Jockeying For Position (Ft. Beth Melewski)

Michigan soft wool presents a pointless tale of weirdos and mendicants! Live at Second City on 8/21/25 featuring Improvised Shakespeare Beth Melewski! How lucky are we!? (very lucky).  

Host: Peter Corey

Foley: Katlin Schneider

Production: Ed / Victoria 

Cast:

• Ashley Whitehurst - Kid!, The Other Jockey
• Ben Vigeant - Opening Narrator, Randy the Bookie, a Jockey
• Beth Melewski - Borris the bookie, Hank The Tallest Jockey
• Carly Olson - Denise, The Constable
• Eric Pedersen - Buddy, Pete the Tiny

Here is stupid AI summary of the show!:

A silent door swings open, a woman in red steps into a Chicago office, and Buddy the financial consultant realizes he’s not just balancing books, he’s staring down a full-blown noir mess. We’re performing a fully improvised old time radio comedy show live, so every choice becomes canon instantly: the slippery olive oil “fix,” the nervous narration, and the dawning fear that the client’s problem isn’t a spreadsheet, it’s a crime story with teeth.

The trail leads straight to a racetrack where the races are fixed, the bookies are desperate, and a “Trojan horse” is not a metaphor. We meet crooks with big plans and bad instincts, a teenager who’s furious at her mother, and jockeys arguing about whether winning is even allowed when mob money runs the board. Special guest Beth Meluski joins the chaos with sharp character work that helps the whole audio theater world snap into focus, from menace to sincerity to pure nonsense in a single beat.

Then it all slides toward the docks at Navy Pier, where a floating wooden horse, a very real badger, and a too-convenient clue threaten to turn Buddy’s investigation into a punchline. The finale brings the conspiracy back to its source, crashes into family secrets, and ends on the one place every good mystery eventually goes: a race you can’t control once someone decides to mean it.

If you love improvised comedy, audio drama, classic radio vibes, and Chicago stage energy, queue this up now. Subscribe, share it with a friend who misses old time radio, and leave a review, then tell us: which reveal hit you first, the badger or the “business plan”?

Transcript

Cold Open And Radio Sign On

SPEAKER_00 0:00

None of the gorillas have been tracked down yet. But zoo officials say there's nothing to worry about, and everything is Thunder Control. This is K-I-G-A-R Radio, remembering things so that you don't have to.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

The Improvised Golden Age of Radio is a fully improvised comedy show presented live to a studio audience. Staged and performed in the full style of classic old-time radio broadcasts, today's show was recorded on August 21st, 2025, at Second City's Donny Skybux Theater in Chicago, Illinois. This episode features special guest Beth Moluski of the Improvised Shakespeare Company and the once host of Cash Cat Chicago. If you're new to the broadcast, please like and subscribe anywhere podcasts are available. And get more information about shows and recordings at Improviseradio.com. Enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_05 1:07

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How are y'all doing tonight? Oh come on, ladies and company you can do better than that. It is a Tuesday night, but I know you're excited to be here at the Improvised Golden Age of Radio. Let's hear it! We're glad to have you here, and we're glad that we have a live studio audience. Because if we didn't have a live studio audience, why the show would be nothing at all. So thank you. Thank you all so much for coming out. Just some quick pieces of business before we get into the show tonight, and they are so quick. If a fire erupts on stage because we are having technical difficulties, get out of here. What are you doing? Scram. You can hit either exit on either side. Now that exit over there, that's the exit you want. Because that'll also lead you to the concession session. And we do not have an intermission tonight, folks. No, we want you on the edge of your seats for the entire time. And when you go out to that concession, you can get a drink, come back in. We are needy. Radio people love attention. So please come back, laugh, and enjoy. Now I'm talking to Vicky up in the booth. We have a few minutes before we get started, and we always like to l learn a little bit more about our live studio audience. So I'm gonna come to you, and maybe, just maybe, it'll be a part of the show. Thank you very much. So, anybody out there want to talk to me? You both pointed at each other. What's going on here? I gotta get a little bit of information about you both. Where are you both from?

SPEAKER_01 2:22

I live here. He's visiting, so we gotta give him a good Chicago experience.

SPEAKER_05 2:25

Oh, right on. Where are you from? In town. Oh, Lakeview. Lakeview, let's give it up for Lakeview, ladies and gentlemen. Now, where are you from, sir? New York. New York? New York City or just New York State? Or what are we talking about here?

SPEAKER_03 2:38

Brooklyn.

SPEAKER_05 2:38

Brooklyn, everyone. So what brings you to town? And can I get your name? Simon. And Simon and visiting my buddy. And what's your buddy's name? And we could just call him Buddy, that's fine. Hal? Buddy's good. Buddy. Okay. Simon and Buddy. So, Simon, what has Buddy shown you so far? Nothing. This is my first day in. He's he's got a whole day and he's shown you nothing so far? Just took you to Second City. That was the only thing, huh?

SPEAKER_01 3:04

He's visiting with his uh wife and kids. So he got away from his kids and wife for a little bit. But backstory, we're longtime college friends. I've been trying to get him to move to Chicago. He's trying to get me to move to New York. So we got a little, you know.

SPEAKER_05 3:16

Oh. That sounds sounds good. What do you both do for a living? Can I ask that?

unknown 3:20

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

Uh software engineer.

SPEAKER_05 3:22

Buddy's a software engineer. I don't know what software means, but I assume it's a nice coat that's warm and fuzzy or something. And you, sir? Consulting uh within finance. Consulting works in finance. Well, that's universal. That never goes anywhere. Uh, one of the oldest professions in the world, consulting and finance. So, what are you guys planning besides tonight? Anything else, or is this the one and only thing? Okay. What's the what's the way you two know each other?

unknown 3:47

College friends.

SPEAKER_05 3:48

College friends, but what college do you go to?

unknown 3:51

University of Michigan, go blue.

SPEAKER_05 3:52

University of Michigan, go blue. And did you guys both study software engineering and consulting and financing at your time?

unknown 3:58

Computer design.

Why We Improvise Old Time Radio

SPEAKER_05 3:59

Computer engineering for Simon over in you? Computer science. Computer science, wow. I don't know what the computer part is, but I love this so far. Thank you both so much. Thank you for talking to me for a little bit. Anyone else on this side want to talk to me just to give us a little more fodder? We got a few more seconds. None of you are interested. I can see the looks on your face. You're all avoiding eye contact right now. That's alright. Where are y'all from? Are you locals? Suburbs? Which suburbs are you from? I'm from Rockford. Rockford. Rockford, Illinois, huh? What's uh what's Rockford known for? Not much. Baseball and the rocks. That's what we got. Baseball and the rocks. Got it, got it, got it. Uh, how about you in the back? You you you really don't want to look at me at all. Not a lick of you wants to look at me, huh? We're just gonna take contagious laughter as our last little bit there. Looking after the booth, it looks we're about ready, so let's get to it. Before man's attention was captured by cellular telephones and these computer machines you're talking about, and of course, the humble television, the airwaves were ruled by a king, a different kind of king of communication, the radio. Night after night, parents and children alike gathered around with the warm tubes of the family receiver to be regaled with the most exciting news, gossip, and of course, the stories of the day. These productions were put on by crews working countless hours from from writing meticulous scripts and planning complex scenes to rehearsing until each moment was perfect. We have done none of that. Yes, tonight's the thrills, the chills, the cheers and tears, and of course the sounds are being created and performed on the spot without any preparation for you, our studio audience. The broadcast is live, folks, but it's also being recorded for everyone out there in Radio Land. So laugh loud, laugh long. And these m if these mics pick you up, you might be a part of radio history. Studio is about to turn over for the broadcast, so watch for the on-year sign, folks, and enjoy the show.

SPEAKER_04 6:12

It's a beautiful day in America. The sun rises in the east! Beginning far, far, far from us right here! Over New York! Over Brooklyn! And then it continues its crawl across the country. It's many neighborhoods, and then it's many civilians, Rockford and the rest. And then there's more. But we zoom in on one of the many skyscrapers, which scrape the sky in Chicago. We see a series of identically dressed men in gray suits with red ties marching down the streets, going into every single building in Chicago's loop! One man gets into the finance building downtown. His name? Buddy. He's been given the toughest case of his life. He looks through his briefcase and realizes this is gonna be the longest, longest week of his life.

SPEAKER_11 7:51

Excuse me, are you a financial consultant?

SPEAKER_02 7:55

Excuse me, ma'am, I didn't hear you come in.

Ashley 7:57

She's dressed in a red dress.

SPEAKER_11 8:00

I'm in need desperately of a financial consultation.

Ashley 8:04

This is Denise. She is in need of a financial consultation.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

Well, ma'am, as you can see on the door, which I guess was open. My name's Buddy. And I'm a financial consultant.

SPEAKER_11 8:17

That's why I walked in the door. It was closed at the time, so I could see that it said Buddy Financial Consultant, and I opened it and I walked inside. Really?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Opened it? I didn't hear anything.

SPEAKER_11 8:26

There's She kicked the door closed with her foot.

SPEAKER_02 8:30

It only makes the sound when you're closing it. Silent when you open it, I guess.

Ashley 8:34

I noticed that. You need some oil. Luckily, she has some oil in her big red bag. Here you go. It's olive.

SPEAKER_02 8:43

Alright, well, thank you, ma'am. Let me get to applying this olive oil to these hinges while I take your case. What what kind of consulting are you in need of?

SPEAKER_11 8:54

I'm in desperate need of financial analysis for my husband's business. You see, he ran away. He left me with a mess.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Your husband's gone. Do you need help finding your husband? Have you contacted the police?

SPEAKER_11 9:08

Oh no, I couldn't go to the police. What he did wasn't exactly legal.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

Oh, I I see.

SPEAKER_11 9:14

Yeah.

Ashley 9:15

They would probably clap me in handcuffs. Buddy really wants to ask her why, but resists the urge to ask her what happened to her husband. It would be terrible if they found out the awful thing that happened to him. Denise really wants to tell Buddy the truth, but she's resisting the urge.

SPEAKER_02 9:31

Well, I'm sure that's not something that uh let's just focus on the numbers, shall we?

Ashley 9:37

Okay, I guess if that's what you want to do, you're the financial consultant. They dance like this for the next 50 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

Well, there certainly is a lot of olive oil on the floor.

SPEAKER_11 9:48

Oh, yeah, it's all slippery. Oh no.

Trojan Horse Smuggling Confession

SPEAKER_02 9:52

I feel like I need to know a little more about the case before I take it.

SPEAKER_11 9:56

Sure, I could tell you all about it. Here, let me put my fur down.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Oh, you just dropped it on the floor, it's covered in oil.

SPEAKER_11 10:05

Oh no. Well, now it's waterproof, I guess. So, the problem is my husband smuggled horses.

SPEAKER_02 10:16

A horse smuggling operation?

SPEAKER_11 10:17

Yeah. He would smuggle them in larger wooden horses. It was a Trojan horse scheme, you see.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Yeah, I can see how this business wasn't going great.

Ashley 10:28

Dance is almost giddy to tell the w tell this story.

SPEAKER_11 10:31

And the thing was, is that he tried he tried to put two mini horses into one big wood horse, and it went terrible.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

You you you are laughing about that story. Yeah. It sounds like many horses may have been injured.

SPEAKER_11 10:46

May have. I don't know. I'm just a woman.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Well, what kind of help do you need?

SPEAKER_11 10:53

I need help untangling the mess I'm in. You see, the books, they're all cooked. The horses, they're all glue. I don't know what to do. What?

SPEAKER_02 11:04

No, nothing. Go ahead, go ahead.

SPEAKER_11 11:05

Just I don't know what to do with all these loan sharks coming after me.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

You've got loan sharks coming after you. You're in trouble. Is that the case? You need more than help with the books. You need help with the mafia.

Ashley 11:18

Buddy reaches into a drawer where where he has a sp special weapon. Oh wow, a scimitar!

SPEAKER_02 11:26

This is the scimitar I keep whenever I'm on a dangerous consulting job.

SPEAKER_11 11:30

I knew you were the man for me. I mean, in a capacity of a financial advisor.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

That's the only capacity?

SPEAKER_11 11:38

I mean, we'll see. My husband did run away.

A Kid Joins Two Crooks

SPEAKER_04 11:44

All right. We gotta get that money from her, see?

SPEAKER_09 11:49

Okay, see? Well, I got two good hands for strangling.

SPEAKER_04 11:53

And I got one good gun and two lousy hands. It's pretty bad for shooting, Boris.

SPEAKER_09 12:00

Well, I think we're gonna do just fine, Randy.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

All right. This was Boris and Randy hiding behind the stables at the horse track, where they were local bookies and horse race fixers.

SPEAKER_04 12:15

Do you think she'll come back? We've been watching these horses all day.

SPEAKER_09 12:18

I know, and I got all my monies on them. Hi, yay, yay!

SPEAKER_04 12:23

I lost all my wooden nickels, I lost all of my paper dollars, and I lost well, uh, my wooden leg. No, not your leg. That's okay, I have a metal leg.

SPEAKER_09 12:34

Oh, that's the last one you'll ever get.

SPEAKER_04 12:37

Yeah, well, it I've got bad hands, a metal leg, and also that uh that eye that could see through time.

SPEAKER_09 12:46

Randy, I don't even know why you want to live anymore.

SPEAKER_04 12:48

Well, I know when I die.

SPEAKER_09 12:52

Yeah, you're right! And I'll know when you die too. That'll be a sad, sad day.

SPEAKER_04 12:58

It will be a sad day, and it's it's pretty soon, I'm sorry to say.

Ashley 13:02

What are you doing hiding out in? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, ho, ho, hey, hey, hi, hey ya, misters! What are you doing hiding out in here?

SPEAKER_04 13:11

Oh, oh, we're we're not hiding, we're just discussing big men talk.

SPEAKER_09 13:15

Yeah, we like watching the equines and talking about man stuff.

SPEAKER_04 13:19

Yeah, we're watching equises. We're watching equus.

Ashley 13:23

Okay, well, my mom might might be kind of mad that you're here without permission. Oh, well, she might be mad you're here without permission, little girl.

SPEAKER_04 13:31

Yeah, you turn it around on her. Good one, Boris.

Ashley 13:35

Except, except Boris, Mr. Mr. Boris. Yeah. Um, I live here. Ah, nuts! Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 13:42

Nuts, you're just a kid, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. Randy, don't strangle her.

Ashley 13:47

No, don't tell her, don't strangle me, Randy. Ah, I'm gonna strangle you!

SPEAKER_04 13:52

All right, fine.

Ashley 13:53

Why are you here?

SPEAKER_04 13:54

We were just hanging out. I I didn't notice that this was also a little girl's hiding place.

Ashley 14:00

Yeah. You're stepping on my doll.

SPEAKER_04 14:02

Well, I was wondering, but you have to keep in mind I'm stepping on with my metal legs, so I didn't feel it.

SPEAKER_09 14:08

All right, well, cut the crap. We were sent here to oh!

SPEAKER_04 14:12

Sorry, I had to slap you on the back. Not yet. There was a bug there.

SPEAKER_09 14:17

And a crow. When the crow calls five times, we know we gotta tell the truth. Well, that was five craws in this table. I lost count! Yeah. We're here to kill your ma. What? Yeah. Your dad sent us. We're here to kill her. Wait, what?

Ashley 14:35

My what? I don't even know where to start with this information. My dad? Is my mom dead? What? Wait a minute. My dad is alive and wants you to kill my mom. That's right. You got it all down, kid.

SPEAKER_04 14:51

Can you do me a salt? And not tell your mother.

Ashley 14:56

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_04 14:58

Great.

Ashley 14:58

Wait a minute. You want me to tell my mother not tell my mom.

SPEAKER_04 15:02

Yes.

Ashley 15:03

Two men named Boris and Randy. Yeah. Yeah. Want to kill her. Oh, man.

SPEAKER_09 15:13

I don't know if I can do this. Hold on, my horse is ahead. Oh! Go, go, go, go, go, oh!

SPEAKER_12 15:20

I know, come down the line. Come down the line, man. It's it's Shagamu! Shagamu! Bayanos!

Ashley 15:27

That's my horse.

SPEAKER_04 15:30

Um, I'm definitely gonna have to kill your mother now. I'm losing money.

Ashley 15:34

No promises that I won't tell her. Although we have been fighting a lot recently, so I haven't been talking to her. Ooh, what you fighting about? Just, you know, I'm growing up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 15:45

I remember. Yeah, I can see that. Anything you want to tell us two weirdos? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:51

Yeah, come on. Open up. Come on. Yeah, definitely. Keeping it inside hurts. It hurts.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

Hearing all the noise in the stables, a local constable swung by to investigate.

unknown 16:04

Hey.

SPEAKER_11 16:05

What's going on?

SPEAKER_04 16:07

We're just two older men hanging out with a young woman we just met. Nothing suspicious?

SPEAKER_11 16:12

That checks out.

Ashley 16:14

See you later.

SPEAKER_11 16:16

Thanks, Constable.

SPEAKER_09 16:17

Farewell, Constable.

Ashley 16:19

Um, anyway, you ever just wake up and feel really angry at the world? Yeah. That's just sort of how I've been feeling lately.

SPEAKER_09 16:25

Yeah, I was a teenager once. Really? Yeah. What was that like? Oh boy, it was nasty. My parents, dead and gone. Me, raised in an old tenement slum with the rats. No! Yeah. And then I met your man Randy over here.

SPEAKER_04 16:42

Hey, it's me, Randy. Hello!

SPEAKER_09 16:44

He saved my life.

SPEAKER_04 16:45

I saved Boris's life.

SPEAKER_09 16:47

How?

SPEAKER_04 16:48

I uh jumped in front of a car, and then I was hit by a car, and I lost my leg, and I could see through time.

SPEAKER_09 16:55

And we've been best friends ever since.

Ashley 16:57

Oh, you know what? If you have room for one more best friend, I'd sure like to be it.

SPEAKER_09 17:04

Oh you wanna join our vagabond gang of ragtag jerks?

SPEAKER_04 17:09

Yeah, you wanna join this group of scamps, vagrant mendicants? Us nerdy well nasty man children? Do you wanna see us ragamuffins? Uh these uh dusty old cousins?

SPEAKER_02 17:27

An hour later, they walked out of the stable, hand in hand, a new crew of raggedy andy rigamuffin banditos.

SPEAKER_11 17:38

We're gonna take on the world! Let's go! Yeah, let's go kill my mom! Meanwhile, in the jockey's lounge.

Jockeys Argue Over Fixing Races

SPEAKER_12 17:47

I'm sick of fixing all these races.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

I wanna race for Pier one time.

SPEAKER_12 17:51

I wanna see who's the best of all of us. What do you guys say?

SPEAKER_11 17:54

Little Pete was having a day.

SPEAKER_03 17:58

I said I I kind of like it. You like throwing races? I love throwing races. It's I think it's kind of fun. That's what you grew up dreaming to do?

SPEAKER_04 18:07

That's what I dreamed of when I was a little boy. Little Pete knew this because they were brothers, actually. Yeah, remember why I woke you up and I I shook you and shook you and shook you, and then said, I want to fix some races when I grow up and I become a little man riding a horse.

SPEAKER_03 18:24

Well, I do remember that. But I I just can't believe you followed through. I just can't believe you You became the best jockey in the world, and you use it to slow your horses down. I find it an interesting challenge. To can just to control the beast for the sake of it? Yeah!

SPEAKER_04 18:40

Man's dominion over animal. It's incredible.

SPEAKER_03 18:43

I like to use that dominion to go as fast as I can. I want to win, you see. I want to be the best! Huh.

SPEAKER_04 18:50

Well, I like failing. I get a lot of money for it. You think you're gonna win out there? You think you're gonna to to to win when all these horrible, violent men control our lives?

SPEAKER_11 19:04

And then in walked a man who was supposed to be dead.

Legendary Hank Returns With Sniggles

SPEAKER_08 19:11

You thought I was dead! I thought you were dead! Oh my god. Well, you're wrong. I was wrong! I'm alive! You're alive! The tallest jockey there was. You're five foot five! Yeah, and I'm back!

SPEAKER_04 19:27

Hey, can you reach that for me? Whoa, thanks! Can you reach that other thing for me? You got it! I'm not gonna be specific about it. Reach out of the other thing! This feels like a trick!

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Okay, was stop abusing Hank's height. Alright, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm thinking.

SPEAKER_08 19:44

Yeah, Hank's back!

SPEAKER_09 19:45

And I brought my own horse.

SPEAKER_04 19:47

Whoa, that's a tiny horse.

SPEAKER_09 19:50

Yeah, he's spit.

SPEAKER_11 19:54

Is that the name or what the horse does? Both! Giant Hank had been missing for years at this point. He was a legend in racing. The tallest jockey in the world. Where have you been all this time?

SPEAKER_09 20:08

Oh, wouldn't you like to know? I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Okay, thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 20:13

First, I was in Egypt.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

Whoa!

SPEAKER_09 20:16

You ever ride a horse across the ocean? No, neither have I. Okay, good. Second, moved on to Turkey. Oh! You ever ride a Turkish horse? No! Neither have I! Okay! Third, I'm back on the boat, and here I am! It took me that long!

SPEAKER_04 20:34

Did you ride a horse on the boat? Yeah, you betcha.

SPEAKER_03 20:37

I have never done that. You rode that boat just like the sun. From east to west.

SPEAKER_08 20:44

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

And then I assume through the Great Lakes, all the way here to Chicago.

SPEAKER_09 20:49

That's beautiful! You were always a poet.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

Wow, thanks, Hank. No one's made me feel good since you've been gone. Just Pete here, throwing race after race.

SPEAKER_04 20:59

We throw races here. It's a lot of fun. You get paid for it.

SPEAKER_08 21:02

I'm in!

SPEAKER_04 21:03

Great.

Michigan Software Fake Commercial Break

SPEAKER_05 21:08

That's the first act of our show. Hey you! We see you trudging the upper parts of the upper peninsula, missing the flinch you need to light a fire. Harboring down and because it's a little chilly in Ann Arbor. Well, are you suffering from hymathermia, but you're sick of lying about it? It's time for you to get warmed up or move to Florida if you're an elderly person. Yes, it's time for you to warm up with Michigan software. Yes! Fleece twined with fleece lined with wool torsed from the s uh sheep here in the Kalamazoo Zoo and trimmed with velvets that would make Helen of Troy blush. Yes, you know that Helen of Troy, the 80 year old seamstress, who's just, you know, still kind of hot. Yes, yes, Michigan software is your kind of wear. The outer wear that isn't just a hard thing, but a soft thing. Why, if your support for your team has gone has has not kept you a little warm and Uh in in Michigan? Well, we got a solution for you. It is the fleece line. Oh, so smooth, also wearable, and oh so sleek. Michigan Software. Yes, yes, yes. Michigan Software!

SPEAKER_09 22:13

Go blue or you'll be blue.

SPEAKER_05 22:15

Yes, go blue or you'll be blue from hypothermia and certain death. Yes, in fact, Michigan Software.

SPEAKER_09 22:22

Go blue or you'll be blue.

SPEAKER_05 22:23

Just one more time because the singing's just so divine.

SPEAKER_09 22:27

Go blue, or you'll be blue.

Buddy Investigates The Stables

SPEAKER_05 22:29

See, she had a little scat on the end there. And now we return to our regular scheduled program, jockeying for position.

Ashley 22:42

Buddy takes a trip down to the stables. He's wearing his finest suit and his finest shoes and trying hard not to get them dirty.

SPEAKER_04 22:51

Hey, are you some sort of financial inspector or whatever?

SPEAKER_02 22:55

How do I give that away so much? You just uh you have a surnare about yourself.

SPEAKER_09 22:59

You smell like money, and I've been in Egypt. I should know.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Egypt, you say.

SPEAKER_09 23:04

Yeah!

SPEAKER_02 23:05

My name is Buddy. What's yours? Hank! Alright, Hank and you, sir.

SPEAKER_04 23:10

I'm not legally required to tell you my name. I'm gonna keep it a secret.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

I'm not an officer of the law. You're not a cop. I'm not an officer of the law at all. I plead the fourth. Sure. I'm not I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

Which one's that one? You don't know. I'm not required to know. That's right. Call me Mr.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

Spitz.

SPEAKER_08 23:30

Good one.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

Space cadet. I'm just gonna talk to Hank.

SPEAKER_08 23:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

So Hank.

SPEAKER_08 23:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

What do you know about this place here? I've I'm on a mission. I'm trying to find out a little bit about the races. You know who might know who might win the races before they might happen, if you know what I might mean.

SPEAKER_09 23:49

I think I catch your drift. Um, I haven't been around for quite some time, but I can fill in some blanks. See? We're at stables, and there's horses here, and they race.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

Great, yeah. I'm on board so far.

SPEAKER_09 24:02

Buddy is furiously writing this down in his notebook. And sometimes people bet on those horses. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

Following so far.

SPEAKER_09 24:12

Hank is going too fast for Buddy.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

Actually, I lied. I lied. Can you rewind a little bit?

SPEAKER_09 24:17

There are six different horses. One's named Diamond, one's named Polly, the third one's named Big Red, there's Frank and Terrence.

SPEAKER_02 24:25

Terence, Frank, Big Red, Diamond? Are you getting all this? I think so. I think so. You're going really fast, Hank. You know a lot about horses.

SPEAKER_09 24:31

Yeah, well, I haven't been around much.

SPEAKER_02 24:34

Sounds like you know more than you're letting on.

SPEAKER_09 24:37

Horses are my first love.

SPEAKER_02 24:39

Let me ask you something, Hank. If I wanted to hide a bunch of horses inside of a bigger wooden horse, do you know who I might talk to about something like that?

Ashley 24:46

This is exactly the question Hank has been waiting for.

SPEAKER_09 24:50

Ho, do I know something about that? Ho ho ho!

SPEAKER_08 24:54

Ho ho ho ho!

unknown 24:56

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

SPEAKER_04 24:59

Pete, is this unusual for Hank to laugh like that? No, we're both laughing. Okay. A comical thing for you to say. You mused us.

SPEAKER_09 25:08

The couple that owns this stables, they might know something about that too.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

A couple owns the stable, you say. What do you know about them?

SPEAKER_09 25:16

I know one's nasty and one's nice. You this is up to you to figure out who's who and what's what.

SPEAKER_02 25:21

Alright, you got their names?

SPEAKER_09 25:22

Mm-hmm. Mr. and Mrs.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

Alright. I'll take it, Hank. So there's a naughty and a nice.

SPEAKER_09 25:29

And I can't tell you tell you everything. You gotta figure something out yourself.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

Just point me in the right direction. Where do I go next?

SPEAKER_09 25:35

North.

Ashley 25:37

Hank Hank points south accidentally.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Are you sure you know we're inside the stables? Are you sure you know which way is which, Hank?

SPEAKER_09 25:44

What do you think I am? A human compass?

SPEAKER_02 25:47

Alright, I'm gonna head north, which I assume is to the offices.

SPEAKER_09 25:51

You got it.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

Alright.

SPEAKER_09 25:53

Best of luck to you.

SPEAKER_02 25:54

Thanks, jockeys. I feel like there's more for me to learn here, but maybe I'll get back.

SPEAKER_04 25:59

You're welcome. I was a big help.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

I'm gonna go talk to the manager of the entire racetrack. Maybe there'll be something for me there, some clue as to where the owner of the horses and the rigors of the races might be.

Ashley 26:15

Buddy steps in horseshit on his way out.

Trenton And The Milk Cabinet

SPEAKER_02 26:21

Silent horseshit. Lifting my foot is what made the noise. It's not going in, it's just when you close it. No one's here. Hello?

SPEAKER_11 26:34

Hey, what are you doing? Huh?

unknown 26:35

Huh?

SPEAKER_02 26:36

I didn't see you there.

SPEAKER_11 26:37

You blend in with the walls.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

I'm looking. My name's Buddy. I'm a financial consultant. Who is the tracks manager? Mr. Trenton. I'm looking for somebody in charge over here.

SPEAKER_11 26:50

I'm in charge?

SPEAKER_02 26:51

Alright, what's your name?

SPEAKER_11 26:52

Mr. Buddy.

SPEAKER_02 26:54

I'm Buddy.

SPEAKER_11 26:55

Mr. Trenton.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

What do you got going on there, Trenton?

SPEAKER_11 27:01

I don't know. I was kicked in the horse by a head!

SPEAKER_02 27:04

Oh my god. Well, I doubt you're gonna be a lot of help from the start here, but I'm gonna keep it pulling threads.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

Mr. Trenton was selected for his extreme ability to not know anything. Perfect. To hide a cry.

SPEAKER_11 27:18

So? Are you some sort of cop?

SPEAKER_02 27:21

I'm not a cop. I'm a financial investigator, and somebody sent me here because they got robbed.

unknown 27:26

What happened?

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Well, they didn't really get robbed. It's more that they're married to somebody who's been very financially irresponsible with scheme after scheme and kind of dragged them down with it and disappeared.

SPEAKER_11 27:37

You talked a long time, sir.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Why, thank you.

SPEAKER_11 27:42

Do you want some juice?

SPEAKER_04 27:44

Mr. Trenton opened up his cabinet. It was filled with milk. Cow juice! Cow juice.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

I I love a nice cow juice thing.

SPEAKER_11 27:54

God, it's been sitting in the cupboard for days.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

I feel like I was doing better with Hank.

SPEAKER_04 27:59

A strange odor emanated from the cupboard. Buddy started to feel a little wobbly.

SPEAKER_11 28:07

Oh, careful! Don't fall over. I got piles of nails around. Oh no. Ugh, what's that smell? Uh oh. You're looking a little not so well, mister. Maybe you should lie down.

SPEAKER_04 28:22

What did you do to me? Mr. Trenton didn't actually know what he had done.

Lunch Fight Teen Rage And Truth

Ashley 28:28

Meanwhile, across town, Denise and her daughter are out for lunch. You need to wear the dresses I buy you. You look like a common ragamuffin. What if I want to be a common ragamuffin mom? Don't you say that? Why not?

SPEAKER_11 28:44

Because you come from good stock. Your dad and I, who rest his soul, I think, didn't go from nothing to something just to have my daughter running around with hay in her hair.

Ashley 28:57

What if I like hay in my hair? What if I want to feel the breeze in my hair and I want it down and I want it to get in knots and not be able to put a comb through it every now and then? Your hair will be up and it will be straight and it will be snarl free, young lady.

SPEAKER_11 29:11

My name is indeed niece.

Ashley 29:16

Oh, don't you hmm me? I invented Mom, guess what? What? I'm gonna say something kind of hurtful, but I can't help it. It's boiling up inside of me. You are a teenager. It's coming out, it's gonna come out, it's gonna be a big thing. Oh, has that happened yet? No. Okay, we'll talk about it when it does. You would know. How would I know? You would know. I would know.

SPEAKER_11 29:37

You would know.

Ashley 29:37

Well, let's hope it doesn't happen at like a soccer game. Oh, let's hope.

SPEAKER_11 29:41

Or while you're playing tennis like it happened to some people.

Ashley 29:44

Or when you're watching your brother's soccer game. Oh no. That's terrible. Scary. Yeah, it's in a Loma Park.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

At that moment, though they had selected their seats for their remoteness from the other patrons, they had filled in around them, and many people were looking, wondering, was this just a hypothetical? And perhaps were these two talking about things that they knew a lot about personally.

SPEAKER_11 30:06

Hey, what are you two talking about? Lay off, mister. We're just bonding. Okay, off I go. Some people. Yeah.

Ashley 30:15

Anyway, you were boiling up? Yeah. Oh, I gotta get back in it. Because we were bonding a second ago, and I really gotta say something to you. Okay, you just say it. Close your eyes and say it. Okay, mom.

SPEAKER_11 30:26

We're talking about lady stuff? Yeah, we are talking about lady stuff, mister. Alright, I'll finish my grilled cheese. Okay. Try dipping it in ketchup. It's real good. Okay. Anyway. Come on, just say it. Mom? Yeah? I hate you. Mora Lee!

SPEAKER_04 30:50

You two talking about what happens with the woman's?

SPEAKER_11 30:54

We're talking about how sometimes a daughter and her mother don't get along so well, and sometimes people get stabbed in the eye when they don't mind their own business.

SPEAKER_04 31:02

Okay, I know what I'm not wanting. I'll go back to my tuna sale.

SPEAKER_11 31:08

Don't do that.

Ashley 31:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 31:09

Okay, I will.

Ashley 31:11

You hate me? Yeah. Like all the time or just sometimes? Just like really intensely the past month.

SPEAKER_11 31:18

Oh, maybe. Maybe specifically the past three weeks. Okay, yeah. I think that we're gonna need to be ready for something soon.

Ashley 31:26

Yeah, well, I'm gonna keep hating you until it happens. Okay. You're the one who made dad go away. No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_06 31:33

I don't think.

SPEAKER_11 31:35

What do you mean? How am I supposed to prove it? I love your father, and I just would show that in weird ways, I guess, you know? Like sometimes I would call him a dumb idiot. Yeah. But that's from love. And sometimes you wouldn't give him dinner? Yeah, because he was a little fatty fat. Um what? He stands around jockeys all the time. He looks huge.

Ashley 32:02

Just let him be him. This is your problem. You just pick at people. Oh, pick and pick and pick. Don't hunch. What if I want a hunch? You want to be a hunchback? Yeah.

Bookies Hear Husband Is Alive

SPEAKER_11 32:12

And I'll be a hunchback in Notre Dame? Good, good one, Mom. Thanks. Your mom's not so dumb, is she? She's not a dumb idiot. She's just married to one. The crow. Did you hear that? Yeah, I have to tell the truth to you. You do. I did make your father go away. What? Yeah, I withheld things that I probably shouldn't have. Like what? Who are you two talk about? Get out of here! I'll go back to my fluffinutter. Okay, don't package upon it.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

And not only had random Chicagoans been listening and eavesdropping and interrupting, but Lorelee's two new friends, Boris and Randy, had been at the table behind and heard just what they had come to hear.

SPEAKER_09 32:52

We heard everything!

SPEAKER_08 32:53

I heard what I just came to hear.

SPEAKER_09 32:55

Yeah! The husband's still alive!

SPEAKER_04 32:58

Or maybe, yeah, he is.

SPEAKER_11 33:01

Continue, please. Last I saw him, he was alive.

SPEAKER_04 33:05

Where? I'd say as a little girl.

SPEAKER_11 33:08

Did you just ask me where? Um, last I saw him, we were on the docks, and I told him he wouldn't fit in no wooden horse, being the big horses as he was. And he said, Well, just you watch, and then he went in the wooden horse, and then I never saw him again. Oh no, I have to tell the truth. I'm a little girl. I also sent in uh I sent in a badger into the wooden horse with him. Yeah, I had this badger. I was gonna use it to make a coat, but then instead I said, you know what? You go join my no-good husband. Oh no, that badger could have eaten him up!

SPEAKER_04 33:49

No, I hate badges!

SPEAKER_11 33:51

The last I saw, he was still living.

SPEAKER_04 33:54

I had a vision of with a badger from my right eye. We're gonna have to see a badger lady.

Ashley 34:00

Yeah, that's alright. So you just he just went into the wooden horse and you what turned around and walked away? Yeah, I don't got eyes in the back of my head. I couldn't see what happened next.

SPEAKER_11 34:11

Did you never want to know? Well, sometimes it's good to have a little mystery in life. You'll learn then. Oh no. Okay. Now I paid a guy to set the horse on fire.

Ashley 34:25

What? So he could be dead. Yeah, he might be dead, but it was on the dock, so it's possible maybe it fell into the water. I mean, it could have. Who knows? That's a great point, very good.

SPEAKER_04 34:34

That's a good point. Why did you set it on fire if you're pushing in the water?

SPEAKER_11 34:40

I set it on fire because I was steaming mad.

Ashley 34:44

Oh, like I'm steaming mad right now. Not only do I hate you for just being you, I hate you for killing my dad, possibly. Possibly.

SPEAKER_09 34:53

Well, the good news is we don't have to kill Ma.

SPEAKER_04 34:56

Well, yeah, I guess that is good news. We're gonna leave you with your horrible mother.

SPEAKER_09 35:02

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? I know. It's time for us to stop being your two dads and find your real one.

SPEAKER_04 35:08

Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna go uh dig him up or uh whatever you do with water. Dredge him up.

SPEAKER_09 35:15

We'll let you know if he's living or not.

SPEAKER_04 35:17

Great, thank you. If he's dead, we'll kill your mom. Thanks for picking up the check.

Michigan Software Runs It Back

Buddy Tails Goons To Navy Pier

SPEAKER_05 35:28

And that concludes the second act of Jockey and for a position. Listen! If you're a Michigander, you all share one thing in common, while that's being extra cold, even though you know how to talk about a mitten more than any other state. Yes? In fact, this scenario might sound familiar. Honey, I'm home. Well, hello dear. Well, I made you a drink even though I have plenty to do around the Darling, why are you so glum? Is it that obvious, honey? Well, yes, it's obvious because you just have a sour look on your face. Well, the reality is, um I get made fun of at work. Why that's preposterous, honey! You're working at the Ford factory for so long, they should really appreciate you there. Oh, they do, I suppose. I suppose it's just that well, I don't know, everybody else in the factory line has a cooler coat than me. Well, what are you talking about? I overstarch your overcoat every single day. That's the problem, honey! That's the fucking problem! Language, dear, language. Well, I'm sorry, I know we're a good Catholic family and all, but well then my coats are just too hard, honey. Too hard? Why what do you mean? Well, all the boys on the line, they have these soft and subtle and sleek and sexy looking overcoats that I Why they're just so light to the touch. Are you talking about Michigan software? Yes, I'm talking about Michigan software. Oh, you're talking about Michigan software. Yes, Michigan software! Why are we saying Michigan software so many times? I think it's for brand recognition, darling. Oh yes, of course. Why well, if you want them so bad, honey, I I guess I could pick you one up from Sears or something like that. Yes, I suppose you could. Or Shinola. I don't know shit from Chinola. I don't even know what Shinola is. I think it's they make watches or something, honey. We can't afford it. We work on your salary. That's right, honey. That's right. Say, I'll go down to Sears tomorrow. You don't think they're too expensive, do you? No, two for five. Two for five. Why that's a deal if I've ever heard one. Michigan software, you said yes, Michigan software, Michigan software, Michigan software. Yes, Michigan software, yes, Michigan software. Go blue, or you'll be blue that you did not go blue, as as it were. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return to our regularly scheduled program here for our final act of tonight's show, Jalking for position.

SPEAKER_02 37:51

I awoke from my curdled milk fume-induced coma that lasted several hours. And as I stepped outside, I noticed the car of two goons driving away. I hopped in my own car and I followed them down the highway for a few minutes until they pulled over to the docks.

SPEAKER_04 38:09

Hey boys, have you considered we were just told the docks. There are several docks of Chicago.

SPEAKER_09 38:14

Yeah, I know we couldn't get specific.

SPEAKER_04 38:16

Like, are we going to Belmont Harbor? We're going to uh Navy Pier?

SPEAKER_09 38:22

Let's start there!

SPEAKER_04 38:22

Let's start at Navy Pier! Hurrah! Alright! Ride go! Rootin' tootin'!

SPEAKER_02 38:29

I maintained my distance as I followed them, thinking that they'd lead me to wherever this twisted financial mystery led.

SPEAKER_11 38:37

Hey, Mista, you wanna uh Ferris wheel ride?

SPEAKER_02 38:40

Uh uh, no no, leave me. How about a t-shirt? No, no, sorry, I'm trying to sparkler. Okay, look.

SPEAKER_11 38:45

How about a hot dog?

SPEAKER_02 38:46

No, I don't know. How about a foam finger? Alright, give me a dog, give me a dog.

SPEAKER_11 38:49

Alright, here you go.

SPEAKER_02 38:50

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 38:51

Say, Boris, uh, I'm not seeing anything on the north side of the dock. So let's go to the south side of Navy Pier.

SPEAKER_09 38:57

That's smart, that's smart. I I think I see a little burn marked on on that dock.

SPEAKER_04 39:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 39:05

You see the same thing?

SPEAKER_02 39:07

Well, they marched to the subver southern side of the dock, on the far eastern side of the pier. I was about a hundred meters away, but I could see them talking, see them discovering something important.

SPEAKER_11 39:18

Hey, now you're on the south side. It's the bad part of Navy Pier. Yeah, you want a gun?

SPEAKER_02 39:23

You're selling guns right here, kid?

SPEAKER_11 39:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Alright, yeah, give me a gun. It might come in handy.

SPEAKER_11 39:27

All right, here you go, mister.

SPEAKER_02 39:29

Alright, thanks.

SPEAKER_04 39:30

Look at this burn mark! Exactly as you said.

SPEAKER_11 39:33

Whoa!

SPEAKER_09 39:34

That's wild!

SPEAKER_04 39:36

So wait. So she set fire to the wooden horse, which normally had horses in it, but in this case, had her husband who may be alive or dead. And a badger.

SPEAKER_09 39:47

You got it.

SPEAKER_04 39:48

Alright.

SPEAKER_09 39:49

Wait, what's let's go a little further. I see something.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Wait, what's that? Floating out there on the water. By this time I was only 10 meters behind them. I could hear everything they said.

SPEAKER_08 40:00

Open it up!

SPEAKER_04 40:02

Oh, okay. I I jumped out onto the water. Yeah, just like that. A huge splash, just like that noise. I swam. Which is really hard when you have a heavy metal leg.

SPEAKER_09 40:19

You can pee in the lake, it's fine.

SPEAKER_04 40:21

Alright? And then I peed in the lake. You know, it is drinking water. So I continued to swim and I made it out to the floating horse.

SPEAKER_09 40:32

Crank it open! What's in there?

Badger In The Floating Wooden Horse

SPEAKER_04 40:35

I reached for the crank! I cranked it. I cranked and cranked and cranked. And inside I saw it was a badger.

SPEAKER_07 40:49

This is exactly how I knew I would die! This is how I knew it would happen!

SPEAKER_02 40:55

The Badger ripped his face to shreds right in front of me.

SPEAKER_07 40:59

No! My face! I needed that!

SPEAKER_02 41:02

He stayed alive and was able to scream for an amazing amount of time considering how much blood he was losing.

SPEAKER_07 41:08

Now I'm drowning though! You are my best friend! I didn't hear that I have swimmers here! You are my best friend! Oh, I've got swimmers here!

SPEAKER_04 41:17

And then I died.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

Hey! What? What are you doing down here?

SPEAKER_09 41:23

I lost my best friend. I'm grieving.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

Yeah, I saw that. What were you doing down here in the first place? He got what he deserved.

SPEAKER_09 41:29

You got a hot tip. We were hoping the guy who used to own the stables was locked away in this wooden horse. But it was just a nasty badger.

SPEAKER_02 41:37

Whoa. Just a nasty badger.

SPEAKER_09 41:41

I don't know. You want to take a peek with?

SPEAKER_02 41:42

No, no, no. I saw what happened. I saw what happened.

Ashley 41:45

But why don't you take a look?

SPEAKER_02 41:46

I feel like this must mean I've been set up.

Ashley 41:48

Coincidentally, Buddy has his finest swimming trunks on. And he hasn't used them in a while, so why not? Why not take a swim?

SPEAKER_02 41:58

I do always keep my swim trunks on underneath my suit.

SPEAKER_09 42:01

Who does it?

SPEAKER_02 42:02

So let me drop these knickers on and hop right in, but I still have this rifle I just bought. Not a pistol. A rifle.

SPEAKER_09 42:14

I can hold that.

SPEAKER_02 42:15

No, no, no, I'm going to bring it with me. Oh, good call! Yeah, yeah.

Ashley 42:18

You know what? What the hey? Boris decides. Why not? He's also got a pair, a bright new pair of knickers.

SPEAKER_09 42:26

That's what men did in the time.

SPEAKER_02 42:28

You're coming in with me?

SPEAKER_09 42:29

You bet I am, baby.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

I feel like this is a trap.

SPEAKER_09 42:33

No, I think it's the beginning of a beautiful new best friendship.

Ashley 42:37

But he suddenly remembers he's got sensitive skin. He needs to apply sunscreen before he gets it.

SPEAKER_02 42:43

Oh shoot. I don't have any sunscreen, do you?

SPEAKER_09 42:45

Oh no, look at me. I'm like a leather bag.

unknown 42:48

Hey!

SPEAKER_11 42:49

Down here, we're on the wet side in AVP and you need some sunscreen!

SPEAKER_02 42:54

How many are you, kids?

SPEAKER_11 42:55

I'm one!

SPEAKER_02 42:56

Oh, it's the same kid over and over?

SPEAKER_11 42:58

Yeah, I just change a little everywhere I go.

SPEAKER_02 43:00

Alright, give me some of that thick sunwax that you sell.

SPEAKER_11 43:03

Oh, yeah, sun wax. Here you go, sir.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

Let me just apply it. Sure, is the extra charge?

SPEAKER_11 43:11

No. I'm just me. Oh, buddy, this could get weird.

Ashley 43:15

Fine, you'll apply it yourself. Yeah, Boris decides he'll apply it to Bor Buddy's back. And Bunny will apply it to Boris's back.

Denise Frames Buddy Husband Appears

SPEAKER_02 43:21

Wait, wait, wait, wait, one gosh darn second. What? Enough of this. There's nothing in there but a gosh darn badger. And you, you're a crook. I was sent down here to unravel a financial crime, and I think the crime has been sending me over here in the first place. I think that lady set me up. A dame with a red bag and red hair walking into my office silently in the middle of the evening. What did I think was gonna happen? It was too good to be true.

SPEAKER_11 43:47

I walked into his office knowing he was somewhere at the bottom of Lake Michigan now. And I went to the corner of his office where he had a bar and I drank two drams of whiskey. And then I went to his desk and I looked at his papers and I sat in his chair and I span around and then I opened the drawers and I looked through them and I found what I've been looking for all along.

SPEAKER_04 44:12

Hey, I just closed the door behind me.

SPEAKER_11 44:15

Yeah, my husband.

SPEAKER_04 44:17

Hey, yeah. Oh my god, my my wife.

SPEAKER_11 44:20

You I thought you were maybe dead. No, I turned out to be alive. I thought you might be hiding in this office. I was hiding under the desk the whole time. Oh my goodness, you're just like you.

SPEAKER_04 44:32

You love hiding in wooden things. It's yeah, that's just what I do. You've been trying to frame me up as the mastermind of this whole horse scheme.

SPEAKER_11 44:40

Well maybe I have, maybe I haven't. Oh, fine. Yes, I have been. I was hoping you were dead and that I could get away with all of it. And I was trying to make the jockeys actually win a race for once, and they wouldn't do it. I'm just really bad at all of this, it turns out. It's harder than it looks.

SPEAKER_04 45:02

And also, I heard that you're you're driving our daughter away from us.

SPEAKER_11 45:06

Well, she and I actually bonded quite well while you were gone. I think maybe you're the problem in our relationship. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_04 45:14

Yeah, I think so. What, is it because I'm overbearing and I'm trying to force her into the family business? Yeah, I don't think she wants to be a horseman.

SPEAKER_11 45:22

I always wanted her to be a horseman. I know, but I don't think she wants to be, darling. It's me, Hank.

SPEAKER_09 45:28

Oh, I'm gonna marry your daughter.

SPEAKER_04 45:32

Let's remember, it's a long time ago, so this was all very acceptable.

SPEAKER_11 45:36

Wait, she's old enough. Okay, uh, good. Wow, what why should we let you marry our daughter eventually? Because I'm tall, I'm five five, and I'm a traveled man.

SPEAKER_04 45:47

Whoa, where have you been? And what have you done when you went there?

SPEAKER_09 45:50

I went to Egypt.

SPEAKER_08 45:51

Did you ride a horse in Egypt?

SPEAKER_09 45:54

No, I rode a Turkish horse in Turkey. Oh, cool. Okay, did you ride anything else anywhere? Maybe. You find that out when I can get you in daughter. Sorry, that sounded bad!

SPEAKER_06 46:06

That's when she's old enough.

SPEAKER_11 46:08

Look, here's how you can win a daughter from us. You can actually win a horse race, okay? And you can do it on that tiny horse you brought.

SPEAKER_09 46:21

I'll do it. I'll Yeah, that's right, sniggles. I'll do it. I'll ride him all the way to the finish line.

SPEAKER_02 46:31

What are all your people doing in my office? And a medium-sized small horse. Oh. Oh, I've been hiding here. You've been hiding here, and you set me up. You tried to get me killed by a badger. Where were you hiding? You were hiding in my office? Yeah. And I didn't notice? No!

SPEAKER_11 46:47

The whole time! Yeah!

SPEAKER_02 46:48

I'm so caught up in my financial crimes, I never even looked in my own office.

SPEAKER_11 46:53

You know, that's what they say. It's usually coming from inside the house.

SPEAKER_04 46:58

That's what I've always said.

SPEAKER_11 47:00

Mm-hmm. Are we still married?

SPEAKER_04 47:02

Well, yeah. I didn't die.

SPEAKER_11 47:04

Okay. Mom. Oh, hi, honey. Hey! Look who we found. Hi, Dad. Hi, I'm alive. Oh no, honey, it happened. It happened. Oh okay, we'll get you clean today. Okay. It's all gonna be fun.

SPEAKER_02 47:17

Wait, what happened? I I'm out of the loop here.

SPEAKER_11 47:19

Go away!

SPEAKER_02 47:20

Sorry, sorry. What happened?

SPEAKER_11 47:22

Ah, just go put some ketchup on a hot dog.

SPEAKER_09 47:24

Okay. Wait, it's no chicago. I promise to wait until she's a little older.

Hank Wins The Unthrowable Race

SPEAKER_02 47:31

Meanwhile, later at the track. All the jockeys had lined all six horses up. Tommy.

SPEAKER_11 47:45

Tommy and Polly and Big Red and Frank and Terrence.

SPEAKER_02 47:50

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is the final race of the night. We have our standard jockeys and a one final return for the great, tall, huge hang.

SPEAKER_09 48:00

Ah! Me and Sniggles are gonna take this all!

SPEAKER_04 48:05

You're gonna throw it for us, right? Yeah!

SPEAKER_02 48:08

Great! All the mob money in the town was spent against Sniggles and Hank. Hank was supposed to get second place, winning for all but the last leg furlong of the race. And they're off. Here they go.

SPEAKER_12 48:25

Oh, you're killing it.

SPEAKER_07 48:26

I'm riding a horse.

SPEAKER_12 48:29

Little Pete the Jockey.

SPEAKER_03 48:32

Here comes little Terrence. Terrence on the heels. On the heels. Sniggles in front. Sniggles is getting called. Heads fallen to second. Sniggles has fallen to third. What's this? What's this? Hank stands up. Hank stands up and shouts a shout of glory. I've never seen such enthusiasm from a jockey before.

SPEAKER_09 48:45

I love your daughter and Egypt!

SPEAKER_03 48:48

And Sniggles has taken over! And Sniggles in first! What about Turkey?

SPEAKER_09 48:52

I'm sorry, man! I can't throw this! I love her too much!

SPEAKER_03 48:56

No! And Stiggles across the finish line has won the race by a neck! Ah! Ah!

SPEAKER_04 49:04

We're all gonna be killed by the mob now.

SPEAKER_11 49:06

I'm sorry I couldn't do it, man. Well, the important thing is that you legally have now won my daughter. Yep, honey. Meet your new husband. Hey, I'm Hank! It's gonna be a couple years before this happens. Don't worry.

Ashley 49:22

Okay, I'm pleased, pleased to meet you. I hope you don't mind.

SPEAKER_11 49:26

I thought you were friends.

SPEAKER_09 49:27

I hope Yeah. Oh, I've just been watching her creepily for the last few years. Oh, oh. I'm not gonna start brushing my hair. Oh, that's alright. I don't brush my horse's hair either. Oh. Wow. Why? I don't know. I like it.

Ashley 49:46

I love you.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

And that was it. Another financial case wrapped up. Of course, the books didn't solve the crime, and I'm not sure there was a crime in the end. And if there was, I spent most of the time passed out on milk fumes. But there's not one reason that I'm not the greatest financial investigator in the history of Chicago. We'll see you next time, everybody.

SPEAKER_05 50:18

Thus, the thrilling conclusion of Jockey 4 Position. Why? I hope you, our live studio audience, and you at home have a great show tonight or enjoyed the show, and we couldn't have done it out without Michigan Software. Yes, yes, whether you're from Chicago or Michigan or wherever in the Midwest, I hope you land sing their praises. Yes, Michigan Software, that soft, soft overcoat that will never be hard again. Go blue or you'll be blue. And we were also sponsored by uh Vicky up in the booth! Victoria and Eddie over here on the board.

SPEAKER_06 50:51

Ashley Whitehurst.

SPEAKER_02 50:55

Thanks again to our special guest, Beth Meluski, and the cast at Peter Corey as the host. This episode featured Ashley Whitehurst as the kid and the other jockey. Ben Vegan played the opening narrator, Randy the Bookie and the Jockey. Beth Meluski was Boris the Bookie and Hank the tallest jockey. Carly Ilson was Denise and the Constable. Eric Peterson played Buddy and Pete the Tiny. Check out our YouTube channel for full length videos. And always check out Improviseradio.com for more information on shows.