Improvised Golden Age Radio

Blue In The Driver’s Seat

• IGAR • Season 1 • Episode 11

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 47:23

Many thanks to all our new listeners in the USA & South Africa! Please rate/review! 

Blue Beaumont, the twin of famous movie star of the 1940s,  pulls into a gas station where his life changes forever. He and his new chum Tucker Cornwallace set out to find his brother while Beauregard, his brother, is on a quest of his own.  Little do they know they may both find love, but will they find the Heart of The Ocean; and will Tucker ever get anything to eat? Recorded 1/10/26 @ iO Chicago.

This episode fakely sponsored by Busted Chairs Incorporated

Shelby Burton - Tucker Cornwallace, The original orphan owner, Lucinda

Ben Vigeant - Opening narrator, Chris Lillyleather, The Chef

Joe Hartenstine - Bleu Beaumont, The Captain, Beauregard Beaumont

Ashley Whitehurst - Hungry Orphan, The male sailor

Jordan Reichardt - Miss Lillyleather The Orphanage Owner


Here's the ai summary for your amusement: 

A gas station spill. A lavender hose. A bowl of “celebrity stew.” From our first audience suggestions to a finale of vows and vows-to-the-sea, we spin a golden-age radio romp that blends 1940s sparkle with modern heart. Blue Beaumont, a modest traveler mistaken for his famous twin True, meets Tucker, a quick-witted orphan desperate for a better life than Miss Lily’s ironclad orphanage can offer. One impulsive adoption sets off a chain of choices—some legal, some romantic, all gloriously human.

We follow True onto a ship to “research” his next big role and watch admiration turn into genuine tenderness with a sailor who ties knots as easily as he unties his loneliness. Back on land, Lily’s brash rules crack just enough to reveal the grief that built them, and a very specific clause in Tucker’s adoption papers ropes her into the road trip she never dared to take. Everything collides at Maggie’s, a portside diner that treats fame like a four-alarm fire. Curtains pull back, the twins face off, prawns run out, and everyone argues about who gets the last spoon of stew—right before they decide who gets their hearts.

Expect vintage sound, smart chaos, and a finale that actually pays off the jokes: a cascade of I do’s, a captain pledging himself to the sea, and a gentle reminder that even with stars in the room, the smallest voice still needs dinner. If you love improvised radio theater, 1940s Hollywood satire, found-family stories, and shipboard romance with a wink, this one’s for you.

Enjoy the ride, share the episode with a friend, and tap follow so you never miss our next improvised broadcast. If we made you laugh, leave a quick review—it helps curious listeners find their way to Maggie’s.

You can actually message us by clicking here!

Support the show

https://www.improvisedradio.com/

https://www.instagram.com/improvisedradioshow/

Joe:

From Hollywood, it's time now for good helped you all.

Chuck Cotterman:

Change is my stock and phrase.

SPEAKER_12:

Suspense.

Chuck Cotterman:

Thank you, everybody, and welcome to the Improvised Golden Age of Radio. I am your announcer, Chuck Cotterman. How y'all doing this evening? Excellent. Great shouts. Well, welcome. Let's get the cast on the stage. We have Shelby Burton, Ben Vegent, Ashley Whitehurst, Jordan Reichhart, and Joe Hartenstein.

SPEAKER_04:

Round of applause.

Chuck Cotterman:

And then on the booth, we have Ed Zach, and right next to him, we will have Eric Peterson. They will be bringing us all kinds of sounds from the future and the past. And before we get started, I just wanted to ask. There we go. One more. Alright. Just want to get to know the audience for just a few moments before we get started and get the broadcast rolling. So I'm going to stand here and ask some questions because we do not have a wireless microphone right now that will go into the recording. So you can either shout or I will repeat, or both. The recording will sound great either way. So to get us started, my friend, your name. I'm Mark. We have Mark in the audience. Round of applause for Mark. Mark, can you give us a name that you've heard recently that you think might have been fake?

unknown:

It might have been a fake?

Chuck Cotterman:

Fake name. You can make one up if you Marvin Gaye. Mark all right. Marvin, I mean, yeah, honestly, it doesn't sound real, right? Okay. And uh can you give me uh often stars uh of this era, the 40s and 50s, would have a stage name and then they have another name. Cary Grant was famously Archibald Leach. Uh can you give me the uh real name of your very fake character, Marvin Gaye?

unknown:

Um Sam Beaumont.

Chuck Cotterman:

Sam Beaumont. I think that could go either way, real and fake, in either direction. Uh and Mark, one last question for you. Um, what's your favorite weather?

SPEAKER_03:

Um specific and enviable.

Chuck Cotterman:

Very nice. Not, you know, not too hard in the eyes. You can really wear neutral clothing. I love it. Uh, round of applause for Mark, everyone. All right, and right in front of me we have two absolute strangers. Uh, your name, sir?

unknown:

Tarek.

Chuck Cotterman:

Tarek. Tarek, you may have heard Taric on a couple of our recordings so far. Tarek is a longtime fan. Uh, Tarek, I'm gonna ask you a question. What is the the best car you've ever ridden in?

SPEAKER_05:

Uh like my 98 Mazda protege.

Chuck Cotterman:

98 Mazda. So you would call it a pretty, pretty um subtle car, a humble car.

SPEAKER_04:

It's not a humble car, but uh has a lot of heart.

Chuck Cotterman:

It has a lot, a humble car, a lot of heart. And the uh the car of that car. Navy. Navy blue car. Beautiful. And can you uh tell me one thing about sitting in that car that you love the most?

SPEAKER_05:

The seat was uh the uh driver's seat was broken, so it was reclined a little bit.

Chuck Cotterman:

Beautiful, beautiful, excellent. So we'll just by default, you had to be comfortable while you while you're in your Mazda protege. Very well done. And uh one last question about not the car. Um, but when you went to school, what was the school supply that you put in your backpack first, the one that you considered the most important?

SPEAKER_05:

Uh the cassette, the oxen ox cable. Yeah, your iPhone.

Chuck Cotterman:

All right. Very specific cabling. Yes. All right. I really like that answer. Round of applause for Tarek, everybody. And we have one more guest that I'm gonna ask you a question of. Your name, Mosey. You also may have heard Mosey once or twice appear on our recordings, another longtime fan. Mosey, I'm gonna ask you to just uh throw us one other suggestion, if you don't mind. Um, could you tell me what year do you think of when you think of old time radio? One year. 1942. All right. Uh I really appreciate that suggestion. Mosey, round of applause for Mosey. Thank you. And the cast, uh, whether you like it or not, the cast is going to use those suggestions to be uh in the show, so you are also a part of our show, but we still have one last piece of information to ask, and for that I'm gonna turn to the cast. Cast, do we have a title for tonight's show?

Joe:

Blue in the driver's seat.

Chuck Cotterman:

Blue in the driver's seat. Fabulous. Round of applause. For blue in the driver's seat. Thank you, Joe. And before the ever-present screen took over, there was one king of communication, the radio. Casts and crews spent countless hours writing, planning, rehearsing, and preparing. We've done none of that. Tonight we're creating the sounds of the golden age of radio right before your ears. So sit back, relax, and laugh as loud as you can so that the mics pick you up. You'll be a part of radio history. And now, put your hands together for tonight's episode Blue in the Driver's Seat.

SPEAKER_03:

It was an overcast night. It was 60-ish or so, and Blue Beaumont drove his beautiful car down Route 66. He looked out the window and and saw a couple people waved at them, honked his horn. Where you going? He thought they said. And in his mind he said, nowhere in particular. I'm just trying to find what's out there. I'm Blue Beaumont. Blue Beaumont pulled over to a gas station to make a discovery that would change his life forever.

Joe:

Hey there, boy. Um, fill it up, please. Uh, leaded gasoline, of course.

SPEAKER_11:

Okay, that'll be four cents.

Joe:

Yeah, all right.

SPEAKER_11:

Um, excuse me, sir.

Joe:

Yes? What is it, son?

SPEAKER_12:

Uh, you look very familiar. Have I met you before?

Ashley:

Blue Beaumont blushed.

Joe:

Well, uh, I don't suppose you go to the pictures, do you?

SPEAKER_12:

Oh, that's where I've seen ya. Oh, I knew it!

Ashley:

The little boy had a name and he was dying for Blue Beaumont to ask it.

SPEAKER_12:

Yeah, I I've seen all your pictures, but I I never thought I'd see him in real life.

Joe:

Oh, uh. Sorry, son. Uh oh uh what did you say your name was?

SPEAKER_11:

My name?

Joe:

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_11:

Tucker Cornwallis.

Joe:

Oh. Tucker, what a name. Well, that's uh that's my twin brother that you saw in the pictures, actually.

SPEAKER_12:

That's uh, you're not a real celebrity!

Joe:

Well, uh I mean I do accounting.

Ashley:

Let me take this out of the the um All of a sudden the gas started to spill everywhere and get all over blue blue Beaumont suit.

SPEAKER_12:

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I just um I'm sorry, here.

Joe:

Alright, son, all right. Settle down.

SPEAKER_12:

It just wouldn't stop. Oh, oh I'm sorry, I don't know how to get it on stock. It's somehow stuck. I can't get it on stock. Oh god, oh god. Okay, let me just spray it over here.

Joe:

Maybe if you put your foot up here and then Oh before they knew it, Tucker was on Blue Beaumont's shoulders.

Ashley:

Uh, Mr. Beaumont?

Joe:

Yes. Uh you think I meet Blue Beaumont, yes.

SPEAKER_12:

Yes. You think I could go with you and meet your brother? Well, uh I don't have any parents. Tucker.

Joe:

You don't have any parents. You're running this filling station by yourself?

SPEAKER_12:

No, I just work here.

Joe:

Oh, okay, all right.

SPEAKER_09:

I just I understand. I could travel with you. I'd be I'd be so helpful.

Joe:

Well right, uh I I don't see a harm in bringing a young boy across state lines. Come on.

SPEAKER_12:

Oh, well, you'd have to you'd have to go down to the orphanage and adopt me first. Oh.

Ashley:

Tucker pulls out a piece of paper that was in his overalls and hands it to Blue Beaumont. Oh, what's it?

SPEAKER_12:

Yeah, you just go down there and you're gonna talk to the head lady and and tell her you want me to be your new son, and then you're gonna sign this paper that I always keep in my overalls.

SPEAKER_04:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_12:

And then you and I can go to Hollywood and meet your brother.

SPEAKER_03:

Later at the orphanage.

SPEAKER_08:

One, two, three. Oh, I forget how to count after that, the children. I think there's five or or six. I they keep getting away from me. I'm back, I'm back. Oh my god. Sorry. Oh my god, I I you have been here all along. Yes.

SPEAKER_10:

No, I actually was at my job at the at the gas station that you made me get.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, just whisper that next time you say it. Um, I I I have my pentance for the day. Here you go. It's three cents. I know you made more than three cents at your shift. I did. I made four. Then you are to give me four plus five for interest. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_12:

Well, I'll work harder tomorrow. But I was just wondering, um, if someone's gonna adopt me, um uh no one wants to adopt you.

SPEAKER_08:

She banged the wall. See? You didn't even you didn't even get get scared when I banged on the wall. Yeah, that's right. I can tell I can tell that you're you've been through a lot at that shift at the gas station.

SPEAKER_12:

I'm getting out of here and going to my realm.

SPEAKER_03:

Miss Lily Leather's orphanage was the most feared institution in town.

SPEAKER_08:

Don't make me bang on the wall again!

SPEAKER_12:

Miss Lily?

SPEAKER_08:

Yes.

SPEAKER_12:

Miss Lily, I'm hungry.

SPEAKER_08:

That's too bad. Get a job.

SPEAKER_10:

You're four and it's time. Okay. And as the all the orphans went to sleep that night, Miss Lily climbed into her bed with her partner, boyfriend, maybe husband.

SPEAKER_08:

Chris! You've been sleeping all day. You wonder why I'm so cranky with these children, Chris.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I just had to get my sleep. I just was tired. Thank you. Lily.

SPEAKER_08:

I I tell all the children at this place to get jobs. It's time I tell you the same thing.

SPEAKER_03:

But they're earning all the money. I could just sleep all day and also complete the world's largest crossword. I'm halfway through.

SPEAKER_10:

He reached into his pajama pocket and pulled out a grilled cheese. Hmm.

SPEAKER_03:

It's cold, but the the caramelization from the grilled cheese makes it delicious, regardless of its temperature.

SPEAKER_08:

That grilled cheese cost, I know, at least three cents, and we just don't have the money for you to be spending it willy-nilly like that.

SPEAKER_03:

We'll just get another kid and have them earn more money at the gas station or whatever. At the mines, at the dam, cleaning the road. We adopted that stretch of highway. Do we make money from that?

SPEAKER_10:

The two of them had this conversation every night.

SPEAKER_08:

Chris, I'll tell you again, we make no money from that. I know you're an ideas guy, but your ideas recently have gotten worse and worse.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, if you stay in bed all day, you're kind of limited on your ideas. That also makes it difficult to complete a crossword.

SPEAKER_10:

They've been together for twelve years, but only really had touched in the past. Well, they hadn't touched past the first year they were together.

SPEAKER_08:

It's our 13th year anniversary next week.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

I assume you'll lay in bed all day doing your crossword again.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, it's really big. How am I gonna finish it unless I make the effort?

SPEAKER_08:

Chris.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah?

SPEAKER_08:

I think I think I'm going to leave. What? It's 1942? That doesn't happen. It's just that bad. But I well, if you leave, who's going to clear the bedpan? Oh, I forgot I haven't cleared that in a week.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08:

Chris. Yeah. I can't be responsible for you anymore. I'm already so poorly looking after all these children, and that keeps me busy. Lily.

SPEAKER_03:

I love how you poorly take care of me and those 47 children.

SPEAKER_08:

You can't sweet talk your way out of this, Chris. Buddy kept trying.

SPEAKER_03:

You're so cruel. It's awesome. And trying. And also I like it when you yell at me. And trying. It gives me a sick thrill.

SPEAKER_08:

Your eyes look dead when you talk to me, Chris.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, that's part of the condition I have. I have dead eyes. I also have a dead nose and one dead ear. And also I can see out of them and hear.

SPEAKER_08:

This isn't about you. I'm leaving, Chris said. I am. I am. I've I've been going to the movies on my time off.

SPEAKER_03:

You've been Steve you've been going to the the Nickelodeon seeing pictures?

SPEAKER_08:

I don't know what Nickelodeon is.

Ashley:

Captain? Captain? Captain, Captain, Captain, Captain! Excuse me, Captain! What is it?

SPEAKER_06:

Captain, what are you making so much noise out here for? You can't you can't hear me if I don't. Say it a million times. What? Just because of this whistle. I've been having hearing problems with this. You ought to get it checked out. The pain of mice! Well, why are you why don't you retire?

Ashley:

If you can't stand the whistle, get off the boat.

Joe:

That is the sailor's sake. Well, it's just this. I'm in a lot of dead.

SPEAKER_10:

And I have to keep working. And at just that moment, true Beauregard, Beaumont, walked up. He was the most famous Hollywood star of the time. And he was sailing on this ship.

Joe:

Hey there. Uh, excuse me. Uh what's all the racket out here? Oh my um What's the rumpus, huh?

Ashley:

You're so handsome. I uh I I'm gonna salute you. Um I I don't know. I don't I'm just a sailor. Oh my you are so handsome. Well it's also 1942, and I shouldn't be saying that out loud because I'm a male sailor.

Joe:

Yes, that's right.

Ashley:

But you're handsome!

Joe:

I think we're before the curve where it starts to get weird because it would be so unusual for someone to be a homosexual. Yeah. So it's okay. Oh, okay. Yep.

Ashley:

Well, now, uh as a matter of fact You make me want to tie knots. Well, all the kinds of knots!

Joe:

You know, it's it's funny your admiration for me because I admire you. What? Yes, that's right. I'm going to be in a new movie, and so I'm studying what it's like to be a mariner just like yourself.

SPEAKER_10:

Oh my. True Beaumont, Beauregard, Beauregard, Beaumont, was ready for his next big film. This was going to be the one. This was gonna top the charts. He had been studying on many, many boats. He was to play the captain of the Titanic in the 1942 Titanic. Yes, yes.

Ashley:

They're already making a movie about it?

Joe:

Uh-huh, yeah. It just sunk. Oh, pretty soon? Yeah. Oh. Well, you know, those those brave people, uh, they deserve to have their story memorialized.

Ashley:

The ones who died are brave? They just. I mean, not to shake. She died bravely. Oh, yeah. Sure. They drowned or they froze to death. I guess that is a brave death.

Joe:

That's right.

Ashley:

It's one any sailor could hope to have.

Joe:

Boy, look at all those knots you just tied. Oh, I drank it. I'm so nervous.

Chuck Cotterman:

And the improvised golden age radio players will be back with act two of Blue in the driver's seat. But now, a word from our sponsor, Busted Chairs. Imagine this. You go to the store, row after row of fabulous furniture meets your eye. One by one, you meticulously examine each chair, choosing your seat. Your very companion. With the utmost care, you carefully place the fully assembled, ready-to-sit chair into your car, then go to your house, set it in your living room, sit down, and what do you do? Break it in. Wouldn't it be great if it was just broken for you? Busted chairs, chairs for every dairy air, never in need of repair because that's not what you want. That's not what your seat wants. Cushions that have gone flat, leather that's been perfectly stretched, wooden chair arms that have varnish already mostly worn away. What's that smell? Comfort. Busted chairs. We clean them before we sell them. And now, act two of Blue in the driver's seat.

SPEAKER_03:

Blue surveyed the austere exterior of the orphanage.

Joe:

Oh. Lovely. Beautiful gothic building here. Wow.

SPEAKER_08:

What's that I hear out there?

SPEAKER_03:

She hated to hear admiration of this dusty old relic.

Joe:

Climb up these here stairs.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

Joe:

Climbing, climbing, climbing. Hello. And uh this big knocker on the door here. I'll just go ahead and pull that back and that should do the trick!

SPEAKER_03:

Miss Lily was, of course, watching this whole thing and was slightly perplexed.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm confused it took you so long to get up the steps.

Joe:

Whoa, uh uh hello.

SPEAKER_08:

Uh oh I oh my goodness, I recognize you.

Joe:

I was uh admiring the steps. You recognize

SPEAKER_08:

I recognize you. Oh, I get that a lot. Well, I didn't think that this would be the day that a real-life movie star would walk into my orphanage, but.

Joe:

Well, uh yes, yes, that's right. I'm the real movie star and not his twin brother.

SPEAKER_08:

I I know we've just met and everything, but you've changed my life. You've changed my life. Really? I I I think I might be I think I might be ending my 13-year marriage, and I've been going to your pictures every week. I've been walking across town, I've been going to see them, and and it's given me a little glimmer of hope in a life that I didn't think had any I've said too much. Oh no, no.

Joe:

This didn't phase blue at all. Now I hear it all the time. There's always hope in life. Now, I'm in the market for a boy. I've heard that before, yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_10:

But he was also in the market for love. He'd never seen a woman look at him with such a sparkle in her eye, even if she wasn't actually looking at him per se. Because he was not true, but he was blue.

SPEAKER_08:

I've heard on those big movie pictures sometimes when you when you show up to set, you get to request any kind of food you want, and they'll deliver it to you right on set. That's right. But what do you like to request? Oh, uh, well, uh, I prefer hot dogs. Oh, that's that's why I liked you. I always thought you were kind of a down-to-earth kind of guy.

Joe:

All the choppings.

SPEAKER_08:

Anyway, back back to the kids. Back to the kids.

Joe:

Oh, please, yes. Uh well, uh I say a boy, it's uh one that I met in particular, uh Tucker. Tucker. It's me. Oh Tucker. Yes, yes, there you are, son, yes.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, you changed out of your gasoline soaked clothes. Well, yes. Not I. I've been wearing these all afternoon.

Joe:

Okay, well. It's got a certain charm to it, I guess. Have you asked her already? Uh uh well, we were just uh we were just getting to that, actually. Um you see, uh, this boy here proposed that I adopt him, and uh Tucker can be very convincing. At first it sounded like a big commitment. I just wanted to take him across state lines in my car, but apparently, you know, a whole thing.

SPEAKER_08:

The problem is I've grown really attached to Tucker. Oh? Mm-hmm. What? Yeah, I I haven't always done the best job at showing it.

SPEAKER_09:

In fact, I'm caught awful at showing it, but Yeah, yesterday you shoved me out of my room and down the stairs.

SPEAKER_08:

Shh Well uh I'll hit the wall again. Tucker didn't even flinch.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh.

SPEAKER_08:

I didn't know you cared for me. Of course I care for you, Tucker. It's just I I grew up in this orphanage too, you know? Nobody ever showed me care. I don't know how to show it to other people. I'm saying too much again, aren't I?

SPEAKER_03:

Flashback to 1919, the year that the Titanic sank, probably. Little Lily in that austere orphanage. Sad and alone, a little girl afraid.

SPEAKER_08:

Mom and Dad will come right back. I know it.

SPEAKER_10:

No, they drowned in the cold, cold ocean.

SPEAKER_08:

What?

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah. What? The boat.

Ashley:

But rest assured, they were brave about it.

SPEAKER_10:

There were only a few life rafts. They were unable to fight to get themselves on it.

SPEAKER_08:

There's no way you know for sure. They're on their way back. They they said they'd never leave me. They were so brave.

unknown:

Shh.

SPEAKER_08:

Like, like, what happened? What do the stories say?

SPEAKER_10:

The stories say they drove straight into an iceberg on purpose.

Ashley:

Your father shoved your mother down first.

SPEAKER_10:

It was a brave move. Yeah, so they went down with the ship, so you gotta stay here for forever.

SPEAKER_08:

Well, I I have aunts and uncles. I mean, they were on the ship, but surely one of them got on a boat.

SPEAKER_03:

We'll be right back after our trip from Europe, they said. They said.

SPEAKER_10:

They said they said. Well, they had a great time on the family cruise without you until they did it.

SPEAKER_08:

Okay, well, I'm I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna stay at this orphanage, and one day it's gonna be the best orphanage anyone has ever seen. And you and and you won't even rem- you won't even remember that I was once sad about my parents dying in the Titanic. You won't even remember that about me.

SPEAKER_03:

She looks at the pristine wall. It was beckoning to her. She knew what she had to do.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm gonna hit this wall.

SPEAKER_10:

Just like I do. You watch me hit it for oh, I just did it. I just hit it. You hit it. Go ahead. Hit the wall.

SPEAKER_08:

There. There. There. There! I'm so mad that my parents are dead!

SPEAKER_03:

Don't forget about the rest of your family. They died too.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh my god! They're dead! One hit for every family member who's dead.

SPEAKER_10:

That's right. You are going to be my greatest protege. Keep hitting that wall.

SPEAKER_04:

I am, I'm hitting it!

SPEAKER_09:

Are you okay over there? Snap out of it. Oh um.

Ashley:

Um, sorry. I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't mean um Yeah? Yeah. I have a confession to make.

Joe:

Well, spit it out, Lamblick. What is it?

Ashley:

I've I've fallen in love with an with someone who has just arrived on this ship. A pa a passenger? You shouldn't be fraternizing with the passengers. Oh. Well, I couldn't help myself. He's so handsome and vulnerable and wonderful.

SPEAKER_10:

He does sound like he has a certain feral charm. And at that moment they pulled up right to the dock, and the anchor began to lower.

Ashley:

You've got docking duties, you. Yeah, I'm doing I'm doing I'm sorry. Let me uh hoist the message. That's two shots in the water. Yep. That's anchor talk for you. That's right. I know. I'm the captain. Anchors away, Captain. Some more for you. Let me handle the mast real quick. It's it's up.

Joe:

Yeah, we put the up when we get into the dock.

SPEAKER_06:

The mizzen is up. Alright. I'm crushing my boat dock.

Joe:

I see that you've been taking that home course. That's very good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_10:

And at that moment, Blue walked up to ask, where's the best place to eat at this port? Captain, here it comes.

Ashley:

Captain, here it comes.

Joe:

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_06:

Uh Yes, what is it?

Joe:

Uh well, uh. Go easy on him, Captain. I was just um wondering, here in this port, where's the best place where I could pull in and maybe have a little something to eat?

SPEAKER_06:

Something to eat? You don't like what we serve here on this ship? Easy, Captain! Your heart! Your heart! Your lungs! Oh! My heart!

unknown:

Oh!

SPEAKER_06:

You're right! Let me take one of my pills.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh!

Joe:

Oh! Hey, the lampwick! You're right. Well, uh, you you could try Maggie's. Stranger. Um, it's just right over there.

Ashley:

Um, I can show you.

Joe:

Oh, would you?

Ashley:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10:

And they walk down the bridge together, not hand in hand, but side by side, to walk into Maggie's restaurant. This is a sailor's knot, and this is a mermaid knot. Oh.

Joe:

And this one is Wow, look at the fish tail, yeah.

SPEAKER_10:

Inside the restaurant, there were a few people eating back in the back corner, and they look surprised to see these two enter.

SPEAKER_03:

Look at these two interesting men! I'm surprised.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm very mused and surprised.

SPEAKER_10:

Not too many people come into this place unannounced. But both the managers recognize Blue right away.

SPEAKER_03:

Don't you? Don't you don't you see who that is? Oh, I see.

SPEAKER_08:

That's for an auto stew, right?

SPEAKER_03:

We have a celebration. Get the celebrity stew. Celebrity stews, an order of celebrity stews! Yes, yes, yes, yes, Mr. Bullmont! Yes, Mr. Bullmont, come right here! Ah, ah, ah, oh, yes, I'm gonna go. Uh we'd like a table for two. I guess of course, of course. Hey, you swine, get out of all the rest of the seats! Everyone out of here!

SPEAKER_09:

Still eating! No!

SPEAKER_03:

Go out, everyone out! There's a celebrity here with his male friend!

SPEAKER_08:

One celebrity stew just for you, sir.

Joe:

Oh, celebrity stew. Well, I I've had celebrity stew every year or every place from walla walla to Timbuktu. Let's try this one right here. Okay.

SPEAKER_10:

And as he tasted the warm and delicious stew, he started to feel full and happy. Meanwhile, back at the orphanage, not feeling full and happy, was the couple. She had made a decision.

SPEAKER_03:

So, Lily, what is uh a seven-letter uh proper noun? Enough with your crosswords, Chris! A boat, like a famous boat tragedy. Starts with P. Chris, ends with C, and the rest of the letters I do not have.

SPEAKER_10:

And she slapped him.

SPEAKER_08:

Ah! I have a dead cheek! I have a dead family, Chris. In case you didn't remember, where do you think they died? Do you remember, Chris? Uh, Lusitania. God damn it, you and your mind. Ah! Or lack thereof!

SPEAKER_02:

Alright.

SPEAKER_08:

You know what, Lou.

SPEAKER_10:

I have a couple of oh, you go. And he pulled a paper out of his pajama pocket that he'd been holding there. Not an adoption paper. No, no. A divorce paper.

SPEAKER_03:

I've been writing this myself. It was in the form of a crossword puzzle. What is a? It starts with D. It's divorce, Chris. Can you fill could you sign the bottom of this, please?

SPEAKER_08:

I'd be happy to. In fact, nothing would make me happier.

SPEAKER_03:

And also, could you help me out of the bed? I'm going to try to stand up.

SPEAKER_08:

What you're turning your life around now? Why not?

SPEAKER_10:

Why not? So she signed it. Left the room. Downstairs, True was with Tucker.

SPEAKER_09:

So you signed it?

Joe:

I did. I I've signed the papers, and you're going to be mine.

SPEAKER_09:

Oh, I'm so excited. This is gonna be great.

Joe:

Yes. I'll teach you accounting.

Ashley:

Okay. That sounds great. Tucker was still in his gas soiled overalls.

SPEAKER_09:

But uh did you read the clause at the bottom? The one that says that somebody else has to come with me.

Joe:

Well, yes, of course I did. I'm very good with contracts. Yes, I uh so Did you have someone in mind?

SPEAKER_09:

Well, it says specifically it's the owner of the orphanage. I forgot she has to come with us.

SPEAKER_08:

Let's get in the car and go. Our new little family, yeah? Yeah, this is gonna be great. One celebrity, one beautiful, perfect child.

SPEAKER_09:

Wait, what do you mean a celebrity?

Joe:

Oh, well. I uh have one of a lot of accounting awards.

Chuck Cotterman:

The improvised gold mage radio players will be back with Act 3 and the thrilling conclusion of Blue in the driver's seat. But what's a chair without a little character? New chairs don't have that wobbly bit. They don't lovingly creak under your weight, they don't shed parts as you slide them across the room, they don't have that stain. Busted chairs come pre-stained, pre-moistened, and pre-wobbled so that you don't have to spend all of that time with a new, well-designed, modern piece of furniture. Yes, modern furniture isn't dangerous. It wasn't owned by murderers or bought at police auctions after murders. It doesn't get sticky for no reason. But do you want a piece of reliable factory-made furniture? No. You want furniture that was loved by another previous owner, or possible possibly several, only a portion of which were murderers or murder victims. Busted chairs. It was good enough for someone else. Who do you think you are anyway? And now, Act 3 and the Kill Thurley and conclusion of Blue in the driver's seat.

Ashley:

Across town, Maggie's is uh ha serving dinner to two people and two people only when all of a sudden a family of three walks in.

SPEAKER_03:

Excuse me!

SPEAKER_08:

Uh wait, what about we never have people come in here on an owls? Oh my godness!

SPEAKER_03:

But but also, we already have one celebrity, and he looks exactly like you. And we only have so much celebrities to.

Ashley:

And I only have so many knots to give away.

Joe:

I uh I get that a lot. I've heard a lot about this restaurant, and uh, I thought I'd bring my new family here. I've never eaten this this this little type doesn't have the hang of eating.

Ashley:

Tucker still smells like gasoline.

SPEAKER_03:

Let me hose you down out back.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. What what was that post saying earlier about you and a brother or a twin or or something?

Joe:

Oh yes, uh, well, I do have a twin brother. He's um in the movies.

SPEAKER_01:

You're not famous?

Joe:

Ah, well, in certain circles, I mean certain.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what I mean? Don't make me hit you!

Joe:

Oh, well. See. I didn't okay. I thought that was the wall, but you're right.

Ashley:

Tucker runs back in smelling like lavender.

SPEAKER_03:

I hosed you down with my lavender hose.

Ashley:

I love being hosed.

Joe:

Now, how would you like a big bowl of celebrity stew? I heard you had some celebrity stew here.

SPEAKER_03:

I guess we could go into the kitchen.

SPEAKER_08:

Yes, I'm I don't- he will not be having celebrity stew. What he's not a celebrity!

SPEAKER_03:

That's great because I only have three more prawns.

SPEAKER_10:

In the private room, which was just divided by a curtain, the sailor and blue were having a nice conversation.

Ashley:

So you see, that's that's why I signed up to be a sailor.

Joe:

That's an amazing story, Len.

Ashley:

It wasn't too many details.

Joe:

No, no, I'm glad you shared it with me.

SPEAKER_10:

And they heard the ruckus outside the curtain.

SPEAKER_03:

But I don't what's going on here? I'm so confused! What's going on? I don't know. I am out of prawns, I only have three!

SPEAKER_09:

Can I eat, please?

Ashley:

Letquick, do you hear that going zong? I sure do. I wonder if I just pull back this curtain if I could.

SPEAKER_03:

The sailor pulls back the curtain. Wait, there are two of you! True! Blue!

Joe:

It's you.

SPEAKER_08:

I'm still hungry. I've fallen in love with the wrong man.

SPEAKER_03:

Alright, let me uh try to get this all explained. Whom are you in love with? And what is your name?

SPEAKER_08:

I own the orphanage, and I'm in love with whoever is more famous.

SPEAKER_03:

Ah, very good. I understand perfectly now.

Ashley:

Well, I'm a sailor and I'm in love. Well, I'm in love. I'm in love. I'm in love with a man who stole my heart when he walked onto my boat.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. That's cool.

Ashley:

I don't care if he's famous or not. We could do accounting if he wants to. Why is this place all cleared out?

SPEAKER_06:

I'm just trying to get a meal around here.

SPEAKER_03:

Captain, Captain!

Joe:

Hello!

SPEAKER_03:

Captain, no, Captain, you're not allowed in here. This has been cleared out just for a celebrity. And also we're having a mix-up with two people here. And now what are your names, sirs?

Joe:

Well, uh I'm blue, blue Beauregard from the pictures. Okay. It turns out that uh well, I I was studying to be a sailor for my new picture, and I at first thought I fell in love with the life of a sailor. But maybe, just maybe, I fell in love with a sailor.

SPEAKER_08:

You don't mean it. Yes. Now that blue's off the market, I still am single and I accept your proposal. Okay, that adds up to me.

SPEAKER_10:

What if we all just got a spoon and ate this big bowl of celebrity stew together?

Ashley:

All of a sudden the door opens, and in standing in the doorway is Chris?

SPEAKER_03:

I'm so hungry after walking this far away. Whoa, Lily, what are you doing here?

SPEAKER_08:

Chris, I it it's a bad time because I just am now recently engaged.

SPEAKER_03:

To whom? To which man?

SPEAKER_08:

To this man.

SPEAKER_03:

Name him!

SPEAKER_08:

Whichever one would make you more sad.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm sad regardless!

SPEAKER_08:

True it is.

Ashley:

I can make you a nut though.

SPEAKER_09:

Tucker. And both of my parents have been missing for a long, long time. Wait a second. You look like me.

SPEAKER_03:

I do. And you look like me as well.

SPEAKER_09:

That's weird.

Ashley:

Hold on. Like me. Chris pulls out his wallet.

SPEAKER_10:

And he transports himself to a time before he had met Lily. Back in his heyday in high school when he had a girlfriend named Lucinda.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh. Lucinda. Yeah. That was quite the act of physical love.

SPEAKER_10:

Sure was. I liked it. They're both still fully clothed.

SPEAKER_03:

So I have to be honest with you. What? I'm going to leave off far off, somewhere to the coastline to find myself.

SPEAKER_10:

Okay. I'm going to stay right here because I have to uh go to my job tomorrow. And when I go to my jab, I've got to make money. So I'm going to stay here and uh live my life too. Nice having Whoopi with you.

Ashley:

We flash for 10 months. Lucinda is giving birth in a hospital.

SPEAKER_12:

All by herself. Ow.

SPEAKER_10:

I need a cigarette. Ow.

SPEAKER_03:

Here's your cigarette, ma'am.

SPEAKER_10:

Thank you for sharing, doctor. Ow. Oh.

SPEAKER_03:

And I have a cigar. Congratulations on the baby.

Ashley:

Yeah, thank you so much. That was back when childbirth didn't hurt at all. It was easy and painless.

SPEAKER_03:

All right, well, uh, what do you want me to do with a baby?

SPEAKER_10:

I don't know. I gotta work tomorrow, so why don't I just leave him here and I'll come back when I want to?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm going on a road trip. You want me to just drop him off at an orphanage?

SPEAKER_10:

Sounds great.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_10:

Well, nice sharing a cigarette with you.

SPEAKER_03:

Congratulations on the incredible uh miracle of birth.

SPEAKER_10:

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_03:

Off I go.

SPEAKER_10:

I think you're my dad. Who, me?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. From that one night of physical love?

SPEAKER_10:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh.

SPEAKER_10:

I just feel like drawn to you.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh. And I feel drawn to you. Well, does someone have the the papers to adopt a little boy and drive him across state lines?

Ashley:

Mr. Beaumont has the papers in his pocket. He sh shuffles around in his big pocket. There's a lot of things in there. He's got a receipt from the gas station. Got a receipt from the other gas station he stopped at. Okay. He also bought a Slurpee somewhere.

Joe:

Oh, delicious.

Ashley:

Let me get a little more of that. Ah, there it is.

Joe:

Okay. Here. Yes. Uh I I do have these adoption papers. Uh unfortunately, they're already filled out in my name. That's okay. You could just change it. 1942. Lax back then. I can change it. Because I'm a notary public. Oh!

SPEAKER_03:

That's great!

Ashley:

Yes! Becoming a notary public only costs$40 and a six-week course.

SPEAKER_03:

Now I've been paying attention to all this, and as a notary public, are you also able to officiate a wedding? Of course. Alright, great. Well then officiate a wedding, I suppose.

SPEAKER_10:

Okay, uh And so he did. True and Lily said their I do's first. I do. I do. And then Blue and the Sailor said I do second.

SPEAKER_03:

I do and then fellow manager, I love you as well.

SPEAKER_08:

Oh, what? Oh my gosh, I'm so confused.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, well, everyone's getting married. Us too. I do! I do celebrity stew! Celebrity stew!

SPEAKER_10:

And then the captain finished the last slurp of everyone's celebrity stew.

Joe:

Delicious!

SPEAKER_10:

You know, the captain of a ship can marry people too! And he decided he would be married to the sea. My life was first.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm the spirit of the ocean.

Joe:

Calling to me.

SPEAKER_03:

Come back to me, Captain Dear.

Ashley:

Come back. I'm the heart of the ocean. Do you get it?

Joe:

Yeah.

Ashley:

You get it?

Joe:

Yeah, we uh uh I was just uh talking to the spirit of the ocean.

Ashley:

Yeah, but I'm the heart of the ocean, and we've talked about the Titanic a lot.

SPEAKER_10:

Yeah, I know.

Ashley:

Do you get it? I do.

SPEAKER_10:

And at that moment, the longest, fanciest car pulled up in front of the restaurant. And they all walked out. Blew open the front door, sat in the driver's seat.

Joe:

He rolled down the window and said, You know, this whole time, this little boy didn't get anything to eat.

Chuck Cotterman:

Put your hands together for the improvised golden age of radio players. Fantastic Blue in the driver's seat. Tonight's episode was sponsored by Busted Chairs. Remember, each chair is blasted with our proprietary lavender hose. If you have any complaints, no worries. We'll send you another uniquely worn-out chair. Busted chairs can't guarantee stability, longevity, or personal health after sitting in a busted chairs chair. Blue Beauregard will be appearing at the Busted Chairs shipyard across from the old docks Sunday at 8. Thanks for coming out, everybody, to our first show at I.O. We'll have two more on Saturday, the 17th, and Saturday the 24th. Uh, if you'd like to hear more, we're at ImprovisedRadio.com as well as on Spotify, and please catch us on Instagram at Improvised Radio Show. And once more, your hands together for Joe Hardenstein, Ben Vijin, Jordan Dreichart, Shelby Burton, Ashley Whitehurst, Eric Peterson, and Ed Zach at the table. And I've been your announcer, Chuck Cotterman. Thank you very much. Have a great night.