Stronger Marriage Connection

Rebuilding Desire In Your Marriage | Vanessa Cushing | 189

• Utah Marriage Comission

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Sexual intimacy can be a powerful source of connection in marriage, but shame, avoidance, unrealistic expectations, and differences in desire can quickly create distance. Licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist Vanessa Cushing joins Dave and Liz to discuss desire discrepancy, performance anxiety, pornography, sexual trauma, and the importance of honest communication. Learn how couples can stop blaming each other, build emotional safety, and approach sexual intimacy as a team focused on connection rather than performance.

The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.

Takeaway of the Day 

Vanessa Cushing: Talk to each other and stop blaming each other. Desire and intimacy improve when couples have hard conversations, approach challenges as a team, and consistently do the small things that strengthen connection. 

Liz Hale: Desire is a team effort. Sexual challenges are not simply one partner's problem, and understanding the deeper emotional or psychological factors behind sexual behaviors can help couples respond with greater compassion. 

Dave Schramm: Safety and connection are foundational to healthy sexual intimacy. Couples can strengthen their relationship by communicating openly, being vulnerable, and seeking professional help when challenges feel difficult to resolve alone. 

Vanessa’s Resources: 

Website: https://www.cushingcounseling.com/ 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cushingcounseling/ 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@vanessacushing 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@cushingcounseling 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Cushing-Counseling/61578982936946/ 

 

Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.

Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book Store

Written by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduce

The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.

Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: 

Strongermarriage.org  

Podcast.stongermarriage.org

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLife

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@strongermarriagelife

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/

Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579


Dr. Dave Schramm: 

http://drdaveschramm.com

http://drdavespeaks.com

 

Dr. Liz Hale: 

http://www.drlizhale.com/ 

Welcome And Meet Vanessa Cushing

SPEAKER_01

On today's episode, Liz and I welcome Vanessa Cushing to the show, and she opens up about sexual health and the importance of education and communication when it comes to sexual intimacy. She discusses myths about sex, what couples often get wrong about sexual intimacy, desire discrepancy, sexual trauma, and the dangers of pornography. Vanessa Cushing is a licensed professional counselor, ASEC certified sex therapist, and founder of Cushing Counseling. Trained at Johns Hopkins University, she specializes in sexual wellness, intimacy, trauma recovery, desire discrepancies, and LGBTQ plus affirming care. Vanessa is also the creator of Sex Therapy Pro, an innovative AI-powered platform designed to make evidence-based sexual health information more accessible and affordable. Beyond her clinical work, she's a passionate advocate for survivors of sexual trauma and founder of Six Stars for Survivors, a nonprofit raising awareness and support through Marathon Running. She's completed four of the six world marathon majors and hopes to become the first person to run all six in honor of survivors. We hope you enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection. I'm psychologist Dr. Liz Hale, along with the beloved professor, Dr. Dave Schramm. And together we have built our actually, together we have dedicated our life's work to bringing you the best we have in valid marital research, along with a few tips and tools to help you create the marriage of your dreams. So, Dava, are you like me, my friend? You hear the initials Asect, and you know it has something to do with exceptionally trained sex therapists, but you can't quite remember what those initials stand for.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, remind us.

SPEAKER_02

A-A-S-E-C-T. ASEC stands for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. It's not that difficult, and then I think about it and study it a little bit more. But sexual intimacy, we talk about this topic regularly here on Stronger Marriage Connection for very good reasons. It's sexual health, of course, is one of the key aspects of a good marriage. Well, we're pleased to bring to our conversation today a seasoned Asect professional, Vanessa Cushing, who not only specializes in sexual health, but provides her clients with a direct and sophisticated path to intimacy and healing. Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection, Vanessa. Thank you for having me, Liz. It's such an honor to have you here. You are a licensed therapist with postmaster's certification in this tremendous build of sexuality. And you have some impressive training, my friend. Was there anything particular that led you to this area of specialization?

SPEAKER_03

Uh, such a good question. So I actually started as a sexual trauma therapist. And along the way of doing sexual trauma work, I found that reclaiming um a woman's sexual

From Trauma Work To Sex Therapy

SPEAKER_03

voice is so amazing. So I started getting into the sex therapy world.

SPEAKER_02

Wow.

SPEAKER_03

So trauma, so working more with women who had been abused or Yep. So um childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape, and incest. So I worked with survivors, and then kind of at the end of treatment is where we kind of reclaim that sexual voice. And I found that that was the funnest part for me to see them bloom. And I was like, I like this kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_02

So I'll become a sex therapist. That's some of that hurt is not gonna stay permanent, right? I'm gonna reclaim, reclaim who I am, especially my sexuality. That's beautiful. Yeah, I love it. It's awesome. I don't blame you. Me too.

SPEAKER_01

Vanessa, yeah, we're excited to have you on the show. I'm I'm curious. I my understanding, I'm not a therapist, but my understanding is that many people, if not most people, they hesitate to seek help for any reason, even right, sexual problems until they feel like they are overwhelmed. Okay, this is the now I can't do this anymore. Now I need some help. But you you suggest that a sex positive psychoeducation should be sought earlier instead of later. I'm curious, what are some of the key signs sex therapy might help an individual or a couple?

SPEAKER_03

David, such a good question. And thank you so much for having me on. Um, I think I see people towards the end and in the midst of a very difficult situation.

When To Get Help Earlier

SPEAKER_03

So they have had sexual problems for years, seven, 10, 20, 25 years, and now they are in a place where it is very difficult to unravel. A key factor in sex, sexual problems is avoidance. And when people start to avoid the sexual problem, it actually reinforces the avoidance and they continue to avoid, and thus this cycle of blame, shame, embarrassment, non-initiation continues. And by the time they get to me, they are in a very bad place of their relationship, of connection really deteriorating over the years. So I think coming in earlier than later is always best. But you asked a very specific question about what to come for sex therapy for. Is that the question?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. What some of the key signs, yeah, that sex therapy, you know, it might help an individual or or a couple. Are there some things, yeah, I guess that you look for?

SPEAKER_03

Um, I would say distress. If you are not happy and unable to communicate that with a partner, come to sex therapy as soon as possible. The more communication we have around sex, the better your sexual life is going to be.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, they're probably hesitant, right? Like they I don't want to bring this up either this is awkward, they're gonna get defensive, uh, I don't know how to talk, yeah, to the to this person about it, or this is yeah, we've been in this cycle of just not talking about it for decades. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's really hard. And I I think a lot of people bring up sexual issues in the bed. Like when a negative sexual situation happens, people bring those issues up as soon as it happens in bed. And that is probably the worst place to bring it up because you are already in a vulnerable position with your partner, and you don't want to start a really deep, intense conversation in a really vulnerable state. Um, so always having those conversations, like maybe at dinner, at lunch, where it is you're fully clothed and you are ready to have those conversations is a good piece of advice. Also, never in the car. People always have difficult conversations in the car. Um, I never recommend that because you actually want to be focused on your partner and what they are saying rather than driving. And you can't look at your partner while you're driving. It's unsafe.

SPEAKER_02

Please focus on driving, right? Yeah, please. Yeah. We don't want to bring it up in the middle of a different fight about money and another thing. Yeah. So that's really great advice. What are you suggesting that maybe um those are these committed couples that we are, we experience sexual problems earlier on then?

SPEAKER_03

Does it start pretty early? So it is such a good question. Everybody always asks me, um, when do people become non-sexual? And everybody thinks it's the after the birth of your first child. And

The Two Year Intimacy Drop

SPEAKER_03

it's not. Um, when people have the most sexual problems is the first two years of a marriage or relationship where you're living together. Um, one in five married couples after two years are non-sexual. So non-sexual just means sex less than 10 times in a year, and one in three non-married couples living together are non-sexual. First two years, first two years, you said. First two years of relationship or marriage, yeah.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_02

And you're bottom line then, you're suggesting we get help sooner than later. Absolutely, because it's only going to deteriorate after that. Like any difficulty.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, those first few years of that relationship really set the tone or the foundation for that relationship. Um I'm curious, Vanessa, another question. What do you think is the big uh the single biggest myth about sex that's actually hurting us in our relationships?

SPEAKER_03

I think it's well, I know it's the expectation of what sex should look like. I think porn sets the tone of how sex should look like. And that is just not the case of what real sex looks like. Real sex is messy, it's not performative, it's based in connection rather than performance,

Porn Fueled Myths And Comparison

SPEAKER_03

which is really big. Sex is not about performance, it is truly about connection. And people get that wrong and they have this idea, this image of what sex should look like. And then when their actual sexual experiences don't look that way, they think they're doing something wrong, or they should, they should be doing and feeling a certain way, and they're not. And thus you're not able to actually enjoy the time that you have with your partner.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's this comparison trap. Yeah, this unrealistic expectations, something that they've viewed, watched. And so, I mean, in a in a way, your take and we'll get to this, I think, a little bit later, but your take on porn is kind of distorting you know reality.

SPEAKER_03

Even movies, too, and TV shows, they like they show this fiery, passionate love-making scenes for hours and hours, and and it doesn't work that way.

SPEAKER_01

Another question for you. I think one of the most um quietly perhaps Googled questions in relationships how often do other couples have sex? I I'm sure that's that's one of the most Googled.

SPEAKER_03

And the answer is what do you 59 to 62 times a year is the average number. 59 to 62 times a year is how many times a year people have sex on average.

SPEAKER_01

Interesting. Okay. So, yeah, so do the math for me really quick.

SPEAKER_03

50 times a week divided by uh how many weeks are there at a year? 54.

SPEAKER_01

So about one?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Okay, and then some couples, I think that that can be dangerous in some ways because then they're like, okay, am I average? Am I less than average? You know, again, it's this like comparison. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Of what should be happening versus what is happening.

SPEAKER_01

So even that question can be dangerous in a in a way.

SPEAKER_02

I'm just smiling back when you talk about even just movies, you know, porn aside, even just movies, right? When a love scene will come up. And, you know, you're a therapist of what, 35 years, and I, marriage therapist specifically, and I think, oh gosh, like we don't really kiss like that. I wonder if my husband Ben is thinking, oh, I wish she'd touched me like that or kissed me like that. It's so easy. You do get caught up in that. I I I do anyway. So I can appreciate you bringing that to our attention that that we ought not to get in the comparison trap and that that really isn't real love. No, and more than performance.

SPEAKER_03

And then you're in your mind thinking about what should be happening rather than what is happening in the present moment. I think that is the epitome of what suffering is, of what we think should be happening versus what is happening, and just being grateful for what is rather than what we believe should be happening.

SPEAKER_02

What they're doing versus what we're not doing.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_00

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_02

Well, what do you what what do you wish you could shout from the rooftops? That maybe we often get wrong about sexual intimacy. Was that just it?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, stop performing. Stop performing. It's not a performance. If you are having couple sex, it is one, a couple problem, and it is not about performance.

Stop Performing Start Connecting

SPEAKER_03

It is true, sex is about connection. Why, like if you wanted to have an orgasm, you can make yourself orgasm better than anybody else in this world can make you orgasm. So it's not about an orgasm, it's not about pleasure because you can give that to yourself. But if you are having couple sex, it is truly about the connection with your partner that you're having rather than performing and trying to please that person. It is about connecting.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, well said. Let's talk about desire discrepancy, Vanessa. What is that exactly? How common is it? How do you go about treating it?

SPEAKER_03

Desire discrepancy is the number one reason couples come to sex therapy. And a desire discrepancy is one member of the couple has higher sexual desire and another member of the couple has lower sexual desire. And what happens in a desire discrepancy, and by the time

Desire Discrepancy And Desire Poisons

SPEAKER_03

couples come to see me, is the higher sexual desire member puts a lot of pressure and gets angry at the lower sexual desire partner. They feel rejected. They're like, why don't they want me? Why don't they want to have sex? Am I doing something wrong? They feel a lot of insecurity, shame, rejection. And on the other end, that lower sexual desire partner feels the same. They're like, what am I doing wrong? I don't know why I'm feeling this way. The anger from the lower sex, the higher sexual desire partner to the lower sexual desire actually reduces the lower sexual desire's desire because anger is a huge poison of sexual desire. It's the number one reason for inhibited sexual desire for women. And by the time they see me, they are both blaming each other. They both think it is the other person's fault. And they haven't had sex in years because sex becomes this thing where they fight and they don't want to have a conversation about it because they're just blaming each other. And they've avoided it for so long. There's blame, there's shame, there's embarrassment, there's rejection, there's sadness, there's grief. And we have to unravel all of that when they come to sex therapy.

SPEAKER_01

Wow. Yeah, that is not, that's not easy. I get kind of pulling back the curtain a little bit. Um I mean, how does that how do you like change desire? Is it just information? Is it understanding? Is it slowing down, compassion? I mean, what are some of the first steps of it's not like you can say, hey, you need to have more desire, right? Or hey, you need to I I totally understand that the the person, the pursuing, you know, the person getting angry, you're not helping. In fact, you're making it worse. So that whole dynamic, I guess, has to be.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, but they're frustrated. And I understand that frustration and that anger. It's like, why? Why don't you want me? Come on, like you used to want me, why don't you want me now? And the number one thing I do, the first exercise I do is we see the couple as an intimate partner team. We have to see it as a team that this is your partner, this is your teammate, this is not somebody you want to blame. I have a whole PowerPoint that goes through this. And the first exercise is a non-blaming exercise. So, first we look at, okay, what are the blaming statements that we're directing towards our partner? Like, you aren't having sexual desire. And then we look at the blaming statements towards ourselves. There's something wrong with me. I'm not performing. And we want to change those beliefs around desire. Desire is a team effort. There's nothing wrong with me. Desire fluctuates. Trying to eliminate all the blame is the first step in eliminating the desire discrepancy. The second part in eliminating desire discrepancy is identifying the sexual desire poisons for the individual and the couple. So each person has different poisons of desire. Like I said earlier, anger is a major, major one for women. It is the number one reason women have a lower sexual desire. So when women become angry and resentful, they do not feel sexual desire towards their partner. And neither does your partner feel sexual desire towards them. Right. Right? Exactly. I mean, does that kind of hurt also? It hurts also. It hurts on both ends. Yeah. Shame is another one. Guilt is another one. And there's also inhibitions. Inhibitions are a big part of sexual desire poisons. An inhibition might be low, um, like poor body image, also the inability or unwillingness to initiate sex, inability to initiate a conversation around sex. So all of those things are inhibitions that deplete desire.

SPEAKER_02

Wow, those are sound powerful, those poisons. Poisons of sexual desire.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_02

I like how you termed that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, performance is another one. There's performance. Yeah, for men, uh, performance is probably the biggest poison of desire. So there's two different types of performance anxiety. There's anticipatory anxiety, so having anxiety towards this scenario in the future, like you're anticipating something to happen, and then performance uh anxiety inside of the sexual scenario.

SPEAKER_02

Wow, that's that's fascinating. Um okay, let's we'll get to that erectile dysfunction a little bit here. What can we do to protect sexual desire to start with? So low desire, high desire, and then sometimes does it change? Sometimes then the other partner is high and the other one's low?

SPEAKER_03

Sometimes it just depends. Um, I think uh hormonally, women have a month-long cycle for their hormones, and men have the same cycle in 24 hours. So men have a lot of desire in the mornings because testosterone is high, and women have a lot of that in the first period of um the month where they already had uh their menstrual cycle. So it's just on a different timeline. Men have a 24-hour timeline, women have a 30-day timeline.

SPEAKER_02

So if so it might so sex in the morning might help men. Yeah. I don't know.

unknown

Right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. It might benefit men.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, that's when testosterone is usually the highest. That's also a good point to talk about uh erectile issues. Uh, one of the ways we determine if it is uh psychological performance anxiety versus biological performance anxiety is if men can have an erection in the morning. So if men cannot have a um like the morning wood, if they don't get morning wood, it might be more biological. So seeing a urologist for something like that. But if men are able to have an erection in the morning and able to obtain an erection during masturbation on their own, it's usually performance anxiety. It's psychological.

SPEAKER_02

That's really helpful to know.

SPEAKER_01

And what about, I mean, medications and you think, you know, all these commercials and stuff for ED? Tell us a little bit about, you know, why is medication alone probably not enough?

SPEAKER_03

Uh I medication is hard because Viagra is very difficult to integrate into your sex life. So Viagra, you take it and after an hour it starts working and you have an erection. But what happens if you take your Viagra and then your partner does want to have sex? And then you just have this big erection and you're like, I don't know what to do with this erection. So I think it affects the spontaneity of like a sexual experience because you're thinking about it and anticipatory anticipating a sexual experience. And if that and then that adds pressure to that sexual experience. So I don't love medication alone. Also, sometimes medication doesn't work for purely performance-based, like psychological performance anxiety, because your mind and your body are so intimately connected that when you're having such anxiety in your mind, it is so manifested in the body and you physically cannot get an erection. Cialis is better than Viagra, though, because you take it every day.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Erectile Dysfunction And Performance Anxiety

SPEAKER_02

Right, right. It's true. So, how do you do you mind sharing a little bit? Let's say we have a viewer listening who's struggling with erectile dysfunction, uh, especially the psychological part. Where do you start to help them?

SPEAKER_03

So I would look at the thoughts before. Well, one, I would determine if it is biological erectile dysfunction or psychological. If that's let's say we have. Let's say we determine that. Psychological. Psychological, let's look at the thoughts. What are we thinking around erections? So, like, what might be, what are you thinking before you're having a sexual experience? I would ask that person those thoughts. How are you feeling in your body? I'm feeling really anxious. I feel like I'm not doing enough to please my partner. Okay, okay, like let's pause. Let's try to unwind that. What do you mean, please your partner? Why is it about pleasing your partner? Let's unwind that. Where is that coming from? Well, I feel like if I don't please my partner, I'm not enough. Oh, okay. Wait a second. What do you mean you're not enough? I didn't know that your value and your worth was coming from giving your partner an orgasm. Let's unwind that. Let's unwind some of these beliefs we have around sex. Let's unwind, okay, performance. Okay, where is that coming from? What is maintaining that belief? And now let's focus on some better and healthier beliefs that can lead you towards a better sex life.

SPEAKER_02

Hmm. Is that that's pretty common, isn't it, Manessa, for men to feel that the pleasing a woman that is their job? Yes. Even more than more than women have that belief. On both sides. On both sides.

SPEAKER_03

On both sides, even. I think we are so far from okay, I have to do this to please this person. Why? Nobody ever put that on you. And I think men and women are very deeply misunderstood because women do the same thing. I need to please my partner, I need to give him an orgasm, and men too, I need to give her an orgasm. It's like, no, we just need to connect. So common.

SPEAKER_02

It's not even about the end result. It's not about the orgasm, it's about the connection. It's about the connections. If the orgasm happens, that's fine. And if it doesn't, that's fine.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, if it happens, it happens. Great. But if it doesn't, like we got Enjoy this pleasure together. How lucky are we?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so important. Yeah, to keep coming back to that word connection. Uh it's and being in that moment with that other person. Yeah. Wow. Uh, Vanessa, another topic we often hear about, and yet there are varying ideas about it. We briefly mentioned it as at the beginning, a little earlier, is that's pornography. So I'm curious, as an uh as an A an Asex professional, what are your thoughts about pornography? Uh, on and I'm sure you know every therapist has different thoughts and things about pornography. And how

Porn Boundaries And Out Of Control Sex

SPEAKER_01

do you conceptualize um porn addiction? You know, that word is often through thrown out there, it's used all the time. Oh, he's a porn addict or porn addiction. What's your best advice for couples around this topic of pornography? Because it can be pretty controversial.

SPEAKER_03

Very, very controversial. The way I conceptualize porn addiction, we actually call it out-of-control sexual behavior in Asect. Um, the way I conceptualize it is research has shown that 99.9% of out-of-control sexual behavior is comorbid, meaning co-occurring with another disorder. So it could be depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, and the porn addiction is actually a coping mechanism for another disorder. So they might not have enough dopamine in their brain and they're watching porn to get more dopamine. Also, the problem with porn is it is so easily accessible that you can get this quick fix and this quick hit of dopamine very easily. There's also another way to conceptualize it relationally. So depending on your relational agreement is how you determine if porn is okay in your relationship. Some people see porn as a complete betrayal. They see it as watching another person having sex. And to that person, it is very wrong and not okay. And when you have that belief, you need to share it with your partner and have these relational agreements on what cheating and betrayal looks like. For some women or some men, they don't care at all if their partner watches porn. But if that partner cares and they don't know that their partner really cares and they see that as cheating, they see that as a betrayal and they find out, that's going to cause a huge rupture in your relationship. So I think it's about figuring out your relational agreement, what betrayal is, and what are your beliefs around porn?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Are we on the same page? Yeah, about this. Yeah. And if one person's not, then we're not on the same page. And I might feel this betrayal or this secrecy. And, you know, secrecy, man, that can have some of the acid, you know, on this, the poison on relationships is that secrecy going somewhere doing something that I know this person doesn't want me to do. And uh yeah, that can just lead to so many other powerful.

SPEAKER_03

That leads to that person feeling shame too. If a person knows that they are doing something and they shouldn't be doing it, they feel an emotion called shame. And shame is extremely destructive because that person continues that behavior, they do it in isolation, and they do it more often. So we need to eliminate shame completely for that person to feel okay about talking about it so they can eliminate the behavior because they do it more when they feel ashamed and they do it in secret.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So is it is uh how common is it then for trained, highly trained sex therapists to um promote, recommend pornography? Sounds like it's not common.

SPEAKER_03

Uh it really depends on the situation. I have a couple, I don't like um the big porn sites. There's a couple creators that I really like. Um, Chris and Kate Marley, they do a really good job of showing what real sex looks like. Um, so there's like if I'm going to recommend porn, which I don't typically do unless it's really to show what, like a comparison of like, okay, this is really hardcore porn versus like this is actually what love making looks like, they do a really good job of showing that. So I do like those creators. There's certain creators that do a good job and actually show what real, their real sex looks like, but not very common.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah. I am smiling because, gosh, back in the day, or so, you know, I don't know, I don't know how many years ago, I don't know, been doing this 35, so maybe 25 years ago. I do we had some of those videos of sex therapists showing beautiful love making. And um, I probably wouldn't recommend those today, but back then it was kind of common. But it was so funny. I remember this one couple coming in and I asked, you know, what did they think about it? I really wanted to get some feedback. And she says, Well, I couldn't stop looking at her, and he couldn't stop looking at him, and they just felt so inadequate, right? Like my body doesn't look like hers. And oh, the comparison's so bad. So it's like, oh shoot, there we go again, back to comparisons. Yeah, the comparison is so bad. It's such a poison. Being able to ask you about that. Because I think back in the day it was more prescribed, maybe than it is now. Hard to find that beautiful loving that you're saying.

SPEAKER_01

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_00

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_02

You know, going back to EV, real quick, if you don't mind, Vanessa, not real quick, didn't mean that, but um, how do you show up for a partner struggling with erectile dysfunction without making that very tender situation even more difficult to discuss?

SPEAKER_03

Oh, it's such a good question. My number one pet pee

Supporting A Partner With ED

SPEAKER_03

is when women come and say, My partner has rectile dysfunction, do they not find me attractive? Do they not love me anymore? What am I doing wrong? I'm like, it's not about you. Are you sure it's not about you? Because when you do that, your partner now feels embarrassed and very, very sad that they have made you feel that way. And then that fuels those negative thoughts of now it is my fault, and I now need to get my penis to be erect for my partner to feel okay. When they already came into the situation feeling nervous, feeling anxiety, maybe that their penis would not become erect. And then that happens. And not only do you have to deal with your shame, then you have to deal with your partner's emotion. It's not about you, it's about your partner. Yeah. So the biggest piece of advice is just be there for your partner. It's not about you. Do not make it about you. Hold them, be like, it's okay, babe. Like you'll have an orgasm, it's gonna be fine. Still love you, still super hot. Like, maybe we can draw again later.

SPEAKER_02

Like I just makes me smile how you how you approach that, Menace. It's beautiful. Yeah, normalizes it.

SPEAKER_03

It happens. Once in your life, you're going to have ED. Your penis is not going to work the way that you think it is going to work. And actually, that's a big thing where erectile dysfunction kind of starts. Around age 35, um, men naturally have a decrease in erectile functioning. So your penis might not get hard one time. And the way that your brain reacts to that can create a snowball effect if you're like, it's gonna be totally fine next time. Like, I'll just skip, we'll just try again. Or it can be, oh my gosh, what's going on? Is this going to happen all the time? Am I still gonna be able to have an erection? Am I gonna be able to please my partner? And then that is a quick trip to erectile dysfunction.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_02

And lack of desire, right? And lack of connection. And I I bet it just is a domino.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, because if you have anxiety that your penis isn't gonna work, you're probably not gonna want to have sex.

SPEAKER_05

Wow.

SPEAKER_02

Let's go back to where it all started when you study police sexual trauma. Um, you you sit with stories that are often unspeakable, Vanessa, without a doubt. And you've mentioned that reclaiming intimacy is not just a return to what once was, but a journey towards feeling safe, full, and seen. What do you want

Healing After Sexual Trauma

SPEAKER_02

survivors of sexual trauma to hear from you today?

SPEAKER_03

Um, one that the trauma wasn't their fault. A lot of survivors believe that what happened to them was their fault. They provoked it in some kind of way. That is not true. You did not ask for what happened to you. Um, it was done to you, and there's no amount of money that you would pay for that to have happened to you, so you didn't ask for it. Um, and that it does get better. It takes time and it's really hard. But the survivors that I see oftentimes have a better sex life after than before because they actually learn what healthy sexuality looks like. And they learn about their bodies, they learn about what they like, they find their sexual voice, they are able to be sexually assertive, meaning they're able to ask for what they want, they know what they want. And when they use that sexual voice, they get what they want and they are able to have a better sex life because of it.

SPEAKER_02

That's really quite beautiful. And I think that would be helpful information, education for any woman, regardless of sexual trauma.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, absolutely. Sexual assertiveness is super important. If you're not able to know what you want and then ask for it, how are you supposed to get it?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, good girls don't kind of thing, right? A philosophy of sometimes religion and ah, yeah. Sometimes it's misunderstanding. It's a misunderstanding. Yeah, no one's fault, really. I think we just misunderstand.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. And we don't ask and we don't question it. We just go with the flow. It's like, let's be intentional, let's figure out what my body is like, how does it respond to different forms of touch? Do I like affectionate touch? Do I like sensual touch? Do I like more playful touch? What types of erotic touch do I like? And we don't ask those questions. That might be changing, right? It might be different every experience. Yeah. Based on the day. Maybe, maybe I'm on vacation and I like having sex in public. And maybe at home you're like, no, I live in this town, I can't do that.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, that's wonderful. With all your keen insights and training and and fun loving style, Vanessa Cushy. Um, Vanessa Cushing, we want our friends and family here to be able to easily find you. Share your website and social media contact here, please. And we're gonna add that to our show notes.

SPEAKER_03

Of course.

Finding Vanessa And Building Daily Connection

SPEAKER_03

Um, cushioncounseling.com. That's me. Um, Cushion Counseling on Instagram, Facebook. I post some videos with some more tips, so feel free to check it out. And we do a free consultation. Um, we are currently serving um Virginia, DC, Maryland, and Florida. But I truly hope my goal, my dream is to serve every single state in the United States. So there will be a certified sex therapist in every single state, and you can access our services.

SPEAKER_02

You do some online though in other states, right? Online therapists. Online, yeah. It's all online. Okay, wonderful. So I thought I saw Utah on your site. Um, it used we used to have a therapist in Utah. Um got it. That's what you're saying. All right. Another one. We'll get we'll get somebody else. Someone's listening to this now, and they'll be in touch with you. That'd be amazing. And I I gotta compliment you on your website. I thought it was so great. The article's there. Thank you. I put it some good ones. That website again is cushioncounseling.com. Yeah. Thank you so much for that. We'll put it right there for easy finding.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Hey, Vanessa, as we get ready to wrap up, we've got a couple of questions we like to ask all of our listeners. The first one is in honor of the name of our podcast, Stronger Marriage Connection, what do you feel like is a key to a stronger marriage connection?

SPEAKER_03

Oh, such a good question. And I was telling you both, um, I love the name of your podcast because it centralizes the word connection. And connection is the most important part of keeping a marriage sound. And what do I mean by connection? It's the day-to-day little things that you do to your partner, knowing your partner, seeing your partner, and then connecting with them on that level. Pay attention. Like, look at okay, my my partner really loves for for me, for my example is I I really love to run. And my partner doesn't like to run. He's not a runner, but he will go with me on a run, like a 30-minute easy run with me. And I know that he loves the World Cup is on. So I will watch the games with him. Like, I don't love soccer, but I know he does, and it's better together.

SPEAKER_02

Vanessa, just right there in that little break. Do you mind talking about your running? Just tell what your goal is.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, um, I um my goal is to run all six of the world majors um in honor of sexual trauma survivors to raise awareness, to raise money, to give free therapy to survivors. You've done three? I've done four. Four. I've done um Berlin. I've done London, I've done Tokyo, and what was left? Oh, I've done New York. New York, so only Chicago and Boston left. Is it to raise money for sexual awareness? Raise money and raise awareness. So um I will uh write names of survivors on my body with a Sharpie. So clients, friends, people who have I've asked if I could honor them, um, and I will run for them. That is amazing. Yeah. I'll be the first person to ever run all sex for sexual trauma survivors.

SPEAKER_01

Uh absolutely love it. Yeah, thanks for what you're doing. Um what about a take-home message? Is there a takeaway from the mess, you know, our discussion today that you just hope that our listeners will remember?

SPEAKER_03

Talk to each other and stop blaming each other. The more you blame each other, the further away you're gonna get. Just sit down, have a hard conversation. The hard thing and the right thing are often the same. Also, it's these little things that people do. They're like it's like making your bed in the morning. It's like going to bed on time. It's these little things that we know we need to do, but we don't do it. Those things are so important. So just keep doing the hard thing.

SPEAKER_01

Talk to each other. Well said. Liz, what about you? What's your takeaway of the day with Vanessa?

SPEAKER_02

Well, there's several. You know, I I love this whole idea that desire is a team effort. It truly is. It's about the partnership, it's not just about the individuals, it's about the team. And I I love the term out-of-control sexual behavior. I'm not sure why. I haven't heard that. If I have, it didn't stay with me. Dave, I don't know about you, but and I love that comorbidity reminder when it comes to that out-of-behavior. What was that? Out of control sexual behavior. Anyway, so so many good things. Um, Dave, my friend, what about you? What's your favorite golden nugget? What are you taking away today from our time with Vanessa Cushing?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, for me, yeah, Vanessa, I think you nailed it with that word connection. Um, if we could slow down, uh you know, we're born with three needs of safety, satisfaction, connection. And when it comes to sexual intimacy in our life, having a safe place, you know, being able satisfaction, yes, is a piece of that. And connection, I mean, that is one of the few things that sexual intimacy that can meet all three needs, but if but man, it can be challenging. And that the whole stat, I think, from the the beginning, right? Getting things off from the start. Many of our listeners are past that two years, so they're wondering, uh, well, what can we do? There there is help, there's hope, that there's there's resources. And I would think, yeah, echo what Vanessa says that communication start. Talking about it, uh, that vulnerability, um, being able to sit down and have that heart-to-heart uh conversation, I think is so critical. And if then if it's not working, uh absolutely outside help, get the resources that you need professionally, it can be so uh helpful.

SPEAKER_03

So Dave, I love what you said about safety. Like there is nothing without safety. Safety comes first. If you don't feel safe and to say no, you cannot say yes. So safety, oh, thank you so much for sharing that at the end.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Foundational. Yeah, I'm not gonna want to risk if I don't feel safe enough in this relationship.

SPEAKER_03

100%. Thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Vanessa, thank you so much again for joining us today, all the way from Miami, Florida. We appreciate you taking time out of your day to come uh share some wisdom with us here on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03

Thank you both for having me.

SPEAKER_01

All right, friends, that does it for us. We'll see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast.

SPEAKER_02

And remember, it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection. Take good care of yourselves and each other.

unknown

Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend.

Final Takeaways And Listener Resources

SPEAKER_01

You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you loved, which guests we should have on show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage or relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.