Stronger Marriage Connection
It's often said that marriage takes work. The Stronger Marriage Connection podcast wants to help because a happy marriage is worth the effort. USU Family Life Professor Dr. Dave Schramm and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liz Hale talk with experts about the principles and practices that will enhance your commitment, compassion, and emotional connection.
More than ever before, marriages face obstacles, from the busyness of work and daily hassles to disagreements and digital distractions. It's no wonder couples sometimes drift apart, growing resentful, lonely, and isolated.
The Utah Marriage Commission invites you to listen and discover new ways to strengthen and protect your marriage connection today!
Stronger Marriage Connection
Marriage With MS: A Wife's Journey | Lindsay Kelly | #147
Lindsay Kelly shares her powerful journey of resilience as she navigates being a caregiver for her husband with MS, raising six children, and becoming the family's sole provider. Through finding support and learning to embrace hard emotions, she transformed her struggle into strength and now helps thousands of people facing similar challenges.
• Discovering her husband's progressive MS diagnosis that caused memory loss and mood swings similar to dementia
• Transitioning from stay-at-home mom to caregiver and sole provider for a family of eight
• Experiencing caregiver burnout while working two jobs and coordinating her husband's care
• Finding relief and stability when her husband moved to assisted living
• Starting to share her story on social media and growing from 1,900 to 420,000 followers
• Creating a caregiver support group that grew to thousands of members
• Becoming a certified life coach to help others find their smile again
• Learning to embrace negative emotions without feeling guilty about them
• Setting necessary boundaries, even with family members
• Finding gratitude in small daily wins during overwhelming times
• Discovering who she is as an individual apart from her roles as caregiver and mother
Lindsay offers a free masterclass for people who feel lonely within their marriage, teaching them how to reconnect with themselves and find happiness again.
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Dr. Dave Schramm:
Dr. Liz Hale:
On today's episode of Stronger Marriage Connection, dr Liz and I are joined by Lindsay Kelly. Lindsay opens up about her journey of resilience as she navigates life as a caregiver for her husband with MS, raising six children and being the family's sole provider. Through counseling, coaching and the support of compassionate friends, she found hope and healing. When she began sharing her story on social media in 2022, her message resonated with thousands who related to her struggles. Today, as a certified coach, lindsay inspires women and couples to face their own challenges, teaching the power of embracing hard emotions, setting boundaries and staying committed. Her story is one of courage, hope and encouragement for anyone working through life's toughest seasons.
Speaker 1:Lindsay Kelly is a mom of six from Layton, utah, who grew a following of over one point five million people by sharing her everyday life, the hardest parts, the funny parts and everything in between. She's a coach who helps women who feel tired, powerless or emotionally alone in their relationships in life find their smile again. Her honest posts, coaching and videos have helped people all over the world feel less alone and more hopeful. We hope you enjoy the show. Hey friends, welcome to another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast. I'm Dr Dave up here at Utah State professor in extension specials, alongside Dr Liz Hale, our professional counselor and therapist. We're aiming to bring you the very best that we have in research and resources, along with some tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. All right, liz, I'm going to ask you first have you ever had any trials, any challenges ever in your life? Oh gosh, oh no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no no, that's what I thought. Just Liz's life is a perfect life.
Speaker 2:It's just a part of life, right, it's a part of life.
Speaker 1:All of us, liz right, have experienced challenges and trials and struggles, and trials and struggles. The research clearly shows this that one of the biggest differences between those who flourish and those who flounder is access to resources and relationships. So here to discuss her journey about overcoming the hard and finding life-changing resources to strengthen her relationships is life coach Lindsay Kelly. Welcome to the show, my friend.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me. So good to have you Happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Thrilled, thrilled. Lindsay, you know a thing or two about challenges and adversity. Can we just kick this whole thing off for our listeners who don't know about you, can you share as much of the story that you want about the unexpected struggles and what you refer to as the hardest trial of your life, and then we'll dive into a little bit about how you've overcome the hard and coaching and what you're doing now.
Speaker 3:Sounds good. Okay, so I'm Lindsay Kelly and I accidentally became a social media influencer by sharing my story online. And I accidentally became a social media influencer by sharing my story online. But it started out a few years ago. My husband was diagnosed with progressive MS and I had six kids and I was a stay-at-home mom. My husband was actually a seminary teacher for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and he was struggling mentally. And so let me take you back to when we first got married.
Speaker 3:My husband was actually diagnosed with relapsing, remitting MS when he was 17. So when he and I got married, I thought at some point he's going to be in a wheelchair. That was just kind of my thinking, because I knew people with MS and when my only point of reference at that time was my parents really good friend he had MS and he was in a wheelchair like my whole life. So at some point I thought, okay, my husband's going to be in a wheelchair. And shortly after we got married, he had some physical symptoms. So that kind of confirmed my thought process. So he had some of these physical symptoms and then it seemed like he had no symptoms. But all of a sudden my husband started having short-term memory loss and he was getting these really bad mood swings where he'd get really angry and then really depressed within a 10-minute period, and it was really out of character for him. So I had no idea what was going on with him and I was just like we were going doctor to doctor trying to figure out what was wrong. And he was physically fit at the time. That was what was crazy he was still running, he was still doing all these things like going to the gym and he just mentally was really struggling and I had no clue what was going on with him. I remember asking my brothers at one point I'm like is this what men do when they get in their 30s? Is this like a midlife crisis? Like I had no clue and at some point I was like I wonder if this is his MS. And so I started asking neurologists. I was like is this short-term memory loss, are these mood swings related to MS? And no one had an answer for me.
Speaker 3:So at some point the mental symptoms got so bad that we decided to check him into a mental hospital because neurologists didn't have answers for us. So we ended up checking him to a mental hospital answers for us. So we ended up checking him to a mental hospital and while he was at the mental hospital they were able to watch him and they said they. They called me and said, hey, I think you could you come down and meet with us. And I said, yeah, I'll, I'll be down. I'm like have I'm like in the biggest crisis moment of my life, trying to figure out what's wrong with my husband.
Speaker 3:So I go down to the hospital and I walk in. There's the doctors around, and then they bring in my husband because he was admitted there and they said we think all of these symptoms that your husband is having is related to his MS. And I was so this might sound funny. I was so relieved to have an answer. I had no idea where these mood swings were coming from and we were in an emergency mode every day in my life. I was just like, is he going to be happy or is he going to be sad? And just trying to manage these moods. So when they told me that, I was like, oh my gosh, now we know what direction to go. So when they told me that I was like, oh my gosh, now we know what direction to go. And so they said we need to take him over to the regular hospital to get an MRI and so that we can get neurology on board. And so he goes over to the regular hospital and he didn't have any active lesions on his brain.
Speaker 3:But what I found out is that the doctors, the psychiatrists, actually told me they said, because I was like how is this happening? Like he's not in a wheelchair, like my parents' friend. But the psychiatrist said I want you to picture two outlets on a wall. He said there's a wire that runs to those two outlets and he said what happens if you cut the electrical wire between the outlets? And I said well, they wouldn't work. The outlets wouldn't work. And he said that's what's happening on your husband's brain. So with MS there's scarring, it causes scarring all over your brain. And he said those scars are cutting in places that are cutting off, that are causing him to have these personality changes and have the short-term memory loss. And I was like, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. I'm so glad to know this.
Speaker 3:So from that moment I get in my car, I go home from the hospital and as I'm driving home, I have to call my husband's boss and I say, okay, he just got diagnosed with progressive MS. And his boss was like, okay, we need to get him on disability paperwork right away. And I was like what? So to me this may sound funny, but in my mind I was like they'll just give him a medication and he'll get better. Um, but that was kind of not. It was a little ignorant because I didn't know what to expect, but it was also like, um, maybe a little bit of denial, but luckily his boss was not in the emotional state that I was in said, well, if he gets better, then we'll, we'll revisit this down the. And he said, but we need to get started on the disability paperwork.
Speaker 3:So I get off the phone with him, I drive all the way home and I was just so overwhelmed and I remember walking in my front door of my house and just feeling so overwhelmed.
Speaker 3:And I remember walking into my home and my kids were all sitting there just laughing and playing and I was so grateful that they weren't carrying this heavy burden that I was carrying. And I went down the hall and into my bedroom and I knelt down to pray and I did not even know what to pray for, I just sat on my floor, just not even knowing like I really didn't have any words that came out of my mouth, and I remember God saying to me um Reed is no longer going to be able to be the companion that he once was, but because, uh, but I will be your companion throughout the rest of this life, and that was so comforting to me in this, this uh, huge, huge, huge, huge trial of my life that just started. It was like this official stamp that my life was being turned upside down. So anyway, there's a little glimpse into my story. I probably told too much of it.
Speaker 1:No, as far as like an update on where things at now.
Speaker 3:So after that moment, I got thrown into taking on all of my husband's roles. So I became his full-time caregiver. I was already caregiving for him, but I didn't really put that title on myself, um, at the time, but I was caregiving for my husband, I took on his roles of being the sole provider of my family and then, um, just being the full-time mom of my six kids so both the mom and dad, really and so at the time I was working two full-time jobs. My mom and my sister were helping me watch my husband as I went to work every day. He didn't want to come home because of the noise during that time, and so I had to put my two youngest kids in bed and then I would go get him. Get him in bed and then get up the next morning, get my kids out to school, get him up and ready, then get off to work and take him to my mom's. And so during that time I was getting burned out and it was going on for a few years, so from 2019 to about 2022, I I didn't know this. Did you guys know that caregiver burnout is actual medical diagnosis? Oh, yes, hey, I did not know that until my husband actually went to the assisted living, but there was a moment right before that that I went up to my parents' house and I was having this out of body panic attack, like I was just like I can't, I don't know how I'm going to do this any longer. This is so hard. I was just like go, go, go. And then dealing with I don't know if you've ever dealt with someone with dementia, but his MS was affecting him, similar to someone with dementia, and so it was like taking care of kids and taking care of him with these mid swings that were all over the place, and I was battling my in-laws a little bit too. They were not very nice to me at the time, and so it was really, really stressful. So the week after that my husband had to be put in the hospital and from there they were able to discharge him to a skilled nursing facility, and then they were able to get him into an assisted living right around the corners from my house. So instead of my husband going to my mom and my sisters, now he had a stable place with nurses who gave him his medication, and if there was something wrong they were totally equipped, and I was like this was the biggest blessing.
Speaker 3:So in 2022, he went to the assisted living in April and in June of 2022, I had this feeling that I needed to start sharing my story on social media to help others not feel so alone. So my main friends were on Instagram and Facebook so I was like, well, I'm not going to share on there. So I started a TikTok account and I posted a video and I posted it and the next morning I woke up and it had 6,000 views and I was like, oh my gosh, mom. I called my mom and I'm like this video has 6,000 views and I was like what the heck is happening? And so I started sharing my story and my TikTok account started growing and it grew to about 175,000 followers.
Speaker 3:But during that time I was still a bit of a mess, still feeling, still making mistakes in my life, because you have to find a whole new identity and it comes with a lot of mistakes, a lot of figuring out yourself, a lot of figuring out what you want, and so during that time I grew to 175,000 followers and then I stopped posting for about 8 months and then I went to this marketing convention and they were like there were all these other people sharing their stories and doing the same thing as me, where they felt they need to step into this, calling out inside. I was like, oh my gosh, these are my people. And so when I went home from that, um, from that convention I was with my son at that convention I came home and I knew that other people were stealing my Tik TOK content and posting that on social, on Instagram and Facebook. But I was just like I'm not planning to share my story on Instagram and Facebook. Those are my close friends and so whatever and some of my friends were saying, is this you and Reed, somebody stole it.
Speaker 3:But when I came home from that, my other son he sent me this video of a guy who had grown his account to 50,000 followers, solely stealing my content on Instagram, and this one video had 18 million views. And I was like, why the heck am I not sharing my own story on Instagram, facebook? And it was this other calling of like you need to start sharing your story. So I had 1900 followers. This is just I hope this is okay to say, but I had 1900 followers on Instagram at the time and 2400 followers on Facebook and I started sharing my story in October of 2023. And from October of 2023 to April of 2024, I went from 1,900 followers to 420,000 followers what I'm at right now.
Speaker 3:So it just blew up and I was a bit more than the followers.
Speaker 3:So it just blew up and I was a bit more than the followers. It was the people who reached out to me and said, oh my gosh, I am going through the same thing. I am so grateful you're sharing your story. And from there, I was able to start a caregiver support group that blew up. I created it and within one week, I had 500 people in my support group. It now has a few thousand people. So, yeah, it was just really crazy to see how many people were DMing me and telling me how my story was impacting them. And so then at that moment, I realized why I needed to share my story. But it wasn't just that I was impacting them. It was helping me feel less alone in my own life and through my own journey. I'm like, oh my gosh, there are other people out there who are going through what I'm going, and so that's kind of how, that's kind of my story, of like sharing my story on social media and how that all came about. My goodness.
Speaker 2:I can't even imagine. Just shows you what an underserved population this is. Yeah, those who might be suffering with this autoimmune disease some autoimmune and those who are loving them, caring for them yeah, Unbelievable.
Speaker 1:We'll be right back after this brief message. And we're back, let's dive right in all right.
Speaker 2:So all in in this wonderful, beautiful minutiae of life, you you found coaching sounds like yes, right, yeah, you're probably thinking where has this been all my life? So what is it that drew you to being a life coach, more than a therapist, let's say?
Speaker 3:You know more of a spiritual experience I had. I didn't even know what a life coach was, but I had this feeling I needed to be a life coach. I had no clue what it was, but it was another kind of calling inside me that I felt like I needed to be a life coach. And what was funny is I met this one of my friends now. I met her at a networking event. She was doing one of those networking parties it's one of my other friends homes and we got talking and she told me she was a life coach and I was like I want to be a life coach. I don't know why, but anyway. So she kind of told me about coaching and I decided to go get life coaching certified.
Speaker 3:And really when you go through coaching or therapy school, you are your first client. You work through all of your own stuff and that was such a healing journey for me to go through my own certification for life coaching because I was able to heal from some of the trauma I went through watching my husband decline and I was also able to heal from trauma that maybe I have caused in other people's lives during that process and it was a beautiful thing for me, and so I love coaching, I love therapy. I've been to counselors, I've been to both. They're all amazing. Everything was good. It was just that I had I was more drawn to coaching just because, for me, it helped me to look inward and to think how my own thoughts were creating the results in my own life. So it wasn't that this was happening or it wasn't that people were doing this and saying this. It was me that had to figure out that I was creating my own results in my life. And how did I really want to look at that?
Speaker 1:So, lindsay, I can't imagine this becoming the sole provider for your family and a caregiver now for your husband. You've got six kids. I'm curious about what you have learned about resilience perhaps that you could even share with other women who are going through this. Or how can they apply this in their marriage when they're tested by hardship?
Speaker 3:Okay, something I've learned about resilience is, first of all, you never know how you're going to react when you get thrown a challenge like that. Like some of the things that I've gone through, some of the opposition I faced, some of the my own self identity type stuff I never could have said, oh, this is how you should have done this perfectly. Now I can, because I've been through it and I've made the mistakes. But for anyone to say you should do it this way, this way and that way is completely wrong because they're not faced with the opposition that you're faced with or the overwhelming emotions that you're dealing with, the heartache and the grieving and all those things that you're faced with, or the overwhelming emotions that you're dealing with, the heartache and the grieving and all those things that you're trying to navigate and putting the puzzle pieces together in your own life and also wondering what the heck God is thinking about throwing you all these challenges all at once, you know, and so one of the things that I want to say is that one is God never leaves you alone, even when it feels like he's leaving you alone. That is when he's teaching you, that is his most valuable time, that he is helping you to grow. It just feels like he's not there during the hardest times, but he is always there.
Speaker 3:The other thing is you are more capable than you think you are, and just the resilience around knowing that you are stronger than you think, even in those low moments where you're like I don't know if I can keep going like this.
Speaker 3:You are stronger than you think you are because you keep going and you keep showing up, even when it's hard. And this isn't just for me, like how I was saying about those people who reached out to me on social media. I still get people reaching out to me or in my comment section and it's not just caregivers. I get people who are in relationships who say, like, tell me what's going on in their own marriage and they feel like they're sleeping next to a perfect stranger and they don't know how to navigate that. But they are, they keep showing up and they keep doing those things. So one of the things is that you are stronger than you think you are and you never don't listen to those people who are telling you how you should or shouldn't do something. If God wanted them to have your challenge, he would have given it to them instead, but he gave it to you so that you could navigate it.
Speaker 2:Well said you know my own mother had Alzheimer's disease and I remember when we first were replacing her in assisted living and I felt so guilty and I worried so much about what people and family members were going to say. Right, I imagine you went through some of that also before Reed went into assisted living as hard as it was and what a blessing it was. Was there some guilt associated with that?
Speaker 3:some turmoil for you it was a lot of relief and a lot, a lot of relief, because I was like, um, yeah, it was. It was like if my mom and my sister weren't able to watch my husband, then I had to miss work, which means that I had to figure it out. So I'm having to tell my work like, oh, I can't show up. So when you're having to take on all of these roles, and then, yeah, and you're having to lean on other people to help you, and so, like when my mom and my sister could, they're like, oh well, we can only watch him half the day today because they have jobs or they have things that they've got going. And so for me there was a sense of relief, knowing that there would be a consistent place, and I knew I wasn't going to like, it wasn't going to be just like. I was just going to take him there and leave him. It was just like, oh, I know that I can. I have somewhere that if I have a work trip or if I have, if I have to take my kids to a game, I don't have to call my neighbor to say, hey, can you check on my husband or mom, can you watch? Read for a minute while I run here. It was just this huge blessing, but yes, there was for sure.
Speaker 3:I went through a whole new grieving process when I had to take him to the assisted living and that's the one thing I found is that you go through the grieving process over and over, almost like I knew how long the emotion was going to last, like I knew that there was like a two week period of being sad, and there were some times where I'm like, well, I just know that this is going to last that long, and it's not like you can just kick it out with like having a better thought. It's just sometimes you just have to feel that. So if you feel guilty, you have to really look within yourself and be like why do I feel guilty? Is it because I have people saying stuff to me that I should be doing a certain thing, when they're not diving in to help me? But they certainly have my life figured out? And so there was guilt.
Speaker 3:But there was also sometimes you recognize when God is sending a miracle into your life, and that was like everyone my mom and my sister we knew that my husband needed a little more help than we had to offer, and so we were like holy cow, he gets the medical attention all the time now and he gets everything. So it was kind of this yes, you do have to go through those feelings of like is this what I should? I was like 30. Well, like 39 at the time. My husband was for 42, I think, when he went to the assisted living. So it was kind of this like, okay, we're kind of too young to do this, and so it was like you have to really get out of your head what everybody else thinks and you just have to do what your gut is telling you to do. And that was absolutely right for me and my family and even read.
Speaker 2:I have to smile when you say sometimes read will say okay, I think I'm ready to go back to the facility it's a little noisy in here at home. Yeah, yeah, he can't handle it all the time here which is okay, or even just sometimes he.
Speaker 3:It's hard to explain because they get a sensory overload, so even my kids walking across the living room too fast can be like send him. So it has actually helped his symptoms a lot going to the assisted living when it's quiet, right, yeah, calm, yes, yep, that is such a miracle, such a blessing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, your story, lindsay, shows how important it is to develop really a strong personal identity when life throws you these crazy circumstances. Yeah, what's your advice for women who need to? Maybe all of us could probably strengthen our own identity without feeling like we're pulling away from our spouse or family away from our spouse or family.
Speaker 3:You know, I think I would answer that in that, first of all, this has not been a perfect process for me, and finding your identity I've had a lot of compassion on people through like. I've learned to have more compassion on people who even go through a divorce or um, or just go through something similar to me is because when you get thrown something like that, you become bitter and you become. You lose a lot of strength because you're just like I don't I for me, I was like who am I without my husband? It wasn't like Reed and Lindsay. It's like Lindsay taking care of everybody. Who am I? Just by myself? I can't I. I used to be like, oh, let me talk to my husband about that. And now it's like I don't even have that option. It's just I've got to make the decisions. But one is getting to a place where you are emotionally, um, emotionally stable to make strong decisions in your life, where you're not people pleasing other people. Huge decision to get people out of your life who show you time and time again that they are not there for you, that they're there to complicate it or whatever. So, getting people out of your life, getting right in your own life, just being truthful with yourself. What when you're bitter? What decisions are you making to make your own life harder and so really getting good at making decisions in your life? Um, but you know how a lot of marriages they like. Well, you hear they say 50, 50, you bring 50%, 50%. One of the things that I've realized is I don't have that 50%, I have to be 100%, and I feel like that is the healthiest place for any single person to be, whether you're in a committed marriage, whether you're in a healthy marriage or whether you feel like you're sleeping. Next to a perfect changer is who are you sleeping next to. A perfect changer is who are you? Who? What makes you whole? Who are you with or without your spouse?
Speaker 3:I remember some of the moments where, when my husband was not doing so well and I didn't know what was wrong with him, I remember there was this moment where I was like sitting in my living room, I got my kids in bed and I look across the living room into my kitchen and I see my garbage can just overflowing and I was like I think everyone can relate to this in some aspect, but I remember thinking I have no one to blame if that trash doesn't get taken out. That is completely on me. I can't say, god, why didn't my husband take out the trash? It's all on me and I think a lot of. Why didn't my husband take out the trash? It's all on me and I think.
Speaker 3:A lot of times in marriages we have these expectations of our spouse that are unrealistic and you get to a place where you're like well, why can't I take out the trash? Why do I have to point at somebody else and be like that trash didn't get taken out because my spouse didn't do it? And so I think, becoming 100% whole, that can take complete ownership over your life. Take out the trash, don't blame it on your spouse, just get up and do it. If it bugged you that bad, then just go take care of it. But being 100% whole in your own life, I love it.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, I do, Lindsay, that's powerful. Lindsay, I know many women. They carry these unspoken struggles that can create distance in marriage right, Whether it's health challenges or other challenges in their marriage. Do you have any practices or thoughts to help women share openly, while also inviting their spouse into deeper connection rather than pushing them away? And it sounds like a lot of that through social media. Women are saying, hey, I can relate, or hey, this is me, in my situation. I guess the danger is, you know, here's this person can hear my story and it almost might create a wedge if that makes sense right between partners. Where's the balance there?
Speaker 3:I think you know, with going through this process, what I have come to realize is that every marriage is unique. I hear people saying to me God, my spouse left me when I got diagnosed with this certain illness, and I think there's two aspects to that. Did you have a healthy relationship before? Were you really working on that? Because a lot of people like me and my husband we had a really healthy relationship before. Were you really working on that? Because a lot of people like me and my husband, we had a really healthy relationship before all this happened and we also had a family together. So for me, I knew this is what God wanted me to do. But I also had a good relationship with my spouse, so I was willing to work through that with him because of the previous years of getting um, just really working on our marriage. It doesn't mean we had a perfect marriage, I'm not saying that. It's just means that we learned to communicate, we learned to listen to each other. We had our moments where we didn't do that, but, um, I think some of the tools is to stop. Uh, and I have this common theme. I feel like that's going on is like stop, people pleasing, and that includes your spouse. How are you showing up for your spouse?
Speaker 3:I think a lot of time we do lean on our spouse a little too hard without taking our own ownership over what we're doing in our own life to create, maybe, an unhealthy atmosphere. So, I think, making strong decisions for yourself. Who do you truly want to be in your marriage? Are you being that? Are you being that Like, completely take your spouse out of it and just focus on yourself? What is it you're doing to make this a healthy situation for yourself?
Speaker 3:Because if you make it a healthy situation for you, then you're going to your spouse is naturally going to be attracted to you. Because when you make it a healthy situation for you, you show that you love yourself enough to do that for yourself. And when you love yourself enough, you naturally attract healthy, healthy correspondence from your husband, you know so. So I would say that just kind of going back to that, make decisions like lower your expectations of your spouse and just make decisions that are healthy for you. Learn to love yourself and take ownership over that love for yourself in your own life. That's not a selfish thing, that actually, when you love yourself, it radiates. And so you're not blaming your spouse. You're just looking for the good in them too, when you learn to love yourself.
Speaker 2:It's powerful, right. I never would have believed that self-care or taking care of self somehow really determines the health of my marriage as well. It created a happier marriage. It changed how my husband responded. You know what I mean, so I love that. Showing up for self. Yes, right, we got that right. I think that's wonderful.
Speaker 1:We'll be right back after this brief message and we're back.
Speaker 2:Let's dive right in. Do you know? When we first started chatting today and we came on before we hit record, something that struck me so much about you is just your joy, your happiness and your gratitude. I don't know how many sentences came out of your mouth, but most of them were like oh yes, we're so blessed with this or blessed with that and blessed over here, and it was magnetizing and just so beautiful. And that's who you are as a human being, as a life coach, helping others overcome the hard and, you say, find their smile again. You're such a great example and model of that. What is it that you enjoy most about? Let's say, life coaching?
Speaker 3:for starters, the thing I enjoy most about life coaching, because coaching is really helping other people see how their thoughts are creating their own results in their life, and not necessarily telling them what to do, just more showing them that one thought is. So when you're angry at somebody or you're like my spouse is being a brat or whatever you are, when you have that kind of a thought it only reflects on your results. So when you have a thought like that, your actions actually usually show up in the same way of that thought, so you're acting like a brat right back. And so I think when you show people how their thoughts are creating their own results, then they're able to just look within themselves and be self-aware of what they are thinking. So that is probably the thing I love about coaching the most is helping people have these aha moments that they have complete control over their own life.
Speaker 1:I love that. And, lindsay, as a coach, do you have, I don't know two or three tips or you know, tools that you could give our listeners right here today if they're kind of struggling? And again, each situation is going to be unique, but do you have any I don't know go-tos that you love to share with those that you talk with?
Speaker 3:You know something that, as you asked that question, maybe it's a little bit off, but when you asked that question, I was thinking it's okay to feel negative emotions. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to really process, because when you go through something hard, you have a whole bunch of negative emotions and you're wondering how, how you got dealt these cards, and I think one of the things that was most important for me was realizing that it is okay to feel negative. I think a lot of Christian women, maybe even just Christians in general, men and women we feel so guilty when we're like, oh, I shouldn't feel angry, or I shouldn't, I shouldn't be feeling this way, or I shouldn't have these kind of thoughts about this person and be angry with them. No-transcript. That way, when we were never meant to come to this earth to not feel those negative emotions, we were meant to feel both so we could experience both. That is the human experience, and so that's probably the number one thing is to allow yourself to feel negative and not feel guilty about feeling negative. So if you're angry, don't feel another negative emotion like guilt because you feel anger.
Speaker 3:One of the strongest things I've had to learn is creating boundaries. One of the strongest things I've had to learn is creating boundaries. As my husband declined, there have been. I've had a hard time with his family. They have not been very understanding of me or anything, so it's been very, very difficult for me because it's like, oh, they're family, so I shouldn't be creating that strong boundary. But I would say in my coaching that is one of the things I push is I don't care if they're family, I don't care if it's your husband. That boundary needs to be created because you're doing something that's healthy for you and your situation. And if it's an outsider in your marriage that's causing problems, that person has to go. Because if you want to have a healthy marriage, if you want to have a healthy relationship, if you want to get to your end goal, you have to get rid of the people who are weighing you down and you can't care what they think. You have to be willing to be disliked by them and just be okay with it. And you can't care what they think. You have to be willing to be disliked by them and just be okay with it. So those are a couple of things, but I do want to say one more thing about the Just to you were saying you're so happy and you're.
Speaker 3:There was a moment there where I remember looking at people and I was so bitter and I was in such a bad place in my life and there were times where I would look at people laughing and literally just be like they were probably like why is she staring at me? But I was literally trying to borrow a bit of their happiness because I was in such a bitter place. So when they were smiling, I'm like how do you, how are you finding that smile from within yourself? And a lot of it is finding the things you're grateful for. Not thinking, oh my gosh, what is life going to be like when?
Speaker 3:But finding out what it is you're grateful for right now. What are you learning right now? And sometimes it's really hard to find those things you're grateful for. But I would be grateful that I got to shower one day, because my life was so busy that it was like, oh my gosh, I got to wash my hair and get ready all in the same day. And it's those little things that you have to, daily, time after time, be grateful for every day. Write them down and write down what your wins are and you're grateful for those wins. So it hasn't always been that I had a smile on my face that actually came from within Of course.
Speaker 2:Wow, I can't even imagine your gratitude. That really is just beautiful. It shines on you and I think it's just such a great advice for all of us, because whatever we focus on grows. I've noticed right Focus on the negative or the positive. What is good, as we discussed, you are all over social media and good for you. What a message you have. You offer different coaching options and resources. Can you tell us a bit about those and where people can find you and learn about what you offer, and then we'll add those to our show notes. Yes, I will.
Speaker 3:So I actually going through this process, I have realized there are so many people who feel alone within their own marriages. They have a hard time finding their smile because they might be going through something similar to me. I've met so many people who reach out to me who are just like how is it that you're happy in a situation like that? Because then they'll tell me that they're in a relationship where their spouse is capable, but they don't even talk, they don't even communicate with their spouse other than hey, we're going to take the kids here and there, what are we having for dinner? Just the basic things. They can't even have deep conversations with their their spouse anymore.
Speaker 3:And what I've realized going through my my challenges with my husband is that it's other people have so many challenges that they're dealing with that are it's all relative, isn't it Like? We all have our own kind of hard in our life, and I think one of the things with um with people is that they might be lonely within their own marriage, and so right now, what I do is I am having a masterclass where I help people um not feel so alone within their own marriage, and that's a free master class that anybody can come to and we can put the link in below this or wherever you guys want that, but I'll send that over to you guys. Beautiful.
Speaker 1:We love it. Yeah, love it. Yeah, thanks, Lindsay. Hey, as we wrap up, we like to ask all of our guests a couple of questions. The first one, in honor of the name of our podcast, stronger Marriage Connection is what do you feel like is a? Is what a key? The key or a key to a stronger marriage connection?
Speaker 3:You know one of the things I've learned? I always thought my husband was funny, but one of the things I've learned is to just laugh. Like I notice a lot of us we get mature and we're too cool to laugh at our spouse. Just laugh. Just laugh at what your husband says. That makes them feel good. It makes you feel good. There's not a you can't lose in that situation. Just laugh when your husband's trying to be fun or lighthearted. It's. It makes a lighter marriage.
Speaker 1:Lindsay husband's trying to be fun or lighthearted, it makes a lighter marriage. Lindsay, I love that. I just recently as a professor studying the science between smiling and laughter and it just releases. It does so much like neurologically right, chemically it can change our outlook, our eyes, our face, everything. So I love that. Yeah, thanks for sharing that. Such important especially if you get too bogged down, too stressed out, too stressed out. But learning to be like okay, hold on. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Let me see. Yes, Love that. And then we? Our last question is a takeaway of the day. Is there a take home message, something you want our listeners to remember from our discussion today? You want our listeners to remember from our discussion today.
Speaker 3:You know, let's see I probably have way too many, but one of the ones I would say is be forgiving of yourself, and just a lot of times we beat ourselves up and we can look at the things we've done or look at our past mistakes or look at how we handled things when we were in rock bottom. I think one of the things I've learned is to really forgive myself, but also to get honest with myself. Get honest with God. Just really recognize those things that you want to change in your life and keep. Keep God in the process of it. He's always there to guide you and help you.
Speaker 3:But really be forgiving of yourself. Through the times where you didn't know how to handle things or the times where maybe you made mistakes or you said something you shouldn't have, those things that keep you up at night, that you're maybe beating yourself up over, but just be forgiving of yourself. You've never traveled this path before. You didn't know that you would be so weak or you didn't know you'd be at such a low place, or even though you think you should have done it different, just be forgiving of yourself that that was just an experience you needed to have in order to become the person that you need to become.
Speaker 1:Powerful. Thank you, liz. What about you? What's your takeaway message from our discussion, dave Lindsay?
Speaker 2:You know, I have never heard about relapsing and remitting MS and you knew that when you married Reed, we didn't really know what that meant, right, what that was going to look like, but you had such courage, lindsay, to say yes, and you've been saying yes all along. What I love most about just hearing you talk about you are a caregiver and a wife. Soul provider, yes, soul parent, yes, but you are still a wife and you're so respectful. You have maintained the respect of Reed and it shows all over you, and I think that's just so beautiful. Thank you, no matter what, you still respect him and it's lovely, dave. What about you? What's the greatest takeaway from our interview today with the great lindsay kelly?
Speaker 1:yeah, lindsay, this has been inspiring. I appreciate you coming on and and sharing your your story. I love what you uh said just a few minutes ago about the negativity, right all I study a little bit with emotions and all of it. But you're going to experience emotions, all kinds of emotions. We're human beings. We're going to experience emotions, all kinds of emotions. We're human beings. We're meant to experience the anger and the shame. You know all this sadness and anxiety, worry, all of this. I hope that our listeners will remember that that it's okay to feel all the feels. I just like to say just don't set up camp right in the future.
Speaker 1:I love that Just don't stay there too long. It's not a healthy place to be. So seek out the relationships or resources like coaching, like counseling, like books or podcasts or whatever it is. Seek those out because those resources and relationships can help you through the hard. They can help you overcome those challenges and those hard times in your life. So, lindsay, we wish you the very best as you move forward in all that you're doing. We're so grateful for it feels like another advocate right in this battle to help people find happiness and hope and healing that you are a part of that. In these times and these days of challenges and struggles, you are a light, my friend. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing what you have. In these times and these days of challenges and struggles, you're, you are a light, my friend, so thank you so much for coming on and sharing what you have thank you for
Speaker 2:having me and thank you to read for letting us share some history. Yes, yes, you're so generous of both of you.
Speaker 1:My sound, he sounds awesome you're in this together well, that's it friends, thanks for joining us on another episode of the stronger marriage connection podcast. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and remember it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection.
Speaker 1:Take good care now to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at Stronger Marriage Life, and Facebook at Stronger Marriage, so be sure to share with us which topics you loved or which guests we should have on the show. Next, if you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriageorg, where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.