Humble Inquiry: Coaching with Curiosity, Not Control

In this reflective and engaging episode of The Coaching Book Club Podcast, Christy and Ken dive into Humble Inquiry (Third Edition) by Edgar and Peter Schein. Through thoughtful storytelling and real coaching moments, they unpack the central premise of the book: asking better questions—with presence, trust, and humility—can transform coaching and leadership.

Listen as they explore:

• Why humble inquiry is the coach’s job description.
• How slowing down builds deeper trust and clearer outcomes.
• What the Johari Window reveals about blind spots and coaching presence.
• The danger of defaulting to advice-giving (especially with clients or kids).
• How intimacy and vulnerability show up in professional coaching spaces.

Whether you’re newly certified or a seasoned coach, this episode will invite you to rethink the role of questions in your practice.

📘 Get the book: Humble Inquiry
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Transcript

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Christy Stuber 0:11

Welcome to the Coaching Book Club podcast, the show that empowers coaches through books. I'm Christy Stuber here with my friend and co-host Ken McKeller, and today we're talking about Humble Inquiry, the Third Edition by Edgar and Peter Schein. If you've ever wondered how to deepen trust with your clients, respond to advice seeking with integrity or sharpen your presence in the moment. This book is going to speak to you. Here's what you can expect in this episode. First, we'll start with a quick overview of the book, what it's about, and why it matters to coaches like you. Next, we'll break down three key takeaways that stood out to us and share how you can apply these insights to your coaching practice. And finally, we'll explore how these concepts connect to real world coaching challenges and help you build confidence, tackle imposter syndrome, and grow as a coach. Whether you've read this book before or hearing about it for the first time, you'll leave with actionable tools to strengthen your skills. So let's get started. Hey, Ken.

Ken McKellar 1:10

Hey, how you doing?

Christy Stuber 1:12

Good. How are you today?

Ken McKellar 1:15

I'm doing borderline phenomenal. Borderline phenomenal, you know, so, uh, only thing I put this thing over in the phenomenal category is a peanut butter jelly sandwich, Fritos and chocolate milk. But I'm trying to trim it down, so I'll just stay with the borderline. Phenomenal for now.

Christy Stuber 1:34

All right. Well, how does your phenomenal self respond to this book? What was important about it to you?

Ken McKellar 1:43

Well, more, more so affirmation, uh, confirmation than anything. Um, when we talking about humble inquiries, humble inquiries, it's what we do as coaches. That mean that's what they talk, they said basically, here's what coaches do. We're gonna break it down and we're going to packages in a way that anybody can do it. So it can impact not only at work, but it impact your relationships with your partner, with your kids. With the people at the drug store, just being curious and I enjoyed, now, they didn't go into it, closing the questions, opening the questions. I mean, they did talk about that, but they did say this is closing it and, and, and the importance of two and when and why that makes better. But they did talk about it. I mean, it was clear the power of open-ended questions and some of the. Responsibilities, conversations can have with utilizing closing ended questions. Just important. Right. Um, so those are some of the things that, that I was really, uh, excited about as I kind of read this book.

Christy Stuber 3:02

Yeah. I had the takeaway. The way they talk about humble inquiry is a job description for a coach. Mm-hmm. You know, in coaching, we're balancing three things. We're trying to build the relationship, we're trying to be helpful without doing it for the client, and we're helping our clients decipher their own situations and. That's really what humble inquiry is all about. And then layer that on with coaching presence, you know, which is a situational awareness that they talk about in the book, what's going on with me, with the client between us. Um, to me this is all, all what we do as coaches. So what is the first, uh, specific takeaway that you have from the book?

Ken McKellar 3:47

Johari? Is that how you say it?

Christy Stuber 3:48

Mm-hmm.

Ken McKellar 3:51

Johari window.

Christy Stuber 3:52

Mm-hmm.

Ken McKellar 3:53

Yeah. I think that coaching is the opportunity to make friends with your blind spots.

Christy Stuber 4:06

Hmm.

Ken McKellar 4:08

And I think, I mean, that's what Johari window's talking about in the, the open area, the blind spot, the hidden area and the unknown. But through coaching. I mean, really understanding that blind spot, shining light on it and then deciding what you wanna do with it. Mm-hmm. Then actually taking action and doing something with it. Well, I think it starts with conversation. I think it starts with questions. I think it starts with relationships. I think it starts with the high five of a coaching relationship. I mean, trust, safety, right? Mm-hmm. Respect, um, rapport. Connection.

Christy Stuber 4:50

Yeah. Yeah. And, and the only way we can find those blind spots is when we can slow things down enough and create enough trust between us and the clients that they can start to see the blind spot and. I think all the things you just said, right? How, how can we slow down? Staying curious and inviting and not assuming, um, builds that trust. So now the client might be more willing to explore what they know, what they don't know about themselves or what they, they know about themselves, but they don't want anyone seeing about themselves, which I think is also part of Johari's window.

Ken McKellar 5:28

I like it. I like what you said in terms of slow down and I think that. Key. 'cause we don't talk about that enough because that's a lot of the role of the coaching, right? Is to kind of get to the thing behind the thing.

Christy Stuber 5:49

Mm-hmm.

Ken McKellar 5:52

And once we get there, then what do we wanna do with it as we look at it, right? How does it make sense in our world? Now what is it saying? In our world now, is it the same tune as when it was useful before or do we have to put on some James Brown and put it on the Good Foot?

Christy Stuber 6:15

I'd love to see your James Brown impression. Um, yeah, I, I was remembering a, a client, a new client I had last week, and, and they were very eager. To get to the solution. And I could feel myself being pulled into that eagerness and also remembering, we need to slow this down a little bit. 'cause I don't even know that I know where we're going and if I don't know where we're going, then that's not gonna get us there either. So I felt like myself doing a lot of checking in, you know, what are you more clear about now? Where are we now? Where would you like to go next, um, with this person? And then I noticed that they did slow down with me. And then they were able to get to some different thinking versus me telling them, here's what you do. 'cause I don't, I don't actually know what they should do.

Ken McKellar 7:06

You know? Do you, you remember when we talked about the four by four relay or the relays?

Christy Stuber 7:15

Did we talk about that?

Ken McKellar 7:16

No, he talked about it in the Oh,

Christy Stuber 7:18

he, oh yes. In the, in the baton.

Ken McKellar 7:22

Right. Passing the baton. Now, I, I, you know, I ran track, you know, I was that first leg, you know, stick and you pass the baton, right? And the cool thing about running a relay is you take off and when you're running and getting ready to pass that baton to the next person, you yell, go. And that person actually starts running because. If you didn't yell, he, it'll almost come to a stop or a collision if he don't start running. So you say yell, go and he take off. Right. And my momentum allows me to catch up to him. And then I say stick. And he just throw that hand back. Not even look, just throw that hand back. And then you can hear that baton hit that the palm of the hand right there. And he grab it. Go. You hear the crowd go, Ooh, well I said that to say this. It's the same thing in the coaching session where you allowing the momentum of the conversation to take you there, right? Wherever there is for the client that you've established.

Christy Stuber 8:35

Yes. I love that metaphor. So I'm thinking about applying it to my client last week and. Um, I was still stopped and she was running down the track and I didn't have, didn't know when to start running to catch up with her. 'cause I didn't know what we were doing and where we were going. Right. And so the work I was doing was actually to slow her down a little bit so that I could catch up to her and then we could run together.

Ken McKellar 8:59

Right,

Christy Stuber 9:00

right. Um, great metaphor. Thank you. Thank you. It makes you think a little bit of, of a takeaway if I can share.

Ken McKellar 9:08

Yes, I was gonna ask you that.

Christy Stuber 9:11

I think the takeaway was about advice giving, which we've talked about before. Um, this book was a great reminder of the impact advice giving can make on the relationship. And I wouldn't say that it does it in a positive way. Um, you know, so there are two things that go with this. One is when people say. Tell me what to do, which is also what happened last week with this person. Um, to pause and say, well, I can, I can help you think about that. Can I ask you some questions first? Right. So to acknowledge where they, what they wanna do, and also to start to ask more open-ended questions to get more information. And then I find more often than not, when I'm asking questions, especially questions, which I don't know the answer, I really am trying to get us in a, in an agreement. That will create the clarity the client needs to start to see something different in the situation that they wanted me to tell them what to do about, which we know, again affects the relationship, disempowers people, and isn't likely to be sustainable. Yeah,

Ken McKellar 10:23

I um, I have noticed that it's a different conversation when. I'm asking about what you want to do about that advice or, you know, asking more clarifying questions Right. Versus giving answers. It's, it's, it's a, it's a different experience a lot of times, especially my kids. My kids ask me a lot of questions, oh, they want advice, but they don't really want advice, you know? I and I sometimes fall into that trap where now they're sitting over there swiping left and right to my suggestions. Nope, dad. Mm-hmm. Dad, that's silly. That's, nope. Why would you do that? And I'm, I'm, I'm like doing the double dutch of, of, of a vice. Anytime I feel that, I was like, Ooh, how did I get here? Even in the coaching sessions, how, how did I get here? So remembering. The importance of asking those questions. And he don't just talk about inquiry, but he talks about humble inquiry and talks about three other different types of questions of, of inquiry questions, which was interesting to me. Mm-hmm.

Christy Stuber 11:47

Michael Bunge Steiner wrote the foreword to this book, and he has a great quote in there where he says, when giving advice is your default response, it's corrosive. You're saying time and time again, I'm better than you, and it's certainly not the intention. Certainly, I think we think we're helping. You think you're helping your daughters, we think we're helping our clients. There's another message that kind of rides under it, which is why your daughters say, Nope, no thanks, try again. Um, but if we can connect with them and say, I'm not better than you. I don't know the answer, but I'll help you figure this out.

Ken McKellar 12:22

Or even, Hey, tell me a little bit more information about what you want. Let's, let's start there. You know, always, always talk about, um, giving advice. And somebody says, Hey Ken, you know, I wanna come to Florida to visit you. And then I say, oh yeah, that's great. Just get on the get, get, get fly on down here, and you can. I don't know why they're coming. I don't know when they're coming. I don't know how long they wanna stay. I don't know who they bringing. I don't know any of that information. So before I could give any kind of advice, I need to know some. I, I, okay. When you coming, how long are you coming? Are you coming for a week? You planning to stay down here? Or you just coming from a job interview and leaving it? Or you coming because you know you going to Disney World and you wanna hang out there? Or is it land? I don't Disney. You going to Disney, you wanna hang out there? Mm-hmm. Or I mean you, what is it? You know? Tell me how to get a promotion. Tell me a little bit more about what it is that you want. Well, I just want a promotion. I said, okay, so do you wanna work more? Do you wanna work less? Are you getting or you wanna leave outta this job because. You, you've outgrown it or it's too complicated. Do you want to be a people manager? Do you want technology? Talk to me. I mean Right. So it would be almost a presumptuous presump. It'll be almost, it'll be ludicrous. Right. And, and I, I like this song for me to think that I know better than this person when I don't know what he wants and where he is going, or. What his level or definition of thriving is.

Christy Stuber 14:06

Mm-hmm. Yes, exactly.

Ken McKellar 14:11

I said, I said, I said a lot for you to edit there.

Christy Stuber 14:14

I'm not editing you out, my friend. I do have a question for you, and I didn't prep you for this, so we'll see how it goes, but I'm sure you'll have an answer. Um, in this book, they talk about levels of relationship. You know, level one is transactional. Level two is personal, which is more about trust, and level three is intimacy. Do you remember that?

Ken McKellar 14:43

Yeah. Well, actually started with level minus one.

Christy Stuber 14:45

These are level one

Ken McKellar 14:46

domination, right? Remember that?

Christy Stuber 14:48

Yes,

Ken McKellar 14:48

yes, yes. To you to touch on it. But, uh, you, that, that was his minus line.

Christy Stuber 14:53

Yeah.

Ken McKellar 14:54

Um, yeah. What your

Christy Stuber 14:56

question, so where, where do you think coaching sits? Level,

Ken McKellar 14:59

I think coaches sits right in between level. Well, one, two, and three. You know, because I, I do think there are coaching opportunities where the client wants more of that transactional, um, um, relationship, right? So. I also believe that sometimes you can start out with a coach relationship that's more transactional, and then as that relate, as the coachee becomes more comfortable with either you or process themselves or whatever, then they're ready to say, okay, I, I'm, I'm ready. I to be more, uh,

Christy Stuber 15:41

be more personal, share, more personal kind of information.

Ken McKellar 15:45

Exactly. Exactly. And I think that also comes with a level of competency for, you know, cultivating that trust and safety.

Christy Stuber 15:55

Mm-hmm.

Ken McKellar 15:56

So I think that's all a part of it. So where does it sit? One, two, and three? You know, all of that is a part of coaching. What are your thoughts?

Christy Stuber 16:05

Yeah, I, I agree with you about one and two. My question around three was. Levels three seems to require a give and take of intimacy. And I wonder if that is how that shows up in the coaching, if the coach is not gonna be sharing, um, the same level of intimacy information with a client. Does that make us at more of a, like, am I more of a level two or my clients at a level three, or as I'm talking, I'm thinking out loud. Is a different kind of intimacy. So while they may be sharing more of their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, I am being vulnerable in a different way without having to share mine. You're pointing and nodding.

Ken McKellar 16:55

I agree it that vulnerability is a level of intimacy.

Christy Stuber 17:00

Yeah.

Ken McKellar 17:00

When that client shares out loud for the very first time, that they don't want the promotion.

Christy Stuber 17:09

Mm-hmm.

Ken McKellar 17:10

Because they don't wanna give up that work life balance. Right. That's a different level of intimacy when the coach juts up and allows quiet to ask the question or silence to ask the question. That's a level of a different kind of intimacy where you're witnessing or have the opportunity to get to witness this human being experienced themselves.

Christy Stuber 17:41

That was beautiful. That is what I'm gonna be thinking about after this episode and applying to my coaching practice, noticing those vulnerabilities where we're both sharing bits of ourself maybe in different ways. What you can be applying to your coaching practice.

Ken McKellar 18:05

I think what. This gave me an opportunity to do is remember as a coach who the questions are for.

Christy Stuber 18:16

Hmm.

Ken McKellar 18:16

I'm not the, I mean, we're talking about in coaching, asking questions, but for me, the questions are not for me, but is for the client to explore who they are, where they are, what they are.

Christy Stuber 18:34

Yeah. Well, okay. I think that wraps up our discussion for today. How are some good insights from humble inquiry, from replacing advice giving with curiosity field partnership, slowing down and creating deep trust earlier to get to clarity later? And this last little bit about. Intimacy and vulnerability and how that looks. In our coaching sessions, these ideas have the potential to transform how we coach, how we lead, and how we relate. And we hope these takeaways have sparked new ideas for your practice, dear listener, and inspired you to dig deeper into this incredible resource. Thanks for spending your time with us today. Your commitment to learning and growth is what this podcast is all about. If you enjoyed today's episode, make sure to subscribe to the Coaching Book Club on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode. And in the show notes, you can find a link to the book guide for this book so you can earn CEEs while reading. We'd also love to connect with you on LinkedIn, follow us for even more coaching insights and updates about upcoming episode. And we're always in a lookout for new books to review. If you've got a favorite that's made an impact on you, send us a message. It might be featured in a future episode. Thanks for being part of our community, and until next time, happy coaching.