Stronger Marriage Connection

A Great Marriage Starts With a Great You | Greg Denning | #133

• Utah Marriage Comission • Season 3 • Episode 133

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Greg Denning shares his journey from a troubled childhood to creating an extraordinary marriage and family life while traveling to over 60 countries with his wife and seven children. His positive energy and unique ability to inspire others stems from his personal transformation after leaving home at 16 and experiencing homelessness before discovering the secrets to creating a happy life.

• Making marriage the true priority by saying no to anything that competes with the relationship
• Using micro deposits (daily acts of connection) and macro deposits (regular getaways and annual honeymoon trips) to invest in marriage
• Applying the "Silent Film Test" – asking if observers would know your spouse is your priority based only on actions
• Working on yourself first – resolving personal issues that create obstacles in your marriage
• Understanding that men can increase their capacity to handle pressure through mindset shifts and physical health
• Learning to truly listen to your spouse without trying to fix or respond
• Strategically creating systems that enable you to manage complex family life without burnout
• Remembering the marriage equation: as you improve yourself, the relationship improves even if only one partner is initially working on it

We live at the level of our habits, not our hopes. Don't settle for a mediocre marriage – keep pursuing your dream of a phenomenal relationship through consistent small adjustments that create big differences over time.


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Dr. Dave Schramm:

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Dr. Liz Hale:

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Speaker 1:

On today's episode. Dr Liz and I welcome Greg Denning to the show. This guy has worked with people from more than 50 countries across five continents. Today, he shares how he keeps his marriage and family strong while making time for becoming his best self, and he offers practical tips and strategies for intentionally creating an extraordinary marriage, managing differences and conflict, and specific tips for men who struggle handling the pressures of being a dad, husband and provider. Greg Denning is known for his positive energy and his unique ability to inspire others. He left home at the age of 16 due to difficult family circumstances and spent some tough years hungry, lonely and discouraged, determined to discover the secrets to creating a happy life and, if it was even possible. He started a journey of personal growth and development that continues to this day and which led him to create the life of his dreams. He and Rachel have been blissfully married for 24 years, have seven awesome children, with whom they have traveled to more than 60 countries, and have created a multiple six-figure location-independent business. They currently live in Europe. Greg is a family lifestyle and business consultant for entrepreneurs and businessmen, as well as the creator and coach of the formidable Family man Tribe, where he helps family men master their fitness, family and finances.

Speaker 1:

We hope you enjoy the show. Hey there, friends, welcome to another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast. I'm Dr Dave here at Utah State University, alongside Dr Liz Hale, our psychologist. We are aiming to bring you the best we have in research and resources, along with tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. Well, today it is our privilege to welcome a guest who went through some pretty rough teenage years, who spent some time both homeless, helpless and hopeless. But he overcame some serious struggles, worked through some shyness and fear and discovered that the happiness he desperately wanted in life started with him and his way of thinking and his choices. Well, today he is a married father of seven children, just celebrated 24 years. Right, greg, we just learned Yep. Welcome to the show, greg Denning.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much, so excited to be here, genuinely. I couldn't think of a better work than what you guys are doing, so important.

Speaker 1:

Thank you so much, greg. And Greg is I just I got to mention he's coming to us from Portugal, so, matt, thanks for making time. Yeah, it was a big time change and everything right up front, greg, yeah, super excited.

Speaker 2:

I got some stories to share, so we'll get into some.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I want to actually put a plug right up front for our listeners to go watch some of your videos on gregdenningcom. We'll talk about your resources and stuff, but right up front I mean listen to the podcast. But then I'm telling you, go watch some of these crazy, awesome, inspiring, epic adventurous videos on his website and you can check out more of his life story. We don't have time to dive into all of it, greg, like you do in a lot of those videos, but I want to kind of set the stage for our discussion. Can you give kind of a short summary of some of the rough stuff and what, and even leading up to what you're up to these days?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely so. It all really started because my parents ended up getting a divorce when I was really young and stepdads came and went, several stepdads, and so growing up I just was seeing kind of the rough, rough side of marriages and I ended up leaving home at 16. I was just like you know I'm going to go try to figure this out I guess it was. It was hubris or frustration, and luckily I was clueless and did not know how hard it was going to be. It was brutal, um, but but probably the most poignant moment was Christmas Eve.

Speaker 2:

I was 16 years old, totally alone, um, in this little shack of a house in a rough part of town you know there should have been, you know the gifts and the presents and the meal and family and the Christmas tree and all the beautiful things, right, and I just sat there by myself in this freezing room. I could see my breath in the air and I saw, you know, never again. I. The worst thing of all the things I experienced was the loneliness, and so it drove me, you guys, as 16 years old, I grabbed a piece of paper, I started writing down like the qualities I wanted in my marriage, really, and made this list carried it with me for years all over the world and kept adding to it, and I like my own. When I met my wife, I knew exactly what I was looking for, and it was. It was a great help to help us create the marriage that I longed for as a young man.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's incredible.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it is. It is incredible. Looking back now I'm like, oh man, it was. I give the credit to God because I was. I was just trying to survive, trying to find the 25 cents to buy another package of ramen noodles. Oh, that's true.

Speaker 1:

That's true. Tell us where you met. You're right.

Speaker 2:

So we went to a speaker it was actually in Salt Lake and went to hear this presentation and she walked in and sat in front of me and I was like oh yeah, and didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she was with a bunch of guys, but she she had, she was walking out. I was watching her walk out and she talked and turned to someone and then left and I went running over there. Oh, you'll appreciate this, dave it was. It was a guy I met in my marriage and family studies class at the university. I was like, yes, I know him. So I ran over there. I was like set me up. And so he set me up on it was a blind date for Rachel, obviously and we started dating and hit it off and it was magic An awesomeness.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what a turnaround. What a turnaround. So cool.

Speaker 3:

I need to ask you, Greg, how do you keep your marriage strong while managing the demands of work, travel, fatherhood, seven children Unbelievable. How do you do it all?

Speaker 2:

So the key I found well, we read like crazy, so I'll just throw that out there. That was one of the things we kind of built our life on and our marriage, like we would get together and just that was put. Some of our dates we were just reading and reading and reading. We just read voraciously and I've averaged a book a week for over 25 years, like we just read, and so she reads too. So the reading obviously helps, right, you get all these good reminders. So we read together and and we work on ourselves.

Speaker 2:

And I realized and if I, if we have big dreams and I hope all the listeners will let themselves dream and have some big dreams and if we start chasing big dreams and we have all the kids and life and stuff and things and all the craziness and the mayhem boy, we've got to make our marriage a priority.

Speaker 2:

And so I think the thing that has made such a big difference for me and for Rachel is that we said you know, our marriage comes first and then we mean it. We don't just say it and then do all the other things like no, we mean it and so the way to execute on that and it's not easy, but we say no to anyone and anything that gets in front of our marriage. Marriage is first and we lean into it and invest in it massively. I love to teach people and tell people. It's like, look, if you're not actively working on your marriage, then kind of by default, you're working towards your divorce right, or at least kind of a stagnant marriage. I'm like we're, we're all in and I think that's how we keep our marriage strong amidst all the stuff we're doing is we make each other a genuine priority.

Speaker 3:

That's beautiful. So that's that simple daily habit.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And what about other habits to keep you at your best? As our father and husband Share your other secrets. We'd love to know everything.

Speaker 2:

You know, when you start thinking about it, all the roles we have. So it's like husband, wife. You know mother, start thinking about it. All the roles we have. So it's like husband, wife. You know mother, father, provider, protector, I mean on and on, you get all these roles.

Speaker 2:

Now. It's a massive expenditure of energy and we've got to be on our A game. And so I realized years ago it's like you know what, like we get one shot in this, this body we have. It's our vehicle. It's a vehicle for everything we do, from sleep to sex, from from learning to serving Everything's done in the one vehicle we got. And I realized I became a personal trainer early on and realized that when we increase our energy and our capacity and take care of our bodies, like we get to do so much more, like we literally increase our capacity to show up and I want to be all in as a husband and father. So I was like you know what I'm in. I'm going to say no to the very tempting junk food and things that I would, you know, affect my energy, my thinking. I'm going to, I'm going to say yes to moving my body and exercising. I'm going to say yes and prioritize good sleep. So it's like it's taking care of me so that I can show up for my wife and my children.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that. In fact, here on the podcast I often share, greg, that a happy, healthy we start say with a happy, healthy me, and I truly believe that almost like foundational. Right before the marriage, even you got to bring your best self. Are there things that you did? I mean early teenage years it sounds like you're off, but then you kind of caught this vision you turned. Are there like daily habits? Are there little tips and tricks that you have found that work for you? It may not work for everybody, but is there like a I don't know routine or things that you use your mind, your body or you know your own life, not in a selfish way, but so you can show?

Speaker 2:

up in your yeah for the best, yeah absolutely every day, because I realized that like you can't draw from an empty well and you can't give what you don't have. So I realized like for me especially, I figured this out as the kids started coming, cause we adopted our first and then my wife got pregnant right away and then two more right away, so we're like we have four kids back to back to back and we're like this is crazy. And I realized I had to get up every morning and address three things my mind, my body and my spirit. Like I have to be dialed in so I can really show it up. My body and my spirit. Like I have to be dialed in so I can really show it up.

Speaker 2:

But to to answer your question in kind of a bigger way, the one thing that made the biggest difference for me in our marriage is that I had to do the inner work to resolve my own problems, my own issues I had. I had to go and face those things because I realized those are the biggest obstacles in a marriage relationship. And one example is I had a crazy temper. You guys and everyone said it was because I was redheaded, and I believe it had it had something to do with hair color.

Speaker 2:

I never got that, but I believed them and, man, I had a wild temper and, luckily, at some point I was like. I was like, man, this will ruin my marriage, this will destroy my marriage and my relationship with my future children. It's got to go. And so you know, kind of ask your questions like working on me and the things I do to have a better we. The best thing I can do is is work harder on myself than I do on anything else and go in and face face the things that that are keeping me back, uh, weaknesses, fears, insecurities, of which I had a massive pile and, and you know, and to to face those is challenging and daunting, but, man, it was. The most important work I did was to work on myself and was there something in?

Speaker 1:

oh, I'm so sorry I was gonna say, is it more like a light? Did a light switch flip? Or was it like this months and years of like uh there were.

Speaker 2:

There were light switch moments, but I was a slow learner, so everybody listening like don't take as long as I did when you hear things like this, like act on them. And so it was. It was incremental, but it really the light kept shining on my own weaknesses, my own obstacles, and it's like I gotta. I gotta fix that, Like I gotta be the best I can be for my wife or for my children. I'm committed to this and so I'm willing to change anything I have to change. I had to overcome my shyness, my timidity. You guys, I couldn't look a person in the eye. That's how shy I was. And I couldn't talk. I couldn't even raise my hand and answer questions in high school. I was like no way, I'm not talking, and so I had to face all of that stuff so that I could be there as the husband and father I.

Speaker 3:

I wanted to be and needed to be. You're so honest about a wicked temper. I mean thank you for being so candid with us. Was there one thing in particular that you did to help with that? That that outburst of anger? I think many of us can relate to that?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, was it just a combination? It was an experience I saw one day. I was just driving down the road and I saw this gentleman. I saw the whole thing. It was just a little bit of. Somebody was cutting him off in traffic, not even close to an accident, and he jumped out. He was in his 60s and he jumped out. He was in his sixties and he jumped out absolutely unglued, unhinged, wild crazy, wanting to fight everyone. And I was sitting there. I was probably 20, 21. And I was looking at this man who's in his sixties, and I was like he's and I don't know, maybe he's had a horrible day, a horrible situation, maybe I don't know.

Speaker 2:

I don't know, but the moment was a lesson for me, like I don't want to get into my later years and still act like that. I'm done. So I read this phenomenal discourse called agency and anger and it just says you don't have to choose, you know you lose your temper. And like, no, you don't, you don't lose your temper. And he says he says nobody can make you mad. And it was like this first aha moment. So I'm like, hey, I'm done. I'm done being angry Like this. Is it? I made my commitment. Ironically, the next morning I walked out and my car window was shattered and my car stereo was stolen. It was like the universe was testing me Right and I remembered my commitment. So I'm like I'm not getting mad, I am not going to get mad, I literally did not let it affect me emotionally and that was that was it. That was, that was the end of the crazy temper.

Speaker 3:

My gosh, that's impressive. I'd love to ask you this what do you think separates an ordinary marriage from an extraordinary marriage, the one that you've seen, the question of questions.

Speaker 2:

It's the extra right. It's the extra right, it's the extra in front of the ordinary, it makes it extraordinary. And I'll preface this, listeners, by what I'm about to say. Seems crazy, but it's totally doable. And when Rachel and I got married, we thought you know, we're going to create an extraordinary marriage. We're not going to settle for okay, we're not going to settle for good, we're not even going to settle for great, we are going for a genuinely extraordinary marriage. And so it's that extra effort. So we started thinking, well, okay, what's the extra effort? What is it that actually makes massive difference? And, of course, it's making those big investments. And so the framework I use and I teach is we do micro deposits and macro deposits. So the micro deposits are the things we're doing every day Hugs, kisses, listening intently, receiving feedback, holding hands, you know. And then the dates right. But the macro feedback this is where things start to totally transform.

Speaker 2:

Rachel and I do a honeymoon trip every year. Now, when I say that, most people are like that's wild, but it's one of the best things we do in life and one of our greatest joys. Every single year we go on a honeymoon trip. And when it occurred to me. Finally, I'm like, yeah, why do one honeymoon trip when you could do one every year? Right, and so we go on a honeymoon trip every year and now seven kids and all these responsibilities and all this stuff we're doing. It's a sacrifice, but our marriage is worth it. And so we committed, like you know, we're going to do the big investments.

Speaker 2:

And so obviously it was different when our kids were little. We had lots of little kids and we'd take, you know, nursing babies come along, or toddlers. We'd have to wait for a little bit, but we started doing, tried to do an overnight or every month, or two months, tried to do a three or four night getaway every quarter, and then our big honeymoon every year. And that kind of just became this framework, this chassis for extra investment in our relationship. And it's magic, you guys, it's incredible.

Speaker 2:

It totally transforms everything when you make these big investments and you can even do it with, like, let's say, you do a date every week as a minimum, like that's a bare minimum. Do a good date every week minimum. Do a good date every week, but why not do a little half date during the week? On a on a wednesday afternoon you go for lunch or a wednesday evening, you just go for a little walk together and it's just your time apart. It doesn't have to be big, but it's. It's making sure that your relationship is the most important thing in your life and making the investments accordingly.

Speaker 3:

We believe. We believe that you are convincing us Absolutely. What other tips do you have, my friend, for couples who are longing for that stronger marriage connection? Just want to hear it all.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, when I hear the word connection, yeah, when, when I, when I hear the word connection, that makes me think of of deeper intimacy and, and obviously that's emotional intimacy and mental intimacy, spiritual intimacy it's, it's all of and physical intimacy, but it's it's getting to know each other more, it's understanding ourselves better, it's understanding our spouses better, it's taking down the masks and the facades. And you know the resistance and like saying, you know really asking myself how can I truly show up as my very best self to dramatically increase the intimacy we have, best self to dramatically increase the intimacy we have? And one of the greatest things that that occurred to me one day. It's great, but it's really uncomfortable.

Speaker 2:

I call it the silent film test and I asked myself what if my life were a silent film? You take away everything I say and it's just what I do. Would it be obvious to observers, to the people watching, that my wife is the most important person in my life? Would it be obvious that we are pursuing an extraordinary marriage? So obvious, in fact, that it would hold up in court? And for me it was just powerful to think like that.

Speaker 3:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

I'm jotting that one down. Hold on, that's goals right there. We'll be right back after this brief message. And we're back, let's dive right in Love. That, yeah, Other little tips or little things that you do in this whole thing is like intentionality, right, Because if you drift alone in your marriage you're naturally going to drift apart. Really, you know going down a river and you're not like holding on to. You know each other's two inner tubes, you know going down this, but man, it's, it's intentional effort is what you're talking about.

Speaker 2:

That takes work and strategy. Most of us just simply are not strategic enough. That's it. If we, if we just wake up and just instead of oh, my marriage is like this and we don't get along and it's so hard and so frustrating and he should do that and she should do that, just stop and say what can I do to strategically make incremental improvements and we get these ideas. I mean, god and his universe will conspire in your favor and give you insights and inspiration and aha moments to make those adjustments.

Speaker 2:

I think one other little thing that I do consistently and then I like to teach as well is just to stop and ask we don't ever do this and I rarely hear people even teaching about it but just stopping to say what's it like to be married to me? Right, which is it's a wake up call, because we're all sitting there thinking what it's like to be married to your spouse. But then just put yourself in your spouse's shoes what's it like to be married to me? And you know, am I pleasant to be around? Am I grumpy? Am I temperamental Like? Am I sometimes annoying?

Speaker 2:

And when I, when I'll hold up the mirror and look at it and then just take this and not to beat myself up I hope nobody's beating themselves up but just hold up the mirror and be like, oh, I can totally do that better. It's this little thing, this little quirky thing. Or when I wake up I'm kind of grumpy, or when I get at the end of the day I'm not real pleasant to be around. And if I just start noticing things like, well, I can change that, if I'm tired, I can still be pleasant, right, totally possible. And so holding up that little mirror and asking you know what's, what's it like to be my child, yeesh, what's it like to? You know what's it like to live with me? And and that you start making those little incremental changes and then you're so easy to be around and so easy to live with, so likable and lovable. As men, we ought to be easy to love and hard to kill, because we need to be tough, we need to be protectors.

Speaker 3:

Easy to love, hard to kill.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, these are nuggets. This is great, greg. Let's be honest. All couples are going to have differences or have challenges. Stuff's going to come up. What have you learned over the 24 years of marriage about how to manage differences, challenges, stress between you and your wife? Are there things that you have done, learned along the road, that you can share with other couples who are? Man, this sounds nice, but man, we just butt heads a lot when these challenges and differences come up.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, which they do. You're living with a completely different human being, with different sex, who thinks different, lives different, the whole body operates differently. And you're like I had this dream that this was going to be a fairy tale. And now we disagree on everything and my wife and I are very different, and so we disagreed on a ton of things. But we agreed early on through some initial conflict.

Speaker 2:

We thought you know, we don't have to fight about this, let's figure it out, let's talk through it. Let's not get emotionally attached to our view. Let's try to seek what's right, not who's right. And so, like I said early on, we, we, we would turn to books like, okay, let's just read, let's let's read the same book, let's discuss it. Let's go out and read all kinds of books and discuss those. Let's.

Speaker 2:

Now let's listen to podcasts, let's educate ourselves, let's inform ourselves, let's work through this and see all the angles without getting emotionally attached or upset. And we don't have to get mad at each other because we have different opinions. Let's just keep working through this and around it. See it like a rotisserie chicken. Let's keep turning this idea and very often you realize whoa, I'm, I'm just feeling hangry. That's why I'm, we're kind of upset and like I need some food.

Speaker 2:

Or sometimes you're like, oh, I've just been feeling kind of down and discouraged about you know what's happening at work, or I didn't get him enough sleep last night. So very, very often a couple's needs like you need a nap and a good dinner, then let's talk about it. Or why don't want to read some books? Let's get get in a good mental emotional state, then let's talk about it. And so instead of letting it escalate to ugly regretful things like let's let's put a pause on that and circle back. But we have to circle back. I know some couples are like let's talk about later and then they never talk about it again.

Speaker 3:

We never go back to it. Good point. You know, when I think about men, I mean just think about the tremendous pressure that they're under. It really goes out to men Husband, father, family man, protector, provider, presider. How can men, what's your advice best handle some of those tremendous pressures?

Speaker 2:

Greg, yeah, so I love, I love, liz, that your heart goes out to them. Mine doesn't. Mine's like let's go, boys, buckle up. And I okay. And I say that. I say that in jest and kind of in seriousness because I understand the pressure, massive pressure. And I used to in jest and kind of in seriousness, because I understand the pressure, massive pressure, and I used to let the pressure crush me and I work with men every day, every single day, who are feeling crushed by the pressure. So I get it and it's real, it is very real. But here's what I know about men because I get to work with them every single day.

Speaker 2:

I've worked with thousands of men across five continents for over two decades. Men have this unbelievable capacity to grow and improve, to handle more. So when I work with men I say increase your capacity. It's like if you have these glass beakers next to each other, we're overflowing. In the small one, you pour everything in, it's just spilling over. And I used to be that guy. And then you realize no, I can have greater capacity. So you take the small cup and you pour it in the bigger one and it only goes up halfway. You're like I'm handling everything before and I have room for more. Now let's have another baby right. Let's start a side business, let's chase our dream, let's remodel the house and you continue to increase your capacity and and a lot of it is well.

Speaker 2:

It's two part One you have to, we have to change our mindsets, and so I just I just shout this from the rooftops. When I talk to men, I'm like men, just ingrain this in your head. I eat pressure for breakfast. Right, embrace it. Men are built for this. We are made for this to handle pressure, to be the lighthouse in the in the storms and the tsunamis. Like now, I eat pressure for breakfast and a little extra for dessert. Like let's go and then get strategic about increasing the capacity, and I get to do this every day. So, like I have hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of examples of men who step in under all that weight and pressure, I'm like, hey, let's, let's get it, let's get it and help you optimize your life. So you're handling it all like an absolute champ and being a king, in your kingdom.

Speaker 1:

Do you have you talk about examples. Do you have an example or two of someone that you kind of help change the mindset Because it was like no, you know an example or two of someone that you kind of help, I mean, to change the mindset because it was like no, you know, so much pressure I'm gonna, I'm gonna cave, and then kind of helping them understand, man, you're capacity, you get, yeah, you get more capacity than you think yeah, um, I there.

Speaker 2:

I can think of a couple gentlemen who came to me. Good guys, good guys, good marriages, good families, businesses, things are going well, a lot of success. But they were being crushed under the pressure and the first thing I always start with is like getting your body in in peak condition. And so I'm like we gotta, we gotta, look at that. So you have so much energy and vitality, like you're, you pop out of bed like let's go and you have reserves after a full day's work, so your poor family isn't getting just mere leftovers. And so we're going to dramatically increase your energy and the men I work with, after we go through even just a week, they'll write back like I haven't felt like this since high school, or I was an athlete at university. Like this is unbelievable. And so we boost their testosterone levels and, in natural ways, we help them drop the excess weight and get into a physical condition where you're, you feel awake, energized and alive every day.

Speaker 2:

That one thing think about that and everybody listening. Just think, if you had twice as much energy as you currently do, how would that affect what you're facing and what you're feeling? You feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed If you double your energy, like I got this. And then you go through each area of your life and strategize like, well, how could we do this in an easier way? How can we set up systems Right? My, my wife is an absolute master of this created um, all these charts and systems and, and so that's how we and she homeschools. When we world schools, we've taken our children to 60 countries and do the education and all the stuff and things right and it's all dialed in. It's amazing, because we set up systems that make it easy for us to do more with less stress.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you would have to set up systems right. Yes, exactly that many people and that complicated but beautiful life view. I mean, what a blessing for your family too, and the rest of us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, now I'm going to do the flip side of what Liz was talking about. As far as men, there's a lot of women, listeners or wives that are thinking man, you know, my husband needs to listen to this, or whatever. You know tips for them on the flip side, because you don't want them to be like honey, you need to do. You know you got better capacity, kind of making him feel like geez. You know, feeling attacked. I guess what describe an approach?

Speaker 2:

I guess a helpful approach for a wife listen to this yeah, um, this is one of the most frequent questions we get is from these awesome wives who are like how can I help my husband? I love, just love women and honor women, because they're the ones out seeking improvement. They want things to be better, and I love that and I honor them and I wholeheartedly believe and I'm sure you guys see this a lot in your work I wholeheartedly believe and cheer. I think one of the roles of the feminine is to help the masculine be better, not to subdue it, not to tame it, not to cage it, to refine it Right. And so I think women need to tactfully ask and lead and help their men to to level up and do more and to chase big dreams and goals and keep that fire lit inside of him. But, um, as as you all know, men also need to feel respected, and so if they don't feel respected, especially by the woman who matters most in his life, those words and those feelings can be crushing.

Speaker 2:

And so what we love to tell wives is praise, and this goes both ways, but praise massively, praise and reward the things that you love, and so the good things that he does. Oh man, tell him. I just tell wives I'm like just tell your husband like, wow, that is so sexy when you do that and watch what happens. He's going to do that all the time. He's going to become the master of that thing. He's going to take off and chase that greatness. And if we are encouraging and loving and occasionally giving that constructive criticism, we keep men chasing big dreams and slaying dragons out of that love and affection they have for their wives partners are powerful.

Speaker 3:

We're powerful right both directions, it seems like yes, and need each other so much. Yeah, we, we desperately do, and I really appreciate your candor about the power of a woman. Our femininity seems like a more feminine I am, the more masculine my husband can be you know, perhaps it's 100 yeah, yeah yeah, that's so true, the good red.

Speaker 1:

Uh, you've counseled with. You talk with a lot of um, men, even women and couples. What would you say are some of the most common obstacles that you man, you see kind of these trends or see these similar obstacles, challenges, stresses, um, and how do you help them overcome those? Come, overcome some of the most common ones.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I would say and I'd be interested and curious to see what you guys see I would say sex is probably the biggest one right now, just really, and there's lots to that. But it's so important that both feel comfortable and feel desired and have that deep sexual connection, because my wife and I like to teach that sex is the linchpin to marriage. It's not the only part, but man, it's an absolutely critical part and it's the one thing that separates out all other relationships and a sex life can and should be really great. And again, if we're just, we're open about it and we work on it and we we make adjustments and refinements and we get strategic about it and really talk through it, that it can be amazing. And so, uh, I worked with a couple of couples last year that they were really struggling, in fact.

Speaker 2:

Um, they were, they were both on the edge of divorce. They reached out and they said, hey, it's, it's about to be done. These are good people, good families, and they they're just like you know, I. I think it's done. If we don't resolve this issue, it's done. And within a short time, the, the fighting had subsided massively, the sex life had gone up dramatically, and they're reaching out saying we we've never had this much sex and this much intimacy and connection and love and romance and passion like it's. It's back to this kind of what we dream about, what we all hope for. But I'll say, this is so powerful, we do not live at the level of our hopes, we live at the level of our habits.

Speaker 1:

Action. Yeah, this stems back to what you talked about earlier. You're prioritizing man, middle week lunches and getaways and quarterly right and honeymoons and things. Because if couples are not actually intentionally creating those rituals of connection, then man, I think that they slowly drift apart and resentment comes and it spills over into other areas of our life. But man, I think it does A lot of that, will affect, absolutely influence the sexual relationship of the relationship. All these other things nitpicking, resentment, frustration and stuff that it all spills over into that most intimate of connections Exactly.

Speaker 2:

And you described that very well.

Speaker 1:

Man Well, greg, we want to ask you a couple of questions that we ask all of our guests as they come on, in honor of the name of our podcast, called Stronger Marriage Connection. What do you feel like is the key, or keys, to a stronger marriage connection?

Speaker 2:

I would say one of the things that stands out the most to me is men learning how to really truly listen to their wives. Um, at least for myself and a lot of men I work with, it's it's not natural, it's not like we kind of don't get it. Uh, men like to retreat and think in their heads and, you know, process things and then say things. And, and many women like to speak out loud and like to process out loud and it can often sound like complaining or frustrations or whatever. And so men are like I hear and I laugh, I chuckle because it's kind of funny, but actually it's really sad where I hear of men, their wife's like, hey, baby, I talk. He lays down on the bed, grabs the pillow, covers his face and says baby, I talk. He lays down on the bed, grabs the pillow, covers his face and says okay, I'm ready, go ahead. Or the other guy, he's on the side of the bed, he turns away, he just puts his head down in his hands and he's like, oh, go ahead, he just has to endure her venting.

Speaker 2:

I said, gentlemen, if you'll stay fully engaged, hold her hand, ask like, let her process out loud, don't say anything, don't take it personal. Just let her talk through it out loud and watch what happens. It is magic. She just gets to feel better and you don't have to be all upset and bothered and feel attacked or anything. You just listen, really, truly listen, and ask her. You know, pursue the depth that she has, ask her about her day, but then ask her about her dreams, ask her what's weighing her down, what she's worried about, and be man enough to handle that. The sometimes the vomiting or the explosions or whatever, and the tears Great, sit with it and let her process. Man, if we will just lean in to being world-class listeners, that increases connection in a marriage big time.

Speaker 3:

That's pretty cool, you know great. John Gottman says something similar to men. That's pretty cool. John Gottman says something similar to men. When a woman's upset, he goes baby, when you're hurting, the whole world stops and I listen. Yes, I like that. Yes, men have such power. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

But I think we just don't know. We've never been exposed to it. We weren't taught by our fathers how to do it. I didn't know, I never saw it and I learned the slow, hard way.

Speaker 2:

And finally, okay, I'll say this to the women I was clueless and my wife expected me to know. And finally, in exasperation, she's like no, you sit there, you look at me, you hold my hand, you keep your mouth shut and you just listen. I'm like oh, I can do that. I thought you wanted me to respond and solve all your problems until you, you didn't have to feel that way and it's okay. And and try to stop it all. And she's like no, just sit there with me, stay with me and listen. And it changed everything. And so ladies listening like, let your husbands know it's I know it gets frustrating, right, he should know. I shouldn't have to tell him I hinted. I'm like we're clueless, we're not catching any of the hints, we're missing it. So, for the slow people like me, just tell us. And I was like okay, I got this now. And it changed everything, cause I can just sit and listen.

Speaker 3:

Beautiful, kind of like. Let me give you the roadmap to me right.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

So much good information, Greg. You've written books and have a podcast, you have a masterclass and so much more. Where can our friends, family here find out more about you and the resources that you offer? Please?

Speaker 2:

So my wife and I do a podcast together. We co-host a podcast called the Extraordinary Family Life Podcast, where we tell all of our stories of wandering all over the planet, yep All the adventures and the cool things we're learning, and strategies strategies for parenting and marriage. Then I host a podcast for men called the Formidable Family man Podcast, and of course we're on social media.

Speaker 3:

The Formidable Family man.

Speaker 2:

Yep, formidable Family man. So you can find us on Instagram and Facebook and connect out. We live for this. It's part of our life's work to strengthen families. We love this stuff.

Speaker 1:

Happy to help. We need more Greg Dennings and your wife. Yeah, rachel, yeah, so good. What would you say is a as a takeaway? We want to leave our listeners at the end of each episode with a takeaway of the day, kind of a message you hope our listeners will take away and remember from our discussion. What would that be?

Speaker 2:

yeah, I guess I would. I want to encourage anybody listening to in the healthiest way possible not settle, Don't acquiesce. Keep pursuing this dream and desire. You have to have a phenomenal marriage Totally possible, it can be done, Change can happen and little adjustments make a big difference.

Speaker 2:

But just don't settle. We get so tempted when it's hard and we feel like we've tried everything. You just want to think, oh, I guess this is just the way it is. We're just going to keep fighting, or it's going to be cold, or I just settle in and we're going to be roommates for the next 30 years and like and. So I'd say don't settle, don't give up, Just keep adding, keep working on yourself, keep working on the marriage.

Speaker 2:

And and it changes the equation. Rachel and I one day we were talking about the marriage equation and it's like this very simple formula but if, if two plus two equals four, and I start working on myself, then maybe I become a 3 and a 4. Well now, 4 plus 2 is 6. The marriage is better, even if at the moment I'm the only one working on it. So if I become better, my marriage becomes better and I start being the tide coming into my family. And when the tide comes in, it lifts all the boats right. A rising tide lifts all boats. So be the tide, Come in and lift all the boats. Lift your spouse, lift the kids, lift the family culture and dynamics. Change the family legacy and do it joyfully, and watch how it starts to transform family life and marriage. It's amazing.

Speaker 1:

I love that. That is really good. It starts with that intentionality too. Keep coming back to that, liz. What about you? What's your take on it?

Speaker 3:

The power of one. That is just so cool, isn't it? I'm struck. I thought about this question before, greg, but I'm going to think about it with more intentional purpose, and that is what's it like to be married to me? And I think I'm not just going to ask the woman in the mirror, but I might even be courageous enough to ask my husband and to really take serious notes what's it like to be married to me? I really want to know. Oh, I don't really want to know, but I, but I do want to know. You know, I do want to know. I think that's just a brilliant, brilliant thought beautiful.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for that. That's, that is the next level right there.

Speaker 3:

So ask yourself, then ask your spouse and then get to work well, today, my friend, what's, what is the richest nugget you hope we'll all remember from our time today with Greg Denning? Yeah, greg, what's the heck?

Speaker 1:

with you. This has been awesome. I mean, honestly, I couldn't take notes because I'm doing this, but I'm going to actually re-listen to this episode and go through and just take a bunch of notes, film test, for some reason that just hit me. That, you know, would someone convict me of an extraordinary marriage? Just, you know, if they didn't hear anything that I said and just watched how I treated my kids, my spouse, my sweetheart, other people, you know, what would they say at my funeral if they could only see, yeah, what I did, my actions. That got me, man, that got me. So that is love it. Uh, love it, my friend. Well, greg, thanks so much for coming on, making time for portugal. Um, thank you for being you, for you and your wife, for the influence that you are. You're helping couples and dads and men and and families. This is the, this is a great word, brother. I appreciate you coming on and sharing wise wisdom.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, thank you and thanks you guys for what you do. It's the best thing there is and it's the most important work. If we can heal families and it starts with healing marriages we can heal marriages. To heal families, we literally start to transform the world.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I get an amen, oh man, yeah, yeah, preach, greg, this is good stuff, oh man. Well, thanks so much for coming on again to our listeners. Thanks for tuning in. Hope you got as much out of this as we did and we'll see you next time on another episode of Stronger Marriage Connection.

Speaker 3:

And remember it's the small things that create a stronger marriage connection. And remember it's the small things that create a stronger marriage connection. Take good care of you and each other. Bye-bye now.

Speaker 1:

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at Stronger Marriage Life, and Facebook at Stronger Marriage, so be sure to share with us which topics you loved or which guests we should have on the show. Next, If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit StrongerMarriageorg, where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.