Stronger Marriage Connection

Five Research-Based Secrets To More Passionate Sex | Emily Jamea | #173

• Utah Marriage Comission • Season 4 • Episode 173

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We explore how desire works over time and why many couples crave sex that feels effortless, absorbing, and deeply connected. Dr. Emily Jamea shares research on flow state in sexual intimacy and the five qualities that help couples sustain passion in busy real life. 


• Dr. Emily Jamea’s journey into sex and relationship therapy 
• How flow state connects to sexual satisfaction 
• The five desire “secrets” from Anatomy Of Desire: sensuality, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, attunement 
• Why curiosity and novelty matter for long-term passion 
• How small “challenge-skill” shifts prevent boredom and overwhelm 
• Building attunement so connection becomes less talk and more real-time awareness 
• Single-tasking and sensory focus to quiet split attention 
• Planning intimacy without killing spontaneity 
• Broadening the definition of sex to reduce pressure and increase closeness 
• Sexual satisfaction as a predictor of relationship satisfaction 
• How singles can cultivate these qualities within themselves 

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Dr. Liz Hale: 

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SPEAKER_03

On today's episode, Dr. Liz and I welcome relationship and sex therapist Dr. Emily Jemia to the show, and we dive into one of the most challenging and enjoyable aspects of couple connection, sexual intimacy. Emily shares the five secrets for improving your sexual relationship connection that come from her new book, Anatomy of Desire. Dr. Emily Jemia is an award-winning sex and relationship therapist and USA Today best-selling author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. She's a sought-after keynote speaker who presents nationally and internationally to educators, health professionals, corporate leaders, and the public. Her expertise has been featured in outlets like Oprah Magazine, CNN, USA Today, and NBC. Emily also offers online workshops to make her work widely accessible and is a multi-award-winning columnist for healthy women. In 2025, she was named an outstanding woman in medicine by the Arts of Healing Foundation. When she's not working, Emily enjoys time with her husband and children, traveling, salsa dancing, and painting. We hope you enjoy the show. Hey there, friends. Welcome to another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast. I'm Dr. Dave here at Utah State. Alongside our psychologist, Dr. Liz Hale, we are bringing you the very best that we have in research and resources, along with a few tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. Hey, today. Today, Liz, gonna be exciting. We're exploring the science of desire, what it is, how it works, and how couples can nurture it over time. Our guest, Dr. Emily Jamia, is a nationally recognized sex and relationship therapist and the author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. Can't wait to dive into that with her. She's here to share research-based insights and practical tools to help couples strengthen intimacy, even in the middle of busy, demanding lives. Welcome to the show, Dr. Emily.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here with you both today. Likewise, thank you.

Emily’s Path Into Sex Therapy

SPEAKER_03

Yes, we are. Hey, before we dive too deep into these, these are pretty deep waters, right? Where we're going to get into very important topic. I'm curious, can you tell us a bit about your own journey? What prompted you to become a sex relationship therapist?

SPEAKER_01

Sure. So gosh, um, it probably started earlier than I realized. I grew up in a very small conservative town in Southeast Tennessee. Um, my dad was an Obi-Gin, though. So in my household, sex was not a taboo topic. I heard him on the phone talking about everything. Um, and so it was something I was comfortable with. But I think as I, you know, was entering adolescence, it became apparent that that was not the case for the majority of my peers. And this is kind of, you know, we had the internet, but it's not like it was today. And so they started coming to me with questions because I had the answers. And so I was probably giving sex advice before I was qualified to do so. Um, but then fast forward, I was um studying psychology at the University of Texas and took a human sexuality just as an elective and found it fascinating. You know, I think that understanding someone's sexuality is such an interesting window into the psyche, and you can learn so much about the inner workings of an individual by understanding how they experience sexuality and what that means to them. And I think, you know, I realized it's such an important part of relationships. And at the time, there weren't that many people specializing in it. Um, you know, I live in Houston now, which is a city of, you know, over four million people. And when I hung up my shingle, I think I was one of like three certified sex therapists. And there was a huge demand. I mean, people were just, you know, really invested in improving that area of their relationship. And um, I said that's how I kind of that was the beginning of my path.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, love it. Such an important topic. Yeah, we need more of you. It sounds like out there to keep up.

SPEAKER_01

No, it's getting better, but we still have a long way to go.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Research Breakthrough: Flow During Sex

SPEAKER_00

You are never probably not without a dearth, right? Of of clients. Oh yeah, so yeah, good for you, Emily. If we could just multiply you, that's that's what we need now. You're right. You know, so please tell us a little bit about the research and the study that you did, please, and and what you discovered.

SPEAKER_01

Sure. So um at the time I started doing the research, you know, I'd I'd been working as a sex and relationship therapist for over a decade. And, you know, I could help people to an extent overcome, you know, issues around erectile dysfunction or orgasm and desire and could get people so far, um, you know, but reached a point where, you know, I always schedule an accountability session just to kind of see how people are doing. And they would say things like, you know, yeah, we've more or less met our goals, but, you know, we're craving a bit more intensity. We want it to feel, you know, even more passionate, like it did in the honeymoon phase. And I started paying closer attention to the specific language that they were using to describe the sex they want, you know, words like effortless, I want to feel lost in the moment. I want the world around me to disappear. And I was like, oh, they're using flow state language. Um, so for your listeners who might not know what a flow state is, it's a decades-old term coined by this American Hungarian psychologist named Mihai Chiksetmi Tai. Say that three times fast. Um, and flow state is the term he used to describe the state of mind we enter when we are so fully absorbed in an activity that we experience kind of a dilution of time. It can feel like it speeds up or slows down. The activity has our, you know, full and complete attention. We experience a sense of merger, like a surfer who's at one with the wave. And I'm like, yeah, of course, those are the kinds of feelings people want to have when they make love. Um, and I was familiar with flow. And then I looked in the research to see what I could find about flow in relation to sex, and there was nothing. There was nothing. Um, Chick Sent Me High kind of briefly mentions it in one of his books. Um, there was one study I found that looked at couples who practice BDSNM and kind of getting in um like transcendental states, and you know, that was as close as I could find. And so I was like, wow, there's a real opportunity here to see, you know, if and how people can experience a state of flow during sex, because I think that's what a lot of people would like to tap into. And so that's what inspired the study.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I love it. Love it. I'm familiar with yeah, me high and that the term and flow, and I love that. But again, me too. I had never actually put those two together. So yeah, beautiful work. Good for you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, thank you. Thank you. It was a really fun study. Um, you know, I recruited a bunch of individuals. Um, they had to be in a relationship for more than one year because I wanted to rule out the honeymoon phase. You know, that stuff is easy, it's neurochemically driven. I was like, okay, I want to get past that. I was particularly interested in couples who had figured out how to sustain the passion. Um, they had to be over 25. Again, I didn't want like hormone, you know, young adult hormone-driven sex. I wanted kind of more mature couples who evolved beyond that. Um, and they couldn't be pregnant or have a baby under the age of one because, you know, parents, we know how that can throw a wrench. Probably would have skewed McData. Um, and then, you know, I looked at the numbers and that alone was a huge win. You know, I found that there was a really strong link between how satisfied someone reported, how sexually satisfied someone reported to feel, and what they said about their ability to get into a flow state. And then I found that getting into a flow state actually predicted how satisfied they were. So there was, you know, we could move a little bit beyond just, you know, correlation and look at causation, which in, you know, data and you know, behavioral science is um really exciting. And so what I did then is I called up the people who had the highest scores and had really long conversations with them about, you know, specifically what it was like for them and what they did to get there. And it was through those conversations that these five themes emerged, which then set the foundation for the book.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, and that's where anatomy of desire comes in. Did I get that right?

SPEAKER_01

That's right.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, excellent. So, what inspired you to write this at the time? I mean, I obviously you had this great idea.

SPEAKER_01

I did. And, you know, I think we are living in a time where we want to optimize everything in life. You know, we want to work smarter, not harder. We're investing in our health and wellness. And, you know, people don't want their sex lives to take a back seat. You know, I think we have um, you know, come so far in terms of women feeling, you know, empowered to assert themselves sexually and to express what they want and desire. And, you know, they're not, they're no longer just along for the ride. We don't want to have sex just out of a feeling of obligation. They want to feel connected, they want to experience flow. Um, you know, and of course, I'm not the first person to write a book on long-term passion, but I think what makes the book unique is, you know, the out the foundation of flow and kind of the structure that that provides. Because I think once you understand flow state, it's not a big leap to apply the central tenets to your sex life. And that's exactly what the people in my study did.

SPEAKER_04

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_02

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

The Five Secrets To Desire

SPEAKER_03

Let's dive in a little bit without giving away the the entire um book. But I mean, is there maybe if you had to pick one, is there a secret, you know, to have better sex? You know, our listeners are like, okay, yeah, what is it that she found? How can I, how can I use it? What would that be?

SPEAKER_01

So there are five secrets. I'll just outline, I'll kind of say what they are and then I'll answer your question. So it's sensuality, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement. And if I had to pick one, it would probably be curiosity. Um, because we know from other research that novelty is a key predictor in long-term passion. And so the curiosity chapter explores that. But again, I think it does so from a little bit of a different angle than what people are used to. Um, so in flow state, we have something called the challenge skills balance. Okay, so let me explain what that is. If you can imagine an XY axis, okay. On one, on the y-axis, you have how challenging, how hard something is. On the x-axis, you have how skilled you are at that thing. Okay. There's kind of a sweet spot between the difference in how challenging something is and how skilled you are at that thing that can put you into a state of flood. You guys want to take a guess at what that percent difference is?

SPEAKER_00

I have no idea. No, right in between, I don't know. So it's only four percent. Four percent, no kidding.

SPEAKER_01

Not much. That is not much. So, any more than that, okay, if the challenge is way too above your skill set, you get anxious, fearful, and you can shut down. It's no longer fun, right? If the challenge is too far below your skill set, you're bored. And and I think when it comes to sex, you know, a lot of people end up there. Sex has become boring, routine, monotonous, and then they want to spice things up, and maybe they jump to the other side where they go, you know, too big too fast, or it's uncomfortable, or they haven't, they don't really maybe understand how taking baby steps can have such a profound um effect on our ability to feel absorbed in the moment. And so, you know, that's just kind of one example. And so in that chapter, you know, I look beyond the thing you can do and lead. Well, we talk about that a little bit, but I really try to lead more with things like the feeling you want to have when you make love. You know, it's it's for for humans, we have sex for so many more reasons beyond just procreation, right? And it's not just about physical pleasure, it's about emotional connection, it's about a relationship, it can be an opportunity to feel playful, to find comfort, to feel romantic, to explore power. I mean, there's just so many potential facets to the experience. Sometimes leading with the feeling alone can kind of alter the course of the encounter and can be enough to really draw you in. So that's just one example of I think the nuance in that chapter and something that people can come back to time and again.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00

I am kind of curious, Steve. Um, Emily, so is flow different from men than than women in heterosexual couples?

SPEAKER_01

No, no, there's no I didn't find any gender difference in my study. Um, flow state is universal. Um, so in you know, Chick sent me high's research. He found that, you know, humans are actually hardwired to experience flow. There's even some data to suggest that some animals are hardwired to experience flow. Um, you know, and so I really believe that anybody, um, when given the opportunity, and of course, we're talking, I want to remind people, you know, we're talking about how to take sex to the next level. You know, if you are in a really dysfunctional relationship, if you have unresolved trauma, if, you know, there are some things that need to be worked out first. Um, so this is more about how to take sex from good to great than it is to take like sex from bad to good. Oh, so I think when the foundation is there and you want to take it to the next level, that's where some of this flow science can come into.

SPEAKER_00

That's a great distinction. Thank you for making that.

SPEAKER_03

Do you get I'm curious, do you have a story, an example, a couple, you know, that has come in and then you've been able to kind of help them see the light and and start really living what you're teaching?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah. I mean, so many couples. As soon as I, you know, got the data from the study before I even published the book, I um, you know, I started applying it to my clients. And, you know, I would, you know, explain to them what flow state was. So they kind of had that understanding. As soon as I'm explaining it, they're like, oh yeah, like, you know, we all have that friend who's addicted to the runners high, or um, you know, you play an instrument and you get lost in the music, or, you know, a sport and you're in the zone. I mean, guys especially love sports analogies because I can I can talk about a team sport, you know, this isn't like an individual thing. Like, you know, in any team sport, they don't have time to stop and talk through every move. There's this attunement, you know, this kind of effortlessness of the team moving as one to help them towards the shared goal. Um, and so everyone's like, oh, okay, yeah, like that concept makes sense. And then I'm like, okay, now let's talk about where, let's identify what the deficit is in your relationship. And then talk about, you know, what aspect of slow we need to pull from to help you out of the hole. Um, and it's a little bit different for everybody, you know. I think the book, I didn't want it to feel like something that people just kind of read cover to cover and that was it. I really wanted it to live on people's bookshelves so that they could, you know, pull from it, depending on what's going on in their life. Like, you know, when you've got young kids and you feel like life is chaotic and you're two ships passing in the night, like the sensuality chapter is all about kind of, you know, quieting that down and getting in touch with the sensations and learning to feel embodied, which is deeper than mindfulness. It's like how to marie kundo your sex life. Um, you know, but then when sex has become boring and routine, then the curiosity chapter is there. If um, you know, if I'm working with a couple who is just struggling to find each other again because of a life adjustment or um, you know, hardship or something like that, then the adaptability chapter is all about that. Um, if there is emotional disconnect, then the vulnerability chapter has a lot of tools. And then the attunement chapter um, in many ways, feels like the gestalt of the other four chapters is kind of where everything comes together. And um, you know, they're gonna pull from some of the best in the other chapters to kind of build that chapter and um, you know, again, talk about how to get into that kind of almost transcendent state. You know, there's such an emphasis on sexual communication, and that's good. You know, learning to talk about it and to feel comfortable doing so is awesome and will go a long way in helping a couple have a good sex life, but it's a first step. You know, again, it's like the practice to get like coming back to the sports analogy. Like I hope people can eventually get to the point where they don't have to stop and talk about everything because they are so they've learned how to pay attention to subtle shifts and things like breath and tension, and they're making micro adjustments in real time and um, you know, really equal parts, uh contributing rather in equal parts to the you know contribution of pleasure and satisfaction. And so that's all in the attunement chapter.

SPEAKER_00

I love it. Whether that's in bed or outside of bed, right?

SPEAKER_01

Outside of bed is such a great place to start, you know, and and that's another reason why I find this model really great, is because, you know, there's so much you can do outside of the bedroom, especially for people who feel too timid to kind of dive right into, you know, applying this to their sex life. There's in fact, in each chapter, there's three subsections. And so I talk about how to experience this as an individual. You know, I didn't want this book to be limited to couples. So it's about how to tap into each quality within yourself, how to cultivate it in your relationship outside the bedroom, and then how to apply it to your sex life. So we kind of work our way there.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. So in that way, I'm curious. The book, I mean, I I think, you know, ultimately the the best benefit with a couple read it together, but you know, that doesn't always happen, or someone's not willing to go to a sex therapist like you. Can one person benefit uh from reading it and saying, okay, and then you know, discussing it, that type of thing? What do you what do you think?

SPEAKER_01

I think so. I definitely think there's you know, benefit in because there's so much you can do on an individual level to change a system, you know, if you if you want to try to an extent, you know, I I do find in most cases the prognosis is better if everyone is equally invested um, you know, in the outcome. So, you know, at some point, you know, if you've got one person who doesn't care at all about improving the quality of sex life and one person who's like ready to do anything it takes, then that can create a little bit of a disconnect.

SPEAKER_05

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_02

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

Attunement And Beyond Talking

SPEAKER_00

Is there just like even just just one idea of what we could do outside the bedroom just today, Emily, to to start that in motion?

SPEAKER_01

Well, the achievement, you know, I think the first thing that comes to mind is well, let me make it simple. That's kind of a trickier one. Also sensuality, right? Like getting in touch with the five senses. Um, we live in a split attention world. Okay. We eat lunch and check our emails, we watch TV and check our social media, we walk the dog and listen to a podcast. Like we're doing two things at once all the time. And it's not realistic to train your brain all day to do two things at once and then expect to be able to turn it off because you decide to do so and then concentrate on sex. Um, you know, I have women in particular who just really struggle to quiet the mind enough to immerse themselves in the sensations of sex and they're physically there, but their mind is thinking about the laundry in the next room, or, you know, did I register my kid for summer camp or, you know, whatever it may be? Um, it's in a million different places. And so a simple thing we can do is start trying to single task, you know, when and where we can. You know, like when you're out for a walk, just go for a walk and notice the sounds of nature and the birds. And stop and smell the roses, literally. Um, you know, when you're sitting down for lunch, whether that's by yourself or with someone else, like put the phone on airplane mode and just enjoy the experience of eating, notice the internal experience and you know, work that, you know, kind of if you can have a conversation, of course, at the same time, I think there's a social element to it. But making little changes like that um really can go a long way in quieting the nervous system enough so that when you know it is time to have sex, your brain is used to just doing the one thing. That's great advice. I love that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, because we are, you're right. I didn't stop and think about it, really, uh Emily. That we yeah, most everything that we do, we're driving, we're listening to the radio. Some people are on their phones, we're just everything is clamoring for our attention. So it it sometimes I'll just turn the radio off and just silence in the cars, and it's just beautiful.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I am so guilty of it too, and I constantly have to remind myself just to stop and just do the one thing at a time. And it's incredible how much more relaxing that is, you know, especially like when I'm out walking the dog. I I don't listen to podcasts and stuff like that anymore. I'm like just gonna enjoy this time outside and fresh air and look around and be in the environment. And um, you know, little things go can make a big difference.

SPEAKER_00

I understand that that that multitasking or even double, what did you call it? The what did you call the two split attention? Split attention, thank you. How exhausting that is on the brain.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, it's so exhausting. And then a lot of times we try to add a third thing in, and the brain literally can't, you know, it's kind of mispires when you try to do three things at once. You know, if you've got dinner going on the stove and you know, you're trying to also help your kid with their homework and you're adding to the grocery list. I mean, it's just like a lot. Um, and so it's no wonder that at the end of the day, when we'd like to connect with our partner, our nervous systems feel completely fried. And they are. Um, and so, you know, on crazy days like that, even just taking, you know, a few moments before a sexual encounter to do some really deep diaphragmatic breathing. I mean, I've got little kids at home myself. And, you know, I reached a point with my own husband where I was like, I can't just switch it on as easily as I used to. And so, you know, now we take a little extra time just to kind of lay down and relax. And, you know, we're not rushing through anything, um, which makes a big difference.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. You're so right about living in just a very busy world, so much clamoring for our attention and our energy. What's your advice to couples about fitting in sex amidst these very busy lives, Emily?

Single-Tasking To Boost Sensuality

SPEAKER_01

You have to prioritize it just like you would anything else that's important in life. You know, the the idea that um, you know, great sex can and should always be spontaneous or quote unquote happen naturally is one of the you know most widely perpetuated myths. Um, it's not rooted in any research, my own included, and other studies, you know, that look at couples who know how to sustain long-term passion, they all talk about planning it. Now, let me give you my rundown on planning it because I I want to change that. People have a lot of you know automatic visceral reactions when I start talking about that. Okay, so number one, I prefer the word planned as opposed to schedule. I just feel like you plan a party and you schedule a root canal. Like it, there's just a different connotation, and I'm a stick here for the words we use. So we plan it. Um, I like to think of the time we set aside, and it's good to pick a time like around the same time on a weekly basis, but I like to think of that time as being there as a plan B, you know, as a backup time. So you're not closing yourself off for other times. It takes the pressure off that time, you know, because it's not like you're everyone's just waiting for that moment, you know. Hopefully you're still open to connecting at other times. But if for some reason you don't, at least you know the time is there as a okay. Um just because you plan when doesn't mean you have to plan what. So there can still be some room for spontaneity in what goes down when you finally do connect. Um, alternatively, you can use the fact that you have this time set aside to plan in more detail what you want to do. I mean, again, taking a cue from people like in the kink and BDSM community, there's a ton of planning and preparation that goes into creating these, you know, sometimes elaborate scenes. And, you know, they talk about getting in this like transcendent state because of all the planning and preparation and collaboration that went into it so that when the time comes around, they can just surrender to the experience. And I think we can take a lesson from them in that regard. So you can, you know, again, you can not plan or you can use it to plan more. Um, you know, we can always cancel our plans. You know, I I never want someone to feel like they're in a relationship with someone who's holding their feet to the fire, you know, for some reason that time rolls around and you are just not in the mood, you have a killer headache, you are too stressed out about a deadline, whatever it may be, like that's okay. You know, that we can always I I encourage people to find a time, you know, within a day or two to to be together. I also, you know, I I like to broaden the idea of what sex is. You know, if there's too much pressure on that time to be about intercourse, you know, sex as we typically think about it, um, that can be off-putting for some people. And so, you know, I I tell people that at a minimum, I want you to be giving each other your undivided attention. I want there to be some kind of skin on skin contact. Like that's it. You know, ideally you're lying naked in bed together. But even if you're not, like at least hold hands and touch each other, and maybe you're just having a conversation, but you know, there's that skin-to-skin contact. Because if that's not happening ever, um, you know, it's hard for those pathways to turn on it and and do so in a kind of more intense way. It's just like a muscle we have to keep working. Um, and so I tell people to do that. And, you know, lastly, I remind people that when they were dating, they were planning it. You know, everyone knew what was happening at the end of the night. And there was a lot of excitement and anticipation that went into it. So um, you know, it's we just have to kind of reframe the way we think it's really what you're talking about, is really adaptability, right?

SPEAKER_00

That maybe it's not going to be intercourse.

SPEAKER_01

Right. Exactly. We have, yeah, that's all in the adaptability chapter is learning to think outside the box, um, learning to rewrite your sexual script to kind of broaden, you know, because there's gonna be a point in time, you know, where you've, you know, maybe you've got a you're recovering from an injury and you can't get in the same position that you're used to. Or, you know, there's just a million different variables that can come into play that may um make it impossible to have sex the way you're used to having it. So you want to be open-minded and flexible and um not literally, figuratively. And that's what the adaptability chapter is all.

SPEAKER_04

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_02

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's great. I wonder, wonder, well, both of you, you're both therapists, uh, what's your take on if the sexual relationship is going really well? Does that tend to be a kind of a barometer if the entire you know relationship tends to be going better? And if that area is not going well, there may be some of these other areas that are not going well. Any thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, for sure. I mean, I'll kind of share my um thoughts and then Liz, I'd love to hear from you. But yeah, I mean, we know from the research that sexual satisfaction is a predictor of relationship satisfaction, and it's a stronger predictor than the reverse. So, yeah, to your point, when that area is going poorly or there's conflict, it can spill over into everything.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Liz, anything you want to add?

Planned Intimacy And Flexible Sex

SPEAKER_00

You just said it can be, it can be a predictor. Like you said, it could be one, right? Um, but not always, because it is so, so complicated with um, you know, aging and stressors and work and children and trauma, life, right? War. I mean, I I think so many things can trouble us, and that can affect that connection. But oh, I I I love all these good thoughts. I I really love this planning versus scheduling. I think that's beautiful. Plan to be intimate, even if it's not planning to have intercourse full-blown, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I had one couple who they talked about kind of just maintaining this constant energetic charge that they could turn the heat up on, you know, turn the heat up or down, kind of depending, but it was always there, you know, whether it was just an extra cuddle in the morning or choosing to shake, take a shower together and, you know, um, a longer kiss, a deeper kiss, things like that that just kind of kept some momentum going. And it didn't like so many couples, I think, are just guilty of living like two ships passing in the night, and then they expect to have this great sex, and there's gotta be a little bit of connection.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, can yeah, singles, single, I mean, they find this helpful as as well, Emily, whether I mean in a couple or singles, is this open to them?

SPEAKER_01

For sure. I mean, I you know, I really encourage singles to read the book. You know, like I said, there's sections within each chapter that talk about how to cultivate the quality within yourself. And, you know, one thing I want to say, these five qualities is it this is not about becoming someone you're not. You know, if you look at babies and young children, okay, they are sensual, they are exploring the world, you know, in and through the five senses. They put everything into their mouth, it's about touch and taste, like it's all there, right? Um, they're curious. I think four-year-olds, I cite this in the book, they ask an average of like 400 questions a day. Okay. By middle school, that number drops down to two. Um so you know, they're they're wanting to know about everything. Their mind is open and it it wants to learn, it wants to evolve. It's it's dying to make connections. Um, they're adaptable. I mean, kids can be shaped, you know, there's moldability, there's flexibility. Um, we're hard, the vulnerability, we are, you know, hardwired to attach and be emotional. Um, so much of that is socialized out of us, men in particular. Um, the vulnerability chapter actually kind of focuses on a male client and how we drew that out. Because, you know, I want sex to feel like more than a juxtaposition of body parts. I mean, it is emotional. Um, and men, they they feel that, but they struggle to verbalize it. So, but again, we're all vulnerable and then we all have the ability to attune. You know, again, babies attune to their caregivers naturally and automatically. So, what I think happened is through it happens is because of a lot of different reasons, whether it's, you know, our upbringing, gender, socialization, family of origin, trauma, life experience, the impact of culture, religion. I mean, all of this stuff shapes us to a degree and to an extent cuts us off from some of these qualities. And so this is about removing those barriers, tapping into them again and feeling connected to them once again, not becoming someone you're not. I really wanted this model to feel customizable and um personalized for every individual. So um I do think that there is so much work that individuals can do to start to reconnect with each of these qualities within themselves. Wonderful.

SPEAKER_00

You're do is there a name to your report, Emily, that you found to my study.

SPEAKER_01

Uh-huh. Um, I think it's called Sexual Satisfaction Exploring the Role of Slow.

SPEAKER_00

It's linked on my website. That's beautiful. I love that. Because we want to make sure that those resources are available to our friends here on Starter Marriage Connection about their relationship. We're going to add those to our show notes. Any, is there a place you want us to go mainly to find you, possibly work with you?

SPEAKER_01

Everything is on my website. So it's MLAjamia.com. Um, yeah, the book is linked there. The research, as I mentioned, is linked there. I have tons of online learning material that've got, you know, an online workshop that frames the book and everything that was cut from the book itself itself, like extra exercises and information and stuff like that, is available through the workshop. Um tons of free resources as well. So lots to check out.

SPEAKER_00

It's really generous of you. And Jamea is J-A-M-E-A. Very good.

SPEAKER_03

Awesome. Well, Emily, before we let you go, we like to ask all of our guests a couple of questions. The first one in honor of the name of our podcast is what do you feel like is a key to a stronger marriage connection?

SPEAKER_01

Avoiding complacency. You know, it is relationships are alive. And if we want to feel like they are alive, we have to treat them like they are alive, uh, nurture them. And I think so many couples just take each other for granted and can fall into a kind of set it and forget it mentality and do that if we want to have a strong marriage. So gotta stand up.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, man. It reminds me of something that Dennis Rainey uh once said, an author, he said that it's this at least to this natural float to isolation is what he called it, you know, kind of going down this river. And if you're not really intentionally holding on to each other or the rope together, yeah, you'll just naturally float and drift apart without even being mean and nasty. We just get ruts or routines instead of relationships.

Sexual Satisfaction And Relationship Health

SPEAKER_01

So subtly and gradually that suddenly we look up and yeah, our partner feels like they're really far away. But there's so much we can do to find each other again. And you know, some ebb and flow is normal in a relationship. But I think you know, you've always got to keep your eye on your partner and and make sure you don't let too much time go by before rekindling.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And this last one, um, what do you we call it a takeaway of the day? Is there a take-home message you want our listeners to remember from our discussion today?

SPEAKER_01

You know, I I want people to understand that, you know, sexual health and nurturing sexuality um, you know, really filters into so many areas of our life that people who feel sexually satisfied, um, you know, have a greater sense of well-being, better psychological health, lower rates of depression, more emotional well-being, you know, stronger relationships. It's not everything, of course, um, but it is, it's, you know, for most people, it's pretty important. And there's, you know, so much we can do that doesn't take a ton of effort um to keep that part of our lives healthy and strong. And doing so goes a long way.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it sure does. Wow. What about you, Liz? What's your takeaway of the day with Dr. Emily?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you know, I've said it and I'll just say it again. I I love the term planning sex versus scheduling sex. I think that's I I think words are so powerful. Uh we can plan the what the we can plan the when but be open to the what. So I love that. Thank you for that, Emily. What about you, Dave? What's your greatest takeaway from our interview today with Dr. Emily Jamea?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, this has been uh super helpful. I love this. Uh just the insights. I love vulnerability and adaptability, attunement. I think uh I was telling Liz the other not too long ago, this is one of my favorite new words, this attunement, just to be totally locked in. I often tell couples it's lack of attention leads to loss of connection. You've got to be totally locked in and attuned to what's what's happening. Even throughout the day, my thinking, yeah, where's my attention? I think that's the golden gift today is not necessarily time, it's your all in attention with all these distractions that are going on. So anyway, that that word, absolutely love it. And I'm glad you you included that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Well, Dr. Emily Jamea, thanks again for joining us today. Thanks for all that you're sharing to our listeners. We will post all the notes, the links and things there in our in our show notes. So for now, we will say goodbye and we'll see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks again. Mm-hmm. And remember, friends, it's the small things that create a stronger marriage connection. Take good care for now. We'll see you soon.

Singles And Reclaiming Core Qualities

SPEAKER_03

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you loved, which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.