Improvised Golden Age Radio

The Kentucky Cruise Conundrum

• IGAR • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Two Kentucky potato farmers take a chance in the big city and land themselves on a cruise! Ne're do wells and cross class romance, this is an IGAR to remember, or at least, listen to!

Philip Amler - Uncle Davy Goliath, The Card Dealer, Mr.Gorgonsen 

Shelby Burton - Captains Wife, Martha the Oily Sister, The Pit Boss,

Joe Hartenstine - Captain and others

Eric Pedersen - Damn Fool Nephew James the 3rd; First Officer 

Ashley Whitehurst - Constantine oil sister, a ne’er do well

Ben Vigeant - Mr. B , Ne’er Dowells



 

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Chuck Cotterman:

Nine out of ten doctors noted that they weren't bothered by the results and would continue to recommend therapeutic smoking. You're listening to KIGAR Radio, Communist Free since 1923.

SPEAKER_07:

The Improvised Golden Age of Radio is a fully improvised comedy presented live to the studio audience, staged and performed in the classic style of an all-time radio show. This episode is recorded live in Chicago, Illinois, on Second City's Tunny Skybox stage on July 3, 2025.

Chuck Cotterman:

I will be your announcer this evening. Let's get our cast out here before we begin. Philip Amler, Shelby Burton, Joe Harkenstein, Eric Peterson, Ashley Whitehurst, and Ben the Pipes Vegent. Give them a round of applause, everybody. We also have Caitlin Schneider coming out on the Foley table. And down there with the electronics is Ed Zach. Everybody, a round of applause, bringing the sounds of the past into the future. My name again, Chuck Cotterman. We will be getting started in just a few minutes, but first I'd like to come down and meet everybody tonight. A big audience tonight. Big audience. Give yourselves a round of applause, first of all. Thank you very much. And uh we do have just a couple minutes, so I'm going to say hello. And folks, I've walked straight to you in the back. And can I ask your names, please?

SPEAKER_01:

Jonathan and Eve.

Chuck Cotterman:

Jonathan and Eve. Did I get it right there? Excellent. Welcome to the show. And are you from Chicago?

SPEAKER_01:

No, we're from Louisville.

Chuck Cotterman:

Louisville, Louisville, Kentucky. Excellent. My father used to make the joke. How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louisville or Louisville?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, we just call it Louisville.

Chuck Cotterman:

The capital of Kentucky is Frankfurt. Oh, he caught me a thousand times, and I have caught someone from Louisville. Everyone, please give me a round of applause. Thank you. And now what are you finding is the most exciting thing about Chicago so far?

SPEAKER_01:

Um, well, Cubs game.

Chuck Cotterman:

Cubs game. All right, round of applause for the Cubbies. And I see by your hat that you will be rooting for the Cubs.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah, Jersey and everything else.

Chuck Cotterman:

All right, excellent. A worldly fan of all baseball. Well, thank you very much. And your names once again for the mic.

SPEAKER_01:

Jonathan Eve.

Chuck Cotterman:

Jonathan and Eve. Thank you very much, Jonathan Eve. All right. And now to the back, we uh we remain in the back. Uh your names, please.

SPEAKER_04:

Uh Carl and Shell from Chicago.

Chuck Cotterman:

Carl and Shell. Welcome. And now, since you're from Chicago, I'd like to ask you to talk to all of the folks in the audience that aren't from Chicago and give them one place that they should go this evening after the show. Um any anywhere at all. You can you can say the bean.

SPEAKER_04:

I'm not sure if they'll be able to get in, but can't go wrong with some uh Rico Bennies.

Chuck Cotterman:

Rico Benny's round of applause for Rico Bennies. Look, we've got pointers in the audience saying Rico Bennies, I believe. Agreeing. All right, and let's go to one more before we turn over the broadcast. Uh Madam, your name, please. Lynn.

unknown:

Lynn.

Chuck Cotterman:

Lynn, thank you for joining us this evening. And Lynn, are you from Chicago? Originally. Originally from Chicago. And where are you visiting from?

SPEAKER_11:

I'm visiting from Orange County, California.

Chuck Cotterman:

A long way. Everybody, round of applause for Orange County, California. And uh being from Orange County, what is your favorite color?

SPEAKER_12:

Um blue.

Chuck Cotterman:

Blue, all right. Unexpected answer, everybody. Yeah, I mean, I expected orange, but I will take blue. Uh and can I ask, what's the what's the best part about Orange County versus Chicago? Uh oh.

SPEAKER_11:

Not the politics.

Chuck Cotterman:

Not the politics, everybody. I think that's a really good answer, honestly. I would have said the temperature in the winter, but I will take not the politics as well. Uh Lynn, thank you very much. And everyone, we're about to get the broadcast uh changed over from New York, so I'll just go ahead and get right back up on stage and tell you what this show is all about. Before man's attention was captured by cellular telephones, computer machines, and of course, the humble television, the airwaves were ruled by the king of communication, the radio. Night after night until 10 p.m., parents and children alike gathered round the warm tubes of the family receiver to be regaled with the most exciting news, gossip, and stories of the day. These productions were put on by crews working countless hours for writing meticulous scripts and planning complex scenes to rehearsing until each moment was perfect. We've done none of that. Tonight the thrills, the chills, the cheers, the tears, and of course the sounds are being created and performed without any preparation for you, the studio audience. The broadcast is live, folks, but it's also being recorded for everyone out there in Radio Land, so laugh loud and laugh long. And if the mics pick you up, you might just be a part of radio history. The studio is turning over the broadcast from New York. A big round of applause for your players, the improvised golden age radio players.

SPEAKER_14:

The warm summer sun was beating down on the streets, and the palm trees were beautiful in the sunlight. And walking into town were two people who had never been there before.

SPEAKER_07:

You hear that wind, Jimmy? Yeah, I hear it, Uncle Lady. That's the famous Santa Ana winds. They're blowing us into town. Doesn't feel that way, feels like we've been walking a long time on our own power. Well, that's because the car broke down. Yeah.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes, these two had driven all the way from Kentucky just to see what was it like in California.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, here it is, Uncle Davy.

SPEAKER_06:

Honestly, it don't look like much. I thought it'd be something beautiful.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, you don't think this is beautiful? Look at those palm trees.

SPEAKER_07:

Look at those hills! Look at that cool blue water that stretches out forever. Yeah, that's impressive. But I always thought the water would be orange. You what? I said I thought the ocean would be orange. Why would you think a damn fool thing like that? Well, we got blue water back home in Kentucky. Why'd we come out here if it's the same old thing? Boy, that's why I brought you on this trip. To teach you something about the world. To show you how to make a dollar in this country. Why? We're gonna turn this town upside down and shake every last cent out of it. They're not gonna know what hit them. Oh I think there's a bellhop nearby. What? A hotel? Take up bags, sir. Oh, Uncle David, what's going on here?

SPEAKER_05:

The ship leaves in five minutes on ashore.

SPEAKER_07:

That's it, Jimmy. We locked into this one. We're on a genuine cruise ship. You're gonna give me your bags, sir. Uh, uh, uh, we we don't have any bags. So I just came out of here for nothing, sirs. Well, no, you see, uh, we lost our tickets. That's right. That is what happened. We were accosted back there when our car was broke down.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh how terrible! Well, we do have a few cruise seats in steering.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, that'll do. That'll do nicely. That'll do nicely.

SPEAKER_05:

Why are you talking like that?

SPEAKER_15:

The captain sits alone. He's reviewing the plans for the sh trip they're about to take. He's drinking his favorite drink. A whiskey sour.

SPEAKER_11:

I love it.

SPEAKER_15:

But he can't help but think. Think about dear Margaret, who he left at home.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh my love. Margaret, I'd miss you so.

SPEAKER_14:

I'm just a memory in your head right now. I'm just a memory in your head. Oh, Margaret. That's the name of our song that we had together when we were well.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, oh, it was a it was a beautiful day when we were wed, and now it seems like a bad song choice in hindsight.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, I pied. You got on the ship and left me on shore. I was very sad. I had no cure for my broken heart. You love the sea more than me.

SPEAKER_15:

The first officer walks in.

SPEAKER_06:

Hello, Captain. What I'm sorry, did I interrupt you, Captain?

SPEAKER_07:

I wasn't crying. What are you talking about? I would never insinuate such a thing, sir.

SPEAKER_15:

The first officer has a fantastic beard and can't help playing with it. The captain can't help but notice it either.

SPEAKER_07:

Are you distracted by the my newly oiled beard, sir?

SPEAKER_04:

It is impressive. I'm sure that keeps your lower face warm. Yeah. Out on the open sea Captain, I came to tell you something. Where the cold wings blow, yes.

SPEAKER_16:

The first officer has a secret.

SPEAKER_15:

He's heard some rumblings, a rumor of of something afoot.

SPEAKER_07:

Well, yes, out with it, man. Captain, there's something amiss on the ship. Not only have I heard rumor of two stowaway, but some of the money that we're supposed to be transporting is missing.

SPEAKER_15:

The captain starts to drool.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh Captain, are you okay?

SPEAKER_14:

You took all my money on the boat. You said it'd be safe. I really hope you keep my money safe. My dowry, my love.

SPEAKER_07:

Captain, you're you're sobbing to a hum of a very nice tune. What is that tune you're sobbing?

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, it's just something that my wife wrote for our wedding.

SPEAKER_07:

Ah, yes, your dear Margaret.

SPEAKER_14:

Don't ever lose my money, my dear love dear. Cause if you do, you won't be my dear. Remember that as you're sailing on the sea. Should I like you?

SPEAKER_07:

Should I wait for you to get out of these little fugue states you're in?

SPEAKER_04:

It's going to happen.

SPEAKER_07:

Uh meanwhile, in first class, two lovely dames were sunning themselves on the deck.

SPEAKER_09:

Bejeweled were their hands. Long and high were their hairstyles.

SPEAKER_07:

Oiled was their skin as they set about on their summer cruise.

SPEAKER_05:

Would the lovely ladies, these beautiful dames, enjoy a delicious uh spritzer some variations?

SPEAKER_14:

I would love one. I would love one as well.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes.

SPEAKER_15:

Martha? Yes. How much oil is too much oil on one skin? There's never enough oil. I'll put more on then. Yeah. What's the harm?

SPEAKER_09:

Martha and Constantine. Sisters, they were rich sisters.

SPEAKER_07:

Going out for a summer cruise.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, it's just so wonderful to be back on the ocean. Where we belong. Where we rightfully belong. And we will be discovered. We will be discovered.

SPEAKER_05:

One spritzer for the oily lady. That's me. And another spritzer for the woman that leaves the trail of oils behind.

SPEAKER_07:

That is I. Neither was married, which at this time period was the most important fact about both of them.

SPEAKER_05:

Will you two single women charge it to some man on the land?

SPEAKER_16:

Charge it to some man on the land? How dare you! Yes, to our father. Okay.

SPEAKER_05:

One daddy's prison.

SPEAKER_14:

Next week we turn 24.

SPEAKER_07:

They were the oldest women on this cruise. Ancient by some people's standards.

SPEAKER_14:

Menopause, which hasn't been discovered quite yet. It's just around the corner, isn't it? Yes, and I believe in a couple of years I'm going to get a gray hair.

SPEAKER_05:

Were you too old hags enjoy a fan? Or something else?

SPEAKER_14:

I don't need a fan, not yet, but a couple of years.

SPEAKER_16:

A couple of years I shall have discovered. I've heard you need a fan in an ice bath.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes.

SPEAKER_16:

Say, what is your name, boy?

SPEAKER_14:

My name is Mr. V. He seems unsure of it.

SPEAKER_15:

There's a question mark at the end of his sentence there.

SPEAKER_09:

Mr. Me was 73 years young.

SPEAKER_07:

Just a spry young chicken in the eyes of that society.

SPEAKER_05:

I was born on this boat! I just wanted you to know that.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes, well, I would like for you to know if you see any eligible bachelors that are looking for slightly older women. Okay. We two are available.

SPEAKER_16:

We're very available, even though we're very old. Inside and outside.

SPEAKER_05:

I will begin a search for two handsome young men for the aged women.

SPEAKER_14:

Thank you so much, Mr. B. This is going to be so wonderful. I think only good things are going to come to us, Constantine. Me too.

SPEAKER_07:

The engines roared and the ship got underway. Out! On to the open.

SPEAKER_13:

Woo! We're really cruising now! Oh yeah, the wind in my hair! Nothing could possibly go wrong. Nothing, crew. Nothing at all.

SPEAKER_07:

Meanwhile, on the main gambling deck, a group of rowdy mare dwells were shouting and playing dyes, getting drunk and yelling at the dealers. They all wore the same red checkered vests and black and white striped pants.

SPEAKER_08:

Hey dealer.

SPEAKER_07:

Hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey, hey what?

SPEAKER_08:

Hey Dealer!

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, you first.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah. Dummy.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah, hey, hey dealer. Hey dealer. Hey dealer. You two have never been on a cruise before, have you? No. Dice. Yahtzee!

SPEAKER_05:

Give me the money now!

SPEAKER_07:

You haven't put down any money so far. You've gotta put down money first, and then you can gamble something.

SPEAKER_05:

Do you have a little money?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, I got a couple coins.

SPEAKER_07:

I got some coins. The two Nair Dewells looked to be below age, wearing nothing but t-shirts representing off-colored music of the era, had large foreheads and braces on their teeth. Don't I know you two from somewhere else?

SPEAKER_08:

You can have three guesses, and if you guess right, we'll say yes.

SPEAKER_07:

So I get three guesses, and if I guess right, you I'll you'll say yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll say no if you guess anymore. Alright. And it's correct. Cletus and backheads.

SPEAKER_08:

No! You're dumb.

SPEAKER_07:

No, you're dumb. You're so dumb.

SPEAKER_05:

Yachty. Uh double. Monopoly.

SPEAKER_07:

I'm just a man trying to make his way on this boat, alright?

SPEAKER_09:

I don't have time for Nairduells. Come in here, ruining my game, scaring off my customers.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, geez, mister, we're sorry. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_07:

The pit boss walked over.

SPEAKER_02:

If you two aren't gonna put money down. Oh no. You need to get out of here. Oh no, it's the pit boss.

SPEAKER_05:

Uh pit boss, a really scary pitball.

SPEAKER_08:

A really scary pit ball.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm scared of the pit ball.

SPEAKER_08:

We're so scary, you pit ball!

SPEAKER_05:

Terrified of the pit ball. Why are you so scary? I'm horrified by the pit ball. You're so scary! I'm horrified! I'm gonna have a nightmare! You've already said that. That's my cat. I just You're re you're as scary as a cat! Yeah. And I'm terrified of those. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

How'd you get so scary, pit boss? Yeah, good. I've been on this cruise ship for a long, long time.

SPEAKER_07:

The server wasn't the only one who had been born on the boat. Hey, hey, Cletus.

SPEAKER_16:

Yeah, yeah, baghead. Oh.

unknown:

Alright.

SPEAKER_05:

How about we how about we put some our coins down and then gamble? So because so the bit the bit boss. Do it. Three, two, three, two, one, three, two, one. Three, two, one. Coins down.

SPEAKER_08:

Coins down, bit boss. Bitboss. Our coins. You're so s the way you're glaring at me is so freaking scary.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Because you lost. What? What?

SPEAKER_02:

I'm taking all your money.

SPEAKER_03:

What we had! No!

SPEAKER_02:

It's all we had! That's terrifying! I said that again! Get out of here! And go where? We're on a ship! Yeah. I don't know, but not in here. Give us a job or something! Yeah, can we have a job? You could scrub the floors! Alright, everyone's got a scrubbing.

SPEAKER_08:

I love having a purpose in life.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, get to it. Maybe I'll give you your coins back.

Chuck Cotterman:

The crew on the food will record with our second act in just a moment. But first, folks, a word from our sponsor, and we thank you for taking a moment to listen to Kentucky Blue, the product that's made for you. It slices, it rices, it twices, and we can't describe exactly what it is. With four edges and several sides, Kentucky Blue is the perfect way to keep your laundry clean and your car's engine running smoothly. It needs no maintenance, and even if it did, We could not tell you how to complete it. The most revolutionary product in modern American history, Kentucky Blue, is a mystery to everyone who sells it. But it won't stay that way for long. The magic product, loved by housewives, train engineers, lifeguards, and mayors of mid-sized small towns. Kentucky Blue, a product so good we legally can't describe it to you. And now, everyone, the improvised golden age radio players are back with the second act of The Crew on the Cruise.

SPEAKER_04:

On the Lido deck, people were mingling around, uh having a nice time. Davy and Jimmy, the boys from Kentucky, popped their heads up from steerage and looked around furtively. They knew they weren't supposed to be here, but they were willing to take a chance.

SPEAKER_06:

Boy, this is the life, Uncle Davy. Here we are on a boat.

SPEAKER_07:

I've never been on a boat before. Oh, a lot of high-class types in here. Yeah, you look nervous, Uncle Davy. It's making me real nervous. What for? Well, I've never been around. I know I talked to big game back in Louisville. But I've actually never been around any high-class types before. What do you mean? You told me you worked downtown at the Capitol. Yeah, that's what I told you.

SPEAKER_12:

What I actually did was shovel potatoes.

SPEAKER_04:

What? Yeah, I was a potato shoveler. Alright? Uncle Davy continues to wipe his hands on his shirt and his brow, sweating profusely from his hands. Doesn't know where to put his hands. What do I do with these things?

SPEAKER_07:

I don't know, but you're getting you're getting your greasy rubs all over your shirt. We're not gonna fit in. Look, Uncle Davy, relax. No one knows who we are. We can be anybody we wanna be. That's true. That's true. Well, look at those two dames over there. Why why we could talk to them, then they don't know. We could be from anywhere. Yeah, we could be the potato barons of Kentucky.

SPEAKER_04:

Those two elderly dames that he was talking about, nearly 24, were talking amongst one another.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, and then you just put it in the basket. Yeah, I know. I didn't realize you knew that. Yes, I did.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh boy, I never talked to a woman before. Well, you've talked to family members that are women. Holy crap. I never thought about it like that. Well, technically true! Technically true. Okay, I can do this. Yeah. Alright, let's go. Let's go. Let's go over there. All right.

SPEAKER_13:

Oh, and then if you don't put it in the basket, we can take it out. Wow.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, hi! Hello.

SPEAKER_13:

Oh, hello. Hello.

SPEAKER_07:

So, what's for dinner? No, that's what I would ask mom.

SPEAKER_11:

Oh.

SPEAKER_07:

You'll have to excuse my nephew here.

SPEAKER_12:

He doesn't have a lot of experience.

SPEAKER_14:

No, actually, we know exactly where we're going to dinner.

SPEAKER_12:

Oh.

SPEAKER_14:

We're going to the first class lounge, Rico Benny's.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh. Oh. Oh. I can hear them charging people for the people as we speak.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes. We've been going there almost every day. Every day. The chef knows us by name.

SPEAKER_07:

And you order.

SPEAKER_14:

And you pay for those meals after you're done eating them? Of course not. Our father pays. He prepaid for every meal.

SPEAKER_04:

The boys hadn't eaten since they were on the road. And they were starting to feel the hunger.

SPEAKER_07:

I am extremely hungry.

SPEAKER_12:

Yes, yes. Well, well, why don't we all, being of equal social status, go to said restaurant and uh and eat together?

SPEAKER_14:

Why, we'd love to love that. However, we'd like to know, um, are either of you engaged to be married? Or are either of you married?

SPEAKER_07:

No, no. What we are is a couple of business partners from Kentucky.

SPEAKER_14:

Business partners. What kind of business are you in?

SPEAKER_07:

We run the potato business. Anyone's got a potato from Kentucky, it goes through us.

SPEAKER_14:

Power. That's right.

SPEAKER_04:

The two couples stroll toward the restaurant.

SPEAKER_16:

And then if you put it out of the basket, you can always get it back in if you want to pick it up later. Did you know that? We haven't even gotten names yet.

SPEAKER_07:

Uncle Davy, this is gonna be amazing. We haven't eaten since we left Kentucky. I know. I'm really hungry, but I'm also really excited about just talking to people. This is amazing.

SPEAKER_14:

All right, here it is.

SPEAKER_07:

Rico Benny's. Well, it is amazing how that happens. You can hear the cashier after every time you say the name of the restaurant.

SPEAKER_09:

A lot of people checking out.

SPEAKER_16:

Say, what's your name?

SPEAKER_07:

Why, I'm James!

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, you hesitated a bit too much there.

SPEAKER_12:

He's James the Third.

SPEAKER_06:

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

SPEAKER_12:

And I'm uh uh David.

SPEAKER_04:

David Goliath! Uncle Davy avoided shaking hands.

SPEAKER_07:

Yep, this is my business partner, David Goliath, and I'm James the Third.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, my name is Martha. And my name is Constantine. We're sisters.

SPEAKER_07:

Sisters?

SPEAKER_14:

Yes.

SPEAKER_07:

Wow. Well, should we get a table or run into the kitchen and grab whatever we can?

SPEAKER_09:

A table! Let's get a table! Let's get a table.

SPEAKER_08:

No need. We have our own table set up over there.

SPEAKER_07:

Oh, just for two, huh? I was thinking maybe we could all eat together.

SPEAKER_14:

We love sitting on laps.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh this is moving really fast. Meanwhile, the first mate went to go speak to a shady figure. In a shady part of a shady ship.

unknown:

Hey.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes.

SPEAKER_07:

You got the stuff.

SPEAKER_14:

I do.

SPEAKER_07:

She had the stuff. I have the money. He had the money.

SPEAKER_14:

You do?

SPEAKER_07:

He did. I do.

SPEAKER_14:

Great.

SPEAKER_07:

Fabulous. It was.$4,400, just like you asked for.

SPEAKER_14:

Amazing. Well, you're gonna put it in that hole right there in the bottom of the ship. And then when it's time, I'll make this motion.

SPEAKER_05:

She started to wave her arms around in an elaborate way. Then her arms went up, then they went down, and they went all around. Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning.

SPEAKER_07:

And then she never stopped. And then she stopped. Alright, quit hokeying and poking. I get it. You're gonna wave your hands around like a bird and do a spinny dance.

SPEAKER_05:

Then he started to do it. Exactly like this. He started to put his hands. No, not like that. He put his hands out to the side, then up, then all around. Then he kept spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning forever and ever until he stopped.

SPEAKER_14:

Yes. And once that happens, then you will run down here. You will grab the money out of the hole, and you and I will leave this ship. And leave them only with a hole in a ship.

SPEAKER_07:

Alright, just to recap, you have a made-a-hole in the bottom of the ship. Yes. We're gonna plug it with cash. Yes. And then when you give me the sign, water was already starting to bubble up. Oh yeah, okay. Let's jam the cash in the hole while we're talking about the plants.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, exactly, so that it doesn't get water on us.

SPEAKER_07:

Right. Okay, so the hole is plugged by cash. Yes. And then what water was already up to their ankles at this point.

SPEAKER_14:

And then once I do the dance, you'll come grab the cash, and we will leave with the cash, and everybody else will leave or not leave.

SPEAKER_07:

Is it just me or is this not working?

SPEAKER_12:

Uh Captain! Captain! Captain! What? Uh don't mean to interrupt you, but uh I noticed an alarming amount of hooligans on this cruise. Why I already had fifty dollars taken out of my suit coats only earlier today.

SPEAKER_04:

Well, m m Mr. Thorgensen, uh you are a very uh treasured guest uh on this boat, and I I I can assure you that uh anything is amiss or Captain, uh I don't mean to uh be rude, but have you been crying?

SPEAKER_12:

What? Well, I can see uh why would I cry? What would I have to cry about? Well, I don't know the reason, but I can see that you're crying right now as you're talking to me.

SPEAKER_14:

I won't be able to see your tears when you're out on the boat. I wish you'd come home, but you won't. You love the sea more than me. I can see that. Are you still in the conversation, Captain? You had loved me like you promised you would do.

SPEAKER_07:

Several minutes elapsed while Thurgood Thorgensen watched the captain in another state of trance.

SPEAKER_12:

Captain, you seem to have soiled yourself as we were talking.

SPEAKER_13:

Come home, Daddy.

SPEAKER_04:

It's uh it's uh merely a defensive measure. Uh uh there are pirates in these waters, and uh we have to be careful. Uh they won't take a hostage that's uh I need your love not continent.

SPEAKER_07:

And now, as the captain spoke, Thurgood was distracted by the song that his daughter had last sang to him.

SPEAKER_14:

You said you'd come home. But it's been ten years.

SPEAKER_04:

That's the idea, Thorgensen.

SPEAKER_12:

Yes, soil yourself just like that. Just like that. You see, I am haunted by mistakes that I made, and I think I can recognize that look on another man's face. We uh we live the life that we choose. Yes. I think you'll find that if you just drink yourself uh into a stupor, uh-huh, uh you won't care nearly as much about any of those mistakes.

SPEAKER_14:

Meanwhile, uh scrubbing the floor, the two hooligans! Oh hey, hey, hey, hey, what? Hey, pig links!

SPEAKER_08:

I'm scrubbing.

SPEAKER_14:

You scrubbing? I'm scrubbing. Oh, I'm scrubbing. This feels good. Good work, good hardware feels good, and they touched the floor. They realized they hadn't put water on it, but there was water there.

SPEAKER_05:

What the How is there water already on the floor? This is my first time on a boat. How is this happening?

SPEAKER_08:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_05:

Do we have magical power? We are magic! We've been doing incredible deeds!

SPEAKER_08:

Wow! We've made up for all the bad things we did on land and at sea.

SPEAKER_05:

We did all sorts of criminal acts. We know so bad. God has smiled upon us.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, praise be. And as I spoke of nonsense, their pants began to get wet. Oh, holy smokes. Am I peeing my pants?

SPEAKER_05:

I think I've also peeing my pants, but I don't feel the feeling of peeing my top. Oh my god, we're magical creatures! Also, it's cold. It's so cold. It's it's very strange.

SPEAKER_08:

Jeez, I'm starting to lose feeling in my toes. I've never peed cold before.

SPEAKER_05:

If you're touched by God, are you meant to not have any feeling in your torso?

SPEAKER_02:

Then it was up to their waist. Wow. Whoa!

SPEAKER_05:

Whoa, this is like a bath! Hey, Cletus! I feel like I'm starting to like tread water a little bit.

SPEAKER_07:

As the water level rose on Cletus and Mutthead, we take you to Rico Benny's where the dining was just beginning. Oh these are amazing uh cheeses. Yes, I've I've never had so much cheese.

SPEAKER_15:

Oh, surely you can name them, being of a high class that you are.

SPEAKER_07:

She held out a plate of several cheeses. Uh yellow cheese. That one is a that's a blue, that's a Kentucky blue cheese.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, I'm sitting in order. Martha, this is amazing. I feel like we have so much in common. Um, what do you two enjoy doing for fun?

SPEAKER_07:

Um, being wealthy. Yes, yes. That's up there. Pastime of mine. That's up there. Uh um uh uh uh sneaking, or I mean going aboard ships. Also, shuttlecock. We love to play shuttlecock. Beans of sweat started to drip down Davy Goliath's face. Uh you're sweating! Yeah, I uh here, take my sleeve. Oh, oh uh oh, I I guess I'm not feeling too well. I I should probably go back to our very large cabin that we have.

SPEAKER_14:

No, no, please don't, please don't. We can take care of you. We'll take we've got a guys, we've got a spare. Constantine, give him your shirt. Oh, absolutely, here it is.

SPEAKER_07:

She removed her blouse. Whoa, but here it's another blouse. Oh, thank God.

SPEAKER_14:

I always have to. Do you need a blouse?

SPEAKER_05:

Let's just say yes. She's so good at her. She removed her blouse to reveal another blouse.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes, I uh have many blouses on. Jenny, we got ladies with multiple blouses. We hit the jackpot!

SPEAKER_07:

We hit the jackpot over here. Not just if you can figure out what to do with your hands and stop being so nervous.

SPEAKER_13:

Here, come in the cheese. Hold my hand. Hold on.

SPEAKER_05:

His hand got stuck in some of the cheese. He tried to hold her hand. Oh no, but they were cheese covered.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, gosh. Oh, no, I've got cheese all over my second blouse.

SPEAKER_05:

She removed her blouse! It's coming off to reveal another blouse. Oh, third blouse.

SPEAKER_14:

I have cheese all over my pants. Because I'm a progressive woman who wears pants.

SPEAKER_05:

She removed her pants to reveal very conservative skirts.

SPEAKER_07:

Very lovely dinner, ladies, but I I think we've gotta be going now, right, James?

SPEAKER_15:

Wait just a minute. If you're as high class as we are, you should have an underblouse on as well. And underpants.

SPEAKER_14:

Off with it.

SPEAKER_05:

They thought deeply, realizing that neither of them were wearing underpants.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh take off your shirt. Take off your pants.

SPEAKER_07:

Jimmy, I think it's time we come clean. Oh god. This could ruin the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Ladies, we got something to admit to you. We uh we're maybe not quite as high class as we made ourselves out to be. In fact, uh I'm I only have one shirt on right now. The entire restaurant stopped.

SPEAKER_05:

Everyone turned their heads. You could hear several layers of fabric as they turned.

SPEAKER_07:

And I I don't even own any underpants. A woman dropped her glass in shock. And I don't know if you can tell from our accents, but we're not even from Kentucky.

Chuck Cotterman:

Ladies and gentlemen, the crew on the clues will be back with their exciting conclusion after this. But first, another word from our sponsor. Folks, people keep walking up to me and asking about Kentucky Blue. What can it do for me? They ask, and I say, friend, it can do a hundred things you haven't even thought of. Even be cheese for your sandwich. How much does it cost? Why just a dollar a parcel? Too cheap to pass up, if you ask me or your local locksmith. And what exactly is Kentucky Blue? I cannot tell you. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but that's information I'm technically not allowed to give out. The sponsor has given me extra express instructions not to give any concrete details about Kentucky Blue. Except for the fact that it's endorsed by every one of your favorite baseball teams from Chicago to New Jersey. Kentucky Blue, it's the essential item you didn't know you've always needed. Buy it today, and if you figure out what it is, please don't say. And now the exciting conclusion to the crew on the cruise with the improvised golden age radio. Players, put your hands together.

SPEAKER_07:

Macon, the 73-year-old Bellhop, wandered through the halls. My young old bones. Mumbling to himself as he made his nightly rounds. Uh go comes go. Only one last chamber below deck to check to make sure everything was a-okay. These stairs never get easier. What was this? What? Water leaking from underneath the door. As this whole bottom deck is submerged. That's not normal for a boat. He scrambled over to the one door where people might have been and he tried to open it.

SPEAKER_05:

Scrambling was really difficult for me to do. Twisting, fighting the water pressure.

SPEAKER_07:

Suddenly it opened in a fury. And it wasn't just him. There was two bodies in the water.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, it's his two Nerdwells. Oh. It appears that they have drowned. Did someone murder them or were they drowned?

SPEAKER_07:

Maybe I scramble to report back to the captain. Oh, I've been scrambling too much!

SPEAKER_15:

The captain sits alone in his captain chair. No one else can fit on that chair with the captain.

SPEAKER_05:

Captain.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh yes, yes.

SPEAKER_05:

Would you like a spritzer first? I have some news. Or a whiskey sour, as I know that's your. But can I spritz it a little bit? Oh, what the heck? I'm sorry I'm killing time. There is something very important I need to tell you.

SPEAKER_15:

The captain closes his notebook slowly. He doesn't like anyone to see his thoughts or plans.

SPEAKER_05:

Hey, what are you closing there? Your thoughts and plans?

SPEAKER_04:

Just a little bit of privacy, you know. Oh sort of thing. Okay.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh now.

SPEAKER_04:

You have news.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh yeah, yes, yes, I have news.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, this is delicious.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, I've made a very good whiskey sour spritz.

SPEAKER_15:

The captain chugs it in one big chug.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes. Now I'm remembering there's a thing. It keeps it going down. We're all gonna die! Oh yeah, and I also found two dead bodies.

SPEAKER_02:

Meanwhile, down in the bottom deck, swimming along, the mysterious figure meets up. It does the dance.

SPEAKER_07:

The signal. Honey, do you see it?

SPEAKER_16:

They're go the hands are going. The signal, this is the signal.

SPEAKER_02:

Take the money and let's go.

SPEAKER_06:

Alright, I'm headed down below to get the money that was clogging the hole.

SPEAKER_02:

Here, let me throw you a mask so you could swim underwater.

SPEAKER_07:

Perfect. I don't know why I'd need that since the money is obviously clogging the hole like we planned.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

Our plan is working!

SPEAKER_07:

Alright, honey, I'll be back. Then we'll escape.

SPEAKER_12:

What an idiot! What an idiot I am! Coming onto the ship thinking I could be some kind of big shot. Um I'm just a phony, I'm a fraud!

SPEAKER_14:

No, you're not! I'm in love with you!

SPEAKER_07:

Martha!

SPEAKER_14:

Yes!

SPEAKER_07:

You followed me all the way down here to the steerage where I've been hiding out.

SPEAKER_14:

I did.

SPEAKER_15:

There's Martha is still Um W with only one layer of clothing.

SPEAKER_12:

Oh, dude, you better cover up.

SPEAKER_07:

You're only wearing one blouse, one skirt! Here, have this dirty old rag!

SPEAKER_14:

Thank you so much! I I wanted to let you know I heard the ship is going down and there's a lifeboat! There's enough room for you and I to get on it.

SPEAKER_12:

What?

SPEAKER_14:

Will you come with me?

SPEAKER_12:

That's right. My nephew Jimmy!

SPEAKER_16:

Uncle Davy looks around his room. Looks at what he could bring.

SPEAKER_12:

There's not much. Basically nothing.

SPEAKER_14:

You and I would make a perfect match. Don't worry. Constantine has gone after your nephew. Maybe they'll make it.

SPEAKER_07:

Meanwhile, Constantine was running down the hall.

SPEAKER_11:

Hi.

SPEAKER_07:

Hi, you're out of breath. I've just been standing here.

SPEAKER_16:

Haven't you heard? The ship is going down.

SPEAKER_07:

Yeah. Yeah, I heard.

SPEAKER_16:

Wait, wait, you're playing it kind of cool. You're playing it a little too cool.

SPEAKER_07:

It's my time.

SPEAKER_16:

Wait.

SPEAKER_07:

No, we've come too far.

SPEAKER_16:

No!

SPEAKER_07:

I can't go back and make a fool of myself.

SPEAKER_16:

No! No, I no, she can't get sick, Mary, and I don't get I have to watch somebody die.

SPEAKER_07:

Wait, what are you talking about? This was all this about me.

SPEAKER_14:

Constantine, over here, there's enough room in the lifeboat for you. And whoever you want to bring with you. Come with us. There's enough room for two of us. Hurry! It's already up to my waist.

SPEAKER_07:

We have to go. I'm gonna stay on the ship and die.

SPEAKER_13:

Why? Why are you suicidal? Why didn't you why did I have to get the one that was suicidal? Martha, wait!

SPEAKER_05:

Water was coming up to their necks.

SPEAKER_07:

I'm gonna I'm just gonna sink myself now.

SPEAKER_14:

Guess I'll die in old hag. It was nice knowing you, Constantine. Martha!

SPEAKER_07:

Down in the ship's belly, the captain stumbled through the wet holiday.

SPEAKER_09:

Bracing himself against the walls, trying to make it! Trying to make one last stand against this sinking rotten ship!

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, there's only one thing for me to do! Uh, to go down with this ship. Oh, my beloved wife! Oh, I will miss you.

SPEAKER_05:

Would you like a drink, sir?

SPEAKER_04:

Spritz, sir. A drink? But just seawater. There's a lot of it, sir. You you you've always been on this boat. Yes. I think I will have a drink.

SPEAKER_05:

I'll mix it up for you, sir.

SPEAKER_07:

As he mixed the drink, the captain looked and saw what seemed to be a vision of his wife. But this vision was different. He always saw visions of his wife, but this one seemed more real, more tangible.

SPEAKER_05:

Captain, should I mix a drink for your wife as well? I see her.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm behind you right here. You you see her too? My dear! My darling! You're not my dear or my darling anymore. What?

SPEAKER_06:

Captain, it's me, your first officer.

unknown:

What?

SPEAKER_06:

And I fell in love with your wife a long time ago.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh we're taking my dowry.

SPEAKER_03:

And we're taking the last lifeboat. It's that damn rakish beard.

SPEAKER_07:

That's the I should have grown a beard. That's why she fell in love with me at first sight.

SPEAKER_05:

I'm sorry I shaved your beard every morning, Captain. It just seemed very bellhoppish.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes, and I I thought that a sea captain with a beard is kind of cliche. Yes, I agree.

SPEAKER_07:

The water creeped up farther. Now, going above their waists.

SPEAKER_05:

Would the two of you like a spritzer of some varietum?

SPEAKER_06:

We don't need a drink. We need the captain to take a drink.

SPEAKER_07:

The last drink of his life.

SPEAKER_04:

Wait. Near far. Wherever you are. I know that my heart will go on. What's he talking about, babe? I have no idea.

SPEAKER_07:

Began to play in the captain's head. A melody. A melody faint but clear.

SPEAKER_03:

Here. Give him this door to hold on to.

SPEAKER_07:

The captain's face slipped beneath the waves. Darkening as it fell down, down into the ocean depths.

SPEAKER_14:

I'll stay with your first mate every day. Goodbye, you man who left me on show.

SPEAKER_07:

I had no idea you could sing like that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, I'm gonna be a jazz singer. What?

SPEAKER_07:

I was already in love with you. Let's get out of here. We can still escape. I guess I'll just stay here.

SPEAKER_14:

Goodbye, everyone! To a new life!

SPEAKER_07:

You're gonna go down with the ship too? Well, I don't know anything else. And I'll just climb up to one of the steam stacks and just hope someone finds me. Alright, Belha. Let's go on. But that jet just before they left, they also saw the man narrating the scene and realized maybe there was a spot on the lifeboat for him, too. I don't know. I haven't seen the lifeboat situation myself. There's enough room for everybody except for these two. Uh narrator, what do you want to do?

SPEAKER_06:

By the lighthouse, uh by the lifeboats, even though there was enough for everybody, a scene of chaos evolved.

SPEAKER_07:

People shouting and pushing, shoving.

SPEAKER_14:

Look, everybody! We've made it onto the lifeboat. Look over there. All you could see is the tip of the ship. A ship tip.

SPEAKER_07:

As the last of the ships submerged, plopping up and down, up and down until it finally did not resubmerge again. A whirlpool formed and pulled down all the remnants of the shrapnel that used to be the boat.

SPEAKER_15:

Well, what now? Just a bunch of survivors. Bunch of strangers. Yes.

SPEAKER_14:

Guess we'll have to start anew. Do you guys want to go to a Cubs game?

Chuck Cotterman:

And thus, we need to let the end with Blue on the Blues. Except for those that escaped. Let's give them a round of applause. Everyone, you're cast.

SPEAKER_09:

Kelly Hurton, Philip Hamler, Ashley Writers, Ben Vegan, Joe Hart, Eric Peterson, we have Kate and Schnitty on the folder. And over on the sounds of the future, and me, your host, Chuck Copperman.

Chuck Cotterman:

Everyone, the creators of Kentucky Blue, thank you for joining us here at the Second City's dining skybox theater. And because you're a very special audience, our sponsor would be happy to share a detail with you. Kentucky Blue is Orange.

SPEAKER_07:

Kentucky Blue is Orange? I didn't see that coming. Tonight's show starred Philip Amler as Uncle Davy Goliath, the car dealer, and Mr. Dorgens. Shelby Hurton as the captain's wife, Martha the Rich Oily Sister, and the Fit Boss. Joe Hartstein as the captain and other miscreants. Eric Peterson played the damn fool nephew, the first officer, and various schools. Ashley Whitehurst played Constantine the Oily Sister and the Nair Douwell. Ben Beachin played the opening narrator, Mr. B and the Nair to Wells. We'll have more live shows in 2026. If you're enjoying the podcast, please like and subscribe everywhere you can. Check Improviseradio.com or follow Improviseradio Show on Instagram for more show details.