Improvised Golden Age Radio

Le Creme Noir (Or the Powers That Be)

• IGAR • Season 1 • Episode 10

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0:00 | 59:29

A leech loving scientist posing as an OBGYN just might not be the worst doctor in town... extra hilarious episode, please check out our upcoming live shows at iO at www.improvisedradio.com

Crew -

  • Chuck Cotterman - Host
  • Katlin Schneider - Proudction
  • Ed Zak - Foley Table

Cast - 

  • Joe Hartenstein - Jessica’s Husband, Jimmy the Bartender 
  • Carly Olson - Helen the Telekenetic Nurse, Frederique the French Leech, Becky the Travel Agent
  • Jordan Reichardt -  The Straight Forward Psychologist , Milton the Milkmen
  • Ben Vigent - Opening Narrator, Dr.Mcdreamy the OBGYN, 
  • Ashley Whitehurt - Jessica the Human, Jessica the Leech
  • Eric Pedersen - Dr. Seymour Powers, Michelle the Leech

Theme Music: Mark Rose www.downwrite.com 

Here's a silly AI recap of the episode:

Step into a crackling world where vintage radio charm meets razor-sharp improv. We stage a full golden age broadcast—complete with foley, sponsor jingles, and a pompous announcer—and build a heartfelt, absurd mystery around Dr. Seymour Powers, a not-quite-licensed OBGYN who swears by medieval cures and keeps leeches like family. When Jessica arrives determined to keep her pregnancy secret from a well-connected spouse, the clinic becomes a crossroads for agency, love, and the strange comforts of confidence without competence.

As the story unfolds, Helen the telekinetic nurse proves she sees everything; Milton the milkman rations dairy and gossip with equal menace; and Becky, a feminist travel agent who always wanted to pilot, finally takes the cockpit. Between witty “Johnson’s Jalopies” ads and a bartender’s deadpan advice, mustard poultices stand in for medicine, leeches sing doo-wop, and a city’s worth of characters pile into a plane that somehow becomes a chapel. Along the way, we dig into the real stuff—who gets to decide, how power masks as tradition, why being seen can rewrite a life—and we do it with a smile and a chorus.

By the time vows are exchanged at cruising altitude and a candy addiction is “cured” by community, you’ll have laughed at the nonsense and felt the truth underneath it: authority is often a performance, and care is something we make together. If you love improvised comedy, old-time radio vibes, feminist humor, eccentric doctors, and joyful chaos that lands with heart, this one’s for you.

Enjoy the ride and keep the jalopy running: subscribe, share with a friend who needs a laugh, and leave a quick review telling us your favorite moment from the flight.

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SPEAKER_15:

A quick note there are some audio issues with us interacting with the audience of this episode. It doesn't last the whole episode, so you can skip straight to the Improv if you don't like how it sounds. The suggestions have to do with drinking coffee late, leeches, a birthday, a flight from California, and an old broken classic car.

SPEAKER_12:

And the researchers found that asbestos is no more dangerous than colorful, delicious lead paint. You're listening to KIGAR radio. Don't touch that dial. You have no idea what it does.

SPEAKER_15:

Staged and performed in the full style of a classic old-time radio broadcast. Today's show was recorded on August 4th, 2024 at the Bug House Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Come see us live at the Iowa Theater in the middle of three Saturdays of January 2026 at 6 p.m. See ImprovisedRadio.com for more details on live shows when Freeman Doncom comes with Mexico and Chicago and Deutschland Point. Take it away, Chuck.

SPEAKER_00:

Ben Vijent and Jordan Rychock.

SPEAKER_10:

I got everybody this time. Now the previous uh program is wrapping up, and that's our Saturday Sunday news hour. Uh they are getting all of the wonderful and depressing news from around the world. And while they do that, I'm going to go ahead and talk to the audience. I'd like to find out a little bit about all of you. And oh, I'll I think I'll come to you first, man. Now, my question for everyone today is uh with the wonderful things going on in town, to this weekend we had our Lollapalooza. And coming up in just a few weeks, the Democratic National Convention. Wonderful reasons to come to Chicago. So my question for all of you is is there a dangerous or foolish thing that you've done this weekend or summer, or perhaps this year?

SPEAKER_07:

And uh as promised, Mad Well, um, as was before I have a small flat white piece of coffee drink from the future.

SPEAKER_11:

Oh, hi, flat white. Um was it sparkling before?

SPEAKER_07:

Um it's fine. Coffee. It's pretty dangerous.

SPEAKER_11:

Uh I will notify the EMTs. Yes, yes. They're on the scene for every broadcast just to make sure in case there's a split, a fall, or a coffee reaction. Um coffee past 5 p.m. Truly daring. I assume somewhere from uh South America, uh wonderfully.

SPEAKER_17:

Um actually it's from France.

SPEAKER_01:

I can say copy and dark roof style. Well, we will all be watching you to make sure that you stay with it. Excellent. And uh Miz, what what dangerous performance thing have you done this year? This year. This year. Oh my gosh. I know you seem you seem hard pressed to come up with this weekend, so I've only just landed in Chicago, so it's Chicago explain.

SPEAKER_04:

Just give me a plane that's crazy.

SPEAKER_11:

That's very dangerous. I've heard things falling off of planes. Yeah. Candy makes a man crazy, obviously. I assume that the candy had absolutely nothing next to it with it.

SPEAKER_04:

What a future crazy. My umbrella.

SPEAKER_01:

Excellent. A little marriage.

SPEAKER_04:

I'm gonna put a mischief and then fly back.

SPEAKER_17:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

She confirms it, everyone. Uh Matt, are you looking for recently?

SPEAKER_11:

Uh I stayed at 3 a.m.

unknown:

3 a.m.?

SPEAKER_11:

That's not Friday a.m. anymore. You stayed up. That's still Saturday. We are into Saturday. All the programs are off the air. Just stand flying through. What happened did you do? No flights three? No lights.

SPEAKER_07:

No, just uh spending time with friends.

SPEAKER_11:

They all sound like very good friends keeping up the door. Three of you. Good. Alright. I'm gonna come up with you. Please. Anything crazy you've done recently. Something that perhaps risked your life or your money or time.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh man. I mean so many things. Trying to narrow it down. Uh my fiance and I, we just got back from a trip. We were in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin. Dorr County, Wisconsin? Yes. And uh in my we were visiting my dad's side of the family, and in the family they had this old like vintage jeepster. Which every year it's kind of hit or miss if it's gonna be actually running or functioning.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04:

This year it was up and running, so we took a long drive in it, and I'd say that was pretty recipe. Uh it is you're never gonna live that's gonna be the moment it breaks down. I mean the fuel gauge was now to be working, so we couldn't tell how much gas was in it.

SPEAKER_11:

Jumping around in the July Jeeps, sir. Okay. Fantastic. Uh we did come back.

SPEAKER_04:

We did, we made it out of that break.

SPEAKER_11:

Was anyone left before?

SPEAKER_04:

No.

SPEAKER_11:

Oh, okay. I'm glad to know that.

SPEAKER_04:

One minute, one minute till broadcast.

SPEAKER_11:

One minute till broadcast. I have just one more question to ask then. Uh may ask friend, anything crazy or foolish with you? Uh uh I um wanna. I don't know. I I uh uh uh tried to um pick out my cat too many times. As far as I know from modern animal husbandry, you don't touch cats. Um it's simply a no-go. That's right. Fairly domesticated. Just like yeah, basically. And did you use any that you have clearly having comments on the case? Oh yeah. Uh yes, I yeah, yeah. I I actually have uh several um uh uh leeches. No one is using the leeches anymore. Honestly, refreshing to hear that you still want to go. Uh the leeches are the best!

SPEAKER_10:

The safest thing that's been talked about all evening here is that the leeches were used to draw the infection out. Excellent! And with that absolutely thrilling end of our conversation, the broadcast is about to begin. We are sponsored tonight by Johnson's Jalopes. If you would like a car that will almost certainly get you from point A to point B, but then very little else. Johnson's Jalopes has you covered. And Johnson's Jalopes, you know that you will get out the door. From there it's up to you. The WBGH Bughouse players are brought to you by Johnson's Jalopes, and each of them has their own jalopy that they used to get out of the car lot the other day. Not sure what's happened since then. Perhaps we will find out later in the program. But tonight we have on stage Eric Peterson, Joe Hartenstein, Carly Olsen, Jordan Reichhardt, Ashley Whitehurst, Ben Vegan, and on the table, Ed Zach. And our story begins this evening our thrilling tale. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the mystery.

SPEAKER_14:

Wind runs through the cavernous streets, high-rises on both sides. We peer down and see a little sign. Dr. Seymour Powers. Dr. Seymour Powers isn't quite your traditional doctor. Seymour Powers didn't quite get a medical degree. But that's fine. Because Dr. Seymour Powers. We open up the door, a bell jingles. That's right, it's one of those bells. We pass Lucy at the front desk, and there he is, sitting in his little doctor's office, sweating, because he had a 6 p.m. French breast. He looks at his jars, the jars with his friends, the little leeches. Dr. Powers is not a traditional modern doctor. No. He abides by medicine from the medieval times. And a very interesting patient enters today.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh yes, my little jarred friends. It's so nice to spend alone time with you. Hello, bleach number one, Jessica. Oh, Jessica, how have you been? Yes, let me roll you around. Rolling your jar around. I'm glad I'm alone in my little laboratory. If I weren't, I'd hear the bell at the door. Oh, Jessica, you look sleepy. Let me put you down. Oh! Oh! Go to sleep, my sweet beautiful friends. Hello.

SPEAKER_05:

Hello, Doctor. Um, I was told you're the one to see if I have an interesting problem.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, I've been known to be interested in an interesting thing from time to time. What is your name?

SPEAKER_05:

My name is Jessica.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh my god. Excuse me, excuse me, uh Jessica. I'm Dr. Seymour Powers. Welcome.

SPEAKER_05:

It's it's nice to meet you. I went ahead and put on the gown.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, yes, I I see that.

SPEAKER_05:

I wasn't sure if uh But I wasn't sure if I tied it correctly.

SPEAKER_16:

Uh as long as it's very tight, that would be great. Oh, jeez. I'm not used to dealing with people so much. Okay, Jessica, what is your problem?

SPEAKER_05:

Um I'm pregnant. It's not quite a problem. Um it's um I want to keep it.

SPEAKER_16:

You've come to the right place.

SPEAKER_05:

And I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_16:

This is something I can help you with.

SPEAKER_05:

It's a problem because um I don't think my partner wants me to keep it, and I want to keep it.

SPEAKER_16:

Have you heard of psychologists? I have a friend right down the hallway that might be able to engage in couples counseling.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, um, but I would like you to be my OPGYN. I can't go to a traditional one because my partner knows every OPGYN in the town.

SPEAKER_16:

I'm far from a traditional OPGYN. So in that way, again, you've come to the right place. Well, as long as you're okay with an A traditional treatment, uh, you know, happily be your OPGYN.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, I'm I'm I'm fine with it. And um, uh, should I just get on the table?

SPEAKER_16:

Uh no, no, just stand there. I'm just gonna listen to your belly with my stethoscope here. One moment.

SPEAKER_05:

I like I like all your jars. What do you hear, Doctor?

SPEAKER_16:

Uh a chicken? No, I'm just kidding. It's a normal baby crying inside of you. Just like I expected to hear. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

So that's what I've heard they do. They cry.

SPEAKER_16:

Yes, inside and then outside.

SPEAKER_05:

Outside. Since inception, all they do is cry.

SPEAKER_16:

Yes, yes. It means you have a healthy baby.

SPEAKER_05:

Amazing, amazing to hear. How how far along am I? When am I due?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh.

SPEAKER_05:

Surely you can put one of your creatures in the jar on my belly to figure that out.

SPEAKER_16:

Yeah, just j dunking my hand in a jar really quick here. Fishing around, grabbing a leech.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, meat.

SPEAKER_16:

Jessica. Oh, that's Meat Jessica.

SPEAKER_05:

Is it safe to put a leech on my belly?

SPEAKER_16:

Probably. Certainly, one can't do too much harm.

SPEAKER_05:

You know what I trust you, because I can trust no other OPTYN in the town.

SPEAKER_16:

Right, and also you Yes, I'm not one. But you can trust me so far as I've been completely honest.

SPEAKER_05:

You have.

SPEAKER_16:

Let me ask you something.

SPEAKER_05:

Yes.

SPEAKER_16:

Why does your partner your husband?

SPEAKER_05:

Yes.

SPEAKER_16:

Why does he not want you to have a baby?

SPEAKER_05:

It's too early in our marriage, he says. He wants us to travel more.

SPEAKER_16:

I just gotta flick this leech in your stomach from over here.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh no, it's on my chest. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh oh. Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_06:

Doctor. I have a special appointment that I have made for you.

SPEAKER_14:

Excellent.

SPEAKER_06:

It's an appointment that's very private.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, I typically tell everyone every appointment I get. Maybe one day there will be laws about that, but.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I know.

SPEAKER_14:

Until then, my business is your business. That's what it says on my sign.

SPEAKER_08:

I know, and I know that you tell every OBGYUN in the city everything that happens in here.

SPEAKER_14:

I mean, is there another way? We exchange notes.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse.

SPEAKER_14:

Oh, right.

SPEAKER_08:

I wouldn't know anything.

SPEAKER_06:

But I need an appointment with you.

SPEAKER_14:

Helen, wait. Do you want an appointment with me as a nurse and as a patient?

SPEAKER_06:

I want it as a woman.

SPEAKER_14:

I don't quite have the vocabulary to deal with this.

SPEAKER_06:

So I told you it's very private.

SPEAKER_14:

Okay. Well, all right, Helen.

SPEAKER_06:

Yes. Doctor.

SPEAKER_14:

I'm You're the only nurse I have.

SPEAKER_08:

I know. I drove all the rest away.

SPEAKER_14:

You have a certain way about you.

SPEAKER_08:

I do. It's my lazy eye.

SPEAKER_06:

I keep it on everybody.

SPEAKER_14:

It's very impressive.

SPEAKER_06:

I know.

SPEAKER_14:

If I was a different doctor other than an OBGYN, I would try to check it out. But that's just not what I do.

SPEAKER_08:

No, it's basically my superpower. I can be looking at two things at once. For instance, I know that that jar of q-tips is going to fall now.

SPEAKER_14:

Told you. I'm just impressed that the q-tips fell down.

SPEAKER_08:

Yes, I didn't cause that with my mind. Doctor, you look kafuffled.

SPEAKER_14:

I'm peaked.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, I'm sorry I don't have the language.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, I don't have the vocabulary. Helen!

SPEAKER_08:

Yes, Doctor.

SPEAKER_14:

Please don't diagnose a doctor. That's something neither a patient nor a nurse nor a woman should do.

SPEAKER_08:

I can't help that I'm a woman.

SPEAKER_14:

Alright. Well, so, alright, fine. I'll keep this a secret. Alright. But I will tell at least a few people.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, do you know which ones? Oh just you can't.

SPEAKER_14:

The milkman.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh no. I'm in a relationship with him. But I don't love him. You're in a relationship with Milton the Milkman? Yes, I am. With Milton the Milkman. And he will not bring any more milk to us, which you know is important for an OPGYN. It's extremely important.

SPEAKER_14:

It's one of the essential building blocks of every human.

SPEAKER_08:

But if he knows how I feel about a certain someone, then he might not bring any more milk to you.

SPEAKER_14:

Alright, well Wait to me? Yes. Wait, now uh my milk is in jeopardy because of your choices?

SPEAKER_08:

Yes, all the milk for the practice. You know I'm the point of contact between the milkman and the practice.

SPEAKER_14:

That's true. I have you handle everything except for all my doctor stuff. And my doctor stuff is telling people things.

SPEAKER_08:

Dr. McDreamy, I don't know what to say. I can't help that you were made the way you were and I was made the way I am.

SPEAKER_14:

Alright, Helen. So let's do some OBGYN stuff.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, great. I don't actually have a reason to make an appointment other than I just wanted to look in one of your eyes. And tell you how I feel, which is that if you have another baby with another woman, I'm gonna freak out and I'm gonna make sure nothing ever happens good again for you in your life.

SPEAKER_09:

Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. Yeah, we accept all sorts of patients here. Well, uh psychology is a field I never thought I would come to, but it's never a field I thought I'd do. I'm having difficulty in my marriage, you see. Oh boy, that's a lot of information.

SPEAKER_03:

What'd you just put in your mouth?

SPEAKER_09:

It's uh it's a lemon drop. I like those. Yeah. It's uh it's actually part of my problem. Excuse me. Uh my wife, she wants to have a child, but I'm not ready. You see, uh well get ready. Do you have any specific information that you That was gold, the advice I just gave. All right, okay, yeah. Just generally, it is good advice. You see It's the candy doctor. I'm addicted to candy. Then stop it. This is actually how my friends. Told me a psychologist would be.

SPEAKER_10:

Our wonderful story opens with tales from the doctor's office, a normally private place, that many people are out and about with this evening. Before we bring back our bughouse players to the stage, what was the last type of transportation you took? Was it a streetcar? A train? Are you a wealthy boat baron? One thing's for sure, it almost certainly wasn't a car. Not a day goes by that the price of automobiles doesn't skyrocket five to ten cents above the baseline. But for those of us who will only use a car once or twice a year, an investment of almost$500 for a new car is simply unimaginable. And that's why Johnson's Jalopis is the only choice for the money conscious man on the go. Guaranteed to at least three to five miles off the lot, and sometimes even beyond, Johnson's is the only auto house where the cars are cheaper than a cab. Disused and do-it-yourself cars from 1905 to the 19010 era can be had for just pennies. They may run, they may run on gasoline, sometimes vegetable oil, sometimes things that you pick up off the street and burn inside of the engine, but one thing is for sure, they will take you at least a few feet. So don't take a taxi, take a temporary. Come down to Johnson's, and at the very least, you'll be able to leave. Now the Bughouse players are going to come back on stage, and the powers that be will continue in just a moment, and we will find out what each of these doctors is going to do about their situations this week. Bughouse players, please come back to the stage.

SPEAKER_08:

You look so beautiful and swollen.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, you did? Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Did you hear anything fun in it? No, I I heard a baby. A baby. A baby. I'm so sick of nothing but babies. Oh baby this, baby that. Yeah. It's like, why don't you ever do anything other than babies?

SPEAKER_05:

It's uh boring. Yeah. Yeah. Frederick. Yes? Have you been writing in your diary?

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, Jessica. Yeah, Frederick. I regret telling you about my diary.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, tell me.

SPEAKER_08:

Aww. I wrote about my dreams in my diary. Are you going to ask?

SPEAKER_05:

Yes, uh, I thought you were going to go on with your dreams. Tell me about your dreams, Frederick Dalitch. Oh. I dream of being a cabaret singer.

SPEAKER_08:

No. It couldn't be done. Oui, oui. What would you sing? I would sing La Vien Rose. Oh, Love Vienne Rose. Well, La Vien Rose. Because a jar is rose tinted. If you're not noticed. I did not know my jar was rose tinted. Yes, we've been looking at everything through a rose tinted glass. What?

SPEAKER_16:

Yes, that's why we keep it out over there.

SPEAKER_06:

Ah Michelle. Michelle. Ah, Michelle, shut up. Michelle.

SPEAKER_16:

Michelle, come back to sleep. I can hear you all the way in my jar.

SPEAKER_05:

Come out of your jar. Michelle, come out of your jar and say you're two officers. Yes! We will fight you. We will, yeah. I'm swollen. Yeah, Michelle, we got square blood on you.

SPEAKER_08:

Baby blood in us.

SPEAKER_05:

Baby blood. Yeah.

SPEAKER_16:

You guys are like the leech leech gangsters.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, we are. We asked you to belong you to join in, but you would not say yes.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, you wouldn't uh go and bite someone who was having a bad day. Like is the initiation for our gang.

SPEAKER_05:

Bite somebody. Well, you are not a leech unless you bite someone in some dear blood. Yeah, you've never done that before. You're not a leech. You're not a leech, Michelle.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_16:

I only take a bite of like sick people. I like a vegan leech. Yeah, but you know, I like don't eat people for fun.

SPEAKER_05:

That's so lazy. So boring, Michelle. What do you do in your jar all day if you are not eating other people?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, dreaming about writing my crate novel.

SPEAKER_03:

Milk delivery. Milk. I have bad news before you start.

SPEAKER_14:

I'm so tempted to say something.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, don't don't say anything before I tell you the bad news. No, I must tell you. Don't say another word. Wait, I the cows have dried up. Don't make me say it again.

SPEAKER_14:

I'll say it again.

SPEAKER_03:

The cows have dried up. That's correct. So this week, instead of getting your normal pint size. My one pint of milk? Your single pint. You're just getting a little quarter to. And it's not personal, but I know you take things personal. It is not. It's about my business and my livelihood, not your feelings, alright?

SPEAKER_14:

I don't know anything about feelings. I'm a doctor. Now, I don't know if you know anything, but I don't know if you know what you I know.

SPEAKER_03:

I know milk, and that's about it.

SPEAKER_14:

Great. Now, do you also know anything about Helen? My nurse? Oh, I'm not at liberty to say. Good, because I am also not at liberty to say. I've made promises to not say anything. But if I were to say something.

SPEAKER_03:

If I were to ask you one question, I have a feeling you'd just blurt it all out. What do you know about Helen? I have one more thing to say before you say it's more bad news. I'm afraid it is it's a little hot outside, and you see the quarter of the cup of milk has been sitting outside the whole time. I'm worried it's gonna be too warm to drink and there's no more milk to be had. Milton, are you milk blackmailing me? Are you milkmailing me? Milkmailing, that's right. This is milkmail! Say it again. Maybe the reporters will hear and they'll know what you really do around here.

SPEAKER_14:

I'm just a very good doctor that tells everyone their secrets, except for one! One that's hidden deep within! Oh, deep within the tip of my tongue that I've got to be.

SPEAKER_03:

Look at the tip of my lip, doctor. You see what's on there? It's milk. It's so much milk, because I've been drinking your whole order on the way here. It's such a hot day! Oh, but it was ice cold when I had it. I cool off with milk! But I do have a lukewarm quarter cup that you can drizzle down your throat if you like. Gullet.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, you maybe are a doctor. Yeah, you like not that type of doctor, but I know a few other body parts. Alright. One or two. Legs. Your brain's not gonna be.

SPEAKER_03:

Keep going.

SPEAKER_16:

After a long day of OGBYN, I uh had to go down to the local bar and uh try to figure out what to do. I'd really gotten in over my head. So I walked down the street and I found uh Jimmy's, the best bar in downtown Chicago, which I had not been to in a long time, because I've been sober for seven years.

SPEAKER_09:

Hey, Doc! Ain't seen you around here for a while.

SPEAKER_16:

Your memory's impeccable!

SPEAKER_09:

Hey! That's what old Jimmy's known for.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, I'll have my regular drink book.

SPEAKER_09:

Okay, yep, alright. One chocolate martini coming up.

SPEAKER_16:

Are those still uh the hot drink around?

SPEAKER_09:

You're the only one that orders them, but I keep ordering the supplies.

SPEAKER_16:

You've been keeping the supplies around for seven years?

unknown:

Well.

SPEAKER_09:

Mm-hmm. It's a fresh bottle, as you can see, still sealed chocolate liqueur.

SPEAKER_16:

That doesn't seem very cost-effective, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_09:

I care about my clientele. I remember them. Just like you.

SPEAKER_16:

Things are rough these days, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah? Oh, business is good here.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, I suppose business is good with me too, but uh, I'm a lim a little over my head. I I was happy with my leeches. Yeah. Doing my medieval treatments. You know, removing an infection, uh-huh. Curing a disease someone thought they had but wasn't real. Right, right. That was my wheelhouse.

SPEAKER_09:

Removing removing bad humors. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_16:

The humors! That was my specialty. And now I've got a real lady and a real baby to look after. And I don't know what I'm doing!

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, well, you know, you should try uh real medicine. Like uh mustard poultice.

SPEAKER_16:

Mustard poultice.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. Just you take a piece of cloth, you slab a mustard on it, and then you slap it on the affected area. Now, you said there's a pregnant lady?

SPEAKER_16:

Yes.

SPEAKER_09:

Right on the belly.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh. I threw a leech at her before.

SPEAKER_09:

Yeah, that's uh I hate to tell you, Doc, because uh you're the doc, but uh Kinda. It's a little outdated.

SPEAKER_16:

The leeches is out- yeah, it's an old treatment. That's what I was specializing in.

SPEAKER_09:

Right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_16:

Hey Jimmy, you got any extra mustards?

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Uh, right here under the counter. Look at that mustard.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright, can I keep it?

SPEAKER_09:

Uh I'd appreciate it if you brought it back, actually.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright, but I can take it.

SPEAKER_09:

You can take it for now, and then yeah, please return the unused portion.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright. Well, that's uh very here's here's a hard nickel. It's a dip and a two-dollar bill for the martini.

SPEAKER_09:

Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright, Jimmy, I'm gonna get out of here. You've been a huge help.

SPEAKER_09:

Uh, I'm just doing my job.

SPEAKER_16:

You know what? I'm gonna drink my martini first, I decided. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

Take it on the street, boy.

SPEAKER_16:

Yeah. What's with the police these days?

SPEAKER_09:

What can what can I say, you know? Uh they they've changed those police.

SPEAKER_16:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09:

They're concerned with staying within the laws now.

SPEAKER_16:

They used to be the laws.

SPEAKER_09:

Right.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright, well, that was a good martini. I just chugged it. I'm gonna head out, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_09:

Have yourself a great day, Doc. And don't forget to bring back my mustard.

SPEAKER_16:

I'll bring it back.

unknown:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_08:

Sorry, sorry, I just ate a bunch of graham crackers. Um, uh, welcome to my travel agency. Sorry. Um, I don't ever get people in here.

SPEAKER_05:

It's um it's lovely in here. Thanks so much. I have plants. Yeah, I um do you water them?

SPEAKER_08:

They're fake, so no. Sometimes I do.

SPEAKER_05:

Okay.

SPEAKER_08:

And then they get weird smelling.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, weird.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, okay. Uh huh.

SPEAKER_08:

Um sorry, you came in here.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_08:

Um I um uh I'm sorry, so my god, I'm so uh Becky. This is my travel agency.

SPEAKER_05:

Uh yeah, it's it's lovely. I'm sorry, I've never done this before.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, that's okay. I've only done it a couple times. Um, what can I help you with? Where would you like to go?

SPEAKER_05:

Um uh yeah, I um maybe someplace um just not here, you know, um tropical, maybe? Okay, I don't know. If you if you don't think that's a good idea, uh we I I won't ask for that. Oh god. Uh, so nervous, Becky. Oh, it's okay. I'm so nervous. It's okay. Okay. Um, I don't know who you are. Oh, I'm sorry. Um um I'm Jessica. Nice to meet you. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm nice to meet you, Becky. It's really nice to meet you. Yeah. I feel like we we would be friends. I feel like we would.

SPEAKER_08:

You can just hang out if you want. I mean, you don't even have to like buy anything. What's going on?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, um, just um my my my husband uh wants to travel more. Oh that's what I do. Oh, great. Cool. And I was gonna plan the trip for him, which is um against the rules of society.

SPEAKER_08:

I know. Well, I'm sorry, I don't know if you saw my sign. This is a feminist traveling.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, that's why I'm so nervous. I walked in and I was I wasn't sure if anybody saw me. And that's why I am in disguise. You see me?

SPEAKER_08:

I see you.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh.

SPEAKER_08:

So, like, you want to go somewhere?

SPEAKER_05:

Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_08:

What?

SPEAKER_05:

Becky. Yeah, just I see you. Oh my god! Nobody sees me. Yeah, no, I see you.

SPEAKER_08:

God, they're like, just give me tickets on a railroad or something.

SPEAKER_05:

Um, no, I see you. Um and thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm so glad that I can be here.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

You know, there are other things that I wanted to do with my life that I can't do. I'm sorry, was that too prying about? No, no, it's totally fine. Nobody asked me anything. I wanted to be a lady airline pilot. I know. Oh, it's crazy. But times are changing. I guess. I mean, I opened up this agency because I thought they were, but now nobody comes in here except for the milkman.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh.

SPEAKER_08:

The milkman?

SPEAKER_05:

Um, Milton?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah. Oh my god, you know the milkman? Everyone knows the milkman.

SPEAKER_05:

Milton, Milton, he's uh he's okay. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

I mean, what do you think about him? Becky, he's so cute, Becky. I know, he's so cute. Do you have a crush on him? I guess I kind of do now that I think about it. Oh my gosh, Becky. Oh my god. Is that weird though for a feminist travel agent to have a crush on a mailman? Milkman! Oh my god!

SPEAKER_05:

It's okay.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm so stupid.

SPEAKER_05:

No, Becky, it's a mistake. Everyone thinks mistake.

SPEAKER_08:

No, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like I messed everything. Um tell me something about yourself. Um, I'm pregnant. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh my god, congratulations. Thank you. Not super happy. It's it's complicated. Um so yeah, that's why I'm here. Oh my husband wanted to wait and wanted to travel more and isn't excited about the baby.

SPEAKER_08:

So we can have it so that you travel while you're pregnant. That's totally safe. And then we can have it so that you have done that by the time the baby comes in.

SPEAKER_05:

Exactly. That's what I was. Oh my gosh, Becky, you see me. Jessica, I feel like we might be both friends.

SPEAKER_08:

Um, this might be forward, but would you like to come with us? Oh my god, yes. That would be amazing. I've never wanted anything more in my life. Can I fly the plane?

SPEAKER_05:

I think you can, but again. Thank you. There are the rules of society.

SPEAKER_14:

So, Milton, I I have I'm gonna let you talk first this time.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, but before oh go.

SPEAKER_14:

You talk to everyone in town, don't you?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I have a mouth on me.

SPEAKER_14:

Alright, fine, I'll tell you everything because that's all I know. Just promise me that you won't do what you always do at all times. Sure, my behavior will be completely different this time around. That's such a relief. Here's the thing. So, Helen, you know her. Oh, she's my nurse. Yes. Yes. Alright, so number one, here's one secret. She's telekinetic. Do you know what that means?

SPEAKER_03:

When I was around her once, one of my milk bottles broke and she said she didn't know what happened, but I I know what happens when women lie, and I saw it in her eyes, she looked trippy.

SPEAKER_14:

Well, that's not entirely what that means, but good enough. And number two, she came me for a woman's problem. A woman's problem. I say euphemistically. Oh, now I understand. Yes. Now you promise that you won't do everything that you always do at all times.

SPEAKER_03:

I have a lot of milk deliveries to make and I best be on my way.

SPEAKER_14:

Wait, no, give me milk now. I want the milk!

SPEAKER_03:

You have a quarter cup waiting outside in the hot sun in the hot sun! You don't did what you wanted! It's so warm, you're not even gonna recognize it as milk. You're gonna take a sip, you're gonna say, This isn't the milk I know, but get used to it.

SPEAKER_02:

Milk!

SPEAKER_14:

Please! I did what you wanted. I broke a promise because I always do what I do. Mm-hmm. So give me the milk. It's so hot out.

SPEAKER_08:

Doctor?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_08:

Doctor, what's going on here?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh, Helen! Helen, hello.

SPEAKER_08:

Why Milton?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Why are you here?

SPEAKER_03:

I was making a long delivery.

SPEAKER_08:

I still see you, Doctor. Don't you think I don't see you?

SPEAKER_03:

She's looking two places at once. She sees me. Um sees you. Yeah. Euphemistically.

SPEAKER_08:

I feel like something is going on here that I don't like. Oh, my milk bottle.

SPEAKER_03:

There it goes. Who's gonna clean this up? Oh, it's in your office. That's your purview.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, that's not a narcissist job.

SPEAKER_14:

Wait, have you been going to that feminist travel agency? Have they been filling your head with crazy ideas?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, I want to go to Poughkeepsie.

SPEAKER_03:

That's the craziest idea of all! Doctor, the woman who runs that travel agency happens to be the love of my life.

SPEAKER_08:

Wait a minute, I thought I was.

SPEAKER_03:

Hold on. I can have more than one.

SPEAKER_14:

Loving more than one person, that's impossible!

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, the times are changing, just you wait.

SPEAKER_14:

Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_08:

I just wanted to say that if anything shifty is happening here and a fire starts, it's not my fault.

SPEAKER_14:

Okay, good. Well, I'll just put all of my dry papers, kindling, and gas right next to all my doctor stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

Hey, I have good news for you, Doc. If that fire starts up, you got a whole quarter cup of milk to put it out.

SPEAKER_10:

That quarter cup of milk will come in handy no matter how solid it's gotten in the sun. The very first car was created in 1893 in the fine village of Springfield, Massachusetts. A horse-drawn carriage purchased for just$70 and an engine grafted onto it. At Johnson's Jalopes, we have that car. And for the price of an automat sandwich, you can cruise down the road at a smooth four horsepower. Now the cars have become as ubiquitous as the cotton chin, a brand new philosophy is entering the market. The used car. The new car is full of Bells and whistles now that the government has mandated every car have a whistle. But at Johnson's Jalopes, we guarantee no bells, no whistles, and in many cases, no doors and no roofs. You can be absolutely sure that our cars have never been inspected, never been updated, never been repaired, and never been cleaned. As we pass those savings along to you, an extra bonus, anything you find in the car is yours to keep. Just last week, Terry Prynn of Ravenswood discovered$12 in the hand crank, and two months ago, Hester McGee found a man's thigh bone. What excitement! So next time you're looking for just one single adventure, gamble with Johnson's Jalopies. They might not get you where you need to be, but they will certainly get you somewhere. The powers that bee is developing, a fine mystery in the town. Will any of the doctors figure out exactly how to be a doctor? We will find out in just a few moments as the Bughouse players take the stage once again.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh my sweet leeches. Back with some sweet alone time. Jessica.

SPEAKER_06:

Oh, see, Doctor.

SPEAKER_16:

Frederick.

SPEAKER_06:

Hello.

SPEAKER_16:

Michelle. Hello.

SPEAKER_08:

It is so nice to see you, Doctor. Doctor, you are so handsome.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, stop.

SPEAKER_05:

You are our god. What? We worship you.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, I must have had too many chocolate martinis.

SPEAKER_08:

We're worried about you. You have fallen off the wagon.

SPEAKER_16:

It was a long time, but oh, sweet leeches, help me. I've I've gotten in the back.

SPEAKER_05:

Uh you are shaking our our jars too much. Oh, don't you? No, I'm done. Oh, my God. That's how your lens is over.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_16:

I am expecting my patient, Jessica, to be back. Jessica, remember when you met Jessica?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, I love Jessica. I hope I hope she comes in very soon. Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, every time. That might be her right now. Hello, Jessica.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, hi hi, doctor.

SPEAKER_16:

Hello. Who's this with you?

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, um, this is um Becky, and this is my husband. Hi!

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, all three of you.

SPEAKER_05:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_16:

Okay.

SPEAKER_05:

We're doing the feminist thing and we're not gonna name the husband.

SPEAKER_16:

I know some doctors that don't have a name. Okay, well, you look in perfect health.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, thank you. Um, you see, we're we're going on a trip on a plane, and I'm gonna fly. And and Becky's coming and and husband is coming. Um, and I just need to be cleared for travel. Um, so I just need to know if I'm okay to go up in the air in a tin can.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, my first instinct is I don't see why not. But just to make sure, I've got a new treatment. Oh. It's called a mustard BOTUS?

SPEAKER_05:

We'll try it. I'm I'm in.

SPEAKER_16:

Alright. Well, you get on the table. Sure. Relax.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh no, I did my gown wrong again. Oh, uh, maybe your husband can help you. I'm turning away. Look away! Turning away. Oh, oh, can you time Oh, thank thank you.

SPEAKER_16:

Just let me unscrew this jar of mustard here.

SPEAKER_05:

Let me wiggle up on the table. Oh, it's ice cold.

SPEAKER_16:

Yes, I keep everything very cold for the leeches. Alright, now let me uh unfold this towel.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh wow, this is a product.

SPEAKER_16:

Let me dump as much mustard as I can on the towel. Yes, it's incredibly stuck. Have you ever shaken ketchup out? Mustard twice as hard. Yes, okay. There's some mustard. And now let me spread it all over the towel.

SPEAKER_05:

Okay, yeah. Okay. And I'm just sitting here with the case. Yes. Do I take my gown off?

SPEAKER_16:

No, do not take ketows.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh no, it came on tight again.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, the husband, husband, help, help. Now.

SPEAKER_05:

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_16:

We have to put the mustard towel directly on your belly, and then you are free to travel in any kind of device that you want. Airplane, submarine.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm sorry. Um, I don't mean to be like rude, but you're being kind of condescending. Um, I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry.

SPEAKER_16:

I'm being condescending?

SPEAKER_08:

I mean, yeah. Like, well, I'm sorry, but yeah. You're kind of manslating things to her. I'm sorry. That's probably not something you know about.

SPEAKER_16:

Uh uh, I honestly, I'm winging it, lady. I don't know much about nothing. Becky. Anyways, here's the mustard towel. I'm just gonna throw it at you.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, oh boy. Um, oh my gosh. Oh, it's mustard's flattered. Yeah, everywhere. It's on my chest. Oh no, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh oh, uh oh. Uh-oh. Well, you're good to go as far as I'm concerned.

SPEAKER_16:

Dr. Powell approved. Keep your gown on until you land.

SPEAKER_05:

Can I tell you something before we leave?

SPEAKER_16:

Sure.

SPEAKER_05:

I trust you.

SPEAKER_16:

I've never lied to you.

SPEAKER_05:

Never. Becky, husband, let's go.

SPEAKER_16:

Good luck. It's just us and just me and my sweet leeches again.

SPEAKER_08:

You want a song?

SPEAKER_16:

No, no, you don't have to sing again. Yeah, we'll sing to you. Michelle, your voice changed.

SPEAKER_05:

I do, I do do, I do, do, I do do do.

SPEAKER_16:

Uh oh, we're quiet, quiet, there's somebody else walking in. Doctor.

SPEAKER_14:

Doctor.

SPEAKER_16:

Doctor McDreamy.

SPEAKER_14:

And Doctor Powers.

SPEAKER_16:

Yes. Seymour Powers.

SPEAKER_14:

I have something to admit to you, Doctor Powers. I know you're not a real doctor, and that's not what I'm admitted.

SPEAKER_16:

Okay, great. You are you are spot on one for one, anyways.

SPEAKER_14:

But I just wanted you to know that I admired you. You might have talked to your leeches. You might have fallen off the wagon. You might be rubbing mustard onto your patients. But I don't believe in privacy. So I'm coming to you. Doctor to doctor. To ask you a very important question.

SPEAKER_16:

Okay.

SPEAKER_14:

Number one. Can I have your office because mine is burnt down?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, really? What happened?

SPEAKER_14:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_16:

It's gone. Wiped out.

SPEAKER_14:

Completely burnt. Gone.

SPEAKER_16:

Well, there's not a ton of room, but we could share. I've got the one table.

SPEAKER_14:

Perfect.

SPEAKER_16:

Great.

SPEAKER_14:

All you need is half a table and a lot of smarts to be a doctor.

SPEAKER_16:

Why? Was that the only question?

SPEAKER_14:

The other question is, am I cleared to fly? Because, you know, my office burnt.

SPEAKER_16:

Yeah, as far as I'm concerned, you could, you could.

SPEAKER_08:

You know, I know some people who just got uh okay, everybody, uh, get on board. Um, okay, so I'm gonna do uh pre-flight stuff, I guess. Um if anybody wants a chocolate martini, let me know. Becky, you're doing so good. Did you finish Jessica?

SPEAKER_14:

Uh excuse me. So what you do as a pilot is actually the full pre-uh check. Like, you know, uh like are you familiar with this?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, um, okay, just please stop doing that. It's terrible. Um uh uh no, so next, uh God, you got me off the flow.

SPEAKER_05:

Um It's okay.

SPEAKER_08:

Um You got this, Becky. Thank you so much, Jessica. You're my rock. Um okay, so um everybody get in and uh sit down on a chair or a seat, okay as they're called on a plane. Um and I'm gonna um I'm gonna fly. So buckle up. All right, everybody, we're going to Panama. Panama City, Florida. Um Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't I can't travel internationally yet. Um anyway, so we're gonna be just up in the cockpit, me and myself and I'll be with you. Oh my god, Mel! Wow. You're the dreamiest person I've ever met.

unknown:

No, you are.

SPEAKER_08:

What? No, shut up. I'm so stupid.

SPEAKER_03:

Sitting back, kicking back, and I'm gonna be watching you do what you do best.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh my god, fly a plane? I didn't even know that's what I do best because I've never done it. But your faith means the world to me. Did you bring any um milk for our chocolate martinis?

SPEAKER_03:

Always.

SPEAKER_14:

Can I have some?

SPEAKER_03:

No!

SPEAKER_05:

Alright, everybody, take your seat. Okay, um, yeah, I'm just gonna put my buckle on. Um, husband, make sure your buckle's on.

unknown:

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, so we're gonna take off now. Okay. Um, I'm just gonna tell you some things to make you feel better. When cows are born, they can already walk. Um group of flamingos is called a flamboyance. Um, when I was a little girl, I burned my teddy bear um on purpose. And then my grandma bought me a new one, and then I burned that one. Um, what else? Uh I don't know. Anybody? Uh I'm just gonna.

SPEAKER_05:

Husband, I've got something to tell you. Well, I think you might already know given that you were at the doctor with me, but it's gonna stop hearing five. I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you before we got to the doctor, but I'm not gonna. Oh my god, stuff is crying everywhere.

SPEAKER_08:

Becky left me. You're not having to talk about it.

SPEAKER_06:

You're not having my tiny gap as a bad yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm down to it. Oh no, what it is! Oh I'm gonna make that fucking craft.

SPEAKER_14:

If I just left you, all the time.

SPEAKER_08:

It would save Jet McCludd, it would save Dr. McDrini, it would save Allen, it would save Becky, it would save the Doctor, uh, I think the other doctor's on Flowers is on the plane too. Oh, he can't! Yeah, uh, yeah, it would save everybody on this plane who is a lot of the city.

SPEAKER_07:

Wait, a lot of the city is on the plane. How big is this plane? It's a large plane.

SPEAKER_16:

God damn it, Mick Dreamy. Just love her, goddammit.

SPEAKER_08:

Eh, just loves the woman. What's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_16:

Listen to my leeches. Yeah, love her, baby.

SPEAKER_08:

I got to kiss the girl. Come on. Come on. I'm bringing your head closer to mine with my magical powers. Bringing your head closer to mine. But it has to be your choice.

SPEAKER_14:

Thank you for making that clear.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah.

unknown:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_08:

Definitely on a feminist airplane, it has to be your choice.

SPEAKER_14:

Great. So I felt myself being drawn to her. I felt both telekinetically and by my heart, because this was a choice.

SPEAKER_08:

Yes. And I felt myself opening up in my heart area and realizing maybe what I didn't want was somebody who was forced to love me. Oh, so am I off? Oh, wait, I didn't hear that.

SPEAKER_03:

No, no.

SPEAKER_08:

Wait, Milton, the Milton.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_08:

Milton, I love you. No, I'm not sure if I love you.

SPEAKER_03:

Listen, I'll be right here until you decide.

SPEAKER_14:

There's a lot of eligible bachelors on this plane. How about you make a pick?

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, which one of them would love a telekinetic one-eyed lady? Well, I'm gonna have another eye, it's just always looking any other way. And also, keep those peanuts. They're for everyone.

SPEAKER_16:

You're a huge upgrade from leeches, I'm just saying. So I'd be interested.

SPEAKER_08:

Alright, I mean, maybe that's fine. What other kinds of things do you do?

SPEAKER_16:

Well, I uh I'm an amateur OBGYN.

SPEAKER_02:

Ooh!

SPEAKER_16:

You know, fledgling just started. Yeah. I'm a master of medieval humours medicines.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh!

SPEAKER_16:

So like bile? Oh, bile's one of my expertises.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, well that's nice.

SPEAKER_16:

And uh, as you see, I've already got a nice family in my jaws.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh my god, are those leeches?

SPEAKER_16:

Yep.

SPEAKER_08:

I love leeches!

SPEAKER_16:

What?

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah. I love them. Would you put one on my ring finger?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh, Michelle. This is your time to shine. Oh yes. Put me on the woman's hand.

SPEAKER_06:

Oh I'm in love.

SPEAKER_08:

Yeah, you are.

SPEAKER_16:

We're getting married, everybody!

SPEAKER_08:

On the plane.

SPEAKER_16:

Is there a priest on the plane? No, I think that's the one thing we don't have on the plane.

SPEAKER_06:

No, we don't have a priest.

SPEAKER_10:

The Bughouse players will be back in just a moment for the conclusion of The Powers That Be. Folks, all a car is is a platform, an engine, a few chairs, and three to five wheels, and anyone telling you that it takes more to make a car is selling you a bum lie. For so many of us, all a car needs to be is a pathway to a farm or a grocery store. With literally no other use for an automobile, what's the sense in investing in a brand new Packard or Chevy? Especially since their closed structures are proven to trap harmful gases that suffocate the driver. Just listen to this professional automobile doc. After extensive tests, it's obvious that new enclosed cab automobiles are the fast way to an early death. Take it from the experts! The only way to drive is in an open cab converted carriage created in the workshop of a man that specializes in bicycle repair. Don't put yourself in the metal coffin of a new car. Get a used car. Keep yourself safe and don't go very far. Johnson's Jalobbies! And now, the thrilling conclusion of the powers that be with the bughouse players!

SPEAKER_09:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two people in holy matrimony.

unknown:

Thank your stars.

SPEAKER_16:

It's amazing Jessica's husband was a priest, who knew?

SPEAKER_08:

I know. I mean I don't even know Jessica. Nobody asked me. Okay, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_09:

Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do. And do you take this woman to be your wife?

SPEAKER_16:

Oh yes, I do.

SPEAKER_09:

That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. And with that, you have cured my candy addiction. Congratulations! Doctor, you're married!

SPEAKER_06:

Doctor!

SPEAKER_16:

I finally cured a patient.

SPEAKER_08:

You did!

SPEAKER_16:

This is incredible.

SPEAKER_08:

This is the start of a new life.

SPEAKER_16:

This is the happiest day of my life.

SPEAKER_09:

You two love birds.

SPEAKER_16:

And you're gonna be a father.

SPEAKER_09:

I already am!

SPEAKER_05:

Uh if it is okay, we prepared a song for you. Oui, oui.

SPEAKER_16:

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05:

We would like to sing a a song to you. Is that okay? Yes. Oh yes, please.

SPEAKER_16:

My children want to sing us a song.

SPEAKER_05:

Okay, Michelle. Hit me with that sweet bass.

SPEAKER_13:

Doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. Doop, doop, doop, doom, doom, as we go.

SPEAKER_17:

We will do forever.

SPEAKER_16:

That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.

SPEAKER_08:

Nobody ever sang for me before.

SPEAKER_05:

Oh, we were not done.

SPEAKER_17:

Oh, we do.

SPEAKER_16:

Is it over now?

SPEAKER_03:

Anyone want to toast a cold milk? Yes, yes, please!

SPEAKER_00:

And that's tonight's program, The Powers That Be, starring Carly Olsen, Eric Peterson, Joe Hardenstein, Ashley Whitehurst, Ben Vegan, Jordan Reichhart on the table, Ed Zach.

SPEAKER_10:

Thank you for joining us this evening with WBGH Radio. Remember, every one of the Bughouse players has a Johnson Jalopi that they drove off the lot this morning. Whether or not any of them can get home is still an open question. So if you see them outside, be sure to give them a ride. Thank you for coming this evening. Remember, we're here every first Sunday of the month, and the Bughouse players will present a new wonderful improvised golden age radio show for you. Please come back. Thank you for joining us and buy a Johnson's Jalopi. You won't regret it, or maybe you will.

SPEAKER_15:

The casting crew is as follows. Joe Hartenstein played Jessica's husband and Jimmy the bartender. Carly Ilson played Helen the telekinetic nurse, Frederick the French Leech, and Becky the travel agent. Jordan Reichhart played the straightforward psychologist and Milton the Milkman. Ben Fijent played the opening narrator and Dr. McDreamy the OBGYN. Ashley Whitehurst played Jessica the Human and Jessica the Leech. Eric Peterson played Dr. Seymour Powers and Michelle the Leech. Chuck Cotterman was your host. Caitlin Schneider was your producer and Ed Zach on Foley. Please check out details for our live shows at I.O. Chicago, The Bug House, and more at ImprovisedRadio.com and follow us on Improvised Radio Show on Instagram.