Stronger Marriage Connection

Growing Our Unity: Practical Science For Stronger Marriages | Susanne Alexander | #161

• Utah Marriage Comission • Season 4 • Episode 161

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We sit down with Susanne Alexander to explore unity as a daily practice and walk through research-based tools that help couples merge hearts and minds. Small habits, virtue-based praise, and playful rituals turn conflict into clarity and make friendship the backbone of marriage.

Susanne M. Alexander is a relationship and marriage educator, coach, author, and publisher with her company Marriage Transformation®, www.marriagetransformation.com. She meets with clients globally via the internet for relationship and marriage preparation and marriage strengthening. Susanne is certified to offer couples assessments and coaching through Prepare-Enrich® and for individuals with the Character Foundations Assessment™. She has completed Level 1 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Susanne has written or co-written over 30 books. Her most recent is “Growing Our Unity: 19 Vital Practices for a Thriving Relationship”, coauthored with Grant Peirce. Susanne is co-lead on Accordia Way, a project to assist couples with excellent communication and decision-making skills, https://accordiaway.substack.com/subscribe.

She is passionate about helping individuals and couples make good relationship and marriage choices through knowledge and skill-building and thereby prevent divorces. Susanne has been single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, and widowed. She is a child, stepchild, parent, stepparent, and grandparent. All of this has given Susanne a diversity of experience to share. She is originally from Canada and is married to a wonderful man named Phil Donihe in Tennessee, in the United States. They live on a lake and love to do romantic boat trips together that include nature photography.


• how lived experience shapes Susanne’s approach
• unity as a shared daily language
• 22 virtues that support connection
• Unifier 10 choosing to merge in a distracted world
• micro practices celebrations greetings and check ins
• bids for connection and sunset moments
• a commute tweak that transformed evenings
• rethinking conflict with the bowl method
• appreciation using virtue language to affirm identity
• laughter dates and rediscovering fun
• service balance and community ties
• friendship as the foundation for lasting closeness
• learning in action as a lifelong mindset


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Dr. Dave Schramm:

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http://drdavespeaks.com

Dr. Liz Hale:

http://www.drlizhale.com/

Speaker 1:

Today on Stronger Marriage Connection, we're thrilled to welcome relationship and marriage educator, coach, and prolific author Susanne Alexander. With more than 30 books to her name and decades of experience supporting couples through every stage of relationship life, Susanne brings both research-based insight and lived wisdom to her work. We'll explore her newest book, Growing Our Unity, and talk about practical, science-informed ways couples can strengthen connection, navigate conflict, and build unity that lasts. Susanne Alexander is a relationship and marriage educator, coach, author, and publisher with her company Marriage Transformation. She works with individuals and couples worldwide through online relationship preparation and marriage strengthening. Susanne has written or co-written more than 30 books, including Growing Our Unity: 19 Vital Practices for a Thriving Relationship. Drawing from both research and lived experience across every stage of relationship life, she is passionate about helping couples build skills that strengthen marriages and prevent divorce. We hope you enjoy the show. Our whole aim, our purpose really is to bring you the very best that we have in research and resources, along with a few tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. All right, today I'm interviewing a relationship and marriage educator, a coach, the author of 30 books. She meets with clients online for both marriage prep and marriage support, believing that vital relationship and marriage education is for all ages and often works in partnership with therapeutic approaches. Her latest book, Growing Our Unity. Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection, Susanne Alexander.

Speaker 6:

Thank you, Dave. It's great to see you again. I know we connected at a marriage conference two or three years ago. It's lovely to reconnect.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it is so great to reconnect. I actually remember that and sitting at the table and chatting with you. And now here we are. I'm so grateful that we're able to bring you on the show and looking forward to our conversation.

Speaker 6:

Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1:

All right. So we love your passion for helping individuals and couples across the board from making good relationship choices to building relationship skills and preventing divorce. You are also very forthcoming about your own life. You note that you've been single, you've been dating, you've engaged, you've been engaged, married, divorced, widowed, and that you're also a child, stepchild, parent, stepparent, and grandparent. How do you believe your diverse experiences enhance your work with clients, Susanne?

Speaker 6:

Well, Dave, I think it's important in these days that people feel a level of hope, that no matter what you go through in life, you can persevere and you can create amazing marriages. And my path has not been straightforward. I headed into a first marriage when I was young and ended up with someone with a lot of mental illness issues. And we persevered for 23 years, but then uh decided to divorce. I married again, very happy marriage. My company, marriage transformation, was born out of that marriage. And eight years into the marriage, he developed brain cancer. So I lost him two years after that. When I was ready to go back to dating again, I thought, all right, I still believe in marriage. I think that I can continue to contribute to the world through my marriage. And so I married, met and married someone else, and we've now been married happily for 12 years. Such an adventure.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, an adventure indeed. I and I just can't help but think that all of that um that learned experience, right? The experience that you have gone through, the highs, the lows, the challenges, uh, not only, yeah, your personal experience, your experience working with couples and all that coupled together. Uh, it makes sense now, right? That you would write all of these books. Congratulations, by the way, on all the books, uh, especially on growing our unity, your recent one. 19 Vital Practices. There it is. There it is for those watching on YouTube. 19 Vital Practices for a Thriving Relationship. I'd love to know more. Tell us more about why you emphasize this concept of unity in this one.

Speaker 6:

Unity is a vitally important word for marriage, but it's one that couples are not yet used to using on a constant and regular basis. And that's what I'm encouraging. I want couples to when uh when conflict or arguments or any kind of disagreement starts, so not at the full escalation point, but when it starts, I want them to stop and say, wait a minute, disunity is happening. What do we do right now to claim unity? And I ask couples to, on a regular basis, preferably every day, check in how is our unity doing? Is there anything we need to be doing to reconnect? Is there anything that we need to be doing to increase the level of connection and unity between the two of us? So I'm I'm advocating that unity become a word that is on couples' um minds and lips on a regular basis.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely love it, especially here on our podcast, right, with the focuses on stronger marriage connection. We absolutely uh believe that that is true, that that that unity, that that fundamental connection, that that really, you know, become that even that oneness, right, that we can become uh is vital, vital to our relationship. And much of the the book is is research-based, I understand. Tell us tell us a little bit about uh the science behind it.

Speaker 6:

My co-author, Grant Pierce, is a psychometrician. That's a great big word that essentially means he's good at creating assessments. And he created an assessment and validated it called the Character Foundations Assessment. What he did was then determine that there were 22 key virtues that help couples and help people build unity between them. And we used those 22 virtues that he assessed uh as one of the many themes throughout the book. Uh in addition, what I learned early on in marriage education was that we couldn't find key books at the bookstore about marriage and relationships. And I ended up earning the early days at a smart marriages conference and discovered that there was a tremendous number of authors and researchers and people who have great wisdom to share uh for marriages and relationships. And so I began in all of my books to quote them. So I have these experts and researchers and scientists uh quoted in the books, but in a way that is very accessible for couples. So it weaves the science together with the practicalities, and it helps couples then see that there is a strong foundation of science agreeing with the everyday practices of marriage.

Speaker 1:

Oh man, I love it. And again, man, this just rings true to me. Uh, in my own research, I've studied a few um virtues and values, these character strengths, and with Dr. Wally Goddard and others, but getting our hearts right. Um, so this is uh this is all just reading through. I'm just sitting here smiling, thinking, yes, yes, this book is so needed. I'm curious, uh, which are the 19 practices these listed in your book? Do you find couples seem to need the most in your coaching and and consulting practice? Is there a top practice, in other words?

Speaker 6:

The one I'm going to point to today, because I think it's a perfect fit for this podcast, is Unifier number 10, choosing to merge, because it's all about connection. There are so many distractions. There are so many things that pull us in opposite directions in our lives. And what we want for couples is there to be a merging of their minds, their hearts, their bodies, their souls. We want them to be very close together and to identify the things that pull them apart or the things that distract them and deal with them, uh, eliminate them as necessary, and to really highly prioritize being together and connecting. And so Unifier 10, choosing to merge is one that I think every couple that I meet with needs. We've got couples who are so often not dating each other anymore, right? And we want them to be spending time together. We want them to see that that daily connection is vital for their own well-being and vital for the well-being of the of the marriage and for their children. Um, it's uh an essential foundation, right? We've got marriage as the foundation for the couple for their family, and then their family is part of the foundation for society. And so that close connection is a huge contributor to the well-being of our communities and really the whole world.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't have couldn't have said it better. Yeah, Susanne. That's it's just pop.

Speaker 4:

We'll be right back after this brief minutes.

Speaker 2:

And we're back.

Speaker 1:

Let's dive right in. This this girl's getting married, and just saw that just so full of hope, right, and anticipation and happiness, and just starting out on that on that journey. I'm curious if you have, and it doesn't necessarily need to be for newlyweds per se, but do you have some simple, you know, daily micro practice, some some practical things that you can um share with our listeners to build stronger unity right off the right out of the gates.

Speaker 6:

I'm going to share one that my husband has taught me that we have found to be so beneficial, and it may be a little unexpected for you, but it's celebrations. And I don't mean necessarily big parties, although you could certainly have a party and um big celebrations, but what we find on a daily basis is it's encouraging of each other if we share something good that has happened, something that we have done, that we accomplished, that is something we want to acknowledge in each other. And sometimes the celebration is a high five, sometimes it's a quick hug, sometimes it's just words of affirmation back to the other person uh for the accomplishment. Our offices, we both work from home, our offices are nearby, and so we often go back and forth between each other's offices and share something good. Uh, so that's that's a key one. I think another one is greeting each other when you come home, uh having a parting from each other that is affectionate. Um, so hug, kiss, whatever it is. Uh, make sure that you stop whenever you can, whatever you're doing at the time when you are reconnecting with um your partner, and make sure that you acknowledge uh that you're glad that they're home and uh that there's that that moment of connection. And daily check-ins, I think, is another one that that from the beginning of your marriage uh to make sure that you're seeing what is it that's important in your in your partner's life each day.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love these daily check-ins, celebrating the good news and the good things that are happening. That takes uh I guess just aware awareness. This is this attunement, knowing what's going on uh you know today, what's coming out tomorrow, the next day of in your your spouse's partner's life, and then the connections, reconnection, the yeah, the partings, the kiss goodbyes, the hey, pause when I come home, we we reconnect, chat for a minute. Um again, all this depends on kind of timing and schedules, but where possible, if you're there, yeah, take take that time to to reconnect. Because and this I love these, um, Susanne, that these are like small and simple things because sometimes it's like, okay, yeah, we're gonna go on this big cruise, and those are fun. Um, but it's often Gottman and others have shown it's this the daily, it's he calls it small things often, right? It's these daily small little rituals, these habits. And because if we don't intentionally do these, it's it's much easier not to get up, right? When my wife comes home and to go greet her, it's it's much easier just to say goodbye and not give a hug or a kiss. So the easiness of the way, right, is just kind of slide off and then we naturally drift apart. But these take in intentional effort, not tons of effort, but just mindful uh awareness of what's happening in their in their lives, right?

Speaker 6:

Okay. Yeah, well, John Gottman talks about the importance of bids for connection and paying attention to each other's bids for connection. One of our favorites is sunsets. If one of us happens to look out the window and spot a gorgeous sunset, we live on a lake, uh, then call out to the other person to come look. And it's, you know, it's small, it's brief, but it brings us both joy.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I love that. Small little thing, but hey, come come check this out and just hold each other or take a look and and talk about it, soak it all in. I love those little things. Now, Susanne, you've helped um many couples across the globe. I'm curious, is there maybe you know an anonymous couple that stands out to you that you can tell us who took your coaching practices to heart and turned their marriages around and experienced this real change? What was that like for you?

Speaker 6:

Going to share with you about a couple that used the Growing Our Unity book. When they contacted me, there was a lot of uh anger. He was arriving at home at night in in often in stress and anger state, uh, instant then conflict between uh him and his wife and and their three or four-year-old daughter. And they really didn't want a divorce. They wanted to figure out a way to come back together. I started them with a paperback copy of the book. I always sell my books as e-books as well, but I started them out with a paperback copy so that there was a visual point of connection and something that they could see that cued them into doing the learning that they needed to do. And they had highlighters and started to highlight it. Their daughter uh started calling it the tree book and wanted to know if she could start writing in the book as well. Once they started to get a little bit reconnected, we dove into what it was that was going on when he came home and we discovered that he was in a high stress job. He would leave work stressed, then he was listening to the news all the way home and getting angry about what he was hearing on the news. So it was a very simple fix. They just couldn't see and didn't see the pattern. All he had to do was take a few minutes after work to decompress and then listen to music that worked for him on the way home, or even silence on the way home. And he started arriving at home in great shape and able to connect with his wife when he walked in the door and able to help with their daughter. And on the odd chances that when once in a while, when he still arrived home and it was difficult, his wife knew to greet him and invite him off into a private room for 15 minutes and give him a chance to decompress and then come back and happily join the family. And it totally changed the whole atmosphere in their home.

unknown:

I love it.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely love it because it was a few simple little changes and understanding okay, where's this kind of stemming from? Let's trace this back a little bit. And then if we can tweak some of those, the spillover effect is it's gonna be powerful. Yeah, when you walk in the door, you're a different person because of some of these other things that are happening up upstream. So I I love that example because it it goes to show that there's some small little things in our relationships that we can that we can adjust, that we can tweak, that we can reach out to to coaches, to therapists, to uh books and resources to think, okay, I can make these these subtle shifts in our in my routines, uh, in my habits, and our these rituals that uh that can help our relationship. Love it. Well I'm curious about conflict. What about conflict? Maybe let me ask you, what's the biggest myth about conflict?

Speaker 5:

Is there a a purpose for conflict? Well, I'm not sure that most people would agree with me, but I have a high level of hope. Here's my perspective. If we're going to have unity in our marriages, that means we can't have conflict.

Speaker 6:

If, as the um research shows at the moment, there are a lot of unsolvable issues, then there are always reasons to keep having difficulties together. What Grant and I have done in this book and in my work is start to come up with tools and approaches and ways. for couples to build understanding, new ways to reach decisions, ways for them to connect in unity, come together in unity, listen to each other, build that understanding, reach peaceful decisions in unity and carry them out in unity. It's not easy. I'm not saying it's easy, but I think it's important that we don't look at science as being static. So we have this research finding that couples have difficulties, right? And sometimes they're not solvable. My perspective is that we are changing, that humanity's changing, that we as couples are changing, and that there are ways of actually having peaceful, unified marriages where conflict is no longer part of the culture of the marriage. And what I ask couples to do often, this is another simple tip, is to find a beautiful bowl and put it between the two of them when they have a serious discussion to make it's a symbol that when each of them speak, what they say goes into the middle. It goes into that bowl. They have an opportunity to detach from their egos enough to say, you know, maybe I don't have all of the right answers. And that bowl symbolizes a looking towards inspiration. Their thoughts, their feelings, their perspectives mingle in the bowl and come together and emerge as something that neither one of them would have thought of in the first place. I ask them to make sure that as they are looking at whatever issue it is, that they pause if they're spiritual people, I encourage them to pray or have a moment of silence at the beginning. I ask them to think of the principles. So the often when we when we dive into an issue it's immediately like well here's what's wrong and maybe here's some solutions but I ask them to stop and think about the principles. For instance we were just going through um uh someone asking to borrow money from us. So we began my husband and I began with all right is generosity apply here? Do we need to encourage them to be responsible? Is this the time for us to be thrifty and not um share our money with someone else all of these principles we needed to look at um before we could start to even think of um solutions. And what I find then is couples build understanding often it's you don't even need to gut to a dis a um a decision it's how do we look at this together and understand each other's thoughts and feelings and perspectives that maybe they didn't understand before. All of that I think leads us to um helping couples have conflict not be part of the culture of their marriage.

Speaker 1:

I love the bowl concept I love the idea of slowing down and aiming for understanding rather than yeah just going at each other um I think yeah always there will be differences you know differences we'll be right back after this brief message and we're back let's dive right in I think it's natural for us to to get irritated my good friend Wally Goddard likes to say irritation is an invitation it's an invitation for understanding it's an invitation for compassion curiosity perspective taking absolutely all of those to be able to slow down say what would it truly be like to be them or I do I wonder why they do want things this way or that way to truly see their their perspective and I like that that maybe the goal is is true understanding that which then brings compassion ah I can see why they they do things the way that they do even though may it may be irritating to me or different than than I would have done things. I love it. I think of honestly as Susan my own parents um you know I've this may be rare but I think that there I the more I I see other couples I think man this this is pretty special I've never seen my dad yell at my mom like ever or us as children. Just never and that and that may seem just odd to some people and they've been no you need you need to have conflict you need to have conflict it was their marriage is wonderful. It's it's absolutely um beautiful and and yet they they just chose yeah to a higher path or a better road um you know spirituality these other virtues were very important to them so yeah I like you say I think it is possible because I I witnessed it I saw my own my own home so it is possible.

Speaker 6:

Yeah and you said virtues you know truthfulness is one of the things obviously that's vital in that process but truthfulness delivered with kindness compassion tact all of those other virtues paired uh paired with it and uh and that truthfulness with each other builds trust. Yes absolutely yeah I I love another one that popped in my head appreciation right appreciating one another one of the unifiers in in your book uh I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on and research on appreciation why is that so critical that gratitude component well we know from research that if there are more positives than negatives coming out of our mouths right fewer complaints uh more focus on what it what it is that each other is doing well that it goes to the heart and soul of each other one of the things that Grant and I encourage in growing our unity is acknowledgments of each other's virtues so if you do a virtues acknowledgement to someone you know thank you for being welcoming thank you for for uh whatever it is that the other person has done and you use a um a virtue in the language it goes right to the heart and soul of someone so if I said to you Dave uh thank you for patiently listening to me right patience is there if I say to you thank you for your honesty um then then your soul responds to that word and it encourages each of the um each of the partners to continue to practice whatever that virtue is uh often one that's helpful for me to hear is thank you for being flexible I didn't used to be very flexible it's one that I have worked on on a regular basis there's so many changes in life right that flexibility is uh something that I have worked hard to practice and so when my husband says to me when plans have changed thank you for being flexible it's affirming that I have made some growthful progress with that virtue oh I love that I've never uh thought about it that way when someone actually brings up the virtue in their expression of appreciation that gratitude hey thanks so much for being patient with us or man I appreciate you um yeah uh your appreciate your flexibility I I you know thanks for extending mercy and compassion uh on us man we were in a rough spot yeah those types of expressions um mean a lot more than hey thank you so much right that's great gratitude you're so nice or yeah yeah yeah the formalities of that but um I love that you actually insert a virtue in that um and then yeah you're right it would make that help very want to be yeah better with them oh love and it's a great tool for parents with kids oh because as parents right we're responsible for raising our children to have good characters and if we do virtue acknowledgments with them and they see it also between us as parents uh it's a powerful way for them to uh grow in in their characters and to end up as as adults or dating partners who already have great characters.

Speaker 1:

Yes uh I love that as Liz likes to say she'd probably say right here we get more of what we focus on. Yeah we focus on that good and then they yeah we re positively reinforce that good in our children in others and you get you get more of the of the good stuff.

Speaker 6:

Yeah love and when I meet with couples what I have learned to do that is so powerful is I start every session with what is it that has gone well what have you done that moved your relationship forward since we last met how has your marriage gotten stronger since we last met and it's that focus on what are they doing well that really encourages them to keep on going yeah oh absolutely love yeah the focus on I mean that's positive psychology to a T of this focus on what works well instead of yeah the all the or the 20% maybe that you don't like the focus on the 80% yeah things that you do like that that are going well that you appreciate and love.

Speaker 1:

Oh that is great. We love that you also discussed the unifier of social time laughter and humor.

Speaker 6:

Can you give us an example of how these traits contribute to a a healthy marriage what I notice when I start meeting with a challenged couple is they don't laugh they don't smile they are often a couple of feet apart and the more that they focus on their complaints the more uh they feel distant from each other and the more they are so serious if I look at their faces right they're sad what I find is they then head into studying these unifiers these 19 unifiers and growing our unity they start to go out on dates together again they start to remember what it is that they enjoyed from each other when they were courting back in the early days of dating and doing those things again they start to listen to each other and as that unity then starts to build they start to smile they start to notice little quirks in their lives and in their household that they can laugh about instead of complaining about and I find that it often takes all of us to remember that we are unique human beings. We all have quirks right we all have things that we do a certain way and sometimes it drives our partner a little crazy but if we can lighten up about it and we find ways to um laugh and tease each other about it it it short circuits the complaining and it increases the level of laughter in our home and and you know my husband and I will if we find a joke if we find a cartoon right we'll text it to each other and and anything that prompts us to um uplift and and laugh is valuable.

Speaker 1:

Yeah it it has something I don't know magical powers I know there's there's research right studies that have been done on smiling and laughter and I just think of it even our own family you know our our children our grown children and we'll be traveling and someone will say something and then we'll add on and we'll just the laughter just continues to grow. And we have just a lot of fun um together. Yeah we don't take things life too seriously you know be quick to forgive and and be uh you know slow to judge and just just enjoy life life is is is short can be precious so seeing the lighter side I love that you include that part of that that we can't forget about humor and the happiness um aspect of of life um and it's what kids remember right if you start telling family stories they remember the times when maybe something didn't go well but the result was everybody laughing about it and it and that imprints on their memory of of what is it about being family yeah I love that it is it's part of it and then we can rehash rehearsh do you remember that one time and then it stirs up those similar things we all have a good laugh uh that's great. Uh so then another unifier is is family harmony. Uh another one you could talk about connecting with friends and the community why is it important?

Speaker 6:

Why should couples reach beyond themselves occasionally you know what have you discovered about couples who make themselves um available to others who who reach out what I notice in the couples that I work with if they are engaged in community service if they are engaged with their neighborhoods how can we improve things how can we make things better if there's an elderly member of the family or a friend and they are taking food over to them, checking on them and so on, it relieves the family of this internal focus that sometimes then turns into the complaints or the focusing on each other's negative the if we have this balance of looking after the unity in our homes and in our families then we can contribute to the unity of our communities and the unity of other families and people around us. If we just stay home right if we just lock ourselves off and it's just us, we lose the richness of experience and stories and ability to learn how to be of thoughtful service to other people. And those skills come back home. We are then able to be more of service to our partner, to our children, to our parents, because we have learned what it's like to be of service to people in the community. But it's a balance right there's times when I see couples get into difficulty because they're spending too much time out serving other people and they're no longer serving in their family. And so it's a balance I I'm going to to show you this that I look at couples as two wings of a bird the man and the woman are the are two wings of the bird and so there's a balance they need to pay attention to the unity at home they need to pay attention to the well-being of their communities um and do it in balance and moderation so that um everything's looked after and and everybody's growing and and the community around the family is supportive.

Speaker 1:

Yeah such an important one I love that you included that one um Susanne because I'll give you an example this this is just recent just two days ago um Saturday and we have two married daughters and then uh two of our children another daughter and son who are not married and our son high school so he's the youngest and Saturday um we planned this ahead of time but we we just went down to a care center here in town and uh we let them know ahead of time and they let us come down for a couple hours and it was so rewarding to just have each of our children go sit on a couch or sit on a table and talk talk with these elderly who um about their lives and listen uh to to them to interact and then our daughter played piano we sing Christmas songs. I just think um how important that is I want our children to know how important it is to get out of the home and to do things to serve to lift to listen to love to instill hope um to give them a hug you know it it's just so powerful to get out into your community like you're saying to give back later that night than we went to you know a a show all together uh actually kind of like a comedy show so then we're able to laugh as well later that night together but these these moments are are precious they're important to be able to do something that's higher outside of of just yourself um it changes hearts uh from the yeah the inside out so I I I love that you uh talk about that because the important that can be quickly glossed over it's you know it's like okay go on dates and do these and those things are important but to to dedicate a small portion of your time and your talents and your your love outward is so rewarding isn't it absolutely yeah we ended the book that way that was number 19 was to make sure that that we capped the book off with um with that as a perspective yeah absolutely love it we'll be right back after this brief message and we're back let's dive right in you have a generous website you have a plethora of books you've written can you tell our friends uh here at Sharker Marriage Connection where can we go to find out more about all the helpful resources you offer my website is marriagetransformation.com you're welcome to join me there if you uh are looking for resources such as growing our unity it's available on Amazon and and other online bookstores as well so um I'm happy to uh to work with people directly or there are lots of places where you can find resources it's so important to keep learning right learning in action is absolutely one of the mottos for marriage yes yes it is uh and we'll be for our listeners we're gonna put those those links in the show notes so be sure to check that those out marriage transformation.com will put links to the to the book uh and all all of her resources so this has been um so very helpful hey before we let you go I always like to ask our our guests a couple of questions One is in honor of the name of our podcast, Stronger Marriage Connection. What do you feel like is is a key? I don't know if there is the key. Is there a key to a stronger marriage connection that you'd like to emphasize?

Speaker 6:

I'm gonna point to Unifier Four, which is all about friendship. And I think if couples are friends with each other, and the research is showing this, John Gottman's research shows definitely that friendship is key. I think if we remember that we are friends first, uh that is such a strength in marriage. It's such a reminder that as we go through challenges, we've got each other's back. We're on the same team or teammates. And uh it's also linked to that laughter and and humor and lightening up too. It's much easier to do that uh if we remember that we're friends.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that you said that again, Susan. Just it is I consider my wife just my absolute best friend. Um been through the ups and the downs, the challenges and the struggles, but man, the good times, the fun times, the funny times that we you go through. Um so yeah, I think you nailed it. Yeah, friendship is that at that core. Um, and then we like to end with the take-home message. We call it a takeaway of the day. Is there a take-home message you hope our listeners will remember from our discussion today?

Speaker 5:

Two phrases.

Speaker 6:

One is championing unity, making sure that unity is part of your everyday language, and the other is learning in action. What I want every couple to do is to recognize that they are in regular growth, they can always learn new things, they can learn new skills, they can learn new approaches, and they won't be perfect at it, especially the first time. But if they keep practicing and they keep gathering the learning as they go, uh they will end up with uh a stronger marriage connection, uh, and end up as a as a unified and happy couple.

Speaker 1:

Yes, absolutely. Love it. Um thank you so much. I think my my takeaway of the day, uh coming back to these small things that you talked about, right? The little the greetings here and there, that's what just is the almost like the invisible glue. If you look, okay, the unhappy couple, the happy couples, oh my goodness, they're doing these small little things often for each other. It's this outward mindset that they are doing. They're keeping things light, the laughter, the fun in their relationship, and not taking life for themselves too seriously, and not holding these grudges and the silent treatment, those kinds of things. So that's often these small, simple things. Yeah. They create that strong nerves.

Speaker 6:

And sometimes that starts with small acts of service for each other.

Speaker 5:

Uh absolutely I don't think we talked about that.

Speaker 6:

I just wanted to add that in there because sometimes it's can I make you a cup of tea? Right? Or what would it help you if I carried this, you know, if I did this. It's it's just um sometimes those small acts of service uh really connect our hearts together.

Speaker 1:

I do. Yeah, that you were thinking of me. Yeah, that's what it is, is that of all your busyness in the day, yeah, you're thinking of of me, not yourself. And my wife will bring me my favorite snack or drink sometimes at work and say, Hey, here you go. And it just wow. Yeah, the small little acts of service uh go such a long way. Yeah. Oh, Susanna, this has been uh just a fun, really fun discussion. Uh fun chance to finally catch up with you. Um thank you for coming on. Thank you for sharing so much uh wisdom. A lot of small little things that we can do, practical things in our relationship to build a stronger marriage connection. So thanks again.

Speaker 6:

You're welcome. Fun to be here.

Speaker 1:

Ah, appreciate you coming on. All right, friends, that does it for us. We will see you next time on another episode of Stronger Marriage Connection. And as Liz likes to say, she's not here, so I'll say it's the small things that create a stronger marriage connection. We'll see you next time.

Speaker:

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at StrongerMarriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you love and which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience, you make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.