Stronger Marriage Connection

The One Relationship Skill Every Marriage Needs | Mike Elliott | 190

• Utah Marriage Comission

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Men are often expected to be strong, successful, and dependable while receiving little encouragement to express vulnerability or ask for support. Relationship coach Mike Elliott joins Dave and Liz to explore how emotional awareness, presence, and feeling heard and seen can transform relationships. Mike shares his Relational Authority framework, the importance of strong support systems, and a practical tool couples can use to create greater safety and connection. Learn why lasting relationship growth begins with taking responsibility for yourself and choosing devotion over domination. 

The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.

Takeaway of the Day 

  • Mike Elliott: An under-resourced person can become reactive and disconnected. Take an honest inventory of your emotional, physical, and relational resources. Build supportive relationships, care for yourself, and develop the capacity to show up with greater safety and gentle power. 
  • Liz Hale: Vulnerability, acknowledgment, and reassurance can deeply strengthen connection. The VAR framework offers a simple way to help your partner feel emotionally heard, seen, and safe. 
  • Dave Schramm: Slow down and remember that people are more important than problems. Presence, attention, reassurance, and appreciation create meaningful connection, especially when partners feel valued for their efforts and sacrifices.


Mike's Resources:

Website: https://www.itsmikeelliott.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mikeelliott.relating/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Itsmikeelliott

 


Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life.

Available now starting at 99¢ on Amazon and Dave's Book Store

Written by Dr. Dave Schramm, this practical and uplifting new book offers simple, research-based strategies to help you build greater happiness, strengthen resilience, reduce

Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.

Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: 

Strongermarriage.org  

Podcast.stongermarriage.org

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@StrongerMarriageLife

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@strongermarriagelife

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/

Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579


Dr. Dave Schramm: 

http://drdaveschramm.com

http://drdavespeaks.com

 

Dr. Liz Hale: 

http://www.drlizhale.com/ 

Welcome And Why Men Matter

SPEAKER_04

On today's episode, Dr. Liz and I sit down with Mike Elliott and take a deep dive into a very important discussion about men and relational authority. He shares about the importance of vulnerability, reassurance, respect, resources, appreciation, and the power of being heard and seen. He also unpacks the idea of devotion over domination and helps men see the importance of connecting with other men and connecting emotionally with their wife. Mike Elliott is a relationship coach, speaker, and founder of Relational Authority, a framework designed to help people lead their lives and relationships with greater presence, more authenticity, and emotional connection. His work focuses on helping individuals recognize unhealthy patterns, develop self-awareness, and build the capacity to show up more intentionally in their relationships. Through coaching, mentorship programs, and workshops, Elliot teaches that lasting transformation begins with taking responsibility for oneself rather than trying to change others. His practical and thought-provoking approach has helped many people strengthen their relationships, deepen their sense of purpose, and live with greater integrity. We hope you enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_00

So, Dave, I love that today's topic is all about men. So can I run a few lines past you to let me know what you think about this? In my experience, my experience, I think women, I think we're tough on men.

SPEAKER_04

Agree?

SPEAKER_00

Disagree.

SPEAKER_04

Agree. Agree, generally.

SPEAKER_00

I and

The Double Bind Men Live In

SPEAKER_00

I think men are tough on men. Agree? Disagree.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, I yeah, I think so. Kind of inadequate. Yeah, not doing enough, trying to do it all.

SPEAKER_00

Uh yeah, they're the first maybe to point that out. And society is tough on men.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, maybe often creating this maybe common double mind. On one hand, men, men are expected to be strong, stoic, often the primary provider. And on the other hand, we expect them to be emotionally present for us in our most intimate relationships. And yet we criticize them if they express stress, struggle, or vulnerability. It's like, okay, would you say this explains um this typical tendency that we're tough on guys, David? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_04

Oh, yeah. Be tough. Don't talk about emotions. Yeah, don't show emotions. No way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Man. Ah, man. Yeah, my empathy. Um I guess today knows well the struggles of life and manhood from day one of his life when he was first separated from his mother and then adopted twice before the age of 14 months. I mean, that had to have had some impact, right? Planted something deep inside him, this fear of rejection and a belief, possibly that he had to perform to remain worth keeping. Ah, that's crushing. But no experience is ever wasted. I really believe that. What framework emerged from his 20 years along this journey of self-discovery and attachment science, relational life therapy, which I love, and deep intuitive coaching was what he developed as relational authority. Here to share the details of his method and rich life is Mike Elliott. Welcome to Stronger Marriage Connection, Mike.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, so happy to be here. Looking forward to our conversation.

SPEAKER_00

We love having you from Canada. Love that country. Wonderful. Welcome, welcome, my friend. We love how you say you built relational authority because you needed it first. Isn't that just the emphasis, though, right? And the motivation, I think, for all of us. Rebuilt your own life from the inside out, you say. And that speaks volumes. I think about the heart and soul you put into your work with men. This really is your passion, isn't it?

SPEAKER_06

Oh my God. It's everything. It's my my lived life. It's the unique journey that life gave me that I've had to figure out.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm. And how many years have you had relational authority?

SPEAKER_06

Relational authority, I built it within the last year and a half, just following certain patterns and themes that I lived by that I was able to then intellectualize and bring to my male clients. I work in six-month containers with men. And the more I started to bring in this method, the more I started to watch men liberate from that place of isolation, not feeling good enough, and having that confidence, power, and capacity to be able to meet their partners and to be able to move in their own life. And then that's when I coined, okay, this is a method, this is a thing. Gotta double down on this and bring it to more men.

SPEAKER_00

And often men, you say, I think, might be successful on the outside, right? Everything looks good. Yeah, the world by the tail, but on the inside, well, what's happening? What did you find?

SPEAKER_06

I find there I saw it's the there's a silent struggle in men because I think society has really beaten down the tenderness

High Success And Hidden Shame

SPEAKER_06

of a man's heart that I believe every man has, every human has. And the messaging that has come from certain school systems, from even T programs, there's a lot of shaming in putting men down. And there's been a lot of messaging of your feelings or weakness. You know, I remember growing up with certain derogatory terms of if there was fear or if there was a shyness or if there was an expression that seemed a bit silly. There's, I think we all know what those terms are. You're such an insert. And then that trains oh, I don't actually get to bring this tender part of the human experience. I don't, and so cap it, cap it, cap it, cap it. And then that creates an imbalance in my experience when I'm working with men. When men end up, you know, sitting in front of me on a discovery call to do the work, to do a six-month container, it's gonna be work. And what often happens is a man sits in front of me, and for the first time in maybe decades, he feels safe enough to share what's behind the curtains of what society has kind of um forced him to protect. And what starts oh, and what starts to reveal so quickly is emotion, he's you know, often tears and the shyness starts to come back online. And then then the reveal of all the soothing strategies to try to have to cope with the distress inside of not belonging, of not getting to take up space. And how it's looked is high performing men, you know. I have some men that have multiple properties, you know, millions of dollars in the bank and they feel broken. They feel scared, they're insecure, they can't show up in their partner. Some of the multiple marriages or their marriage is about to end, that's usually what leads to the call, is life gets so painful that they're about to lose everything. And it comes from this place of them actually believing I'm broken. Something is wrong with me. I'm never, no matter how much I do, no how much, no matter how much I make, I'm not good enough. And the rapport card is my partner's pissed, she's withdrawing, she's criticizing me, I'm beating myself up. And it's not a conducive environment to higher levels of health. And so it's hard to function because it's all coming from survival: fight, flight, freeze, pushing, grinding, sleep when we're dead. And I think we've all heard those terms. And men have been rewarded to be that alpha macho man, but then there's a disconnect from the tenderness part. And if we don't have the tender part, we're actually not in a full embodied expression of power.

SPEAKER_00

Or relationship or really anything, right? Life.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. The phrase, the phrase that I use here that I've watched in the pattern of men that I've worked with over the years that highlights it is an under-resourced man is a dangerous man. And an under-resourced man is a disconnected man. Dis disconnected from his emotions, disconnected from his already lived life, his past, his history, disconnected from just his feelings, his expression,

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SPEAKER_06

his his beliefs. And when there's that disconnect, we do barbaric things. We become more reactive, we defend, we deflect, and then guess what? We piss off the feminine. And now the criticism increases because there's a disconnect from nature itself.

SPEAKER_04

Powerful truth, Mike. I think very few are actually hitting this and talking about what you're talking

(Cont.) High Success And Hidden Shame

SPEAKER_04

about. I mean, a man can, you know, hit all the numbers, bring in the income, you know, built a team, earned respect, but at home, he feels like a stranger in his own life. And you share that the answer isn't another strategy for optimization, right? It's part of him that was never given permission to exist.

SPEAKER_06

This is where I really lean into the brilliance of Dan Siegel, who's done decades of research on the psyche. And something that really stood out in his work for me that helped me make sense of my own life was when he described that our level of health is determined based off of our capacity to integrate our already lived life.

Trauma Integration And Human Connection

SPEAKER_06

And to go a layer deeper is somebody's level of trauma can be determined based off of their a person's parents' understanding of their childhood. This is such important information because if we don't make sense of the life that we've already lived, and if we we won't be able to understand where we're actually in our body, in our embodiment, where our nervous system is frozen, parts of us frozen or collapsed or shut down or dissociated. And then we'll just live from that place, thinking that everything's fine. If we just live from that place, we're not fully whole. We're not in an adult perspective. We can't take in the full picture. And that's what makes this dangerous. Because if we don't know what we don't know, if we don't go and make sense of, whoa, what's the belief system I took on from how my parents embodied love in front of me? Or, you know, when I had a need, how was it met? Was it met with kindness? Was I reassured when I was scared, or was I shamed or put down? If we were shamed and put down, as an as one example, will the nervous system, if it we all have a biological reach. We all have a switch inside that will reach for help and support when we are in a vulnerable state. That is healthy nature of humanity. But if that reach for connection or reassurance is rejected or shamed or put down, guess what? That switch eventually turns off. If it happens enough times, that switch turns off. And then we actually don't reach for the thing that will bring in more health, that will help us integrate our life. You know, this is the ultimate pain point, is when that switch turns off because we gain strength and capacity by staying connected to each other. And this has been studied by, you know, one of my other mentors, uh, Stan Tatkin, studied this. And the people who are bonded have the most health and live the longest because the bond itself, being connected to another person, that level of safety is the thing that releases the endorphins, the dopamine, the serotonin. And if we don't have that, we're actually dumping cortisol. We're actually ending our life sooner than it could be because of the cortisol. The cortisol, we know that it chips away at the system, but connection itself is the thing that digests that. So it's super important to understand, oh my God, we need to make sense of the past that is unconsciously playing out through our moment to moment. Like when I connect with you guys, the more time we spend together, you're gonna poke and provoke all the unintegrated pieces of my life. That's triggers, right? We all know what triggers are. We've all been there, we've all had our heels, you know, been up on our heels and defended and deflected and reacted. Then after we feel really shitty about it, we all have triggers because we're all human. But if we don't get to know what it's actually about and process it and integrate it and bring it into connection, it won't resolve and leave the system. And then we won't get to graduate into higher levels of health. And then that's what makes relationship really hard is we're you know relating from underdeveloped states of thinking.

SPEAKER_03

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_01

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_04

I mean, the the name of our show, right? Stronger Marriage Connection. We're born with this need for for state. Rick Hanson talks about safety, satisfaction, and connection. We have to be able to connect attachment, you know, for babies and and so on. And men, it feels like have had this. Yeah, we don't have. I mean, the research shows, the number of friends, every, you know, the people that we can

Brotherhood As The First Resource

SPEAKER_04

open up with is continued to decrease. So Mike, I'm curious. As a men's coach, then you've discovered something that happens when a man stops performing and starts living, right? You're talking about real transformation. You and you say you can relate to the high-achieving man who may be listening today, and even though he appears to have everything on the outside, he feels completely broken on the inside. How common is this scenario? And do you have a simple starting point to begin a more authentic and satisfying path?

SPEAKER_06

Uh it's it's such a painful place to be, and unfortunately, such a familiar man find themselves because look, first I'll I'll I'll give the piece that to start with. Yes. First piece to start with is ask yourself the question do you have at least two, but ideally five really close men in your life that you can bring your full self to when you are scared or insecure or you're having a problem with a relationship? Do you have two to five men that you can go and share anything with? If not, that's number one priority because that is the basic, basic resource of being a man. If you don't have brotherhood, you don't have power. We are meant to be refined in the presence of other men. This is, you know, what initiation in my perspective is. You know, my online program where support men is called the initiated man because when I look back at the patterns, you know, it makes me think of Tony Robbins. Pattern recognition is power, right? So if we go back and look at healthy cultures, they all have one thing. Brothers. Men double down on relationship with men because they know they're stronger by pushing against and and getting mirrors back of what the experience of man is that's going to be very different with women. That's what creates real tactical physiological strength and capacity, is going out into nature in the old times and facing fear and possible death and having to sort things out that really create uh a lasting strength. But so many men, because of the culture that we live in, you can sit behind a desk all day and just slowly degrade the capacity and the strength. And so the first step I would say go and just take an honest inventory. Do you have those two to five men? If not, it's time to find it. It's time to find somebody on social media that you feel safe with, that you resonate with. Find out if they have offerings, move towards it. You know, I'm an op option, I'm a coach, that's what I do. But if there's someone else, it doesn't have to be me. Find a man that you feel safe with or curious about, move towards it, find men's groups, find spaces. This is why, you know, and if you're an alcoholic, this is why AA is so helpful. It's a group of people who are safe, where you can bring that part of you. You're not going to be ashamed and put down. And then there's a system to follow. And when you follow that system, it brings you into higher levels of health because you're integrating the challenges of that place. And to double down on why this is so important is I know this one from the inside because the way that I entered the world created so much trauma in me. I had no idea. Most people are walking around, they don't even understand that they have unresolved trauma. Like they actually think, yeah, I had a good childhood. I don't know, everything's fine. Okay, well, what's your life looking like? Well, I'm depressed. I'm drinking, I doom scroll, I'm looking at porn. Okay, well, if we just look at that report card, there's a lack of health there. So I think there's trauma that we got to look at. Eventually, we're gonna have to look at it. You know, good old saying, you got to feel the heel. You can't just keep coping and soothing and expect to, you know, reach the that those higher levels of health. And I had to learn that one the hard way of following the chase of status and money and success. And then once I got it all, you know, the beautiful wife, the house, the jet boat, the truck, the theater room. I was miserable. And then one day, wife just walked out and I didn't even expect it. That's how numb I was. I couldn't even take in the feedback that I wasn't doing a very good job of being a man because I was living in my head. Tony says it, you know, good old Tony Robbins, good old saying of in your head, you're dead. I lived in my head. And I was reading all the books, like hundreds of books, listening to all the podcasts, all the mental masturbation that I thought would set me free. But it didn't. The work did. Once I was humbled by the divorce and all of the status was meaningless because I lost the person I cared about the most, I actually had to go seek out the scariest thing for men. And that is to move towards someone and actually start to open my heart up and reveal my life, my inner world, so I could integrate it and then get the things that I was looking for was more joy and clarity and where I want to go and what I want to do, and you know, what are what's my purpose? That all came from doing the work. But I had to move towards relationship because the wounding happens in relationship, and I believe the healing has to happen in relationship.

SPEAKER_00

That's that's powerful, powerful stuff. Let's go back to marriage in the family system if you don't mind, Mike. There seems to be a hidden cost to men at always needing to be the strong one. How does that show up?

SPEAKER_06

Oh man. So many men, their standards inside of their psyche are so high, and they just what I see in the most common pattern is they want to be

Performance Versus Presence At Home

SPEAKER_06

the best in everything that they do. And so the performance is high. I need to have my sleep regime, I gotta my eating habits, my workout, I gotta do this, and I gotta reach these targets and higher ROIs at work. And there's so much pressure in the nervous system because of the standards that are actually unrealistic. It's too high that there's not enough space to just be imperfect, to have grace and compassion for the moments where you're not on your A game. And oh no, you did have you miscommunicated with the partner. That pressure is actually squeezing the life out of the organism. We need we need to really embody a balance between masculine and feminine energy. And for anyone listening to oversimplify at a at a rooted in nature way, masculine energy is the energy of becoming. It's the part that likes to build, that really loves logic and it wants to expand its consciousness and its understanding, and it wants to penetrate life with that becoming, becoming something, a leader, respected. But then we also have the feminine part. And the feminine part is the being. It's the part of us that can surrender. It's the part of us that can soften into what is. It's the part of us that, you know, when I hang out with my partner, I really get to learn that part mirrored back because it's stronger in her, where the most important thing in the room is actually the relational space. Is there harmony here? How's everyone doing? Are we connected? Like the being part. If we're not connected, what's the point? Like that's it, doesn't feel good if we're disconnected. And so what I've seen in a lot of men who are in high performance is the part, the work that's being invited is the feminine being part. Can I actually slow down to even get in touch with what's happening in my body? Am I in an open state? Am I in curiosity? Or am I just on this forever gas pedal of more performance? Because maybe if I get enough status and money, then I'll get the thing I'm really looking for is respected by my wife, all the reflections of how well I'm doing and how much I'm appreciated. And then maybe held in the places that I've never been held. The longing, you know, how you know how often I hear the state statement with the men I work with? I just want her to be soft and gentle.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

And they think if they perform more and get more money and status, then they'll get it. But then they're not getting it because that's the very driving force that's creating the disconnect is the presence is missing. They don't care often about the money. They just want eye contact, they just want space for them to share their inner experience and have reflections back that that matters. And that's the thing that creates the softness is can you put your work down? Look into my eyes, contain yourself to not have to go and do anything else and just give me all of you right now. That's what women are longing for. But it's hard for men to do because they are just stuck in the head often. They're so focused on the thing, because it wasn't safe to slow down and drop into that tender part because of what happened in their brains keeping them safe with all the different, you know, gates and protectors. But if there's a practice of slowing down and bringing that part to a relationship, we're opening up a whole new possibility where now the feminine gets to become soft and give that part to the piece that has been running and chasing something for uh in most cases decades.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, that's powerful, Mike. I and I could completely agree. Can we flip that, Eve? And in other words, what is what does our wife really need from us that we're often out bringing to the table? And it feels like that's the us, right? Our presence, our our attention. And I feel like that's probably the greatest gift we can give. I mean, our love, but not necessarily our time. It's our it's our all-in attention. Like I'm here, I'm with you. I'm not thinking about something else, I'm not on my phone, you know, I'm not distracted, but it's that all in attention. And I guess how do you help guys to wake up to that reality of uh instead of you know being functional, it's got to be fulfilling.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06

This practically it has to be an experience. What I've learned is men have to experience it at least once to defrag and break the brain for it to really land and register of, oh, I've been looking at it wrong. I've been looking at my partner wrong. So I'm gonna give an example of how this looks in my day-to-day life. And then I'm gonna give you a framework that I created called a heard and seen framework that creates the experience that's felt that will break your brain. First thing that we need to understand is we we need to oversimplify this because our brain can over-complicate it and have all these stories

The VAR Method For Being Heard

SPEAKER_06

stacked up against our partners. And it's what I call you me consciousness. When we're in you me consciousness, we're not in a higher state of our mind, we're not in the prefrontal cortex. We are in an adaptive child part of our brain. So we need to make sense of this. Men and women are different. We need to start there. We're different. Men default to logic. We want to make sense of things when we're relating, we're looking for the words, and like that doesn't line up, that doesn't make sense, that's not what you said. That logic. Women are feeling oriented. Feeling oriented. Women need to be seen in their emotions and what they're expressing. This is the biggest pain point of what's preventing the presence, what's preventing the harmony and the connection. Woman starts to express from her feeling, and a man looks at it logically and then responds logically. Feminine just it's like a flower that's starting to blossom and then you know gets hit or squeezed. It's just like it doesn't want to open. It can't biologically, it's trying to, but it keeps getting hit with logic, and then that stifles the feeling. So I'm gonna give you an example of this how this looks in my home. It happened two days ago. My partner was feeling a bit stressed about something, and I could see it on her face. There was worry. My default logical brain looks at her distress and sees it as a threat. This is for most men. Women are scanning for safety 24-7. Let's just all be let's let's just speak that. Take notes if you're listening, write that down. If you're gonna write anything down, 24-7 women are scanning for safety. That are how that's how you're biologically built. It's really helpful for us in humanity that they are tracking that because that's what keeps us all connected. But it's hard to relate with if men are scanning for threat. If we go back into, you know, cultures, men are then the women would say, Hey, oh my God, there's a tiger over there because she's constantly scanning for safety. And then the men would go, okay, we're on it. And they're scanning for their threat, and they're gonna solve that problem, and we're gonna go take care of that tiger. That's how it used to work. And we all have these nervous systems that function in that way. They all have a right role. But now we're in homes that are so luxurious and we just have four walls. So now we're emotionally beating each other because the men are scanning for the threat, and that's the women in motions in their emotions that aren't feeling safe and looking for reassurance. And I want to oversimplify that piece. Men, women are looking for reassurance. Reassurance. This is how it looks like, this is what it looks like. I digress. So the other day, walk into the house, she's stressed, I can see it on her face. And I walk in, and my logical brain defaults to I want to get away because I'm taking this personal. Now I think I've done something wrong. And now I'm kind of irritated and frustrated, and I want her feelings to go away so I can feel better inside of myself because I'm totally personalizing what's happening over there. And I just want to feel free and that everything's okay. Why can't she just be happy? Let's be in the goodness of life. That's my default. And then I go into okay, Mike, whoa, what's happening for me? Okay, let's reconnect with me. Breathe. She's, dude, she's scared. She's different than you, she needs reassurance. Okay, right. Yeah. And so I walk up to her, I reset myself. I walk up to her and I go, This is key. And if you're listening, write this down. Three times slower than your default. Move three times slower than your default. Women are scanning through through the nonverbal cues. When you slow your pace down, already they start to feel seen because their brain, their neurosceptors, are picking up. Oh, he's adjusting his power and how he's moving towards me. And she's scanning and picking that up. She's already starting to soften and be curious. And so I walk up to my partner Courtney, slow right down. And I put one of my hands on her back and I pull her in gently closer to me. And then I grab my eyes and I go a bit lower than hers.

SPEAKER_02

And then I say, Hey, sweetie, can you look at me? Hey, I can see you're scared.

SPEAKER_06

I'm here. And then I take my other hand and I put it over her heart on her chest. And what I'm doing there is I'm helping her feel the containment physically. And it's not too firm. I'm just I find that place, hand on her heart, hand on her back, and I look in her eyes and I just give her reassuring statement. Sweetie, I'm right here. I got you. And then she took a big breath. Already she feels seen. Not with some words that I like because I'm giving her containment in a world where she's starting to spin out in her emotions.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_06

And then she looks up to me and she she's got tears in her eyes. Cause I say, I'm here, I got you, and I love you. And then she looks at me and says, You love me? I'm like, sweetie, I love you so much. And then just tears. The old version of me 10 years ago, and like, oh my god, she's asking if I love her. Of course I love her. I'm here. Like, how many times do I need to say this? But I've learned I'm gonna say it as many times as I need to for the rest of my life to give her body the experience of reassurance when she needs it because she is forever changing, always. That's feminine energy in all of us. It's the part that's unpredictable, we can't make sense of it. It's forever changing. A woman's moon cycle every month, every month she's reorganizing her entire experience. It deserves reassurance as many times as it's needed, especially because we live in a culture that is minimized and dismissed and gaslit women forever. And so a lot of is it even personal to you, the man standing there, but you get to be the one to break the cycle, bring your what I call gentle power to her, and then see her in the distress and give her the reassurance. Guess what? Now she gets to grieve all the time she didn't get that from her dad. She gets to grieve all the time she didn't get that from her past boyfriends, and she actually gets to experience safety in a way she's always biologically needed, but you were the one that offered it. You know how good that feels as a man? Inside, I'm like, oh, I did it. Like, oh my God. Now she's just melting in my arms, bawling, letting all the energy go. And now I'm free because now I'm the man in who I'm being in my doing. I'm the man that gets to be the banks of the river, help her feel safe. And now she's not looking for threat. She's now just been met emotionally. And now I get to go walk away and maybe share this on a podcast and inspire another man to give the physical presence and reassurance. And then this is where we get stronger together because these are not the conversations we had from our fathers. These are not the conversations we had in school. They don't teach this. But it's the thing that's needed that actually creates the reconnection. And that's not just serving for the woman, that's serving for the man because now there's less cortisol inside of me. It's in my enlightened self-interest to have my partner feel safe in her body. And so I better get to know how her owner's manual works. So I can do those moments, have those moments where she can trust me because she more she trusts me. Guess what? This is the big one. What men are always longing for to be appreciated for the value that they bring and how hard they work. Guess what I end up getting? Because of who I'm being in the relationship. Oh my God, sweetie, that was so helpful. Oh my God, thank you. That's exactly what I needed. Oh my God. Wow. Thank you for doing your work. Oh my God, I believe in you. Um, I appreciate you so much. God, you just you've given me a healing experience. Uh, the the most healing experience I've ever had with the masculine in my entire life. You know how good that feels? I'm getting my own need met of the value and the respected for the use of my power because I'm actually using it in an attuned way, in a way that's helpful. That's freeing for both people.

SPEAKER_00

That reciprocation makes so much sense.

SPEAKER_03

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_01

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_00

That's a really incredible example of that. Thank you for sharing that story, Mike.

SPEAKER_06

And I want to deliver, I just if I can, I want to deliver because I said I'm gonna give you the method. So there's the story, there's what it looks like in Pactable every day. And so I'm gonna give you the method. It's the heard and seen uh framework. And you can remember it is var. Var stands for vulnerability, acknowledgement, and reassurance. So in my story, what I did was I recognized, and it can be used in a few different ways, but I'm gonna use it, it can be used externally and internally. So if you go back to my story, the first thing that I did was I used VAR on myself. I recognized my own vulnerability. I was feeling triggered by her upset. And then I put my hand on my chest and I was like, whoa, Mike, you got triggered. So vulnerability first. I noticed my own vulnerability. Okay, and then I acknowledged, Mike, yeah, you're triggered. You're going to logic. Totally makes sense. This is like work that wasn't handed down from your dad. So we're hitting the limitations of what you were modeled. Okay, I acknowledge that. And I give myself reassurance, Mike. You can do this, dude. You're men's coach. Like, you teach this. Like, let's go. Okay, breathe, feel my feet on the ground. And then I talk to myself. And this comes from Dan Siegel's work. I'll actually say, hey, body. I say little buddy because I'm talking to the younger part of my nervous system. Like, hey, buddy, yeah, you're freaking out. I got you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm the adult now. I'm an adult. I can hold this. We're fine. And then I release, I take a big exhale. Now I have more resource. So remember, an underresource man is a dangerous man. That's how you create resource is through VAR. Now I have what I call one inch of space. I have more capacity to offer my partner. Now we turn VAR to the other. So how you use VAR when we're relating with your partner is you have to recognize the vulnerability without the story. So how this looks is I'm looking at Courtney, my partner, and I'm looking at the facts around vulnerability. How am I noticing it? Well, her forehead is frowned and her eyes are kind of fidgeting and looking around. She's like scanning. Okay, she's scared. So I'm looking at the vulnerability. Okay, great method. What does the framework say? I need to acknowledge and reassure her. If I acknowledge her and reassure her, she will feel heard and seen. And then that is what will create the safety. We all need that. This is the, you know, one of the pillars or one of the frameworks I use in relational authority is once we learn how to use this piece, your entire world changes. So that's when I moved towards her. I recognized she was scared, the vulnerability, and then I brought in the acknowledgement. What was the acknowledgement? Well, if you remember my story and what happened the other day, hey, I can see you're scared. And then the reassurance. I'm here. I got you. I love you so much. The second she was seen in the vulnerability, acknowledged for her experience without me putting my story on top and giving the reassurance, that's when she could let go. That's when she could go into the tenderness of her heart and have the good cry. And then I had tears just being able to offer that. And then I released because the part of me that used to be tense and rigid and fighting against it, uh, it was it let go. And so, because of the VAR on the inside and the VAR used outside, both of us heard and seen, and now we're in the thing that we both want with just feeling connected and safe.

SPEAKER_00

Bingo.

SPEAKER_06

Bingo. There's your deliverable.

SPEAKER_00

For that you also emphasize um placing devotion over domination in your good work with men. I I really love this quote from your website, Mike, by the way. It's the most powerful man in the room isn't the one who dominates it. He's the one who doesn't need to. Share more about that principle, please.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah. Ugh. There

Devotion Over Domination In Leadership

SPEAKER_06

are so many experiences that I've had in my past where the domination led because of all the unresolved fears and insecurities that I was trying to hide from. And so I'd walk in chest puffed. I remember where I really remembered is back in young days, going to bars and using my power to try to take up space and earn respect that way. But what I found is there's a whole other way of using power that isn't domination. It's devotion. And the devotion is just like I described using that framework with VAR, the devotion becomes can I regulate myself, be in my vulnerable experience, and lead from that place? Because then if I'm in that place of self-acceptance, there's nothing I need to prove. And something that I really love when I think about that is my definition that I now use as leadership. Because I don't know about you men listening, but I was really drawn and attracted to leadership growing up. And I thought leadership was status and money. I thought the more power I had, the more I would be the leader. But I was humbled by that because it didn't work. And so I had to find a new definition to grab onto because I have a logical brain. That's my default. So I needed something logically to attach and marry. And this is I'm going to give you the definition of what I believe true leadership is that's rooted in nature. And that is me knowing myself and having clarity in the direction that I'm going, that the decisions I make create an environment that nourishes me and the people around me.

SPEAKER_02

There's no domination in that.

SPEAKER_06

If I'm focused on being clear in my direction and the decisions that I make and my orientation as the environment that makes me feel well and the people around me, I've got a whole different goal. My trajectory, my ROI is the return on intimacy, not the return on my investments, the return on intimacy of my own experience. Am I tending myself well? How is my sleep hygiene? If I have all of that and I know that I'm on this mission to serve high-performing men, to drop down into their heart, not just their head, and actually take their power back and learn how to meet their partner with confidence and show up and watch their whole team transmute and change in a way where now their team is so stoked when they walk in a room and so wanting to respect and do perform more for them because they're coming in with relational authority. Like that's the mission. The clarity in my direction, I it helps me build an environment that I feel so good in. The more I feel good in my environment, the more it inspires people around me. I don't have to convince anyone. I don't have to overuse my power to make someone do something I don't want them to do. They just want to because of what I'm orienting to. And that's my environment. The more I know my environment, now we're just talking about attraction. We're talking about resonance. We're talking about safety. We're talking about approachability. Now it's where people say, Hey, I need to find you. Give me what you got, because there's so much freedom. But I think we all know the feeling of domination. I'm not, I don't know if this is a pushing a sore spot, but it makes me think of Trump as an example. I perceive there's places domination is being used and it kind of invokes a feeling. I think we all feel it in our gut, or it kind of hits that place. And I don't think Trump's a bad guy, but I'd say there's places where there's a misuse of power that isn't serving to a healthy environment. And then that creates chaos for everyone. Now we're fighting against each other. We're all on the same home, we're in the same home. We're on a rock hurling through outer space. I don't know, my definition, I don't know about you. That's a home. Like we can't get off it. We all sharing it. So that that for me, the the DMO then becomes whoa, we got to know how we're leading ourselves. Because if we're leading ourselves and we know the environment we want to create. In the world, we're actually creating more safety for other people to really do that for themselves. And then we just find where there's resonance. Then we don't have to make anyone bad or wrong. We just go to the environment that's more resonant. And then everyone gets to have the uniqueness of their differences, and we just find out where that right place is.

SPEAKER_04

Mike, you're you're going to great strife. I I know to build a culture of initiated men. Can you explain a little bit more about the traits of an initiated man?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, the trait of an initiated man, uh simply is presence. Presence is what's left over when all the performance is gone. When a man is in that level of

Initiation Integration Inspiration For Men

SPEAKER_06

presence, so clear on who he is and the direction that he's going. Like now we're talking about an initiated man, because if we want to look at what an initiation is, first of all, we gotta we gotta we gotta understand it. An initiation is just the pressure and the tension that squeezes, in this case, a boy into adulthood. If we let ourselves go into what's getting triggered inside of us and we learn how to feel our feelings instead of trying to bury them or soothe them or cap them, that's an initiation because there's a pressure and a tension inside that is trying to take up more space so that we can learn how to take that energy and evolve it into a higher level of maturity, adulthood. Which, if we want to hold space for other people's emotions, as an example. Partners, women, what are they pissed about? Not being emotionally met. Well, guess what? You want to emotionally meet a woman who has a bigger graph of spikes and highs and lows and the how the emotion how the hormones work move in a woman's body. Ours are generally more mellow. Well, if you want to learn how to hold those levels of spikes, you know, think about the most volatile stock or crypto. It takes a lot of capacity to stay present with it without making poor decisions, no different in relationships. So that means we then need to get to know the relationship with our own feelings inside if we want to hold space for another's. So many men have the intellectual pressure on themselves of I want to emotionally meet my partner, but I don't want to feel my emotions. How the heck are you gonna do that? Because all your emotions are gonna get invoked when you go and face that place. And so there's no avoiding that part of the work. We have to, as men, actually turn towards ourselves and start to move towards the initiation. And this is how I describe it you know, relational authorities, three pillars: initiation, integration, inspiration. Initiation's always happening, always has. That's being in a human body, pressure, intention, squeezing us to move from childhood behaviors into adult behaviors. Because if we move into adult behaviors, we are more resourcing to the whole. We have more to give. We find our God-given gifts and we bring them to humanity, and that feels good for both people. But if we don't do that, we're functioning from childlike behaviors or low quality thinking, is another way of looking at it. Well, now we're trying to prove ourselves and we're not as resourcing to others. And so the first pillar is having to understand where the initiations are. If we let that process happen, then we can discharge the energy. And now we get an insight in the shower, a new creative idea. All of a sudden, someone gets attracted into our life and is inviting us into this new opportunity. That clarity then moves into the second pillar, which is integration. This is practical because if we get that clarity and we look at our schedule, we should be able to see. If I look at your schedule, as an example, when I'm working with a man, I should be able to see just logically, oh, yeah, in your schedule, you have times chunked out for you to become the man that you say you want to become. So you change who you're being in the doing that creates the environment that your soul wants, that your heart wants, not just your head. And if that happens, if the first pillar and the second pillar happen really well, now a man's living from a new way of thinking of life is always initiating. The challenge, the pressure, my partner being pissed at me isn't a problem. It's my initiation. Can I do the work that Mike said? Follow that framework, do the thing. I've integrated that part where I'm projecting my mom onto her. If that work happens and moves into the integration and the new way of being, well, then great. Now we graduate and organically hit the third pillar, which is inspiration. When a man learns how to say yes to initiation, integrate his lived experience, going back to Dan Siegel's piece, he's discharging the energy, higher levels of health. And now life starts to become a place of inspiration where the head's not leading it. Now it becomes magical. And that you can call this woo-woo, whatever, but this is where synchronicity, serendipity, you go out into public, and all of a sudden somebody walks up to you and offers you an experience that's gonna, you know, give you 50 grand, or when you're driving through the parking lot and there's a spot that's opened up. If we're in higher levels of health, we're actually starting to create a new reality. Wayne Dyer, inspiration in spirit. Because we're lighter, because our energy is lighter and we're not carrying as much trauma, life mirrors back what it's always trying to. And that's life supports life. I'm here. I want you to win. These ideas that you're having, the creative inspirations that are coming from inside, are in service to humanity. So I'm gonna make it easeful for that to all happen. And what I've found is if a man follows those three, that's why I created relational authority. Wherever I've done that, all of a sudden now I'm living the life of my dreams. If I learn how to take responsibility for my life, say yes, integrate it, new way of being, life is happening for me. You know how relieving that is? I don't have to figure that out in my head. That now becomes life is happening for me. And I had a client last week, you know, if we just rewind six months ago, his belief, his inner state was, I'm broken, I'm so messed up, I feel so much shame for all the ways I've shown up as a father in my business. People are afraid of me. Just six months later, the messages I get are ones like, Oh, we had a pipe burst in the basement the other day. And my daughter came up to me and she said, Wow, dad, what? Who are you? And he's like, Well, what? Like, you're so calm. There's water flooding everywhere. Who are you? And he's like, What are you talking about? It's like the old you like would have been losing your shit right now, and you're so calm. And then she could rest into his presence, and then he just got to have a good cry and feel the reflection of how he's actually present. That now he's the calm in the storm, literally, you know, there's water flooding his house, and he's like, Well, and he just knew everything's fine, it's okay. And then that same guy, you know, what that looks like in work is that level of presence. Now he has a whole team that is so moved, moves towards him, believes in his mission that he ended up somebody reached out to him, created a partnership, and now they're creating franchises all over Canada. And now his business is now sellable for millions of dollars. And it was from him doing less. Like in the six months of us working together, all we were doing is integrating his past. He was actually taking space from the work and then showing up with the new way of being, which was with relational authority. Now his team feels safer with him. Now the team's all working better. I just wanted to share that so you listening can feel how important relational authority is because it's the thing that actually starts to bring and attract everything that's wanted in the first place. Respect, money, freedom, a happy partner.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

We'll be right back after this brief message.

SPEAKER_01

And we're back. Let's dive right in.

SPEAKER_00

Where can our listeners get access to you, my friend?

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, one of the easiest ways to follow me is if you're on Instagram, just uh the handle there is Mike Elliott, M-I-K-E-E-L-L-I-O-T-T dot relating.

SPEAKER_00

Wonderful. Well, we're going to add that to our show notes for easy access, my friend. And you and your wife Courtney have a powerful podcast, The Sacred We, that we want our listeners to also know about it. What's

Stronger Marriages Through Mutual Care

SPEAKER_00

it like to create content together? Podcast is excellent, by the way.

SPEAKER_06

Thank you so much. It's incredible because this is where we get to bring the embodiment of what we practice every day. And just so you know, imperfectly, that's the beauty of the podcast. If you listen to the episodes, we don't have it all figured out. We just practice the principles that lead to living a really enjoyable relationship that's rooted in respect, safety, and care. And then getting to share that with other people and hear all the messages that come in, either from our couples retreat or two to two containers, watching couples really get the experience that is bringing them into more care. And it's just like rich. Used to think rich was how much money is in my bank. I like that too. But wow, when people are starting to experience more love and care in their life, deeper sense of belonging, that's for me is rich.

SPEAKER_04

Wow. Hey Mike, before we let you go, we'd like to ask all of our guests a couple of questions. The first one is in honor of the name of our podcast, Stronger Marriage Connection, what do you feel like is the key? Is there a or maybe a key to a stronger marriage connection?

SPEAKER_06

One of the most important keys that I've learned over the years is that to really live a good life, whoever we're in a relationship with, it's learning to be in each other's care. If we're in each other's care, then we're able to integrate our past without having to work at it. It's just a new way of thinking. Instead of fighting against who's in front, it's understanding each person has a unique owner's manual. And it's in my interest to get to know that owner's manual I'm in relationship with, because then I can offer over the care, knowing the sensitivities, the insecurities. And then that will want to be reciprocated. And if we start to live a life where we are double-downing and devoting to being in each other's care, we're liberating each other.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's indeed.

SPEAKER_04

And what about our takeaway of the day? Is there a take-home message you want our listeners to remember from our discussion today, Mike?

SPEAKER_06

So the biggest one is, and this isn't just for men, but an under-resourced human is a dangerous human. And so the invitation for everyone listening, just to take inventory of how resourced are you? How resourced are you on your relationship to your thoughts, to your emotions, to your food, to your sleep, to your environment? Are you moving your body enough to keep it well? That's all resource. They're simple things. Do I have that two to five people in my life that I can be my full self and feel held and supported, not just big for men, not always the one in the leadership, not always the one offering the support. Who's holding you? If you can really take the time to be real with yourself and how currently resourced you are, and then move towards that new way of being in those areas of resource, you will become a safer person in the world. And the safer you are, the more you move from gentle power, the more resource you're bringing to humanity and talk about a legacy to be proud of.

SPEAKER_04

Wow, indeed. Powerful, my friend. Liz, what by you what you think, Dave?

SPEAKER_00

All of those, all of those I had down, I was scanning all my notes here. And I love, I love VAR. I love the vulnerability, the acknowledgement, and the and the reassurance. As a woman, I can certainly speak to that. That just speaks to our heart and our soul. I can see why Courtney had that incredible reaction to you just recently. That is really something. And Dave, what about you? What's the golden nugget you're taking away from our time today with Mike Elliott?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, you know, I love that the VAR is as well. Mike, I think that's that's powerful. It's it's it's something we we can remember, we can implement because it kind of slows us down. Take a pause, take a breath, and and remember, right? As people, they're more important than then than problems. Uh, I also love that you pointed out men and appreciation. I I feel like, yeah, for for winning listeners today, um that's yeah, so important. So important for men to feel like they are needed, important, appreciated, that their their efforts, their sacrifice, you know, that they're going out and doing all the a lot of times it uh it is for you. And and it may be you know a little bit twisted and deep. I just want him, you know, emotionally um there. That needs to be communicated as well. It's not just the money and the power and the you look at all this stuff. I could just work hard enough then and she'll love me more. We'll be able to do all these things together, but slow down. It's you're gonna miss life. He has that relationship, that connection with each other, that attention, that appreciation. So, man, Mike, thank you so much for for making time to just unload uh wealth of wisdom, my friend. It was uh that was a ton in this in this episode that you have shared with us. So it's much appreciated, my friend.

SPEAKER_00

So generous, Mike.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, deeply appreciate you both. Thank you for having me. Thanks for everyone listening.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah, thank you. All right, friends, that does it for us. We'll see you next time on another episode of the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast.

SPEAKER_00

That's right. And remember, it's the small and simple things that create a stronger marriage connection. Take good care of you and each other.

SPEAKER_04

Thanks for joining us today. Hey, do us a favor and take a second to subscribe to our podcast and the Utah Marriage Commission YouTube channel at Utah Marriage Commission, where you can watch this and

Closing And Listener Call To Action

SPEAKER_04

every episode of the show. Be sure to smash the like button, leave a comment, and share this episode with a friend. You can also follow and interact with us on Instagram at StrongerMarriageWife and Facebook at Stronger Marriage. So be sure to share with us which topics you love, which guests we should have on the show next. If you want even more resources to improve your marriage and relationship connection, visit strongermarriage.org, where you'll find free workshops, e-courses, in-depth webinars, relationship surveys, and more. Each episode of Stronger Marriage Connection is hosted and sponsored by the Utah Marriage Commission at Utah State University. And finally, a big thanks to our producer, Rex Polanis, and the team at Utah State University, and you, our audience. You make this show possible. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this podcast do not necessarily reflect the views of the Utah Marriage Commission.