The Kentucky Cruise Conundrum

Two Kentucky potato farmers take a chance in the big city and land themselves on a cruise! Ne're do wells and cross class romance, this is an IGAR to remember, or at least, listen to!

Philip Amler - Uncle Davy Goliath, The Card Dealer, Mr.Gorgonsen 

Shelby Burton - Captains Wife, Martha the Oily Sister, The Pit Boss,

Joe Hartenstine - Captain and others

Eric Pedersen - Damn Fool Nephew James the 3rd; First Officer 

Ashley Whitehurst - Constantine oil sister, a ne’er do well

Ben Vigeant - Mr. B , Ne’er Dowells

Theme Music: Mark Rose www.downwrite.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Cold Open & Live Show Setup
• 1:16 Audience Banter & City Shout‑Outs
• 4:49 Premise: An Improvised Golden‑Age Cruise
• 5:56 Kentucky Drifters Arrive In California
• 8:43 Boarding Chaos & The Melancholy Captain
• 12:00 First‑Class Dames And Oily Glamour
• 15:23 Gambling Deck Antics & Pit Boss
• 19:36 Sponsor Gag: Kentucky Blue
• 20:34 Stowaways Mingle On The Lido Deck
• 23:36 Rico Benny’s Courtship Over Cheese
• 26:08 Shady Deal: Cash Plugged In Hull
• 28:30 Captain’s Trances And Dowry Fears
• 31:00 Rising Water And Denial Below Deck
• 32:26 Confessions At Dinner
• 36:13 Sponsor Gag Returns
• 37:07 Discovery Of Flooding And Bodies
• 40:00 The Heist Triggers The Sinking
• 42:00 Scramble For Lifeboats & Partings
• 45:30 Captain’s End & Lovers’ Escape
• 47:40 Aftermath, Roll Call, And CTA

Transcript

Cold Open & Live Show Setup

Chuck Cotterman 0:00

Nine out of ten doctors noted that they weren't bothered by the results and would continue to recommend therapeutic smoking. You're listening to KIGAR Radio, Communist Free since 1923.

SPEAKER_07 0:25

The Improvised Golden Age of Radio is a fully improvised comedy presented live to the studio audience, staged and performed in the classic style of an all-time radio show. This episode is recorded live in Chicago, Illinois, on Second City's Tunny Skybox stage on July 3, 2025.

Chuck Cotterman 1:16

I will be your announcer this evening. Let's get our cast out here before we begin. Philip Amler, Shelby Burton, Joe Harkenstein, Eric Peterson, Ashley Whitehurst, and Ben the Pipes Vegent. Give them a round of applause, everybody. We also have Caitlin Schneider coming out on the Foley table. And down there with the electronics is Ed Zach. Everybody, a round of applause, bringing the sounds of the past into the future. My name again, Chuck Cotterman. We will be getting started in just a few minutes, but first I'd like to come down and meet everybody tonight. A big audience tonight. Big audience. Give yourselves a round of applause, first of all. Thank you very much. And uh we do have just a couple minutes, so I'm going to say hello. And folks, I've walked straight to you in the back. And can I ask your names, please?

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Jonathan and Eve.

Chuck Cotterman 2:00

Jonathan and Eve. Did I get it right there? Excellent. Welcome to the show. And are you from Chicago?

SPEAKER_01 2:08

No, we're from Louisville.

Chuck Cotterman 2:09

Louisville, Louisville, Kentucky. Excellent. My father used to make the joke. How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louisville or Louisville?

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Well, we just call it Louisville.

Chuck Cotterman 2:21

The capital of Kentucky is Frankfurt. Oh, he caught me a thousand times, and I have caught someone from Louisville. Everyone, please give me a round of applause. Thank you. And now what are you finding is the most exciting thing about Chicago so far?

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Um, well, Cubs game.

Chuck Cotterman 2:40

Cubs game. All right, round of applause for the Cubbies. And I see by your hat that you will be rooting for the Cubs.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Oh, yeah, Jersey and everything else.

Chuck Cotterman 2:51

All right, excellent. A worldly fan of all baseball. Well, thank you very much. And your names once again for the mic.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Jonathan Eve.

Chuck Cotterman 3:00

Jonathan and Eve. Thank you very much, Jonathan Eve. All right. And now to the back, we uh we remain in the back. Uh your names, please.

SPEAKER_04 3:08

Uh Carl and Shell from Chicago.

Chuck Cotterman 3:10

Carl and Shell. Welcome. And now, since you're from Chicago, I'd like to ask you to talk to all of the folks in the audience that aren't from Chicago and give them one place that they should go this evening after the show. Um any anywhere at all. You can you can say the bean.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

I'm not sure if they'll be able to get in, but can't go wrong with some uh Rico Bennies.

Chuck Cotterman 3:36

Rico Benny's round of applause for Rico Bennies. Look, we've got pointers in the audience saying Rico Bennies, I believe. Agreeing. All right, and let's go to one more before we turn over the broadcast. Uh Madam, your name, please. Lynn.

unknown 3:49

Lynn.

Chuck Cotterman 3:50

Lynn, thank you for joining us this evening. And Lynn, are you from Chicago? Originally. Originally from Chicago. And where are you visiting from?

SPEAKER_11 3:57

I'm visiting from Orange County, California.

Chuck Cotterman 4:00

A long way. Everybody, round of applause for Orange County, California. And uh being from Orange County, what is your favorite color?

SPEAKER_12 4:08

Um blue.

Chuck Cotterman 4:09

Blue, all right. Unexpected answer, everybody. Yeah, I mean, I expected orange, but I will take blue. Uh and can I ask, what's the what's the best part about Orange County versus Chicago? Uh oh.

SPEAKER_11 4:26

Not the politics.

Premise: An Improvised Golden‑Age Cruise

Chuck Cotterman 4:28

Not the politics, everybody. I think that's a really good answer, honestly. I would have said the temperature in the winter, but I will take not the politics as well. Uh Lynn, thank you very much. And everyone, we're about to get the broadcast uh changed over from New York, so I'll just go ahead and get right back up on stage and tell you what this show is all about. Before man's attention was captured by cellular telephones, computer machines, and of course, the humble television, the airwaves were ruled by the king of communication, the radio. Night after night until 10 p.m., parents and children alike gathered round the warm tubes of the family receiver to be regaled with the most exciting news, gossip, and stories of the day. These productions were put on by crews working countless hours for writing meticulous scripts and planning complex scenes to rehearsing until each moment was perfect. We've done none of that. Tonight the thrills, the chills, the cheers, the tears, and of course the sounds are being created and performed without any preparation for you, the studio audience. The broadcast is live, folks, but it's also being recorded for everyone out there in Radio Land, so laugh loud and laugh long. And if the mics pick you up, you might just be a part of radio history. The studio is turning over the broadcast from New York. A big round of applause for your players, the improvised golden age radio players.

Kentucky Drifters Arrive In California

SPEAKER_14 5:56

The warm summer sun was beating down on the streets, and the palm trees were beautiful in the sunlight. And walking into town were two people who had never been there before.

SPEAKER_07 6:16

You hear that wind, Jimmy? Yeah, I hear it, Uncle Lady. That's the famous Santa Ana winds. They're blowing us into town. Doesn't feel that way, feels like we've been walking a long time on our own power. Well, that's because the car broke down. Yeah.

SPEAKER_14 6:40

Yes, these two had driven all the way from Kentucky just to see what was it like in California.

SPEAKER_07 6:49

Well, here it is, Uncle Davy.

SPEAKER_06 6:52

Honestly, it don't look like much. I thought it'd be something beautiful.

SPEAKER_09 6:57

Oh, you don't think this is beautiful? Look at those palm trees.

SPEAKER_07 7:00

Look at those hills! Look at that cool blue water that stretches out forever. Yeah, that's impressive. But I always thought the water would be orange. You what? I said I thought the ocean would be orange. Why would you think a damn fool thing like that? Well, we got blue water back home in Kentucky. Why'd we come out here if it's the same old thing? Boy, that's why I brought you on this trip. To teach you something about the world. To show you how to make a dollar in this country. Why? We're gonna turn this town upside down and shake every last cent out of it. They're not gonna know what hit them. Oh I think there's a bellhop nearby. What? A hotel? Take up bags, sir. Oh, Uncle David, what's going on here?

SPEAKER_05 7:51

The ship leaves in five minutes on ashore.

SPEAKER_07 7:56

That's it, Jimmy. We locked into this one. We're on a genuine cruise ship. You're gonna give me your bags, sir. Uh, uh, uh, we we don't have any bags. So I just came out of here for nothing, sirs. Well, no, you see, uh, we lost our tickets. That's right. That is what happened. We were accosted back there when our car was broke down.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Oh how terrible! Well, we do have a few cruise seats in steering.

SPEAKER_07 8:29

Yeah, that'll do. That'll do nicely. That'll do nicely.

SPEAKER_05 8:37

Why are you talking like that?

Boarding Chaos & The Melancholy Captain

SPEAKER_15 8:39

The captain sits alone. He's reviewing the plans for the sh trip they're about to take. He's drinking his favorite drink. A whiskey sour.

SPEAKER_11 8:55

I love it.

SPEAKER_15 8:56

But he can't help but think. Think about dear Margaret, who he left at home.

SPEAKER_04 9:01

Oh my love. Margaret, I'd miss you so.

SPEAKER_14 9:10

I'm just a memory in your head right now. I'm just a memory in your head. Oh, Margaret. That's the name of our song that we had together when we were well.

SPEAKER_04 9:26

Oh, oh, it was a it was a beautiful day when we were wed, and now it seems like a bad song choice in hindsight.

SPEAKER_14 9:36

Oh, I pied. You got on the ship and left me on shore. I was very sad. I had no cure for my broken heart. You love the sea more than me.

SPEAKER_15 9:51

The first officer walks in.

SPEAKER_06 9:56

Hello, Captain. What I'm sorry, did I interrupt you, Captain?

SPEAKER_07 10:02

I wasn't crying. What are you talking about? I would never insinuate such a thing, sir.

SPEAKER_15 10:08

The first officer has a fantastic beard and can't help playing with it. The captain can't help but notice it either.

SPEAKER_07 10:19

Are you distracted by the my newly oiled beard, sir?

SPEAKER_04 10:25

It is impressive. I'm sure that keeps your lower face warm. Yeah. Out on the open sea Captain, I came to tell you something. Where the cold wings blow, yes.

SPEAKER_16 10:44

The first officer has a secret.

SPEAKER_15 10:45

He's heard some rumblings, a rumor of of something afoot.

SPEAKER_07 10:51

Well, yes, out with it, man. Captain, there's something amiss on the ship. Not only have I heard rumor of two stowaway, but some of the money that we're supposed to be transporting is missing.

SPEAKER_15 11:10

The captain starts to drool.

SPEAKER_07 11:12

Oh Captain, are you okay?

SPEAKER_14 11:16

You took all my money on the boat. You said it'd be safe. I really hope you keep my money safe. My dowry, my love.

SPEAKER_07 11:29

Captain, you're you're sobbing to a hum of a very nice tune. What is that tune you're sobbing?

SPEAKER_04 11:35

Oh, it's just something that my wife wrote for our wedding.

SPEAKER_07 11:38

Ah, yes, your dear Margaret.

SPEAKER_14 11:40

Don't ever lose my money, my dear love dear. Cause if you do, you won't be my dear. Remember that as you're sailing on the sea. Should I like you?

SPEAKER_07 11:55

Should I wait for you to get out of these little fugue states you're in?

SPEAKER_04 11:58

It's going to happen.

SPEAKER_07 12:00

Uh meanwhile, in first class, two lovely dames were sunning themselves on the deck.

SPEAKER_09 12:09

Bejeweled were their hands. Long and high were their hairstyles.

SPEAKER_07 12:16

Oiled was their skin as they set about on their summer cruise.

SPEAKER_05 12:23

Would the lovely ladies, these beautiful dames, enjoy a delicious uh spritzer some variations?

SPEAKER_14 12:33

I would love one. I would love one as well.

SPEAKER_05 12:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_15 12:40

Martha? Yes. How much oil is too much oil on one skin? There's never enough oil. I'll put more on then. Yeah. What's the harm?

SPEAKER_09 12:50

Martha and Constantine. Sisters, they were rich sisters.

SPEAKER_07 12:56

Going out for a summer cruise.

SPEAKER_14 12:59

Oh, it's just so wonderful to be back on the ocean. Where we belong. Where we rightfully belong. And we will be discovered. We will be discovered.

SPEAKER_05 13:11

One spritzer for the oily lady. That's me. And another spritzer for the woman that leaves the trail of oils behind.

SPEAKER_07 13:20

That is I. Neither was married, which at this time period was the most important fact about both of them.

SPEAKER_05 13:30

Will you two single women charge it to some man on the land?

SPEAKER_16 13:34

Charge it to some man on the land? How dare you! Yes, to our father. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 13:40

One daddy's prison.

SPEAKER_14 13:45

Next week we turn 24.

SPEAKER_07 13:48

They were the oldest women on this cruise. Ancient by some people's standards.

SPEAKER_14 13:55

Menopause, which hasn't been discovered quite yet. It's just around the corner, isn't it? Yes, and I believe in a couple of years I'm going to get a gray hair.

SPEAKER_05 14:04

Were you too old hags enjoy a fan? Or something else?

SPEAKER_14 14:11

I don't need a fan, not yet, but a couple of years.

SPEAKER_16 14:14

A couple of years I shall have discovered. I've heard you need a fan in an ice bath.

SPEAKER_14 14:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_16 14:19

Say, what is your name, boy?

SPEAKER_14 14:22

My name is Mr. V. He seems unsure of it.

SPEAKER_15 14:29

There's a question mark at the end of his sentence there.

SPEAKER_09 14:32

Mr. Me was 73 years young.

SPEAKER_07 14:35

Just a spry young chicken in the eyes of that society.

SPEAKER_05 14:40

I was born on this boat! I just wanted you to know that.

SPEAKER_14 14:45

Yes, well, I would like for you to know if you see any eligible bachelors that are looking for slightly older women. Okay. We two are available.

SPEAKER_16 14:57

We're very available, even though we're very old. Inside and outside.

SPEAKER_05 15:03

I will begin a search for two handsome young men for the aged women.

SPEAKER_14 15:09

Thank you so much, Mr. B. This is going to be so wonderful. I think only good things are going to come to us, Constantine. Me too.

Gambling Deck Antics & Pit Boss

SPEAKER_07 15:21

The engines roared and the ship got underway. Out! On to the open.

SPEAKER_13 15:27

Woo! We're really cruising now! Oh yeah, the wind in my hair! Nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing, crew. Nothing at all.

SPEAKER_07 15:38

Meanwhile, on the main gambling deck, a group of rowdy mare dwells were shouting and playing dyes, getting drunk and yelling at the dealers. They all wore the same red checkered vests and black and white striped pants.

SPEAKER_08 16:00

Hey dealer.

SPEAKER_07 16:02

Hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey, hey what?

SPEAKER_08 16:08

Hey Dealer!

SPEAKER_07 16:09

Oh, you first.

SPEAKER_08 16:11

Yeah. Dummy.

SPEAKER_07 16:12

Yeah, hey, hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey dealer. You two have never been on a cruise before, have you? No. Dice. Yahtzee!

SPEAKER_05 16:26

Give me the money now!

SPEAKER_07 16:28

You haven't put down any money so far. You've gotta put down money first, and then you can gamble something.

SPEAKER_05 16:37

Do you have a little money?

SPEAKER_08 16:39

Yeah, I got a couple coins.

SPEAKER_07 16:42

I got some coins. The two Nair Dewells looked to be below age, wearing nothing but t-shirts representing off-colored music of the era, had large foreheads and braces on their teeth. Don't I know you two from somewhere else?

SPEAKER_08 17:03

You can have three guesses, and if you guess right, we'll say yes.

SPEAKER_07 17:09

So I get three guesses, and if I guess right, you I'll you'll say yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll say no if you guess anymore. Alright. And it's correct. Cletus and backheads.

SPEAKER_08 17:26

No! You're dumb.

SPEAKER_07 17:28

No, you're dumb. You're so dumb.

SPEAKER_05 17:29

Yachty. Uh double. Monopoly.

SPEAKER_07 17:34

I'm just a man trying to make his way on this boat, alright?

SPEAKER_09 17:38

I don't have time for Nairduells. Come in here, ruining my game, scaring off my customers.

SPEAKER_08 17:43

Oh, geez, mister, we're sorry. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07 17:45

The pit boss walked over.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

If you two aren't gonna put money down. Oh no. You need to get out of here. Oh no, it's the pit boss.

SPEAKER_05 18:01

Uh pit boss, a really scary pitball.

SPEAKER_08 18:04

A really scary pit ball.

SPEAKER_05 18:05

I'm scared of the pit ball.

SPEAKER_08 18:06

We're so scary, you pit ball!

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Terrified of the pit ball. Why are you so scary? I'm horrified by the pit ball. You're so scary! I'm horrified! I'm gonna have a nightmare! You've already said that. That's my cat. I just You're re you're as scary as a cat! Yeah. And I'm terrified of those. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

How'd you get so scary, pit boss? Yeah, good. I've been on this cruise ship for a long, long time.

SPEAKER_07 18:33

The server wasn't the only one who had been born on the boat. Hey, hey, Cletus.

SPEAKER_16 18:39

Yeah, yeah, baghead. Oh.

unknown 18:42

Alright.

SPEAKER_05 18:44

How about we how about we put some our coins down and then gamble? So because so the bit the bit boss. Do it. Three, two, three, two, one, three, two, one. Three, two, one. Coins down.

SPEAKER_08 18:54

Coins down, bit boss. Bitboss. Our coins. You're so s the way you're glaring at me is so freaking scary.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08 19:02

Because you lost. What? What?

SPEAKER_02 19:05

I'm taking all your money.

SPEAKER_03 19:06

What we had! No!

SPEAKER_02 19:08

It's all we had! That's terrifying! I said that again! Get out of here! And go where? We're on a ship! Yeah. I don't know, but not in here. Give us a job or something! Yeah, can we have a job? You could scrub the floors! Alright, everyone's got a scrubbing.

SPEAKER_08 19:25

I love having a purpose in life.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Alright, get to it. Maybe I'll give you your coins back.

Chuck Cotterman 19:36

The crew on the food will record with our second act in just a moment. But first, folks, a word from our sponsor, and we thank you for taking a moment to listen to Kentucky Blue, the product that's made for you. It slices, it rices, it twices, and we can't describe exactly what it is. With four edges and several sides, Kentucky Blue is the perfect way to keep your laundry clean and your car's engine running smoothly. It needs no maintenance, and even if it did, We could not tell you how to complete it. The most revolutionary product in modern American history, Kentucky Blue, is a mystery to everyone who sells it. But it won't stay that way for long. The magic product, loved by housewives, train engineers, lifeguards, and mayors of mid-sized small towns. Kentucky Blue, a product so good we legally can't describe it to you. And now, everyone, the improvised golden age radio players are back with the second act of The Crew on the Cruise.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

On the Lido deck, people were mingling around, uh having a nice time. Davy and Jimmy, the boys from Kentucky, popped their heads up from steerage and looked around furtively. They knew they weren't supposed to be here, but they were willing to take a chance.

SPEAKER_06 20:56

Boy, this is the life, Uncle Davy. Here we are on a boat.

SPEAKER_07 21:00

I've never been on a boat before. Oh, a lot of high-class types in here. Yeah, you look nervous, Uncle Davy. It's making me real nervous. What for? Well, I've never been around. I know I talked to big game back in Louisville. But I've actually never been around any high-class types before. What do you mean? You told me you worked downtown at the Capitol. Yeah, that's what I told you.

SPEAKER_12 21:22

What I actually did was shovel potatoes.

SPEAKER_04 21:25

What? Yeah, I was a potato shoveler. Alright? Uncle Davy continues to wipe his hands on his shirt and his brow, sweating profusely from his hands. Doesn't know where to put his hands. What do I do with these things?

SPEAKER_07 21:39

I don't know, but you're getting you're getting your greasy rubs all over your shirt. We're not gonna fit in. Look, Uncle Davy, relax. No one knows who we are. We can be anybody we wanna be. That's true. That's true. Well, look at those two dames over there. Why why we could talk to them, then they don't know. We could be from anywhere. Yeah, we could be the potato barons of Kentucky.

SPEAKER_04 22:04

Those two elderly dames that he was talking about, nearly 24, were talking amongst one another.

SPEAKER_08 22:12

Oh, and then you just put it in the basket. Yeah, I know. I didn't realize you knew that. Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_07 22:19

Oh boy, I never talked to a woman before. Well, you've talked to family members that are women. Holy crap. I never thought about it like that. Well, technically true! Technically true. Okay, I can do this. Yeah. Alright, let's go. Let's go. Let's go over there. All right.

SPEAKER_13 22:38

Oh, and then if you don't put it in the basket, we can take it out. Wow.

SPEAKER_07 22:43

Oh, hi! Hello.

SPEAKER_13 22:44

Oh, hello. Hello.

SPEAKER_07 22:47

So, what's for dinner? No, that's what I would ask mom.

SPEAKER_11 22:51

Oh.

SPEAKER_07 22:53

You'll have to excuse my nephew here.

SPEAKER_12 22:56

He doesn't have a lot of experience.

SPEAKER_14 22:58

No, actually, we know exactly where we're going to dinner.

SPEAKER_12 23:02

Oh.

SPEAKER_14 23:02

We're going to the first class lounge, Rico Benny's.

SPEAKER_07 23:07

Oh. Oh. Oh. I can hear them charging people for the people as we speak.

SPEAKER_14 23:14

Yes. We've been going there almost every day. Every day. The chef knows us by name.

SPEAKER_07 23:20

And you order.

SPEAKER_14 23:21

And you pay for those meals after you're done eating them? Of course not. Our father pays. He prepaid for every meal.

Rico Benny’s Courtship Over Cheese

SPEAKER_04 23:30

The boys hadn't eaten since they were on the road. And they were starting to feel the hunger.

SPEAKER_07 23:36

I am extremely hungry.

SPEAKER_12 23:38

Yes, yes. Well, well, why don't we all, being of equal social status, go to said restaurant and uh and eat together?

SPEAKER_14 23:48

Why, we'd love to love that. However, we'd like to know, um, are either of you engaged to be married? Or are either of you married?

SPEAKER_07 24:05

No, no. What we are is a couple of business partners from Kentucky.

SPEAKER_14 24:11

Business partners. What kind of business are you in?

SPEAKER_07 24:14

We run the potato business. Anyone's got a potato from Kentucky, it goes through us.

SPEAKER_14 24:20

Power. That's right.

SPEAKER_04 24:26

The two couples stroll toward the restaurant.

SPEAKER_16 24:30

And then if you put it out of the basket, you can always get it back in if you want to pick it up later. Did you know that? We haven't even gotten names yet.

SPEAKER_07 24:38

Uncle Davy, this is gonna be amazing. We haven't eaten since we left Kentucky. I know. I'm really hungry, but I'm also really excited about just talking to people. This is amazing.

SPEAKER_14 24:48

All right, here it is.

SPEAKER_07 24:50

Rico Benny's. Well, it is amazing how that happens. You can hear the cashier after every time you say the name of the restaurant.

SPEAKER_09 24:58

A lot of people checking out.

SPEAKER_16 24:59

Say, what's your name?

SPEAKER_07 25:02

Why, I'm James!

SPEAKER_16 25:04

Oh, you hesitated a bit too much there.

SPEAKER_12 25:06

He's James the Third.

SPEAKER_06 25:09

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

SPEAKER_12 25:11

And I'm uh uh David.

SPEAKER_04 25:15

David Goliath! Uncle Davy avoided shaking hands.

SPEAKER_07 25:21

Yep, this is my business partner, David Goliath, and I'm James the Third.

SPEAKER_14 25:25

Well, my name is Martha. And my name is Constantine. We're sisters.

SPEAKER_07 25:31

Sisters?

SPEAKER_14 25:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 25:33

Wow. Well, should we get a table or run into the kitchen and grab whatever we can?

SPEAKER_09 25:40

A table! Let's get a table! Let's get a table.

SPEAKER_08 25:42

No need. We have our own table set up over there.

SPEAKER_07 25:46

Oh, just for two, huh? I was thinking maybe we could all eat together.

SPEAKER_14 25:53

We love sitting on laps.

Shady Deal: Cash Plugged In Hull

SPEAKER_05 25:56

Oh this is moving really fast. Meanwhile, the first mate went to go speak to a shady figure. In a shady part of a shady ship.

unknown 26:14

Hey.

SPEAKER_14 26:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_07 26:17

You got the stuff.

SPEAKER_14 26:19

I do.

SPEAKER_07 26:20

She had the stuff. I have the money. He had the money.

SPEAKER_14 26:25

You do?

SPEAKER_07 26:27

He did. I do.

SPEAKER_14 26:30

Great.

SPEAKER_07 26:31

Fabulous. It was.$4,400, just like you asked for.

SPEAKER_14 26:36

Amazing. Well, you're gonna put it in that hole right there in the bottom of the ship. And then when it's time, I'll make this motion.

SPEAKER_05 26:51

She started to wave her arms around in an elaborate way. Then her arms went up, then they went down, and they went all around. Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning.

SPEAKER_07 27:04

And then she never stopped. And then she stopped. Alright, quit hokeying and poking. I get it. You're gonna wave your hands around like a bird and do a spinny dance.

SPEAKER_05 27:13

Then he started to do it. Exactly like this. He started to put his hands. No, not like that. He put his hands out to the side, then up, then all around. Then he kept spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning forever and ever until he stopped.

SPEAKER_14 27:30

Yes. And once that happens, then you will run down here. You will grab the money out of the hole, and you and I will leave this ship. And leave them only with a hole in a ship.

SPEAKER_07 27:46

Alright, just to recap, you have a made-a-hole in the bottom of the ship. Yes. We're gonna plug it with cash. Yes. And then when you give me the sign, water was already starting to bubble up. Oh yeah, okay. Let's jam the cash in the hole while we're talking about the plants.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

Yes, exactly, so that it doesn't get water on us.

SPEAKER_07 28:06

Right. Okay, so the hole is plugged by cash. Yes. And then what water was already up to their ankles at this point.

SPEAKER_14 28:13

And then once I do the dance, you'll come grab the cash, and we will leave with the cash, and everybody else will leave or not leave.

SPEAKER_07 28:21

Is it just me or is this not working?

Captain’s Trances And Dowry Fears

SPEAKER_12 28:24

Uh Captain! Captain! Captain! What? Uh don't mean to interrupt you, but uh I noticed an alarming amount of hooligans on this cruise. Why I already had fifty dollars taken out of my suit coats only earlier today.

SPEAKER_04 28:43

Well, m m Mr. Thorgensen, uh you are a very uh treasured guest uh on this boat, and I I I can assure you that uh anything is amiss or Captain, uh I don't mean to uh be rude, but have you been crying?

SPEAKER_12 29:04

What? Well, I can see uh why would I cry? What would I have to cry about? Well, I don't know the reason, but I can see that you're crying right now as you're talking to me.

SPEAKER_14 29:17

I won't be able to see your tears when you're out on the boat. I wish you'd come home, but you won't. You love the sea more than me. I can see that. Are you still in the conversation, Captain? You had loved me like you promised you would do.

SPEAKER_07 29:39

Several minutes elapsed while Thurgood Thorgensen watched the captain in another state of trance.

SPEAKER_12 29:45

Captain, you seem to have soiled yourself as we were talking.

SPEAKER_13 29:49

Come home, Daddy.

SPEAKER_04 29:52

It's uh it's uh merely a defensive measure. Uh uh there are pirates in these waters, and uh we have to be careful. Uh they won't take a hostage that's uh I need your love not continent.

SPEAKER_07 30:05

And now, as the captain spoke, Thurgood was distracted by the song that his daughter had last sang to him.

SPEAKER_14 30:13

You said you'd come home. But it's been ten years.

SPEAKER_04 30:21

That's the idea, Thorgensen.

SPEAKER_12 30:22

Yes, soil yourself just like that. Just like that. You see, I am haunted by mistakes that I made, and I think I can recognize that look on another man's face. We uh we live the life that we choose. Yes. I think you'll find that if you just drink yourself uh into a stupor, uh-huh, uh you won't care nearly as much about any of those mistakes.

Rising Water And Denial Below Deck

SPEAKER_14 30:49

Meanwhile, uh scrubbing the floor, the two hooligans! Oh hey, hey, hey, hey, what? Hey, pig links!

SPEAKER_08 31:02

I'm scrubbing.

SPEAKER_14 31:03

You scrubbing? I'm scrubbing. Oh, I'm scrubbing. This feels good. Good work, good hardware feels good, and they touched the floor. They realized they hadn't put water on it, but there was water there.

SPEAKER_05 31:16

What the How is there water already on the floor? This is my first time on a boat. How is this happening?

SPEAKER_08 31:22

I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 31:23

Do we have magical power? We are magic! We've been doing incredible deeds!

SPEAKER_08 31:28

Wow! We've made up for all the bad things we did on land and at sea.

SPEAKER_05 31:31

We did all sorts of criminal acts. We know so bad. God has smiled upon us.

SPEAKER_14 31:36

Oh, praise be. And as I spoke of nonsense, their pants began to get wet. Oh, holy smokes. Am I peeing my pants?

SPEAKER_05 31:46

I think I've also peeing my pants, but I don't feel the feeling of peeing my top. Oh my god, we're magical creatures! Also, it's cold. It's so cold. It's it's very strange.

SPEAKER_08 31:57

Jeez, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I've never peed cold before.

SPEAKER_05 32:01

If you're touched by God, are you meant to not have any feeling in your torso?

SPEAKER_02 32:06

Then it was up to their waist. Wow. Whoa!

SPEAKER_05 32:09

Whoa, this is like a bath! Hey, Cletus! I feel like I'm starting to like tread water a little bit.

Confessions At Dinner

SPEAKER_07 32:17

As the water level rose on Cletus and Mutthead, we take you to Rico Benny's where the dining was just beginning. Oh these are amazing uh cheeses. Yes, I've I've never had so much cheese.

SPEAKER_15 32:36

Oh, surely you can name them, being of a high class that you are.

SPEAKER_07 32:41

She held out a plate of several cheeses. Uh yellow cheese. That one is a that's a blue, that's a Kentucky blue cheese.

SPEAKER_14 32:50

Oh, I'm sitting in order. Martha, this is amazing. I feel like we have so much in common. Um, what do you two enjoy doing for fun?

SPEAKER_07 33:03

Um, being wealthy. Yes, yes. That's up there. Pastime of mine. That's up there. Uh um uh uh uh sneaking, or I mean going aboard ships. Also, shuttlecock. We love to play shuttlecock. Beans of sweat started to drip down Davy Goliath's face. Uh you're sweating! Yeah, I uh here, take my sleeve. Oh, oh uh oh, I I guess I'm not feeling too well. I I should probably go back to our very large cabin that we have.

SPEAKER_14 33:41

No, no, please don't, please don't. We can take care of you. We'll take we've got a guys, we've got a spare. Constantine, give him your shirt. Oh, absolutely, here it is.

SPEAKER_07 33:50

She removed her blouse. Whoa, but here it's another blouse. Oh, thank God.

SPEAKER_14 33:54

I always have to. Do you need a blouse?

SPEAKER_05 33:59

Let's just say yes. She's so good at her. She removed her blouse to reveal another blouse.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

Yes, I uh have many blouses on. Jenny, we got ladies with multiple blouses. We hit the jackpot!

SPEAKER_07 34:11

We hit the jackpot over here. Not just if you can figure out what to do with your hands and stop being so nervous.

SPEAKER_13 34:16

Here, come in the cheese. Hold my hand. Hold on.

SPEAKER_05 34:20

His hand got stuck in some of the cheese. He tried to hold her hand. Oh no, but they were cheese covered.

SPEAKER_08 34:27

Oh, gosh. Oh, no, I've got cheese all over my second blouse.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

She removed her blouse! It's coming off to reveal another blouse. Oh, third blouse.

SPEAKER_14 34:37

I have cheese all over my pants. Because I'm a progressive woman who wears pants.

SPEAKER_05 34:43

She removed her pants to reveal very conservative skirts.

SPEAKER_07 34:51

Very lovely dinner, ladies, but I I think we've gotta be going now, right, James?

SPEAKER_15 34:55

Wait just a minute. If you're as high class as we are, you should have an underblouse on as well. And underpants.

SPEAKER_14 35:06

Off with it.

SPEAKER_05 35:07

They thought deeply, realizing that neither of them were wearing underpants.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Uh take off your shirt. Take off your pants.

SPEAKER_07 35:18

Jimmy, I think it's time we come clean. Oh god. This could ruin the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Ladies, we got something to admit to you. We uh we're maybe not quite as high class as we made ourselves out to be. In fact, uh I'm I only have one shirt on right now. The entire restaurant stopped.

SPEAKER_05 35:44

Everyone turned their heads. You could hear several layers of fabric as they turned.

SPEAKER_07 35:52

And I I don't even own any underpants. A woman dropped her glass in shock. And I don't know if you can tell from our accents, but we're not even from Kentucky.

Discovery Of Flooding And Bodies

Chuck Cotterman 36:13

Ladies and gentlemen, the crew on the clues will be back with their exciting conclusion after this. But first, another word from our sponsor. Folks, people keep walking up to me and asking about Kentucky Blue. What can it do for me? They ask, and I say, friend, it can do a hundred things you haven't even thought of. Even be cheese for your sandwich. How much does it cost? Why just a dollar a parcel? Too cheap to pass up, if you ask me or your local locksmith. And what exactly is Kentucky Blue? I cannot tell you. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but that's information I'm technically not allowed to give out. The sponsor has given me extra express instructions not to give any concrete details about Kentucky Blue. Except for the fact that it's endorsed by every one of your favorite baseball teams from Chicago to New Jersey. Kentucky Blue, it's the essential item you didn't know you've always needed. Buy it today, and if you figure out what it is, please don't say. And now the exciting conclusion to the crew on the cruise with the improvised golden age radio. Players, put your hands together.

SPEAKER_07 37:15

Macon, the 73-year-old Bellhop, wandered through the halls. My young old bones. Mumbling to himself as he made his nightly rounds. Uh go comes go. Only one last chamber below deck to check to make sure everything was a-okay. These stairs never get easier. What was this? What? Water leaking from underneath the door. As this whole bottom deck is submerged. That's not normal for a boat. He scrambled over to the one door where people might have been and he tried to open it.

SPEAKER_05 37:58

Scrambling was really difficult for me to do. Twisting, fighting the water pressure.

SPEAKER_07 38:05

Suddenly it opened in a fury. And it wasn't just him. There was two bodies in the water.

SPEAKER_05 38:14

Oh, it's his two Nerdwells. Oh. It appears that they have drowned. Did someone murder them or were they drowned?

SPEAKER_07 38:28

Maybe I scramble to report back to the captain. Oh, I've been scrambling too much!

SPEAKER_15 38:33

The captain sits alone in his captain chair. No one else can fit on that chair with the captain.

SPEAKER_05 38:42

Captain.

SPEAKER_04 38:44

Oh yes, yes.

SPEAKER_05 38:46

Would you like a spritzer first? I have some news. Or a whiskey sour, as I know that's your. But can I spritz it a little bit? Oh, what the heck? I'm sorry I'm killing time. There is something very important I need to tell you.

SPEAKER_15 39:05

The captain closes his notebook slowly. He doesn't like anyone to see his thoughts or plans.

SPEAKER_05 39:11

Hey, what are you closing there? Your thoughts and plans?

SPEAKER_04 39:15

Just a little bit of privacy, you know. Oh sort of thing. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 39:22

Oh now.

SPEAKER_04 39:24

You have news.

SPEAKER_05 39:26

Oh yeah, yes, yes, I have news.

SPEAKER_04 39:28

Oh, this is delicious.

SPEAKER_05 39:30

Yes, I've made a very good whiskey sour spritz.

SPEAKER_15 39:35

The captain chugs it in one big chug.

SPEAKER_05 39:40

Yes. Now I'm remembering there's a thing. It keeps it going down. We're all gonna die! Oh yeah, and I also found two dead bodies.

The Heist Triggers The Sinking

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Meanwhile, down in the bottom deck, swimming along, the mysterious figure meets up. It does the dance.

SPEAKER_07 40:08

The signal. Honey, do you see it?

SPEAKER_16 40:13

They're go the hands are going. The signal, this is the signal.

SPEAKER_02 40:22

Take the money and let's go.

SPEAKER_06 40:24

Alright, I'm headed down below to get the money that was clogging the hole.

SPEAKER_02 40:28

Here, let me throw you a mask so you could swim underwater.

SPEAKER_07 40:32

Perfect. I don't know why I'd need that since the money is obviously clogging the hole like we planned.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 40:39

Our plan is working!

SPEAKER_07 40:40

Alright, honey, I'll be back. Then we'll escape.

SPEAKER_12 40:45

What an idiot! What an idiot I am! Coming onto the ship thinking I could be some kind of big shot. Um I'm just a phony, I'm a fraud!

SPEAKER_14 40:56

No, you're not! I'm in love with you!

SPEAKER_07 41:01

Martha!

SPEAKER_14 41:01

Yes!

SPEAKER_07 41:02

You followed me all the way down here to the steerage where I've been hiding out.

SPEAKER_14 41:06

I did.

SPEAKER_15 41:08

There's Martha is still Um W with only one layer of clothing.

SPEAKER_12 41:15

Oh, dude, you better cover up.

SPEAKER_07 41:17

You're only wearing one blouse, one skirt! Here, have this dirty old rag!

SPEAKER_14 41:22

Thank you so much! I I wanted to let you know I heard the ship is going down and there's a lifeboat! There's enough room for you and I to get on it.

SPEAKER_12 41:32

What?

SPEAKER_14 41:33

Will you come with me?

SPEAKER_12 41:35

That's right. My nephew Jimmy!

SPEAKER_16 41:38

Uncle Davy looks around his room. Looks at what he could bring.

SPEAKER_12 41:42

There's not much. Basically nothing.

SPEAKER_14 41:46

You and I would make a perfect match. Don't worry. Constantine has gone after your nephew. Maybe they'll make it.

Scramble For Lifeboats & Partings

SPEAKER_07 41:59

Meanwhile, Constantine was running down the hall.

SPEAKER_11 42:08

Hi.

SPEAKER_07 42:09

Hi, you're out of breath. I've just been standing here.

SPEAKER_16 42:12

Haven't you heard? The ship is going down.

SPEAKER_07 42:17

Yeah. Yeah, I heard.

SPEAKER_16 42:20

Wait, wait, you're playing it kind of cool. You're playing it a little too cool.

SPEAKER_07 42:25

It's my time.

SPEAKER_16 42:27

Wait.

SPEAKER_07 42:28

No, we've come too far.

SPEAKER_16 42:30

No!

SPEAKER_07 42:31

I can't go back and make a fool of myself.

SPEAKER_16 42:34

No! No, I no, she can't get sick, Mary, and I don't get I have to watch somebody die.

SPEAKER_07 42:40

Wait, what are you talking about? This was all this about me.

SPEAKER_14 42:42

Constantine, over here, there's enough room in the lifeboat for you. And whoever you want to bring with you. Come with us. There's enough room for two of us. Hurry! It's already up to my waist.

SPEAKER_07 42:58

We have to go. I'm gonna stay on the ship and die.

SPEAKER_13 43:01

Why? Why are you suicidal? Why didn't you why did I have to get the one that was suicidal? Martha, wait!

SPEAKER_05 43:10

Water was coming up to their necks.

SPEAKER_07 43:14

I'm gonna I'm just gonna sink myself now.

SPEAKER_14 43:18

Guess I'll die in old hag. It was nice knowing you, Constantine. Martha!

SPEAKER_07 43:25

Down in the ship's belly, the captain stumbled through the wet holiday.

SPEAKER_09 43:33

Bracing himself against the walls, trying to make it! Trying to make one last stand against this sinking rotten ship!

SPEAKER_04 43:42

Oh, there's only one thing for me to do! Uh, to go down with this ship. Oh, my beloved wife! Oh, I will miss you.

SPEAKER_05 43:54

Would you like a drink, sir?

SPEAKER_04 43:58

Spritz, sir. A drink? But just seawater. There's a lot of it, sir. You you you've always been on this boat. Yes. I think I will have a drink.

SPEAKER_05 44:12

I'll mix it up for you, sir.

SPEAKER_07 44:14

As he mixed the drink, the captain looked and saw what seemed to be a vision of his wife. But this vision was different. He always saw visions of his wife, but this one seemed more real, more tangible.

SPEAKER_05 44:29

Captain, should I mix a drink for your wife as well? I see her.

SPEAKER_03 44:35

I'm behind you right here. You you see her too? My dear! My darling! You're not my dear or my darling anymore. What?

SPEAKER_06 44:46

Captain, it's me, your first officer.

unknown 44:48

What?

SPEAKER_06 44:48

And I fell in love with your wife a long time ago.

SPEAKER_14 44:51

Oh we're taking my dowry.

SPEAKER_03 44:54

And we're taking the last lifeboat. It's that damn rakish beard.

SPEAKER_07 45:00

That's the I should have grown a beard. That's why she fell in love with me at first sight.

SPEAKER_05 45:05

I'm sorry I shaved your beard every morning, Captain. It just seemed very bellhoppish.

SPEAKER_04 45:13

Yes, and I I thought that a sea captain with a beard is kind of cliche. Yes, I agree.

SPEAKER_07 45:21

The water creeped up farther. Now, going above their waists.

Captain’s End & Lovers’ Escape

SPEAKER_05 45:26

Would the two of you like a spritzer of some varietum?

SPEAKER_06 45:32

We don't need a drink. We need the captain to take a drink.

SPEAKER_07 45:35

The last drink of his life.

SPEAKER_04 45:42

Wait. Near far. Wherever you are. I know that my heart will go on. What's he talking about, babe? I have no idea.

SPEAKER_07 45:58

Began to play in the captain's head. A melody. A melody faint but clear.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

Here. Give him this door to hold on to.

SPEAKER_07 46:16

The captain's face slipped beneath the waves. Darkening as it fell down, down into the ocean depths.

SPEAKER_14 46:29

I'll stay with your first mate every day. Goodbye, you man who left me on show.

SPEAKER_07 46:43

I had no idea you could sing like that.

SPEAKER_02 46:45

Yes, I'm gonna be a jazz singer. What?

SPEAKER_07 46:48

I was already in love with you. Let's get out of here. We can still escape. I guess I'll just stay here.

SPEAKER_14 46:55

Goodbye, everyone! To a new life!

SPEAKER_07 46:58

You're gonna go down with the ship too? Well, I don't know anything else. And I'll just climb up to one of the steam stacks and just hope someone finds me. Alright, Belha. Let's go on. But that jet just before they left, they also saw the man narrating the scene and realized maybe there was a spot on the lifeboat for him, too. I don't know. I haven't seen the lifeboat situation myself. There's enough room for everybody except for these two. Uh narrator, what do you want to do?

SPEAKER_06 47:28

By the lighthouse, uh by the lifeboats, even though there was enough for everybody, a scene of chaos evolved.

SPEAKER_07 47:34

People shouting and pushing, shoving.

SPEAKER_14 47:51

Look, everybody! We've made it onto the lifeboat. Look over there. All you could see is the tip of the ship. A ship tip.

SPEAKER_07 48:01

As the last of the ships submerged, plopping up and down, up and down until it finally did not resubmerge again. A whirlpool formed and pulled down all the remnants of the shrapnel that used to be the boat.

SPEAKER_15 48:18

Well, what now? Just a bunch of survivors. Bunch of strangers. Yes.

SPEAKER_14 48:25

Guess we'll have to start anew. Do you guys want to go to a Cubs game?

Chuck Cotterman 48:38

And thus, we need to let the end with Blue on the Blues. Except for those that escaped. Let's give them a round of applause. Everyone, you're cast.

SPEAKER_09 48:48

Kelly Hurton, Philip Hamler, Ashley Writers, Ben Vegan, Joe Hart, Eric Peterson, we have Kate and Schnitty on the folder. And over on the sounds of the future, and me, your host, Chuck Copperman.

Chuck Cotterman 49:03

Everyone, the creators of Kentucky Blue, thank you for joining us here at the Second City's dining skybox theater. And because you're a very special audience, our sponsor would be happy to share a detail with you. Kentucky Blue is Orange.

SPEAKER_07 49:17

Kentucky Blue is Orange? I didn't see that coming. Tonight's show starred Philip Amler as Uncle Davy Goliath, the car dealer, and Mr. Dorgens. Shelby Hurton as the captain's wife, Martha the Rich Oily Sister, and the Fit Boss. Joe Hartstein as the captain and other miscreants. Eric Peterson played the damn fool nephew, the first officer, and various schools. Ashley Whitehurst played Constantine the Oily Sister and the Nair Douwell. Ben Beachin played the opening narrator, Mr. B and the Nair to Wells. We'll have more live shows in 2026. If you're enjoying the podcast, please like and subscribe everywhere you can. Check Improviseradio.com or follow Improviseradio Show on Instagram for more show details.