Improvised Golden Age Radio

The Weathered Piano (live from Flyover Comedy Festival)

• IGAR • Season 1 • Episode 7

Share episode

A broken piano plays the chords of a broken man's heart. Actually that's not really what happens, but that would be pretty poetic if it was! Live from the Flyover Comedy Festival in St.Louis.  

Ft. Philip Amler, Ashley Whitehurst, Jordan Reichardt, Joe Hartenstine

Host: Chuck Cotterman

Foley: Katlin Schenider

Tech: Ed Zak & Vicky Di Dios


Send the creators a text!

Support the show

https://www.improvisedradio.com/

https://www.instagram.com/improvisedradioshow/

Chuck Cotterman:

Prices are going up, and they're not coming down. Get used to it, says the Pope. This is K I G A R Radio, and once again, we apologize for what our transmitter is doing to all of the dogs.

Eric Pedersen:

The improvised Golden Age of Radio is a fully improvised comedy presented live to a studio audience, staged and performed in the classic style of an old-time radio show. This episode was recorded live at the improv shop in St. Louis, Missouri, as part of the Flyover Comedy Festival on November 15th, 2025.

Chuck Cotterman:

And tonight we will be performing a live improvised radio show for you tonight. Before I get started, let's bring out our cast Philip Amler, Joe Hartenstein, Jordan Reichart, and Ashley Whitehurst. We also have Caitlin Schneider back here on the Foley table. And bringing you the sounds of the future back into the past. We have Ed Zack and Victoria de Dios in the booth. Round of applause for those in the back as well. Now, folks, if you are not familiar with old time radio, old time radio refers to the narrative radio that happened in the 30s, 40s, and 50s. Uh ended around the uh early 1960s. So we will be bringing that to you with a bit of a modern flair tonight. And I will be your announcer. And uh as the play goes on, I'll be over here at the table writing some message that I'm psychic psychally psychically receiving from our sponsors. Uh before that, I just want to go ahead and meet some of our audience here. So tonight I'm going to squint down there. We don't have a wireless microphone because that was not available in 1940. And I'm gonna say hello and maybe ask you a couple questions. Uh let's go with the nearest here. Hello, I can see your faces, and that's really helpful for me. Um your name, please. Katie, thank you for that projection. Well done. Uh I just have one question for you. Can you tell me one of your grandparents' professions? Pianist? Oh, that was fantastic. Uh music teacher or just a concert pianist? Concert pianist. Uh here in St. Louis or elsewhere? Uh where where from?

unknown:

Dallas.

Chuck Cotterman:

Dallas. Alright. Uh and I'm sorry, your name again? Craig? Uh Craig, can you tell me? I have my handy-dandy list. Your first car.

Eric Pedersen:

It was a motorcycle.

Chuck Cotterman:

A motorcycle? Okay, what kind of motorcycle did you have?

unknown:

A Yamaha Morago 535.

Chuck Cotterman:

Uh, this is an intense motorcycle. Round of applause for the Yamaha, everybody. Now, Katie and Craig. Round of applause for Katie and Craig. Let's move right here. Uh, your name, please. Anna. Anna. Uh, can you name a meal your relative made you any relative that you just can't forget? Lasagna. Lasagna. A nice piping hot lasagna. Was this lasagna enough for four, six, eight, or thirty people? 30. Yeah, that's generally that's the tradition. Uh, thank you very much. Anna, round of applause for Anna. And now, by show of hands, let's see if I can see. Uh, could anyone raise their hand if they think they are from the furthest away to visit the Flyover Comedy Festival? Furthest away? Where are you from? Hot Springs, Arkansas. Both of you? Where are you from? Dallas. You said Dallas. I've I feel like the two of you could battle on a map and find out which is exactly far away, but that's pretty good. Alright, anybody further than that? Back in the back? I'm sorry?

Speaker 7:

Port Charlotte Florida.

Chuck Cotterman:

Port Charlotte, Florida. Alright. Anybody feel like they're a little further away than Florida? Round of applause for Port Charlotte, Florida, then. Alright, and anyone from from here in St. Louis, can you raise your hand? I figured that would be the answer. Uh sir, right here. And may I ask you, your name?

unknown:

Seth.

Chuck Cotterman:

Seth? Can you tell me just a quick piece of local St. Louis lore, maybe an urban legend? Oh, I put him on the spot, folks. The arch controls the weather. The arch controls the weather. Absolutely fantastic. Well, folks, thank you very much. Whether you like it or not, those answers are going to be a part of the show tonight. Because Old Time Radio took months of preparation, lots of writing, lots of scene creation, and also meticulous planning along with plenty of rehearsals. We have done none of that. So we're going to bring you the sights, the sounds of Old Time Radio. And please put your hands together with a round of applause for your players. And we have just one piece of information that we still need, and I'm going to turn to them. Folks, do we have a name for tonight's teleplay? Radio play. Oh, please go up. The Weathered Piano. The Weathered Piano. Everyone, a round of applause for tonight's episode: The Weathered Piano.

Joe:

Anna Lasagna sat at her piano, plinking out a few notes, gently, remembering a better time. She knew that she needed to tune this old piano to get it in any good condition to sell. But she wasn't ready to part with it just yet. The piano had been her mother's. And she had an attachment to it.

Jordan:

I'm sorry, sir, I know you're here for this, but it is not for sale.

Philip:

Well, that's the piano I came to buy. What do you mean it's not for sale? Are you trying to hookmick me here? What's the deal?

Jordan:

I changed my mind on your on your way.

Philip:

Well, you can't change your mind once I'm on my way. Don't you know the rules of barbering?

Ashley:

This man's name was Henry Frederickson, and he was sweating like a horse.

Philip:

I ran here like the Dickens to buy this piano, and I've got no plan to get it home with me.

Jordan:

You don't know what this piano means to me. It used to be my mother's. Oh, great for you! A piano that belonged to your mom.

Ashley:

I've got things that belong to my mom. Henry Frederickson has years of trauma with his mother. He won't get into that now.

Philip:

I'm not gonna get into it right now, but there's a spoon I have of hers that's very memorable to me. He pulls it out of his pocket.

Ashley:

He pulls it out of his pocket.

Philip:

I'm carrying it with me here now. Not to show it to you, but just to remind myself to be a good boy, Henry. Be a good boy, Henry. Be a good boy.

Jordan:

Henry, it sounds like you've got a bit of trauma, yeah.

Philip:

Look, I just want to buy a piano, okay? I'm not here for one of those newfangled analysts.

Jordan:

Well, that's what I am. I lured you're here under false pretenses.

Philip:

Well, I'll be a monkey's mother.

Ashley:

Anna pulls out a notebook. A brand new notebook. She just got it down at the dollar store. Seems like all your phrases end in the word mother.

Philip:

Well, that's just the mother of a different color.

Ashley:

She writes down the word mother in big block letters. She has beautiful handwriting. How does this make you feel?

Philip:

Oh, well, I feel sweaty. Sweaty. I guess is one way I feel, if that's an emotion. We've got a lot of work to do. I uh I remember a tire swing in the yard. I'd go out there after lunch and I'd say, Swing me, mommy, swing me. She'd be inside with some man I'd never met before.

Ashley:

That man was his father.

Philip:

Some some man, some mysterious man. I remember the a manly shape standing in the doorway. And I'm running, I'm running from the tire swing trying to get to him to chase him. And then I'm falling, I'm falling deep down into a dark well.

Jordan:

Is that normal? Normal is one word for it, but I says, as I said, we've got a lot of work to do. Um let me ask you one more thing. Your father, this mysterious man.

Philip:

Well, all I said was mysterious man. You're making a lot of assumptions now.

Jordan:

I could tell by the look in your eyes. You started crying when you mentioned him. Golly Geepers, was that man my father?

Ashley:

Meanwhile, across town at a bar, a dark, dark bar, a man sits alone drinking his whiskey sour.

Philip:

His name was Frank McGill.

Joe:

Bartender. Bartender.

Ashley:

Yes, I have a name. I'd like you to use it.

Joe:

Okay.

Ashley:

Just once, at least. Just once I want to be called by my name instead of by my job title.

Joe:

Tess.

Ashley:

Thank you, sir.

Joe:

I think this whiskey's gone sour. It was a whiskey sour.

Ashley:

No, I'm trying something new. A cocktail type thing.

Joe:

A cocktail, you say? Oh well, that's the bunk. Don't try it out on me. I'm a traditional man, you see.

unknown:

Oh.

Philip:

This was supposed to be a dry county ever since the war. But now booze was starting to sneak its way back into this little berg.

Ashley:

You seem sad or angry. I can't quite tell the difference here.

Joe:

Oh well. Yeah. That's uh typical man for you. You don't have to tell me.

Philip:

Frank McGill didn't share his emotions willy-nilly. And he also wore his jacket inside out just to keep people guessing. That's right.

Joe:

You know, uh I don't need your guff uh Tess. Hey, I'll get out of here on my motorcycle.

Ashley:

I don't think you should leave in the state you're in.

Joe:

Ah. What do you mean? Running away from my problems? Yes, I will. Because I'm a man, you see.

Ashley:

You're three sheets to the wind. I don't want you to die. Just talk about your feelings. Isn't that easier?

Joe:

Well, well, I'm not gonna die. Uh, you know, nothing's gonna happen to me.

Philip:

Frank McGill had a dangerous look in his eye. The look of a man who had been from town to town, strifting along like a long shadow, creeping along the countryside from bar to bar.

Ashley:

Sir, your eyes are bugging out of your head. Are you okay?

Joe:

Yes, I am all right. Another whiskey. Extra sour.

Ashley:

Just give me one feeling.

Joe:

I can't. I can't do it, you see.

Ashley:

There's something on your mind. There's something on all of our minds.

Joe:

I wish. I wish I could hear beautiful music again. But I can't, you see. Not because of this uh town, this old town. There's no music left in the town.

Ashley:

All the music stores closed up.

Joe:

Yet, literally, there's no music left in the town. Yes, exactly. You have to go over. It's not a metaphor. I'm not a subtle man.

Ashley & Jordan:

Easy with the fist.

Joe:

Alright. You're right.

Ashley & Jordan:

Put it down. Alright, okay. Not in my bar.

Joe:

Put this one away in my jacket.

Ashley & Jordan:

Yeah.

Philip:

Listen, if you corner was an old dusty jukebox. It hadn't been played in years.

Ashley:

Here's a quarter. Why don't you wander over to that jukebox and see what awaits you?

Joe:

Well, maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Philip:

Meanwhile, crosstown again. There were three edges of this town. With people living in all of them.

Jordan:

I just live here. I'm new here.

Joe:

Yeah, we're new here. It looks like a nice neighborhood. Yeah.

Jordan:

It seems quiet here, no quieter than where I used to live. It seems like nothing can go wrong. Wait, are all three of us new here? We're all new.

Ashley:

We all did you all just show up yesterday exactly at 12 p.m.?

Jordan:

Yeah, I don't even rem remember how I got here, if I'm being honest. Neither do I. I just showed up.

Philip:

They were standing under a large, mysterious arch.

Ashley:

This is strange.

Philip:

Wow.

Ashley:

I was perfectly packed, though. My suitcase had everything I needed. I don't remember packing it. I have things for every kind of weather event.

Joe:

I just got what's in my pockets. Oh no. But there's deep pockets. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Philip:

Just then a tornado blew by. Just a little one. Not too dangerous.

Jordan:

Whoa! I don't know what you wear in a tornado, but I'm sure I have something. Open it up. See what's in there. Okay.

Ashley:

So no go on.

Jordan:

No, you. No.

Philip:

They kept insisting the other go first.

Jordan:

No, you, really, I mean it. Come on, say it. It's your floor. Do you agree? How do you feel? I'm staying out of this one. Men are always so simple in this town, never know how to say what they're feeling.

Ashley:

I know back where I'm from, men just don't stop talking about their feelings.

Philip:

Then just then a rainstorm blew in right over their heads.

Ashley & Joe:

Oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh. Oh wow. Gee. My shirt's soaking wet. I should take it off. I'll take it off. I'm taking it off. It off. I feel better.

Jordan:

We just arrived to this town and already you're making a reputation.

Ashley:

Well, what kind of reputation is that? Listen, I don't want to be the type of women pitted against each other in the story. Me neither. Take your shirt off, too.

Philip:

Look, lady, you're gonna stay in this jail cell all night. I found you topless out near that mysterious arch. And so what? Is that a crime? It is a crime, actually. I'm the policeman in this town. Nice to meet you. Oh my name's Dave.

Ashley:

Nice to meet you, Dave, in your tight pants. You did you ever ask, can I get a new uniform because I look like a dork?

Philip:

Well, you've got some mouth on you, lady. You show up to our town, new and nude as the day you were born, and then you go insulting the lawman?

Ashley:

I'm not afraid of you. I showed up in a mysterious town and I have no idea what got me here. There's nothing scarier. You don't scare me.

Philip:

I think I need to call in one of those experts on this one. I'll go do that.

Chuck Cotterman:

Everyone, put your hands together for act one of the Weather Piano. Are Dave's pants too tight? Will they ever get back to the piano? You'll find out in Act Two, but first, a word from our sponsor. It's been a long day. The heat's been beating down on your wool clothing, and your wool hat is barely hanging onto your soaked and exhausted head. You need refreshment, and there's no better refreshment than a thick, sweet, room temperature wine. That's right, nothing quenches the heat in your soul like a port Florida port. That smooth, sticky drink that stays in your mouth until you need a drink of water to forget it. But you won't forget it. Port Florida port is the only drink that leaves a lasting positive mark on your liver. Doctors call it the PFP guarantee that your internal organs are having a great time. Port Florida port, the best thing you'll drink from an unreasonably tall and skinny bottle. And now, act two of The Weathered Piano.

Jordan:

I just got a feeling you needed to talk about something.

Philip:

She rarely faced the person she was talking to. While she analyzed them, she helped it. She found that it helped her focus on the words.

Jordan:

Alright, you're arrested. That must feel bad. Yeah, I feel trapped. I want to get out. Okay. I've reached the end of my expertise. We can talk, but I can't really do. Let's talk. Okay.

Ashley:

Woman to woman. Woman to woman. I showed up in this town, and I don't know how I got here. Unbelievable. No recollection at all. At all. I'm not crazy. Don't say I'm crazy. Don't commit me.

Jordan:

I wasn't going to. Between you and me, I only say that about the men in this town. Hey, can we high-five through these bars? We can certainly try. Let's do it.

unknown:

Hey!

Philip:

Did I hear a high-five going on here? One of those newfangled greetings I've heard about.

Ashley:

It isn't Mr. Dork Dave.

Philip:

You stop calling me that. You have to make her stop calling me that.

Jordan:

I can't do. I just listen.

Philip:

I thought you were an expert.

Ashley:

Oh You know, exc excuse me, would you would you be would you be interested in maybe trying your your expertise on Mr. Dorky Dave over there?

Jordan:

Dorky Dave, is that your professional name?

Philip:

Well now, wait a minute. I'm not the one under interrogation here. She is. She's the one that showed up nude as a bucket under the big arch.

Jordan:

Seems like a deflection technique, Dorky Dave.

Philip:

You're not even the first person to call me Dorky Dave. That's the thing. How does everyone happen upon that nickname, independent of one another?

Jordan:

Dave, it sounds like you've been arresting a whole lot of people recently. That's my job! Not this many people.

Philip:

Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe I look for crimes where there really aren't any sometimes. Oh. Just so I'm not alone.

Ashley:

May I? Give it a try. Sounds like there's something underneath that. We should unpack it.

Philip:

Are you trying to get me to take my clothes off? Is that what you're saying?

Ashley:

Give it a try, Dorky Dave.

Philip:

Alright, I'll just rip them off.

Jordan:

Bell crow everywhere. So many snaps and buttons.

Philip:

Oh, I feel so so vulnerable.

Jordan:

Is it illegal to feel so vulnerable, Dorky Dave?

Philip:

If you're literally naked while doing it, yes, but maybe I could overlook that. Maybe. What is what is this feeling that I'm feeling?

Jordan:

So sudden and new. So sudden and new. I hear I hear a rainstorm coming outside.

Philip:

I don't hear a rainstorm. I hear an old hobo can. Darky Dave, I hold on, I gotta go arrest some hobos. I'll be right back. Darky Dave! Are you Darky Dave?

Joe:

Alright, seven, seven whiskey sours. That should kill any feelings I still had in there. Get out of there. Let's just get this motorcycle started up.

Ashley:

Bring McGill is trying to start his motorcycle, but he doesn't have the keys. He lost them in the alley.

Joe:

Okay, uh, wait. Wait a second. I'm a man. A man with a paperclip. I don't need keys. That problem solver.

Philip:

That shadowy figure in the alley. It looks so familiar to me somehow.

unknown:

Come on.

Joe:

Come back to me.

Ashley:

Yes. Henry Henry Frederickson runs after the shadowy character. Good thing the shadowy character's only going one mile an hour. I'm flying, baby! The motorcycle sputters to a stop. Shadowy character falls onto the ground.

Joe:

Go out of gas again.

Philip:

Say, say, mister, I don't mean to uh bother you there.

Joe:

Hey, what are you what are you doing? Get your hands off of me. Okay, I was helping you up.

Ashley & Jordan:

His hands were all over him. All over him.

Ashley:

Just everywhere. Every joking crazy. And under his armbits, under his legs, around his neck. He couldn't take that.

Philip:

I uh I don't suppose you used to stand in doorways a lot about 25 years ago.

Joe:

My doorway standing days are over. Don't even worry about it. What about you? You want to learn how to stand in doorways? Is that it?

Philip:

Well, I wanted to buy a piano, but now I'm on something of a spiritual journey. Oh yeah, that does happen.

Ashley:

Henry Frederickson pulls out that notebook and all it says is mother on it.

Joe:

He even just looking at the word. Wait, wait. Did you say uh did you say piano?

Philip:

Yes! Yes, I was gonna buy one from the woman down the block. I think her last name is Lysandia. It's an ethnic name.

Joe:

Do you play the piano?

Ashley:

Uh not yet, I wanna learn! Frank McGill is still on the ground.

Philip:

Can I help you up? Hands everywhere. They're everywhere.

Ashley:

Both of them have hands on each other now.

Joe:

Oh, that's thirsty work.

Speaker 7:

Let's go in and get a drink. So much sweat. Sure. Let's let's get a drink, old timer. Alright.

Joe:

I like the cut of your gib. I'll let you buy me one.

Ashley:

Both of them walk, but they have the same exact gait. It's uncanny. They keep It's a jolly gait. The knees, the knees lift a little too high with this gait, but they they get to their destination just fine. Flat feet, sore knees, and a sore back later.

Joe:

Six whiskey sour screens. Why whiskey sour? Why that's my drink! Oh, seven whiskey source.

Ashley:

Oh, now you like it. So you have to you have to say my name first. You come into my bar and tell me my name.

Joe:

Seven whiskey sours. Yes.

Ashley:

Frank McGill. As I live and breathe. And who is sitting next to you?

Joe:

Do you mind if I sit next to you at the bar? I didn't want to impose. No, that's that's fine. That's the spot that I would have taken if I hadn't taken this one.

Ashley:

They play musical chairs for the next three minutes.

Joe:

Okay, you can be uh yeah. Oh put put your arm, put your arm over my arm, and then everywhere.

Ashley:

Your hands are everywhere.

Joe:

We're back in the exact same positions that we were in before. Okay.

Ashley:

Sir, I haven't seen you here before.

Speaker 7:

Uh well, I don't I don't drink normally. This is my my new friend.

Joe:

Yes, male friendships in adulthood exist.

Ashley:

Strange, I the things you'll do to not talk about your feelings. You went out and made a friend.

Philip:

Let's talk about that motorcycle it said. How fast can you get on that thing?

Joe:

Yeah, okay, yeah. Well, it's a Yamaha. Okay, that sounds foreign. Foreign it is! Oh you got a good eye. Uh I should have asked you your name.

Speaker 7:

My name? Your name. Well, it's Henry. Henry. I don't know the rest. Okay, well, put her there, Henry.

Joe:

Frank McGill.

Ashley:

Across town, Anna Lasagna is settling down to eat dinner and read her favorite book, The Catcher in the Rye.

Jordan:

Bit of light reading. I like being alone in my own house. It's where I can really be free. When suddenly a knock at the door. Now who could that be coming into my home at this hour?

Ashley:

She sets the book down. It's it's the juicy part, so she's upset about leaving the book. Make it quick, whoever you are.

Philip:

It's me, Officer Dave.

Jordan:

Officer Dave! Oh, you're back.

Philip:

Well, I I wandered around town naked all night. There was there was no one to arrest me, because you know.

Jordan:

You're arresting, I'll tell you that much.

Ashley:

Suddenly the light seemed perfectly dim.

Philip:

Oh, did those clouds just roll in all of a sudden? Boy, listen to those clouds roll in. Yeah, that's clouds, all right.

unknown:

Pretty good.

Jordan:

I was just sitting here with my piano and my books, my dimly lit room. I was about to draw a bath. The things that women get up to when they're all alone on a cold night like this.

Philip:

Anna Lasagna, do you mind if I come closer to you?

Jordan:

Um, sure, there's room on the couch for two. Don't sit on my book.

Philip:

Okay.

Jordan:

He sits on the book. God damn it! Oh, okay. That's You're such a dork, I can tell already. Strike number one. My bad. Okay. Well, we'll see what the other two strikes are as the night continues, so.

Philip:

And I uh well, I was just so gosh darn impressed with all your expertise and knowing how to talk about feelings and such, and I guess it opened up a floodgate, if you will. Okay.

Jordan:

Well tell me more.

Philip:

Tell me more. Did you Oh my god, is that a literal flood happening down the street?

Jordan:

Yes.

Ashley:

There is a flood coming.

Jordan:

It's coming back.

Philip:

What the hell is going on with the weather lately?

Jordan:

I'm right in a flood zone.

Eric Pedersen:

Oh, Anna.

Ashley & Joe:

It's true. She got the property at the discounted price. It was so cheap, this house.

Philip:

And I I didn't come here to talk to you about the price of your home, although it does sound very manageable.

Jordan:

Let's talk about it more.

Philip:

Well, that's not what I came to talk to you about.

Jordan:

I have a 401k. It's amazing for a woman at this time. I I don't even know what that is. Okay.

Ashley & Jordan:

The flood siren goes off again.

Philip:

It sounds like a boat siren. Oh my god, this is the flood's headed right for the house. It can carry us away.

Ashley & Jordan:

They have to get to safety, they have to get to the cellar, to the bunker. To the cellar. I have a bedroom. Oh, Dave! Dave! Dave takes Anna, throws her over his shoulder. Mama! Dave!

Jordan:

Dave, where are you taking me, Dave? Up the stairs! I assume that's where your bedroom is! It is, but there's so many other things up there that I'd rather you not see!

Philip:

Oh, like what? Certainly not a dusty old piano!

Jordan:

No, I only have one of those. You've already seen it.

Chuck Cotterman:

Act two of the weathered piano, everyone, put your hands together. Will Dave see the piano? Is he really that big of a door? Oh, that's. That's right. Port Florida port. The vineyards of France, second rate. The grapes of Napa Valley, garbage. The world's finest wine is the kind that coats the glass so much that you want to ask for a few dollars back from the bartender. But good luck! He'll see you coming. Because Port Florida port is the best-selling port in over two states. And every bartender south of Atlanta knows that every drop is a treat for your bloodstream. That's right, folks. Blood may be thicker than water, but Port Florida port is much, much thicker than that. So thick that doctors recommend drinking at least two glasses a day in order to reinforce the heart. With so much grape in the body, there's simply no way to be ill, unhappy, or convicted of any crimes. Port Florida Port, the finest vines in the nation, for this wonderful wine is the perfect sign that you're having the best time, even when you're committing crime. And now, Act Three and the thrilling conclusion of The Weathered Piano.

Philip:

Up inside that large, mysterious arch. A woman sitting at a giant pipe organ. How did they put a giant pipe organ up in the arch? Well, wouldn't you like to know?

Ashley:

C chord, D chord.

Philip:

She talked and laughed as she played.

Ashley:

F minor.

Philip:

When then C major a mysterious silhouette appeared in Well, arches don't have doorways, but if you can kind of imagine an opening, you'd walk into the middle of the arch.

Ashley:

Keep playing. Circle, keep playing. The treble cleft. Hmm. Flats and sharps.

Joe:

I followed the sound.

Ashley:

Four, four time signature.

Joe:

Henry, come up here. I'll waltz, if you will. Listen, listen to that sound.

Philip:

It's the sound I haven't I haven't heard in so long, but it's mysteriously familiar.

Jordan:

Henry realized it was a song he had heard in early childhood.

Philip:

I heard that song in early childhood.

Joe:

It reminds me of a song that my mother played for me. And my mother played for me. Oh, mysterious phantom. Do you take requests?

Ashley:

I do. Lay it on me, mysterious strangers. Sweaty, flat-footed, sore new knees, strangers.

Philip:

Yes, I'm so sweaty. I might lose a couple layers while I'm up in here.

Ashley:

Take it off.

Jordan:

Will you play the giddy gumdrops of Giggle Island? She knew the song well.

Ashley:

Just one second. Let me get my sheet music out. Oh, it's in here somewhere. And let me keep rifling through it.

Jordan:

With each flapping of the page, a new weather pattern emerged.

Philip:

Oh, it is getting hot up here. It's a heat wave. Hear it! Hear that heat wave coming. Yeah, that's a heat wave.

Ashley:

I think I might have found it. Sounds like it.

Philip:

Have I found it?

Ashley:

Ah, dog, it's somewhere. I'm gonna take off a layer as well.

Joe:

Oh.

Ashley:

Here we go. Okay. Settle in.

Joe:

Okay. I probably won't have any r emotional reaction.

Jordan:

Here come the notes. Here they come. Okay. Oh. With each note, the two men started to feel a welling up of something. Uh-oh. They weren't sure how to identify it. Uh-oh!

Philip:

It's like I'm back on that tire swing all over again.

Ashley:

I happen to have a feelings wheel up here. You can give it a spin if you want. Spin?

Joe:

Sure. I'm a gambling man. Let's see where this comes out. Spin that wheel! There it goes. Comes around.

Ashley:

What's the feeling, stranger? Tell me.

Jordan:

Oh, the feeling is sadness. That was a basic one, but it would do for now. Deep sadness.

Joe:

And I'm feeling it. I remember those kiddy gum drops. Frank!

Philip:

Frank, I've got something to tell you, Frank. Yes, new friend Henry. I'm not just your friend, Frank. I love you, Papa.

Jordan:

Across town, Dave and Anna Lasagna were in their bedroom. It's a bedroom we both share now. It's ours.

Philip:

Well, I suppose.

Ashley:

To be clear, they've done absolutely nothing but sit on the bed.

Philip:

Well, I.

Ashley:

You're sitting on my books.

Philip:

Oh, oh, sorry. Strike two. Okay. I uh well, it seems like the floods died down a little. Maybe I should uh be be on my way.

Jordan:

The door is locked. You can't go. You can't. What, the dickens? You can't. We're we're just beginning something really wonderful, you and me.

Joe:

The door was locked from the inside.

Jordan:

Oh, I can unlock it. Oh, damn it!

Philip:

Oh, good. Alright, well, Anna, this has been this has been lovely. And uh, you know, I feel like I opened up and got naked in front of you, and those are all good steps.

Jordan:

So we have something to build on. I don't just do this with anyone. Bring them into my room and watch them get naked and do nothing after. This is true. But I thought you were an expert. I'm an expert at some things and a total novice at others.

Joe:

But the screen door was locked, and as he turned. Oh golly. He saw that he was trapped.

Philip:

I'm trapped, Anna Lasagna. Trapped by your beauty and trapped by your screen door on your bedroom.

Jordan:

Which one's more relevant to your heart?

Philip:

You.

Jordan:

Okay.

Philip:

You and your meaty lasagna.

Jordan:

My meaty lasagna. Listen, I was about to eat a big slice of that lasagna in the bathtub.

Philip:

Okay, now I'm a little confused. Are we talking about an actual lasagna? I'm a novice at so many things.

Ashley:

Suddenly Dave remembered that he still had to solve the the weird happenstance of three human beings who showed up.

Philip:

Oh my god, I got I got so distracted by love and getting naked everywhere. I I forgot to do my job as a man of the law.

Ashley:

But he still had time for the bathroom, lasagna. Come on!

Jordan:

Yeah, I got time.

Philip:

Good! Alright, let's just uh open the bathroom door. It was easy. And now the hard parts.

Jordan:

Are you a corner slice or a center slice kind of guy? Whoa.

Philip:

This metaphor is getting real tricky.

Jordan:

Okay, uh well I'll just um serve you up a sli- I'm actually made a lasagna. I really did.

Philip:

Wow! Wow, that looks good actually. Yeah. And I skipped lunch because I was running around town naked.

Jordan:

Oh wow. Busy day.

Joe:

And there it was. The perfect lasagna. Meaty, cheesy, a little bit of crust.

Jordan:

In many ways, you're kind of like a perfect lasagna, too. Meaty, cheesy, little crusty.

Philip:

Sorry. Sorry about the crusty bit. I didn't know this was gonna be happening today. We didn't know it was happening. I would have prepared a little differently.

Jordan:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Philip:

Well, should we shall we?

Jordan:

You hop in the bath. Okay. Wee! Oh, he's so whimsical, this dork of a man.

Ashley:

Oh, and they ate. They ate and they ate. There was squelching. There was sounds of joy and pleasure. There was chewing. But like polite chewing, not the annoying kind.

Joe:

It was intimate, but it was tasteful. It was flavorful and it was memorable.

Jordan:

Hey. Look, the the sun's coming out.

Joe:

Wow. Oh my god. Yeah, listen to that sun come out. The sun came up fast.

Ashley:

Suddenly Dorky Day remembered he still had a case to solve.

Philip:

Oh my god, we've spent all night in your bathtub eating lasagna, and I haven't arrested a single person in 12 hours. Oh, that's probably good. Well, I kind of thought we were gonna have sex at some point, but this was so much more intimate.

Jordan:

It really was.

Philip:

It really was, Anna. I uh I guess I'll see you around.

Ashley:

He snapped and put his fingers in the form of a gun.

Philip:

I'm bad at this.

Ashley:

He's not good at flirting. He tries a couple other things with his hands.

Philip:

Can you unlock the screen door for me? Underneath the mysterious arch. A stranger. A new stranger. Another soul sucked in by its mysterious pole. What was this person searching for? What did they want? What did they feel?

Joe:

I wonder where I can get a good piece of lasagna in this town. He wondered. He wondered. I wonder. I guess I'll go find out.

Chuck Cotterman:

Everyone, thank you. That is the improvised golden age of radio, the weathered piano. Everyone, Port Florida Port's dedicated vineyard managers are legally obligated to apologize and encourage you to enjoy Port Florida Port responsibly. Remember to drink no more than six to eight glasses in one sitting. And most of all, don't commit any crimes. Everybody, this was Philip Amler, Joe Hartenstein, Ashley Whitehurst, and Jordan Reichart. We also have Caitlin Schneider, Ed Zach, and Victoria De Dios. And I'm your host, Chuck Cotterman. Please find us at Improvised Radio Show on Instagram and improvisedradio.com. And you may have some coins on the table with our logo and QR code. Feel free to take them home or give them to an enemy if you absolutely hated this experience. If you visit the QR code, you will find a couple of shows from the past as well as one on video from Second City. Please enjoy it when you get around to it. And thank you, everyone, at the Flyover Comedy Festival. Give them a round of applause. And everyone, have a wonderful night. Thank you very much.

Eric Pedersen:

Co-creator Chuck Cotterman was the host, Caitlin Schneider on Foley, with Ed Zach and Vicky de Dios running tech. I'm Eric Peterson, co-creator of the show. Thanks for listening, and if you're interested in seeing the show live, check us out at improvised radio.com for Showtimes. And if you enjoy the podcast, please like and subscribe anywhere you find podcasts. Thanks again.