Happy Hacks: 101 Practical Ways To Improve Happiness | Dave Schramm | 187

We flip the mic and let Liz and Rex interview Dave about his new book, Happy Hacks, and the science-backed habits that make joy more durable in real life. We dig into why happiness matters for marriages and families, how small choices build momentum, and why compassion and kindness are the glue of a stronger marriage connection. 

• why happiness is not toxic positivity and still involves choice through perspective 
• why Dave wrote a “hacks” book and how short, simple practices beat jargon 
• the structure of each hack: what it is, why it works, try this today, what if, bottom line 
• gratitude and kindness as the quickest ripple effect for well-being and relationships 
• “Text Two Before 10” and why delayed gratitude can be surprisingly powerful 
• foundational habits that shape mood: sunlight, hydration, protein, sleep, stopping doomscrolling 
• “happy hack attacks” that steal joy: comparison, rumination, avoiding emotions, materialism 
• purpose beyond the self as a buffer against stress and a path to meaning 
• hack 101: writing a letter to your future self to live with more intention now 
• the key to a stronger marriage connection: compassion and kindness 

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Website: https://www.drdaveschramm.com/ 

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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUgmEM9eheDC5AbNYUB3ENA/videos 

X: https://x.com/DrDaveUSU 

Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.

Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book Store

Written by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduce

The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.

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Dr. Dave Schramm: 

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http://drdavespeaks.com

Dr. Liz Hale: 

http://www.drlizhale.com/ 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

On today's episode, we flip the script as Dr. Liz and our producer Rex turn the tables and interview me about my newly released book, Happy Hacks 101 Science Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life. We discuss why I wrote the book, how it's organized, and some of my favorite happiness hacks, including a few surprising ones that made the list. We also explore why happiness matters in the first place. Research consistently shows that when we improve our own well-being, it spills over into every area of life, including our marriages and closest relationships. If you're looking for simple, practical ways to boost happiness and strengthen your connections with others, this episode is for you. We hope you enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection. I'm psychologist Dr. Liz Hale, along with the very beloved professor, Dr. Dave Schram. Together, we have dedicated our life's work to bringing you the best we have in valid marital research, along with a few tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. Okay, Rex. I love that you're joining us today, Rex. Thank you for being my co-host.

SPEAKER_05 1:22

Yes, I am the co-host today.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

I'm grateful because our very own Dr. Dave Schramm believes that one of the genuine purposes of life is to experience joy. Now, not shallow pleasure alone, but rich layered joy rooted in connection, which we're all about here, meaning, growth, and love. He's so passionate about the topic of happiness that he spent much of his career as a family science professor, both at Utah State University and the University of Missouri, studying it in depth. Well, after hundreds of hours pouring over the research and presenting on the topic, this is what he discovered, Rex. There isn't just one kind of happiness. And there is more than one path to it. And today we're going to take a deep dive into the details in his fresh off-the-press new book, Happy Packs. Welcome to the other side of the show, Stronger Marriage Connection, Dr.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Tables have turned. Yeah. Oh man. This is awesome. Yeah. Thanks you guys for having me. I can't wait to, yeah, you're you're feeling in my shoes. This is exciting.

SPEAKER_05 2:31

It took forever to get you to schedule this thing. I mean, I tried and tried. You're a hard guy to pin down. Dave.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

We wanted to interview you for a long time, Dave. But you did it, our friend. You have written your first book. Now you have co-written other great books, but your solo work now, happy hacks. It seems to echo just who you are at the very core, Dave. Where did your interest in the topic of happiness first begin?

SPEAKER_01 3:00

You know, uh, Liz and Rex, and you guys, I think, know this. I have four older sisters. I have a younger brother, I have two amazing parents. And it's interesting, one of my sisters would uh write in her letter when I was serving a mission for our church. She would end each letter with the similar line. She would always say, Pain is inevitable, misery is optional. And you know, that that has really stuck with me. I in fact, I have a sign here in my office, you can't see it right above me, that says, Choose happy. And I loved the feeling of bringing happiness to others through service or random acts of kindness. So I feel like this passion for happiness has been with me from the very beginning. And then one of my great mentors, we've had on the show before, Dr. Wally Goddard, has really helped me expand it over the years with his great work. And so I've really always been interested in this area. I've done presentations, uh, you know, over a hundred keynotes across the country on unhappy hacks. And now I finally have the opportunity to write the book.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

That is very cool. You know, choose happy, just that sign that you're referring to. Is it a choice, Dave? Do you think sometimes it is just comes down to I'm gonna choose to be happy?

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Yeah, you know, uh, I think sometimes the happiness can get a bad rap. You know, there's this toxic positivity of just smile, or you're not even when you're going through sad or really tough times. That's not the type of happiness. I try to make that point right up front, Liz, that this is not toxic positivity, smile, get over it, type of a thing. When you're experiencing sadness or anger, go be in those emotions, be all in and feel those and don't try to make yourself happy. But in any situation, um we I think that there is still is is a choice. It's the choice is perspective and how we see our situation. So we can choose to see things from a different lens than automatically the negative lens.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Like, what's the story I'm telling myself about what just happened? Yeah, that's exactly that's powerful. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks, Dave.

SPEAKER_05 5:03

You know, Dave, after 20 years of studying happiness and family relationships, why a book of hacks? Um, why did you package it that way instead of maybe something more academic?

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Yeah, you know, I've really enjoyed the last uh you know 20 years of my job studying and presenting on relationships and marriage education, parenting. Uh, over the last decade, it's really been this focus on happiness. And you know, years ago, I wasn't sure if I'd ever write a book, to be honest. I have a children's book, uh, some journals that I've published, some textbooks. But during my sabbatical leave last year, I had some time to start getting it all down on my laptop. But it's it's a process, right? Writing can take a long time. But when I hit my groove, it just started to flow. And doing the research on all this, you can see for those who are watching on YouTube, I'm in my office here at the university, you can see like hundreds of books on the on the bookcase here. And what I really wanted to do was take all of this and say, okay, this is what you know, this on gratitude or this on grid or mindfulness, and put it all together into one. So just before COVID-19, I put together a presentation called Happy Hacks, and then COVID hit, and my presentation on positivity and happiness, it just really resonated with audiences. And so it really took off after that. And since then, like I mentioned, I've given over a hundred happy hacks presentations all over the country, online and in person. So I thought I really want to reach more people with this. And so we have so much great research, right, as I look behind me, positive psychology, mindfulness, resilience, stress, family science, that I wanted to summarize it for people in simple, small, science-backed chunks. Because, like I mentioned, most books are about one topic, it's it's grit or it's gratitude or meditation. So I wanted to take all of it and simplify it as an extension specialist here at USU. That's my main job is to take the research and literally extend it as an extension specialist to audiences. But it but it had to be in short, simple, helpful ways. Because for one, Rex, I think fewer people are reading books than a decade ago, honestly. And many people they prefer short, quick pieces of advice. You know, it's the Instagram or the Twitter, the X. We see it on social media all the time. So just short, simple hacks or ways to become better, you know, in parenting or marriage or mental health. So rather than a deep academic piece on theory or neuroscience, I wanted it to be simple and helpful and no academic jargon in it.

SPEAKER_05 7:38

Are your books behind you?

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Are they arranged by color? Actually, yeah, a little OCD, yeah. For those behind me, they actually they're in topic by like marriage and parenting and happiness. And then within those topics, I actually have them by them by color. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

I've never noticed that before. So is that something new?

SPEAKER_01 7:57

No, yeah, they have been like that. Yeah, but I haven't recorded all, you know, very much uh the other.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Good catch there, Max.

SPEAKER_05 8:04

Well, yeah, when he moved, that's how all the yellow, and then all the blue, and then the red. It's like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah, um, and I've you know, I've known Dave for several years, and I have to say that his his his teachings on um happiness are infectious, are infectious. And I remember when I first started working with you, Dave, I was like, you've gotta write a book. You have so much knowledge and cool little nuggets about health happiness and all this stuff. You have to write a book. And I'm glad that you finally did.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Yeah, it feels good just to get and I had it in so many different places, Rex, and all these presentations. And I've created this curriculum called Road to Happiness and Meaning, and I just put everything that I've ever done or said and try to package it again in simple readers will find that each hack is only like a maybe a page or a page and a half. And I really try to make break it down and make it simple.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

Yeah, that's really good. That's what I love about your book is you can just pick it up and turn to um a topic, right within happiness. Just a quick read here and there. You'd have to go cover to cover, back to front. It's really well done. I love the full title of your book, Happy Hacks. 101, not 100, but 101 science-backed ways to boost happiness, reduce stress, and build a more meaningful life. Can you give us a sense of what counts as a happy hack and how each one is presented?

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the word hack itself actually means a creative solution to a challenge or to a problem. So, in other words, these are tips to make things more helpful and simple. So each of the 101 hacks are presented in a similar format, right? I start with the title, like, you know, do something creative with your hands. And then the next section uh for each hack is what is it in simple terms. So I just share, you know, a couple paragraphs about what the hack entails. Then for each hack, I share why it works. Again, not in complicated academic detail, but I give the basic science about flow or gratitude or kindness. And then the next section is called Try This Today. And it's literally two to three or four bullets of ideas they could actually do, such as spending time, you know, doodling or drawing or baking something from scratch or building something you enjoy. Then for each hack, I decided to add a what if section, just a few sentences, really. So it's it's you know, what if you don't consider yourself creative? Then I share something like, hey, creativity has nothing to do with artistic talent. You know, baking bread is is creative or potting a plan is creative. So it's that it's about the act of making. And then I conclude each of the hacks with a bottom line, just one sentence, uh, you know, maybe to on summarizing the hack in in simple terms. So each hack is is structured the same way on purpose. In fact, this book isn't meant, like you mentioned, Liz, isn't necessarily to be read cover to cover. I want people to explore it, to highlight it, to dog ear it, to try a few, skip some, see what works and feels right. I intentionally avoided uh the prescription approach, which says, you know, just do this and this, and then you'll be happy. You know, that that doesn't work for everyone. And already I've had people reach out on social media and say things like, hey, I just started the book and I tried the one about going barefoot outdoors on the grass, for example, or getting sunlight first thing in the morning, and I love it. Uh another person told me he tried the cold shower. He came up to me and he's like, okay, I tried this one for 15 seconds, and I and I hated it, you know, at first. But then he breathed through it and he's going to keep trying it. So I and I also want to be clear, you guys, right up front, this is not therapy. It's not a magical fix for severe mental health struggles or anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or other serious challenges. I wanted it to be helpful for anyone who wants more happiness in their life and they're open to just tweaking a few things. So some of the inspiration came um from one of the reviewers who was who was kind enough to give me an endorsement in the front, one of my favorite authors. His name is Alex Korb. And he wrote a uh a book a few years ago that I recommend to everyone. It's called The Upward Spiral. And it's about how small shifts can create momentum and changes in other areas of the brain and the body. So I wrote Happy Hacks for Everyone, and I especially think this would be helpful for employees, for example. You know, what a great gift it would make from an HR department or a boss to help their employee improve happiness and well-being because it it may ultimately help the person to become more productive at work.

SPEAKER_05 12:45

Yeah, I remember um you mentioned years ago that uh just being happy, there's like a 31% increase in productivity.

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Yes. Isn't that crazy? Just from yeah, increasing the positivity when you when you have a positive mindset, you view things differently. Yeah, you're more productive and engaged with something, whereas you're negative, yeah, you you're much more narrow, you get distracted.

SPEAKER_05 13:11

Yeah, you really yeah, you do get get tunnel vision and you miss all the good stuff, and then you do it's like a uh what do they call it, uh self-fulfilling prophecy, and it just gets worse if you get negative.

SPEAKER_06 13:23

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_05 13:24

Out of 101 hacks, um are there a few favorites that keep coming back to you in your own life?

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Yeah, you know, as I was writing this and looking at the research, my mind keeps coming back. My favorites have got to be those that focus on gratitude and kindness. I just love those two topics. For example, Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that doing a kind act produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise that they have tested. And they've tested dozens and dozens. So simply doing a random act of kindness for someone doesn't have to cost anything. You know, it's a simple note or a text to your own child or a spouse or partner, something kind for someone else boosts happiness. And it also ripples because you want to be kind when someone is kind to you. And then the second one, the gratitude, right? That cause I call them cousins because those are so closely related. An entire chapter of hacks, Rex and Liz, just on gratitude. So when I speak and I present the happy hacks, I often share one, it's called text two before 10, right? Text two people before 10 a.m. Just a text of kindness, of checking in, or hey, I heard your mom's in the hospital, or hey, we need to do do lunch, or I talk about writing a letter, and I've done this myself to a former uh coach or a mentor or a teacher, and then being very specific with your your gratitude or number 54 hack in there, writing down your top five people, places, experiences, and things. And so again, these are simple little things, little tweaks, but just you have to actually uh try it, do it, or it or they don't work.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

Makes sense because again, whatever you focus on grows, right? That's just absolutely yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:16

Um, do you what are your top five people, places, or things?

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Ah, so what do you mean? Like that what does that entail, that hack? Well, like I was just curious what yours are. Just oh yeah. Definitely. I mean, my family, my parents, uh Navy, right? My new little granddaughter, she's absolutely there. And places and experiences, you know, for us, you know, Disneyland has to be one of those. That was it's nostalgia for us. With uh we went there on our honeymoon, we've been back there a few times. I think Lake Powell is just a place for us, Bear Lake, even. It might be Hawaii, and sometimes just in our own home, to be honest, is it sometimes it feels good just to be home, even after you know you've been away. Something about your own bed. So just jotting. So the practice is what uh helps us because you know what people are not writing down, and they're sorry, they're not thinking about when they're writing those things down themselves. Their minds are going back in time to experiences and things, and they're jotting, like literally jotting those down is so good for it for the brain because it it focuses all on gratitude and happiness.

SPEAKER_05 16:25

I love that. Liz, do you have uh five people, places, or things?

SPEAKER_00 16:30

I I do. So it takes us away from us, right, Dave? Yes. I know I think the title of my book might be Get Over Yourself. So, you know what it is it's uh, and that's what I think you're you're talking about when we talk about the favorite places, people, things. It's it's those that have been associated with other people, right? Whether it's Ben, extended family, dear friends, of course, we love Hawaii and we're really big homebodies. He kind of travels for work, and I love just being here. Rex, what about you since we're on this?

SPEAKER_05 17:05

Oh man. Um, of course, my wife Jessie, my family. Um, I I mean I I loved moving out to Utah and um just being out here and and the people and um and everything has just uh really been one of my favorite things and places. Uh working at Utah State, um I could go on and on, but um I love thinking about this because man, it really makes you feel good just to think about yeah, what are the things I really like and enjoy? That's such a great I I'm man, that's I'm glad you put that in there.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

We'll be right back after this brief message. And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_05 17:59

Are there any are there any of these hacks you think will surprise people?

SPEAKER_01 18:05

You know what? As I um wrote this and got started with, I think that they may be surprised that the first chapter, and in fact, contain it's about 20% of the hacks in the entire book focuses on the foundation. And you've both heard me share this many times in our episodes, and it's because I firmly believe it that a happy, healthy we as a couple starts with a happy, healthy me as an individual. In fact, the the first hacks I share starting in chapter two are all about fixing the foundation first. So before I jump into gratitude and kindness, which are obvious ones for building a stronger marriage connection, I start start with hacks such as getting sunlight on your face and your eyes after you first wake up or eating protein early, um, staying hydrated, getting it getting enough sleep, which starts with stopping scrolling, right, 60 minutes before bed and dimming the lights an hour before the night before, as well as creating a wind-down routine. So it really that first chapters may surprise people because it's it's like, oh, kind of these basics. And it may not be rocket science, but there are some interesting little nuggets in there that are like, oh, maybe I could tweak this, or maybe, yeah, when I get up, um, going outside even for a few minutes and hydrating for those little things actually uh physiologically, right? It's happiness kind of starts with our our body and our brain. And so, yeah, that may be a surprise for someone, or some of these biological, uh, physical things that we can do.

SPEAKER_05 19:36

Yeah, the sunlight, the grass on your feet, protein in the morning. Yeah. Those are those are a little surprising. Um, the doom scrolling. Yeah, that's yeah. First thing the last thing of the day and the first thing in the morning is not a good way to start the day.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

That's right. Yep.

SPEAKER_06 19:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

I also love your reminder that hard things don't have to cancel happiness. In your words specifically, Dave, nobody arrives at the end of a happy life having avoided difficulty. One of the most damaging myths about happiness is that it belongs primarily to people whose lives have been spared the tough times. So, what is the key then? If it's not an easy ride, my friend, what is the key?

SPEAKER_01 20:19

That's a great question. I I think honestly, Rex and Liz, it depends on the glasses that you wear in your life, meaning how you see the world, it shapes your attitude and your actions. And I mentioned Wally Goddard um earlier. He's battled cancer for years. And yet he's one of the most joyful people on this planet in my mind. My mom is also battling cancer, but her attitude and her positive perspective, it's contagious. So adversity and challenges, they have a way of uh shifting our perspective, either either to the negative or to the positive. We see things differently. My wife's brain surgery, I may mention it earlier on some of these earlier podcasts. It was a couple years after our marriage, and it changed the way I viewed her and I treated her. You know, so we can't control our circumstances or what other people say or do, but we have so much more control over our own uh attitude and our behaviors.

SPEAKER_05 21:21

Yeah, I I have to agree that your attitude makes a huge difference in anything you apply yourself to and just uh just the people around you.

SPEAKER_06 21:31

Huge difference.

SPEAKER_05 21:33

Something I really noticed moving out here too that I love. Um in the back of the book, you share happy hacks worth watching. Can you tell us about a few of those?

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Yeah. You know, this was an interesting uh chapter to write because the research uh it changes so quickly, right? But I wanted to be very transparent about some things that my wife and I do uh that don't have a ton of research uh yet, yet. But they feel good to us. And so we'll we'll keep doing them. For example, we're talking about earlier, you know, I share uh about a vibration plate, I share about uh red light therapy and saunas and essential oils and a few others, and then I share um at the end some uh what I call happy hack attacks. And these are 10 things that are most likely to rob your happiness. And a few of these are things like comparing yourself to others, right? Rumination and overthinking situation, getting stuck in that loop, uh, I think avoiding difficult emotions, uh, excessive materialism and the extreme, you know, extrinsic uh pursuit of goals. And I truly believe that you'll never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never satisfy you. So sometimes we just get, you know, what are you chasing? And mentioned that on an earlier podcast. What are you chasing in life? And that will really direct, you know, are you pursuing something that is that is hollow and that is temporary, or is it something a bit more that brings more meaning uh in addition to happiness?

SPEAKER_05 23:12

Um, so what is a vibration plate? Heard you guys talk about this a little earlier too.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Yeah, I guess. So Liz, you've you've been on the vibration plate uh wagon. It's it's it's pretty simple, actually. It's these little boards, I don't know, you know, about big enough for your feet, a little bit bigger than your feet. And you stand on these, and now they have all different settings and different vibrations and how fast they go. But essentially it just goes back and forth very rapidly. Like even when you talk, you know, you kind of sound like a like a robot. And the idea is that it vibrates and it increases the circulation throughout your your body, even muscle and relax, relaxation. Even some people have said, hey, you know, balance because you're standing on this, you know, you can even try it with one foot, or sometimes I'll I'll even crouch down, I'll kind of do a squats on it as I'm doing it. So the idea is that it's vibrating in your body is is yeah, adjusting um to that. So yeah, I don't know. I think more or more research will come out about those, but those are fun in any way, it just it feels good. So if it feels good, I'm gonna I keep doing it.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Very relaxing. It's good for circulation. I have a pool of um, you know, water, that lovely heavy ankle thing. Cankles is what I have, and it helps with that. I think it was discovered out of NASA's, I remember. Um astronauts. Very cool, very cool. Um, something else that I found really interesting, Dave, and yet not maybe all that surprising too, is that people with a strong sense of purpose, you say, extending beyond their own lifetime, show significantly lower rates of cognitive decline and greater long chevity. Something about anchoring yourself to something that outlasts you isn't just meaningful, it's life-sustaining. It's beautiful. It's a little overwhelming to me as well. But how do we even begin to think about this, plan for this, examine this?

SPEAKER_01 25:05

Yeah, and I know it can sound overwhelming at first, but and when we hear, you know, find your purpose. It can feel like we're supposed to discover some grand, you know, mission. Yeah, big thing. But purpose doesn't have to start there. A good place to begin is simply asking, who or what am I living for beyond myself? Right. For some people, that might be their children or grandchildren. For others, it might be their faith, their community, uh, extended family, maybe mentoring others or serving a cause that they care about, donating blood, all political causes, or creating something that will benefit future generations, even, I think, is part of that purpose. So, what the research shows is that when we feel connected to something bigger than ourselves, it changes how we experience everyday life, right? Challenges feel more manageable because they're connected to a larger story. We we become more resilient, more hopeful, and more intentional with our choices. Personally, I think hope and faith that extend beyond next year and even beyond this life can provide a powerful sense of a perspective. Again, coming back to those glasses, because perspective changes everything and it influences how we respond to stress, how we treat the people we love, and even how we spend our time. But it's interesting, Rex and Liz, the opposite is also true. Chronic stress and worry and anxiety, excessive, can can gradually wear us down physically and emotionally. But purpose acts as a buffer, if you will, if you will. It reminds us that our lives matter, that our efforts matter, and that what we're doing today is connected to something meaningful that will outlast us. So I love that idea of that purpose. And it can be different for everyone.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Thinking globally, again, kind of outside myself.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Yes, that is the key. That's that's kind of this this theme, if you will, right? The search inward, turn out word, lookup word, press forward that I that I weave throughout the book, that it's it's not about us.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Or just get over yourself, right?

SPEAKER_01 27:18

Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER_05 27:20

That's your book. That is your book.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

There we go. There we go, Rex.

SPEAKER_05 27:24

Um, I have to agree with the uh the purpose uh driven thing because it really makes a big difference when you realize there is something greater than yourself out there, and it it gives you more drive and just more energy and positivity. And I like how you said, Dave, it it enables you to tackle bigger projects and not just dread them. But to see the importance and your and your contribution to that.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Yeah, that contribution's important. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_05 28:07

And we're back. Well, let's dive right in. So many of these um these books about happiness are usually kind of fluffy or they kind of feel impossible possible to do. You kind of mentioned this earlier. How did you how were you able to compact these into smaller sizes so that like you know, busy parents or stressed out professionals could could approach this and and relate to it and actually do it?

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Yeah, yeah, Rex. This is very important because we're busier today than ever. I am convinced of that. We're stressed out, overwhelmed. And that's exactly why I wrote about 101 of them, right? Start with what is simple to them, to the reader. And maybe it's pausing to send someone a text of gratitude. Maybe it's just turning off the music in the car and taking some deep breaths. Um, maybe it's hack number 57 about reframing something from saying, I have to to I get to. Just a little reframe there. This is not an overwhelming book. This is science made simple.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

Nice. Love it. Your 101st hack is especially powerful to me, Dave. What matters most is life right now. Life right now, with all of its difficulties and beauty and and unfinished beauty is worth documenting. It's worth reflecting on, worth sending forward. And you suggest we do that by let's try writing a letter to self. What does that mean exactly?

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Yeah, yeah, that last one. You know, Liz, that's the exact question most people get stuck on. And it's the first thing that I that I tell them is what the letter is not. It's not a goal list, it's not a performance of who you think you should be by then. It's not even a pep talk. It's something simpler and honestly more powerful. It's a letter from the person you are today, right in the middle of whatever you're living, to the person who's going to open it. So, what do you actually say? I give people four honest questions. Okay. Number one, what's hard right now? Number two, what are you hoping for? Three, what are you afraid of? All of us have fears. And what are you working toward? And that's the that's the whole core of it, right? Tell your future self what this chapter in your life really feels like. Not the polished version, but the real life version of this. And then I add one more because this is where the deep work happens. Tell them who you actually are right now, not who you wish you were or who you really are in this season, but what you hope is still true when they read it, right? What you hope has changed, what you hope you had the courage to do. And and now here's the part I love. So many people freeze and say, I don't know what to write. And I tell them, just start with the truth of right now and trust that that that's enough. Your future self doesn't need wisdom from you. They need to know who you were, and that's that's the gift. And the science backs this up, right? Uh see, it's how uh Herschfield's research shows that when we actually connect with our future self, when we treat that person as real instead of a stranger, then we make better decisions and we feel more meaning in the present. So the letter isn't just a keepsake, the act of writing it changes how you live today. And then a year or five years later, you open it, and almost nobody is unmoved by the distance they've they've traveled. And that's why it's hack number 101. And like all of these hacks, they're they're like a toothbrush, you guys really. It only works if you actually use it, right? It's right there. They're they're right there, but you actually have to try these. And again, not everyone is for everybody, but you actually have to turn the toothbrush on or actually move it back and forth for them to even have a chance of working.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

It is a bit of an experiment, isn't it? But it's about consistency when you find those things that that do fit, that do resonate.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

That's right. Change up your routines and your habits. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:17

Yeah, you can't steer a parked car.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

Yeah, you gotta get moving. That's right, you gotta get moving.

SPEAKER_05 32:24

Um, Dave, this reminds me a little bit of um something you've talked about in the past called Two Before 10. Can you go into that a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Yeah, you know, I've I present it when I present on on uh stages, this is one of my favorites I come up with it just years ago, and it's actually really simple. And it's text two people before 10 a.m. Uh and it doesn't you know have to be 10 a.m. but that just kind of has that jingle to it, helps people remember. And the text can be really anything. It can yeah, be a check-in, um, it can be expressions of gratitude, say, hey, I was just thinking about you. I just need to let you know I'm so grateful for you in my life. Be specific the more specific, you know, for something that they did the other day or said uh before 10 a.m. Just getting into that habit. People can put it in their phones for X, you know, so it just pops up at 8 a.m. or three days a week, right? Or one day a week on Mondays, just try getting in the habit of again, Liz, this is turning outward. This is not thinking about me, but this is simply asking who needs a text from me right now? And then notice the nudges and follow the feelings. And you've got to act, you've got to do something about it. When you feel that little nudge, reach out, just check in with somebody. And it's it's one of the most simple, I think, of all the things. It takes less than 30 seconds, honestly, just to check in with something. Something I might also share on gratitude that I discovered. This was this was pretty interesting, surprising to me. And that is that if something happened, let's say a year ago, five years ago, even like 20 years ago, and I remember it, and then I reach out to someone and thank them for that. That act of gratitude is almost more powerful than a quick thank you in the moment. Hey, yeah, thanks for opening the door, or thanks for doing that for me. Because it happened so long ago, and the person is probably not thinking of it, but you were. And so that just means so much more. Like, hey, I remember you know, three years ago, you said or you did this. That that's really powerful. So even thinking about things in the far past, it's okay. You didn't blow it. You can still think to think, even years later, and it and it matters even so much more.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Something that is long forgotten to them, but has never been forgotten to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

Powerful, super powerful, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:41

Yeah, it really primes. I like how this is cross-beneficial because it primes you to be to be more grateful and to express gratitude and and be mindful of the things that people are doing that you might just take for granted, and then really boosting somebody else's day, being like, oh yeah, that was good. I gave you all the winnering the winning lottery numbers that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:03

That's right. Yeah, good fun. Yeah, I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_05 35:07

But yeah, kidding aside, that's really good because I've gotten those kind of messages, and it really does. It strikes a chord and then it puts a pep in your step, and it makes you know, it gives you you want to help people more with stuff.

SPEAKER_03 35:21

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that ripple, yeah, it's real.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

We really are influential, aren't we? For for for better or for worse. What right? One way or the other. For yeah, so so true. So here, of course, on Stronger Marriage Connection, our focus is on marriage and families. What is another hack or two, Jay, that leave the biggest ripple effect on our relationships? Maybe not just self, but others. And like we said, these are all rippling out. Do you have some favorites?

SPEAKER_01 35:51

Yeah, yeah. You know, many of these, as we talk about stronger marriage connection, we're in relationships. And I talk about, you know, um things that you can do to strengthen yourself. Some of these, like uh, you know, I have a whole chapter on connections and ways to connect, whether it's with friends or with loved ones. So I give a lot of simple little ideas there. I weave in some of the gratitude and the kindness. I come back to those because, Matt, they they work the fastest, and Rex, and they don't cost a thing. For the most part, you can again think to thank someone or uh a smile, let someone go first, or open a door for your partner or spouse, compliment them. Um, so starting with something simple and then do more of it, Gottman's, right? Small things often. So I do you can apply these, the gratitude, the kindness, the ones on connection, not just in your own life, but with your your partner as well. So a lot of these are, yeah, you can intermix them.

SPEAKER_00 36:47

Yeah, I like that. You know, one thing I wanted to ask you, and maybe this is a secret, because it's really for Jamie, but I love hearing how um she has this special chocolate chip cookie recipe, just beloved, right? And she will make cookies and she will share it with others who might be having a hard time, or just to say thank you, or I was just thinking about you. Does she ever give that recipe out?

SPEAKER_01 37:08

Yeah, you know what? I I will share it. I can't share it on the internet because it's top secret. Yeah, it's the the secret is some of the the salt and then some of this almond um extract, yeah, that she puts in a little bit. Anyway.

SPEAKER_00 37:23

That is just that's just fun to see. You know, when you when you know someone and love someone and they write a book, I mean there's just something very tender. It just uh it was so much more meaningful to me to read a book um because I love the author, you know, and know the author, Dave. It just has been very special to me. It was easy reading because of that and just made me smile throughout.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

You're very kind. I do try to be, and I do this on stages and when I try to present, just be very personable, be very open, very, very this this is me, this is who you get. So I try to weave some of that personal into it, not make it so sterile. Here's what the research says. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

Yeah, it's it shines through all throughout that book.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_05 38:05

Do you have um any other books you're working on, like a cookbook, wink wink, so we can get the book.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

Yay, that's right. Yeah, we put that right. Happy hacks for cooks, yeah. Yeah, you know, I actually have a um a Happy Hacks for teachers. It's coming out August um 4th. It's 51 hacks for teachers um specifically. You know, my dad taught uh middle school in Springville, Utah for 36 years, and teaching is is tough, and it doesn't pay the best, and it's overwhelming and stressful at times. So I put some very specific hacks in there for teachers um specifically. And then in October, I have one I'm super excited to launch, and that is Happy Hacks for Moms. And I I don't know of another book uh quite like this one that is aimed at moms written by a dad, you know, from my perspective. So almost all of them, I start with this is what I saw at home, either from my mom uh or from Jamie. And there's even some hacks in there, you know, for for dads. Hey, dad, try to see this. You know, this is what she's going through. So again, all science backed, but through my lens of watching my wife through the parenting journey. I really think that this one will be super helpful for for moms, and I'm super excited about it. And then others in the works, happy hacks for uh cancer warriors is what I'm calling this one. I don't have a date on this, and um my mom, um, sister-in-law, a neighbor colleagues have cancer, and that is one specifically to those that are battling cancer, and then happy hacks for teens and happy hacks for dads down the road. But I yeah, I just love this this area, so uh I just keep writing.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

We'll be right back after this brief message. And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_05 40:03

Like I said earlier, um just it's knowing you for all these years, it really is like the stuff you teach really sticks, and I'm glad you're sharing it with more people on a on a greener scale like this. I think only good things are gonna come out of this.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

Thank you. Yeah, I think so. Right.

SPEAKER_05 40:21

So many times that your little happy hacks have um applied my life. I remember uh a couple years ago when we first moved to our uh our neighborhood out here. Um I got a knock at the door and it was a uh a kid neighbor, and he's like, Hey, uh is you guys own that white car? We had I had to move my car in the road because we were having work done in the house. And I was like, Yeah, why um do I need to move it or something? He's like, Well, I actually hit it with my bike and I broke the tail light, and I'm like, Oh. And he was I think he was like he was worried. I could tell the kid thought I was gonna get really mad. And Dave popped in my head like the great Gadzu swirling around, and he's like, People are more important than problems. And um I was like, I'm sure it's not a big deal, let me go look. And it was just a little broke, you know, he broke the tail light. And I'm like, I um I can find another one, I'm sure. And his his dad came over and said, Oh, you know, what can we do? I'm like, I'll just order a new one and send you the, you know, show you where I can order it. I'm sure I can find a cheap one. And that kid was like it was a life lesson for him, and I'm he was so happy that it wasn't like this big freak out terrible thing, and it was a situation that could be easily fixed. And like I could really credit Dave for that because it was really people are more important than problems. And it has such an effect on everybody in that situation that I you know, thank you, Dave, for sharing that happy hack. That was really good.

SPEAKER_01 41:47

Uh, thanks, Rex. Yeah, see, and it's that not even knowing about that, and now you sharing that right here on this, it does. I'm like, ah, that just made my made my day. So thanks for sharing that. I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_05 41:59

Yeah, everything worked out so well.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

Isn't that something you tell your kids Dave is they left for school in the morning? And remember.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

Yep, remember, people are more, and then they'd be like, I know that people are more important than problems. Ah I'm like, yes, it's sticking, it's sticking. Yeah, it's such an important principle.

SPEAKER_05 42:17

Yeah, it really is.

SPEAKER_00 42:19

I love that. We are you are dedicated, Dave, to making a huge difference for good in this big world, my friend. Your practical habits and hacks are not just for strengthening happiness, not just for strengthening happiness, but for fortifying our hearts and homes as well. Thank you for all that you share on social media and for putting soul into writing happy hacks. Where can our viewers and viewers and gosh darn it? Where can our viewers and friends easily find you and your new black yeah?

SPEAKER_01 42:50

First, I gotta express gratitude for you both. This is just this whole podcast journey has been such a um meaningful and joyful experience, yeah, working with you to consider both of you, yeah, just dear, dear friends. So thank you. Um right, it's out, yeah, just launched. So it's out. Best place is probably Amazon. You can just you know put in happy hacks um shram and it should pop right up. It's also available on Goodreads uh online at Walmart, BarnesandNoble.com, and also the web my website, uh, which is drdaveshram.com, drdave shram.com. So yeah, it is it's out. The ebook is is out. It's 99 cents for for the next 30 days. Uh yeah, big uh deal right now on the paperback. So now's the best the best time to snag it. And man, I'm I'll just hope that people will honestly um leave a review, leave an honest review on on Amazon or Goodreads or BookBub or other places. Pretty, pretty please. Yeah, I'd love to to hear honest reviews.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

I this be called life hacks data. It is so much more than happening. Happiness. It's just really how how how to live a good life. Life hacks. But happiness hacks were for good reason as well. As we prepare to wrap up today, Dr. Day, we like to ask each one of our guests, as you know, in honor of the name of our podcast, what do you believe is the key to a stronger marriage connection? Happy hacks.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Two words. I've been on the uh the other end of asking people, Liz. We've asked, you know, over a hundred, hundred and eighty or something people we've had on uh this question. And I've I don't know if there's like a you know the perfect answer, but for me, it honestly comes back to compassion and kindness. I think without compassion, a a marriage can't survive. And without kindness, it simply can't thrive. So yeah, compassion and kindness, I think, are important uh aspects. There are all kinds of important parts of a stronger marriage connection, but for me it's compassion.

SPEAKER_06 44:58

All right. So Dave, this of course leads into the next question.

SPEAKER_05 45:02

What is a take-home message that you want uh all of us to remember uh about our discussion on happiness today?

SPEAKER_01 45:11

You know, if you remember just one thing um from today, listeners, uh let it be this. Happiness isn't something that happens to lucky people or wealthy people. It's something that you built, right? We spend so much of our lives waiting for it to arrive, the right job, the right relationship, the moment life finally slows down, but the research is clear, uh, and that is the happiest, most resilient people aren't the luckiest ones. They're the ones who keep uh making small, uh intentional choices day after day, often in the middle of messy, imperfect ordinary life. So so here's the good news you don't need a different life to be happier. You need a few small hacks and the willingness to start, and you can start today, right now. So go build something great.

SPEAKER_06 46:02

And Liz, what about you? What is your little nugget from today?

SPEAKER_00 46:08

I love that Dave just talked about, you know, when life is messy, right? When things don't go the way you want them to or expect them to, like today for us during this interview. My computer just kept shutting down. We couldn't finish the interview. We had to take a half-hour break, and my husband, Bandagunis, is in the house and could bring up my laptop so that we could at least finish this interview. And and when you know the most important interview that I felt like I've done um is for my friend Dr. Dave, and yet this big glitch happened right in the middle of it. And isn't that interesting? We're talking about happiness hacks and the perspectives that Dave talked. I love that. It is really it's you know, life is happy while you're making other plans kind of thing, but it is what you're what story you're gonna tell yourself about. And that recovery and focusing on on people are more important than problems. What could be a little bit of a breakdown is kind of a breakthrough on uh and what's really important. Um, so I love that. I love about the perspective Dave. I think that's just my favorite nugget. Rex, what about you? What's your favorite piece of uh the interview today with Dr. Dave on happiness hacked?

SPEAKER_05 47:23

Like I mentioned earlier, it was definitely um people are more important than problems. But the two main pieces I picked up from this today is that uh Dave said this very early on is that misery is optional. And that is so true. And though it's hard to remember what you're going through in a situation, um, it definitely is optional. And I think if you realize that it can calm you down and help you get through anything. And the other thing was something you mentioned, Liz, that you got earlier was hard things do not have to cancel out our happiness. And that is so simple yet profound in that there's so many times you I run into a situation or I get tasked with something that I'm like, this is gonna be difficult.

SPEAKER_06 48:08

And you kind of lose sight of yeah, but you don't have to not be happy in this difficult situation. And I think that's just beautiful.

SPEAKER_05 48:19

Those those two things are what sticks out to me.

SPEAKER_00 48:22

Um I got that I got that from Dr. Dave himself. Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you, Dave, for sharing the complete and final truth on happiness. You've left us inspired and to reduce stress, increase joy, and live more meaningfully. We are blessed by you, my friend.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

You guys are very kind. Thank you. It's been a joy, yeah, to be on this side of the mic. And I I truly just hope that it will help brighten someone's day and make a happier world.

SPEAKER_05 48:54

I I guarantee it will. I guarantee it. But for now, listeners, that's uh that's it. Thanks for joining us today, and we look forward to seeing you on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection.

SPEAKER_00 49:06

Yes, we do. And remember, it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection. Take good care of yourselves and each other. See you soon. Bye now.

SPEAKER_01 49:18

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you loved, which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.