It's Not Your Fault...It's Your DEFAULT - with Tim Tamashiro

Tim Tamashiro is one of those rare souls who makes you want to slow down, take a breath, and actually feel your own heartbeat again.

This episode is a gentle exhale in the middle of all the noise. 

We talk about what it really takes to find peace in a world that feels like it’s always demanding more of you, how our brains are wired to keep us on edge (hello, tiny almond-shaped amygdala), and why letting go of suffering - even in the smallest moments - might just be the gateway to a happier life.

Tim doesn’t sugarcoat the hard stuff. He’s been through burnout, reinvention, and the “what now?” questions that keep you up at night. 

But the wisdom he shares feels like sitting on the couch with an old friend who sees you, gets you, and reminds you that you’re not broken...you’re just human.

This conversation is about giving yourself permission to pause. To soften. To find those little sparks of joy and clarity, even when life feels heavy. 

And most of all, to remember you’re not alone in the messiness of being human.

If your soul’s craving a deep breath today, this one’s for you. ❤️

Thank you for spending time with me today on the Thrive After 45™ podcast! If this episode spoke to you, be sure to hit that follow button so you never miss one.

And if you loved it, I’d be so grateful if you left a review - it helps more amazing women like you find this show!

Your journey doesn’t stop here - let’s keep the conversation going! Connect with me at denisedrinkwalter.com, and follow @thethriveafter45podcast for daily insp, tips, and support.

Remember, midlife isn’t the end - it’s just the beginning of a new, exciting chapter! Keep thriving, keep shining, and I’ll see you next time!

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Thrive After 45, the podcast where we redefine what's possible in midlife. I'm Denise, drink Walter, your midlife renewal coach here to help you embrace your power, purpose, and potential. This is your space to let go of guilt, navigate transitions, rediscover joy and thrive for you by you because of you. It is an absolute honor and a true privilege to introduce and welcome Tim Tero to the show today. Tim is someone whose presence immediately invites you to slow down, lean in. And listen a little more closely, not just to him, but to yourself, as well as a bestselling author, keynote speaker, TEDx Talk, and the host of Selfless with a part-time Monk. Tim brings over 20 years of experience and has impacted. Well over 500,000 lives and counting through the sharing of his wisdom in the areas of storytelling purpose and personal transformation. What makes this conversation so powerful, especially for those of us in midlife, is that Tim has walked through the fire of burnout. Reinvention and soul searching. He's asked the same questions. Many of us find ourselves whispering. What now? What's my purpose and how can I live with more peace and less pressure? He's taken his experiences from National Radio host to part-time Monk and created a beautiful way of helping others uncover what truly matters. His approach is honest. Relatable and rooted in both ancient wisdom and everyday brain science. If you've ever felt like you were meant for more, but you weren't sure how to find your way forward, this episode is for you. Welcome to Thrive after 45. Tim. Denise, very nice to, uh, be here on the show with you. And we are, we are all the same, aren't we? We all suffer, we all have challenges in life and we just have to figure our way through. Right. It's so true. And, and what I'm finding as I support the women that I support through my work is that. We hide from it because we don't want to have the suffering. Mm-hmm. We don't want, we think we're an anomaly when in reality, just like you shared, we are all connected. We all have all the stuff. Right. It's pretty even playing field, you know, the, and uh, I like to say that, that if we suffer less than we happy more. So if we can find ways to be able to, to do that in our lives, uh, regardless of what stage we are in life, then that is the ultimate goal in life really, is to have a life of greater clarity and ease and grace and to be able to just kind of deal with the highs and lows'cause they're both gonna be part of our existence. Uh, kind of treat those two imposters just exactly the same, but just to have so have, uh, so much more, uh, joy in life. Right. So thank you for having me, by the way. Oh, it's such an honor. Truly, truly is. Um, when we met, I just was like, oh, we have to have Tim on the show. How do I make sure this happens? And it just unfolded. It really wasn't an arm twist at all, which I was honored. To, to have that conversation as we met. Thank you. Thank you. So we talk a lot about joy and peace and happiness, and I've had people, I see a lot of stuff as we all do on social media. You're wearing the rose colored glasses, girlfriend, come on. There's, there's life that hits. How do we even begin to not divide it? There's the good part and the bad part, but how do we live in these moments that exist for us each and every day? Is there a way to do that? Takes practice? Yeah, I mean, that's as simple. Uh, my little, uh, I guess catchphrase for my podcast is that peace is possible with practice, you know, all the, all the different things and trials and tribulations that we go through every day. And that could be anything from, you know, uh, the, the pressure of feeling like you have to show up, uh, all the time, like, you know, a a million percent or. Or, you know, getting frustrated with somebody in line at the grocery store or something like that. We, we suffer so much from just little mundane things, but we also suffer under the weight of these blankets of, uh, of suffering that we're not prepared to deal with. And that is like the algorithm and all the anger attainment in the world and opinions about everything, right? Uh, and news cycles and all that kind of stuff. So, uh, if we can. Notice that those things, all those little things are unique forms of, uh, suffering that bring us stress, anxiety, maybe even a little discomfort. Uh, then we can just recognize it, see it for what it is, and release it. That's the practice is to be able to see it and to notice it and to let it go ultimately. Mm-hmm. Is there anything in particular that you can share with us that the audience can go, oh. I see what you're saying, but I, I don't really even know how to begin. You know, I can do it sometimes, or I don't even know if I'm doing it. Yeah, well, we all, uh, we're so we're not starting from a place of peace, right? So we, we are unfamiliar with, uh, what a life of, uh, greater peace might look like for us or what it might feel like. We all live in what, uh, might be, uh, called, what I call anyways, your, the default mode of life where we're literally kind of going through life. Uh, being triggered and, you know, reacting to the situations that happen in our lives. And it's become a habit, right? It's because we have a very small part of our brain called the amygdala, or amygdala, and actually there's, there's two amygdala. So that's why I said amygdala, uh, that kind of control the way that we, uh, go through life when we're constantly scanning for threats. You know, by the way, this part of the brain is. Reacting or acting exactly how it was designed. So there's nothing wrong with you. That's, that's the interesting thing. Mm-hmm. But these two tiny little portions of the brain, this is amazing. You know how big they are? They're the size of an almond. Oh wow. Literally. These little two little tiny things. The size of your pinky finger, like the end of your pinky finger. The tip of your Yeah, the end. Yeah, the tip. These are the two parts of your, of your brain that are literally scanning for threats all the time. Because, you know, a hundred thousand years ago, people needed to have these things because it meant that they stayed alive, you know? Right. So there's, uh, apparently there was a really bad. Tiger problem back then. So they always had to be on constant look for tigers. It must have been a plague of tigers back then.'cause it really, it really developed in a way that was there to literally protect us. The interesting thing though is that once we start looking at our mind with our mind, like with our prefrontal cortex, the part of our, of our brain that's right there in the, in the forehead, when we start looking at the reactions that we have from the amygdala and we start going, wait a second, we can be in control of this. We can deal with it far more gracefully and we can deal with it with so much more compassion. Uh, this is the practice that I was alluding to earlier. This is the practice that we can go into time and time and time again. Uh, and it literally just takes a second that, that, that moment of going, oh, instead of going, oh, no. You know what I mean? Yeah. Now I have to ask this question. When you go, oh no. When the amygdala fires, mm-hmm. Does it send energy to your body as well? That you have to compensate? Four as well. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because it's, it's literally, uh, you know, pulling the fire alarm saying there's something that is, uh, that is dangerous here. But the interesting thing is that what we interpret as danger, those tigers, you know, something really, really, you know, maybe somebody with a. With some sort of a weapon coming at us. Sure. The type, the type of reaction we have, uh, from that is interpreted the exact same way. Uh, as if we saw some sort of a, of an opinion on a newsfeed that we didn't agree with. We have the exact same reaction. Mm-hmm. Or you know, or somebody, uh, looked at us just a little bit sideways we thought. We would still have the exact same reaction. So yeah, there are, there are responses that happen in the body where we automatically go detect danger. So we have to be fight or flight or freeze. Right? Um, but in reality. None of that stuff is, uh, could be, you know, considered, uh, something that we have to react to. It's something that we could just, uh, instead encourage our more intelligent human brain to just take a look at and go. This really need to be the case. Is there something more loving that I can do for myself? Or is there something more compassionate that I can do for myself in this situation that is going to allow me to just deal with it with more grace? Right. Right. Mm-hmm. And that's the practice recognizing it and then taking what you kind of referenced as a pause. That breath, whatever it is, to, and this could happen literally a thousand times a day. So you get lots of chances to practice. Right? Exactly. Exactly. It's really about tuning in and doing this for you by you because of you, which is what the show's all about. Mm-hmm. Nobody else can do it for you. It's all internal. It's all you steering that ship. Yeah. The, the great, uh, Buddhist teacher Han has this beautiful, uh, lesson, and the lesson is just simply the way out is in. Mm. So instead of worrying about all the outside stuff coming at you, just worry about what is happening inside of you and how you perceive it and whether or not you react to it. Right. Right. Yeah. Make that choice, make that decision the power of control. Mm-hmm. And there's, and there is no perfect way of doing it. You know, people could train and do this, you know, the Dalai Lama faces the exact same challenges that we all do because he's a human being. You know, it's uh, uh, if you're an enlightened person, you would still have to kind of deal with the human. Uh, tendencies and memories or reactions to just what is happening out there in the world. So, but it does become, I can say much more. Um, uh, lovely. There you go. Yeah. When you can, when you can just, you know, just kind of go, eh, what are you gonna do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does this, A question that I like to, to put out for myself and for those that I support and people that I talk to, is, how does this serve me? I find that question brings it back to myself, but it also does a bit of an interrupter. Um, yeah. It makes us stop and pause. Wait a minute. How does this serve me? Getting all. Keyed up about somebody cutting me off, going in front of me when they shouldn't have whatever. Right? Yeah. Yeah. So it's important to notice that, uh, um, so I'm working on a book right now, and it's called mm-hmm. It's not your fault, it's your default. And the idea behind this is to be able to help people understand that so many of the reactions and so many of the triggers that we have in life, this is not a personality flaw. This it isn't even you. It's just that ancient dinosaur part of the brain that is just kind of going right directly to default. So you can give yourself that, uh, that uh, that uh, moment of, oh, you know what, this isn't me. This is just, this is just the way that, uh, a human being is designed. You can literally release it that way by going, oh, that's my default. Yeah, I, okay. I don't have to deal with that. I love that because that takes the, the whole pressure off yourself, doesn't it? It's like this is just the way it's supposed to be, but I don't need to keep going there. Love that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Puts you really in the driver's seat, doesn't it? Right. Totally. Mm-hmm. Totally. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And every, I like how you brought in Dalai Lama, because everybody is human. There's, right. There's so many times we put others in higher places than ourselves or think, well, they've got it together. So what's wrong with that whole comparison game? Yeah. But I just love how you have leveled the playing field here. It really is. And you know, so there's a, uh, there are a certain type of, uh, content online now that is kinda like people shaming, you know, so there'd be, uh, uh, somebody who was, uh, provided with a video of somebody really acting out and. Probably acting in ways that were probably beneath the way that they would like to act or whatnot, but maybe they've, you know, blown their stack or maybe said something that they probably wouldn't have done in other times or whatever the case. And it, I remind myself all the time, they're just human beings now. It doesn't mean that I have to agree with what they did perfect, but it is a way to be able to kind of say, oh, what they did. Maybe that really isn't them. Maybe that is just the Almond Uhhuh. There you go. Yeah. Maybe that is just the almond little tiny, little almond sized chunk of your brain, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And uh, so if there's anything that we can do as human beings is just maybe walk around and just look at all the other people that we run into through the day and kind of go, oh, look at that little almond. So look at that little almond. It's so good. The, the tips you're giving us are, are so, um, actionable. So thank you for this conversation because you know, I can, I know people are gonna write in almond. I never saw an almond like that. Every time I eat an almond, now I'm gonna think, whoa, I've got the power and control here. Right? There you go. Yeah. So good. Yeah. So good. Mm-hmm. High pressure things that are happening around people, let's say. Your life is busy. I was reading a post today of a what? Midlife woman in the middle. Mm-hmm. Parents are aging and it's not going well. There's medical problems, family, younger family, not too young, but younger family from the way I understood it and just feeling like. The stress is so huge and I still have all the responsibilities. How do I take care of myself? Very, I mean, reading the post and going into the history of the person. Very smart individual, very kind, and she's feeling really stuck. I mean, her situation right now, but I'm, I'm. I know this is one pillar in terms of what could be happening. Mm-hmm. But I know people feel stuck, so is there something hidden that's a wiring that keeps them from finding this piece when there's always that pressure or that pressure seems to exist or they created, or it's created for them, whatever that may be. Mm-hmm. So, uh, so if this person is at the, at the time where they're, you know, raising children and they also have aging parents that need their help, you're, you are literally sandwiched between mm-hmm. Taking care of little ones and taking care of big ones. Yeah. That is an enormous responsibility and that requires a lot of compassion for yourself because you're just doing your best. You know, when, when I was dealing with my, uh, aging, uh, father and with my in-laws and all that sort of thing, yeah. It really weighs heavy on you. But you can only do the best that you can do, you know? Mm-hmm. The only thing that you can give, uh, to, uh, each one of you mm-hmm. Your children, yourself and your parents, is, uh, compassion and understanding. Uh, it's, and it is a very temporary time of life. Oh, very impermanent part of life. And at some point in time, in the very near future, or maybe in the far future, something's gonna change. And you're gonna look back at that time. Go, go, wow. Uh, you know, I wish I had my parents still around, and I wish that my children were little like they were back then, et cetera, et cetera. One of the. More, uh, most powerful parts of, uh, of my monkey experience they had in Thailand was, uh, I had an experience where after they shaved my head, they gave me this bundle of hair that was wrapped up in, uh, lotus leaf and just tied up with a little string. And so they shaved off all my, uh, hair on my head and my eyebrows too. So I walked around looking surprised for the next two weeks. And, uh, the, uh, uh, but they gimme this bundle specifically so that I could go to a stream one day and release my past self down the river with,'cause this hair represented my past self, right? As I, uh. Dropped a little bundle into the, into the stream that day. After a little meditation, I saw it go down the stream and it went only about maybe 15 feet, and it ran into a stick and it got stuck on the stick, and I kind of went, oh, well that's kind of interesting. But sure enough, I. It pretty soon jostled its way past and went further down the river, but not far.'cause this time it ran into a great big rock and it got stuck behind this big rock. But as you can imagine, eventually it pushed its way past that rock as well. And this gave me a really interesting lesson that I still lean into today. Everything is temporary. Mm-hmm. Getting stuck, uh, in life. Is part of life, but still soul is, uh, is going merely down the stream. And you know, when the, the happy parts are the easy parts, right? So, uh, you know, all that cha all those challenges that we have, um, they are very temporary and we can look at them, uh, in a way that says, okay, all I can do, if I'm compassionate with myself and my children and my parents, then that's really. The biggest win that we can have, you know? Yeah. And, uh, I would, I would give my eye teeth to revisit those times. Mm-hmm. Again, where I could just have a sip of with, of coffee with my dad at a and w again. Right. Yeah. And I would love to have those times where I would have little kids sitting on my lap and I'm reading them a story as well. Mm-hmm. Again, so now we just move, uh, past. And the beautiful thing about this though, too. I, I feel, anyways, Denise? Yes. Is that when you get older beyond that 45, 50? Yep. Now you're in a much more, uh, uh, peaceful place of, uh, wisdom and also re exploration of who you will be now. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that possibility is wide open? Absolutely. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Wow. All, everything you just shared there, I can see all of it happening. And then I had flashbacks of my experiences and seeing how, yep, I got stuck on a log, not a sticks sometimes, so be it. I went, I the river kept flowing and I kept going, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So good. Yeah. Nobody's getting out alive right? At the end of the day. And so how are you going to live? Your life as you speak so eloquently with joy and purpose and you know, giving back to you and knowing who you are and letting the things that come, let them come, explore them, understand them, and let them be for what they need to be, and take control where you need to. Mm-hmm. What you need to do differently. Mm-hmm. If you can. Great point. Yeah. Yeah. If you can take control. Yeah. And, and sometimes you can't. Yeah. Right. And is, do you find that's a big struggle for people when you, when. They can't take that control. Is that a big hurdle to get over for some? Oh, we'd love, we'd all love to be absolutely in control of our own vehicle, right? And, and to just do everything that, uh, that we would love to have happen in our lives. You know, we'd have millions of dollars and we would have nothing but, uh, plush vacations all the time and the best clothing and all this other kind of thing, you know? Uh, I, I think it's quite interesting that. If we were given the choice between a, uh, uh, you know, something, a piece of clothing off the rack or something that was designed just for us, we would always choose the design just for us. Or if we would choose, uh, a home that was just kind of a standard home, or if we had one that was designed just for us that had the perfect little coffee nook and the espresso machine, and the bowling alley, and all those kind of things, we would always want to choose that. We do have a choice with our mind, whether we want to have just the basic operating system in our mind, or do we want to have a more perfect designed mind and we can design that mind through seeing the type of suffering that we go through every day as literally just part of the process and releasing that, uh uh, as easily as possible. So, does that mean meditation? Yeah. Sometimes. Does that mean mindfulness? Yeah, that's something that is portable and you can carry that with you, uh, uh, pretty well everywhere you go. Well, absolutely everywhere you go. Right? Uh, does that mean recognizing and noticing those times where it just doesn't feel right and it doesn't feel comfortable and it doesn't feel like you have exactly what you want? Yes. That is the release that is, uh, the practice that will allow you to be able to lead a, a much more. Um, peaceful life, I think. Mm-hmm. Is there anything that you want to share with the audience? I want you to talk about the book that's forthcoming. Mm-hmm. But is there anything more that you would love to share with our audience, knowing that you've given so much of your wisdom and making sure we'll have in the show notes how to find you to get. Onto your podcast and listen.'cause I started listening, I'm like, ah, I've gotta rewind that. That's so good. Mm-hmm. Nice. Oh, thank you. You're the one that's listening. Thank you. You know, I, I would like to say that, uh, that. We're all trying our very, very best. You know, and the o the one thing that hasn't really changed in the history of mankind is that tiny little amygdala that makes us live by default. You know, we're always constantly, uh, scanning for threats. Um, I would say that I think we could, uh, just recognize. That less suffering means more happiness. Happiness is a byproduct that, that comes from having a much more easy way of looking at life, uh, much more, uh, thoughtful way of looking at life and know that just absolutely every single person on Earth is just doing their best given the tools that they have. Um, so. And I also want to point out that we are also. Living in a time that is probably the most stressful in the history of, of, of mankind too. You know, all those extra layers that I talked about earlier. Mm mm Uh, we were never designed to deal with the weight of the world, right? Yeah. So now if we read about or hear about. Wars that are happening in different parts of the world that affects us now in ways that we have never been designed for. And if we're getting, uh, opinions all the time from different news sources or whatever the case, again, these are all, uh, uh, uh. Added layers of stress that again, we don't have to deal with, uh, because we are not literally designed for it. So be kind to yourself and just know that you're, you are, uh, you're treading water and, uh, the, the less reactivity you can have to all those extra sources is something that is gonna be very, very beneficial for you. Absolutely. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Thank you so much for being here, for sharing in the short period of time that we've had together. I'd love to have you back. We can create a space to be able to do so if that works with your schedule. I know you're a very busy man, but it has been an absolute pleasure. What a truly rich and soul stirring conversation with. Tim we've had today, I hope his wisdom has sparked something within you, whether it was a deeper question or a quiet truth, or a gentle reminder that it is okay to want more peace, more purpose, and more ease, especially in the season of midlife. If today's episode resonated with you, I want to personally invite you to explore more of who you are in a safe, supportive, and judgment free space. Inside the Becoming Her Mentor Membership, a space created just for women like you, women who are ready to reconnect with their voice, rediscover their joy, and remember who they are. And if you haven't already, be sure to follow the show. Leave a review and share this episode with someone else who might need it. Your support helps more women find this community. Feel seen, heard, and inspired on their own journey. Until next time, keep listening to your heart. It does know the way. Do something for you by you because of you today and every day. Goodbye.