Mobsters with Accents (ft. Joe Burton & Grace Goze)

This episode we are lucky enough to host Grace Goze of Hitchcock*Tails and Clued In as well as Joe Burton of The Improvised Shakespeare Company. What a delight!

For the first time here is a ridiculous AI summary of the episode. We would have just written "Good accents, bad Canadians, enough said." AI Below:

A ring caught by the wind, a rooftop roaring over Chicago, and two lovers trying to define what love looks like when the law barges in. Our live golden-age radio troupe builds a full town in your ears: candlelit tables on Cindy’s rooftop, detectives who sprint down spiral staircases like it’s cardio, and a Canadian mafia that promises menace with a disarming “sorry.” It starts as a one-year anniversary and swerves into an on-air caper about borders, identity, and the kinds of vows that outlast the weather.

We meet Roscoe and Rachel as they navigate the world’s least helpful breeze and the world’s most unhelpful confession: she’s Canadian, and a sweeping crackdown could force her out. Across town, two hard-charging detectives hear the president’s words and treat them like a personal mission, fueled by a memory that’s equal parts tragic and absurd. The flashback to a “too polite” robbery reframes their obsession, and suddenly we’re inside a noir that’s been loosened at the seams, stitched with jokes about loonies and toonies and the eternal question: does an objection make a wedding more or less official?

Along the way, a sponsor steps in—Wrigley Windbreakers, corrugated-steel chic—and the world deepens with every footstep, accordion wheeze, and whispered plan. The Canadian mafia leans hard into disguises—Italian, Scottish, South African—to dodge a roundup, proving that accents can be borders and comedy can be a map. When vows collide with vengeance, a ring bearer trips the standoff, and the chase spills through the church. At the edge of catastrophe, the couple makes a choice: don’t light the fuse. It’s a moral pivot wrapped in a laugh, a reminder that who we are matters less than what we decide to do.

By the time the border news flips again, the city feels real enough to hold in both hands: wind, steel, sirens, and a hopeful “I do.” If you love improvised storytelling, period satire, and the kind of character work that turns chaos into meaning, you’ll feel right at home here. Press play, ride the gusts with us, then tell a friend—and if you smiled even once, leave a quick review so more listeners can find the show.

Transcript

Going Live In Radio Land

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Be a part of a radio broadcast. A broadcast that roughly takes place somewhere in the 1930s, 1940s, or 1950s, a time in our country that was famously stable with absolutely nothing going on. So uh right now we're waiting for our players to come on stage, and I'm gonna call them up. We have Peter Corey, also our host for tonight, Eric Peterson, Joe Hartenstein, Grace Gosey, Carly Olson, and Joe Burton. And of course, we have Becca on the lights. Everybody give a round of applause. And over here on the Foley table, we have Caitlin Schneider. Now, before we get started, we are waiting for New York to turn over the broadcast. Just a couple uh quick questions to get to know each other. I'm not gonna ask anyone about Belgium. Number one. Uh, but I would like to know how many of you are from around here, Chicago? Hands up? Oh, we just a smattering. All right, uh, you in back. May I ask your name? Rachel. Rachel, can you give me your favorite place in Chicago that every one of these folks who is not from Chicago should find? The rooftop at Sydney's bar. There we are. Lots of uh memories up there? Or not memories? It's a it's a rooftop bar, probably not that many. Uh anyone else from Chicago, put your hands up. I'd like to know. A very reluctant hand. Can I ask your name? You in the back, yes, absolutely. Lily? And uh Lily, what's your favorite block? This is something you're gonna have to think about. Any block in Roscoe. It's a wonderful place, folks. Uh, try to avoid Wrigleyville, but go to Roscoe. It's great. Wrigleyville, uh, you can't get in half the time anyway, so don't try. Uh now thank you all for talking to me. Uh we are gonna go ahead and start the broadcast in just a moment. Uh, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you a little bit more about the improvised golden age of radio. Before man's attention was captured by cellular telephones, computer machines, and of course, the humble television, the airwaves were ruled by the c king of communication, the radio. Night after night, until 10 p.m., parents and children alike gathered round the warmed tubes of the family receiver to be regaled with the most exciting news, gossip, and stories of the day. These productions were put on by crews working countless hours, from writing meticulous scripts and planning complex scenes to rehearsing until each moment was perfect. We've done none of that. Tonight the thrills, the chills, the cheers, the tears, and of course the sounds are being created and performed without any preparation for you, the studio audience. The broadcast is live, folks, but it's also being recorded for everyone out there in Radio Land, so laugh loud and laugh long, and if the mics pick you up, you might just be a part of radio history. So put your hands together for the improvised golden age radio players because we are on air.

SPEAKER_10 3:14

A breezy Chicago night. The wind cuts through the umbrellas, poking out of the picnic tables on Cindy's rooftop. There's candles flickering on a each table. In the corner of the patio, there's a couple. They're looking longingly into each other's eyes. It's Rachel and Ralph.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Hey Rachel, this is a this is a cool one one-year anniversary day.

SPEAKER_06 3:54

Yeah, it's real windy.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

It's like really cool and cold.

SPEAKER_06 3:58

I know, I'm glad I didn't wear a hat because it would have gone over the side of the building, Roscoe.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Yeah. It's I love that we had our first date here, and we're again here on our one-year anniversary, and it's always on we're gonna do this every year on January 19th.

SPEAKER_06 4:12

Every year.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

And I'm sorry, folks, I just wanted to let you know the table inside's not available, and the wind gusts are gonna pick up about 20 knots. But enjoy your anniversary. I'll be out in a second with your drills.

SPEAKER_07 4:23

Are we on a ship?

SPEAKER_01 4:26

I don't even know. It feels like we're at sea with these winds. Did he say it's gonna increase 20 knots from where it's already at? Yeah, it's gonna get even.

The Premise: Golden Age, No Prep

SPEAKER_07 4:36

Oh no, Clean from Oh no. Bat in the main hatches. I I know it's only been a year, Roscoe, but I feel like I've known you for several years.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

SPEAKER_07 4:53

Thanks! I never felt this way before, except for the other times I was also in love.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

You've you've been in love before?

SPEAKER_07 5:02

Oh sure, who hasn't?

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Oh, you haven't. Yeah, well. Yeah. Tried to hold that one in for a second, but you cut right through.

SPEAKER_07 5:11

Is it because of your lazy eye?

SPEAKER_01 5:15

That's not why I've never been in love. No, no.

SPEAKER_07 5:20

Sorry, I didn't mean for things to get so awkward all at once. Especially if you were thinking of proposing. Oh no, did that get lost in the wind?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

No, but the ring did.

SPEAKER_07 5:34

What? There was a ring?

SPEAKER_01 5:35

There was.

SPEAKER_05 5:36

And it wasn't heavy enough? Ow!

SPEAKER_11 5:39

Ow! Ow, a ring flew in my eyes! Oh my god. Will you marry me? I'm blind in one eye, but I guess I'll say yes! Oh, thanks, darling. Love is blind. See, people with only one eye can be in love.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Rachel, do you love me?

SPEAKER_07 6:00

Of course I love you. I love you like I love ice cream, or like I love puppies, or like I love that feeling when you wake up from a nap.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Anytime I get an analogy, I'm not loving the outcome.

SPEAKER_07 6:13

No, no.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

I love you like you know No, no, let's just stop. Let's just leave it with I love you.

SPEAKER_07 6:18

Let me explain further. I love you like that hot chocolate. That once you get that weird skin off the top, it tastes real good.

Rooftop Romance In A Gale

SPEAKER_01 6:25

She went on with example after example of different ways in which she loved me, each one becoming slightly less hurtful and also more obscure than the last.

SPEAKER_07 6:35

I wondered that way that when you shake a Morocco, but half the beads have already gone out, and you're like, oh no, it's less heavy than it should be, but then it's still Ronald's, you know?

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Some of them losing me completely. I wondered, how would I get my ring back? I needed to prove my love for her, but I was unwilling to confront the people right next to me that seemed to have the wind, the ring that had been stolen by the wind.

SPEAKER_07 7:00

Roscoe, I gotta tell you something.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Yeah, Rachel?

SPEAKER_07 7:04

I I wasn't born here. I'm Canadian.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

What?

SPEAKER_07 7:10

Yeah, I'm Canadian, and I'm gonna get get kicked out if you don't marry me.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

What was that noise?

SPEAKER_07 7:20

Oh, I think that was the accordion player in the corner.

SPEAKER_09 7:24

Uh yeah, sorry about that, there, uh folks.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

An accordion is a tough instrument in these wind gusts.

SPEAKER_09 7:29

Yeah, it is. I know it, but you know, it's uh all I ever really cared about in life uh is playing this accordion. Okay, we're talking about me getting deported, okay? Alright, alright. Well, uh, can I play you anything?

SPEAKER_07 7:45

Uh sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Do you know anything Canadian?

SPEAKER_07 7:48

Oh, Canada? Uh Maple Leaf Rag? Yeah, sure. Alright, alright, I'll be right back. It's kind of obvious, but whatever.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Honey.

SPEAKER_07 7:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

I feel like I've been lied to our whole relationship.

SPEAKER_07 8:02

Not our whole relationship. Only since the first date.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Alright, hold. Can I pay you to stop playing that accordion? I was expecting more than one note at once on the accordion.

SPEAKER_07 8:13

That's so romantic.

SPEAKER_01 8:15

Buddy, you wouldn't be the first. I want to get married to you. I don't care if you're from Canada or France or some country that happens to be next to France.

SPEAKER_07 8:29

Wait, did you say you do want to marry me?

SPEAKER_01 8:31

No.

SPEAKER_07 8:32

Oh good. I want to marry you too. I want to marry you so much. It's like, you know, when you No, wait, stop, come on.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

I don't want to hear where this is going. Just down the street, at the federal building, not a couple blocks away, two agents were meeting. They were talking about the thing we all worry about. Canadians crossing the border, the border, the border, the border, the border.

SPEAKER_10 8:52

Hmm. We've got a pretty long border up there.

SPEAKER_08 8:57

I just feel like people are sneaking in and we gotta stop that.

SPEAKER_10 9:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 9:02

I don't even care that the border's like ten hours away. It's our problem.

SPEAKER_10 9:06

Oh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 9:08

It's our problem, Jenkins. We have to take to the streets.

SPEAKER_10 9:11

You're telling me. Marston, it's our problem. That's right.

SPEAKER_08 9:18

Absolutely no person at this precinct has asked me. I think we take to the streets, we find Canadian people, and we detain them.

SPEAKER_10 9:28

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_08 9:29

Jenkins!

SPEAKER_11 9:30

Simmons, get out on get out on the main floor, the TV.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

You gotta see it. You gotta see it. Oh, all right. Let me run down the spiral staircase. Just come on, follow me this way. You must have heard it from upstairs. I'm gonna take the the fire pole. There, right there. There. Truman's saying it right now. We're closing the border. And any Canadian here in Chicago's gotta go. Uh oh.

SPEAKER_04 9:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_10 9:53

Let's round them up.

SPEAKER_08 9:54

This is my dream. This is exactly what I wanted.

SPEAKER_10 9:57

Oh, yeah, sure. Sure you do. We've been talking about this very thing. Rounding up the Canooks.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Oh, have you? Well, I mean, uh uh.

SPEAKER_10 10:05

What was that?

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Oh, nothing. I uh oh, I don't know what you're talking about there. Uh oh no, I uh listen, uh I I gotta get going. Uh don't don't don't don't don't think any mind of it. Hockey's great. I just I gotta go uh uh you know, maple syrup's running through my veins right now. I don't know what else to say. What? Maple syrup running through your veins! What do you mean, Simmons? I don't know what you're talking about. That's a normal phrase to say. Hey, uh, what's on the back of a quarter?

SPEAKER_10 10:28

If he says loon, then we know he's a Canadian.

The Ring Lost To The Wind

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Then we know. Well, um, a quarter, sure. Yeah, sure. It's a uh it's uh Canadian geese. Get him! Oh don't take me back to Toronto, they have healthcare there!

SPEAKER_10 10:47

No! You're gonna get banged up and bruised here in America.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Oh, come on, Jackie's we're old friends. We're we're allies.

SPEAKER_10 10:54

You're gonna get treated in Toronto.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Alright, alright. I'm sorry, eh?

SPEAKER_08 11:02

I won't let a single Canadian stay in the city of Chicago because a Canadian murdered my father!

SPEAKER_10 11:11

Uh, I watched I watched it happen. I didn't knew that didn't do anything. It didn't do anything.

SPEAKER_08 11:16

No one did anything because he was being so polite about it.

SPEAKER_10 11:20

It was so weird, very polite, but also hideously brutal.

SPEAKER_02 11:26

Simmons, Jenkins, you're two of the hard nosiest detectives in this place. I I fear you, and I fear for any Canadian in Chicago.

SPEAKER_08 11:37

Correct. I'm gonna run back up the spiral staircase now.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

They ran back up the spiral staircase, and I stood there in fisticuffs, and I thought, well, should I just go walk out the front door and make the best of it? I mean, now's the time to get out of here before the time's not getting good. So I walked out that front door and I passed two couples along the way.

SPEAKER_07 11:58

Oh, geez, uh. I was uh gonna say welcome to this uh meeting of the Canadian mafia.

SPEAKER_09 12:05

Oh yeah, here we are.

SPEAKER_07 12:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 12:07

Thank you.

SPEAKER_07 12:08

Oh, you're welcome. Thank you. You're looking real good.

SPEAKER_09 12:12

Yeah, right back at you there.

SPEAKER_07 12:14

Oh, lol, you're a you're a work, you're a work of art.

SPEAKER_09 12:18

You're you're a dime piece. Hey, get a room you too. Oh, you know I'm happily married. Sor sorry.

SPEAKER_07 12:29

Oh, French Canadian, get out of here. You know we can't understand you.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

And we know you know English. We know you know English.

SPEAKER_10 12:40

Uh we.

SPEAKER_07 12:42

Ah, yeah, he said we. Like, we know you know English. Uh-huh. Look, uh, I I got some bad news for y'all.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_07 12:53

Sacre bleu. You you guys gotta hold on to your hats, okay? To all your toks and all your mounty hits.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Uh which we're all wearing.

SPEAKER_07 13:04

Well, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Yeah, everyone in the mafia's wearing mounty hats.

SPEAKER_07 13:08

They're closing the border, guys. They're uh they're gonna try to get us out. Nota here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 13:16

No.

SPEAKER_07 13:16

No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 13:18

Even the Crabbuquoise is shocked by that.

SPEAKER_07 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 13:21

Je suis Belgian.

SPEAKER_09 13:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_10 13:25

Okay, sure. Whatever, guys. Wait, you're Belgian? Je suis Belgian. You speak French? Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Do I speak French? Yeah. Well, just enough to get pissed off at him. You know what I mean?

A Canadian Confession

SPEAKER_00 13:48

The Improvised Golden Age Radio Players will be back in just a moment. With a word from our sponsor, Wrigley Windbreakers. We're Wrigley Windbreakers are the revolution you need to keep the gusts, the gales, and the blows at bay. Made of pure corrugated sheet metal. These outdoor outfits will stop the wind from ruffling your clothes or indeed allowing you to move more than three to five feet at a time. With each piece as weighty as a little, as little as weighed as a light, simple automobile, and made in the most famous corrugated steel plant in Ottawa, Canada. This windy city won't blow you away if you buy a Wrigley Windbreaker today. And now, welcome back to the stage for Act Two, the improvised Golden Age Radio Player. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, everyone. I don't think this can be repaired.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Yeah, it's broken. Oh, good or broken. Alright, done to three mics. Twenty years prior, on the hard streets of Chicago, late at night, a man named Dave Simmons walks down the street, and he's stalked by a Canadian.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Now, here's the thing, little Martha, you gotta understand. When you're walking down Chicago Street, you gotta keep your head on a swivel.

SPEAKER_04 15:07

Alright.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

You know, one day I think you're gonna make a good agent. A good little detective like me.

SPEAKER_08 15:12

You really think so?

SPEAKER_02 15:14

Yeah, I sure do. Say, why don't you run up to that ice cream stand and get you something sweet?

SPEAKER_08 15:18

Okay, but here's a quarter.

SPEAKER_02 15:20

On the back of it is George Washington's head, but on the other side's the American Eagle. Here you go.

SPEAKER_08 15:27

I'll I'll take that quarter only if you promise me you're gonna live forever, Papa.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Well, that's impossible, but I'm going to live for at least 50 more years to see you mature into a fine young woman. Don't you worry.

SPEAKER_07 15:38

Yay! A uh fella.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_12 15:42

Uh if you wouldn't mind, uh please. Oh, jeez. Oh jeez, you got a badge.

SPEAKER_07 15:48

But uh, I'm in too deep now.

SPEAKER_12 15:50

Put your hands up, please. Oh, wait. You're robbing a police officer in Chicago? Oh yeah. On the South Street, right here in the middle of the street. Please bring out your wallet. You gotta be kidding me, Pass. No, don't don't struggle. I don't wanna have to hurt you. Well, you're being awfully nice about it. I guess I just kinda have to give it to you. Yeah, please. I do have a gun.

SPEAKER_10 16:08

I don't want to use it. Hey, Simmons, how are you doing? Hey there. Oh, don't pretend you don't know. Cadet uh Jenkins.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Oh, Jenkins, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The young sprite on the floors. I'm real young now. Uh could you tell this? Could you tell this Canadian to just stop being so nice to me? Oh, hey there.

SPEAKER_07 16:26

Hey, oh, look over there, hey. Well, oh, sure, sure. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

All right, uh right, here. It doesn't have much in it, just a picture of my daughter.

SPEAKER_07 16:35

Oh, geez, she's a pretty thing, ain't she?

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_07 16:39

Okay. Well, I'm sorry there's not enough in here. I'm gonna have to have you look away. You keep looking away, sir. All right, sure. And I'm gonna take my I'm gonna take my boot and I'm gonna hit you on the head with it, okay?

SPEAKER_12 16:50

Okay, just know that I have a soft skull, real soft. Okay. One hit to it, and it might just bust right open.

SPEAKER_07 16:56

Well, I'm so sorry, but this is gonna maybe hurt a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

Well, um, you know what? If it makes you feel better, that would make me feel better.

SPEAKER_12 17:03

Oh, jeez, you're a real nice cat. Hey, you know what?

SPEAKER_07 17:05

I'm uh keep looking the other way. I can't stand a look you in the eye.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Naturalized citizen, but my family's originally from Winnipeg.

SPEAKER_07 17:11

Oh, jeez, Sally, don't you? Winnipeg, what?

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Yeah, Winnipeg. You ever heard of it?

Detectives Plot A Crackdown

SPEAKER_12 17:15

Yeah. I was born in Winnipeg. Oh, get out of town. See, I knew it. Keep looking the other way. Oh no! Wow, that's awful. That just took one good whack. Oh no, you should have.

SPEAKER_10 17:26

You should have stopped it. You should have. You were so nice, though. Uh you know, if I'm gonna be haunted by this day.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Yeah, so we're just doing doing Canadian mafia war stories, huh?

SPEAKER_07 17:42

Yeah, that was my worst one. You know, that was my first kill.

SPEAKER_01 17:46

You never forget the first one, no.

SPEAKER_07 17:48

No, geez, it haunts ya.

SPEAKER_09 17:49

I didn't think you were gonna make it out alive.

SPEAKER_07 17:52

You know, it was pretty scary for a moment. Yeah, he was, you know what? He didn't say thank you at all.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Yeah, neither of them. It was terrible.

SPEAKER_07 18:01

No, it was it was awful cruel what they did to you. It's a shame.

SPEAKER_09 18:05

Yeah, it's a shame.

SPEAKER_07 18:06

It was a hard shame. Well, what what about you? What what was your first kill like?

SPEAKER_01 18:09

Oh, it was a deer.

SPEAKER_07 18:11

A deer?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Yeah, it was a hunting job back up north, you know.

SPEAKER_07 18:14

Oh, jeez. You know, I didn't think I would have killed a man before a deer, but I guess I did.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Yeah, you know, to each their own. I I was a young lad in my first time.

SPEAKER_07 18:22

Oh yeah?

SPEAKER_01 18:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Oh, you're asking the first time I killed a person.

SPEAKER_07 18:26

Well, that might be more interesting.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, that was here in Chicago just three years ago after I met you all.

SPEAKER_07 18:32

Oh, jeez! Just three years ago.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:35

Wow, how about that? Here, I thought you'd been a cold-blooded killer for all your life.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Well, I have, you know, I started with the deer, like I was saying.

SPEAKER_07 18:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 18:43

That's why we took you on probationary, you know, tour for the mafia. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 18:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 18:48

We thought that's a that's a cold-blooded killer there. Right. And little did we know, eh?

SPEAKER_09 18:53

Paid dividends.

SPEAKER_07 18:54

Yeah. What about you? Ralph, what was your uh what was your first kill?

SPEAKER_01 18:59

School bus. Oh.

SPEAKER_07 19:02

You killed a school bus?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Full of people or just the bus?

SPEAKER_07 19:06

No, yeah, it was packed with people.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_07 19:08

Oh boy. Wow. Yeah, I knew you were a boss for a reason, eh?

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yeah, that's a huge escalation from ours.

SPEAKER_07 19:17

What was it full of? People-wise.

SPEAKER_09 19:20

People-wise children.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Okay. Wow.

SPEAKER_09 19:24

Oh, man.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

That's a that's a vicious revelation.

SPEAKER_09 19:28

A lot of children. Like, like if it were a building fire code violation, amounts of children.

SPEAKER_07 19:35

That must have been a big boss. Yeah. But tell me they were at least juvenile delinquents, eh?

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Surely they were bad kids, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 19:41

I didn't ask a lot of questions. No. Oh, okay. No, that's that's how you'd be a good mobster, yeah. Yeah, you don't ask questions.

SPEAKER_09 19:48

Yeah. You know, got paid a lot for that job.

SPEAKER_07 19:51

Oh, that's good. That's nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 19:54

I do all right.

SPEAKER_07 19:55

Is that how you get those nice shoes? Cause you got some nice shoes.

SPEAKER_09 19:58

Uh well, yeah, it's a it's a mix. Uh sometimes money, sometimes I take them off corpses.

SPEAKER_01 20:07

Oh, see, that's smart there.

SPEAKER_07 20:09

It is smart. You know, I've been looking for a new engagement present for my little one. Oh. You know, she's getting engaged. Oh, she is. Yeah, she is any day now, I think.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

To an American.

SPEAKER_07 20:21

Well, we don't want to talk about that there, but uh, you know, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay where you are, you know?

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 20:29

You gotta grin and bear it, you know. Sometimes, like, like when you uh take a hard look in a bear's eyes and you think, Oh, I gotta grin and bear it, because it's a bear.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_09 20:39

What's uh your your daughter, what's her uh ring size there?

SPEAKER_07 20:44

Oh, it's about a 10.

SPEAKER_09 20:45

Whoa!

SPEAKER_07 20:46

Yeah, she's got big fingers. I'll keep an eye out.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Yeah, she's from Winnipeg, you know.

SPEAKER_07 20:51

Yeah, you know, she does a lot of hard gripping on uh on she's uh uh serving uh lass at a brewery. Oh that's a that's a good job. She holds a bunch of steins at once.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

She works at the German brew pub. Right. Yeah, the German brew pub, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_07 21:09

Yeah, she's actually uh masquerading as a as a German fella fella.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Well, I mean, now's the time to do it, you know. Everyone's after us, Canadians.

SPEAKER_07 21:19

All their sentiment, you know.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

You got we might want to go in disguise, all of us.

SPEAKER_07 21:23

Oh, that's a good idea. What are you gonna be? I'm gonna be Italian.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

Oh, uh, I think I guess I'll try to be Scottish. Oh yeah, no one no one ever thinks about a Scotsman.

SPEAKER_07 21:34

Never. I've never thought about a Scotsman in my life.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

That's what I'm saying. What about you, boss?

SPEAKER_09 21:40

Uh you know, I I get a lot, a lot of times I get South African. Oh, yeah, and that's an easy accent to do.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Yeah. So uh and they're so common. Everyone, you know, Dima doesn't.

SPEAKER_07 21:55

Right, left, and center, those South Africans.

The Canadian Mafia Meets

SPEAKER_01 21:58

All right. I say we go undercover and we fight back against these coppers that are trying to get us out of here.

SPEAKER_07 22:03

Oh, that's that's a good idea. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Maybe we could jam them all onto a bus.

SPEAKER_07 22:08

Oh, and then you could kill them all. I think that's where he was going with it. Oh, it would bring back me.

SPEAKER_08 22:14

Back it to precinct. I called Jenkins into my office. Jenkins, come into my office!

SPEAKER_10 22:19

Um, ma'am, ma'am here, yeah. Let's hide.

SPEAKER_08 22:23

Well, I received an anonymous tipster from a woman who was recently blinded in one eye by a possible Canadian. Alright, where did it happen? It happened at Cindy's rooftop bar.

SPEAKER_10 22:38

We're going.

SPEAKER_08 22:40

We're going? Yeah, right now, let's go. All right. You get in the car and I'll run beside it. I gotta get my audience. Oh, good thing it was it was nice and close by.

SPEAKER_10 22:57

Oh, you're driving right on past it. Come back! Come back, Jake. Just circle back. Just waiting for the semi to pass. Alright, alright. It's backing into a loading, so it's got the whole street blocked. Yeah. Hey! He's got he's got a job to do, so you know.

SPEAKER_08 23:17

Let's try to deform people over here!

SPEAKER_10 23:21

All right.

SPEAKER_11 23:23

Okay, that's good.

SPEAKER_10 23:26

Alright, let's go upstairs to Cindy's.

SPEAKER_08 23:29

Alright, I'm gonna run up the spiral staircase. Yes!

SPEAKER_10 23:33

You always opt for the spiral staircase.

SPEAKER_08 23:36

There's so many of them here in the city. Hello, Nick. Hello.

SPEAKER_05 23:39

Hi, I'm Cindy. This is my rooftop.

SPEAKER_10 23:42

Hi, Cindy. Uh, police.

SPEAKER_05 23:44

Oh, jeez!

SPEAKER_10 23:46

Uh, we had a report of someone uh possibly Canadian. Polite.

SPEAKER_05 23:53

I never have a Canadian on my rooftop. No, you know. They would have just flown right away, because they don't got as much substance as us Americans.

SPEAKER_10 24:02

Anyone being unusually polite. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 24:06

Oh gosh! I don't know about that. There were some people who blinded a lady. That doesn't seem very polite.

SPEAKER_08 24:14

No, it doesn't matter. No, that doesn't seem polite at all. But but the anonymous tipster I got was a woman who was blinded.

SPEAKER_10 24:21

Probably the what are the chances if I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_08 24:23

How many people here are blinded, do you feel?

SPEAKER_05 24:26

Oh, on any given day, probably I'd say a sign of people here are blinded. Oh, okay. Damn, that's a lot of people.

Sponsor: Wrigley Windbreakers

SPEAKER_10 24:32

That's a lot of people. Maybe we should be investigating all of these blindings. Oh, you don't want to look into those. That's just as a hazard of doing business on City's rooftop. Yeah, we have our orders. We're looking strictly for Canadians. We don't care about maimings. Alright. Alright.

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Maybe you should ask around. Okay. Did they say something about Canadians? That's exactly what we said. You remember on that Thursday night the big gusting winds? I sat two people. They were talking about loonies and tunies and stuff like that. Dang. Looney tunies? That's gotta be. No, no, no, not the cartoon. No, no, no. The two coins. The loonie's just a one. Sorry, I'm American. I don't know what it's about. Oh, Sunday doesn't matter. You got the nicest rooftop and all of Chicago.

SPEAKER_07 25:14

I assume you mean my rear end.

SPEAKER_02 25:16

Of course I do. We can say that, right?

SPEAKER_07 25:18

Yeah, that's fine now.

SPEAKER_08 25:21

Well, uh, these two that were talking about loonies and toonies, did they happen to leave uh a postcard with their address?

SPEAKER_05 25:29

They did. They was getting married and they they hand wrote me an invitation.

SPEAKER_10 25:34

What? Did you RSVP?

SPEAKER_08 25:37

Well, not yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing on Tuesday. Do you get a plus one? There's two of us, and we both have to be there.

SPEAKER_07 25:43

Well, they were very polite. Oh, I guess they were very polite. And I got a plus two!

SPEAKER_10 25:48

Oh.

SPEAKER_07 25:48

Alright, well see.

SPEAKER_10 25:49

Is there a kosher option?

SPEAKER_06 25:54

From Hollywood.

Origin Grudge: The Soft-Skulled Robbery

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Now you all saw a bit of a stunt at the last commercial break, and I hope I didn't scare you, but I also hope that I did. Did you know that hats lost to the wind are the number one cause of businessmen getting hit up hit by computer trains? That's right. One gust of wind and forget seeing your little Bobby or lovely Jane. They'll have to get used to the milk man, their dad. And all became all because you refuse to wear a Wrigley Windbreaker. Some may mock you, others might call you a walking outhouse. But you know you're secure while they hold on dearly to their newspapers and their lives. It's hard. It's time to consider wrapping yourself in 75 to 100 pounds of pure Canadian steel. Wrigley Windbreakers, your best way around to keep your feet on the ground. And now, welcome back to the Improvised Golden Age Radio Players for the thrilling conclusion to Oh No Canada.

SPEAKER_10 26:56

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to wed Roscoe and Rachel in holy matrimony.

SPEAKER_07 27:08

Do we get to say our vows now?

SPEAKER_10 27:10

It's time for you to get into the air.

SPEAKER_07 27:13

Okay, sorry.

SPEAKER_10 27:14

Time for you now to share your vows.

SPEAKER_07 27:20

Okay. Roscoe? I love you like a partially clouded sunset. Where you can kind of see the sun still. And that's nice. And it's not maybe exactly what you'd want, but it's still pretty good. I love you like I love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that's been in my lunch for a couple hours. You know, it's still pretty good, but it could be less soggy.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

Honey, it looks like a really long speech. You want to skip to the end?

SPEAKER_07 27:52

Uh sure. I love you like I love two right shoes. One of them's right.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Rachel. I've never met anybody like you before. Canadian. Or a Chicagoan. I don't know what I'm supposed to think of you, but I know that whatever you are and wherever you're from, I love you no matter what. And I want to be with you the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_08 28:24

I object!

SPEAKER_01 28:25

What?

SPEAKER_08 28:26

I object! In this moment I objected. I standed up and I showed everybody my badge. I said I object! What? Who are you? It's me, Detective Officer Simmons. And Rachel, your mother, who killed my father! What? No! I am here on the day of your wedding to exact my revenge. Wait. It's me!

SPEAKER_07 28:54

The murderer of your father. Yes, I murdered your father. But I only did it because I needed the money. And he didn't have any, so I killed him.

SPEAKER_10 29:06

Wait! What? It's me. Jenkins.

SPEAKER_07 29:09

Oh, you're taller now!

SPEAKER_10 29:11

The officer who watched you kill her father and did nothing to stop it.

SPEAKER_07 29:17

You're still a cop, even with that?

SPEAKER_10 29:19

Yeah. And I am I object to the characterization that he had no money, because he did have some, he just didn't give it away. He didn't give it to you right away. He anyways.

SPEAKER_08 29:34

Yeah, I remember that day clearly. My father gave me one single quarter, and I got a really melty scoop of vanilla ice cream. Well, if you'd given me that quarter, I wouldn't have killed him.

SPEAKER_02 29:46

But wait! It's me! Charlie, the ring bearer! Oh yeah, we all know who you are. Rasco, Rachel! Well, they were monologuing, I tied their shoes together! Run! Run for it! Run!

SPEAKER_01 30:00

Knowing that my wife was in pursuit by the police, we ran through the church, up the spiral staircase, and down into the other spiral staircase, into the catacombs of the church.

SPEAKER_07 30:09

And I had a bag of marbles with me, so I dropped them behind me.

SPEAKER_10 30:14

I should have worn my loafers.

SPEAKER_01 30:16

In the basement was her entire family of Canadian mobsters undercover, so they wouldn't be caught by the police.

SPEAKER_07 30:25

Hey! Welcome to the awailing!

SPEAKER_09 30:28

It's me, a law-abiding South African.

SPEAKER_02 30:38

Ireland's a great place. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

And I'm from Scotland. Hello? Nobody's gonna remember me.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

Wait a second. Isn't that your daughter running down the hallway there, dropping marbles behind her?

SPEAKER_07 30:53

Oh, geez, it is. What's wrong, Rachel? Nothing, Dad. I'm just running from the cops on my wedding day.

SPEAKER_01 31:04

Rachel, this is a strange way to meet both of your parents for the first time.

SPEAKER_07 31:08

Oh yeah, these are my parents. This is my dad. He's Irish. This is my mom. She's South African. No, I'm wrong. I can't tell acting.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I think she sounds like she's Italian.

Undercover Plans And Disguises

SPEAKER_07 31:20

Oh, yeah, isn't me. I'm Italian.

SPEAKER_12 31:23

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 31:24

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_12 31:25

I'm Canadian. I can't tell the difference between accents. Oh, that's all right, darling. You're still beautiful to me.

SPEAKER_03 31:31

Thanks, Ed. Do you ever think we're betraying ourselves? Betraying our Canadian-ness. What, by pretending we're other things?

SPEAKER_02 31:39

Yes. That's the way we came to America, wasn't it? To be proud of being Canadian. To be here among the people and bring something different that they've never had, like Tim Hortons. Or milk in bags. And I think that's it. That's pretty much it, right?

SPEAKER_01 31:59

I don't know. I was born here, so I'm not sure why you guys can't.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

You would understand as an American more than anyone. Our inalienable rights as being legal aliens in your country. You gotta do something for us. Anything. Maybe talk to those people, maybe wave an American flag a certain way.

SPEAKER_03 32:15

I don't know, but Roscoe!

SPEAKER_07 32:17

Roscoe, our whole family is depending on you.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Alright, I'll see if I can distract the police. I saw a bus out back. Maybe I can get him on that and drive him away.

SPEAKER_03 32:26

That's a great idea. Be careful if it's a school bus. That's all I'm gonna say.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Roscoe left the room. He'd be back in a few minutes. As he walked up the staircase, he was sh suddenly aware, and his senses heightened in a way they hadn't been before. He'd never been chased by the police, and he never chased the police.

SPEAKER_10 32:48

There he is. Oh no! Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh, you're the groom! Yeah. Yeah, where's that wife of yours?

SPEAKER_08 32:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 32:55

She's coming with us.

SPEAKER_08 32:56

And where's your future? Or did we finish the ceremony?

SPEAKER_10 33:00

I think they're tech I think once someone objects, it they're married. That's when they're married.

SPEAKER_08 33:06

They uh you get married?

SPEAKER_10 33:07

Yeah, you have to have an objection or else it doesn't count.

SPEAKER_08 33:09

Well, why did you tell me that? I wouldn't have objected.

SPEAKER_10 33:11

Yeah, you sealed the deal for us. I thought you knew.

SPEAKER_08 33:14

I messed up. I really messed up about that.

SPEAKER_10 33:16

I thought you knew.

SPEAKER_08 33:17

I should have gone to marriage law class. I was always, you know, hung over. I never went. Anyway.

SPEAKER_10 33:24

Where is she? Where's that Canook bride of yours?

SPEAKER_01 33:28

Now that she's married to me, she's an American. Hands off, both of you.

SPEAKER_08 33:32

Well, your mother-in-law is not an American, and she's the one I'm really worried about because she killed my father.

SPEAKER_10 33:38

That's true, too. Yes, all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

You can't blame her. It's in her blood. She's a Sicilian. They're a murderous bunch.

SPEAKER_08 33:48

No, I remember her distinctly being Canadian.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Alright. Alright, you got me. I'll drive you to them. They're all at the International Cafe. Follow me. I've got a car out back. A car, bus. Don't worry about the details.

SPEAKER_08 34:02

Well, I love riding on a bus. I love the bus.

SPEAKER_10 34:05

Yeah. You are super tall, Officer Jenkins. I will do my best.

SPEAKER_08 34:14

Yeah, this is kind of like our cop duo thing. He's super tall. I'm super small. We're we're tall and small.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

Alright, Ryan, cool, cool. Where you got?

SPEAKER_07 34:26

Alright. Uh no, we get out of them on the bus and then you do your boom, boom, yeah?

SPEAKER_09 34:32

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_07 34:33

Oh, I can I guess we can drop it, eh?

SPEAKER_09 34:37

Yes. We're it's just it's just us here.

SPEAKER_07 34:39

Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I have a hard time getting out of character. You should see me when I play charades.

SPEAKER_09 34:45

So I I do have a bit of a confession. What's that? You know the boss thing. Yeah. We're counting on it. It didn't happen.

SPEAKER_07 34:55

Didn't happen?

SPEAKER_09 34:56

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07 34:57

Oh jeez, that's awfully anti-Canadian of you to lie.

SPEAKER_09 35:00

I'm sorry.

Lead At Cindy’s Rooftop

SPEAKER_07 35:01

We're a notoriously forthright people. I'm willing to murder them. Okay. That's all you gotta do is be willing, bud.

SPEAKER_09 35:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 35:10

Yeah. And you know what? You're the boss.

SPEAKER_09 35:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 35:13

Yeah. You can do it.

SPEAKER_09 35:15

Oh, come on.

SPEAKER_07 35:16

You're great. Oh, so are you. And you those shoes are perfect for a wedding. You know? That's all I needed. I have a bloodlust now. Alright. Good on you, buddy. Good on you. Alright, let's go find that their bus. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Oh, yeah, okay. So just right this way, hop on in. Let me pull the handle here. Let's shut the door behind you. Okay. There's no seat belts, obviously. Obviously, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 35:41

Okay. Never expect a seatbelt on a bus. That would be for dummy heads.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

And there's nobody else on the bus but I. It's jammed full of backpacks.

SPEAKER_10 35:51

Oh, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back and sit on the seat where I get to put my feet on the hump. Oh, it's my favorite seat. The wheel seat, yeah.

SPEAKER_08 35:58

Well, who's gonna drive? I don't have a bus license.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

Oh, a driver. What was I thinking? All right, I'll go get the driver inside. You two stay here. Alright. I'll be right back, then I'll drive you to the International Cafe, and we can go get my in-laws, and you can round them up and deport them.

SPEAKER_10 36:14

Alright, that sounds like a good Thursday.

SPEAKER_08 36:18

Yeah, that's my dream. That's what I've been going to bed thinking about. Roscoe, I can't let you do this.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

Oh honey, I got it all taken care of.

SPEAKER_07 36:26

No, I can't let you kill these police people by blowing them up.

SPEAKER_05 36:29

You weren't gonna kill us?

SPEAKER_10 36:31

Wait.

SPEAKER_05 36:32

When does the cycle of violence end?

SPEAKER_10 36:35

Was that before or after the cafe? Because I'm hungry.

SPEAKER_07 36:39

It was gonna be before. No! But I'm American now. Ever since you objected, I've been American. And we don't blow up school buses.

SPEAKER_01 36:50

Yeah. That's right.

SPEAKER_07 36:52

That's an awfully Canadian thing to do. And I'm not Canadian anymore. I'm American. I got red, white, and blue in my veins. And I love America like I love a melty popsicle. You know, like it hasn't supposed to have a face. But then it melted, so it kind of has a weird face on it. But I still love it because it's delicious. Like freedom. And I can't let you I can't let you do this.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

Alright, honey, fine. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail either.

SPEAKER_07 37:20

Oh good.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

And assuming that they forget that we clearly called out the conspiracy to kill them in return for not killing them.

SPEAKER_05 37:28

Yeah, they'll they'll let us know.

SPEAKER_11 37:30

Does that work?

SPEAKER_10 37:31

All these forgiven. That's good for me.

SPEAKER_11 37:34

Wait, wait, it's me, Charlie, the ringbearer.

SPEAKER_10 37:36

Yeah, yeah, we all know who you are, Charlie.

SPEAKER_11 37:38

Back inside, you gotta see the news. Truman's announcing something crazy! Alright, let's run up the spiral staircase.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Spiral staircase off the bus into the spiral staircase up the church. Down to the spiral staircase into the lobby.

SPEAKER_11 37:52

There, right on the only TV that's in the whole place. Look, he just said the border's back open.

SPEAKER_02 37:57

Everyone's welcome. Yay! Except that he does want to shore up the the the organized crime a little bit. He's kind of worried about the mafia presence, uh Canadian mafia presence.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

Thank you everyone for coming to the Improvised Golden Age Radio. Once again, we have Caitlin Schneider on the Holy Table, Peter Corey, Carly Olson, Grace Gozie, Eric Peterson, Joe Burton, and Joe Harkenstein in the booth, Becca Smith, and I am Chuck Cotterman. Thank you so much. Have a great night.