The Untold Podcast
UNTOLD Podcast is where business, family, and life collide—raw, unfiltered, and brutally honest. No fluff, no fake success stories—just real conversations about the highs, the struggles, and everything in between.
The Untold Podcast
The realest one yet: grief, love, and finding light in the dark
Live & Love Today — For Big Kev.
One phone call over breakfast changed everything.
In this episode we talk about sudden loss, the shock that hits the body, and the strange quiet that follows when the world refuses to stop.
It’s a tribute to my dad — Big Kev — a man with grit, humour and a heart that was literally too big.
The bloke who ordered his own scaffold tower, cycled mountain roads after surgery, and taught by doing.
Through stories that swing from tears to laughter, we talk about the love he gave, the stubbornness we inherited, and the pride of seeing his best bits live on.
We also tackle the parts people skip: choosing to see the body, asking for a sign, the mercy of quick arrangements abroad, the smell of aftershave that shouldn’t be there, and a rainbow that arrived with his ashes.
Believe or don’t — meaning helps, and it’s okay to hold on to the moments that steady you.
Grief forces a rethink. Do we chase an empire, or a life we can actually feel?
We talk about mending petty rows, calling parents, taking more photos, getting healthier, and learning to live like tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
It’s not a sermon — just real talk about ordinary joy: drives with old music, a pint in the sun, and saying, “Welcome to another day in paradise.”
If you’re grieving, you’re not alone.
Share this with someone who needs it, drop a comment with their name, and help us keep this conversation honest.
🎧 New episodes every Tuesday
📲 Instagram / TikTok @UNTOLDPodcast.official
🔗 All links: https://linktr.ee/untoldpodcast.official
Content note: honest language, bereavement.
Welcome everybody back to the Untold Podcast. This one's gonna be a little bit different. If you listened to last week's, you'll know that under s uh understandably, you'll know that unfortunately I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. Um the day before I was about to go on XEC. Now, if in this episode you see me tearing up and struggling a little bit, it's not because I'm crying, it's because Chris is wearing his usual TikTok after shave this morning. And it's a little bit um it's a little bit brutal. It's a cheap one today, it's cheaper. No, I don't want this to be, and I've said this to Chris, I don't want this to be morbid, I don't want this to be all about death. I want this to try and help people going through it, because at the moment for me it's fucking raw, man. It's really raw. Um and the emotions, it's like a roller coaster ride that I never want to ever go on again. Um so unfortunately, I joined the Dead Dad Club. It's the shittiest club in the world, and I don't think anything can prepare you for it.
SPEAKER_01:It's not a club you want a membership card to, to be fair, is it?
SPEAKER_00:No, that's it. And it's just been like when you're in it, you feel like you're the only one that's going through it. You'll feel that no one in the world could ever fucking feel that pain. And it's hard, like if you're fucking angry, you're upset, you're sad, you're happy, and you don't know how to feel. There's no fucking rule book for this shit. I wish they could teach it to you in schools.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I've I've not lost I've I don't think I've lost anybody other than grandparents and obviously still very young when that happened, so dreading it, mate.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, I just wanted to a bit of a tribute to my old man and a bit of a stu like a bit to paint the picture to set the to set the scene, really. So obviously, as everybody knows, I was meant to go on XCC on Thursday the 9th. Um, bags are packed, everything. Um I spoke to my old man about two hours before all this happened. I was sitting in a harvester with my wife, having a little bit of grub before I go away and eat rations for four or five days. And I got a phone call from my mum. And she rang once. I didn't answer it. I thought she's just ringing, I'll call her back when we've had breakfast. She rang again. I thought, oh that's very strange. I'll call her back. Then she rang a third time.
SPEAKER_01:That's when you know something's up, don't you?
SPEAKER_00:And I answered it and she was crying. And she said, Ash, I think he's dead. And I was like, What the fuck? I'm in the middle of harvest those people eating breakfast. And I just fucking, what? Like, it doesn't feel real. Doesn't feel real. Even now, it's like my head knows it's real, but my heart's struggling to process it all, yeah. Process it all. Um And he was up on his scaffold tower, chopping his fucking bushes that don't need that don't need doing because he did it fucking three months ago. Um and I always said I remember my so my dad had he's had a hip-hop and a neop in the last year. So he's a little bit off his feet. He's not he wasn't as um he wasn't as agile as he once used to be. Spritely. Yeah. Um and I remember being out there and this fucking lorry pulls up and a crane's dropping this thing over the fence. I said, Dad, what the fuck is that? Oh, it's a scaffold tower. I bought myself a scaffold tower so I can get up and chop these. They got massive bushes all round the garden, so I can do that. I'm like, fuck's sake, that'd be the death of you, that will. He said, Yeah, but I'm not paying anyone else to do it, I can do it myself. Typical bloke. Typical bloke. Um and yeah, he just he would do this, he would do things, he would do, like put himself through with the knee and the hip. He struggled. I mean, the day before he died, the bloke died a 24 kilometre bike ride round the mountains where they live out in Spain. And that was him through and through. It was just like he was he was determined not to let his health stop him doing the things he wanted to do all through life. He's always been the same.
SPEAKER_01:Sounds a bit like you, a bit non-stop.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, um, I guess that's where I get it from. Yeah. But he um we worked, me and my old man, we worked together for the best part of 15 years, and that was like we'd get on, we'd row, we'd fight, and we both had quite strong personalities, so neither of us ever wanted to back down. But I worked with him for 15 years. He's taught me everything I know. He was my mentor, he was my dad, he was my best friend and stuff. So it has been that's fucking colognes kicking off again, Chris. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, mate. Um it's been, do you know what I mean? We had a really good relationship. Now there'll be people listening that may not have that relationship with their parents or any, and this doesn't just this whole process that I'm going through at the moment, it doesn't stem to just losing your mum or your dad or your brother. It's it's anybody that you love. Of course it is, yeah. One minute they're there and the next minute they're gone. And it's like I think my I honestly do think my old man knew that something was up. I really do think some of the things that he's been saying for the last month, telling my mum where to drive when they get out of the airport, doing this. Apparently he said to my mum, he said, Julie, cancer, accidents, um, everything else. He said, I don't know how many more bullets I can dodge. So I honestly do feel that he and in all this process I've been trying to take positives out of it. I've been trying to take positive it's not positive because my old man's gone, but that's for me. So in this whole process, I've been trying to Okay, he was in pain. He was struggling. Like we went to the beach jumping over the waves one day. The waves were massive, we went to the beach. Now, if he was there, he would have wanted to do it, but he couldn't.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because his knee and his hip wouldn't have let him, he couldn't have been able to stand the force of the waves. And I think, I don't know. I don't know, man. It's tough.
SPEAKER_01:It's hard, isn't it? Because you know it's coming. There's only two things you can guarantee in life, it's life and death. Yeah. You know it's coming, but there's there's just no way, however, however hard you try and prepare yourself for it, it's impossible. Because you don't have that emotion unless it's there. It's not something you can prepare for.
SPEAKER_00:No, it's um and like now, like I've come back for three days because I had some work to do, and my favourite thing to do is drive the car on my own. Listen to his old fucking music.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because my old man loves music.
SPEAKER_01:It just puts you in that passenger seat with him though, doesn't it? That's that's what it is. It's just a memory, innit?
SPEAKER_00:A memory that you're gonna have forever, so it's um I don't know. Like I like I said, I don't want this episode, it's not about I don't want sympathy from people, it's not about that. It's about like I don't fucking know how to navigate this. I don't know how to like you feel bad when you are being happy and enjoying life. And then on the other hand, you might get angry at stupid things.
SPEAKER_01:I guess that's one of the hardest things, I suppose. Like when when you lose somebody, do you feel like guilt or do you feel guilty for like smiling?
SPEAKER_00:You d I mate, it's um you you right the emotions that flow that have been flowing through me the last like it's two weeks tomorrow. It's just that I journalled the whole thing. From when we got on the plane to go out to Spain, I journalled it. And that was the longest day of my life, obviously. My mum rang me at 22 minutes past ten in the morning. Um and then we didn't get there till 12 o'clock that night. Now, because they've only been there for six months, she hasn't got anyone, she hasn't got any friends around that rally around her. So after the police had been and they'd done the inspection because it was an accident, after the police had been and the coroner had been and they took his body away, she was rattling around in the house on her own for like seven, eight hours waiting for us all to get there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's a long time, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00:And that was just I remember sitting at the airport and we're sitting in the thing at the airport, and I'm like, just sitting there like this. Guys like, bad day, mate. I was just parked off and said, Yeah, my dad's just died. And he was like, I'm so sorry. So like you don't know how to be that poor guy, that poor guy's not that's not one of those, oh yeah, you go to court, mate.
SPEAKER_01:No, I'm going to a funeral, actually. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_00:Go to a wedding, no, yeah, yeah. And it's I don't know, mate. That like I was talking to my mum, uh, I was talking to my mum about the other day. She's like, I feel guilty. She said, but I can still feel his presence. Yeah. This like honesty, we went, they said, Do you want to see his body? And I know that people listening to this, don't talk about this, mate, but it's real, and it was a decision I had to make. They said, Do you want to see his body? And I said, I'm damned if I do and I damned if I don't. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I had to do it. And it was um hold on. I'll get to red.
SPEAKER_01:Plus, I suppose it was really tough, mate. Really tough. You like to say it's one of those things where you feel like if you don't do it, then you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. But if you do do it, you're gonna kind of have that in your head, ain't ya?
SPEAKER_00:But I'm so glad I did it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And I went in there. I said I'll go in first, because I'm like the man of the house now. Um so I said I'll go in first, and I just sat there. Actually, no, first, I was standing over it looking down on him. And he was cold, obviously, because he's fucking been in the freezer. So I held his hand and I was like, I'm not bothered because of this. I pulled up a chair and just sat with him. Fucking bastards. Dad, stop it. And um, I asked him for a sign. I was like, look, just give me a sign, blow the fucking candles out or something like in this chapel, blow the fucking candles out, give me a sign. And there was nothing coming. Anyway, I walked out of there and I went like that. I could smell his aftershave on my hand. Fucking potent as anything. Yeah, nothing else. I went to my mum, can you smell it? Yeah, everyone could smell it. Went in the back in the room, couldn't smell it on him at all. Like, but I'm glad I did it, and the kids did it as well. Did they? And it was I don't know, it was like closure. Yeah. I think my mum said, because my mum had seen him there at the house when it happened. Yeah, yeah. My mum had seen him, so it makes it a bit more real. And I think it's like I describe it as stepping stones, and there's things that we've gone through as a family, and like we had we saw him, and then we had a couple of days to prepare for the service that they did in Spain, which was lovely, and they were really good. So we managed to do the service within what was less than a week.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we this this is the mad thing about other European countries, isn't it? It's it's a I hate to say the word, but turnaround. Like it's it's so fast. Like we were talking earlier on, it's like six weeks here, isn't it? At least six weeks. Yeah. Like when you're abroad, you've got to get out there as quickly as you possibly can because they have they have a I mean in France, I think it's 48 hours they have to they have to have the funeral. So it's like you don't get that opportunity to really grieve before the funeral, do you, in other countries like you do here?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So they said to us we went and saw him on the Saturday, and they told us that he died of a monster heart attack, which it's weird, but that made me feel better.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because if he'd have fallen off the tower that I told him not to fucking buy, that would have been even more gutting. It's gutting anyway, but there's there's little things and you find it.
SPEAKER_01:No, I could I could when you rang me and told me what had happened, that's kind of what you thought had happened as well, wasn't it? So that was probably the hardest bit to swallow until you found that out, I suppose.
SPEAKER_00:And you find peace in little things. Yeah. Little things like that. Okay, and they said he said he could have been sitting on the sofa watching tipping point, he could have been driving the car, he could have been doing anything, and it would have been it anyway. That was it. My old man's always said, Ash, if your time's up, your time's up. You don't get to choose that. Yeah. And it's true. It is true. I'm just glad that I had the relationship I had with him. Yeah. And I get so him and my brother had a really strong bond over music.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Whereas I never writ and football, and that was never really my thing. But then I look at it and I'm like, I had a bond over him about business and fixing things, and he taught me all the things that I know. Um, and there's bits of him in my brother, and there's bits of him and me, and that's sort of how he's gonna live through us all.
SPEAKER_01:There'd be people listening to this, including myself, that are very jealous of that relationship. Like, I you know, I don't know whether my dad listens to this podcast or not, but you know, I've I've got a much closer relationship with my dad for the last two and a half years since Cruz was born. But before that, very, very weak relationship, like growing up, like oh I had a relationship since I was about 14, but my mum as well, I speak to my mum like once every six months, if that. Um and I I when I took the phone call, when I left the podcast studio last week after recording that little pog the episode that I did. I kind of thought to myself, I really, really, really need to reach out to my parents a lot more and make much more of an effort, you know, because if you if you don't have a relationship, I feel like it might even be harder because you feel like you should have had a relationship with them. Um it's a tough one, mate. Like, I know you've gone through it, but just listening to the way you've gone through it makes me think how I'd go through it. And I kind of think to myself, like, because I don't have that relationship, am I gonna be more affected than you've been? Because am I gonna beat myself up for the rest of my life and say, why didn't I make the effort? Why did I blame them for not making the effort all the time? Well, they're my parents, they should reach out to me. Why should I reach out to them? I'm their son, but actually, I'm a 43-year-old man, maybe it's time that I reached out to them and put that relationship properly together again. I mean, my eldest brother doesn't even talk to my dad. Yeah. You know, like how's he gonna feel when when the day comes, you know? Um I remember when my grand when my granddad died, actually, my uncle didn't speak to him and he put his fist through his front door, he was in such rage, and that was it. We've I've never really spoken to him since. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, it's um obviously there's there's some relationships that it might be past it, do you know what I mean? But you've got to try. I just think you've got to try. Like I'm I'm fucking went through his phone because I was looking for photos and shit, because this is the one thing that I'd say as well, get more fucking photos.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because that you've got the memories, but the photos, like, they're there, like the kids, my daughters are 11 and 7, and Harvey's 17. And they were all dealt with it completely different ways. It's sort of been one of those we haven't hid it from them, they were there, yeah. But we've fucked on the day got the call, Isla was with me, she had a wobble at school in the morning dropping her off because I was going on XCC and she's very sensitive. So we said, come on, come for breakfast with us. This is your only day we're doing it, blah blah blah. So she was there when I got the phone call, and I I couldn't not react the way I reacted, just broke down in the middle of a fucking restaurant with everybody eating breakfast. Um, and then I had the XCC thing, and I'm thinking, shit, someone I'm supposed to be picking someone up in a minute to drive them to Wales. I've got to do that. And I sent the message to to them and said, Look, I've got to go, I can't come. Um and within two hours, James reached out to me who we did the podcast with. Yeah, he phoned me. He's like, Man, I'm so sorry for your loss. And they um on the Saturday night, they built a memorial for him. Yeah, it's fucking wicked. I'll put the I'll send you the video. I might put it on the thing. They've collected all the stones and the logs and they put a cross and they lit a candle. I said a prayer for it. Oh wow. Which was that's amazing to be fair. Um, and they were amazing. Everyone was the group, like, and I now I'm doing it in um Northumberland. Well, guess what? Are you coming to? Oh I'll have to, wouldn't I? When is it? Um 19th of 19th or 22nd of March. Yeah, I should be right by then. Yeah, my foot my legs should be right, so yeah. So yeah, so uh so yeah, so that like they've they've been amazing everyone's been amazing, and you sort of live the the messages and the memories, like my old man was a man of the people. Like it's it's ironic that the guy with the biggest heart died because his heart got too big, couldn't carry the weight of his love anymore. Um it is it is it is ironic. Um but he the messages and stuff and the people sharing, like, I remember your old man. He I put my first business card into his shop and it now I'm here and I've got business because of him, because he took a chance on me to do this, and oh I remember when I started my and I remember this, and there's like people in the music world, because my dad was in like a a small group of like people with music and he sort of sponsored a young kid to get his album out there and helped him with publishing and all sorts of things, and I just like reading that he lived he lived his life until he'd lived doing exactly what he wanted to do until the day passed, and I can sort of take pride in that and take I'm proud of him, like and I'm rambling, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But this is this is your opportunity, mate.
SPEAKER_00:To be fair, this is bit of a therapy session for you as well, isn't it? Yeah, and and that's and I didn't want to like I was debating whether to record this, and I was like, I've gotta do it, I've gotta do it.
SPEAKER_01:Um like you said like you said in your uh in your thing I read out, you know, he was a massive supporter of the podcast, so it was always important to do something like this. Yeah, always important.
SPEAKER_00:And yeah, and it's just I don't know, like I wanted to do this one to keep his light shining, a bit of tribute to him, but two, because no one prepares you for this. No one, nothing in your life can prepare you for this. And if anyone's going through it, then feel free to reach out like because that my mum's doing my mum's dealing with it differently to my brother, to my sister-in-law, to my wife, to the kids, we're all dealing with it differently. Yeah, and like I've come back to UK and I honestly thought like I didn't want to come back here because then the reality is even it's even more real. While I was out in Spain and the sun was shining, and we were going for menu of the day and drinking pints at lunchtime just because we could in the sunshine. Came back here and I was dreading it, but I'm so glad I did it, because like I said, that's another stepping stone. Yeah, I've got the the fact that it happened, then you've got the the CNM, then you've got the ceremony, and now there's just all it's finding a new normal. Of course it is, yeah. Trying to and he'll laugh at this because for 38 years he's been trying to give me advice, and I'd say, Yeah, I know, Dad. Yeah, I know. Now I find myself asking for his fucking advice.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, typical, is it?
SPEAKER_00:Um but yeah, just I don't know. It's gut-wrenching, it's been brutal. Um, but like he said, the show must go on. He wouldn't want us sitting around fucking moping. Like I said before, he was very much of the opinion that when your time's up, your time's up. Yeah. And I remember like when when he says it, when he's been saying it for however many years, live today like it could be a last because Ash tomorrow's never guaranteed. I'm like, what you yeah, I know that, but that's not that's not gonna happen to us. Like, that's not gonna happen.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, just it kind of it does sort of point out that everybody takes things for granted, don't they?
SPEAKER_00:We do, and it it's it's completely changed what I want to do. Like, my brain's now wired in a different way to how it was before. Like, I'm now debating do I want to fucking grow an empire business over here? Do I want to earn that? Do I want to chase a fucking sports car? Do I want to chase a big fucking house with gates? Or do I want to chase a life where I get to enjoy it? Like me and my brother were talking, up the strip where they live, there's an empty thing. Used to be a bar and grill. Like, fuck it, we've got a bit of money. Shall we just uh fuck it all off and move out there and enjoy life in the sunshine? Yeah. We'll put a podcast studio in the back room. I'll be the bar manager. That's it, mate. That's it. And and like I really want this to I really want this to work now even more than I did before because he believed in it. Because he was like, oh wicked, like I can't believe you're doing that. So yeah, well I just I don't know, man. I don't know. It's just been there's no I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:You've got no structure at the moment, have you? Because you don't know where you're coming or going, I suppose. That's that's probably the hardest thing to deal with now, isn't it? You kind of, although you haven't dealt with it, you've dealt with the major part of your dad passing, the funeral, the family, like holding together and everything, but now you've got the extra part of now working out what life is gonna look like without him, yeah. And your thought process has changed, so you it's it's basically just trying to cross all the T's and dot all the R's and get everything sorted again, isn't it? Which is gonna take the time, really.
SPEAKER_00:I keep saying that, I say to my mum, I say, look, it's it's fine, it's we're we're allowed to grieve, we're allowed to cry, we're allowed to laugh. We've just got to find a new normal, and like I feel for her because I yeah, I used to they moved to Spain in February this year.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I'll speak to him a lot on the phone, I'll WhatsApp him, we send each other jokes, and like I'll speak to him on the phone whenever I want. But my mum was the mum making up with him every day.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And every single every single morning they used to say to each other, Welcome to another day in paradise. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And it's like But my mum's strong. At least they got to do it though, mate. That's the difference, you know. Like Well, that's it. Your mum might have always had that thought in her head that I wish we'd done what we said we were gonna do all those years, you know. She they they did it and she got to spend time doing it, that's the main thing.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and she's like she's adamant, she's like, like my mum worked corporate world, my mum worked in London, trains, fucking leading teams, and so she's not shy of making friends and stuff, yeah. But because they've been enjoying it, she hasn't needed to, yeah, because they were both like right, Julie. You're your driving's terrible. I'm gonna drive you everywhere in Spain. So for six months, he's really looked after her to the point where she's not had to drive, she's not had to do this, she's not had to do that. But she is an independent woman, and I think she'll do it. Um, I just yeah, as a son, she might be saying, No, just leave me, I just want to do it on my own. But I'm like, no, you're not ready for that yet. It's hard to know what's right. Of course it is, because she's never gonna tell you the truth anyway, is she?
SPEAKER_01:Oh no, she would. Oh, she's okay. Well my no, I'm I mean like as in uh most people they say, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, like leave me alone. And actually that you know, they may need a little bit more support than they're making out. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's like what we talk about normally on a podcast in it, mental health and stuff. Most people just go, Yeah, yeah, I'm right, don't worry about it. Like, don't worry about me. You deal with your own life, and actually maybe those people need a little bit more support than they're making out.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And that like there's there's there's a lot of people that reached out, like I I know I went through it, and it's amazing how many people like like I said, when you're in it, you feel like there's no one in the world that has been through the same thing as you. When they it is, it's in it's happening every second of every day. It's gonna be everyone in the world. Yeah, it is, it's gonna be everyone you we're all gonna lose someone. We're all gonna like and I just I don't know. I don't know what like the right way to be, the right way to act. Is it right film a podcast about it? Is it right? Is it wrong? I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:But just doing what Whatever right whatever is right is what whatever feels right.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:That's it.
SPEAKER_00:And that's it, and it's yeah, it's it's um like my advice to anybody, like I said in the video, like I said in that note, is seriously fucking live today. Seriously do live today. Like that don't go fucking right, I'm doing a sky to have a bungee jump bucket list and that just just fucking cherish every moment that you you've got and do your best. We're all gonna have good days, we're all gonna have bad days. We're gonna have days where we feel like we could climb Everest and then days where we can't even be asked to get out of bed. Live 'em and if you're having more days where you don't want to get out of bed, then fucking change it because it's one life, innit?
SPEAKER_01:Exactly that.
SPEAKER_00:It's one life we live.
SPEAKER_01:But you thought you it's basically this this whole situation's forced me to go to the gym this afternoon. This is it. That's I went, I went and er I went away from your telephone call and you rang me the other week. And I thought to myself, like, obviously I've got heart conditions, so it makes me think about my own health. And then I just thought, you know, I've got a three and a half year old kid, I don't I don't want to be having an issue early on in life. Um so I'm joining the gym, gonna try and look after myself. I took him to to uh Godston Farm yesterday and we played in the indoor ball pit, and I went up and down the ball pit twice, and I was fucked. I stood at the top and I felt like I was gonna pass out, and I just thought to myself, this is not the way to be a dad, is it? Like you've got to be there for your kid as long as possible, and you know, thankfully you had a brilliant relationship, long relationship with your dad, so um maybe it's time that people actually listened to this podcast and made a change in themselves if they feel like they need to make a change because And you haven't got to go, do you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00:You've not got to go fucking mental. So my old man, like he was he was a big lad. My my mates used to call him the BFG when when we were kids, like, because he's a big friendly giant. When you first meet him, you get his like raw presence and stuff, and then you'll find out that he was the most kind-hearted so ever. You wouldn't want to cross him on a bad day, like, and doing wrong, but it wasn't like a it wasn't like I say that, it wasn't aggressive at all, but he came across, he he was big, and he's needed a hip or a knee op for I reckon. Basically, when we were kids, he had an accident. We used to have a boat and he was out doing the painting, and the guy next to him took the chocks out, his boat fell on my boat. My dad was underneath it. My dad went up to meet the boat, saw it happen, he went up to meet the boat so my mum could get out, and he was stuck in the fetal position with a three and a half ton boat on his back for 45 minutes. Nice, snapped all his pelvis, his pelvis was broken in like five or six places. Um, and that's when it all started like bad hip, bad knees, and stuff. So he's been in pain for a long time, but the knee op needed to happen, but he was too he was in a vicious cycle of I can't exercise because I'm in so much pain. Then we went away skiing one year for Christmas. I've spoken about this before when I was in a bad place. And after that, when he realised that he couldn't do the things he wanted to do with the grandkids, he couldn't run up the hill with the sledges with him, he couldn't walk from the chalet to the restaurant and bar area more than once a day because it was excruciating for him. He came back and he lost six or seven stone, and he just pushed through the pain in order for him to have the hip-hop, and then he had the knee op. Um, but he like something triggered in him. He was like, right, I've fucking hell, I've got to sort myself out, and so it just triggered it. And he pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed, and he wouldn't let his health, no matter what. I mean, I've never known anybody three weeks after having a knee op to be on their exercise bike trying to ride it, yeah. In agony, because he would not let his health get the better of him, and I can take that, and that sort of made me like I've got to do more because I'd be the same as you. Yeah, if my kids want to fucking go for a run up the up the hill or run to the shops, or I couldn't I couldn't do it. So that's it's something that I've got to work on as well. Um But yeah, just fucking live, man. We've got to live our lives. Like my old man lived his life, yeah, he lived his life, he worked hard, he lived his life. He didn't ever want for if he wanted something, he was in a position where he could go and get it, was by no means minted, by no means like polluted with money. But if he wanted something, he'd find a way to get it, and if he wanted to do something, he'd find a way to do it. Whether it was constructing some sort of thing in order for him to get a sleeper in the garden because he couldn't quite lift it, he'd fucking find out a way to do it. And just yeah, just everybody, just live your life. Live your life, be healthy, be happy, be grateful. I'm terrible at it. I'm terrible for oh, I can't be asked to do this today. It should be the other way around. Sure, come on, let's get up, get it done.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:But I don't know. I don't know. So yeah, I just That's about it. I don't want to keep ranting about it because I don't want to go down a I don't want to go down a deathly fucking negative podcast route. But if anyone's listening and you're going through it, or it's triggered, then let us know. And if anyone wants to reach out, then reach out.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I'd be interested to get a like a bereavement counsellor on just to discuss it with them. They can almost counsel me live on a live on a podcast. I don't mind because I don't mind I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. People have always said, Ash, you're so fucking open. Yeah, well why?
SPEAKER_01:That's the thing about this podcast, though, isn't it? We're trying to make it as relatable and as honest as possible. So I must admit, I thought to myself, is this an episode we really want to be doing? Because it is going to be quite morbid. But actually, when I thought about it properly, it's kind of the whole ethos of the podcast, innit? So why would we not do it?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I I I don't know. We're all gonna go through it. No one's I've never really heard anybody talking about it and how it fucking feels, how it actually feels when it's like.
SPEAKER_01:Everyone just turns their phone off for a couple of weeks and puts yeah, puts their emails on, do not disturb, don't they?
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, and the problem with it is is you want the world to stop. Like I want the world to stop, but it doesn't, it keeps going. People chasing money, customers chasing things, and I'm just like, please just give me a week. Like, and that's sort of why I flew back for three days to get everything done that I needed to get done, so I can now go out there and sort of spend more time with the family. Because it's the it's the first time that the whole family have been together in their house.
SPEAKER_01:That is the only thing about death and weddings. It's the only time you ever. Get your whole family together in one place, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. But like I was um we had no photos of my old man. I was like, fuck sake, why? Why was there no photo? He was always behind the camera, he was always filming the kids in the pool and and so I went for his phone, as you do, um, and found out that he was a serial selfie taker. So I found about 50, 60 selfies, just stupid faces and all sorts. And that was nice. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's nice. And like you never know, he might have been doing that on purpose. Well, this there's still some so my dad was been to his music and he wrote he wrote the music for uh he wrote the music for a song. And he always said to my brother, he's like, I've wrote lyrics for it. And my dad brother said, What are the lyrics? He's like, Not until you learn to play it on the guitar. When you learn to play it on the guitar, I'll send you the lyrics. So we're now searching where's the fucking lyrics. Oh, no way. Yeah, there's something there. I know there's something we yet to find. We might find it next week, we might find it next year, but there's something that he's left behind, like a legacy, like something. I I I don't know, it's weird. Like my mum would say, like, I can feel his presence in everything I do. Like I miss his physical presence, but he's still here. He's like, I haven't had anything back in the UK yet since I've been here. Like, no signs. Like this is one I'll sort of leave. My mum's been in Spain, she's never seen a rainbow in the six, seven months they've been out there. The other morning, um, last Thursday, it was about 11.55, big fucking rainbow in the sky. Three minutes later, knock on the door, it's the guy dropping off his ashes. Look up in the sky, the rainbow's gone. Like, I don't know, like whether you like when we sat with James and we said about like faith and spirituality and things like that, like I'm not necessarily a religious man, yeah, but I believe in that. Whether that's me wanting to believe it, because I'm like the smell of the aftershame on the hand, like in the thing, like that was fucking bizarre. Like it was potent, there was nothing that could have made it happen. So I I don't know, man. I read. You just hold on to those things, mate.
SPEAKER_01:It doesn't matter whether whether it's a real thing or whether it's what you want to believe in, just hold on to it, because that's that's what it's all about, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's it. So so yeah, so this has been a sort of a tribute to my old man episode. This um I don't know what we're gonna cover next week. That might be a I'm sitting by the pool in Spain, Chris, and you're sitting in your studio and we'll do it virtually. Um but yeah, I just yeah, I don't want this episode to be morbid. I don't want sympathy from people. I just want everybody to take something from it. Live for today. Yeah. Live for today. Fucking if you've got stupid beef with your brother, your sister, your mum, your dad, your best friend over something that can be squashed, fucking squash it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Because And stop all the petty rows with your partners.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:They're probably one of the main things, I think, as well. Like the amount of arguments you have with your other half that mean nothing, but you might not talk to each other for 24 hours. Like, in the big picture of things, when something like this happens, it just makes you realise that actually all those stupid little things don't matter. Yeah, because what and if it could happen, couldn't it?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. No, you and this is it, it could. It could, Mama, yeah, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow, Ash. Like, but it is true, it is it is very true, and you've just and you'd never forgive yourself. Like, I go back and look through like my call list, and I used to call him regularly, used to WhatsApp in regularly. I couldn't have done any more, especially since they moved to Spain. Yeah, and I spoke to him more because they did move to Spain when they live five minutes up the road, you take it for granted that they're um and yeah, that's I don't know, it's um I'm not through it, I'm definitely not through it. It's like I'll fucking yesterday was a bad day, day before wasn't too bad. Today I go back and I'm I think what's happened is because I'm just with normal people now. Yeah, I'm not with the family with my wife and my mum and that at the house. So I've been going through and I've been like back to reality, fucking answering phone calls, dealing with customers, sending emails, like this is this is like my normal. And I realised I can't pick up the phone and ring him anymore. But that's been that's the toughest part, I think. Like all those years, and uh not that I've taken him for granted because I haven't, but yeah, if you've got stupid fucking beef with anybody in your life, fucking squash it. Squash it and just because you don't know. You've we don't write the rule book. Yeah, man. The decisions we make today, just make the right ones. And I'll tell you what, this isn't sponsored by Neutronic, but this stuff has been getting me through. It really has fucking helped me with that mental like thing. But anyway, let's stop about that. What have you been up to, Chris?
SPEAKER_01:Not a lot, mate. But really, looking at cars for the last two weeks on the internet. Um, deciding I want this car, then I don't want that car because it's too much money. I'm not gonna spend that much as I get this car, then you can get the car. So I haven't got a car.
SPEAKER_00:Um Did you sell the van?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, something. The van gone. Yeah, the van's gone, yeah. That went, thank God. Um but yeah, I haven't really been doing a lot, mate, to be fair. Miss has had the operations, so she's sort of been out of action for a week and a half. My little boy's just been a complete nightmare for the last week and a half. Obviously, things are going on, and they his mum's got plasters and stitches all over her belly, and he's obviously three and a half, so he doesn't know how to deal with it, so his emotions have all come out. But things are settling down a bit now, it's getting a bit easier. Um other than that, mate, just normal life, really. Yeah, coming and going, up and down, in and out. Well, not so much in and out to be fair, but on that note, on that note, let's lend let's end this episode.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks everyone for listening. I've been Ash, and I've been Chris. And this has been the Untold Podcast. I hope you take something out of this. Please like, subscribe. If someone's going through something very similar to me, then share it. If you want to reach out, there's pe there'll be people out there that haven't got the support network that we've got. Let us be your support network. Reach out to us. We've got the untold phone. Um, message us 075-11-272-459. Um, we are looking for sponsors for the podcast now.
SPEAKER_01:Um funeral directors, though.
SPEAKER_00:No, yeah, no funeral directors. Um, Newtronic would be a great sponsor for the episode because I actually really do rate it. Um, I really do. I mean they might want you to name it correctly. What's it called? Newtonic. Newtonic. Newtonic. Newtonic. James and that, if you're listening. Um no, I'm only joking. Um, but yeah, thanks for no he's not, no, he's not. If you are listening, we're happy to take some sponsorship from it. But no, I do really rate it. It's been fucking brilliant for trying to focus my brain, whether that's just there or there. But I've promoted it, I've tried I've promoted that brand as well.
SPEAKER_01:So, yes, it's good, it's good. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_00:Let's wrap that up. We don't know what's going to happen next week, where it's going to be, how it's going to be filmed, but we will be here. Because as he would have said, Chris, the show must go on. Exactly that, mate. Take care, everybody. See you in a bit.