Episode 155 - Divorce A Weapon, Not a Solution

When marriages hit a rough patch, what’s the first thing you should do? 

 Tag someone who needs to hear this! 

Patience is key. Many think that fixing a relationship is a matter of pushing for change, but it's more about personal growth. It’s crucial to work on yourself first and allow your partner to see these changes in their own time. 

Remember, it’s not about demanding to be let back into their lives; it’s about showing through your actions that you’ve evolved. 

Good relationships require effort, and sometimes, the hardest work is waiting and being supportive from a distance. When the time is right, everything will fall into place. 

What’s your experience with patience in relationships? 

#thetrustfactorpodcast #relationshipadvice #personalgrowth #MarriageMatters #patienceisavirtue #jewishpodcasts

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Divorce, that word shouldn't be on your lips ever. If you're married, it shouldn't be in your mind, it shouldn't be in your mouth, it should be nowhere in your being. That marriage is supposed to last your lifetime and their lifetime. Today, people use it as a threat, as a weapon, constantly reminding their spouse that they're about to divorce them. Oh my God, could you imagine? What an existence day to day, having to hear it from the person who's supposed to be closest to you, the person you're supposed to rely on, and that's supposed to rely on you. Your teammate, your partner in life is constantly threatening you. That we're done. Divorce. I'm going to my lawyer every other month. They're serving them with papers, then they throw them in the garbage. They've got the lawyer on speed dial. It's a toxic relationship. The trust factor is a ticket to a bad life. The trust factor shows you how to get through life. Good morning and welcome to another episode of the Trust Factor Podcast. Glad you can join. We're about to get into a discussion that is all too familiar for a lot of people these days. I want to clarify: if you're in your 40s, 50s, and 60s and you've been in a long-term marriage, this still applies to you. If you're 20 or 25 and you haven't been married yet, pay close attention. And everywhere along the spectrum of life, you have to learn these ideas because if you can apply them to your relationships, wonderful. If you can't because they don't equate, you're not married or you're already divorced, there is still so much to learn from this because you don't know what tomorrow brings. You have no idea if you're going to get remarried, when you're going to get remarried, if you're going to get married in the first place. You've no idea. These are character-building traits, and you can apply these ideas to other aspects of your life, not just marriage, all kinds of relationships, depending on where on the scale of importance that relationship falls. Obviously, the number one most important relationship for any individual is that with their spouse. You build a life together, you have children together, you have in-laws, you have real estate, you have investments, you share so much in common after a while that you're so heavily invested, it's clearly your number one relationship. A lot of people don't realize that and they take it for granted. And if you're treating your marriage like you're treating any other relationship, then you need to reevaluate your relationships and understand that not all relationships are equal. And that clearly, by far, the most important one should be that of your spouse. And if it isn't, it's a good indication as to why your relationship is on the rocks. Let's summarize this concept we've been talking about right now with the fifth and the last step in this five-step process of how to get back in, how to make things good again. The last one is waiting. Have patience. Don't push something that isn't ready. When the time is ripe, he will make sure that everything works out and that you're back in the home. Let's read it from the book and discuss. It says that the exiled husband should work on the above four stages, the previous ones we talked about, the Muna, learning, introspection, making it real, saying it out loud, asking for help. We talked about that. The last one is when you've done all that. When you've made all those efforts, wait, stop. It's not according to your schedule. It's not when you feel the time is right. It's not when you think you've made enough progress. Now she should see all of these changes that you've made, and she should allow you back in, and everything should be fine again, and you should start with the clean slate. It doesn't work like that. You have to work on you, and the rest is up to him. He will decide, just like he decided, that it was time for her to have her eyes opened to the toxicity in the relationship and to have you removed from the situation. In the same way, he's going to decide now this individual has worked on himself enough. He's gotten to a place where you can allow him back in. So take your time and do what's right. Build yourself. So he says that you should wait, and in the meanwhile, you should do whatever you can for your wife without expecting any acknowledgement or appreciation from her. You're just there to provide for her and for your family. That's it. Even though you're doing it from a distance, you're going to continue to operate in a way that makes you a mensch, that makes you a responsible gentleman, and you're going to do that for as long as it takes. He must be patient. When the time is right, the creator will arrange for his safe return home. The crucial point of this test is to avoid forcing the issue and to believe that the creator will decide. It's not up to you. Yes, you've done good things. Yes, you've been growing, and yes, you've been learning. But you aren't the arbiter. You're not the person to decide when the time is right for you to go home. Why? Because you're biased and you're lazy. We all are. That's how we're built. We're always going to give you the least amount of effort for whatever the situation is to gain whatever reward we're looking for. And that applies in the workforce and that applies at home. So now if you say to yourself, I need to go and learn and grow and do all these things to get home, who's going to decide when you've done enough? It's certainly not going to be you. It's going to be number one, your creator. And number two, it's going to be your wife. That come together and decide, okay, you've done enough, you've grown enough. It's time to start over again. And he says, even if things are getting worse, even if you're looking at the situation with your wife and she seems to be getting more and more distant, it doesn't matter. Switch off your brain. The damage has already been done. Now it's about repairing. You were the cause of that problem. So you're not going to be the one to determine how to fix it. You're going to follow the instructions, you're going to do your part, and you're going to let the rest play out as it should, letting him make the decisions. It says if you truly do all that you can, eventually your wife will ask you to come back home and your relationship won't be the same. When it's time and she invites you back, your marriage will be like a new marriage. If you've done all of the planning ahead of time, if you've done all of the prep work and the learning and the growth, and continue to support her and her children and being that responsible gentleman, when you come back, she will have acknowledged that and you will have the opportunity to start all over again, just like newlyweds. That ends this idea of the five steps to get back in. He's going to give us three points over here to ponder, some of the things that we've learned. And then we're going to get into this concept of divorce. It says, number one thing that we learned in the past few sections is that we need to deal with problems while they are small and relatively insignificant before they're blown out of proportion. That's a rule in life, my friends, not just in this relationship. In all relationships, in everything that you do, one of the worst things you can do is completely ignore a situation, continue to behave in the way that you are, hoping that the problem is going to disappear on its own. It doesn't. If you don't address it, if you don't nip it in the bud right away, it is going to compound and it's going to get worse. It'll get to the point where the where the repair is so much harder than it needed to be. It's like the analogy I gave you about being on the train going the wrong way. The longer you stay on that train hoping that this train is going to pull a U-turn, the longer it's going to take for you to get back to the original destination that you wanted to get to. You've been going east for a week. You should have been going west for two days. Now you have to go west for nine days. Do you understand? The longer you're on that train going the wrong way, the longer and harder the trek is to get back to where you want it to be. So stop it while it's early. Don't be scared. That's the time to address it because it can be handled nine times out of ten so much more efficiently with such less impact on everybody, your relationship with your spouse and your children. That's the first lesson. What's the second lesson? The only way to deal with problems is by applying the three levels of Amuna. We've talked about that. If you don't remember, go back last week, the week before, you'll find plenty. And the third one is to recognize, if you hadn't up until now, that amuna is clearly the greatest way for us to deal with any crisis in this world. I can attest to that firsthand. Amuna, the knowledge that everything is perfect, that there's no such thing as coincidence, that there's a creator, that he's intimately involved in our lives, that he loves us infinitely more than any human being that is limited by time and space can actually love. That's the reason he brought us into this world, because his entire existence is just to give, just to do for us. And our entire purpose, one of those purposes, is to receive. Can you imagine? That's your purpose, just to get, to receive the goodness that the creator has to give. And he's got plenty of it. So when you acknowledge that and when you operate in this world, it doesn't matter what the situation, doesn't matter what the relationship is, if you're entering it, constantly reminding yourself that whatever just happened to you happened for the ultimate best, then there is no bringing you down. I'll tell you what happened to me just yesterday. And part of the reason why this is being posted later today. Yesterday, unfortunately, I had a fall from a ladder. Never happened to me before. It's the first time I was on a ladder, not that high, probably about five or so feet high, which is high enough to cause damage. And I had a pretty violent fall off of the ladder and it threw out my back and I was in pain all night last night and even this morning. But thank God it's getting better. Now, I could easily, easily complain and be a victim and wonder even worse, why I'm so stupid. How did I allow that to happen? I've been on ladders a million times. How is it possible that all of a sudden I let down my guard or I did something so stupid? I wasn't thinking, the floor wasn't solid. There are a million different reasons that I can analyze and try and put blame on. And that's not a bad exercise if you're trying to better yourself. You have to acknowledge maybe I did make a bonehead move. Maybe I did put the ladder on the floor that was slippery and I shouldn't have. I should have thought better. The question is, why wasn't I able? I should have known that. I've been in that situation many times before. I should have chosen better, but I didn't. So now am I going to wallow in the fact that I was a victim, that I did something that I shouldn't have done, that I ended up getting hurt? It doesn't help me. It's already happened. I'm not going to turn back the hands of time. But now I can do two things. Number one, I can learn from that mistake, and I can do my best to make sure it never happens again, thank God, because he gave me another opportunity to walk and to function. And more importantly, I can now go back and say, wait a second, there's no way that I would have ever fallen off of a ladder ever if he didn't sign off on it. It's very simple. He has to allow that to happen. If he allows a leaf to fall off a tree and determine where it lands, then you better believe that he's going to determine whether or not I fall off of a ladder and when that happens. So now I have to do some introspection. And that's what I've been doing. What happened? What did I do wrong? What recently took place that maybe I need to reevaluate? Now, I may not have the answer, and even if I think I have the answer, it may not be the right one. Because at the end of the day, he knows exactly why I fell off that ladder. But the fact that I'm now going back and asking the question, what did I do wrong? Do you know what's happening? I'm nipping it in the bud. If I do that every day in every situation and I come back and say, What did I do wrong? Because this didn't work out for me, the only thing that will come out of that is my own personal growth. I will be a better person because I am constantly doing that thing called introspection, trying to understand what did I do wrong and what can I do better? If everybody walked around like that, could you imagine what a world we would be living in? If everybody constantly evaluated their actions and the choices that they make and used the Torah, God's Word, as a measuring stick? Can you imagine? We'd be living in a perfect world. There wouldn't be such a thing as war. There wouldn't be such a thing as hatred and racism and anti-Semitism. All these things that we see, all the corruption that you see around you would not exist because everybody goes home multiple times a day and asks themselves, what did I do good? What did I do wrong? What can I fix? What can I do better? That's what I try to do, and that's what we should all try to do. So for the last, I don't know, few hours, last night and this morning, the question in my head was, what did I do wrong? What do I need to fix? And again, I may not find the answer, but I'm going through the motion, which means I'm going to benefit from that activity. Just by virtue of doing that review in my mind, that analysis of my life. How many people do that once in a lifetime? I do that every day, multiple times a day, as should you. That's what prayer is, that's what repentance is, that's what penitence is. Three times a day. Figure out your life, assess what did I do today, and what can I do better. Now we're going to get into this concept of divorce. We're just going to introduce it a little bit and then we'll get into it later on. But he says over here, he opens it up with what I talked about in the beginning that he says this is for everybody. It doesn't matter if you're married, if you're divorced, if you've never been married, it doesn't matter. This section is going to apply to everybody because you have relationships. And sometimes those relationships will share some of the elements of a marriage. Whether it's your best friend, whether it's a business partnership, there are going to be shared common elements. So there is a lot to learn. And if you're not married, you may get married. And if you're divorced, you may get remarried. And if you're married, you may be on the verge of divorce. So listen carefully. Let's see what the book has to say. One of this generation's eldest and wisest spiritual leader said that the alarmingly high rate of contemporary divorce is the result of what? A pampered generation that doesn't realize that marital success requires hard work and effort. And therefore, following every little spat, they run to divorce court. That word divorce shouldn't be on your lips ever. If you're married, it shouldn't be in your mind, it shouldn't be in your mouth, it should be nowhere in your being. You got married to an individual. That marriage is supposed to last your lifetime and their lifetime. You were supposed to be with that person for the rest of your life. This concept of divorce should not be in your lexicon. Today people use it as a threat, as a weapon, constantly reminding their spouse that they're about to divorce them. Oh my God, could you imagine? What an existence, day to day, having to hear it from the person who's supposed to be closest to you, the person you're supposed to rely on, and that's supposed to rely on you. Your teammate, your partner in life is constantly threatening you that we're done. That's it. We're over. Divorce. If you keep saying what you're saying, if you keep behaving the way you're behaving, it's over. I'm going to my lawyer every other month. They're serving them with papers, then they throw them in the garbage. They've got the lawyer on speed dial. It's a toxic relationship, it's a terrible way to live. But that's the reality. Why? Because we're living in a generation where people are simply not willing to do the heavy lifting. We're living in a spoiled generation. There are so many creature comforts available to us, more so than any other previous generation. And look at the result. We have people who are simply not just physically, but emotionally and intellectually lazy, which means they're not willing to do the hard work. And marriage is not a walk in the park. It requires heavy lifting, it requires sacrifice, it requires commitment. And if you're not willing to put up any of those things on a level you've never done while you were single, then you're going to have a really hard time. And that's why I say if you've never been married, listen, pay attention, because these are the tools that are going to allow you to create an amazing marriage, one that is lasting, one that is impenetrable. If you take the advice that's been given by this book and ultimately by the Torah, then you are setting yourself up for a very long and prosperous relationship with your spouse. We're going to get back into discussing divorce tomorrow. Interestingly enough, he doesn't talk a lot about it. And I imagine that the reason is because he's not focusing on the negative part of our relationship with our spouse. He wants to spend more of that energy talking about the potential and the positivity and the growth and the good things that can come from it. But at the end of the day, we have to discuss it, albeit in a very short and concise manner. We'll pick up with it again tomorrow. Have an amazing day. Thank you for spending time with us on the Trust Factor Podcast. If you've heard something today that moved you, save this episode and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss upcoming conversations that challenge, empower, and uplift. And if you're on social media, connect with us. Leave your thoughts. Drop a quote that resonated with you. Hashtag the TrustFactor Podcast. Until next time, keep growing in your trust and keep living with purpose. I'm Jesse Revivo, and this has been the Trust Factor Podcast. Thanks for listening.