Improvised Golden Age Radio

Mobsters with Accents (ft. Joe Burton & Grace Goze)

• IGAR • Season 1 • Episode 6

Share episode

This episode we are lucky enough to host Grace Goze of Hitchcock*Tails and Clued In as well as Joe Burton of The Improvised Shakespeare Company. What a delight!

For the first time here is a ridiculous AI summary of the episode. We would have just written "Good accents, bad Canadians, enough said." AI Below:

A ring caught by the wind, a rooftop roaring over Chicago, and two lovers trying to define what love looks like when the law barges in. Our live golden-age radio troupe builds a full town in your ears: candlelit tables on Cindy’s rooftop, detectives who sprint down spiral staircases like it’s cardio, and a Canadian mafia that promises menace with a disarming “sorry.” It starts as a one-year anniversary and swerves into an on-air caper about borders, identity, and the kinds of vows that outlast the weather.

We meet Roscoe and Rachel as they navigate the world’s least helpful breeze and the world’s most unhelpful confession: she’s Canadian, and a sweeping crackdown could force her out. Across town, two hard-charging detectives hear the president’s words and treat them like a personal mission, fueled by a memory that’s equal parts tragic and absurd. The flashback to a “too polite” robbery reframes their obsession, and suddenly we’re inside a noir that’s been loosened at the seams, stitched with jokes about loonies and toonies and the eternal question: does an objection make a wedding more or less official?

Along the way, a sponsor steps in—Wrigley Windbreakers, corrugated-steel chic—and the world deepens with every footstep, accordion wheeze, and whispered plan. The Canadian mafia leans hard into disguises—Italian, Scottish, South African—to dodge a roundup, proving that accents can be borders and comedy can be a map. When vows collide with vengeance, a ring bearer trips the standoff, and the chase spills through the church. At the edge of catastrophe, the couple makes a choice: don’t light the fuse. It’s a moral pivot wrapped in a laugh, a reminder that who we are matters less than what we decide to do.

By the time the border news flips again, the city feels real enough to hold in both hands: wind, steel, sirens, and a hopeful “I do.” If you love improvised storytelling, period satire, and the kind of character work that turns chaos into meaning, you’ll feel right at home here. Press play, ride the gusts with us, then tell a friend—and if you smiled even once, leave a quick review so more listeners can find the show.

Send the creators a text!

Support the show

https://www.improvisedradio.com/

https://www.instagram.com/improvisedradioshow/

SPEAKER_00:

Be a part of a radio broadcast. A broadcast that roughly takes place somewhere in the 1930s, 1940s, or 1950s, a time in our country that was famously stable with absolutely nothing going on. So uh right now we're waiting for our players to come on stage, and I'm gonna call them up. We have Peter Corey, also our host for tonight, Eric Peterson, Joe Hartenstein, Grace Gosey, Carly Olson, and Joe Burton. And of course, we have Becca on the lights. Everybody give a round of applause. And over here on the Foley table, we have Caitlin Schneider. Now, before we get started, we are waiting for New York to turn over the broadcast. Just a couple uh quick questions to get to know each other. I'm not gonna ask anyone about Belgium. Number one. Uh, but I would like to know how many of you are from around here, Chicago? Hands up? Oh, we just a smattering. All right, uh, you in back. May I ask your name? Rachel. Rachel, can you give me your favorite place in Chicago that every one of these folks who is not from Chicago should find? The rooftop at Sydney's bar. There we are. Lots of uh memories up there? Or not memories? It's a it's a rooftop bar, probably not that many. Uh anyone else from Chicago, put your hands up. I'd like to know. A very reluctant hand. Can I ask your name? You in the back, yes, absolutely. Lily? And uh Lily, what's your favorite block? This is something you're gonna have to think about. Any block in Roscoe. It's a wonderful place, folks. Uh, try to avoid Wrigleyville, but go to Roscoe. It's great. Wrigleyville, uh, you can't get in half the time anyway, so don't try. Uh now thank you all for talking to me. Uh we are gonna go ahead and start the broadcast in just a moment. Uh, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you a little bit more about the improvised golden age of radio. Before man's attention was captured by cellular telephones, computer machines, and of course, the humble television, the airwaves were ruled by the c king of communication, the radio. Night after night, until 10 p.m., parents and children alike gathered round the warmed tubes of the family receiver to be regaled with the most exciting news, gossip, and stories of the day. These productions were put on by crews working countless hours, from writing meticulous scripts and planning complex scenes to rehearsing until each moment was perfect. We've done none of that. Tonight the thrills, the chills, the cheers, the tears, and of course the sounds are being created and performed without any preparation for you, the studio audience. The broadcast is live, folks, but it's also being recorded for everyone out there in Radio Land, so laugh loud and laugh long, and if the mics pick you up, you might just be a part of radio history. So put your hands together for the improvised golden age radio players because we are on air.

SPEAKER_10:

A breezy Chicago night. The wind cuts through the umbrellas, poking out of the picnic tables on Cindy's rooftop. There's candles flickering on a each table. In the corner of the patio, there's a couple. They're looking longingly into each other's eyes. It's Rachel and Ralph.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey Rachel, this is a this is a cool one one-year anniversary day.

SPEAKER_06:

Yeah, it's real windy.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like really cool and cold.

SPEAKER_06:

I know, I'm glad I didn't wear a hat because it would have gone over the side of the building, Roscoe.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. It's I love that we had our first date here, and we're again here on our one-year anniversary, and it's always on we're gonna do this every year on January 19th.

SPEAKER_06:

Every year.

SPEAKER_02:

And I'm sorry, folks, I just wanted to let you know the table inside's not available, and the wind gusts are gonna pick up about 20 knots. But enjoy your anniversary. I'll be out in a second with your drills.

SPEAKER_07:

Are we on a ship?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't even know. It feels like we're at sea with these winds. Did he say it's gonna increase 20 knots from where it's already at? Yeah, it's gonna get even.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh no, Clean from Oh no. Bat in the main hatches. I I know it's only been a year, Roscoe, but I feel like I've known you for several years.

SPEAKER_01:

That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

SPEAKER_07:

Thanks! I never felt this way before, except for the other times I was also in love.

SPEAKER_01:

You've you've been in love before?

SPEAKER_07:

Oh sure, who hasn't?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, you haven't. Yeah, well. Yeah. Tried to hold that one in for a second, but you cut right through.

SPEAKER_07:

Is it because of your lazy eye?

SPEAKER_01:

That's not why I've never been in love. No, no.

SPEAKER_07:

Sorry, I didn't mean for things to get so awkward all at once. Especially if you were thinking of proposing. Oh no, did that get lost in the wind?

SPEAKER_01:

No, but the ring did.

SPEAKER_07:

What? There was a ring?

SPEAKER_01:

There was.

SPEAKER_05:

And it wasn't heavy enough? Ow!

SPEAKER_11:

Ow! Ow, a ring flew in my eyes! Oh my god. Will you marry me? I'm blind in one eye, but I guess I'll say yes! Oh, thanks, darling. Love is blind. See, people with only one eye can be in love.

SPEAKER_01:

Rachel, do you love me?

SPEAKER_07:

Of course I love you. I love you like I love ice cream, or like I love puppies, or like I love that feeling when you wake up from a nap.

SPEAKER_01:

Anytime I get an analogy, I'm not loving the outcome.

SPEAKER_07:

No, no.

SPEAKER_01:

I love you like you know No, no, let's just stop. Let's just leave it with I love you.

SPEAKER_07:

Let me explain further. I love you like that hot chocolate. That once you get that weird skin off the top, it tastes real good.

SPEAKER_01:

She went on with example after example of different ways in which she loved me, each one becoming slightly less hurtful and also more obscure than the last.

SPEAKER_07:

I wondered that way that when you shake a Morocco, but half the beads have already gone out, and you're like, oh no, it's less heavy than it should be, but then it's still Ronald's, you know?

SPEAKER_01:

Some of them losing me completely. I wondered, how would I get my ring back? I needed to prove my love for her, but I was unwilling to confront the people right next to me that seemed to have the wind, the ring that had been stolen by the wind.

SPEAKER_07:

Roscoe, I gotta tell you something.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, Rachel?

SPEAKER_07:

I I wasn't born here. I'm Canadian.

SPEAKER_01:

What?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, I'm Canadian, and I'm gonna get get kicked out if you don't marry me.

SPEAKER_01:

What was that noise?

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, I think that was the accordion player in the corner.

SPEAKER_09:

Uh yeah, sorry about that, there, uh folks.

SPEAKER_01:

An accordion is a tough instrument in these wind gusts.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah, it is. I know it, but you know, it's uh all I ever really cared about in life uh is playing this accordion. Okay, we're talking about me getting deported, okay? Alright, alright. Well, uh, can I play you anything?

SPEAKER_07:

Uh sure.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you know anything Canadian?

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, Canada? Uh Maple Leaf Rag? Yeah, sure. Alright, alright, I'll be right back. It's kind of obvious, but whatever.

SPEAKER_01:

Honey.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like I've been lied to our whole relationship.

SPEAKER_07:

Not our whole relationship. Only since the first date.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, hold. Can I pay you to stop playing that accordion? I was expecting more than one note at once on the accordion.

SPEAKER_07:

That's so romantic.

SPEAKER_01:

Buddy, you wouldn't be the first. I want to get married to you. I don't care if you're from Canada or France or some country that happens to be next to France.

SPEAKER_07:

Wait, did you say you do want to marry me?

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh good. I want to marry you too. I want to marry you so much. It's like, you know, when you No, wait, stop, come on.

SPEAKER_02:

I don't want to hear where this is going. Just down the street, at the federal building, not a couple blocks away, two agents were meeting. They were talking about the thing we all worry about. Canadians crossing the border, the border, the border, the border, the border.

SPEAKER_10:

Hmm. We've got a pretty long border up there.

SPEAKER_08:

I just feel like people are sneaking in and we gotta stop that.

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

I don't even care that the border's like ten hours away. It's our problem.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

It's our problem, Jenkins. We have to take to the streets.

SPEAKER_10:

You're telling me. Marston, it's our problem. That's right.

SPEAKER_08:

Absolutely no person at this precinct has asked me. I think we take to the streets, we find Canadian people, and we detain them.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Jenkins!

SPEAKER_11:

Simmons, get out on get out on the main floor, the TV.

SPEAKER_02:

You gotta see it. You gotta see it. Oh, all right. Let me run down the spiral staircase. Just come on, follow me this way. You must have heard it from upstairs. I'm gonna take the the fire pole. There, right there. There. Truman's saying it right now. We're closing the border. And any Canadian here in Chicago's gotta go. Uh oh.

SPEAKER_04:

Wow.

SPEAKER_10:

Let's round them up.

SPEAKER_08:

This is my dream. This is exactly what I wanted.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, yeah, sure. Sure you do. We've been talking about this very thing. Rounding up the Canooks.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, have you? Well, I mean, uh uh.

SPEAKER_10:

What was that?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, nothing. I uh oh, I don't know what you're talking about there. Uh oh no, I uh listen, uh I I gotta get going. Uh don't don't don't don't don't think any mind of it. Hockey's great. I just I gotta go uh uh you know, maple syrup's running through my veins right now. I don't know what else to say. What? Maple syrup running through your veins! What do you mean, Simmons? I don't know what you're talking about. That's a normal phrase to say. Hey, uh, what's on the back of a quarter?

SPEAKER_10:

If he says loon, then we know he's a Canadian.

SPEAKER_02:

Then we know. Well, um, a quarter, sure. Yeah, sure. It's a uh it's uh Canadian geese. Get him! Oh don't take me back to Toronto, they have healthcare there!

SPEAKER_10:

No! You're gonna get banged up and bruised here in America.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, come on, Jackie's we're old friends. We're we're allies.

SPEAKER_10:

You're gonna get treated in Toronto.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, alright. I'm sorry, eh?

SPEAKER_08:

I won't let a single Canadian stay in the city of Chicago because a Canadian murdered my father!

SPEAKER_10:

Uh, I watched I watched it happen. I didn't knew that didn't do anything. It didn't do anything.

SPEAKER_08:

No one did anything because he was being so polite about it.

SPEAKER_10:

It was so weird, very polite, but also hideously brutal.

SPEAKER_02:

Simmons, Jenkins, you're two of the hard nosiest detectives in this place. I I fear you, and I fear for any Canadian in Chicago.

SPEAKER_08:

Correct. I'm gonna run back up the spiral staircase now.

SPEAKER_02:

They ran back up the spiral staircase, and I stood there in fisticuffs, and I thought, well, should I just go walk out the front door and make the best of it? I mean, now's the time to get out of here before the time's not getting good. So I walked out that front door and I passed two couples along the way.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, geez, uh. I was uh gonna say welcome to this uh meeting of the Canadian mafia.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh yeah, here we are.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, you're welcome. Thank you. You're looking real good.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah, right back at you there.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, lol, you're a you're a work, you're a work of art.

SPEAKER_09:

You're you're a dime piece. Hey, get a room you too. Oh, you know I'm happily married. Sor sorry.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, French Canadian, get out of here. You know we can't understand you.

SPEAKER_01:

And we know you know English. We know you know English.

SPEAKER_10:

Uh we.

SPEAKER_07:

Ah, yeah, he said we. Like, we know you know English. Uh-huh. Look, uh, I I got some bad news for y'all.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Sacre bleu. You you guys gotta hold on to your hats, okay? To all your toks and all your mounty hits.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh which we're all wearing.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, everyone in the mafia's wearing mounty hats.

SPEAKER_07:

They're closing the border, guys. They're uh they're gonna try to get us out. Nota here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

No.

SPEAKER_07:

No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

Even the Crabbuquoise is shocked by that.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10:

Je suis Belgian.

SPEAKER_09:

Okay.

SPEAKER_10:

Okay, sure. Whatever, guys. Wait, you're Belgian? Je suis Belgian. You speak French? Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Do I speak French? Yeah. Well, just enough to get pissed off at him. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00:

The Improvised Golden Age Radio Players will be back in just a moment. With a word from our sponsor, Wrigley Windbreakers. We're Wrigley Windbreakers are the revolution you need to keep the gusts, the gales, and the blows at bay. Made of pure corrugated sheet metal. These outdoor outfits will stop the wind from ruffling your clothes or indeed allowing you to move more than three to five feet at a time. With each piece as weighty as a little, as little as weighed as a light, simple automobile, and made in the most famous corrugated steel plant in Ottawa, Canada. This windy city won't blow you away if you buy a Wrigley Windbreaker today. And now, welcome back to the stage for Act Two, the improvised Golden Age Radio Player. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, everyone. I don't think this can be repaired.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's broken. Oh, good or broken. Alright, done to three mics. Twenty years prior, on the hard streets of Chicago, late at night, a man named Dave Simmons walks down the street, and he's stalked by a Canadian.

SPEAKER_02:

Now, here's the thing, little Martha, you gotta understand. When you're walking down Chicago Street, you gotta keep your head on a swivel.

SPEAKER_04:

Alright.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, one day I think you're gonna make a good agent. A good little detective like me.

SPEAKER_08:

You really think so?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I sure do. Say, why don't you run up to that ice cream stand and get you something sweet?

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, but here's a quarter.

SPEAKER_02:

On the back of it is George Washington's head, but on the other side's the American Eagle. Here you go.

SPEAKER_08:

I'll I'll take that quarter only if you promise me you're gonna live forever, Papa.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, that's impossible, but I'm going to live for at least 50 more years to see you mature into a fine young woman. Don't you worry.

SPEAKER_07:

Yay! A uh fella.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh yes.

SPEAKER_12:

Uh if you wouldn't mind, uh please. Oh, jeez. Oh jeez, you got a badge.

SPEAKER_07:

But uh, I'm in too deep now.

SPEAKER_12:

Put your hands up, please. Oh, wait. You're robbing a police officer in Chicago? Oh yeah. On the South Street, right here in the middle of the street. Please bring out your wallet. You gotta be kidding me, Pass. No, don't don't struggle. I don't wanna have to hurt you. Well, you're being awfully nice about it. I guess I just kinda have to give it to you. Yeah, please. I do have a gun.

SPEAKER_10:

I don't want to use it. Hey, Simmons, how are you doing? Hey there. Oh, don't pretend you don't know. Cadet uh Jenkins.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, Jenkins, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The young sprite on the floors. I'm real young now. Uh could you tell this? Could you tell this Canadian to just stop being so nice to me? Oh, hey there.

SPEAKER_07:

Hey, oh, look over there, hey. Well, oh, sure, sure. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02:

All right, uh right, here. It doesn't have much in it, just a picture of my daughter.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, geez, she's a pretty thing, ain't she?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay. Well, I'm sorry there's not enough in here. I'm gonna have to have you look away. You keep looking away, sir. All right, sure. And I'm gonna take my I'm gonna take my boot and I'm gonna hit you on the head with it, okay?

SPEAKER_12:

Okay, just know that I have a soft skull, real soft. Okay. One hit to it, and it might just bust right open.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, I'm so sorry, but this is gonna maybe hurt a little bit.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, um, you know what? If it makes you feel better, that would make me feel better.

SPEAKER_12:

Oh, jeez, you're a real nice cat. Hey, you know what?

SPEAKER_07:

I'm uh keep looking the other way. I can't stand a look you in the eye.

SPEAKER_02:

Naturalized citizen, but my family's originally from Winnipeg.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, jeez, Sally, don't you? Winnipeg, what?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, Winnipeg. You ever heard of it?

SPEAKER_12:

Yeah. I was born in Winnipeg. Oh, get out of town. See, I knew it. Keep looking the other way. Oh no! Wow, that's awful. That just took one good whack. Oh no, you should have.

SPEAKER_10:

You should have stopped it. You should have. You were so nice, though. Uh you know, if I'm gonna be haunted by this day.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so we're just doing doing Canadian mafia war stories, huh?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, that was my worst one. You know, that was my first kill.

SPEAKER_01:

You never forget the first one, no.

SPEAKER_07:

No, geez, it haunts ya.

SPEAKER_09:

I didn't think you were gonna make it out alive.

SPEAKER_07:

You know, it was pretty scary for a moment. Yeah, he was, you know what? He didn't say thank you at all.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, neither of them. It was terrible.

SPEAKER_07:

No, it was it was awful cruel what they did to you. It's a shame.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah, it's a shame.

SPEAKER_07:

It was a hard shame. Well, what what about you? What what was your first kill like?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, it was a deer.

SPEAKER_07:

A deer?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it was a hunting job back up north, you know.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, jeez. You know, I didn't think I would have killed a man before a deer, but I guess I did.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, you know, to each their own. I I was a young lad in my first time.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh yeah?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, you're asking the first time I killed a person.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, that might be more interesting.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, that was here in Chicago just three years ago after I met you all.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, jeez! Just three years ago.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Wow, how about that? Here, I thought you'd been a cold-blooded killer for all your life.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I have, you know, I started with the deer, like I was saying.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

That's why we took you on probationary, you know, tour for the mafia. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

We thought that's a that's a cold-blooded killer there. Right. And little did we know, eh?

SPEAKER_09:

Paid dividends.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah. What about you? Ralph, what was your uh what was your first kill?

SPEAKER_01:

School bus. Oh.

SPEAKER_07:

You killed a school bus?

SPEAKER_01:

Full of people or just the bus?

SPEAKER_07:

No, yeah, it was packed with people.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh boy. Wow. Yeah, I knew you were a boss for a reason, eh?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's a huge escalation from ours.

SPEAKER_07:

What was it full of? People-wise.

SPEAKER_09:

People-wise children.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Wow.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, man.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a that's a vicious revelation.

SPEAKER_09:

A lot of children. Like, like if it were a building fire code violation, amounts of children.

SPEAKER_07:

That must have been a big boss. Yeah. But tell me they were at least juvenile delinquents, eh?

SPEAKER_01:

Surely they were bad kids, yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

I didn't ask a lot of questions. No. Oh, okay. No, that's that's how you'd be a good mobster, yeah. Yeah, you don't ask questions.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah. You know, got paid a lot for that job.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, that's good. That's nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

I do all right.

SPEAKER_07:

Is that how you get those nice shoes? Cause you got some nice shoes.

SPEAKER_09:

Uh well, yeah, it's a it's a mix. Uh sometimes money, sometimes I take them off corpses.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, see, that's smart there.

SPEAKER_07:

It is smart. You know, I've been looking for a new engagement present for my little one. Oh. You know, she's getting engaged. Oh, she is. Yeah, she is any day now, I think.

SPEAKER_01:

To an American.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, we don't want to talk about that there, but uh, you know, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to stay where you are, you know?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

You gotta grin and bear it, you know. Sometimes, like, like when you uh take a hard look in a bear's eyes and you think, Oh, I gotta grin and bear it, because it's a bear.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

What's uh your your daughter, what's her uh ring size there?

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, it's about a 10.

SPEAKER_09:

Whoa!

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, she's got big fingers. I'll keep an eye out.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, she's from Winnipeg, you know.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, you know, she does a lot of hard gripping on uh on she's uh uh serving uh lass at a brewery. Oh that's a that's a good job. She holds a bunch of steins at once.

SPEAKER_01:

She works at the German brew pub. Right. Yeah, the German brew pub, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, she's actually uh masquerading as a as a German fella fella.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I mean, now's the time to do it, you know. Everyone's after us, Canadians.

SPEAKER_07:

All their sentiment, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

You got we might want to go in disguise, all of us.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, that's a good idea. What are you gonna be? I'm gonna be Italian.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, uh, I think I guess I'll try to be Scottish. Oh yeah, no one no one ever thinks about a Scotsman.

SPEAKER_07:

Never. I've never thought about a Scotsman in my life.

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I'm saying. What about you, boss?

SPEAKER_09:

Uh you know, I I get a lot, a lot of times I get South African. Oh, yeah, and that's an easy accent to do.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So uh and they're so common. Everyone, you know, Dima doesn't.

SPEAKER_07:

Right, left, and center, those South Africans.

SPEAKER_01:

All right. I say we go undercover and we fight back against these coppers that are trying to get us out of here.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, that's that's a good idea. I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe we could jam them all onto a bus.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, and then you could kill them all. I think that's where he was going with it. Oh, it would bring back me.

SPEAKER_08:

Back it to precinct. I called Jenkins into my office. Jenkins, come into my office!

SPEAKER_10:

Um, ma'am, ma'am here, yeah. Let's hide.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, I received an anonymous tipster from a woman who was recently blinded in one eye by a possible Canadian. Alright, where did it happen? It happened at Cindy's rooftop bar.

SPEAKER_10:

We're going.

SPEAKER_08:

We're going? Yeah, right now, let's go. All right. You get in the car and I'll run beside it. I gotta get my audience. Oh, good thing it was it was nice and close by.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, you're driving right on past it. Come back! Come back, Jake. Just circle back. Just waiting for the semi to pass. Alright, alright. It's backing into a loading, so it's got the whole street blocked. Yeah. Hey! He's got he's got a job to do, so you know.

SPEAKER_08:

Let's try to deform people over here!

SPEAKER_10:

All right.

SPEAKER_11:

Okay, that's good.

SPEAKER_10:

Alright, let's go upstairs to Cindy's.

SPEAKER_08:

Alright, I'm gonna run up the spiral staircase. Yes!

SPEAKER_10:

You always opt for the spiral staircase.

SPEAKER_08:

There's so many of them here in the city. Hello, Nick. Hello.

SPEAKER_05:

Hi, I'm Cindy. This is my rooftop.

SPEAKER_10:

Hi, Cindy. Uh, police.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, jeez!

SPEAKER_10:

Uh, we had a report of someone uh possibly Canadian. Polite.

SPEAKER_05:

I never have a Canadian on my rooftop. No, you know. They would have just flown right away, because they don't got as much substance as us Americans.

SPEAKER_10:

Anyone being unusually polite. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh gosh! I don't know about that. There were some people who blinded a lady. That doesn't seem very polite.

SPEAKER_08:

No, it doesn't matter. No, that doesn't seem polite at all. But but the anonymous tipster I got was a woman who was blinded.

SPEAKER_10:

Probably the what are the chances if I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_08:

How many people here are blinded, do you feel?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, on any given day, probably I'd say a sign of people here are blinded. Oh, okay. Damn, that's a lot of people.

SPEAKER_10:

That's a lot of people. Maybe we should be investigating all of these blindings. Oh, you don't want to look into those. That's just as a hazard of doing business on City's rooftop. Yeah, we have our orders. We're looking strictly for Canadians. We don't care about maimings. Alright. Alright.

SPEAKER_02:

Maybe you should ask around. Okay. Did they say something about Canadians? That's exactly what we said. You remember on that Thursday night the big gusting winds? I sat two people. They were talking about loonies and tunies and stuff like that. Dang. Looney tunies? That's gotta be. No, no, no, not the cartoon. No, no, no. The two coins. The loonie's just a one. Sorry, I'm American. I don't know what it's about. Oh, Sunday doesn't matter. You got the nicest rooftop and all of Chicago.

SPEAKER_07:

I assume you mean my rear end.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course I do. We can say that, right?

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, that's fine now.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, uh, these two that were talking about loonies and toonies, did they happen to leave uh a postcard with their address?

SPEAKER_05:

They did. They was getting married and they they hand wrote me an invitation.

SPEAKER_10:

What? Did you RSVP?

SPEAKER_08:

Well, not yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing on Tuesday. Do you get a plus one? There's two of us, and we both have to be there.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, they were very polite. Oh, I guess they were very polite. And I got a plus two!

SPEAKER_10:

Oh.

SPEAKER_07:

Alright, well see.

SPEAKER_10:

Is there a kosher option?

SPEAKER_06:

From Hollywood.

SPEAKER_00:

Now you all saw a bit of a stunt at the last commercial break, and I hope I didn't scare you, but I also hope that I did. Did you know that hats lost to the wind are the number one cause of businessmen getting hit up hit by computer trains? That's right. One gust of wind and forget seeing your little Bobby or lovely Jane. They'll have to get used to the milk man, their dad. And all became all because you refuse to wear a Wrigley Windbreaker. Some may mock you, others might call you a walking outhouse. But you know you're secure while they hold on dearly to their newspapers and their lives. It's hard. It's time to consider wrapping yourself in 75 to 100 pounds of pure Canadian steel. Wrigley Windbreakers, your best way around to keep your feet on the ground. And now, welcome back to the Improvised Golden Age Radio Players for the thrilling conclusion to Oh No Canada.

SPEAKER_10:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to wed Roscoe and Rachel in holy matrimony.

SPEAKER_07:

Do we get to say our vows now?

SPEAKER_10:

It's time for you to get into the air.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay, sorry.

SPEAKER_10:

Time for you now to share your vows.

SPEAKER_07:

Okay. Roscoe? I love you like a partially clouded sunset. Where you can kind of see the sun still. And that's nice. And it's not maybe exactly what you'd want, but it's still pretty good. I love you like I love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that's been in my lunch for a couple hours. You know, it's still pretty good, but it could be less soggy.

SPEAKER_01:

Honey, it looks like a really long speech. You want to skip to the end?

SPEAKER_07:

Uh sure. I love you like I love two right shoes. One of them's right.

SPEAKER_01:

Rachel. I've never met anybody like you before. Canadian. Or a Chicagoan. I don't know what I'm supposed to think of you, but I know that whatever you are and wherever you're from, I love you no matter what. And I want to be with you the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_08:

I object!

SPEAKER_01:

What?

SPEAKER_08:

I object! In this moment I objected. I standed up and I showed everybody my badge. I said I object! What? Who are you? It's me, Detective Officer Simmons. And Rachel, your mother, who killed my father! What? No! I am here on the day of your wedding to exact my revenge. Wait. It's me!

SPEAKER_07:

The murderer of your father. Yes, I murdered your father. But I only did it because I needed the money. And he didn't have any, so I killed him.

SPEAKER_10:

Wait! What? It's me. Jenkins.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, you're taller now!

SPEAKER_10:

The officer who watched you kill her father and did nothing to stop it.

SPEAKER_07:

You're still a cop, even with that?

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah. And I am I object to the characterization that he had no money, because he did have some, he just didn't give it away. He didn't give it to you right away. He anyways.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, I remember that day clearly. My father gave me one single quarter, and I got a really melty scoop of vanilla ice cream. Well, if you'd given me that quarter, I wouldn't have killed him.

SPEAKER_02:

But wait! It's me! Charlie, the ring bearer! Oh yeah, we all know who you are. Rasco, Rachel! Well, they were monologuing, I tied their shoes together! Run! Run for it! Run!

SPEAKER_01:

Knowing that my wife was in pursuit by the police, we ran through the church, up the spiral staircase, and down into the other spiral staircase, into the catacombs of the church.

SPEAKER_07:

And I had a bag of marbles with me, so I dropped them behind me.

SPEAKER_10:

I should have worn my loafers.

SPEAKER_01:

In the basement was her entire family of Canadian mobsters undercover, so they wouldn't be caught by the police.

SPEAKER_07:

Hey! Welcome to the awailing!

SPEAKER_09:

It's me, a law-abiding South African.

SPEAKER_02:

Ireland's a great place. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm from Scotland. Hello? Nobody's gonna remember me.

SPEAKER_02:

Wait a second. Isn't that your daughter running down the hallway there, dropping marbles behind her?

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, geez, it is. What's wrong, Rachel? Nothing, Dad. I'm just running from the cops on my wedding day.

SPEAKER_01:

Rachel, this is a strange way to meet both of your parents for the first time.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh yeah, these are my parents. This is my dad. He's Irish. This is my mom. She's South African. No, I'm wrong. I can't tell acting.

SPEAKER_01:

I think she sounds like she's Italian.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, yeah, isn't me. I'm Italian.

SPEAKER_12:

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_12:

I'm Canadian. I can't tell the difference between accents. Oh, that's all right, darling. You're still beautiful to me.

SPEAKER_03:

Thanks, Ed. Do you ever think we're betraying ourselves? Betraying our Canadian-ness. What, by pretending we're other things?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. That's the way we came to America, wasn't it? To be proud of being Canadian. To be here among the people and bring something different that they've never had, like Tim Hortons. Or milk in bags. And I think that's it. That's pretty much it, right?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. I was born here, so I'm not sure why you guys can't.

SPEAKER_02:

You would understand as an American more than anyone. Our inalienable rights as being legal aliens in your country. You gotta do something for us. Anything. Maybe talk to those people, maybe wave an American flag a certain way.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know, but Roscoe!

SPEAKER_07:

Roscoe, our whole family is depending on you.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, I'll see if I can distract the police. I saw a bus out back. Maybe I can get him on that and drive him away.

SPEAKER_03:

That's a great idea. Be careful if it's a school bus. That's all I'm gonna say.

SPEAKER_01:

Roscoe left the room. He'd be back in a few minutes. As he walked up the staircase, he was sh suddenly aware, and his senses heightened in a way they hadn't been before. He'd never been chased by the police, and he never chased the police.

SPEAKER_10:

There he is. Oh no! Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh, you're the groom! Yeah. Yeah, where's that wife of yours?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10:

She's coming with us.

SPEAKER_08:

And where's your future? Or did we finish the ceremony?

SPEAKER_10:

I think they're tech I think once someone objects, it they're married. That's when they're married.

SPEAKER_08:

They uh you get married?

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah, you have to have an objection or else it doesn't count.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, why did you tell me that? I wouldn't have objected.

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah, you sealed the deal for us. I thought you knew.

SPEAKER_08:

I messed up. I really messed up about that.

SPEAKER_10:

I thought you knew.

SPEAKER_08:

I should have gone to marriage law class. I was always, you know, hung over. I never went. Anyway.

SPEAKER_10:

Where is she? Where's that Canook bride of yours?

SPEAKER_01:

Now that she's married to me, she's an American. Hands off, both of you.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, your mother-in-law is not an American, and she's the one I'm really worried about because she killed my father.

SPEAKER_10:

That's true, too. Yes, all of those things.

SPEAKER_01:

You can't blame her. It's in her blood. She's a Sicilian. They're a murderous bunch.

SPEAKER_08:

No, I remember her distinctly being Canadian.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright. Alright, you got me. I'll drive you to them. They're all at the International Cafe. Follow me. I've got a car out back. A car, bus. Don't worry about the details.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, I love riding on a bus. I love the bus.

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah. You are super tall, Officer Jenkins. I will do my best.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, this is kind of like our cop duo thing. He's super tall. I'm super small. We're we're tall and small.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, Ryan, cool, cool. Where you got?

SPEAKER_07:

Alright. Uh no, we get out of them on the bus and then you do your boom, boom, yeah?

SPEAKER_09:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, I can I guess we can drop it, eh?

SPEAKER_09:

Yes. We're it's just it's just us here.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I have a hard time getting out of character. You should see me when I play charades.

SPEAKER_09:

So I I do have a bit of a confession. What's that? You know the boss thing. Yeah. We're counting on it. It didn't happen.

SPEAKER_07:

Didn't happen?

SPEAKER_09:

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh jeez, that's awfully anti-Canadian of you to lie.

SPEAKER_09:

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07:

We're a notoriously forthright people. I'm willing to murder them. Okay. That's all you gotta do is be willing, bud.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah. And you know what? You're the boss.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah. You can do it.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, come on.

SPEAKER_07:

You're great. Oh, so are you. And you those shoes are perfect for a wedding. You know? That's all I needed. I have a bloodlust now. Alright. Good on you, buddy. Good on you. Alright, let's go find that their bus. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah, okay. So just right this way, hop on in. Let me pull the handle here. Let's shut the door behind you. Okay. There's no seat belts, obviously. Obviously, yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay. Never expect a seatbelt on a bus. That would be for dummy heads.

SPEAKER_01:

And there's nobody else on the bus but I. It's jammed full of backpacks.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back and sit on the seat where I get to put my feet on the hump. Oh, it's my favorite seat. The wheel seat, yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, who's gonna drive? I don't have a bus license.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, a driver. What was I thinking? All right, I'll go get the driver inside. You two stay here. Alright. I'll be right back, then I'll drive you to the International Cafe, and we can go get my in-laws, and you can round them up and deport them.

SPEAKER_10:

Alright, that sounds like a good Thursday.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, that's my dream. That's what I've been going to bed thinking about. Roscoe, I can't let you do this.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh honey, I got it all taken care of.

SPEAKER_07:

No, I can't let you kill these police people by blowing them up.

SPEAKER_05:

You weren't gonna kill us?

SPEAKER_10:

Wait.

SPEAKER_05:

When does the cycle of violence end?

SPEAKER_10:

Was that before or after the cafe? Because I'm hungry.

SPEAKER_07:

It was gonna be before. No! But I'm American now. Ever since you objected, I've been American. And we don't blow up school buses.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. That's right.

SPEAKER_07:

That's an awfully Canadian thing to do. And I'm not Canadian anymore. I'm American. I got red, white, and blue in my veins. And I love America like I love a melty popsicle. You know, like it hasn't supposed to have a face. But then it melted, so it kind of has a weird face on it. But I still love it because it's delicious. Like freedom. And I can't let you I can't let you do this.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, honey, fine. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail either.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh good.

SPEAKER_01:

And assuming that they forget that we clearly called out the conspiracy to kill them in return for not killing them.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, they'll they'll let us know.

SPEAKER_11:

Does that work?

SPEAKER_10:

All these forgiven. That's good for me.

SPEAKER_11:

Wait, wait, it's me, Charlie, the ringbearer.

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah, yeah, we all know who you are, Charlie.

SPEAKER_11:

Back inside, you gotta see the news. Truman's announcing something crazy! Alright, let's run up the spiral staircase.

SPEAKER_01:

Spiral staircase off the bus into the spiral staircase up the church. Down to the spiral staircase into the lobby.

SPEAKER_11:

There, right on the only TV that's in the whole place. Look, he just said the border's back open.

SPEAKER_02:

Everyone's welcome. Yay! Except that he does want to shore up the the the organized crime a little bit. He's kind of worried about the mafia presence, uh Canadian mafia presence.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you everyone for coming to the Improvised Golden Age Radio. Once again, we have Caitlin Schneider on the Holy Table, Peter Corey, Carly Olson, Grace Gozie, Eric Peterson, Joe Burton, and Joe Harkenstein in the booth, Becca Smith, and I am Chuck Cotterman. Thank you so much. Have a great night.