The Untold Podcast

You’re Not Lazy — You’re Overloaded (Mum/Dad Reality Check)

• The Untold Family • Season 3 • Episode 3

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0:00 | 47:44

If you’re a mum or dad doing everything — work, bills, school runs, kids’ emotions, trying to keep the house calm — and it still feels like you’re not moving forward… this one’s for you.

In this episode we talk about the real stuff:

  • why it’s so hard to celebrate the small wins when life feels heavy
  • the mental load of parenting (and why it never really “switches off”)
  • how doomscrolling and negativity quietly wreck your energy at home
  • and the simple habit changes that start a knock-on effect (movement, food, sleep, being present)

No preaching. No perfect routines. Just an honest conversation for tired parents trying their best — and a reminder that you are moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it today.

If this hits home, share it with a parent who needs it.

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SPEAKER_02

Welcome back to the Untold Podcast. How are you doing, Chris? I'm alright, mate.

SPEAKER_01

Are you still Chris? I am still Chris. Apparently I'm gonna be it for the rest of my life as well. I don't know.

Parents Working Hard Yet Standing Still

SPEAKER_02

I still want to become Christina, I suppose. Well that's it. It's common these days, isn't it? It's common these days. Um This episode is gonna be a bit like the podcast. Why it feels like you're working so hard and not really getting anywhere.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I think that's quite a good way to frame it because we're working hard on the podcast. We've got our regular listeners, which is great. But why are we not because we keep doing what we're doing, we're not willing to change things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, so this episode is really, I think at the moment, aimed at dads and mums and parents who are working every single day doing what they do and just don't feel that they are moving forward.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think if you look at all the episodes that we have done, there's some sort of connection between them all to that as well, isn't it? But we've been very broad. But I think if you really sit down and think about every episode, there's been bits for basically just mums and dads being better people and trying to better their lives, isn't it? Really?

SPEAKER_02

And I think the biggest thing, because I know you're feeling the same as me, and probably all the listeners, we do feel like, oh shit, I've not really m I don't feel like I've moved forward this week. And we're not celebrating, we're not celebrating the little wins. Like we're not celebrating that, we're not celebrating the fact that, oh fuck me, for a whole week, managed to get my lazy kid out of bed and into school on time for a week and it's not been stressful.

SPEAKER_01

That can be that can be harder than even getting up and going to work for for no one else, can't it? I've experienced that myself the last couple of weeks with my little boy. The the massive adversion to nursery where at bath time he's kicking off and screaming because he doesn't want to go to nursery the next day. The morning of nursery is kicking off, and we're taking him to nursery 30 minutes later than he's supposed to be there just to get him in. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, my daughter, who's 11, she rang me this morning in tears because her little sister is seven won't get out of bed and is going to make her late. But she was awake when I left. She was awake when I left at 10 to 7. Yeah. Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, before you go, can I have a hug? Yeah, give her a hug. Right, mate, she gets out of bed this morning. Yesterday we went to the camera shop because I bought myself a new toy and she's seen this little Polaroid car. Oh, Daddy, can I have one of them? I said, when you're good. When you're good, but I said to my wife this morning, it's like, why do we like she said to me actually, because I want the easy life, why do we have to reward her just to get out of bed and get into school? Why are we using bribery? Yeah, mate.

SPEAKER_01

I went to Sainsbury's the other day and bought Cruiser Bluey cup because I knew he I said to him, if you go to nursery today, daddy'd buy you a treat, and his favourite thing's bluey at the moment. So I went to Sainsbury, I used to get myself a water bottle for the gym, and I saw a seven pound bluey cup. So I bought him a seven pound bluey cup just for going to nursery, just for doing the one thing that he's supposed to do anyway.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Bribery, Rewards, And Routines

SPEAKER_01

And I and then today he's gone again. Oh boy, Bubs, if you go to nursery like a good boy, I'll buy you something after nursery, I'll take you to the shop and treat you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I never used to get treats to go to nursery or school.

SPEAKER_02

And now is that a good thing or is that a bad thing?

SPEAKER_01

It's terrible, isn't it? Because you're just spoiling them.

SPEAKER_02

But if they're your sort of the way I look at it, and this is me wanting the easy life, I'm rewarding them for doing something. Like when you go to work, you're rewarded with pay.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

When you go to the gym every day, you're rewarded with feeling better and how to do it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's a good shout, I suppose, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But I think it gets to a point where you're like, you can't do this every single day. I did it with Ella, I said, right, and this went on for I don't know, eight weeks. I was like, right, if you get up every day this week, if you do your homework, if you do this, on a Friday, I will pick you up from school, I will take you to the toy shop. And this went on every week. Every week in the toy shop was costing me 30, 40 quid. Exactly. I didn't really have the money, but it was making I wasn't getting the phone calls every morning. Can you get this bloody kid out of bed? She will not get up. Um, and then my other daughter is getting really stressed because she's gonna get late now, she's in secondary school, but it worked. I don't get I don't get presents, though. No, what's the problem? Well, why don't we get presents?

SPEAKER_01

Why doesn't my missus bot me something every time I do something good?

SPEAKER_02

No, well that's it, but they do because they look after you. Well, yeah, I suppose. They look after you, give you presents in other ways, Chris. Come on, it's not all about us.

Nursery Struggles And Emotional Load

SPEAKER_01

No, she does cook a good roast, didn't it, to be fair?

SPEAKER_02

It's not all about us, but I I think I went to the doctors this morning, um, had a little chat about like my dad passing and stuff. She's like, Well, do you feel depressed? Do you feel this? And I was like, I don't think I do. And I had a chat with her about it's so difficult to block out the negative shit going on. It's so hard to block out the negative stuff. There's so much of it, mate. There's so much of it. And I said to her, and the thing, I was like, the sun's shining today, but I'm driving down the road and my car sounds like a bag of bolts, and I've got the suspension done again because the roads are so bad.

SPEAKER_01

And that's going to do a podcast in it.

Blocking Out Negativity And News

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, we could do actually, couldn't we? I've got the new thing now, we can have two cameras on us, so we can have an outside camera. No, I know what you mean, mate. I do know what you mean. But it's so like and I said to her, I said, I'm trying not to watch the news, I'm trying to change my TikTok algorithm. This is a big one. Um, Ricky Gervais did a podcast with Romesh, and he said, Yeah, he scrolls. That is brilliant as well, but it's one of the best things I've ever watched in my life. It's so valued. But he said, if you're gonna use social media, then search for what you want to look for. Yeah, don't let try and control the algorithm a bit more. And that's what I've done. It's like Keir Starmall pop up, Sadiq Khan will pop up, like Corky and all these people just moaning and moaning and moaning about things, and it proper does, it gets you down. Yeah, so I think if you're listening to this and you were like me and you just aimlessly scroll, try changing your algorithm. Yeah search for funny stuff, search for stuff that's gonna give you the dopamine hits quicker and not just oh it's negative. Let's let's search for a positive post. Um, I think that's a big one.

SPEAKER_01

I've got a little thing for that, actually, right? So I was thinking the other day, screen time. We all go, oh my god, I've done nine hours on my phone, oh my god, it's nine hours of screen time. We're all really negative towards that, right? My screen time is huge on my phone, because obviously my work is through my phone. A lot of people are beating themselves up or having a little bit of a competition with their other halves at the moment, thinking, Oh, I've only had four hours, you've had nine hours, you're pathetic, blah blah blah. If that screen time is used for good purposes, it's actually not a bad thing.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

Curating Your Algorithm And Screen Time

SPEAKER_01

So, you know, I only put this in because you're talking about like the algorithm and everything. Like, if people are worrying about their screen time, actually just look at what think about what you're using the screen time for. If you're doom scrolling on TikTok or you're working, you're researching, you might be learning new things, you might be watching podcasts or listening to us, or you know, if you listen to all of our episodes, every single one, your screen time's gonna be up, isn't it? Um but yeah, I just wanted to mention that because I I I was thinking about it the other night about my screen time was like ten and a half hours the other day, and I was thinking, Jesus Christ, that is really bad. But actually, I've had like seven and a half hours worth of lives on my phone, so it's not actually as bad as what I think it is.

SPEAKER_02

I think and that and that's a big thing as well. Like if you're you like the if you want to make a bit of extra income and you're looking, watch watch videos like what you do teaching people how to be an affiliate, not just watching that, watch clips that if you like I said to my son, he's like, I want to do music production. They've been going to the some studio in Brighton and recording bars and beats and ting. Um he's like, I want to get into music production. I said, Okay. Well, I don't know how to do it. There is millions and millions and millions of hours of people on social media doing it. Yeah, you want to learn to play the guitar, go on YouTube, you want to learn to play the drums, the piano. You there's enough there for you to start to give you a good idea of whether it's for you, and then you can go down there. And I think if we're using screen time for things like that, it's like when my daughter was young, she came on so quick because she was watching videos on YouTube of colours and names and numbers. So that was like, but then you get to the Roblox era, alright?

SPEAKER_01

Our YouTube is now broken in our asset doesn't work on our TV. Really? Well, yeah, it does, but obviously that's what we're telling crews. Yeah, yeah. Oh no, we haven't got any internet, we can't you we can't watch YouTube anymore. He hasn't watched it for five days, and his behaviour's got so much better. You know, he was watching, oh daddy, can I watch that? And it was like some bloke set up a train set and he's just driving the trains around making funny noises and stuff. And I mean, that is brain-rotting trash, innit? You know, like and and they see all these different colours. It's like a TikTok video. Decent TikTok videos have loads of little clips, so you're you're your brain is focused at three three seconds at a time. So if you watch a video that's three seconds, and then another three seconds, another three seconds, another three seconds, your brain's constantly engaging with that video. So when kids watch their tour on TikTok, whoever makes those videos, it uh they're so clued up on how to make them colours, seconds of each clip, and stuff like that. It's it's just no good for their brain. That's where anger comes from, it's where behaviour issues come from. It's just and I and I'm not an expert, but I I've looked into all this sort of stuff and I know it. This is a fact, so um you know, we banned him from having all that stuff for about five or six days, I think it is, and I've noticed a difference in he's he's quite an angry little kid sometimes, and it is only when he has three or four hours on YouTube on the TV. It's not like he's slapped on an iPad, he's actually got it on the TV, so probably even more heightened, you know.

Screen Time For Learning Versus Doomscrolling

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah. And we we found it like with Roblox. We're out in Spain, the sun's shining, it's beautiful. There's a pool there, there's floaties, there's this, there's that. Floaters, floaters, yeah, floating in the pool. No floaters. Kevin and Perry there with it. Like the big unicorns and stuff. And my daughter's sitting inside in the air con. Yeah, it was very hot, it was like 40 degrees, but most of the day she's just sitting there playing Roblox. And one day I said, like, I've put screen time on her things now. She gets an hour a day. That's all she gets. An hour on YouTube, an hour on Roblox, that's it. And occasionally she'll say, Oh, Daddy can have some more time, I'll give her another hour, but that's not. Yeah, and she knows now that right, I get this for an hour, I come home and I do that, I get this for an hour. But I want to save YouTube till bed, till before bed, which is probably not the right thing. But she's very much like me, I need stimulation to fall asleep. But she's so much better because she cannot sit there for five or six hours playing Roblox, which is just poison for the brain, it's turp. Yeah, but when they're not playing it, they're watching someone else play it, yeah. And then they're getting, I want to play it again, when's my screen time up? But how do you combat that? I had an idea from an app the other day. It's like it's an app like screen time, but the parents control. Well, they like to think that if someone runs over seven listeners might nick the idea. So it's an app. You know, like when you were a kid, your parents would have that thing on like, have you made your bed? Have you done this? Have you done that? Have you done okay, you get a star. Now stars tick sheet. Yeah. Yeah, now stars like screen time. Imagine if you had an app as a parent, you set it up, right? You've got to do your homework, you've got to do 5,000 steps, you've got to do this, do that, and there's a list that we set as parents that we need them to do. And then after they've done all that, they come to us and tick it and you check it and you press the button. And it gives them the screen time. I think that's fantastic. You've got to go out in nature once a while.

SPEAKER_01

Have you checked that that exists or not?

SPEAKER_02

I don't think it does. Does it not? I don't think it does it.

SPEAKER_01

I reckon it will do soon then.

SPEAKER_02

If it does and you're listening to it, and you've run away with it, then but like gets kids out in the open. Alright, if you come for a dog walk on a Sunday morning for an hour, you can have your screen time when you get back. Because they'll do it, because kids will do it like we used to do it for little stars. I don't got a sticker, I've got a sticker. Yeah. But now, like, screen time is the new that's the way I see things. Um but I don't think like the pe like going back to what we were talking about, parents just you feel like you're fighting a losing battle sometimes. You've got your boss on your back, you've got the car bills, you've got bills rising, you've got to pay this, you've got to pay that. Like when does it let up? When does it let up and what what can you do?

SPEAKER_01

Without sounding really fucking depressing, I don't think it ever does, mate.

SPEAKER_02

I don't think it does.

App Idea: Earned Screen Time Through Tasks

SPEAKER_01

Because I'm sure we've we've said something similar before about like something different, but the more you earn, the more you force yourself to have bigger bills, you get a bigger mortgage, you get a nicer car. Like we just live in a society where everybody just wants more all the time, no one's ever satisfied for anything. I've actually been watching, um, I've got a three-hour seminar for the next three nights if I can be bothered to attend it, because I want to earn money rather than just sit and sit home and go on on YouTube. But Tony Robbins, yeah. Do you ever watch him? Yeah, well, I little bit like an unbelievable guy, like really, really good guy, and the stuff that he comes out with is just phenomenal. Like the minute that you actually start appreciating what you've got rather than striving for everything you haven't got, is actually when things change in your life, anyway, because you just feel completely different if you're positive. So I've always said to my wife, like, people that are negative all the time they get addicted to being negative, it just becomes a thing. If you think you're crap at this, you're gonna be crap at it. If you think you're good at it, you'll get better at it. Doesn't matter whether you're good at it to start with, yeah. But we all really want everything now, and we want more and more and more. But if actually you take a step back and realise what I've got now is what I wanted a year ago, might not be because some people obviously they don't push themselves and things don't happen in their lives and whatever they might have upset or whatever, but you know, just be grateful for what you've got. Don't strive all the time. And if if you don't go out and buy the most expensive car, you won't have the most expensive bills. You know, if your car breaks down, you don't have to go and buy a brand new one, you buy a second-hand one that's not quite as new as the new one and doesn't cost as much money and it less fuel and less insurance, and you know, but we all just we live in this society where I feel like everybody just wants to have one up on the Joneses, if you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_02

But I think the biggest problem at the moment is the big corporations and the companies feel the same as we do. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They want more, they want more, the water bill wants more, the gas people want more, the energy bill wants more, the council tax want more, everybody wants more from that, which is like the things in life that you have to do, but I don't know. Like I've completely changed my sort of mind shift, and I'm trying my bet, like I said to you in that voice note, right, I've had a really ranty morning, let's not be ranty anymore today. We're gonna film the podcast, it's gonna be good. You sort of learn to switch that on and off. But like I said, like trying not to try not to watch those videos of Keir Starmer, Sadiq Khan, the people ripping the government apart, telling you how bad things are, watching the news, makes a massive difference. You've we all live in a bubble, and you can only control what you can control. You can control whether you work hard enough this month to do enough lives to make enough money.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You can control whether you want to make a tough decision and stop drinking. You can control no one else can control that. It comes from within. Thing is, when you when you do do all of that, do do that.

Cost Of Living, Holidays, And School Rules

SPEAKER_01

Do do do do um when you do do all of that, you actually achieve more than what you're setting out to achieve anyway. Because if you do, if you set yourself, sorry mate, if you set yourself a target of not drinking for a month, yeah, you automatically, once you've done it, you realise that you're much more stronger than you think you are, and you set yourself another target for something else. Because you know you can achieve targets. If you go through life and you don't ever set anything, and you just sit on the sofa and you think, nah, I'm never gonna become anything, I'm never gonna achieve anything, my life's always gonna be rubbish, I'm always never gonna be able to afford anything.

SPEAKER_02

You'll always be in that state because you're training yourself to be that person, and I think energy, it's like I said it in a previous episode, and a lot of people, and I've noticed this, your energy is everything. The energy you put out, you'll get back.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So if you're happy, like I said to you, if you're doing a live, if you're doing if someone's selling on TikTok shop and they're like, I don't know, no one's gonna buy it. If someone's all like, right, yeah, this product's even if they're bullshit, even if they're more people are gonna be attracted to that energy. And I think you've got to be got to try and get yourself out of that. If you're absorbing negative energy, you're gonna give it out. If you're trying to like cut that off, it's great though, it's sunshine. So many people I've messed this morning, you know, I feel so much better. We saw sun for the first time in two weeks. It's been nice to be fair, innit? I put the sun visor down this morning and I was like, what? And it makes a massive difference, but you've got to focus on the celebrate the small wins. Like in the Vikings thing, every morning we have to do three things we're grateful for today. Yeah. Like I said it on another episode. Try it, try it for a week. Because it's it'd be so easy to write ten things that are rubbish. It's quite difficult to find three things at the moment, yeah. And that's the mindset, and the more you do it, oh yeah, that's good. Oh, I'm grateful that my daughter got out of bed this morning.

SPEAKER_01

Little things. Yeah, it doesn't have to be big, does it? It doesn't have to be big at all. But going back to like you saying, you know, like negative and all this and that, the easiest way to look at it is go home after a day's work, walk in the door with a raging ump, see what happens. It's as simple as that. You walk in the door with a raging ump, your missus will be ump, your kids will be umpy with you. Yeah, you walk in the door and go, evening everybody, how is everybody? Even if you're not feeling like that, you can't be asked, but you had a really bad day. You walk in the front door with a smile on your face and give your wife and your kids a kiss and ask them how their day's been, their day automatically becomes better, they get in a better mood, you become better mooded, and your house becomes a happier place. And it all starts from there, mate. Yeah, it's it is as simple as that. Yeah, walk around your house with a place like a slapped off, and the house would be a slapped off.

The Mental Load Both Parents Carry

SPEAKER_02

It's as simple as that. The whole mood. Go into a business meeting, yeah, and you're not and you're do this podcast. But when we did the episode last week, I genuinely wasn't feeling it, and that came across when I listened back to the podcast. I could hear that. Yeah, I could hear it in my voice, I wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't having as much fun. But sometimes in life you've got to do the things that you've got to do, but learn from it. Learn from making the thing, and I don't think it's laziness, I don't think it's lack of motivation, I think it's our energy levels will spike and they will get lower. And I think if you can understand, I think a lot of it's understanding how the brain works. Of course it is, of course it is. And I ain't preaching to anybody, I haven't studied the brain chemicals and stuff, but I know that you can get dopamine from exercise instead of scrolling negative shit on completely different dopamine as well, yeah. Get out and go for a walk, even if it's 10 minutes, just in the fresh air, ground yourself.

SPEAKER_01

Like take your shoes off and socks off and stand in the woods and touch a tree.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. But for some people that works, it might work. Oh, I don't know why I don't know why you say that. I I do it all the time. Um I just yeah, as parents, like, there is a huge mental load daily. Like, we're talking about like obviously we want to go out to Spain as much as we possibly can and cherish my mum, cherish the life that we have with her. Um and we're looking at it and we're like right, we're gonna have to take the kids out of school for three days to be able to go on those dates because it's£1,500 for the flights if we go from the Saturday to the Saturday. If we go from the Wednesday, take them out of school for a day and a half, it's£500. It's a massive difference, but that's a mental load. My wife's saying to me, Oh, we can't really do that, we can't really their attendance is already low. And I said, Yeah, but her attendance is 60%, 69%, because she had a month off, but she just had a report, she's like P1, P1, P2 in everything, so she's either exceeding or most of the stuff she's exceeding. I've debunked it, yeah. She's there, she wants to learn those three days, aren't gonna make a difference. So now we have I'm like, no, it's fine, she's alright, and my wife's like, Oh yeah, but we can't do that because we're gonna get hacked from school, and it's like mental load battling that, and I think I'm right, and she knows that I'm right, but she's not. Yeah, and I think spending time with a family is good for the soul, of course it is, and it's good it's good for your learning anyway.

SPEAKER_01

It's great, like it's nice to have a break, but also I don't like going into that, I don't understand, right? You're allowed to take your kids out of school, yeah, as long as you get like the letter from the school or whatever, and you're allowed to homeschool your kids. Why can't you take them out of school to go on holiday and just give them a couple of days learning on holiday?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, what's the difference?

SPEAKER_01

Exactly, yeah. But what is the difference? Yeah, go on holiday and give them a£15 budget for three days.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Do you know what I mean? And and and work out how much they can spend every day, and if they spend this much, it comes off of that much. And learn life skills rather than just sitting in a c in in a classroom with a tablet anyway, nine times out of ten, yeah. You know, like that does it all for you anyway. So I just I don't I don't get it. I think it's all an absolute farce. Just wait for councils and schools to make money, mate. He's finding it, you know.

Presence Over Perfection With Your Kids

SPEAKER_02

That's it. Like, I and I said to my wife, I said, I will go to court, I will take on the mental load to go to court because I think that I'm right. And I strongly believe that if my daughter's getting the results she's getting, she's going to school most days. We obviously had that blip where she wasn't. But if as a family our decision is to take our kids out of school for three days so we can afford the flights or not waste a thousand pounds because of why not? Why are we not allowed to do that as parents? And I think that's I think that's big for people because you can't afford to go on holiday in the because it's 300% more expensive.

SPEAKER_01

It's ridiculous, isn't it? Absolutely disgusting. I didn't even realise that the school holidays were in April. I looked at a holiday to Egypt, it was a thousand pounds for the three of us.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And then I changed the dates by two weeks and it went out to three and a half grand.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's just disgusting.

SPEAKER_02

It's crazy. And I like as parents, you sort of go off on a tangent with that, but as parents, we never switch off. You're always worried, like, even more so now. I'm worried about my kids going to school. I'm worried about my extremely sensitive daughter who's eleven, getting bullied for being the brightest kid in school, getting bullied for this, and it completely Ruining who she is as a person. Yeah. Um like I worry about bills, I worry about business, I worry about my wife being happy, I worry about whether there's dinner on the table. Like it's constant, never switches off. Yeah. And I know you feel the same. Yeah, mate. I know you're the same.

SPEAKER_01

All the time, mate, all the time. And I I I think if you don't feel like that, I think it it's not a good thing anyway. I think it's quite good to feel like that because it means that you are a responsible person.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

If you just float through life and you don't think like that, I think really if you've got a family, you should always feel like that anyway, because as a man, I know we're obviously not just talking to men here, but as a man, the the weight always feels like it's on your shoulders. Even though probably it isn't as much as we think it is, um, but it is because you're the man. You know, your job is to protect and look after your family. And if if you can't look after your family and you have to have that discussion with your partner, yeah. It it it takes a part of you away that you didn't even know that you had. You know, like so there is it is always a burden, doesn't matter, and like I've said, doesn't matter how much money you earn, I'm sure, aren't we millionaires feel exactly the same?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe not quite as maybe not quite as much, but when they're on their yacht.

SPEAKER_02

It's I just think it's um yeah, I just think it's tough, and obviously we say as men, like that's how we feel. But I know my wife feels the same. She wants to make sure that she's working hard enough, she wants to make sure that there's dinner and the kids are happy and they're fed and they can go to their after-school clubs and they can have a social life, and so I think there's as much pressure if not more on the women. Like, I've got to hold my hands up here and say I love doing the school run once a week, once a month, three times a month, because the kids come out and they love me, and in the morning I get them up and I'll like make them breakfast and stuff. That's a novelty for them. I couldn't swap what I do to do that every day.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I probably could actually.

SPEAKER_02

Could you?

Energy You Bring Shapes The Home

SPEAKER_01

Well, I mean if he went into nursery without kicking the screaming, but obviously where I haven't been working like full-time hours or normal full-time hours, I've been out I love it. I love it. I love taking him to nursery in the morning, sitting in the back of the car having a little dad and little boy chat on the way to nursery, and I love picking him up, I love seeing his face and chatting to him about how he's days being in the car and going to the park or buying him some sweat. I like I just love the connection, like I really, really do enjoy it. And I um that's one thing I'm not looking forward to as as we go forward and I get very busy, is the fact that I haven't taken him to nursery for two weeks now, you know, and and he he always says, Oh daddy, will you play with me? And I'm like, Bub's just got daddy's got to work for a minute, mate. He's like, Oh yeah, oh so where do you draw the line then, do you think? Rent an office and get out of the house so he doesn't see me all the time. That's that's kind of exactly what I've done, mate. I've had to do that. Yeah, no other option. I can't walk through my house, go out into my back garden, into my studio, my office, and then come back in for a wee because he goes, Daddy, have you finished? Are you gonna play with me? And I have to say, Bubs, I'm so sorry. Daddy's still working, and to see his face and hear him go, Oh, yeah. I know that I've just broken his heart, and I've I do that on a daily basis, probably five or six times, and it breaks my heart because he's my absolute world. So that's why I've had to rent an office to get out of the house. I should be leaving the house in the morning and coming back maybe two o'clock, three o'clock, and then spending the whole afternoon with him. Yeah, yeah. Um but yeah, I I can't I can't do it. I don't know, I don't I actually don't know how people do it. I don't know how people do it. Literally, I can't, it just it kills me inside.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, but there is a fine. I mean, there's a fine line, bills have got to be paid. You've got to work, you've got to work the hours you've got to work. And the sad thing is, is now that mums and dads are having to work. Yeah, the kids are going to child minders, the kids are in nursery from a younger age than ever before. Breakfast club and dinner club, breakfast club, dinner club, but then as a kid, I was the same because my parents both worked and I used to go to an after school club, and I've got some really good memories from going to that after school club, yeah. But I remember clear as day, a lot of times I could not wait till half past five when I saw my mum coming in to get me. I couldn't wait. Summer clubs, I used to have to do summer clubs and stuff because my parents both worked professional and they didn't have that. And that's a big that's a big strain on a family as well, isn't it? It is, yeah.

Exercise, Dopamine, And Daily Habits

SPEAKER_01

I mean it affects the kids, but it must like obviously where Cruz goes to nursery, I would say probably 50% of the mums and dads all go to work at the same time, which is quite a low percentage, and and other schools are a lot higher than that. But you see it at the gates, you know, that they're ushering their kids in as quickly as they possibly can because they've got to drop their car at a train station. So I can imagine it's a complete rush in the morning to get them to nursery, get on the train, go up to London, go to work, whatever. They probably don't come back nine times out of ten, they have nannies and stuff, pick them up from nursery and stuff. So they probably don't get back from London until six, seven o'clock in the evening. They're spending tiny amounts of time. That's that's a good life for some people. Some people have children to have a career and they want to provide for their children, and and that's fine, but for me, I I just don't know how people do it. Yeah, you know, like Cruz Cruz Cruz has the relationship with us that is amazing. Alright, don't get me wrong, he tells me that he doesn't want to be my best friend quite a lot because that's when I'm telling him off. But you can see the difference between the relationship that we've got with him than he's got than his friends have got with his parents, you know. They're off you go and he's straight, they're straight into nursery, they they kind of just walk off and they don't even say goodbye to their parents properly and stuff like that. Whereas Cruz is so like appreciative of his mum and dad that are always there for him. Yeah, that's why he's got this massive adversion to going to nursery because he loves spending time at home with mummy and daddy. Yeah, he doesn't want to go to nursery, he doesn't want to leave the safety of his house where he's constantly got somebody to play with him, whether it's me or my missus, do you know what I mean? Yeah, um, but I I just don't know how people do it. Like, I I can't, I just couldn't. Now I've been at home, I just couldn't do that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Couldn't do it, but you didn't have a choice before. Yeah, that's the thing, you didn't have a choice, and there are a lot of parents that don't have a choice. And I think the problem is, is like I used to do it, being present, okay? So I think it's quite a big thing. We need to try and be present. We need to try and be present with our kids when we are with them. If you've got to go to work, try and leave work at work. Obviously, if you run a business, it's a little bit more difficult. But if you can't, there's things you need to change within your business, so you can.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, I think being present, I just went to Spain, I was present, like for the first time at, I was present. I wasn't checking the emails every five minutes, I wasn't stressing, I wasn't the screen time, it was literally ridiculous. I was there with my mum, going out for dinner, having nice meals, doing some jobs around the house. But I felt present and I feel good for it.

SPEAKER_01

Who was it we had in? I can't remember it was you had in someone said that they get home from oh, I know I know that Charlie Charlie Cook used to do it, didn't he? He used to get home from from work one day, one day a week he'd have off, didn't he? And he just put his phone in his drawer and he shut the drawer and left it in there all day without even touching it. Just little things like coming home from work and turning your phone off for an hour or two, just giving your kids your full attention. Yeah. Like you'll know, like all a kid wants, I remember when I was a kid, all I wanted was my my mum and dad's attention, you know. As all a kid wants is their parents just to be present with them, you know, to spend half an hour playing. But even if it's half an hour, the the the endorphins that your kid will get from playtime with mummy and daddy if they don't particularly spend much time with them will be phenomenal. And for their their own personal growth, that's what you want. You want them to feel like they their mum and dads want to play with them. If you're constantly sitting on your phone, I I'm and I'm not preaching here, I'm guilty of this massively. Yeah, I'm constantly on my phone at home because A, I work on my phone, but also where I'm social media, I'm constantly looking at social media as well, so I'm really bad for it. And I look at Crew sometimes and I can see him look at me, and he he realises that I'm on my phone and he looks away. That's when the phone goes off and it goes on the side of the sofa, and I get on my hands and knees and play on the floor with him because I think to myself, the thought process that must be going on in his head, that's more important than I am. My daddy's phone is more important than I am. If it fucking breaks my heart.

Setting Targets And Building Confidence

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, but it's very it's true. It's true. I think we're all guilty of it. If you'll listen to this and you're not guilty of it, then tell us. Bet you can't. But and I think even like you said, even an hour, even an hour a day where that phone is just not there, yeah. I don't have the only notifications I have on my phone is when someone phones me, someone message me or WhatsApp me. Yeah, no other notifications, Instagram, TikTok, no social notifications. Because I used to be, oh notification.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Notification. And it stops you what you're doing. Whereas if someone phones is important, if someone WhatsApp is like, but you can now I can leave that. No, I'm busy, you can wait. And a lot of the things in life that you think are important aren't. No, that is important, like giving your kids your full attention, even if it's for ten minutes, yeah. And I think and it makes you feel better. Of course it does. My kids, I can go home and have the worst day in the world, and they will cheer me up. One way or another, they'll cheer me up, whether it's because they're being arseholes or something.

SPEAKER_01

Well, there is there is a scientifically proven thing. I I'm not gonna go into science because I don't know the exact thing behind it, but a dad and a son, if they play rough before bed, both of those, the adult and the child get something from that, it releases something in their body. The child sleeps better, um, and the dad just feels like a fulfilled dad, even if it's for 10 minutes a night. The mum hates it because they think you're charging that kid's brain up and they're going to be an absolute nightmare. But actually, there is a chemical that got reaction that goes on in their bodies that is actually a very positive thing. And uh and a child with the mum, when they when they do certain things with the mum, it releases certain chemicals again, safety chemicals, things like that. Like, and it and you know, it's just this is why it's really important to do it with your kids, whether whether you're not you're a very maternal person or not, but it does benefit your kids in the long run because it will make them a good parent. If you're if you're constantly, I feel like really going hard on people that don't like spend time with their kids, that's not what I'm trying to do here, but I I'm I'm more conscious of what I am doing with Cruz because I've had I've got two boys from a previous relationship that I don't have a very good relationship with them, you know, like because I didn't have that relationship when I was younger with them. And you want to teach your kids to be good people and good parents when they're older. That's like my main role now is to make Cruz a good dad, good, a good dad. I want him to be everything that I want to be for him, yeah. So just little cuddles, tell them that you love them, like reassure them, tell them you're proud of them, and like honestly, it just seeing looks in your eyes, kids when you tell tell them things like that, it's it's unbelievable. It makes you feel quite emotional talking about it, to be fair.

Role Modelling Work And Resilience

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it and it and it's I've seen this a lot recently. Obviously, m my algorithms are showing me dead dad club stuff, um and it is true, your dad is nine times out of ten the only person in the world that wishes you were more successful than him, and if he doesn't, yeah, it kind of says a lot, doesn't it? Yeah, and that and yeah, just think and you've got to be the role model to your kids, and we've gone off with we're sort of this is about kids, but this is the way the conversation is going because it is really important. We've both got kids, listeners have got kids. Now we're not preaching to you to quit your job and stay at home.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no, no, not at all. Listen, some people have big mortgages and they have bills and they have to work, like it's it's different strokes for different folks, but you can all give time to your kids, can't you? You can always give that love.

SPEAKER_02

Make it, make it, yeah, get rid of one thing, get rid of one bad habit to get a new habit. Um, like if you like Harvey's just started, he went to a boxing gym, and the coach is like, mate, you're really good. I want to give you all my time and effort. Will you give me all your time and effort? He's like, Yeah, okay. So I'll go to the boxing gym with him just to see because he's good. And I told him, I went to boxing. The reason this has come about is because I said to him, Right, come on, you're coming to boxing with me. I need a sparring partner, you'll come before everything happened. I was going to boxing twice a week. And he came with me. I was like, Fucking hell, you're actually really good at this. I was like, I don't want to be punched by you. He said, Dad, you're so slow, come on, dad, get it done. And that built a bond between me and him, but that then forced him to say, guy, and I know he's good, so I can now back him. He says, Oh Dad, I need some wraps, Dad, I need some boots. This guy really wants me to, and I'll go and see him and make sure it's legit. Um, and that's from doing something with him.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Anything. My daughter now, every Thursday night, we're going on a walk together for half hour, an hour, whatever. That's bonding time between me and her. That's time I'm not sitting on the sofa, I'm getting steps in, she's getting steps in, and it's an hour. You got however many hours in the day, however many I don't know how many of the day.

SPEAKER_01

She'll remember the hour years to come.

Bonding Rituals And Lasting Memories

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. That's it. She'll remember that. She'll remember the walk we went on the other week where we had to walk up the downs because the road was she'll remember Dad, you remember when you and they're like memories, memories with your mum and your dad. And they're they mean more than a new laboo-boo. They mean in the long run, you might not feel it now, but having that, doing that stuff, and I think it's difficult for parents because when the weather's been like it has been, you think we can't do that, we can't go jumping fun, we can't go to trampoline park because it's cost a hundred pounds for a couple of hours. But my kids and my wife, the other day, they're on FaceTime too, and when I was in Spain, they're making cinnamon rolls, and they're so happy. My seven-year-old daughter's happy, my 11, they're all bonding. Thanks for bringing one in, mate. Well, I didn't get one, did I? Do you know what I mean? I think there's and I've said this before and I believe in it. We all set ourselves, like, don't go away from this episode and be like, oh fuck, I've got to spend this, this, I've got to do this, I've got to do that, I've got just no. Just even if it's ten minutes, if it's ten minutes today and ten minutes tomorrow, and change the habits.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Do you know what I actually do? I explain, even though he's he's he's four this week, next week, I explain to him so much what I'm doing at all the times he understands. Yeah. I'm sorry, mate, like daddy's daddy's working, this is what daddy's got to go and do, and then once I've done that, I'll come back in. Like, just little things like that. I feel like such a difference to him, and he's only four, so I mean, yeah, four-year-olds don't listen, you know, nine times out of ten, he's looking out of one eye or he's picking his nose or something, you know. It's going like this, yeah. But some of it's going this way. But it makes me feel good because it makes me feel like I'm I'm I'm being a good parent by allowing him to kind of try and understand what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, that he's working really hard because I'm trying to better our lives, I'm trying to make sure that we're not struggling in the future and blah blah blah. Um, you know, and I don't know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but yes, I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I think it's important for your kids to see you working. Yeah, I think that's important because they need to grow up, especially with the society the way it is at the moment. Kids need to grow up, and kids will always look up to their parents. If their parents are this and doing this and doing that, the chances are the kids are gonna do this and do that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

If the parents are doing this and that, the chances are the kids they will follow in your footsteps.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So you've got to be the best role model. Obviously, sometimes things are hard and things slip and you snap at your kids and you you physically, you're mentally you're not there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But we've got to Harvey, take Harvey. I've said this before. When he was four, he was a troubled young lad. I was I was um the stepdad. I was the he had everything in his head. My dad said to me, never ever give up. Never ever give up on him. He's gonna put you through hell. We get phone calls from the school, he smashed the window, he's done this, he's done that. He was rebelling because he didn't want to be there. Now he's 17. He's a lovely lad. He's coming in at work, he's just passed his test, he's done this, he's like he's a lovely lad because we didn't give up. We gave him the time of day, yeah, and I think that's a big thing. A lot of parents will check out, as sad as that sounds, a lot of parents will check out. Yeah, a lot of parents, and I think it's important not to. They're your kids. Remember why you had kids in the first place. They didn't chose, they didn't chose, they didn't choose to be born. Yeah, and I think that's and that's a bit deep, it's a bit dark, but true though, isn't it? It's true, it is true.

SPEAKER_01

You have to take responsibility as a parent. And I feel whether or not it works is working out well or not.

Responsibility, Persistence, And Showing Up

SPEAKER_02

The weight of the world, this is another thing. I have I tried to explain it to my wife the other day. The weight of the world is on my shoulders because I know how difficult it is being a grown-up with kids. I know how difficult it is to live a nice life, yeah. And not even a nice life, but a life where you've not got to worry, a life where you're not worried about bailiffs coming to the door, doing that, making the right decisions. And I just want them to look at me and say, he's doing the best he can.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's all you want, isn't it? That's all you want, that's all you want as a man in any bit of life, really. You just want people to look at you and re and say, Yeah, he's doing exactly what he needs to do. Like, you want your kids to say, I'm really proud of my dad. Yeah. And you want your missus to feel like that as well, you know?

SPEAKER_02

Like that's the nicest thing in the world. Yeah. Nicest thing in the world. Yeah. I've got when we were out in Spain last, my daughter was Daddy, Daddy, come here quick. I've done you a drawing. I don't know if I told you this. It was a medal, number one dad, on it, and it literally, like straight away, I felt incredible. Yeah, I felt so good, and I think that's changed massively in the last sort of six to eight months. Yeah. Because I am trying to be more present with them. I try and leave work at work. There are certain things that don't matter, they can be dealt with tomorrow, but you don't know how long you have left.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You don't. Yeah, but it's true. It's true, it's true. And obviously, we when we started this episode, it was about it was gonna go. So we got completely off tangent again, aren't we? It was yeah, we have, we have, but that's an honest conversation. That's what this is about. Aimed at mums and dads that are fucking trying their best and just feel like they're not moving forward. Yeah. You are moving forward. Celebrate the little wins. Celebrate the fact that you've that celebrate the fact your kids are healthy. They're good kids, they go to school, they're not little rogue bastards. Might be. Well, they might be, but celebrate that. Learn how to deal with that because that's them rebelling against something. If you're struggling and you don't want to get out of bed in the morning, realize that something's gotta change. Yeah. Um, if as long as you're having more good days than bad days at the moment, I'd say you're winning. Get out, do some steps.

SPEAKER_01

Mate, I I'll I'll be I'll I'll be honest with you, like the last I just said to you a minute ago, didn't I? Obviously, I haven't drunk for 28 days. Not putting that out there again, but 28 days about a drink. Um I haven't drunk for 28 days, and I've been to the gym for the last two and a half weeks, and I feel phenomenal. I've cut out all the crap food. I'm drinking uh a huel for my breakfast and lunch at the same time. So I'll have 11 o'clock, I have that. I have a full meal in the evening, I'm drinking shite loads of water. I feel phenomenal inside and mentally I feel so much more alert, so much more ready to take the day on. I go to the gym at half eight in the morning and I'm finished at half nine, and at half nine, my brain is wired, it's ready to go for the day.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

Gratitude, Sunlight, And Mood Shifts

SPEAKER_01

And before Anne, I'd get up in the morning, I'd take Cruise to nursery if I could be bothered again, you know, not putting the time in as a dad, but I'm at home, so why wouldn't I do that? She'd take him to nursery, I'd sit on the sofa, have a couple of slices of toast to go, oh, I like that, I'll go and have another couple of slices of toast, make myself another coffee, I'd sit there and watch a load of crap on the TV, procrastinate all day, get nothing done, and then I'd feel like crap in the evening because I've done nothing. But now, actually, because I'm exercising, because I'm not eating rubbish, and because I'm being fairly clean and hydrating myself properly, the five hours that I'm in bed for at night, I'm sleeping for four hours and fifty-five minutes of it. Yeah, you know, so it is it if you're not somebody that really looks after yourself, first of all, maybe have a little look at that because it does make it.

SPEAKER_02

Well, that's quite interesting. What you've just said there is by changing one thing in your life, everything else falls into the street. Yeah, of course it does. Yeah, that's by going to the gym, you're now you don't want to eat shit. Wow, you don't want to drink booze because you're starting to see the and your cognitive function and your endorphins and whatever the chemicals are are flowing, and it's amazing.

SPEAKER_01

Exercise is amazing, and then you give yourself a sense of pride, yeah, because you're achieving. I said it earlier on in the podcast, like you know, you you do one thing and you achieve it, and then it's easier to achieve something else because you know that you're achieving something, you know. Oh, I've done that this month. That probably means that if I start let's set a target to do it next month, I'll be able to do that one as well. And then the endorphins flow because someone says, Chris, are we going to the gym, mate? You lost a bit of weight. You didn't say that when I turned up earlier on. That's why you had a t-shirt on as well.

SPEAKER_02

What water retention rates?

SPEAKER_01

What's yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_02

But I think, yeah, that's that's like if anybody takes it, that's the we've rambled about kids, which wasn't the intention, but it's an important thing. It's an important thing. But that what you just said is you've done this and it's changed this, this, this, and this. It's got a knock on effect. Knock on effect for everything. You change that, and then you want to spend more time with your kids because you're not as aggy because you've done a bit of movement and the chemicals are flowing. Um we're not perfect, Chris. I'm far from it, mate. By any means, but we're trying. Trying.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I think the the the journey we said season three, right, season two was mental health. Season three, where are we gonna go with this? And it's accountability. It's hopefully people will learn and oh actually, yeah, let's try that. It'd be interesting for people to say, right? I did actually, I went to the gym, I went twice a week, and it made me feel good. And I changed the I right, okay. I'm not gonna watch that on telly, I'm gonna use that hour to go to the gym. Yeah, and then this happened, this happened, this happened. And I think it's the same in business as well. Yeah, you do one thing and energy, try and cut out that. Try and change your doom scrolling. Even if you watch a documentary or you watch something, what I do is I sit there and I watch something and I'm like this and I'm not watching that, and I'm not paying attention to that, and you'll be I think it's dangerous, but we'll talk about that another day. Yeah, so yeah. Is it? Well, I don't know. You got anything else to say?

SPEAKER_01

Um I like the sun.

SPEAKER_02

I like the sun as well very much.

Season Theme: Accountability And Action

SPEAKER_01

I can't believe it's nearly February, and we're gonna be soon away from the dreary old shite. Yeah, I must admit, the sun being out today, mate, it does make a massive difference. I'm in a t-shirt. Yeah, yeah. I haven't worn a t-shirt for ages. Alright, I've got a G loan over the top, but I only put it on because it's podcast merch.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But yeah, it makes a big difference for your mental health as well, doesn't it? It makes you feel so much better. And then it all just spirals out again, you know. Again, it goes back to that thing. The sun's out, you feel better, you feel better, you make everybody else around you feel better. You might even walk down the street and go, Morning. Yeah, you wouldn't have done that two days ago, and it's pissed in raining horrible.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. No, and that's like the sun is a massive thing. It's a massive thing. Um why do you think everyone moves abroad? Well, this is it. This is it. When I flew in last night, yesterday afternoon. That was great, wasn't it? It was just sun, sun, sun, sun, sun. Oh, there's the UK clouds. I've got I did some videos on my phone, I'll send it to you. Just the clouds, they looked awesome. They looked fucking insane, but until you're underneath them. Yeah, until you I've got I've got done a time lapse going out under the club.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it looks like a fluffy club when you're above it, and then when you go below it, it just looks like literally looked like I could jump out of the plane and walk on it.

SPEAKER_02

They were that thick. Yeah, um, I yeah, you're not a lazy parent, I'm not a lazy parent, you're not a lazy parent. We're just fucking overloaded at the moment, and I think this podcast, let's try and strip it out, let's try and help people and help each other and go forward with that, yeah ma'am, and we'll try and get some structure to the episodes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, that's my thought.

SPEAKER_02

That is, I went deep on the kids there because Yeah, but it's it's a conversation, isn't it? Yeah, it's a conversation. When we did kids last time, that was one of our best listen to episodes talking about kids. Because I think it's massive for everybody. Like our kids are our world. I would do anything for my kids. Anything in the world I will do for them, and I try the reason I do what I do is for them. That's it. That's the reason I do what I do, that's the reason I get up every day, even when I don't want to. Yeah, because I want to provide for my kids the same, if not more, of what I've had.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I'd quite like to leave a legacy as well.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I would quite like to leave a legacy.

SPEAKER_01

I quite I quite I quite believe in um family legacies.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Nice to be spoken about by your family when you're not here anymore, just like your dad. You know, you speak you speak him like you speak very highly a living man. That's actually that's what you want from your kids, isn't it?

Legacy, Pride, And Closing Reflections

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's it. That's it. So without further ado, that's been another episode of the Untold Podcast.

SPEAKER_01

I've been Chris, and I've been Ash.

SPEAKER_02

We hope you enjoyed it. Farewell, we'll see you next week.