Girl Swipes Right: Dating App Adventures in Chicago

Meet our host, Kalie Nitzsche, as she lays bare her personal heartache after being duped online by a heartless lothario she met on the dating apps.  Hear how he wooed her and all the red flags she ignored during what she thought was the romance of her dreams.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'm Kaylee Nitsche, and I'm a tech leader with an MBA. I played soccer in college on scholarship, and you'd think with all that grit, I'd be able to spot a total scammer when it comes to online dating, right? Wrong. I got duped in the most spectacular way. And it got me thinking, how do we keep us real and genuine and honest people safer? So I launched the Just Looking Out podcast. This is a safe space where we can come to talk, commiserate, I'm a big proponent of receipts because you can have a crazy story, but if it's like a fabrication, it's not fun, right? So if you have a crazy story, In order to really set the stage here, I'm going to actually read one of the last text messages that I had with the last person that I dated. With no background, no context, I'm just going to read you the bookend and then we'll start all the way over because I think it's just such a good closing and it really just sets the stage for what I'm doing. But essentially, it starts with me asking, ****. Do you even comprehend empathy? Honestly asking. I am physically ill and have been since Monday morning. This is his response after seven months of intimately dating. My name is... And I have an abusive father named David. I have a law degree and a law license, which means I passed the bar. Now leave me alone. My comment back, absolutely bizarre. Please move back home. You are truly terrible. Then he claims I'm harassing him. Do you think you can scare me to bully me? I reply. And then I sign off with, I would seriously love watching this all go down and getting a podcast and shit and receipt. So to understand this wild outrageous story you have to kind of understand a little bit about me and how I got to this place rewind four years ago I very overnight kind of situation packed up my mother my then two and a half year old and a very large dog and my Frenchie into the Acura we go over Christmas break getting away from a really bad situation that I was in in terms of marriage set up a new life got it you know really close to my family which like in terms of like they all live around me, got my support system back, got my sea legs back. You know, this is the new me. I'm feeling really confident. I'm very much committed to a couple years of intensive therapy, making sure that I was ready and willing to, when it was time to date somebody, like I had done the work on myself and I really felt like I was ready to put myself out there. So I got on the dating apps and, you know, I had been in a relationship for 10 years. There wasn't the apps 10 years ago. So that was like a whole whole new life for me in terms of like the wild, wild west. And I downloaded some of the apps. You know, my girlfriend said, this one's better than this one. And that one, you can do this and you have control, blah, blah, blah. So I, you know, pinned it down to about two or three different apps that I was managing at once. And I met this guy. And, you know, at this point, again, back to the work that I had done personally and really looking at myself and understanding it. What do I want in life? What's important to me? And what do I need for my daughter? to see in a man, I had a very clear picture of what that guy needed to be and the characteristics and traits that he needed to have. And sure enough, I'm on one of the apps was the app in which the woman has primary control in terms of initiating conversation. And it's really it's a female empowered dating app. So I saw it. picture. At first, very strikingly handsome, you guys, like chiseled jaw, perfect smile, baby blue eyes, full head of thick blonde hair, super tall, he claimed in his profile, which did turn out to be true. And then I started to read his bio, really, you know, attracted to his pictures, started to, you know, learn more about him reading through. And he claimed to be a dedicated father to two girls. He mentioned that he had been divorced before that that he had just moved to the Chicago area because, you know, there was a new huge job promotion. He was kind of taking over. So that to me really signaled that he had professional dedication and he had grit and integrity around like his girls and being a good dad and all the things that I was really looking for myself that I wanted in a man. His profile was speaking to me. So what do I do? I swipe right. We matched immediately, which I just was like so giddy. Yay, oh my gosh, this little, you know, this hottie is just, we're just matching. So very quickly, he messaged back and I gave him my phone number and we started texting. The conversation was just like really free flowing and lots of back and forth, witty banter, which I really appreciate. I love good sarcasm and quick jokes. He seemed very intellectual. You know, we were talking about everything from religion to music to being parents. And, you know, the text messages became more frequent as the days went by and I remember it was Easter of 2023, and I went to go visit my sister in Nashville with her husband and my niece and nephew, and I brought my daughter. I was really, really excited about the date that we had on the calendar, and I was telling my sister about it. She's just like, whoa, I haven't even heard you talk about a guy ever since getting your divorce, let alone being really excited for me. We're two giddy girlfriends talking about the upcoming date. What should I wear? How should I do my hair? I just remember I remember feeling really excited to meet this person. And we had set a date and time at one of the local restaurants in the area. So one thing about... and living where I do outside of Chicago is it's really difficult to meet good, professional, successful single men. And the reason being is the majority of single men in the Chicago area are actually in the city, but I live 40 minutes outside of the city. I'm very much in the suburbs. I think it's super important to keep my kid in a good school district. I wanna be by my family, et cetera. So the fact that lived close to me was a huge plus because I wasn't going back and forth into the city. And so we got to meet in the town we lived in And we went to one of the local, you know, nice steakhouses and met in the bar. And I just remember walking in. I was a little late, maybe a little on purpose. I walk in and he's sitting on a stool and I see him before he sees me. And I'm like, damn, okay, somebody's looking like his pictures. And he gets off the stool and immediately in my head, because I just jumped to like worst case scenario of like, you know, somebody catfishing you on their looks is that he was going to be like super tiny, right? Like he's going to jump off this stool. And just be like right here on me. And he didn't. He was like towering over me at 6'3". You know, oh my gosh, you're so handsome. We gave each other a quick hug and he was like, I'm so excited to meet you. We settled into the date and we had so much fun. You know, the beginning was really just kind of going back to some of the text messages and talking about what we had before and exchanging like, oh, stories of being a mom and how did I get to Chicago? And, you know, it's first date. I'm like veering around the fact that I had a bad breakup in my marriage. And he's veering around the fact that he's divorced, but he's amicable with his ex and all these things. So another drink we had. And then the kind of, we took a more serious approach. Like this is a little bit, you know, closer to the truth of why I'm here. This is closer to the truth of why I'm here. Again, first date, right? You're not like going to give all your cards out. We leave Sullivan's and it's kind of like, okay, are we going to like, do we say good night? Is it over? And I'm one of my hometown bars that my family has been going to since like the seventies. It's called the lantern, super just old school Chicago. Your feet stick to the ground when you're walking through. You can get popcorn. I'm like, do you want to go grab a drink at the lantern? He's like, oh my gosh, yeah, I would love to. And I'm like kind of holding on to him and he's like, you know, leading me to the bar, if you will. And we sit down. I kid you not, we ordered drinks and this guy walks up to us and he's like, how long have you two been married? And I'm like kind of looking around like, who the hell are you talking to, bro? And he's like, you two, how long have y'all been married? And like, oh, we're not married. I'm like, no, we're not married. And he goes, oh, you are my friends. And I have been watching you saying, oh, my gosh, look at that couple over there. They're so into each other because we were so locked into one another. Like we were really just talking to each other, which I guess in hindsight, there was like a band going on. So it was like strange that we weren't watching the band at all. We were just laughing and flirting. And I just thought that was so funny. So we're like, no, we're on a first date. And he goes, oh, my gosh, I have to take your picture. And mind you, I just met this guy like three hours ago. I'm like, we're good, bro. Thank you though. And we always thought that was so funny because like the chemistry was instant. Other people saw it. We just seemed to like be in the same place in life, looking for somebody, not, I wouldn't say casually, but looking for the right person and making sure that we were really going to test it out and take things slow. But we didn't, you know, what we were like, okay, let's wait a couple days. And that didn't work. I saw him the next night. You know, we go to another date and we just really, it was really easy. And I think about, was there any red flags at the very beginning? And there were not. You know, he made me dinner within the first couple of dates and we would hang out at his like very sterile apartment. So he was in between moving from Iowa to the Chicago area for this big promotion. And this was his corporate housing. And for me, that was just, it was made sense. Like you put it, get put up in corporate housing. Like why would I question this? weird Jeffrey Dahmer apartment you bring me to with like very little furniture and no artwork. And like, where are the pictures of your kids? And he's like, well, this is like the very temporary housing. So all of this made sense to me. And, you know, I had this huge trip planned to Europe. I was going, I won a trip for work at Adobe to go to Greece. And I took my best friend, Whitney, and super excited. We're going to do, you know, 11 days, Greece and Italy, have all these plans. And He's a new guy in my life, very excited, but I'm like ready to go to Europe and have fun and be single and do all the things that girls do on a girls trip. So Whitney and I go to Athens and we have an amazing time and Whitney and I are frequently messaging and then he knows, you know, the second half of the trip is me and Whitney going to Italy. He FaceTimes me while I'm at the United Club Lounge at like 6 a.m. and I don't even know what time that would have been in the States, but it's 6 a.m. where I was and he He's like, hey, I just want to like let you know like you've looked so beautiful in all your grease pictures and you are just so fun to talk to on text and I've loved the FaceTimes and the this and the that. Thanks for sending me all the pictures. He's like, I've just been really thinking about it and I can't. I just like, will you be my girlfriend? And I was like, oh my gosh, yes. I mean, I haven't been somebody's girlfriend in four years. I haven't dated seriously. I haven't said the word boyfriend. I have been very single for a very long time and I I was just excited. I'm like, yeah, of course. Okay. Like when I come home, we're together. That's great. We're going to, you know, get off the apps and we're going to be together. So that was great. Finished my trip to Europe, come back, super excited to see him. And we just, at the beginning, it was really easy, really fun. It started to progress. He started to come over to my house a little bit more. He met my mom. You know, eventually he met my friends in the neighborhood and my cousins. And he came to the 4th of July barbecue. Like this is my man now. I just thought we were in like a very just normal beginning relationship. We kept the kids out of it for as long as we could because we were really just trying to learn about each other as adults. And we didn't want to bring children into the equation until we were sure that the other one was going to be a longstanding partner moving forward. And he met my daughter. He would carry her around the backyard and help her get into the trampoline. And I remember he was holding her at like a barbecue that we had with friends and family and And she gave him a big hug and said, hi, Mr. I'm so glad you're here. And I thought it was so cute. She'd call him Mr. You know, so he was becoming a part of our everyday life. I really go back to like the first three or four months and there was not any. I mean, maybe there were red flags, but I don't recall them being like glaring or anything like that. They certainly weren't hitting me in the face the way that this next kind of incident happened. One of the things that I thought was so bizarre is like during our like third month of being together, we both were in transition of moving houses. And, you know, when you move nowadays, everything is online. It's a Zillow link. It's a Redfin link. Very easy to see what you're selling your house for and what you're buying if you send somebody the link. That's not the point of it. The point of sending somebody where you're going to live is like that's your home and you're sharing with them the pictures of the kitchen and you're going to do this to the dining room and this, that, and the other. That's what I thought I was doing. It wasn't financial in my mind at all. It was like this is going to be my home with my daughter I'm so proud. Check it out. I can't wait to have you over when I get all the work done. And I kept asking, hey, let me see the link to your house. I want to see what your actual home is like. Because mind you, for three months, I would go to this guy's house and we would eat our food from the to-go containers, which to me was cute and fun. And we would sit on the floor. Looking back, I'm like, wait, hold on. Why don't you have furniture after three months? And those kinds of things started getting weird. But the weirdest thing was he would not give me the link to his house. And he claimed it It was because he kept his assets very close and he was, you know, very reserved with his finances. And I'm like, I'm not asking you how much you owe on your house. I'm not asking what your credit score is, how much you have in the bank. I just wanted to see what your life was like in Iowa, which was where you're from and your girls have been raised in this house, et cetera. So I did find that very strange. And there was one night in about mid-July of 2023, He, like many times, like we had a very active bedroom lifestyle. And I just thought, wow, this guy really thinks I'm so pretty. And he showers me in compliments. And he thinks that, you know, when he's, you know, when I talk about how, wow, you must be such a great mom. And, you know, he seems so excited when he picks me up, like physically, like he would pick me up right when he saw me. And I was falling for this guy. I loved those moments. I thought they were special between us. I thought him whispering in my ear, you're mine, while being intimate was like with me only. And listen, I'm 37 years old. Like I have been by myself for a long time. I'm finally like getting to share adult time with somebody I'm falling in love with. Like I loved being in bed with him and like laughing and listening to music. And he would, you know, say pet names that I thought were just for me. And he would say, you're mine and you're my girl. And I literally thought thought like it was just me and it made me feel so special. It turns out that's like his tagline for every girl. I have literally pictures where he sends the same boating picture of himself with no shirt on with the tagline underneath to your mind to at least three of us. So it wasn't special at all. It was actually like his ordinary generic tagline. Thinking about things like that, it takes away the moments that I felt I actually did feel special. And And as women, like, you know, we're vulnerable when we are getting in a relationship and really opening up our heart to somebody. You know, I slept with this person. I let them meet my kid. Every facet of my being was open and receiving to him and his love. And I thought that was extremely unique and that I was getting the authentic version of that. All of that changed when he left his wallet at my house. my home.