The Weathered Piano (live from Flyover Comedy Festival)

A broken piano plays the chords of a broken man's heart. Actually that's not really what happens, but that would be pretty poetic if it was! Live from the Flyover Comedy Festival in St.Louis.  

Ft. Philip Amler, Ashley Whitehurst, Jordan Reichardt, Joe Hartenstine

Host: Chuck Cotterman

Foley: Katlin Schenider

Tech: Ed Zak & Vicky Di Dios

Theme Music: Mark Rose www.downwrite.com

Transcript

Live Show Setup And Audience Prompts

Chuck Cotterman 0:00

Prices are going up, and they're not coming down. Get used to it, says the Pope. This is K I G A R Radio, and once again, we apologize for what our transmitter is doing to all of the dogs.

Eric Pedersen 0:25

The improvised Golden Age of Radio is a fully improvised comedy presented live to a studio audience, staged and performed in the classic style of an old-time radio show. This episode was recorded live at the improv shop in St. Louis, Missouri, as part of the Flyover Comedy Festival on November 15th, 2025.

Chuck Cotterman 1:08

And tonight we will be performing a live improvised radio show for you tonight. Before I get started, let's bring out our cast Philip Amler, Joe Hartenstein, Jordan Reichart, and Ashley Whitehurst. We also have Caitlin Schneider back here on the Foley table. And bringing you the sounds of the future back into the past. We have Ed Zack and Victoria de Dios in the booth. Round of applause for those in the back as well. Now, folks, if you are not familiar with old time radio, old time radio refers to the narrative radio that happened in the 30s, 40s, and 50s. Uh ended around the uh early 1960s. So we will be bringing that to you with a bit of a modern flair tonight. And I will be your announcer. And uh as the play goes on, I'll be over here at the table writing some message that I'm psychic psychally psychically receiving from our sponsors. Uh before that, I just want to go ahead and meet some of our audience here. So tonight I'm going to squint down there. We don't have a wireless microphone because that was not available in 1940. And I'm gonna say hello and maybe ask you a couple questions. Uh let's go with the nearest here. Hello, I can see your faces, and that's really helpful for me. Um your name, please. Katie, thank you for that projection. Well done. Uh I just have one question for you. Can you tell me one of your grandparents' professions? Pianist? Oh, that was fantastic. Uh music teacher or just a concert pianist? Concert pianist. Uh here in St. Louis or elsewhere? Uh where where from?

unknown 2:37

Dallas.

Chuck Cotterman 2:37

Dallas. Alright. Uh and I'm sorry, your name again? Craig? Uh Craig, can you tell me? I have my handy-dandy list. Your first car.

Eric Pedersen 2:47

It was a motorcycle.

Chuck Cotterman 2:50

A motorcycle? Okay, what kind of motorcycle did you have?

unknown 2:53

A Yamaha Morago 535.

Chuck Cotterman 2:55

Uh, this is an intense motorcycle. Round of applause for the Yamaha, everybody. Now, Katie and Craig. Round of applause for Katie and Craig. Let's move right here. Uh, your name, please. Anna. Anna. Uh, can you name a meal your relative made you any relative that you just can't forget? Lasagna. Lasagna. A nice piping hot lasagna. Was this lasagna enough for four, six, eight, or thirty people? 30. Yeah, that's generally that's the tradition. Uh, thank you very much. Anna, round of applause for Anna. And now, by show of hands, let's see if I can see. Uh, could anyone raise their hand if they think they are from the furthest away to visit the Flyover Comedy Festival? Furthest away? Where are you from? Hot Springs, Arkansas. Both of you? Where are you from? Dallas. You said Dallas. I've I feel like the two of you could battle on a map and find out which is exactly far away, but that's pretty good. Alright, anybody further than that? Back in the back? I'm sorry?

Speaker 7 3:59

Port Charlotte Florida.

Chuck Cotterman 4:00

Port Charlotte, Florida. Alright. Anybody feel like they're a little further away than Florida? Round of applause for Port Charlotte, Florida, then. Alright, and anyone from from here in St. Louis, can you raise your hand? I figured that would be the answer. Uh sir, right here. And may I ask you, your name?

unknown 4:19

Seth.

Naming The Teleplay: The Weathered Piano

Chuck Cotterman 4:20

Seth? Can you tell me just a quick piece of local St. Louis lore, maybe an urban legend? Oh, I put him on the spot, folks. The arch controls the weather. The arch controls the weather. Absolutely fantastic. Well, folks, thank you very much. Whether you like it or not, those answers are going to be a part of the show tonight. Because Old Time Radio took months of preparation, lots of writing, lots of scene creation, and also meticulous planning along with plenty of rehearsals. We have done none of that. So we're going to bring you the sights, the sounds of Old Time Radio. And please put your hands together with a round of applause for your players. And we have just one piece of information that we still need, and I'm going to turn to them. Folks, do we have a name for tonight's teleplay? Radio play. Oh, please go up. The Weathered Piano. The Weathered Piano. Everyone, a round of applause for tonight's episode: The Weathered Piano.

Anna’s Piano And Henry’s Mother Issues

Joe 5:34

Anna Lasagna sat at her piano, plinking out a few notes, gently, remembering a better time. She knew that she needed to tune this old piano to get it in any good condition to sell. But she wasn't ready to part with it just yet. The piano had been her mother's. And she had an attachment to it.

Jordan 6:10

I'm sorry, sir, I know you're here for this, but it is not for sale.

Philip 6:13

Well, that's the piano I came to buy. What do you mean it's not for sale? Are you trying to hookmick me here? What's the deal?

Jordan 6:18

I changed my mind on your on your way.

Philip 6:20

Well, you can't change your mind once I'm on my way. Don't you know the rules of barbering?

Ashley 6:24

This man's name was Henry Frederickson, and he was sweating like a horse.

Philip 6:30

I ran here like the Dickens to buy this piano, and I've got no plan to get it home with me.

Jordan 6:36

You don't know what this piano means to me. It used to be my mother's. Oh, great for you! A piano that belonged to your mom.

Ashley 6:43

I've got things that belong to my mom. Henry Frederickson has years of trauma with his mother. He won't get into that now.

Philip 6:49

I'm not gonna get into it right now, but there's a spoon I have of hers that's very memorable to me. He pulls it out of his pocket.

Ashley 6:57

He pulls it out of his pocket.

Philip 6:58

I'm carrying it with me here now. Not to show it to you, but just to remind myself to be a good boy, Henry. Be a good boy, Henry. Be a good boy.

Jordan 7:07

Henry, it sounds like you've got a bit of trauma, yeah.

Philip 7:11

Look, I just want to buy a piano, okay? I'm not here for one of those newfangled analysts.

Jordan 7:18

Well, that's what I am. I lured you're here under false pretenses.

Philip 7:23

Well, I'll be a monkey's mother.

Ashley 7:26

Anna pulls out a notebook. A brand new notebook. She just got it down at the dollar store. Seems like all your phrases end in the word mother.

Philip 7:36

Well, that's just the mother of a different color.

Ashley 7:39

She writes down the word mother in big block letters. She has beautiful handwriting. How does this make you feel?

Philip 7:46

Oh, well, I feel sweaty. Sweaty. I guess is one way I feel, if that's an emotion. We've got a lot of work to do. I uh I remember a tire swing in the yard. I'd go out there after lunch and I'd say, Swing me, mommy, swing me. She'd be inside with some man I'd never met before.

Ashley 8:11

That man was his father.

Philip 8:14

Some some man, some mysterious man. I remember the a manly shape standing in the doorway. And I'm running, I'm running from the tire swing trying to get to him to chase him. And then I'm falling, I'm falling deep down into a dark well.

Jordan 8:33

Is that normal? Normal is one word for it, but I says, as I said, we've got a lot of work to do. Um let me ask you one more thing. Your father, this mysterious man.

Philip 8:47

Well, all I said was mysterious man. You're making a lot of assumptions now.

Jordan 8:51

I could tell by the look in your eyes. You started crying when you mentioned him. Golly Geepers, was that man my father?

Ashley 9:01

Meanwhile, across town at a bar, a dark, dark bar, a man sits alone drinking his whiskey sour.

Philip 9:17

His name was Frank McGill.

Joe 9:21

Bartender. Bartender.

Ashley 9:25

Yes, I have a name. I'd like you to use it.

Joe 9:30

Okay.

Ashley 9:30

Just once, at least. Just once I want to be called by my name instead of by my job title.

Joe 9:37

Tess.

Ashley 9:38

Thank you, sir.

Joe 9:40

I think this whiskey's gone sour. It was a whiskey sour.

Ashley 9:49

No, I'm trying something new. A cocktail type thing.

Joe 9:53

A cocktail, you say? Oh well, that's the bunk. Don't try it out on me. I'm a traditional man, you see.

unknown 10:04

Oh.

Philip 10:05

This was supposed to be a dry county ever since the war. But now booze was starting to sneak its way back into this little berg.

Ashley 10:16

You seem sad or angry. I can't quite tell the difference here.

Joe 10:23

Oh well. Yeah. That's uh typical man for you. You don't have to tell me.

Philip 10:32

Frank McGill didn't share his emotions willy-nilly. And he also wore his jacket inside out just to keep people guessing. That's right.

Joe 10:42

You know, uh I don't need your guff uh Tess. Hey, I'll get out of here on my motorcycle.

Ashley 10:51

I don't think you should leave in the state you're in.

Joe 10:54

Ah. What do you mean? Running away from my problems? Yes, I will. Because I'm a man, you see.

Ashley 11:04

You're three sheets to the wind. I don't want you to die. Just talk about your feelings. Isn't that easier?

Joe 11:11

Well, well, I'm not gonna die. Uh, you know, nothing's gonna happen to me.

Philip 11:18

Frank McGill had a dangerous look in his eye. The look of a man who had been from town to town, strifting along like a long shadow, creeping along the countryside from bar to bar.

Ashley 11:33

Sir, your eyes are bugging out of your head. Are you okay?

Joe 11:36

Yes, I am all right. Another whiskey. Extra sour.

Ashley 11:44

Just give me one feeling.

Joe 11:50

I can't. I can't do it, you see.

Ashley 11:53

There's something on your mind. There's something on all of our minds.

Joe 11:59

I wish. I wish I could hear beautiful music again. But I can't, you see. Not because of this uh town, this old town. There's no music left in the town.

Ashley 12:14

All the music stores closed up.

Joe 12:17

Yet, literally, there's no music left in the town. Yes, exactly. You have to go over. It's not a metaphor. I'm not a subtle man.

Ashley & Jordan 12:25

Easy with the fist.

Joe 12:28

Alright. You're right.

Ashley & Jordan 12:30

Put it down. Alright, okay. Not in my bar.

Joe 12:33

Put this one away in my jacket.

Ashley & Jordan 12:34

Yeah.

Philip 12:36

Listen, if you corner was an old dusty jukebox. It hadn't been played in years.

Ashley 12:42

Here's a quarter. Why don't you wander over to that jukebox and see what awaits you?

Joe 12:56

Well, maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Philip 13:03

Meanwhile, crosstown again. There were three edges of this town. With people living in all of them.

Jordan 13:14

I just live here. I'm new here.

Joe 13:20

Yeah, we're new here. It looks like a nice neighborhood. Yeah.

Jordan 13:23

It seems quiet here, no quieter than where I used to live. It seems like nothing can go wrong. Wait, are all three of us new here? We're all new.

Ashley 13:31

We all did you all just show up yesterday exactly at 12 p.m.?

Jordan 13:36

Yeah, I don't even rem remember how I got here, if I'm being honest. Neither do I. I just showed up.

Philip 13:41

They were standing under a large, mysterious arch.

Ashley 13:45

This is strange.

Philip 13:47

Wow.

Ashley 13:48

I was perfectly packed, though. My suitcase had everything I needed. I don't remember packing it. I have things for every kind of weather event.

Joe 13:59

I just got what's in my pockets. Oh no. But there's deep pockets. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Philip 14:08

Just then a tornado blew by. Just a little one. Not too dangerous.

Jordan 14:13

Whoa! I don't know what you wear in a tornado, but I'm sure I have something. Open it up. See what's in there. Okay.

Ashley 14:22

So no go on.

Jordan 14:25

No, you. No.

Philip 14:27

They kept insisting the other go first.

Jordan 14:29

No, you, really, I mean it. Come on, say it. It's your floor. Do you agree? How do you feel? I'm staying out of this one. Men are always so simple in this town, never know how to say what they're feeling.

Ashley 14:44

I know back where I'm from, men just don't stop talking about their feelings.

Philip 14:49

Then just then a rainstorm blew in right over their heads.

Ashley & Joe 14:53

Oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh. Oh wow. Gee. My shirt's soaking wet. I should take it off. I'll take it off. I'm taking it off. It off. I feel better.

Jordan 15:14

We just arrived to this town and already you're making a reputation.

Ashley 15:18

Well, what kind of reputation is that? Listen, I don't want to be the type of women pitted against each other in the story. Me neither. Take your shirt off, too.

Philip 15:30

Look, lady, you're gonna stay in this jail cell all night. I found you topless out near that mysterious arch. And so what? Is that a crime? It is a crime, actually. I'm the policeman in this town. Nice to meet you. Oh my name's Dave.

Ashley 15:46

Nice to meet you, Dave, in your tight pants. You did you ever ask, can I get a new uniform because I look like a dork?

Philip 15:56

Well, you've got some mouth on you, lady. You show up to our town, new and nude as the day you were born, and then you go insulting the lawman?

Arrests, Nicknames, And Feelings In A Cell

Ashley 16:07

I'm not afraid of you. I showed up in a mysterious town and I have no idea what got me here. There's nothing scarier. You don't scare me.

Philip 16:15

I think I need to call in one of those experts on this one. I'll go do that.

Chuck Cotterman 16:26

Everyone, put your hands together for act one of the Weather Piano. Are Dave's pants too tight? Will they ever get back to the piano? You'll find out in Act Two, but first, a word from our sponsor. It's been a long day. The heat's been beating down on your wool clothing, and your wool hat is barely hanging onto your soaked and exhausted head. You need refreshment, and there's no better refreshment than a thick, sweet, room temperature wine. That's right, nothing quenches the heat in your soul like a port Florida port. That smooth, sticky drink that stays in your mouth until you need a drink of water to forget it. But you won't forget it. Port Florida port is the only drink that leaves a lasting positive mark on your liver. Doctors call it the PFP guarantee that your internal organs are having a great time. Port Florida port, the best thing you'll drink from an unreasonably tall and skinny bottle. And now, act two of The Weathered Piano.

Jordan 17:39

I just got a feeling you needed to talk about something.

Philip 17:44

She rarely faced the person she was talking to. While she analyzed them, she helped it. She found that it helped her focus on the words.

Jordan 17:53

Alright, you're arrested. That must feel bad. Yeah, I feel trapped. I want to get out. Okay. I've reached the end of my expertise. We can talk, but I can't really do. Let's talk. Okay.

Ashley 18:07

Woman to woman. Woman to woman. I showed up in this town, and I don't know how I got here. Unbelievable. No recollection at all. At all. I'm not crazy. Don't say I'm crazy. Don't commit me.

Jordan 18:19

I wasn't going to. Between you and me, I only say that about the men in this town. Hey, can we high-five through these bars? We can certainly try. Let's do it.

unknown 18:35

Hey!

Philip 18:35

Did I hear a high-five going on here? One of those newfangled greetings I've heard about.

Ashley 18:40

It isn't Mr. Dork Dave.

Philip 18:42

You stop calling me that. You have to make her stop calling me that.

Jordan 18:45

I can't do. I just listen.

Philip 18:47

I thought you were an expert.

Ashley 18:49

Oh You know, exc excuse me, would you would you be would you be interested in maybe trying your your expertise on Mr. Dorky Dave over there?

Jordan 19:00

Dorky Dave, is that your professional name?

Philip 19:02

Well now, wait a minute. I'm not the one under interrogation here. She is. She's the one that showed up nude as a bucket under the big arch.

Jordan 19:11

Seems like a deflection technique, Dorky Dave.

Philip 19:16

You're not even the first person to call me Dorky Dave. That's the thing. How does everyone happen upon that nickname, independent of one another?

Jordan 19:24

Dave, it sounds like you've been arresting a whole lot of people recently. That's my job! Not this many people.

Philip 19:31

Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe I look for crimes where there really aren't any sometimes. Oh. Just so I'm not alone.

Ashley 19:39

May I? Give it a try. Sounds like there's something underneath that. We should unpack it.

Philip 19:46

Are you trying to get me to take my clothes off? Is that what you're saying?

Ashley 19:50

Give it a try, Dorky Dave.

Philip 19:56

Alright, I'll just rip them off.

Jordan 20:02

Bell crow everywhere. So many snaps and buttons.

Philip 20:09

Oh, I feel so so vulnerable.

Jordan 20:12

Is it illegal to feel so vulnerable, Dorky Dave?

Philip 20:16

If you're literally naked while doing it, yes, but maybe I could overlook that. Maybe. What is what is this feeling that I'm feeling?

Jordan 20:30

So sudden and new. So sudden and new. I hear I hear a rainstorm coming outside.

Philip 20:39

I don't hear a rainstorm. I hear an old hobo can. Darky Dave, I hold on, I gotta go arrest some hobos. I'll be right back. Darky Dave! Are you Darky Dave?

Joe 20:50

Alright, seven, seven whiskey sours. That should kill any feelings I still had in there. Get out of there. Let's just get this motorcycle started up.

Whiskey Sours And A Motorcycle Bond

Ashley 21:04

Bring McGill is trying to start his motorcycle, but he doesn't have the keys. He lost them in the alley.

Joe 21:11

Okay, uh, wait. Wait a second. I'm a man. A man with a paperclip. I don't need keys. That problem solver.

Philip 21:27

That shadowy figure in the alley. It looks so familiar to me somehow.

unknown 21:37

Come on.

Joe 21:38

Come back to me.

Ashley 21:40

Yes. Henry Henry Frederickson runs after the shadowy character. Good thing the shadowy character's only going one mile an hour. I'm flying, baby! The motorcycle sputters to a stop. Shadowy character falls onto the ground.

Joe 22:00

Go out of gas again.

Philip 22:04

Say, say, mister, I don't mean to uh bother you there.

Joe 22:08

Hey, what are you what are you doing? Get your hands off of me. Okay, I was helping you up.

Ashley & Jordan 22:13

His hands were all over him. All over him.

Ashley 22:17

Just everywhere. Every joking crazy. And under his armbits, under his legs, around his neck. He couldn't take that.

Philip 22:27

I uh I don't suppose you used to stand in doorways a lot about 25 years ago.

Joe 22:36

My doorway standing days are over. Don't even worry about it. What about you? You want to learn how to stand in doorways? Is that it?

Philip 22:48

Well, I wanted to buy a piano, but now I'm on something of a spiritual journey. Oh yeah, that does happen.

Ashley 22:56

Henry Frederickson pulls out that notebook and all it says is mother on it.

Joe 23:01

He even just looking at the word. Wait, wait. Did you say uh did you say piano?

Philip 23:10

Yes! Yes, I was gonna buy one from the woman down the block. I think her last name is Lysandia. It's an ethnic name.

Joe 23:18

Do you play the piano?

Ashley 23:19

Uh not yet, I wanna learn! Frank McGill is still on the ground.

Philip 23:24

Can I help you up? Hands everywhere. They're everywhere.

Ashley 23:30

Both of them have hands on each other now.

Joe 23:32

Oh, that's thirsty work.

Speaker 7 23:38

Let's go in and get a drink. So much sweat. Sure. Let's let's get a drink, old timer. Alright.

Joe 23:46

I like the cut of your gib. I'll let you buy me one.

Dave And Anna: Floods, Flirtation, And A Piano

Ashley 23:55

Both of them walk, but they have the same exact gait. It's uncanny. They keep It's a jolly gait. The knees, the knees lift a little too high with this gait, but they they get to their destination just fine. Flat feet, sore knees, and a sore back later.

Joe 24:17

Six whiskey sour screens. Why whiskey sour? Why that's my drink! Oh, seven whiskey source.

Ashley 24:28

Oh, now you like it. So you have to you have to say my name first. You come into my bar and tell me my name.

Joe 24:39

Seven whiskey sours. Yes.

Ashley 24:43

Frank McGill. As I live and breathe. And who is sitting next to you?

Joe 24:49

Do you mind if I sit next to you at the bar? I didn't want to impose. No, that's that's fine. That's the spot that I would have taken if I hadn't taken this one.

Ashley 25:01

They play musical chairs for the next three minutes.

Joe 25:04

Okay, you can be uh yeah. Oh put put your arm, put your arm over my arm, and then everywhere.

Ashley 25:10

Your hands are everywhere.

Joe 25:13

We're back in the exact same positions that we were in before. Okay.

Ashley 25:17

Sir, I haven't seen you here before.

Speaker 7 25:20

Uh well, I don't I don't drink normally. This is my my new friend.

Joe 25:28

Yes, male friendships in adulthood exist.

Ashley 25:36

Strange, I the things you'll do to not talk about your feelings. You went out and made a friend.

Philip 25:42

Let's talk about that motorcycle it said. How fast can you get on that thing?

Joe 25:46

Yeah, okay, yeah. Well, it's a Yamaha. Okay, that sounds foreign. Foreign it is! Oh you got a good eye. Uh I should have asked you your name.

Speaker 7 25:58

My name? Your name. Well, it's Henry. Henry. I don't know the rest. Okay, well, put her there, Henry.

Joe 26:12

Frank McGill.

Ashley 26:14

Across town, Anna Lasagna is settling down to eat dinner and read her favorite book, The Catcher in the Rye.

Jordan 26:23

Bit of light reading. I like being alone in my own house. It's where I can really be free. When suddenly a knock at the door. Now who could that be coming into my home at this hour?

Ashley 26:40

She sets the book down. It's it's the juicy part, so she's upset about leaving the book. Make it quick, whoever you are.

Philip 26:51

It's me, Officer Dave.

Jordan 26:53

Officer Dave! Oh, you're back.

Philip 26:56

Well, I I wandered around town naked all night. There was there was no one to arrest me, because you know.

Jordan 27:05

You're arresting, I'll tell you that much.

Ashley 27:08

Suddenly the light seemed perfectly dim.

Philip 27:12

Oh, did those clouds just roll in all of a sudden? Boy, listen to those clouds roll in. Yeah, that's clouds, all right.

unknown 27:23

Pretty good.

Jordan 27:26

I was just sitting here with my piano and my books, my dimly lit room. I was about to draw a bath. The things that women get up to when they're all alone on a cold night like this.

Philip 27:37

Anna Lasagna, do you mind if I come closer to you?

Jordan 27:41

Um, sure, there's room on the couch for two. Don't sit on my book.

Philip 27:47

Okay.

Jordan 27:49

He sits on the book. God damn it! Oh, okay. That's You're such a dork, I can tell already. Strike number one. My bad. Okay. Well, we'll see what the other two strikes are as the night continues, so.

Philip 28:04

And I uh well, I was just so gosh darn impressed with all your expertise and knowing how to talk about feelings and such, and I guess it opened up a floodgate, if you will. Okay.

Jordan 28:17

Well tell me more.

Philip 28:19

Tell me more. Did you Oh my god, is that a literal flood happening down the street?

Jordan 28:24

Yes.

Ashley 28:25

There is a flood coming.

Jordan 28:26

It's coming back.

Philip 28:27

What the hell is going on with the weather lately?

Jordan 28:30

I'm right in a flood zone.

Eric Pedersen 28:32

Oh, Anna.

Ashley & Joe 28:34

It's true. She got the property at the discounted price. It was so cheap, this house.

Philip 28:41

And I I didn't come here to talk to you about the price of your home, although it does sound very manageable.

Jordan 28:51

Let's talk about it more.

Philip 28:52

Well, that's not what I came to talk to you about.

Jordan 28:54

I have a 401k. It's amazing for a woman at this time. I I don't even know what that is. Okay.

Ashley & Jordan 29:01

The flood siren goes off again.

Philip 29:03

It sounds like a boat siren. Oh my god, this is the flood's headed right for the house. It can carry us away.

Ashley & Jordan 29:09

They have to get to safety, they have to get to the cellar, to the bunker. To the cellar. I have a bedroom. Oh, Dave! Dave! Dave takes Anna, throws her over his shoulder. Mama! Dave!

Jordan 29:26

Dave, where are you taking me, Dave? Up the stairs! I assume that's where your bedroom is! It is, but there's so many other things up there that I'd rather you not see!

Philip 29:35

Oh, like what? Certainly not a dusty old piano!

Jordan 29:39

No, I only have one of those. You've already seen it.

Chuck Cotterman 29:46

Act two of the weathered piano, everyone, put your hands together. Will Dave see the piano? Is he really that big of a door? Oh, that's. That's right. Port Florida port. The vineyards of France, second rate. The grapes of Napa Valley, garbage. The world's finest wine is the kind that coats the glass so much that you want to ask for a few dollars back from the bartender. But good luck! He'll see you coming. Because Port Florida port is the best-selling port in over two states. And every bartender south of Atlanta knows that every drop is a treat for your bloodstream. That's right, folks. Blood may be thicker than water, but Port Florida port is much, much thicker than that. So thick that doctors recommend drinking at least two glasses a day in order to reinforce the heart. With so much grape in the body, there's simply no way to be ill, unhappy, or convicted of any crimes. Port Florida Port, the finest vines in the nation, for this wonderful wine is the perfect sign that you're having the best time, even when you're committing crime. And now, Act Three and the thrilling conclusion of The Weathered Piano.

Philip 30:57

Up inside that large, mysterious arch. A woman sitting at a giant pipe organ. How did they put a giant pipe organ up in the arch? Well, wouldn't you like to know?

Ashley 31:16

C chord, D chord.

Philip 31:21

She talked and laughed as she played.

Ashley 31:25

F minor.

Philip 31:28

When then C major a mysterious silhouette appeared in Well, arches don't have doorways, but if you can kind of imagine an opening, you'd walk into the middle of the arch.

Ashley 31:43

Keep playing. Circle, keep playing. The treble cleft. Hmm. Flats and sharps.

Joe 31:51

I followed the sound.

Ashley 31:53

Four, four time signature.

Joe 31:55

Henry, come up here. I'll waltz, if you will. Listen, listen to that sound.

Philip 32:01

It's the sound I haven't I haven't heard in so long, but it's mysteriously familiar.

Jordan 32:08

Henry realized it was a song he had heard in early childhood.

Philip 32:12

I heard that song in early childhood.

Joe 32:19

It reminds me of a song that my mother played for me. And my mother played for me. Oh, mysterious phantom. Do you take requests?

Ashley 32:36

I do. Lay it on me, mysterious strangers. Sweaty, flat-footed, sore new knees, strangers.

Philip 32:46

Yes, I'm so sweaty. I might lose a couple layers while I'm up in here.

Ashley 32:50

Take it off.

Jordan 32:53

Will you play the giddy gumdrops of Giggle Island? She knew the song well.

Ashley 33:01

Just one second. Let me get my sheet music out. Oh, it's in here somewhere. And let me keep rifling through it.

Jordan 33:10

With each flapping of the page, a new weather pattern emerged.

Philip 33:14

Oh, it is getting hot up here. It's a heat wave. Hear it! Hear that heat wave coming. Yeah, that's a heat wave.

Ashley 33:22

I think I might have found it. Sounds like it.

Philip 33:24

Have I found it?

Ashley 33:27

Ah, dog, it's somewhere. I'm gonna take off a layer as well.

Joe 33:33

Oh.

Ashley 33:36

Here we go. Okay. Settle in.

Joe 33:39

Okay. I probably won't have any r emotional reaction.

Jordan 33:43

Here come the notes. Here they come. Okay. Oh. With each note, the two men started to feel a welling up of something. Uh-oh. They weren't sure how to identify it. Uh-oh!

Philip 33:55

It's like I'm back on that tire swing all over again.

Ashley 33:59

I happen to have a feelings wheel up here. You can give it a spin if you want. Spin?

Bathtub Lasagna And Quiet Intimacy

Joe 34:08

Sure. I'm a gambling man. Let's see where this comes out. Spin that wheel! There it goes. Comes around.

Ashley 34:21

What's the feeling, stranger? Tell me.

Jordan 34:25

Oh, the feeling is sadness. That was a basic one, but it would do for now. Deep sadness.

Joe 34:36

And I'm feeling it. I remember those kiddy gum drops. Frank!

Philip 34:45

Frank, I've got something to tell you, Frank. Yes, new friend Henry. I'm not just your friend, Frank. I love you, Papa.

Jordan 34:58

Across town, Dave and Anna Lasagna were in their bedroom. It's a bedroom we both share now. It's ours.

Philip 35:08

Well, I suppose.

Ashley 35:13

To be clear, they've done absolutely nothing but sit on the bed.

Philip 35:18

Well, I.

Ashley 35:19

You're sitting on my books.

Philip 35:20

Oh, oh, sorry. Strike two. Okay. I uh well, it seems like the floods died down a little. Maybe I should uh be be on my way.

Jordan 35:29

The door is locked. You can't go. You can't. What, the dickens? You can't. We're we're just beginning something really wonderful, you and me.

Joe 35:39

The door was locked from the inside.

Jordan 35:42

Oh, I can unlock it. Oh, damn it!

Philip 35:44

Oh, good. Alright, well, Anna, this has been this has been lovely. And uh, you know, I feel like I opened up and got naked in front of you, and those are all good steps.

Jordan 35:55

So we have something to build on. I don't just do this with anyone. Bring them into my room and watch them get naked and do nothing after. This is true. But I thought you were an expert. I'm an expert at some things and a total novice at others.

Joe 36:13

But the screen door was locked, and as he turned. Oh golly. He saw that he was trapped.

Philip 36:27

I'm trapped, Anna Lasagna. Trapped by your beauty and trapped by your screen door on your bedroom.

Jordan 36:36

Which one's more relevant to your heart?

Philip 36:41

You.

Jordan 36:42

Okay.

Philip 36:43

You and your meaty lasagna.

Jordan 36:46

My meaty lasagna. Listen, I was about to eat a big slice of that lasagna in the bathtub.

Philip 36:53

Okay, now I'm a little confused. Are we talking about an actual lasagna? I'm a novice at so many things.

Ashley 37:07

Suddenly Dave remembered that he still had to solve the the weird happenstance of three human beings who showed up.

Philip 37:14

Oh my god, I got I got so distracted by love and getting naked everywhere. I I forgot to do my job as a man of the law.

Ashley 37:21

But he still had time for the bathroom, lasagna. Come on!

Jordan 37:27

Yeah, I got time.

Philip 37:28

Good! Alright, let's just uh open the bathroom door. It was easy. And now the hard parts.

Jordan 37:40

Are you a corner slice or a center slice kind of guy? Whoa.

Philip 37:44

This metaphor is getting real tricky.

Jordan 37:49

Okay, uh well I'll just um serve you up a sli- I'm actually made a lasagna. I really did.

Philip 37:56

Wow! Wow, that looks good actually. Yeah. And I skipped lunch because I was running around town naked.

Jordan 38:02

Oh wow. Busy day.

Joe 38:05

And there it was. The perfect lasagna. Meaty, cheesy, a little bit of crust.

Jordan 38:14

In many ways, you're kind of like a perfect lasagna, too. Meaty, cheesy, little crusty.

New Arrival And Show Closing Credits

Philip 38:24

Sorry. Sorry about the crusty bit. I didn't know this was gonna be happening today. We didn't know it was happening. I would have prepared a little differently.

Jordan 38:32

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Philip 38:33

Well, should we shall we?

Jordan 38:35

You hop in the bath. Okay. Wee! Oh, he's so whimsical, this dork of a man.

Ashley 38:44

Oh, and they ate. They ate and they ate. There was squelching. There was sounds of joy and pleasure. There was chewing. But like polite chewing, not the annoying kind.

Joe 39:01

It was intimate, but it was tasteful. It was flavorful and it was memorable.

Jordan 39:09

Hey. Look, the the sun's coming out.

Joe 39:13

Wow. Oh my god. Yeah, listen to that sun come out. The sun came up fast.

Ashley 39:23

Suddenly Dorky Day remembered he still had a case to solve.

Philip 39:28

Oh my god, we've spent all night in your bathtub eating lasagna, and I haven't arrested a single person in 12 hours. Oh, that's probably good. Well, I kind of thought we were gonna have sex at some point, but this was so much more intimate.

Jordan 39:45

It really was.

Philip 39:49

It really was, Anna. I uh I guess I'll see you around.

Ashley 39:55

He snapped and put his fingers in the form of a gun.

Philip 40:02

I'm bad at this.

Ashley 40:04

He's not good at flirting. He tries a couple other things with his hands.

Philip 40:12

Can you unlock the screen door for me? Underneath the mysterious arch. A stranger. A new stranger. Another soul sucked in by its mysterious pole. What was this person searching for? What did they want? What did they feel?

Joe 40:44

I wonder where I can get a good piece of lasagna in this town. He wondered. He wondered. I wonder. I guess I'll go find out.

Chuck Cotterman 41:06

Everyone, thank you. That is the improvised golden age of radio, the weathered piano. Everyone, Port Florida Port's dedicated vineyard managers are legally obligated to apologize and encourage you to enjoy Port Florida Port responsibly. Remember to drink no more than six to eight glasses in one sitting. And most of all, don't commit any crimes. Everybody, this was Philip Amler, Joe Hartenstein, Ashley Whitehurst, and Jordan Reichart. We also have Caitlin Schneider, Ed Zach, and Victoria De Dios. And I'm your host, Chuck Cotterman. Please find us at Improvised Radio Show on Instagram and improvisedradio.com. And you may have some coins on the table with our logo and QR code. Feel free to take them home or give them to an enemy if you absolutely hated this experience. If you visit the QR code, you will find a couple of shows from the past as well as one on video from Second City. Please enjoy it when you get around to it. And thank you, everyone, at the Flyover Comedy Festival. Give them a round of applause. And everyone, have a wonderful night. Thank you very much.

Eric Pedersen 42:32

Co-creator Chuck Cotterman was the host, Caitlin Schneider on Foley, with Ed Zach and Vicky de Dios running tech. I'm Eric Peterson, co-creator of the show. Thanks for listening, and if you're interested in seeing the show live, check us out at improvised radio.com for Showtimes. And if you enjoy the podcast, please like and subscribe anywhere you find podcasts. Thanks again.