs that we actually highlight and say , hey , this is a trusted resource . So right there , yeah , for our listeners . If you want a quick version , you go to StrongerMarriageorg , our website . Click on that . So tell us , let's dive into our relationship . Tell us a little about the program and the primary aims .
Speaker 3Yeah , sure . So , as I mentioned , we think about it as a digital tool to solve relationship problems . So we know that there are effective couple therapies out there . The challenge is most couples don't seek couples therapy , or those that do , they wait way too long to seek it . So what we've done is we've adapted our effective couple therapy program to the Our Relationship program and it takes couples through a three-step process where they identify a relationship problem that they're struggling with and we help them better understand that relationship problem and then eventually provide tailored tips to solve those problems . And we have , you know , within our relationship we have programs tailored for a variety of couple types as well as a variety of relationship issues , because we think it's really to you know , meet couples where they are .
Speaker 1Is this , would you say , is there ? You know , a primary audience Is this what you say .
Speaker 3Is there a primary audience ?
Speaker 3Is this for those who are just curious ?
Speaker 3They're doing pretty good For those who are see everybody from couples who are engaged and about to be married they're doing it as part of an effort to some premarital education or those types of things to couples who have recently discovered their partner is cheating on them and they're trying to figure out whether they can save their relationship .
Speaker 3So we really do see a wide variety of couples . I think the ideal person to do our relationship is somebody who there's been something in their relationship that they have struggled for a while to try to improve or fix , and that could be something that they're lacking , that they miss or they see in other relationships , or it could be , you know , the presence of a positive they're arguing a lot , or some or sorry , presence of a negative they're arguing a lot , or something like that . So you know that's the person who I think we want , somebody who wants to solve that issue and , you know , are willing to either do that on their own or with their partner and kind of actively make a commitment . Either do that on their own or with their partner and kind of actively to do that .
Speaker 1Just a little bit more about it , brian . How ? How's it different ? I guess ? I mean you you hit Google and you you know relationship resources . You're going to have a million things pop up . Tell us a little bit more about yours and how unique it is .
Speaker 3Right ?
Speaker 3Well , I I think one thing that's that's really important about what we do is is we have studied and test everything that's publicly available and so we can say with confidence you know , after working with thousands and thousands of couples , that
Evolution of Online Relationship Resources
Speaker 3we know this program is effective and we know that it's effective in improving a lot of different types of relationship issues .
Speaker 3So we help couples with all sorts of different problems . We know that we can improve emotional intimacy , sexual intimacy , as well as decrease conflict and aggression and those types of things . So that's exciting . So we know that it affects a lot of areas of the relationship . The other thing that we're really excited about is that we've shown that , because the relationship is improving , people's mental health improves , their physical health improves , they're sleeping a lot better and things like that , and even their families are doing better , they're able to parent better , they're reporting fewer problems with their children either getting into trouble at school or fewer depression and anxiety . So , at the end of the day , you know , to sum all that up , we know that it works , and I think there's very few programs out there that can say the same thing .
Speaker 1Yeah , I love hearing and I read a bunch of the research , the studies on this that are backing that up . I love that it is . It's science-based , research-based . You've done quite a bit of work on this , remind me . I can't remember if you talked about it . As far as the length , I don't know average length , I guess couples expect okay , what is this and how long is this going to last ?
Speaker 3Yeah , it's about depending on if you're working on one or two relationship issues at the same time . It's somewhere in the neighborhood of about eight to 10 hours of content , which which sounds may sound a little bit kind of intensive or scary . But you know , we do take you through kind of step by step and if couples elect to do so , they can also work with a coach as they move through the program . So we've tested the program both with and without a coach . We know that it works for both , but it's always nice to have that coach that acts as a personal trainer to kind of keep you on track and tweak the techniques and other types of things that you're learning throughout the program , other types of things that you're learning throughout the program .
Speaker 1Love that option . Love that option . And Liz is familiar . I mean , I love Liz's approach . Actually I'm not a therapist , liz is , but she's about intense sessions , because sometimes 50 minutes is really hard , and so wouldn't you agree , liz ?
Speaker 2Oh my gosh . You know an hour session is a great way to feel like a bad therapist . It just is . There is no substitute for time . So , as a couple , we're going to spend eight to 10 hours talking about this topic , right ? Whatever the topic might be , we may as well spend eight to 10 hours in a program like our relationship and really get some good help , right ? So we're going to spend that time anyway .
Speaker 3Yeah , and you know those in-person sessions are great . You know I'm a big fan of couples therapy but we know that for a lot of our folks they can't find time to do it with their partner or the time that they have is on the weekends or in the evening , middle of the night or on the way home from work or whatever it is . And so the flexibility of the program that you can kind of do it on your phone , do it when you're separated from your partner , you don't have to physically be together , and then the program brings you and your partner together for those moments where you are going to share kind of what you're working on . So it's a lot more flexible that way than kind of traditional couples therapy .
Speaker 2So exciting . I love this whole idea .
Speaker 1We'll be right back after this brief message .
Speaker 2and we're back , let's dive right in you and your colleagues my friend have also created a framework to help couples better understand their
The DEEP Framework Explained
Speaker 2challenges , and we all have them right . And you call it deep d-e-e-p . Can you help us walk through that acronym and how it's helpful for all of us as couples ?
Speaker 3Yeah . So you know I mentioned kind of the Our Relationship Program is a three-step process kind of identifying a problem , understanding and then eventually solving it . So the deep understanding comes in in that middle section , the understand section . And you know we feel like that's important . Because you important because if you're in an unhappy relationship and if I were to ask you what's wrong in your relationship , you're probably going to point across the room and say there , that's what's wrong , meaning your partner , and that's natural , because you've struggled for a while to kind of work on this issue , to understand this issue , and you've been trying to change your partner or trying to do things differently and your partner is not cooperating for some reason . So we tend to kind of experience our unhappy relationships as a very simple explanation of if my partner would just change things would be okay . But oftentimes it's more complicated . So the deep framework or that deep understanding is a way to try to give couples kind of a more accurate , kind of less blaming understanding of their relationship problems .
Speaker 3So it is an acronym . So D stands for differences . So there we're talking about natural differences like personality or maybe emotional expressiveness . Some people are easily able to label and identify their issues and kind of talk about emotions . Some people aren't , other people are going to be more extroverted , other people aren't . So you want to think about where are the two of you naturally different and to what extent is that driving your relationship problems ? Does that make sense so far ?
Speaker 2That we're different , right ? No kidding , yep , uh-huh . Okay , let's go to the E , the first E of deep , please .
Speaker 3Yeah , so the first E that we like to talk about is emotions and , not surprisingly , emotions play a very important role in our romantic relationships . You know , we're in a relationship because of the positive emotions that it brings right and we will often think about , kind of you know lots of positive emotions or you know lots of negative emotions . But there's another distinction that we really try to encourage couples to make , which is kind of a surface emotion versus a hidden emotion . So a surface emotion are essentially the emotions that you express to your partner and that you see from your partner and when you're in an unhappy relationship , and that you see from your partner and when you're in an unhappy relationship .
Speaker 3A lot of the surface emotions that we see are the anger and the frustration , or sometimes it's the lack of emotion , it's the withdrawal or the defensiveness and what's happening there is . Those are sort of our reactions . Those are what are called secondary emotions . The hidden emotions are the primary emotions . So when something happens or your partner does something , you experience this hidden emotion , this primary emotion .
Speaker 3It might be hurt , it might be , you know , feeling lonely , it might be feeling disconnected , jealous , you know . Whatever it is , we're feeling kind of these more vulnerable emotions but instead of kind of voicing those , we act on them and you know , we kind of show our surface emotions and so the challenge is for couples who are trying to work through kind of relationship issues is first identifying what are those hidden emotions that they're experiencing and then starting to express those hidden emotions which we're going to pick up kind of towards the end of the deep understanding . But you can imagine if , instead of reacting to your partner with I can't believe you did that to me , that was so disrespectful you lead with that really hurt me when you did that . You know it's a scarier thing to say , but it also invites a much more kind of open and honest and probably hopefully eventually , you know productive conversation . But you need to be able to recognize those .
Speaker 2Oh , I love it , you're going to get a much better response from a partner . Right , Right .
Speaker 3Not having to defend themselves .
Speaker 1Okay , so I love this .
Speaker 2Going to get a much better response from a partner right Right Not having to defend themselves . Okay . So I love this so difference and emotions , secondary versus primary , and then the second E please in deep .
Speaker 3Yeah , the second E is external stress Our creating problems in our relationship . Our car breaks down and now we've got to figure out how to deal with it . That's a problem that , as a couple , we have to navigate . Or sometimes we've just had a really bad day at work and we come home through the door and our partner's talking to us about something else and the only thing we can think about doing is just how ? We just want to sit down and change our clothes and all of those types of things , because we've had such a bad day at work and even though our partner's talking to us about something completely different , we just can't hear it . So stress has lots of different impacts on our relationships that make them more difficult to navigate .
Speaker 2And then the P of deep , please . We got difference , we got emotions , external stress and P stands for .
Speaker 3P is patterns of communication . So patterns , you know , we talk a lot about . You know , and I'm sure lots of your listeners are kind of I've heard about kind of the speaker-listener technique and the problem-solving structures and things like that and those are all really important kind of aspects of communication and kind of can help us express those deep emotions or those hidden emotions , for example . But the thing we focus on a lot with the patterns of communication is the cycles that we get into over time . And so let's imagine let's start to construct a deep understanding for a couple . And so , you know , let's imagine let's start to construct a deep understanding for a couple . So let's imagine there's a couple who is , you know , maybe they have natural difference in how much closeness they want . You know one person likes to spend a lot of time together , the other person doesn't , for example . And you know , maybe somebody kind of gets a job where they're traveling , so that's the external stress . So you take this natural difference and then you pull the person , you know one person away even longer . So we've got external stress and so they feel these emotions of . You know , I'm kind of lonely , I'm feeling distant from you , but that's not what they express . What they express is the you know , the anger that they're taking another trip , right ? So you've got these three pieces coming into play .
Speaker 3Now we have to look at the pattern . Well , what happens when that person expresses that anger ? Well , probably what's going to happen is the other person's going to withdraw , or they're going to defend themselves . You know , I need to take this trip . I have to for my job . I don't want to , it's just part of what I have to do . So they defend themselves .
Speaker 3Well now , maybe the next time a trip comes up , maybe they know this fight's going to happen , right ? So they don't even ask their partner whether they can take this trip . They just agree to this trip . And now the other partner finds out wait , you agreed to take this trip without even telling me .
Speaker 3And so what happens is they start to polarize over time . And so what starts is this natural difference and these kind of emotional , natural experiences and emotions they're having . They start to get more and more extreme over time . And so , even though they both wanted to be in this relationship , they start to get more and more extreme over time . And so , even though they both wanted to be in this relationship , they both wanted to spend time with each other . They both enjoy spending time with each other . Now all they can do is fight about how much time they're spending together and how the other person is being so unreasonable , and so that's what we start to see with these patterns of communication is that how they have interacted over time has really driven them to a place where they kind of almost don't even recognize their relationship anymore .
Speaker 1Wow , brian , and I'm just processing all of this . Yeah , this is fascinating for me as one who hasn't done therapy . But it feels like these patterns of you get someone that just reacts to someone's behavior with a behavior instead of going deeper and understanding the person is hurt or lonely or isolated , and then it makes them angry or anxious or fearful , yeah , and then . But it comes out as a hey , you are the blame , and so we're on the outside here with behaviors , instead of saying , hey , let me truly understand , yeah , the feelings , is that right ?
Speaker 3Yeah , that's right and I think it's totally normal , you know , if that makes sense . I mean , I think we operate a lot of our time on autopilot and you know , I think kind of that's how we deal with situations in our life . We react rather than and we don't actually really examine why we're reacting that way and for most of the time being on autopilot in our relationship and driving . There's lots of advantages to that . There's just so many things happening that we can't examine everything . But if you and your partner are really kind of struggling with something , you really kind of need to flip that autopilot off and take the time to say , like wait a second , like why am I you know , this is somebody I love why am I reacting in this way and why is my partner reacting in this way , and start to kind of really think about that and think about how you could handle that differently .
Speaker 2It's very well named . It's a very well named acronym DEEP . It helps us go a little deeper .
Speaker 1A little deeper . Yeah , I love that . So that's really what our relationship is about taking and helping couples with their differences , breaking them down , kind of pulling the curtains aside and saying , hey look , you're in this destructive pattern , let's go a little bit deeper and find out .
Speaker 3Yeah , and the great thing about apps is we can do assessments and we can give people feedback on where their differences are . For example , we'll take information from the partner or take information from the user , show them where they're different and give them tips and suggestions based on kind of that content , because we know couples differ in lots of different ways .
Speaker 1Yeah , Well , let me take that a step further , brian ,
Invisible Support and Gratitude Matters
Speaker 1with some of that data . I mean you've been doing this again like 20 years . You collected all kinds of things . You're discovering things . Do you have some our listeners ? They love practical tips they can use to strengthen their marriage . What have you learned over the years that might be helpful for couples who are looking for simple things they can help their relationship with right now , right now , today , to overcome the challenges and become closer ?
Speaker 3Yeah , yeah , because you're right . I mean , a lot of times it is the day-to-day things that we kind of think about or don't think about . So you know , the smaller types of things I think are the invisible support . So you know , lots of times when we think about supporting our partners it's there with a tissue in hand . You know they're crying on our shoulder and sometimes that's what our partner needs . They're crying on our shoulder and sometimes that's what our partner needs . But a lot of times what our partner needs is for us to do the dishes before they even realize that the dishes need to be done . And so this idea of invisible support , where we're taking stress out of our partner's lives so that if they've had a tough day or they're struggling with something , we remove some of those barriers , we remove some of those other stressors so that they have the time to deal with whatever it is that they need to do . So that's this idea of invisible support .
Speaker 3One other kind of thing just kind of showing how important it is to recognize that we're grateful for our partner . And that can be something that you know you're doing in sort of prayer , kind of being thankful for praying for your partner , or it could be other ways that you're kind of recognizing that you're grateful for your partner . And then , of course , we want to tell our partners that we're grateful for them . So thank you very much , and it doesn't have to be this earth shattering kind of something you'd grab from a Valentine's Day card . It can thank you for cleaning up the kitchen . I really appreciate that . It's just the simple stuff .
Speaker 1I love that and it's hard to feel some of that when we're feeling resentful , right , it's hard to notice things or to give compliments or to man , maybe if I serve them or did this because we're so caught up , you know , or I guess we're turned inside with all those other things and our emotions are stressed . I love the idea of breaking this down and get back to some of these , these basics of turning outward with gratitude or , yeah , serving and loving and lifting .
Speaker 2Ah , helpful , thank you and I do find whatever we focus on grows right or I'll find the evidence , for I think he's a stinker pants . I'm going to find the evidence of my husband being a stinker pants If I find , if I focus on wow , he is just such a good partner , just always , always there to meet my needs . I will see things . I .
Speaker 3Yeah , and both things can be true . I'm not encouraging couples to put on the rose colored glasses and just pretend that your partner is not the stinker pants I think that was the expression you used Because if we pretend that they're not the stinker pants , then we're flipping on the autopilot and if we're not too careful we're going to crash without somehow kind of dealing with the fact that there's some important fact that we don't , there's some important things that we don't like that our partner's doing . But if we lose track of the other side , we'll lose track of why we even want to be in this relationship . So that's , it's the gratitude that kind of keeps us kind of recognizing that our relationship is worth saving and worth working on .
Speaker 2If we are experiencing problems and the autopilot not bringing up the important things . Is that your concern , Ryan , as a researcher and teacher ? Yeah , yeah .
Speaker 3So you know , I think , what ? There's a lot of really interesting research showing that when we're happy in relationships we sort of give our partners extra credit . You know , we sort of downplay any negatives . Or if they're late it was , oh , it's because of traffic was bad or not , that they were somehow irresponsible or whatever else . We make all these really nice kind of accusations or kind of attributions . So for the most part that's good to kind of smooth out the bumps in the road . But when there's something that's more than a bump in the road or we start heading down the wrong road , if we wait too long to figure that out , it becomes much harder to kind of turn back around and get back on the right road . So the trick , I think , is kind of recognizing when something is just going to kind of blow over versus when something actually needs some kind of recognizing when something is just going to kind of blow over versus when something actually needs some kind of focused attention .
Speaker 2Wow , and the wise person knows the difference , sounds like right , right .
Speaker 3That is the challenge sometimes .
Speaker 2That's where that coach could come in . I really don't feel like marriage therapy is necessary for every couple , so that's why I think something like this is so exciting with our relationship .
Speaker 1We'll be right back after this brief message . And we're back , let's dive right in .
Finding Resources and Free Program Options
Speaker 2Well , okay , in addition to these helpful resources we've discussed today , you've written books and so much more Can you share with our listeners , where they can go to find out more about you , ryan , and the resources that you offer .
Speaker 3So if you are interested in a book , we do have a book for couples which is called Reconcilable Differences , as opposed to Irreconcilable Differences . So that's Reconcilable Differences . That's available on Amazon or wherever else you would buy books . Our website is ourrelationshipcom , so O-U-R relationshipcom all one word . You can also find the Our Relationship program in both of the app stores if you search Our Relationship , and we do have a couple of free versions of the program .
Speaker 3We're fortunate to have support from the federal government . So if you go to free dotourrelationshipcom , that's a version of the program that we can provide to essentially working class couples . It's based on household income , and if you're a member of the US military , you can go to militaryourrelationshipcom and get a free version of the program . And then , of course , you can find these links available on the Utah website and get a free version of the program . And then , of course , it's also you can find these links available on the Utah website . If you all want to provide that link here , I'll give you a chance to plug your own site , yeah yeah , yeah , thestrongermarriageorg , where we have Brian's link to his program .
Speaker 1But , brian , we're going to put all those links as well for our listeners in the show notes . If you miss those listeners , please go there . Great , for our listeners in the show notes . If you miss those listeners , please go there . Um , great resources and , like I said , military uh , there are some he's doing with this with the grant . Qualify in that income range . You can take it for for free , right ? Yep , fantastic , wow , uh , brian , well , there's a couple questions we like to ask all of our guests before we let you go . Okay , the first one is this in your mind , with all the research and things that you've done , what do you feel like is the key to a stronger marriage connection ?
Speaker 3Oh , it's hard I mean it's hard to boil it down into one thing , but but I guess I guess actually the the advice I would give is actually not even my advice is I'm going to steal it from somebody else but it's this idea of turning towards rather than turning away .
Speaker 3So if you've had a stressful day or there's something that's bothering , you try to make it your partner that you open up and talk to about that , because what that's going to do is it's really going to strengthen that connection . It's disclosing to our partners . Opening up and sharing with our partners and giving our partners a chance to support us in that moment is one of the main ways that we can feel closer to our partners . And so when we turn away from our partners , when we have those conversations with our friends or with our families , it sort of robs us of an opportunity to do that with our partners . So that doesn't mean our partners have to be there 24-7 for us . It's great to have other people we can have those conversations with , but I would certainly encourage folks to have those conversations with the partners as well .
Speaker 1Absolutely love it . Yeah , yeah , big fan of Gottman . Yeah , and one of the reasons we name our podcast Stronger Marriage Connection is the importance of that connection . So turning forward to partners for that connection , love it . Now , as we wrap up , is there a take-home message ? We call it a takeaway
Key Takeaways for Stronger Connections
Speaker 1of the day , a message you hope our listeners will remember from our discussion today Brian .
Speaker 3I think maybe I'll pick up on what Liz called out , which is this idea of autopilot and knowing when to stay on autopilot and when not to stay on autopilot . I'm certainly not going to recommend , you know , that old advice of never go to bed angry with each other and things like that . You know , sometimes things fade over time . It's it's okay to be upset and frustrated with our partners . Um , I think if I start getting a little worried about couples who never have those experiences , so autopilot , you know there's going to be turbulence , that's okay . That doesn't mean that we're off track .
Speaker 3But if you start feeling like you can't talk to your partner , that you're a stranger , or you're arguing all the time and you're just really wondering if this is the right person for you , maybe you made a mistake . You're starting to get pessimistic , that something needs to change . Please reach out to somebody at that point that can be a spiritual leader , that can be a mental health professional , that can be , you know , going to the Our Relationship program . But it's much easier to kind of address those things you know those problems when they're starting than it is after they've been there for several years , and that's how long most people couples wait to seek couples . Therapy is years after serious problems develop .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , well said Liz , what about you ?
Speaker 2I'm kind of smelling at that one piece of Brian and Dave , because I often hear many couples I think I married the wrong person . I think it's a really common fear when we think that we're hitting the same wall again and again and again . Maybe we were just not meant to be , and you know . So I have such hope and with a program like yours , brian , with you and your colleagues , that we can all understand that this is really common feelings . And again and again you have just expressed how natural some of this is right when we're mere mortals and we hit our head against the wall . I also really love this idea of invisible support . I've never thought about it that way . It's a beautiful term . Just to think about how can I take a little bit of stress out of my husband's day , for instance ?
Speaker 3And .
Speaker 2I thought that was just lovely . So , dave , what about you ? What's a rich nugget you hope we'll all remember from our time today with Dr Brian Doss .
Speaker 1Yeah , brian , thanks for all that you have shared . I love the idea of the deep of the differences , the emotions , the external stress that's happening , these patterns , these destructive patterns of communication that we get into , patterns of communication that we get into . And it just hit me that we can help couples to , instead of reacting to their partner's behavior , responding to their emotions or to their deep , unmet needs , those things that are hidden and that they can't see . And I love that our relationship helps couples expose that , open things up a little bit more . So , big , big fan , big fan of all that you are doing in the program that you're running there . So , thank you , brian , thanks again taking time to come on and share with us the great work that you do in the programs . Yeah , the decades of research that you have been sharing , appreciate all your wisdom today .
Speaker 3No , thank you very much .
Speaker 2It was great being a part of this and I like how you said that , Dave responding to their deep unmet needs . Right , yeah , that's beautiful .
Speaker 1Yeah , we all have those . We just don't recognize what they are sometimes and it takes sometimes an outsider and I love that actually , that Liz pointed that out . The coaching option for some couples yeah , what a gem to have someone . Okay , I'm going through this , but we could use a live person now at this point to kind of walk us through that . So you've thought of everything there with that program . Well done .
Speaker 3Thank you . Yeah , a lot of couples find that coach helpful , but then some couples want to do it on their own , so we give couples that flexibility .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , all right , my friend . Thanks . That's all for now , my friends . We will see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast .
Speaker 2And remember it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection . Take good care now .
Speaker 1Thanks for joining us today . Hey , do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission , where you can watch this and every episode of the show . Be sure to smash the like button , leave a comment and share this episode with a friend . You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at Stronger Marriage Life and Facebook at Stronger Marriage Life and Facebook at Stronger Marriage , so be sure to share with us which topics you loved or which guests we should have on the show next . If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection , visit StrongerMarriageorg , where you'll find free workshops , e-courses , in-depth webinars , relationship surveys and more . Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University . And finally , a big thanks to our producer , rex Polanis , and the team at Utah State University and you , our audience . You make this show possible . The opinions , findings , conclusions and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission .