The Unfiltered Truth About Divorce for Parents of Children with Special Needs - with Mary Ann Hughes

In this episode of Thrive After 45™, I'm so honored to welcome back Mary Ann Hughes, a certified special needs divorce coach, family mediator, and parenting coordinator. 

Mary Ann's journey into this work is deeply personal. After 21 years of marriage, she navigated her own divorce while raising two children on the autism spectrum. 

Her experience with the financial and emotional toll of the process inspired her to dedicate her career to helping other families avoid those struggles and focus on what's most important....their children.

Mary Ann brings a unique blend of personal insight and professional expertise to her work. She's here to empower parents to confidently advocate for themselves and their children, providing the clarity and tools they need to move forward with strength and peace of mind.

This conversation is a beautiful reminder that divorce doesn't have to be a win-lose situation. It can be a win-win, where everybody...especially the children...can come out of the process with a renewed sense of hope. 

We discuss why having a special needs divorce coach is so important, how to make strategic decisions rather than emotional ones, and how to become the boss of your own divorce. 

Mary Ann's message is one of hope: you will get through this, and there is a better life for you after.

For more information about Mary Ann and her work, or to find out about the Divorce for Special Needs Children Summit happening in January 2026, you can find her in these places...

Website: https://www.specialfamilytransitions.com/

Thank you for spending time with me today on the Thrive After 45™ podcast! If this episode spoke to you, be sure to hit that follow button so you never miss one.

And if you loved it, I’d be so grateful if you left a review - it helps more amazing women like you find this show!

Your journey doesn’t stop here - let’s keep the conversation going! Connect with me at denisedrinkwalter.com, and follow @thethriveafter45podcast for daily insp, tips, and support.

Remember, midlife isn’t the end - it’s just the beginning of a new, exciting chapter! Keep thriving, keep shining, and I’ll see you next time!

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Thrive After 45, the podcast where we redefine what is possible in midlife. I'm Denise. Drink your Midlife renewal coach here to help you embrace your power, purpose, and potential. This is your space to let go of guilt. Navigate transitions rediscover joy and thrive for you by you because of you. It is such an honor and a privilege to welcome back to our show and reintroduce Maryanne Hughes. Today to thrive after 45 Maryanne's journey into this field was deeply personal. After 21 years of marriage, she navigated her own divorce, including the unique challenges of parenting children with special needs. That experience inspired her to dedicate her career to helping others. Facing similar circumstances as a certified special needs divorce coach, as well as a trained family mediator and parenting coordinator. Maryanne brings a rare combination of personal insight. Professional expertise. Over the past four years, she has directly impacted more than 100 families and has reached thousands more through her podcasts and social media platforms. Maryanne helps parents of children with disabilities navigate the complexities and. Overwhelm of special needs divorce. Empowering them to con confidently advocate for themselves and their children. Her work is about more than guidance. It's about giving families the clarity, confidence, and tools they need to move forward with strength and peace of mind. Maryanne, welcome to our show today. Thank you so much, Denise. Pleasure to be here again, and thank you for that wonderful introduction. I think I'm gonna take some of that wording and use it in my material. It's wonderful. It is my pleasure to share that with you. Absolutely. Can you take us through a little bit of how you got to the incredible gifts that you are sharing now? With your coaching and support of families and mediation and everything that you're building, how did that come to be? I mean, we heard about it, but can you give us a bit more robust beginnings so we understand? Sure. Happy to. So as you mentioned, I'm the mom of two now, young adult children on the autism spectrum. And so when I faced a divorce, it wasn't something. I saw coming and I had to figure out what to do, and I made my main focus in that to take care of my children, to figure out what they would need as they were becoming adults and for the future. And so I didn't rush the process. I took my time and there lost circumstances. It was COVID, but I ended up spending so much time, money, and energy on the process. I thought, this is kind of crazy. For me to have gone through all this trouble, other families are probably going through similar challenges and circumstances that I want to take my knowledge and help others who are going to go through this.'cause they shouldn't have to recreate the wheel every time this happens. And divorce among families that have a child with some complex or special needs is very hot. And so that, that's what led me to my journey to become a divorce coach. And since we last spoke, I was a certified divorce coach before, but I helped inspire. And actually helped create and now AM as CER certified as a certified special needs divorce coach. So I actually helped teach that program and the Certified Divorce Coach program on. And also, like you mentioned, I have some other things that I did to not just help. One parent is a divorce coach you're mainly working with, with one, uh, individual. Usually it's the mom that reaches out to me, but I've worked with dads also. Yep. Um, but I want to take a more, uh, kinda a broader approach, a more holistic one to work with both parents if they so choose. And so that's when I went through some mediation training and actually teach about autism Special. In that, uh, in that group and, uh, also parenting coordinator, so that way I can help whatever point in the process they might be, whether they're thinking about divorce or going through divorce or even afterwards to kind of help them do what's right and best for that children and try to keep the conflict low. That's incredible. Have you found that you have had, with now such a wealth and breadth of knowledge, have you found that you are seeing more couples coming to you than you did before? Or is it just beginning that way, or what's happening there? Just beginning. I've had some conversations with some couples and, um. Usually one will reach out to me and we'll discuss that as maybe an option. And so that's worked out where I've helped one couple talk about what was best for their relationship. Mm-hmm. And they decided jointly then that divorce was the best option. And then from there we talked about few sessions about how to break the news to the kids, how to support them in the process. And then from there they went on to work with the lawyers. Um, to go through the process. I worked with another couple. Who was also thinking about divorce. They hadn't gone through the process yet, but they were trying to plan ahead. What would they need to plan for their adult son who, um, was gonna be transitioning outta high school soon? Mm-hmm. So even though they had met with the other professionals and been in different presentations, mine was very valuable to them. They really. Right way of looking at it. It was really, I, I basically always almost what the family needs and the couple or person might need. Right. But it was perspective from someone who had been through it, some real practical advice as well as some strategic advice of things think about and resources that they could connect to as well. So yeah, so happy to do that. But most of my business still is with the, with the moms reaching out to me. To support them. Some of'em are stay at home moms, um, which I was at the time, and, um, sure some of'em are working moms and figure out how to balance everything. So it's, it can be challenging and there's a lot of overwhelm and burnout with, you know, in this process and being a special needs mom in general. Well, isn't it true, like as you're speaking my mind is just wor whirling with all of the complexities that we talked about briefly in the intro, but the complexities not only of all the emotion that's charged up behind this idea of. Divorce. No divorce, what do we do? Figuring out that piece as an individual. Then as the couple, then add the the special needs component to it and how do we support everybody in this process so that everybody gets what they need to the best of their ability and everybody thrives in the end to be able to be successful because you're living proof that that can happen. Right, right. That is the goal. To try to do it in a, in a way that you're looking at the big picture as opposed to fighting over things that maybe are ego driven or financially driven and people thinking that has to be a win-lose. We're really, we come at, we wanna come at it as a win-win. How can we all benefit, especially the children? That's really the most important part. And I think the parents would agree as well, but sometimes there's disagreement as to what the child's needs are and how to address that and what that's gonna look like. Right, so. So is that part of your coaching where you help people understand the child their needs? What is the best way to be able to put this together in a way that supports your child, your children? Is that the priority? Yes, for sure. For sure. So some people already in the process and then they have other. Con conflicts and sure that they're dealing with it or presented to them. But if they're starting out from the beginning, that's the best time to start thinking about that and lay the groundwork so that it is as amicable process as it can be and doesn't develop into a more high conflict, which then takes on a life of its own. Right. Right. So when you work with the families that you work with, you, do you, um, connect with them at different stages? I kind of heard you say there were some people who were looking into, is this the best thing for us to do, is divorce, is that the way to go based on our situation? Or do you like, tell me where you get your clients through which, which um, stage are they in? Or is there a mix? Yes. Yeah, this is a mix for sure. So. A lot of times people don't even know about divorce coaches, much less about special needs divorce coaches, and so by the time they find me or learn about me through podcasts is yours and try information I try to put out there like, oh, I, or I, I need this. Or if, or afterwards they're like, oh, I wish I knew this, what I was going through divorce and, and so I can help people either before divorce, during the process and even afterwards as well to maybe work on their communication, the relationship. Um, with the, the ex-partner and with their kids and how to, how to kind of smooth things out as much as possible because I think, um, I mean there are people who are specialized in high conflict and I can work with some of those people too. But really my goal is to try to, um, kind of really identify the issues that are maybe causing the, we can try to address that. Love that. Love that. Love that. And so when you do that work, do, do you find that people get aha moments where they didn't realize what some of the driving forces were? They do because they're looking at it as I did during my divorce at the beginning, of course. Uh, in terms of how is this gonna impact me? But we're not thinking about. Why is the other person taking this position? What can we do to maybe address their concerns so that our concerns are also met? And that's where my mediation training kind of comes in and helps. Yeah. Perfect. So tell me this, why would someone want to work with a divorce coach rather than just working with a lawyer? Like at the end of the day, the lawyer is the one who gets all of the ducks in a row, and this is what's happening and this is, and there's the dotted line side. Why would somebody want to work? See a benefit of working with a divorce coach like yourself? Right. That's a great question because, uh, divorces can be so expensive and so time consuming, like, well, do I really have the bandwidth or time or money to work with somebody else? And so what I learned the hard way, and I try to help people not go down this path, is that if you go into a lawyer's office prepared and focus and just. Work and discuss the legal matters that they're there to help you with, then you can come out out this process with less stress, less time, and less money that you've got to pay and continue paying if, especially if it does become a high conflict. So I, for instance, excuse me, I spent, um, so much of my. Time, maybe with one of my lawyers initially about maybe some of the emotional things I was going through and trying to plan different scenarios, which really didn't need to be done, maybe with an attorney, which has a much higher billable rate than a coach would. And so by talking things through with somebody else, like a divorce coach that can help you. Um, be more focused and really focus on those discussions where, uh, the legal expertise is really valuable. And so definitely, definitely you wanna have a really good attorney, family, law attorney who understands and experience special needs because it is different than a divorce when you don't have that. So, definitely, I'm not here to say you don't need an attorney, you wanna make sure you have a good one. But as part of that, be prepared. Show up professionally, show up with your information ready. Sometimes people are just. Scared of the whole process, what to expect next, or how to fill out forms and what they need to be thinking about really for that child and how to advocate. And so I can share a lot of. Ideas and strategies regarding that. How do you share information with your attorney? What's the way to do that? That maybe if that person, uh, either whether they have experience or not with special needs, maybe your child's needs are different that they haven't really seen before. Right? And what do you need and what's your vision for your divorce? Because depending on how you go about it. You're the boss of your divorce and people think the attorney is, but really you're in charge and so you need to set the tone for what you want that to look like and what you want conversations with the other party to look like as well. That is such an important. Peace, isn't it? Because that goes back to the whole premise of our show. When you make sure that you do this work behind the scenes with a coach like Maryanne who has the expertise and the. Life experience combined. She can help you create what it is that you desire at the end of the day, and you're doing that for you by you because of you. And when you go in with that knowledge, I love what you just shared, something that I personally would've never contemplated. So I am so grateful that you have. Taken this path and really dug in, and I, and I'm going to say I'm, I know why you're doing it, because you are passionate about it. You are there for the children and parent wanting to make sure that everything comes out as seamlessly as possible, and the children get everything that their needs. Require based on their needs. And you cannot go wrong when you put children first. My personal opinion. Exactly. That's exactly what I do. And why, why I do it. I mean, my passion is my, my kids and, and this whole process in helping others to help their kids. Exactly. Yeah. And. Can I ask, could you share a moment from your own journey through your own divorce that completely changed how you've approached helping other parents in the same situation or similar situation? So one piece of advice I would share that somebody gave me was, don't rush into making decisions in your divorce. And so I think. That's so important for people to remember that this is not a race. Yeah. This is, this is a journey. It's kind of a marathon. Not that we want to take forever, but there's no, um, unless there's other circumstances for whatever reason, of course, but you want to really think about it as a business decision, right. I've got a business background, got an MBA, and so that's how I come across my. My approach in my business is to look at it as a business transaction as opposed to an emotional, um, experience. I mean, it is emotional, definitely for sure. Not to say I don't have feelings, and it wasn't impacted really by that, but we have to know how to, um, manage those emotions and turn those into something positive. That's gonna help us in our divorce to get the result we want. That's what we talked about, the vision. What is it? Right. We want outta this divorce mean granted whether we wanted it or not, or it was our choice or we initiated, or no, it doesn't. Doesn't matter. Mm-hmm. The point is, we're getting divorced. What are we gonna do about it to make sure that we're gonna be okay and our kids are gonna be okay. I love that. I love that because again, it goes back to you're doing what you need to do for you by you because of you. So taking that time and not rushing and running in through a motion door that is part of the house of divorce, but you get to decide when that door has to open and when it closes and when you're thinking the big picture as you're speaking Maryanne, I'm thinking, yep. Make it into a business, then it separates it from you and your heart and you can make probably better decisions'cause you're not tied up in the emotional component of it. Is that work you help people do? For sure, for sure. Yeah. So I can definitely help them work through the emotion. But if they're really having a hard time and dealing with a trauma, then definitely I would recommend they seek out the support of a mental health professional. That's what their focus is. And, and so you can definitely work with a mental health professional Sure. To help you work with the past, uh, that led you to the point of divorce. Right. Right. Um, and my focus is like, where are we now and how can we work on what we want? To get to the future goal. Right. Right. Wonderful. Is there anything that we, I mean, I know there's lots we haven't touched on. Is there anything in particular you would love to share with our audience before we wrap up this incredible conversation and we make sure people know how to find you? Sure. So I would say, you know, with you being a coach for women and midlife. This happened to me in midlife and not something that I ever saw as my future. And so as a result, I had to find myself and rediscover myself and who I am. Mm-hmm. And who I remember who I was and how that I could, I can do this. And so through this whole process, I'm like a new person now. Even my son during the divorce, right afterwards I was starting my business. He's like, mommy, you're a different person than you were before divorce. And so for someone. You know, like him to recognize that, that, that means the world to me. And so, so my, my message is one of hope that you can get through this. You will get through this and there's a better life for you after, after this. Thank you so much Maryanne, for your time, your energy, your skills knowledge. We will have in the show notes how to find you. Is there anything coming up that you would like to share with our audience that you wanna make sure they keep an eye open for, that you're gonna be doing in the near future or anything like that? Thanks for asking. So yeah, so, um. In addition to the work I do at Special Family Transitions and my website is under that name and all my social media, so it's really easy to find me. But I also, uh, with a colleague of mine, created a new website called Divorce for Special Needs Children, and we're gonna be having a summit. With all kinds of speakers and experts in special needs divorce, sharing their knowledge in January of 2026. So definitely follow me and I'll be sharing information on that as that develops. I'm very excited about that. And so the point of that is that, like you said, we can't do this. Hello? We might need different help. We talked about mental health, we talked about divorce coaches, but you may need a, uh, special needs financial planner. You may need, um, another coach like yourself to help support you through the process you might need. Good family law attorneys, estate planning attorneys, people to help with the child's education, planning, all kinds of people come into play and things that, um, make this so complex in terms of the decisions we have to make in divorce or start thinking about. So this is a way to start learning about that. So excited to, to be able to share more resources for people. That was the thing I had trouble with it. And my divorce is finding people to help that have this knowledge. And so that's, that's my goal with, with this project, is to make sure that people have that information, access to those people who have that experience and can help. Thank you for providing that because it brings me back to years when I was in education and we talked a lot about having one point of entry so that people as parents struggling with whatever was going on, they didn't have to go here and then go over there and try and it's like finding a needle in a haystack, but when you bring all of those expertise together, thank you for doing that. You and your friend. Yay. Thank you. We are excited when we will absolutely put all of that information in the show notes as it comes together. Maryanne will make sure I get whatever we need for the link so people can find it readily. We want to make this as easy as possible for our audience. So thank you again for being here. Mary Ann. It's always a pleasure to share time, space, and energy with you.'cause you bring such a, a wonderful calmness to conversations that is so needed. Not only today's day and age, but also with people who are struggling with the challenges of thinking about divorce. With children in the family who have special needs, whatever that may entail. So thank you for everything you do every day. Um, make sure that you check the show notes because all the information will be there. Reach out to Maryanne. Follow her. She's always busy. Oh my gosh. I don't think she sleeps. I swear I'm like looking at LinkedIn. There she's again gonna do another. She is all over this and thank heavens for that. If this has inspired you or opened up new ways of thinking for you, please make sure that you follow, share, give a review to our podcast that allows this information to go wider to an audience that needs to hear from Maryanne and hear about how we can all thrive after 45. And if you have not yet seen, you can. Get involved in my Becoming Her Mentor membership. It is a fee generated monthly fee generated opportunity. It's not a program. It's a gathering of incredible women, and we would love to have you in that space. You can find it anywhere in any of my social media. I wish you all a wonderful day and make sure you go and do something for you by you because of you today. Goodbye everyone.