Episode 154 - Projection Seeing Ourselves in Others

After a break, it’s easy to feel lost in the chaos of life. The world can drown out your inner voice, but returning to daily Torah practices is your anchor. When you step away, it’s like losing sight of what truly matters.  

🔍 In our latest episode, we discuss the importance of staying connected to your spiritual roots. **Here’s why it matters:**  
1. **Emuna** is your foundation. Without it, nothing else holds up.  
2. Seek guidance from those who inspire you.  
3. Engage in soul-searching and honest reflection.  
4. Internalize your learnings by verbalizing them aloud.  
5. Recognize that every challenge is an opportunity for growth.  

Life is a roller coaster; it ebbs and flows. The key? Stay grounded, keep learning, and always strive for connection.  

Let’s embrace the process together. What’s your method for staying centered?  

Transcript

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When the things that they do are bothering you, it's because it's a reflection of who you really are. If it wasn't who you are, if you couldn't identify with that behavior, then it wouldn't bother you because you can't connect. There's no mental or intellectual connection to that type of behavior. You don't understand it. It doesn't compute. It computes and it bothers you when you can understand it. It's a mirror. It's called projection. I'm seeing my faults and them, and it bothers me so much, but I don't want to deal with it with me. So the easier way to do it is to deal with it through somebody else who's going to have the negative implication of having to be told that they're behaving badly. Your wife is your mirror. The trust factor is a ticket to a better life. The trust factor shows you how to get through the life. It seems like it's been too long because the world is a crazy, crazy place. And you can't wait to get back to a little bit of normalcy. We need that break, but that break actually exposes us to the craziness of the world. When you're not involved and immersed in Torah on a daily basis, you get to see the craziness that's out there. And we get to come back to this beautiful thing called Torah and this unbelievable wisdom that grounds you, that blocks out the noise. This is the stuff that replenishes and revitalizes your soul. So it's good to be back. We had a bit of a break. July 1st was Canada Day. Then we had the 4th of July, which was the 250th birthday of America. That's a huge, huge number. And there were celebrations all over the world. We had a little bit of time off, but we're back. We're back, and we're going to get back into it, thank God, because this is the stuff that really fulfills you. When you're devoid of this, and you know this, if you've ever taken an extended break from Torah, when you're devoid of your daily Torah routine, boy, does your Nishama feel it. Everything around you just doesn't jive. Things don't connect, things don't work out. You don't necessarily see it clear as day that one plus one is not equaling two anymore. But that's what's happening. It's happening in a way that just your life is disconnected and you're exposed to the things that are the opposite of Torah. Remember, I told you the other day in Torah and Judaism, you're either growing, you're either going forward or you're going backwards. There's no stopping. So when you take a break, it says, Imta azvediom is veka yomaim, or yomaim is veka, which means if you leave me for a day, I will leave you for two. It's a warning to say, do not leave your Torah, because as soon as you leave, if you leave for one day, it will have the impact as if you've left for two. It will feel that much harder. So you got to get back into it. Take a small break, get right back into it. Life ebbs and flows, it's a roller coaster. But this is the stuff that feeds you in a shamma. This is the stuff that gives you a long life and removes all of the craziness that's in this world that causes you stress, that causes you the anxiety, that brings you down. This is your antidote. Let's get back into it, right back into it, full force. We were talking about an individual who is devoid of Torah and devoid of emuna. Maybe he even has some. Maybe he's been working on himself, but it's not enough. And it's not with the right instruction. And he's diluting himself to think he's doing it correctly, but he really isn't. He's just doing it to make himself feel good. And he finds himself in a situation where he's being kicked out of the house or he's being kicked out of his bed. He's estranged now from his wife and children, and now he has to figure out what he's done wrong to get back into the house before it ends in the ultimate divorce, which is the common practice today, unfortunately. If we want to get back in, how do we get back in? We've laid out a five-step process of getting back in. We've gotten up to number four right now. This is step by step, word for word, the recipe to follow. You don't have to think. If you're not sure the words to come up with, we're about to give them to you. Ravshalam Arush, who's dealt with many, many thousands of couples over the years and has helped save thousands of marriages, is going to give you the recipe to use in your life. You don't have to work too hard, but you need to internalize this. You need to make it real, which was number four. Let's remind everybody. Number one, emuna. It's a non-starter. If you don't have it, forget about it, right? That the whole conversation's pointless. The knowledge that there's a creator who loves you, who runs your life, who does everything for your best. And he is the reason why she chose to remove you from the house because he saw the toxicity. He understood that you weren't behaving in a way that was becoming. Out. Remove yourself, distance yourself from the situation. That is what will give you the clarity and the time to do what? Number two, which is to learn. Find yourself a qualified rabbi, sit with them and understand what did I do wrong? What do I need to do better? Where do I need to improve? That's number two. What's number three is soul searching and repentance. Talk to the big boss. I know now what I've done wrong, but I can't fix it without you. I'm a human being. I'm flesh and blood. I'm full of mistakes. I've been around for 30, 40, 50, 60 years. And the longer I go doing these things and behaving a way that runs counter to Torah and destroying everything around me, the harder it is for me to return, to change it back to the way it should be. I can't do it on my own, but it is possible. And so therefore, Hashem, I need your help. That was number three. What's number four? How do you internalize it? One of the ways I mentioned was externalizing it, making it real by saying it out loud. It's critically important that you use your words and that your ears hear your lips. Once that happens, it becomes real. And the more you say it, the more you realize what you're actually doing. It becomes more real in your life. So verbalize it in order to internalize it. That's number one. What's the other ways? It says that we review the points. We review the information that we've learned on a regular basis. We make it real. It's not that we sat down for 15 minutes and we learned and we moved on, and within 15 minutes, we've forgotten what we've learned. This isn't grade school. It's not high school, it's not university. You're not trying to pass an exam. This is stuff that needs to be internalized. And so one of the terms that this generation likes to use is called locking in. Internalization means locking in. Focus on what it is that you're trying to learn and make it real. And the more you're able to block out the noise of everybody else around you, the more you're going to be able to internalize it. I was talking about this yesterday with my wife and different people's abilities to learn and to focus on their learning. A lot of people are terrified of the idea of just hyper-focusing on something because it leaves room for their mind to wander potentially. There's too much quiet. I'm too zoomed in on one idea. I need constant distractions. So I'm constantly looking for something else to interrupt, to distract, so that I've got multiple things going on so that my brain isn't left to think. Not a good place to be. Somebody who wants to really internalize their situation in their life needs to lock in and be a hundred percent laser focused on whatever it is that they're learning. If you're sitting with somebody who's giving you Torah, you lock out the rest of the world. If you're listening to something that's recording and somebody starts talking to you about something and you need to address that, then you pause it and you address it and you come right back. In a perfect world, you don't even address it. You tell them I'm in the middle of something very important. This is critical. Do not interrupt my learning. This is the stuff that's going to build me up. You and all the other people who want a piece of me can wait. You can wait patiently while I grow and while I make my life the best that it can be. And then if I have time, I'll come and address your problems. But if you're not able to, not everything you're able to push off, you pause, you deal with it, you come right back, and you get laser focused again. Internalize the message. That means lock in and focus on what it is that you're learning. Don't give somebody 50, 60, 70, or even 90% of your attention when it's important, when it's critical for your success in your life, you give 100%, not 1% less. Now he even gives you the prayer. This is the prayer for the husband. If you're out there, and God forbid you find yourself in this situation, and now you need to use your words to connect back to your creator, he's giving you the words. Take note, save this, make a mark. This is where you come back to if you want to remember what to say. And he says like this: it's quite long, so bear with me. Creator of the world, master of the universe, thank you for removing me from my home and giving me the opportunity to correct my mistakes. Do you understand how you just started? You just started by acknowledging that being removed from your house was a good thing. And that it was at his hands, the one who loves you and gave you life, gave you a family, gives you the opportunity, pumps your heart, pumps your lungs. That same God was number one the one, thank you, because you were the one. But number two, it's a good thing, thank you for removing me so that now I can correct my mistakes. It's the opposite of secular society. The opposite. You walk away miserable, you walk away blaming everybody, you're the victim, it's everybody else's fault. It's the worst thing that could possibly happen. It's literally the reciprocal of what we just said. That's humanity. It's 95%, 98% of humanity walks around like that the other way around, opposite the Torah. That's why it falls apart and fades in minutes. Doesn't take much to destroy what people have spent a lifetime building. Why? Because they don't know how to address the situation. This is how you do it. That opening line tells you everything about what's about to come. Please, God, help me to stand up to the tests in my home. You've taught me that it's forbidden to make any comments to my wife, but I find it so hard to fulfill this. Again, these are tests. I'm acknowledging, I'm reminding myself that these are tests, that life is a big series of tests. And this is but one of those tests. But it's difficult, and I need help. All of the things that he's saying over here are the recipe for success. And it's everything we've been talking about. I can't do this on my own. It's difficult. I've tried. Every time I see my wife making mistakes or doing anything that I don't like, my heart fills with arrogance. And I want to tell her what she's doing wrong. I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I need to be the one telling everybody what they're doing wrong. And this makes me feel superior. Admission. Say it out loud. I never thought I would want to feel like that with my wife or my child. But look, clearly I'm doing it. Why? Because it makes me feel superior. Even if it's not front and center in your mind, even if you're not walking around with your chest puffed out thinking I'm the guy, there is an element of superiority. Acknowledge that. That's part of the healing. This makes me feel that I am better than her. I behave cruelly and make unfair comments to her. Sometimes I do this without even realizing until now, I've always justified myself that it's correct to make these comments to her. I recognize that I am the problem. I even though I can't put my finger exactly on circumstances, I recognize that this is exactly what's happening. I know somewhere deep down that this is really what's going on. And that's why I find myself in this situation. Please, merciful King, have mercy on me and on my wife and on my children. And grant me wisdom and understanding to know that comments only destroy and that they don't fix anything. Help me to realize that every comment that I make to my wife is an insult that deeply hurts her, and that what I am doing is destroying her self-confidence and positive self-image. Women are very sensitive to their own self-confidence and their self-image. It is critically important to them. Guys, this isn't rocket science. Just look at what drives women. Look at the you go online, see what women post versus what men post. Obviously, there's going to be a lot of crossover, but by and large, women are focused on a self-image, on beauty. Why do you think the number one industry is beauty and makeup and healthcare for women? They love that. They could be in the worst position in the world. There could be a depression, never mind the recession. And that industry will still flourish. Women do not give up on their self-image. It is their number one priority in most cases. And every time you chip away at it, you are destroying the number one thing that's important to her. It doesn't mean that they're necessarily vain, but that's a woman's role is to beautify herself for herself and for her family. And so if you're chewing away at that, both the external and the internal beauty, then you're destroying her positive self-image. My comments bring her to tears, and we fight and argue. This destroys the peace in our home, which hurts the children too. It hurts the entire family, my friend. It's very straightforward. Please, creator the world, have mercy on me and give me the spiritual and mental strength not to make any comments to my wife about anything ever. Obviously, a very difficult thing to do. But you have to strive for it. You have to search and be able to get to a point where this never happens. If you fail, you try again, but recognize that you failed. Help me understand and remember that my wife is my mirror. And that any shortcomings that I see in her are really mine. Do you know that that is a very big idea in psychology? Much of psychology 101 comes from the Torah. And this is but another example. That she is our mirror is a thing in psychology, I believe it's called projection, where you are constantly seeing your faults in the people around you. When you insult them, when the things that they do are bothering you, it's because it's a reflection of who you really are. That's why it irks you. If it wasn't who you are, if you couldn't identify with that behavior, then it wouldn't bother you. It wouldn't affect you at all because you can't connect. There's no emotional, there's no mental or intellectual connection to that type of behavior. So for you, it's like, I don't understand it. I don't even get to it. Doesn't never mind bothered me. Why would it bother me? I don't understand it. It doesn't compute. It computes and it bothers you when you can understand it, when you can identify with it. So that's why it's a mirror. It's called projection. I'm seeing my faults in them, and it bothers me so much, but I don't want to deal with it with me. So the easier way to do it is to deal with it through somebody else, to a third party who's going to take the hit, who's going to have the negative implication of having to be told that they're behaving badly. I don't want to feel that way. So I'll put it onto somebody else. Your wife is your mirror. What you see bad in her is your problem. You need to fix it. Help me to realize that even the things that she really does need to change won't be changed through my comments and my rebukes, but only by me giving her more honor and love. It's not your job to fix your wife. It's not your job to repair her. She's a grown adult. Your children is a different story. It's your job to build them up and to mold them and to discipline them. It's not your job to do that with your wife. She's your wife. She is your equal. You have to look at her as your equal or even as a superior being to you. So somebody you could strive to. That's one way to realize that you are in no position to put her down. You have to be able to lift her up on a regular basis. Very, very important. Help me to identify the root of the problem in myself and pray to you to help me fix it. Help me believe that the more love I give to my wife, the more that I honor her, the more she'll change for the good, but only when I refrain from making these comments. Help me praise her constantly and sincerely speak to her in the words of love more and more. And finally, and we'll finish with this. Please help me to overcome my evil inclination because that's what's driving this, my friends. It's your evil inclination that is driving you to do these ridiculous things and to behave badly. And we need to overcome them, and it's not easy. That's why we need help. I need you to help me to overcome my evil inclination, to comment and to criticize. Please help me to rid myself of this cruel trait of seeing my wife's shortcomings and mistakes and commenting to her about them. Help me see all the good that she does. Remember what I told you the other day. If they're close by, it helps to look at them. Watch them actively working in the house. Watch them actively raising your children. Watch them actively on a daily basis to see what they do, and then you'll get an appreciation for just how much of your life they're busy managing. Help me to sincerely value her, to honor her, to support her, and to praise her. Let me prefer to throw myself into a fiery furnace rather than shame my wife. In this manner, he should pray for all of the fundamental points, for without them there cannot be peace at home. When you're ready to trade your life for your wife's honor, there is no marriage on planet Earth that can not withstand that. If you're ready to give it all up for your wife's honor, she will be by your side every single day of your life until your dying day, making sure that you are whole and complete and happy. And the opposite is true. If you're not concerned, if it's your life that trumps hers every time, then my friend, you're going to find yourself in this situation. Tomorrow, we're going to get into a concept that we don't want to know about called divorce. What do you do if you're in it? What do you do if you're on your way? In both situations, there is an answer. Have an amazing day. Have a positive and uplifting day, my friends, and we'll chat again tomorrow. Thank you for spending time with us on the Trust Factor Podcast. If you've heard something today that moved you, save this episode and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss upcoming conversations that challenge, empower, and uplift. And if you're on social media, connect with us. Leave your thoughts. Drop a quote that resonated with you. Hashtag the TrustFactor Podcast. Until next time, keep growing in your trust and keep living with purpose. I'm Jesse Revivo, and this has been the Trust Factor Podcast. Thanks for listening.