Stronger Marriage Connection
It's often said that marriage takes work. The Stronger Marriage Connection podcast wants to help because a happy marriage is worth the effort. USU Family Life Professor Dr. Dave Schramm and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Liz Hale talk with experts about the principles and practices that will enhance your commitment, compassion, and emotional connection.
More than ever before, marriages face obstacles, from the busyness of work and daily hassles to disagreements and digital distractions. It's no wonder couples sometimes drift apart, growing resentful, lonely, and isolated.
The Utah Marriage Commission invites you to listen and discover new ways to strengthen and protect your marriage connection today!
Stronger Marriage Connection
Regulating Your Emotions As A Parent | Emotion Savvy Parenting | Alissa Jerud | #156
We explore how to handle family “emotional storms” with practical, science-backed tools so parents can stay calm, help kids feel seen, and keep their partnership strong. Dr. Alyssa Jerud shares the ART and CARE frameworks, opposite action, and simple mindfulness moves that work in the real world.
• why emotional agility matters for parents and partners
• how ART helps accept, regulate, and tolerate emotions
• everyday mindfulness as a fast acceptance tool
• the CARE skills to lower arousal quickly
• opposite action to disrupt anger-driven habits
• validating feelings while holding boundaries
• using calm moments for quality attention and reconnection
• aligning different parenting styles without blame
• book details and where to find resources
Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show
Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend
You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage
If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Strongermarriage.org
Podcast.stongermarriage.org
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLife
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@strongermarriagelife
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Dr. Liz Hale:
On today's episode, Dr. Liz and I are joined by Dr. Alyssa Jared for a deep dive into the emotional side of parenting. We talk about why our goal isn't to keep our kids happy all the time, but to help them feel seen and understood. Dr. Jared shares her art and care tools, simple science-backed ways to help us manage our own emotional storms while staying calm and collected. Dr. Alyssa Jarrett is a licensed clinical psychologist, mom of two, and clinical assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania. She's the author of Emotion Savvy Parenting: a Shame-Free Guide to Navigating Emotional Storms and Deepening Connection. In her practice, Dr. Jarrett specializes in anxiety-related disorders and helps parents learn science-backed strategies for managing emotions, both their own and their children's. We hope you enjoy the show. Okay, Liz, we know from the research, even a little bit of research that I have done here at USU, that some of the toughest challenges for couples today are related to money, money, sexual intimacy, balancing time together because there's very little time these days. And then when children come along into the relationship, children can become one of the biggest stressors, not just for the parent, but it often spills over into the couple relationship. Today we're tackling parenting and how to remain calm as parents and connected as partners. And we welcome Dr. Alyssa Jared from the University of Pennsylvania to discuss this important topic. Welcome to the show.
SPEAKER_03:Oh hi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here today. Likewise.
SPEAKER_01:Alyssa, we're so grateful to have you. You have a new book. You have amazing resources, which we'll get to. Uh, so excited to have you on the show today. Alyssa, can we start with the um big picture? Give us the big picture of what you do with regard to uh parenting research, the specifically managing those strong emotions within ourselves and those of our children. How did you get started into this area?
SPEAKER_03:Great question. Uh, so I am really interested in helping people become more emotional agile. So I want to help them with whatever emotions show up in their lives, help them to skillfully navigate those and relate more effectively to those emotions. So I actually primarily specialize in treating anxiety-related disorders. So OCD, GTSD, social anxiety, um, specific phobias. And I also work with individuals to help them better regulate their emotions. So I provide dialectical behavior therapy skills training as well. And I've discovered over the years that I especially enjoy working with parents in this regard. Um, I'm a mom myself, and I found that those that the tools that I use, both in treating anxiety and in treating emotion regulation difficulties, have just been so helpful in my own parenting journey. And I found that they've been really helpful for other parents too. And so that's really kind of what led to me doing this work is realizing what I was doing every day in the therapy realm to my own life as a parent and then to other parents' lives too.
SPEAKER_04:Good. I can't wait to get into some examples because parenting, anxiety, those are big issues. I hear about them every single day, as I know you do. I we'd love to hear more about your approach, Alyssa. How does it differ from building upon the existing frameworks that are out there on parenting, like mindful or gentle parenting, and how can couples use it together to stay on the same page as parents? That's probably the hardest thing about parenting, I would say.
SPEAKER_03:I think we could probably do a whole episode just on all the things that make parenting so hard. But I think, yes, that is one of the challenges. And then the other thing is that there are so many different approaches out there to parenting that I think it can oftentimes feel really overwhelming for parents to know which approach is right for them, for their kids, for their family. And there are, you know, to your point, there are these frameworks that are great out there, right? Mindful parenting, gentle parenting. And I actually really um buy into both those approaches in many ways. And my approach is very similar to those in many ways. And what I found is that sometimes um some of the approaches that are out there really either skew in one of two directions. One is in let's um cater to the needs of the child at all times. Let's do whatever we can to keep the child happy, um, to help them with their emotions. But oftentimes that comes at the expense of the parent's own well-being. Or we've got approaches out there that really focus on the parents. How can we make life easier for the parent, but maybe then we're not attending to the child's needs? And so I'm really trying to bring in this approach that where I am bringing in evidence-based science-backed strategies for helping parents relate more skillfully to those painful, unwanted emotions that we all have at times, so that they can use those, they can model those for their kids, for their partner, and hopefully, in doing so, we can build deeper, more meaningful connections with their children as well as their partners too. Very good.
SPEAKER_01:Love it, love it. Yeah, let's dive in. You you talk and write about the importance of becoming aware of and changing our behaviors as parents. Why might it be helpful for both partners to focus on changing their own behaviors, especially when it's their children's behavior that tends to trigger emotional storms at home?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, well, I I will I'm gonna give a bit of a long-winded answer here. I will just first say that as humans, we are wired to want to avoid emotional pain or distress, right? When we're uncomfortable in some way, we want to try to make that discomfort stop. And so oftentimes what happens is when somebody else who we're in a relationship with is doing something that we don't like that's maybe causing some discomfort in us, it's so normal, so natural to want to try to get that other person to change so that we can feel better, so that we don't have to feel so uncomfortable. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you and your listeners have discovered, the only person we truly have full control over is ourselves and right ourselves. And when we try to focus on changing other people, oftentimes that ends up being kind of um that can backfire, right? Maybe we get our kids to change in the moment. But then the next time around that they do something that's really upsetting me, I may try the same tactic. And what do you know? It may not work. My kid may not change, right? And so then I'm kind of setting myself up for frustration. And in doing so, each time I try to change my own, my kid's behavior in order to not have to feel so uncomfortable myself. That habit of reducing my own distress by trying to focus on changing my kid just gets stronger. And so, because of that, I think we're much better off if we can focus on actually changing what is ours to control, right? Changing ourselves as opposed to trying to change our kids or, or I would say, even our ourselves.
SPEAKER_01:And it's it's so much right easier said than done, especially in the heat of the moment. And I'm frustrated, I'm trying to get my me, maybe my toddler some, you know, buckled up or get their shoes on and we're running late. And it's like, okay, it's all you know, it's their fault. It's so easy to uh yeah, to turn outward and be like, it's everybody, it's everybody else. And if they would just do this, right? Whereas if I would take a breath, right? I gotta get myself under control.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love we'd love to hear more about art. I I think that's just so fascinating. What are some of the art tools and how might these tools not only help parents manage emotions with their kids, but also improve emotional regulation and communication between the partners?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and so the art tools are tools that um are really designed to help parents uh to help anyone become more emotionally skillful. So they are tools that I adapted from dialectical behavior therapy and the anxiety uh treatments that I provide, exposure-based treatment. And they're really aimed at helping parents to accept. So it's an acronym. So accept those kind of painful, unwanted emotions, regulate those unwanted emotions, and tolerate those as well. So accept is all about how can I let those emotions that show up be there, let them, you know, stick around for as long as they need to stick around, welcome them even, um, without letting them necessarily dictate what I do or don't do, without judging them as good or bad. And also accepting other things that might be going on in my life, right? Like my environment, my um what my what my kids or partner are doing, what they're saying, all of those things that are the physical sensations maybe in my own body. How can they accept those things as is? Um, and mindfulness is a tool that we can use to help us be more accepting, less judgmental. And I could talk more about the reason for why that might be helpful. Why might it be helpful to accept, to not be as judgmental of what's happening within and around us? But that's accept. Regulate is all about how can I understand my emotions so that I can use that understanding to both help me make me less vulnerable to experiencing painful, unwanted emotions in the first place and to help me change those feelings when they do arise and aren't serving me well. Maybe they're pulling for me to act in ways that aren't gonna be so helpful for me, for my kids, for my partner. And then distress tolerance, those are the skills to help us in moments where, you know, an emotion has kind of fired. We're feeling an emotion in full. How can we feel that emotion and tolerate it without leading it to do something that we're later gonna regret that's gonna make the situation worse for ourselves? And so basically, within each of those, right, those letters, A R T, there are a number of mini skills that you can bring in to help us better accept, regulate, or tolerate those emotions.
SPEAKER_01:I I love that. Can you break one uh I don't know, some of those down, give us little teaser, teaser tools in each of those? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:How does that look? How does that look? Yeah. So mindfulness, right? Again, like I said, it's about accepting and and we can accept with mindfulness. So what is mindfulness? It's this, you know, buzzword that we oftentimes hear about. Um, and I think let all of us really truly understand what it is. It's, you know, again, kind of um, there are misconceptions about what mindfulness is. So when I talk about mindfulness, I'm really just talking about being present in the present moment, right? And doing so where you're accepting the present moment exactly as it is without judgment. So again, that could be really um noticing the present moment with any of your one of your five senses. So noticing what you see, what you hear, what you smell, what you touch, right? And it can be noticing things both within and outside of you. Um, and that can actually, with practice, mindfulness can help to sharpen our focus, um, help us better appreciate those, those positive moments and help us to better kind of weather those more challenging, trying moments with our kids, with our partners, or in other aspects of our lives. And it really, again, sometimes we when you hear mindfulness, we think about like um removing ourselves from a given situation, maybe, you know, going to a closed room, um, a quiet room and closing our eyes for 30 minutes. But I like to think of mindfulness as something that we can practice anytime anywhere on the fly. And we can do it in seconds, right? We don't need extended periods of time. Our kids could be shouting in the background and you can still choose to practice mindfulness, right? So you could just take a moment to notice your breath, not trying to change it, but just noticing it, or to notice what your kids' facial expression looks like when they wake up in the morning, right? Or do they look like they're, you know, feeling or they may be struggling in some way. Just noticing direct reason. That's mindfulness there. And again, the more we practice mindfulness, the stronger our muscles for tuning into the present in this non-judgmental way become. And that can actually be really helpful for deepening connection in relationships. So that's the first skill.
SPEAKER_04:Ah, okay. It's mindfulness that helps us accept, regulate, and tolerate.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it actually can be really useful. And I bring it in for those other, especially for tolerating mindfulness, can be really incredibly helpful in enabling us to tolerate those painful, unwanted emotions for sure. Yes. Yeah. But so mindfulness, I think of it, I actually introduce it as kind of a skill to help us be more accepting. And it is something we can use to help us regulate and tolerate too. Um, in terms of regulating, there's a lot I could say here, but I think one of the big things that I'll say is that um our emotions are much more complex than many of us realize. And I like to think about our emotions. I kind of think of them as being similar to a batch of cookies, which might sound a little silly, but if you think about a batch of cookies, there are all these ingredients that go into a batch of cookies, right? You've got your flour, your milk, your butter, sugar, chocolate chips if you're making chocolate chip cookies. And then, you know, you put them all into bowls and mix them all together. And what do you know? You have this beautiful, delicious cookie in the end, but you don't always see the ingredients that make up that cookie. Likewise, with our emotions, there are many different components to our emotions, and we don't always recognize all those components. And I don't have to go into all of the components right now, but what I will say is I um when we understand the many different components, then there are all these different points for intervention so that I can think about okay, the thing here are the things that make me more likely to experience a strong unwanted emotion. And maybe I can go ahead and alter those, right? Change those, those ingredients of that emotion. Or maybe these are the things that tend to set off an emotion in the first place, and I can go ahead and tweak those. So that's regularly, right? Can we understand those emotions? Then can we bring in skills to help us? So, just as an example, one of the things that I talk about, you know, for some of us as parents, there are certain things that are just reliably going to set us off, right? Or can lead to a strong emotion firing. Maybe it's when we start to have thoughts about our kids, like, oh my gosh, they're they're, you know, they're being so difficult. And then that leads me to feel angry and frustrated. So maybe could we go ahead and change that thought, reframe that thought, or relate differently to that thought instead of treating that thought as a fact, just let that thought kind of buzz around without latching onto it. That's an example of um how we could bring in a skill to help us regulate. And then for tolerate, um, again, I if we kind of stick with the kind of the ingredients, I call the tolerate skills skills for helping us to regulate or to tolerate what I call the secondary ingredients that make up an emotion. Now, all the ingredients that um we see, that we experience when emotion has fired. So when an emotion is in full swing, we're gonna have all these different um, we're gonna have like biological changes in our body, we're gonna have action urges, um, we're gonna notice that we're feeling some kind of an emotion. So, can we bring in skills to help us with those? And one thing that I oftentimes find really helpful for torrents is that usually as parents, when we're in the heat of the moment with our kids, we experience some really intense physical symptoms in our bodies, right? Our maybe our hearts start racing, we get hot, we get sweaty. And so the tolerate skills, one set of skills, are what I call those care skills. And these are skills that can rapidly reduce the physiological arousal that we experience when experiencing a strong emotion like anger or frustration.
SPEAKER_00:We'll be right back after this brief message.
SPEAKER_02:And we're back. Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_03:Um, so I can walk you through that acronym and what that means if you'd like, if that would be helpful. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. So the CARE skills are really um, for those of you who know dialectical behavior therapy, they're actually the tip skills, as they're called in DBT, but I transform them to the CARE skills because I find care to be an easier to remember acronym. And when we're feeling strong on Liton emotions, we really do need to take care in order to make sure that those emotions don't hijack us. Right? And so care stands for cool with ice, activate your body, relax your muscles, and exhale slowly. And again, these are skills that can really rapidly reduce arousal. So I'll maybe I'll go into the first one because I could talk about each of them for a while. But the first one I think is one of the coolest ones there is, and it is the cool with ice one. Um, and I will just say that for those listeners um who may have a heart condition or are taking a medication that can affect their heart, this is a skill that they'd want to talk with their doctor about before using because it can rapidly reduce the heart. So I've seen heart rates drop like 50% or more with within 30 seconds, right? So it's a really quick, fast acting skill. Um, and it's a skill that is designed to elicit what's called the dive reflex, which is what we experience, we're wired, programmed to experience when we are submerged in very cold water. So, what happens when we're in cold water is that our heart rates stop pumping as quickly, or our hearts stop pumping as quickly, um, in order to conserve energy and heat our core, right? So rather than sending blood to the extremity, the heart slows down to go ahead and heat the core. And we can elicit that dye reflex simply by putting a cold ice pack over our eyes so that it's you know covering our temples and cheekbones. So right in this area, um, you can put that over your eyes, or you could even dump your head into a bowl of cold water, which may sound a little silly and could be a little messy, but it works wonders. You leave it there for 30 seconds, and what do you know? Heart rates drop really, really fast when we do that. And what I will just say with all of the skills that I I you know talk about um that I bring into my work and to my fuck, these are especially these skills though, the the like the care skills are fast acting. They work wonders in very short time, but they aren't the longest last out. And oftentimes it can be helpful to layer them with additional skills, right? So maybe you bring your heart rate down by using the care skill done by clucking your head in a bowl of water, but then you may want to follow up that up with additional skills to help you show it more in in line with kind of the person you want to be in a given moment.
SPEAKER_01:Mm-hmm. Man, it's super helpful, like very practical things that they can start doing right now when they're when they hit that trigger, you know, or take that hook from their kids and they feel like, okay, I'm gonna lose it. So um love it. Absolutely love this. Um, so more about this understanding, right? What might be helpful for parents and and couples to understand about emotions themselves that could strengthen both their relationship and their children and their connection as partners.
SPEAKER_03:I'm gonna say probably the biggest thing is just recognizing that all emotions are there for a reason, right? As much as we might wish that, you know, our we didn't experience those painful unwanted emotions, or that our kids could just be happy at all times, our partner could just be happy at all times. We have those emotions for a reason and we wouldn't ever want to turn them off altogether, nor can we. So recognizing that can go a long way because then I can be more accepting of those emotions when they show up in me, when they show up in my kid, and when they show up in my partner. And that can actually help. If we can just set those feelings, let them be there, let them run their course naturally, that can actually help them to pass a lot quicker and can help us to feel a lot more connected, right? Because if if my kid is melting down in the grocery store and I'm feeling them to stop, like, you know, quick, quite crying, quick, quite quick, whining, I'm missing a really valuable opportunity to connect with them, run in there, to show them that I understand what's going on that and that I accept I accept them exactly as they are in that moment, right? Even when they're angry and I can still be there and love them and support them. And so um the more we can just recognize that those feelings aren't a bad thing and that we can be with them, we can let them come and go, the better.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, the emotions that are natural, that's it's part of why we're human beings is that we feel that's we're made to feel these things, and it's more about what we do next with them. I've even heard, I think it's Gottman that talks about the emotional mirror and just reflect that emotion. Oh my goodness, that is sad, or oh, that's hard. Oh, I know that you want that toy, or that's really frustrating. That way you suggest as far as kind of reflecting, help them name the emotions.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. There's that expression, name it to limit. And so that can certainly go a long way. Just like, oh yeah, that sounds so upsetting. Um, that can help. I think you can also convey acceptance, just even in, you know, moving a little closer to your child if they like to be touched, for instance, and just stroking their back, not trying to fix it, but just letting them know kind of I'm here, right? And and not trying to shut down the crying or whatever it is that they're doing in that moment. Um, yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_04:And some moments are calm, right? What about the calmer moments, Alyssa? How can parents use those opportunities, not just to bond with their kids, but also to reconnect as a couple and support one another?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. My the thing that I think is most helpful to keep in mind here is that um as parents, we are stretched thin, right? Oftentimes we're trying to juggle so many things. And I'm interested in trying to take off as many things from parents' place as possible. And so rather than tell parents, well, when things are calm, you need to get on the floor and make sure you're playing with your kids and entertaining them. I want to actually empower parents and encourage them to take that time oftentimes for themselves, right? So, first of all, I'd say you don't have to be with your kid every second in the day. Um, so you can kind of give up, like drop the role of entertainer. You don't have to be their entertainer. Instead, think about spending really valuable quality time with your kings in small increments of time, right? So maybe it's just like sitting down and mindfully noticing or absorbing them play for five or 10 minutes, mindfully participating and playing. And that's a different way you can practice mindfulness where you're actually not just noticing what's happening, but you're really like diving into the moment, almost like having this like pong style interaction. Um, so you can mindfully participate in your child's play. Those are things that can really help. And then the other time when we're not with your kid, now your kid can know that you're there, can be doing things that you want to do. Maybe you're with your other child or spending time connecting with your partner, or maybe you're getting some housework done, but knowing that you don't have to be there 24-7 with your child, I think can help. And related to that, I will say the more we can also welcome those emotions that show up in the home. Right. So yes, calm moments, but even in those calm moments, there are gonna be little scuffles, they're gonna be some uh grumblings. And if we can just let those be there, that's not a bad thing, we don't have to fix that right away. Option types that can also be really helpful.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, love it. Yeah, so helpful during that yeah, calm times. It's yeah, I care for you. Um I'm coming back to the triggered stuff because I I know I'm sure a lot of our listeners are like, okay, this is you know, I love the idea, man. It's so hard because you know, my my child, they drop their spill their milk or whatever all over the carpet, or they do something and it's and I just told them three times, you know, hey, you know, take that out. Oh, we can't have milk on the carpet or whatever. You know, they they hit that and then they just get triggered so fast. Is there and I and I love, you know, the mindfulness, the breathing, the the pausing, other simple little tools that parents in the heat of the moment with stress, anger, frustration that you suggest.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Um one of the things that I really love is a skill called opposite action, um, which comes from LBT as well as from the exposure-based treatments I use. And it's really about doing the opposite of what that emotion is pulling for. When that emotion is maybe gonna pull for you to act in a way that's not gonna be helpful. So um, let's say your kid has just done something. You know, you told them that, like, oh, if they keep throwing that ball, something's probably gonna break. And then what do you know? They shatters and you're just like, oh my goodness, right? And you want to yell, I told you so, right? If you can instead practice opposite action, which is doing the exact opposite of what that anger, that frustration is calling for. So instead of yelling at your kids, scolding them, shooting them, take a moment and try to act the opposite, which could just be maybe when you know the urge that usually comes with anger is to attack. Maybe it's to gently pull yourself away for a moment. Like, you know, I'm noticing I'm feeling angry. I'm gonna take a moment before I come back to my kids. So I can be a little more um kind of intentional about how I respond rather than just go on a autopilot. But maybe it's actually acting entirely opposite to that emotion. So trying to act in a loving way, even when we're feeling really angry inside. And that will go a long way. I'm actually thinking about an example relatively recently with my son, where he had this like um a big jar of beans. Um, but it's like one that where it's like a lid, you push down and it just pops open. And he was kind of just playing with them. And she's he's older, she's eight. Like, but he was playing with them, and I was like, oh, you know, sweetie, I think those might, those could easily spill if the lid pops up. And he was like, okay. And he was actually ready to put them back. But in the process, like they all spilled everywhere. There were beans everywhere. And I was busy doing something in the kitchen, and I remember feeling really frustrated. And I just wanted to be like, well, those are yours to pick up. And see, I told you, so you shouldn't do that. Instead, I did the opposite. I stopped what I was doing, I got on the floor with him and I helped him clean those beams. And I didn't shame him, I didn't scold him. And what do you know? He actually was like, I'm so sorry, multiple times. And you know, thanked me for helping him pick up. And so that's just an example of opposite action that where it could have turned had I not done that, had I shamed, had I scolded, but it'd been a moment of disconnection there. Instead, we actually got to connect and bond in that moment.
SPEAKER_01:I love it. That can that connection. That that because if you yeah, the anger and all that and berating and shaming them, all of a sudden, yeah, the that connection is is yeah, broken there for a minute. So I love the ability, even in the heat at the moment. It's you know, remember, it's people are more important than problems, right? It's being able to get down compassion connection. Oh, I absolutely love this. Yep.
SPEAKER_03:Sometimes I'll just add to that. Sometimes I remind myself in a moment, like I love my kid more than I love my couch or more than I love whatever it is, right? Like, and so, yes, maybe that got a little messed up or something like that. Or yes, maybe I'm gonna be late for this, you know, thing that I'm going to. But guess what? I love my kid. Like, I care about that more than about those other things.
SPEAKER_04:I love that acronym CARE. Alyssa's so cool, cool and ice. Activate, relax, enable. So, was that was that like the activate? What was that an example of of stopping what you were doing, getting on the floor?
SPEAKER_03:That was actually um opposite action, right? Doing the opposite of what those emotion urges were pulling for, right? Activate your body is more actually about doing intense cherobic exercise for 20 or so minutes to get heart rate up. And we can talk more about why that's helpful.
SPEAKER_00:We'll be right back after this brief message.
SPEAKER_02:And we're back. Let's dive right in.
SPEAKER_04:I can only imagine and then relax. What does that look like since we're on a roll here?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, relax your muscles is really um when we're, you know, when we're feeling a strong emotion, oftentimes we kind of get really tense. And um, it can be really helpful to take a moment to actually actually tense those muscles. And sometimes when you're feeling a strong emotion and then release those muscles and feel the difference, right? Um, because if I were to tell you just go ahead and relax right now, chances are you probably wouldn't feel all that different. But if you first go ahead and tense those muscles and then release them, it's you're gonna notice the effect, the shift much more, right? So it's kind of like a pendulum. If I just try to knock it at rest, it's not gonna go all that far. But if I first pull it back and then release it, it has a chance to swing much further. Same idea. So you can just tense individual muscle groups for three or four seconds and then release them for three or four seconds, or you could even do all the muscles in your body at once and just pay. Attention to this shift when you do release them. It's a great tool for falling asleep at night, too.
SPEAKER_04:And then exhale, exhale, is it in through the nose?
SPEAKER_03:And yeah, I mean, there's so many different ways you can breathe. And we all know that how we breathe impacts how we feel. But what I will say is that oftentimes parents, and in particular, I hear them say to their kids when their kids are upset, take a deep breath. And what do most kids do in the moment? They go, they take this big breath in. But we actually know that when we breathe in, our heart rates speed up. It's on the exhalation when we breathe out that our heart rates slow down. And so one way that you can go ahead and calm the racing heart sort of, you know, reduce some of that physiological arousal is to take a normal breath in for three or four seconds, and then a really slow breath out for five or seven seconds. That can help reduce the heart rate. And we can even slow down that process even further by taking another three or four seconds to kind of hold that breath before you take the next inhalation. So breathe in three or four seconds, out five to seven seconds, hold three or four, start again. I like that. You breathe in from the nose, out through the mouth, or if someone I usually will do actually through the mouth, out through the mouth, uh, breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. But if you're like in a work meeting and you want to use this skill, you can certainly do that and you can do it in through your notes.
SPEAKER_04:However, you can do it. Yes. If that's more discreet, you can certainly do it that way. Okay. Perfect. What's other suggestions you have for let's go back to partners who are not maybe seeing eye to eye when it comes to either parenting, discipline, emotional responses. How can they find that common ground without undermining each other? Yeah. This is tricky, right?
SPEAKER_03:This is really tricky. And I'm not a couples therapist. What I would say though is that for especially let's say one partner buys into some of the ideas I'm talking about here, to focusing on and controlling themselves as opposed to the kid. Whereas the other partners are like, no, just gotta change the kid. Um for the partner who's wanting to convince their kid, their partner to stop trying to focus on changing the kid, the more you can use these skills with your partner too, probably the better, right? Instead of criticizing, shaming your partner when your partner maybe messes up or scolds your kid, punishes your kid. Um, instead, right, just you know, talking about it maybe after the fact, circling back, not in the heat of the moment, but but later on when emotions have cooled down a little bit, that can be helpful. Going about it ideally in a non-judgmental way. So maybe that's where mindfulness could come in there, your partner. That's that could be really helpful. The other piece that I'll note is that if you could frame it as, okay, right, there may not always be a right or wrong way in a given model with our kids, but could we work as a family on becoming as emotionally agile or emotionally savvy as possible? And what might that look like? And maybe that looks like both parents seeking individual therapy to help them better regulate their own emotions. That could be an example. Maybe it looks like working on that together in therapy. I think there are many ways you could go about this, but those are some of my big tips there. Nice.
SPEAKER_04:And of course, you've written a book called Emotion Savvy Parenting, a shame-free guide to navigating emotional storms and deepening connection. What a brilliant title. And it says it all right there. So please please tell us a little bit about your book and where our listeners can learn more about you and the resources that you offer, please.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Well, I will say something exciting is that my book will be um launching as an audio book on November 18th. So it came out in May in paperback. Um, you did that, huh? Yeah, it's well, actually, I did not, I did not record it. They hired a professional to do that. They rejected me. Um that's a great offering, though, to have it on. Yes, as a parent myself, like I'm oftentimes listening to books while I'm doing laundry or dishes or something. So I really wanted an audiobook format. So it's coming out. Um, my book really, I try to pack it with these science-back strategies. So I go into more detail about each of the skills in the book. I provide lots of examples, including examples from my own life, because even though I'm a psychologist and I know all these skills, you know, foreign and back, I still mess up from time to time for my kids, right? Yeah. I'm human. Exactly. That's part of being human. And so I bring in those examples as well, as well as examples from patients, from family, uh, friends. Um, yeah, that's the book. And I I guess I'll say I think the book, if it in case, you know, just something to think about too. I think of it as this thing that parents can turn to just kind of again and again over the years. Okay, I have somebody who recently told me she intends to read my book once a month. I don't know if she actually will do that, but she said it because she was like, I think when new things arise, rate new challenges, it would be helpful to refresh, you know, my my mind about these things. So um it's ideally, I want it to be something that can be like this helpful guy you can turn to again and again, pick up, you know, what would the section that would be most helpful in a given moment and go from there.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, what a compliment. That's awesome. And then so we'll add that to our show notes. And then do you have a site? What your website is. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Yep. Um, my website is my name, so alysajarrett.com. Um, I'm also on Instagram occasionally uh at emotionsabby doc. Go ahead and spell that out. Alyssa, do you mind? Yeah. Um my name or the Instagram. And my name is A-L-I-S-A-J-E-R-U-D dot com. Got it. Thank you so much.
SPEAKER_04:Now people will know.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Also, I just want to make sure that listeners um are aware. This isn't like a parenting book for only if you have children, you know, zero to three or whatever, right? The focus is is it primarily on us as parents. So even if I have teenagers and man, they're triggering me and the stress, the anxiety, the worry. Is that is that right?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I'm so glad you asked that. Yes, I I wanted it to be ones that parents could use across the age span with their kids. And I would even say, like for parents who now have grandchildren or you know, just adult children, because again, I think these skills are skills that could be so helpful in any relationship, regardless of the age of the person we're date with.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, perfect. Oh, love it, love it. Hey, as we wrap up, uh Alyssa, we'd like to ask all of our guests a couple of questions. The first one is in honor of the name of our podcast, Stronger Marriage Connection, in your mind, uh what is the key? What is the key or a key to a stronger marriage connection?
SPEAKER_03:Uh I would say emotional agility. Uh the more we can navigate those emotions that show up, those intense ones, and not let them hijack what we do, what we say in a given moment, uh the more likely we're gonna be able to maintain that connection.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, because man, so often it just gets in the way of that. We often say to do things in the heat of the moment that we then later regret or we make these decisions or call names or things in that when we get hijacked. Ah, being able to regulate those emotions. Um, and then our takeaway of the day, if there's a message you would love our listeners to remember from our awesome discussion today, what would that message be?
SPEAKER_03:I would say we're all doing the best we can with the tools that we've got. Right. And we're human as parents. There's no such thing as a perfect parent. We're gonna make mistakes. And if we can remember that there are science-backed strategies that we can use to help us do better down the road, right? Um, that can go a long way. So being kind and compassionate with yourself when you do mess up so that you um can then think about how might you want to move forward from there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I love that man, especially Leslie, because I I think sometimes if we read your book or anything else and then we blow it again, then we get super down on ourselves and be like, oh my heck, I knew what I was supposed to do doing it, and I still I'm the worst, you know, that kind of thing. But it's no, we're gonna blow it, we're gonna lose it. Like you said, even you know, the the professionals, uh our audience is listening to this, even the professionals of relationship or professors, experts in this area. Yeah, we're we're not perfect people or parents or partners, right?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah, and we tend to do better when we feel better about ourselves. So if we're beating ourselves up when we mess up, we're probably not gonna do our best, right? And so I think that's all our reason to be kind and compassionate in those moments where we kind of fall short of where we want to be.
SPEAKER_01:Love it. Yeah. Liz, what about you? What's your takeaway of the day with Alyssa?
SPEAKER_04:You're so kind to let ladies go first, dear Dave. I think um, you know what I really was struck by? I love that that story, Lys, you said about your son and the beans. And the the point of that is doing the exact opposite. Gosh, if we could just if I could just slow down and do that more often. It's like, what do I what's the opposite of what I felt like doing right now? I think that's a brilliant suggestion. So thank you for that. And Dave, what about you? What's your greatest takeaway from our interview together?
SPEAKER_01:I love uh acronyms. Yeah, let's see. You're speaking my language with the with the acronyms. I love the art, the accept, the regulate, the tolerate. I think if just that in my mind, be like, okay, art, art, I can remember that. And so I get it. Mindful breathing and be able to regulate, tolerate emotions. Uh helpful. Just and again, simple little tips that people can start applying right here today. So super, super helpful. Alyssa, I can't thank you enough um for so many tips and tools for coming on, for your time today, for the book, the resources we're gonna put it on there, we're gonna promote it as well. If I think of parents, they just uh are able to have a few little tips in their tool belt instead of just the things that they maybe saw their parents do, but there's wonderful resources. And yes, I believe that parents are doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. And here is yet another tool, uh, a book filled with all kinds of resources. So, Alyssa, thank you so much for coming on today.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, well, thank you. It was such a pleasure getting to chat with both of you. Likewise.
SPEAKER_01:All right, friends. Well, that does it for us. We will see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast.
SPEAKER_04:And remember, it's the small things that create a stronger marriage connection.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you love, which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.